LOL, this is a fun little piece. Rats with fear in their eyes, yuck! Girls with wet eyes. There are all kind of eyes in this little short. I have never heard lust referred to as 'wet eyes', but I got the message and apparently so did the main character.
One of the things he asked was(,) can you really see fear in the beady black eyes of a rat?
Nice job,
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This is a great story, filled with action and suspense. Toward the end, you had me hanging on every word. I also enjoyed the way you brought it back to present day.
There is no better feeling then working the wind right (than working)
Before I even thought about what I saw earlier that day the line of my fishing pole I always have out off my stern snapped tight. (I would enclose this with commas; I always have out off my stern )
It swallowed my fish that was as big as my arm. (instead of using 'my' twice, I would suggest; It swallowed the fish, that was as big as my arm.)
I turned back to the wheel, turned on the engine (I would suggest finding an alternate for one of these 'turning's)
I had a strong on shore wind (should this be on-shore?)
Right before I was about to be eaten alive(,) the wake from the monster rocked the boat(,) snatching me from its jaws and throwing me back onto the deck.
I heard a snap(,) a thud and all went black.
Nice job,
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This is a wonderful little story. I love the character of Kreylure. How sad to be left all alone. I hope she will eventually find her way back to the sea. We tallwalkers really are a trial, aren't we?
Below are some technical suggestions;
By the time she was hatched,(I think a pause here would be good) her family had been in the Loch for thousands of years.
Ancient dragons, traveling as a group deep into the Loch chased a large school of fast, tasty fish. (I think the punctuation should be like this; Ancient dragons traveling as a group, deep into the Loch, chased a large school of fast, tasty fish. At least that is the way my brain is telling me to read it )
As they napped the earth began to shake; in just a few moments the Loch was closed off from the sea (I think you should break this into two sentences at the semicolon)
eventually they moved to far away (too)
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Another great sentiment. I really enjoyed these lines;
Show those pearlies to him that passes,
Always remember the Golden Rule,
As you are to yourself, treat the masses,
I think if most people consciously paid attention to how much they were smiling during the day, they would find it is not much
How much better we feel when we look at a smiling face.
This line did not seem to fit as well as the others that worked very well together. I know it rhymes, but I don't consider smiling or the Golden Rule to be fuel.
Good job,
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The beauty of the written word is in the emotions they evoke. Hate my characters or love them; as long as your feelings are genuine and run deep. If I have succeeded in making you feel something, I have succeeded as an author. My blog http://www.itsasadworld.blogspot.com/
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(I thought it got a little choppy here)
Inherent facts, which fail them God's test,
Acting sans insight, compassion, only malice,
(this is a great sentiment)
They preach love and kindness, everything tribal,
Then conquer and kill in God's name."
Well said. This poem makes it clear that 'we have a long way to go, baby'. Our evolution is certainly not complete. Great poem
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The beauty of the written word is in the emotions they evoke. Hate my characters or love them; as long as your feelings are genuine and run deep. If I have succeeded in making you feel something, I have succeeded as an author. My blog http://www.itsasadworld.blogspot.com/
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A family of werewolves, not something you see every day. I don't usually care for stories that are all in the first person, but this was pretty effective. It took me a little while to get a feel for the setting. The whole, standing on the table, thing was a little confusing until you revealed that he was in the basement. Then I thought he was a dog, not a boy.
The story does leave me with a couple of questions; are both parents werewolves or just the father? Why are they tying and beating their son if they are also werewolves? If they think the son is bad, why are they not all locking themselves in the basement? Other than that, I enjoyed the story and although I am an animal lover, I liked the little revelation at the end. Well, maybe liked is not the right word. I thought it was effective, lol.
When you stand like that, you can peek out of the basement window and see our backyard. (I would keep this is first person, like the rest of the monologue)
Great job,
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The beauty of the written word is in the emotions they evoke. Hate my characters or love them; as long as your feelings are genuine and run deep. If I have succeeded in making you feel something, I have succeeded as an author.
