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This poem is very nice. I felt like it moved smoothly, all the way to the last line, when it kind of went - ka thunk.
I don't know why. The last line is not problematic, in and of itself, it just seemed to be in discord with the rest of the poem - for me at least. I guess that is not really what I mean either. The sentiment of the last line is understood and fits well with the rest of the poem. The line itself seems klunky to me.
Of course, this is just my opinion, more so of course with poetry, because it is so subjective.
This is a nice poem. Like most complex poetry, it took me several readings to really gain some understanding of it.
This is, by far, my favorite line (Touches missed, misses touched only by regrets not known.)
I have read some of the Lansing diaries, but I am still trying to figure out how they fit together. Maybe I have not read enough, but I cannot relate this poem to what I have already read
I also read part one from 'Time of the Dragon' by Jerry Powell and am confused by yet another reference to Lisa Lansing that did not seem in line with the story behind the diaries.
lizzie
What a great forum for writers. There are many times that I am just stump as to proper dialect, the date of a historic event or just whether a particular phrase sounds hokey or not.
I don't know what people did before the internet, but this is a lot more personal.
lizzie march
. It is really a mind-expanding contest. Everybody's a winner because, at the end of the day, you have fifteen items you didn't have before. I decided to try to connect mine, which was a bit of a challenge. Let me know what you think.
"15 for 15"
This has been great fun. I'll be disappointed when its over.
lizzie
As with the previous section, this is a sad recounting of what it is like to watch a loved one deal with Alzheimer's. I watched it with my own grandmother. It is a sad and tragic event. Thank you for sharing this personal experience.
Below, I have pasted some technical glitches. As always, these are just my opinion. Take them for what they are worth.
paid for the grocery, (groceries)
Aunt Sarah was still incensed with anger (I think this is redundant, you should use incensed or angry)
she no longer cared which network to (I would suggest 'which network she')
I wondered if she her medical (remove she)
“It’s mom (Mom)
enough for mom (again)
had grown to envy till (envy, until)
She was a curiosity to some people who had never known of anybody with Alzheimer’s, and utterly surprised that someone so young could be diagnosed with it.(make this two sentences. They were utterly surprised )
what marvelous feast she prepared (what a)
and don’t love you the way I do.” (doesn't)
She straightened, squared her shoulders that caused (She straightened, squaring her shoulders and causing)
This is a very evocative poem. It is nicely visual, bringing you all the sights and sounds of the mermaid way of life. It is a very enjoyable piece and the pictures are lovely. I particularly like the first and the third.
Just one suggestion. "My View on Reviews"
They can't believe that she is for real! (maybe removing 'for' here would make this line read even more smoothly)
lizzie
Blake,
This is very interesting. How much of this is fact and how much is fiction? Inquiring minds want to know. I don't think that there is an author out there, aspiring to publication or already published, who is not intrigued and envious at J.K. Rowling's rise to fame. Personally, I would love to crawl around in her brain for a bit and see if I could pick up any pointers.
Great essay,
lizzie
This is the only piece I have read, since I have been at WDC, that has brought me to tears. I am a sucker for animal stories anyways, but this one hit too close to home. I have made that last visit to the vet too many times. I have seen the life leave my beloved friend's body too often. It is a terrible thing, but it is the price one has to pay for pet ownership. I have had many animals and will have many more. That last trip breaks my heart every time, but I cannot imagine my life without them.
Thanks for a great piece.
I just found one technical glitch
Why don't you do lie down in the garage? (go not do?)
they hovered like tiny vultures. (what a great line)
Write On!
lizzie
I love this page. I am an absolute sucker for unicorns. I particularly like the top two.
I also love the castle scene. This is the definition of magical. It makes you want to step right in. I am looking forward to entering the ballroom and meeting all kinds of new people.
thank you,
lizzie
Megan,
This is a beautiful, heartfelt poem.
I can relate to it very easily.
I spent over ten years, working in human services - with people who suffer from mental retardation. Although I worked many hours to make ends meet, the job did not pay well. In the group home setting where I worked, you were everything to everybody. I was cook, accountant, personal shopper, valet, maid... I could go on and on. The reason why I kept doing it was because, as with your job, you eventually realize that it is not about the money. No matter how horrible my day was, I always slept well with the knowledge that I had helped someone that day. It's a great feeling. Kudos to you, and thanks for a great verse,
lizzie
This is a sad story that hits close to home for me. Someone dear to me was stricken with and ultimately died with Alzheimer's. It is a heartless disease.
I did encounter some issues, which I noted below.