My blog http://www.itsasadworld.blogspot.com/ My website http://furrytails.mysite.com./
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This is a great poem. Writing to prompts, with a time limit can be very cathartic. It is nice when you can silence your interior editor and get in touch with your muse. Poor Ebenezer. Death by piano is not a good way to go.
Great job,
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The beauty of the written word is in the emotions they evoke. Hate my characters or love them; as long as your feelings are genuine and run deep. If I have succeeded in making you feel something, I have succeeded as an author.
My blog http://www.itsasadworld.blogspot.com/ My website http://furrytails.mysite.com./
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These are only my opinions. These are only the comments of one reader. They are not meant as criticisms but rather as suggestions that I think will help to improve the story
This is a wonderfully vivid rememberance. I love that you were able to add so much color and energy to what some would consider a mundance walk through the woods. I think that is what it means to see things through an author's eyes. I particularly enjoyed your description of the sunlight sparkling on the lake and the changing leaves.
From a technical aspect, I think that you could edit some of your punctuation. I am far from an expert, but it seemed to me that in some areas you overused commas ie, anxious to take our morning walk as our dog, Maggie, is but after it is over, I am usually grateful she is so insistent.
And in others, you underutilized them ie. Most of the summer residents have left for their heated homes leaving the few of us that have built year round homes to a very quiet community.
Again, I could be off base on this, it just seems that way to me.
Keep writing,
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The beauty of the written word is in the emotions they evoke. Hate my characters or love them; as long as your feelings are genuine and run deep. If I have succeeded in making you feel something, I have succeeded as an author.
My blog http://www.itsasadworld.blogspot.com/ My website http://furrytails.mysite.com./
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These are only my opinions. These are only the comments of one reader. They are not meant as criticisms but rather as suggestions that I think will help to improve the story
This was a sad piece about a dilemma that many women, including myself, have struggled with. This was an accurate portrayal of what is possibly the most difficult decision a person can make. In my case, nature took the decision out of my hands. I was grateful but nontheless wounded by the experience.
I like the way you broke the stereotype with Cynthia here. High level executive women are rarely portrayed as supporting motherhood.
This line threw me though; And your health is important to people like me here at work (is it realistic? after all, if Sharon has the baby it would certainly affect her position in the firm for months, if not years. Also, what employer would expect that they would be a major consideration in a decision like this. I realize that how a pregnancy will effect their employment is a big consideration for many women. I just don't think that employers would expect that consideration)
Why hadn’t either of them thought it out and keeping their futures together in a good way? (I think this sentence could use some restructuring)
can’t I come up to night (tonight)
Great job,
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The beauty of the written word is in the emotions they evoke. Hate my characters or love them; as long as your feelings are genuine and run deep. If I have succeeded in making you feel something, I have succeeded as an author.
My blog http://www.itsasadworld.blogspot.com/ My website http://furrytails.mysite.com./
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These are only my opinions. These are only the comments of one reader. They are not meant as criticisms but rather as suggestions that I think will help to improve the story
This is a great verse, albeit tinged with sadness. How often does our pursuit of perfection paralyze us from moving forward? I only dabble in poetry. It is with prose that the words really flow for me. I'm grateful for that. But I think, if I agonized over every word in my story, as I do with my poems, my pen would also be paralyzed.
I'll tell you my secret. I don't struggle over the words, because they are the words of my characters. Whether it is a college girl walking through the woods or a Southern white supremacist raising a family in Georgia or even a thirteen-year-old bully who is his step-father's punching bag, I don't censure their words or their thoughts. These are their stories, after all.
I hope you can overcome this obstacle, if not, just keep writing what you love.
Great job,
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The beauty of the written word is in the emotions they evoke. Hate my characters or love them; as long as your feelings are genuine and run deep. If I have succeeded in making you feel something, I have succeeded as an author.
My blog http://www.itsasadworld.blogspot.com/ My website http://furrytails.mysite.com./
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These are only my opinions. These are only the comments of one reader. They are not meant as criticisms but rather as suggestions that I think will help to improve the story
This is a wonderful exposition on the reviewing process. As I navigate this wonderful site, I have seen how so many people struggle with the concept of reviewing. It is something that is approached in various ways and is received in just a many different ways. I enjoy the reviewing process and I have realized what a valuable tool it is for my own writing.
I am considerably more ambivalent about the rating process. We are all writers after all. Why then would we rely on five little numbers to sum up what we should be saying in words? It is like trying to fit an elephant in a shoe box. One person may rate based on the writing, another the emotion of the piece, yet another the subject matter or execution. How can you possibly sum that up in 5 numbers? Likewise, people's reactions to ratings are unpredictable. I have had people berate me for only giving them a 4.5 and others who are delighted with a 3. I just think (my opinion) that the rating system fosters a spirit of competition which should not exist in a community such as this.
For myself, I barely give the rating a glance. What I look for is the nut of the review; words like - I would definitely read more, I was on the edge of my seat, or, conversely, what the heck were you thinking when you wrote this? It is a daunting task, to be brutally honest in a review of someone else's writing, even if it might hurt that person's feelings. After all, each of us are deeply vested in our 'babies' and it is not easy to accept criticism, not matter how well-meaning or gently delivered. But, we have to remember - that is exactly what we signed on for when we posted the first item in our port.
Good writing and a great expression of a difficult concept,
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The beauty of the written word is in the emotions they evoke. Hate my characters or love them; as long as your feelings are genuine and run deep. If I have succeeded in making you feel something, I have succeeded as an author.
My blog http://www.itsasadworld.blogspot.com/ My website http://furrytails.mysite.com./
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These are only my opinions. These are only the comments of one reader. They are not meant as criticisms but rather as suggestions that I think will help to improve the story
First, let me say that I loved the way you have your portfolio organized. I found it very intriguing.
This is a sad and beautiful piece about the loss of a precious family member. This was succinct and very nicely written. It was also very polished. I found no grammatical or typographical issues. The story fit the prompt like a glove and was a testament to the fact that the best gifts do not come with a fancy bow on them.
Great job,
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The beauty of the written word is in the emotions they evoke. Hate my characters or love them; as long as your feelings are genuine and run deep. If I have succeeded in making you feel something, I have succeeded as an author.
My blog http://www.itsasadworld.blogspot.com/ My website http://furrytails.mysite.com./
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This is very sad. Abuse is always terrible, no matter what form it takes. This piece is definitely a testament to that fact that love is not a rational thing. If that were the case, this mother would have given her husband his walking papers and never looked back when he died. It is hard to imagine someone loving a person that abuses them so badly.
The sentiment of this piece is very strong, technically however, it could use some editing. I noted a couple of problem areas below. I hope this helps.
Keep writing,
Here I sit in a dark room of a hollow home thinking about the warm walls that once stood here that radiated with love and happiness. (sentences such as these could use some punctuation)
I cannot bare to stay (bear)
My car rumbles to life in the harsh winter air that burns my lungs with its frigid taste (this is a nice line - very poetic)
Despite all the times my eyes looked a her helplessly. (this is a fragment)
My heart sung (sang)
HE was not stabbed or shoot (shot)
becuase it made it easier for my mother to bare his death, (because and bear)
I wondered waht man they spok eof for surely it coul dno t be the man in the casket. (needs editing)
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The beauty of the written word is in the emotions they evoke. Hate my characters or love them; as long as your feelings are genuine and run deep. If I have succeeded in making you feel something, I have succeeded as an author. My blog http://www.itsasadworld.blogspot.com/ My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
This is an interesting little Flash. You pack quite a bit into a small package. I love your description of family night. My parents did the beer and wine thing as well. Who knew that Pepsi would rot our teeth and our insides?
I thought it was really effective the way you went from the joy of Saturday night to the drama that seemingly followed the show's cancellation. The only thing that did not fit, for me, was this line; I skipped Mrs. Krunkamp’s sixth grade class at Horace Mann Elementary School for two solid months in April and May. I think you should retool this so that it has more impact and does not detract from the downward turn of events. I found myself being distracted by this line - who the heck was Mrs. Krunkamp and how does to months of hookey compare to assassination, divorce and unwanted pregnancy? I think it could be reworded so that it fits better with the overall tone of the paragraph.