Of course, these are only my opinion. Take them for what they are worth.
must have absorbed all colors in the spectrum the colors
Her life was as colorful as the rainbows she was always searching in pursuit of her dreams--dreams that often came true. Her life was as colorful as the rainbows she was always searching for, as she pursued her dreams--dreams that often came true. I would go through and break up some of your longer sentences, like this one Aunt Sarah's memory was so sharp, never forgetting any name or face, and always beating the contestants on Wheel of Fortune--my Mom's favorite game show. Aunt Sarah's memory was so sharp. She never forgot a name or face, and she was always beating the contestants on Wheel of Fortune--my Mom's favorite game show.
of weight, and uncharacteristically devoid of any make-up. was uncharacteristically
I figured they were on the flight she missed. if you are referring to luggage, it would be 'it' not 'they'
"Her job was so demanding that I found all kinds of excuses to the changes in her behavior I am not sure what you are trying to say here
It was too difficult for me to imagine that the woman's most powerful brain is dying. as opposed to her other brain?
We hang on to every word the cop said. hung or were hanging
as if it pained her from trying to remember me. as if it pained her to try to remember me.
thanks for sharing this,
lizzie
This is great; an interesting prologue to a longer story. I used to have a passion for Greek mythology. This is reminiscent of that.
Only a couple of technical things below;
part of each of them that was sentient was aware of the others masses I think this should be others'
The advantage of the Orbs had over the Masses remove of
My only other suggestion would be to tighten your sentences a little bit. I think that some could be given more impact by breaking them up. Not changing the content, mind you. Just making them more succinct.
Of course, this is just my opinion.
Very well done. This is a nicely polished piece. I did not find any grammatical or typographical errors. Although this is a short snippet, it moves along well and does not drag. I feel this character's anger with every step she takes.
You give me good insight into her emotions as well as her surroundings.
Well done,
lizzie
This was good. I usually tire of a first person retelling, but you did this quite well. I think, if it were me, I might forgo some of the detail in the beginning and get to the nut a little more quickly. I enjoyed the twist at the end, where your main character learns the truth of her heritage and sees the truth of the tragedy that was the family she grew up with.
There were some editing issues which I have included below.
I was only three when my brother failing sandbox I think you mean failed here.
That was when and when I learned to read and write you have an extra when here
Justin was our mother's favorite. favorites
We continued my studies in private as the first mention of them to my mother met with less than approval. this sentence sounds awkward to me
Justin, my brother, would find any excuse not to ride, his fear of equines clearly visible on his face and from his body language whenever the animals were in the proximity.. I would break this sentence up
I continued taking lessons until in my mid to late teens. I would suggest until I was 13 or 14
she didn't have the opportunity to threaten the paramedics with their jobs in her uncoils state. unconscious
while my Cliff's parents picked up my expenses my?
before deciding to call to our father. you have and extra to
Father flew out west for a week to visit with me and my family, meeting his son-in-law, granddaughter and great-grandchildren for the first time. did I miss something? who is this son-in-law? I thought Cliff went to war and did not return
to buy a house that I defaulted on making him responsible for the it needs editing
child through couldn't remember why though
even hat me hate
She made me feel inferior all the time, so completely. I think you could do away with (so completely)
I found myself being chased. this creates an odd and unlikely image in my mind, given what you have told me about this family, ie. wealthy, sophisticated, refined
I hated to see him go almost as much as the thought of the two hour drive home knowing how distraught Mother would be without her 'little boy' and what that meant for me. again, I would break this up
lizzie
The beauty of the written word is in the emotions they evoke. Hate my characters or love them; as long as your feelings are genuine and run deep. If I have succeeded in making you feel something, I have succeeded as an author.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Vance,
This is a beautiful expression of love. It flows nicely. I love the way you progress from a life pre-love to post-amore.
Without a muse, my words languished mislaid
To a heart that now around you closes.
These lines, in particular, I really enjoyed.
keep writing,
lizzie
Vance,
this poem is very intriguing.
Ensuring my selfish pretensions
To knowledge remain unchallenged. I love these two lines.
There are certainly those of us who love our ignorance, but, from what I can see, you are not one of them.
keep writing,
lizzie
I enjoyed this. It is a well told story of an older gentleman, reminiscing of better times. The focus is on a picture taken at a vacation spot that was often visited, in his younger days.
The following are just some suggestions/comments. As always, these are just one woman's opinions.