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The beauty of the written word is in the emotions they evoke. Hate my characters or love them; as long as your feelings are genuine and run deep. If I have succeeded in making you feel something, I have succeeded as an author. My blog http://www.itsasadworld.blogspot.com/
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These are only my opinions. These are only the comments of one reader. They are not meant as criticisms but rather as suggestions that I think will help to improve the story
This is a nice reminiscence. You created a lot of nice visuals about the bonfire scene and the oceanside scene. I think this might benefit from a little bit of editing though.
It's running itself alongside the glow of the bonfire (what is running along the glow - the coffee shop?)
she knows that Wednesday nights is when we start the bonfire at sundown.(Wednesday night is or Wednesday nights are)
Great job,
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The beauty of the written word is in the emotions they evoke. Hate my characters or love them; as long as your feelings are genuine and run deep. If I have succeeded in making you feel something, I have succeeded as an author.
My blog http://www.itsasadworld.blogspot.com/ My website http://furrytails.mysite.com./
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These are only my opinions. These are only the comments of one reader. They are not meant as criticisms but rather as suggestions that I think will help to improve the story
What a beautiful story. I love the way you succinctly went from the tragic events of this family to the husband's realization of the gift that his wife had given him on her deathbed. It is reminiscent of 'The Gift of the Magi'. Although I guess not, because there is really no reciprocity.
Regardless, it is a lovely story.
Great job,
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The beauty of the written word is in the emotions they evoke. Hate my characters or love them; as long as your feelings are genuine and run deep. If I have succeeded in making you feel something, I have succeeded as an author.
My blog http://www.itsasadworld.blogspot.com/ My website http://furrytails.mysite.com./
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I think this would be a terrific story. I have to say, you have some remakeably vivid dreams. You managed to bring this one to life for me. I am such a sucker for stories with horses in them.
I had never ridden bareback in my life but I but I grasped (typo)
I went back into the house wondering if I would ever see the red horse again and who had really tricked me, the horse, the queen, or both. (I would break this into two sentences)
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The beauty of the written word is in the emotions they evoke. Hate my characters or love them; as long as your feelings are genuine and run deep.
If I have succeeded in making you feel something, I have succeeded as an author.
My blog http://www.itsasadworld.blogspot.com/
These are only my opinions. These are only the comments of one reader. They are not meant as criticisms but rather, as suggestions that I think will improve the story
This is a wonderful poem. It is very evocative. I have never experienced fear of the dark, but this poem gives a window onto people with that fear. I enjoyed the pace and rhyme of this piece. It flowed nicely, from beginning to end. I wouldn't change anything.
Terrific job,
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The beauty of the written word is in the emotions they evoke. Hate my characters or love them; as long as your feelings are genuine and run deep.
If I have succeeded in making you feel something, I have succeeded as an author.
My blog http://www.itsasadworld.blogspot.com/
These are only my opinions. These are only the comments of one reader. They are not meant as criticisms but rather, as suggestions that I think will improve the story
This is an enjoyable ghost story, if there is such a thing, lol. It is lighthearted, with a touch of humor. I can envision Millie, flattened on the floor, dodging imaginary bullets.
The conversation between the store owner and his grandfather was funny and natural, despite the fact that granddaddy is a ghost.
I did not find any grammatical or typographical issues.
Great job,
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The beauty of the written word is in the emotions they evoke. Hate my characters or love them; as long as your feelings are genuine and run deep.
If I have succeeded in making you feel something, I have succeeded as an author.
My blog http://www.itsasadworld.blogspot.com/
These are only my opinions. These are only the comments of one reader. They are not meant as criticisms but rather, as suggestions that I think will improve the story
LOL,
talk about an attention grabber. I don't know how someone could look at this little invitation and not go inside.
I can't wait to see what other little goodies you have in here.
Where's the junk, indeed - still laughing.
Great job,
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The beauty of the written word is in the emotions they evoke. Hate my characters or love them; as long as your feelings are genuine and run deep.
If I have succeeded in making you feel something, I have succeeded as an author.
My blog http://www.itsasadworld.blogspot.com/
These are only my opinions. These are only the comments of one reader. They are not meant as criticisms but rather, as suggestions that I think will improve the story
This is a wonderful essay. I can totally relate to this kind of epiphany. Mine hit me between the eyes on my last trip to an amusement park. At that time, I was beset with anxiety and queasiness, rather than excitement, at the thought of what used to be my favorite rides. I did tackle the occasional rollercoaster ride, but for the most part, I resigned myself to the slow gondola rides. I am envious that you were able to override your fear and recapture some of your childhood enthusiasm for this activity.
Great job,
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The beauty of the written word is in the emotions they evoke. Hate my characters or love them; as long as your feelings are genuine and run deep.
If I have succeeded in making you feel something, I have succeeded as an author.
My blog http://www.itsasadworld.blogspot.com/
These are only my opinions. These are only the comments of one reader. They are not meant as criticisms but rather, as suggestions that I think will improve the story
I was really enjoying this poem. The first six stanzas were clever and funny. I grew up on Dr. Seuss. I thought the beginning of this poem did that form justice, although I do think it could have benefited from some punctuation to guide the reader.
I did not care for the turn the last three stanzas took. I am not a prude. I just thought that the end of this poem was not in character with the rest of the piece. Of course, that is just my humble opinion. I would have been happier to see this poem end on the sixth stanza.
Good job,
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The beauty of the written word is in the emotions they evoke. Hate my characters or love them; as long as your feelings are genuine and run deep.
If I have succeeded in making you feel something, I have succeeded as an author.
My blog http://www.itsasadworld.blogspot.com/
These are only my opinions. These are only the comments of one reader. They are not meant as criticisms but rather, as suggestions that I think will improve the story
This is a cute little piece. I will say, as a woman who hates to shop for clothes, this sentiment is not exclusive to men.
This is my favorite line; In the past I’ve stood outside changing rooms and inside dress shop doors trying to look invisible and not get in the way of pushy women out for their weekly dose of retail therapy.
I wish I had the nerve to ask for a personal shopper.
Great job,
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The beauty of the written word is in the emotions they evoke. Hate my characters or love them; as long as your feelings are genuine and run deep.
If I have succeeded in making you feel something, I have succeeded as an author.
My blog http://www.itsasadworld.blogspot.com/
What I liked I liked the idea of this story - kind of like 'The Man in The Iron Mask'. An honorable man finds himself unjustly imprisoned.
What I did not care for I think this story could use some editing and character development. Marlin could be a very interesting character, but we don't get might insight into his persona. The only thing that comes through is his sense of duty, as evidenced by the song he continues to sing. You should give us more information on what makes him tick. How did he become a knight? You mention that he is young but do not tell us how he happened to become the king's servant. Does he have family, someone he loves?
What confused me only three hundred and seventy two more to go (is it 24 days or 372 or is he talking about hours. If it is hours, how does he, as a knight in medieval time know such a precise time - this should be clarified)
Marlin stifled a tear.(this seems out of character for a knight - 'a true hero')
he sniffed through watery eyes (I don't want to sound flip, but how do you snif through your eyes?)
by my name as the Prime Minister (would this be plausible - for a Prime Minister to go down into the dungeons to retrieve a prisoner himself?)
He continued to beat the man like berries, (I am unfamiliar with this expression)
before turning away and padding quickly (padding would to me connote stockinged feet and stealth rather than brisk anger)
to suffer in the hands of his own kingdom (isn't the expression 'suffer at the hands of...')
If this is a monarchy, where are the soldiers, the guards, the other knights. Why is the Prime Minister doing all of the heavy labor; fetching Marlin, beating him, dragging him across the floor? I don't not have the ring of realism to me.