I notice that you connect several sentences with 'and'. In a writing course I took once, it was advised to limit the use of 'and 'or 'but' whenever possible. Of course you cannot completely cut them out, however, in my writing, I have tried to employ this. I have been pleased with the results.
below are two examples;
It would be several hours before the sun burnt the vapors off and allowed the warming rays to engulf us. rather - It would be several hours before the sun burnt the vapors off, allowing the warming rays to engulf us. An easy change. In my opinion, it gives the sentence a little more impact. Of course, just my opinion.
I'm sure I told him at least a hundred times, but I didn't have the right words to express what a warm feeling came over me every time my eyes glanced upon it. rather - I'm sure I told him at least a hundred times. I just didn't have the right words to express what a warm feeling came over me every time my eyes glanced upon it. In this sentence, also, you might consider changing the phraseology, 'glanced upon it' to 'looked at that frame'. To me, glanced upon it seems a very poetic turn of phrase for an elderly woodworker. Could just be me though, lol.
My son (Spencer, Jr.) and Trey's (Little Spencer's) brothers, along with their boys again, maybe it's just me - I found this confusing. Maybe you can clarify the familial connection here.
Anyways, I enjoyed this, it was a pleasant read,
lizzie
wiggy,
This is a very good, emotional piece. Yes, kids can be very cruel. You definitely gave us the insight into your feelings at this injustice. No kid should have to feel like an outcast or outsider. Unfortunately, that is not the reality.
I wrote a YA novel that is about just this kind of childhood trauma. You might want to check it out
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I also appreciate the fact that you obviously made an effort to edit this carefully. I only noticed one thing. In the first line, you use the word deluded. From the tone of the sentence, it does not seem that delusion is the state of mind that applies here, maybe numb or broken or even shocked. Just a suggestion. I am only the reader, you are the author.
It was very generous of you to share such a personal and emotional experience.
thank you
lizzie
This is a nice little poem. It captures the mood of childhood, the freedom and liberation.
Just a technical question. If you are punctuating with commas, should you be starting each line with a capital? I don't know enough about the technical rules of poetry to be sure, but I believe you would choose one or the other, punctuation or all caps.
This was a wonderful, heartfelt piece. It was well written and the dialogue and description were smooth and evocative. Anyone who has had to deal, first hand, with this tragic disease will be moved by this, all too familiar, snippet of time.
Very well done.
lizzie
Madman,
This is a great piece. It is very clean and well written. You get right to the point and draw me right into the main character's world. I enjoyed the young boy's insights.
ie. Following direction to the letter was deemed the safest and therefore the best way through life, and a smile didn't have to be genuine as long as it looked the part.
Just a few technical things;
At the bottom of those stairs was something as alien to me as if I'd stepped into someone else's body. {color:green} You may want to rework this. In the first half of the sentence, you refer to an object (something as alien) and in the second part, to an action (stepping into someone else's body
shadows under his eyes a five day muzzle {color:green} I think you need punctuation here. By muzzle, do you mean unshaven? I am not familiar with the term, is it a regional thing?
keep writing
lizzie
I'm not versed enough in the different styles of poetry to venture a guess as to where this fits in. I enjoyed it though. It is like a very slow strip tease, but with a deeper, underlying meaning. I like the way you connect each item of clothing to a thought or emotion, until all the pretense drops away.
lizzie
Yeah, that's horrendous, horrendously funny.
It's ridiculously cliche and a lot of fun.
The main character is a hoot.
I love the refrains; As I said, dark, stormy, hail, dead pigeons, get the picture?
love this line; Now, wait a fucking minute. Mick and Sheila are... fuck! I gotta go.
This main character is a dim witted boob, but he's a lot of fun. I think, however, I would steer clear any birthday party he was at.
good job,
lizzie
Loved this. It is a real skill, to be able to tell a story in only 55 words. You did that sucessfully here. Well done. I particularly like the last line (The valley was left in darkness - the turtle was left shell shocked.) The turtle was left shell-shocked -- I almost laughed out loud.
Good job,
lizzie
This is a great image of domestic abuse. It is very graphic and gets to the heart of what this woman is going through and the helplessness the narrator is feeling at not being able to convince a friend to take another path. It is very moving and the pace and rythme of the poem work very well (in my opinion.)
I just saw a couple of things;
Three days has passed since then (I think this should be have not has)
Of the source that caused much fright, (adding - so - much fright, might make this line read more smoothly)
Nothing more then an ambulance, (then should be than)
When the time comes for me to be lain,
Down to lie in a dusty hole, (I don't think you need both lain and lie here)
again, just my opinion,
you might want to check out the intro to my novel
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It is a graphic portrayal of a family filled with hate and how that hate ultimately destroys them.
Keep writing,
lizzie
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