“Then it is to your word we part (what does this mean?)
I killed your son, but saved yours!” (verb confusion - do you mean I took your son's life, but saved yours?)
Suggestions - keep in mind, these are only suggestions, based on my opinion
I would develop Marlin's character more. I would also make the Prime Minister's presence more plausible by including some kind of entourage. I would let the reader know early on that Marlin is just a boy or young man so that when he starts to cry it does not seem out of character. I would also give the reader more insight into how Marlin feels about the fact that he killed the Prince, possibly even adding a flashback.
Things to check strangely hair hung loosely (do you mean strangley hair?)
strangely hair hung loosely on his body,(this reads as though his hair is hanging loosely on his body)
had no shoes, nor socks. He was bare footed,(this is redundant - I would use one or the other. If he has no shoes or socks, we know he is barefooted and visa versa)
almost not even recognizable (this sounds like a double negative to me. Why not just say 'almost unrecognizable')
it’s bottom scratching aguishly against the stone floor (I believe aguishly is a typo but I would suggest you delete it as unnecessary)
I will be forced to give you farther punishment (further)
he could hardly even lift even his head above the ground (both of these uses of even are unnecessary. The sentence is more concise without them.)
Marlin looked strait (straight)
Conclusion With some polish, I think this could be a very good short story.
The beauty of the written word is in the emotions they evoke. Hate my characters or love them; as long as your feelings are genuine and run deep.
If I have succeeded in making you feel something, I have succeeded as an author.
My blog http://www.itsasadworld.blogspot.com/ My website http://furrytails.mysite.com./
These are only my opinions. These are only the comments of one reader. They are not meant as criticisms but rather, as suggestions that I think will improve the story
P.J.,
This title intrigued me. This argument seemed similar to the age old debate - If a tree falls in the woods and no one is there to hear, does it make a sound? I never fail to be amazed at man's egocentricity. We are the only species that feels compelled to explain nature in our own terms.
I am not saying that your logic is faulty. It just seems to me that this is more a question of semantics than an actual question of existence. I think it is safe to say that the key exists, as we hold it in our hand. The only thing that seems to be open to interpretation is whether it is a key or something else. But, at the end of the day, this thing is what it is. We, as human beings, with our need to define everything, have given this thing a name - a key. We define this item by it's use and its appearance. That only serves us however. It does not change the essence of the thing in question.
Below are some editing issues,
When I ask myself, how can I define myself without acknowledgment of everything else within our universe, or at least anything else within our universe, I truly it difficult to completely separate myself from it. (I would rework this sentence with particular attention to the end. You are missing something after truly)
As such clearly, is is quite impossible to truly yourself, or anything else without defining or comparing yourself or anything else to the universe and everything that is within it....(this sentence needs editing - is is and again, something is missing after truly)
I can only truly be define as an aspect of everything (defined)
In essence, everything seems to require other things and as simple as something as the definition of everything appears to require everything else. (I find this sentence a bit convoluted. I think it could use some clarification)
In final conclusion,(this is redundant. we know that a conclusion is final)
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The beauty of the written word is in the emotions they evoke. Hate my characters or love them; as long as your feelings are genuine and run deep.
If I have succeeded in making you feel something, I have succeeded as an author.
My blog http://www.itsasadworld.blogspot.com/
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What I liked I liked the idea of this story - kind of like 'The Man in The Iron Mask'. An honorable man finds himself unjustly imprisoned.
What I did not care for I think this story could use some editing and character development. Marlin could be a very interesting character, but we don't get might insight into his persona. The only thing that comes through is his sense of duty, as evidenced by the song he continues to sing. You should give us more information on what makes him tick. How did he become a knight? You mention that he is young but do not tell us how he happened to become the king's servant. Does he have family, someone he loves?
What confused me only three hundred and seventy two more to go (is it 24 days or 372 or is he talking about hours. If it is hours, how does he, as a knight in medieval time know such a precise time - this should be clarified)
Suggestions - keep in mind, these are only suggestions, based on my opinion 
Things to check
Conclusion