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This poem is good, but it seems incomplete to me. The second stanza raises a lot of questions that don't seem to be answered by the end of the poem. Was this a shipwreck, how did the nine of you come together, how were you saved, are you still together?
Again, I enjoyed it, but it could be longer
lizzie
As always, just my opinion
Max,
This is a great story. I can see why it won in the Insomniac's Short Story Playground. The story is concise and gripping as told by little Timmy. The ending is sharp and surprising. The imagery is wonderful.
I love this line; A golden echo of the sun shone through sparse strands of hair on his brow, hairs that strove to mask his baldness
Having said all that, I will add some observations, for what they are worth
The biggest concern I had with this is that I could not pinpoint it in place and time.
Let me qualify that. The settings themselves were good, whether it was the kitchen, the neighbor's yard or the Mayfair, sitting under the picnic table.
However, I kept trying to get a focal point in time, cues from their dress, speech or surroundings as to when this story was transpiring. This became all the more problematic for me with the surpise ending. This is a ritual that you would not be surprised to find in an animal skin wearing clan or even an age old cloistered religious sect. Yet this setting seems more contemporary and open to me. This caused a conflict in my head. The fact that Mitzi and her mother were both wearing dresses implies a time gone by, but still leaves me wondering when this could have conceivably happened and been so openly accepted.
The other thing that was missing, for me, was some clarification of Timmy's age. It seems that he is quite young, with Mitzi picking him up and ruffling his hair, and him hiding out under picnic tables. If that is the case, some of his comments seem out of character (Jeff was everything our Father wished him to be and everything I would never be.) This thought seems too mature for a little boy.
As always, these are just my opinions. The story was still an enjoyable read.
lizzie
This is an interesting and informative piece. WDC is such a broad site, with so many aspects,. It is good to have a reminder of some of the great features. One comment; I am fairly new, about 2 weeks, and am finding my way around nicely. I was just wondering why there was no Jump to link to the contests. I had been on the contests page at one time, but could not remembered how to get there until I read this article. It is the one area that I have found which is not easy to locate.
The emotion of this poem comes through loud and clear. It is very powerful and too recognizable, for some of us.
I think, however, when this is not so fresh a wound, you might want to clarify the source of the betrayal. There are all manner of lies, none of them are good, but some of them are infinitely worse. I believe that you are alluding to incest or child abuse here, but I am not sure. It is very powerful, regardless.
As always, these are just my opinions,
This was a fun read. Your writing is very smooth and easy. It flows nicely. The imagery captured the dream events as well as the tranquility of the farm. The story moved nicely and developed the main character well.
For me, the last paragraph could have been better. It seemed a little trite to me - a forced effort to wrap the story up.
On the whole, I really liked this.
lizzie
This is great. It is a wonderful expression of what an aspiring author has to go through; the rejection that has to be overcome and the learning curve.
The last line sums it up perfectly and is something that every writer needs to remember, every time they put pen to paper.
I also enjoyed the metaphor of the staircase.
Well done,
lizzie
Jaye,
This is well written, but the conclusion it draws to is odd. We all know that children put things in their mouths, even those of us who do not have children. These parents had the previous experience of raising a five-year-old. Who was watching her while she was ingesting all of this paper and leaves?
You did a good job of setting the scene, but I would have liked to see more character development.
Every story doesn't have to end tragically, but there is really no climax here.
below are just a couple of seeming inconsistencies
Jason unbuckled his seat belt, was out of the car and in the house before Linda could gather her purse (I don't have kids. Does a five-year-old have this kind of dexterity and don't they still have to be in a car seat?)
Babs scrambled up off the floor. (this seems to imply fear or flight)
This hits the issue right on the head. Many good points, but the ones which resonated with me most loudly are these; Telling someone that his/her item is perfect when it is not does nothing but give false hope to the author.
By rating an item honestly, you are helping that author with an item, not simply covering up the mistakes
this site is not only about encouragement, but more about honing your skills and perfecting your writing so that it can be the best it can be.
One quick aside about the rating system. The five star system is the same as used at another online writing site - I did not enjoy that experience AT ALL. Everyone, it seemed, expected a five and got belligerent when they did not get it. It was sad, especially considering the fact that many would submit their work without ANY attempt at editing. I mean it - it was often clear that the author did not even bother to run their spell-check program. That, to me, shows a lack of respect for your work. But I digress. The point I wanted to make is this; I feel that the five star rating system is alright, but for myself, I do not give the star rating nearly as much weight as the written commentary that accompanies it. For that reason, I am very frustrated when someone just leaves a rating with no commentary.
I think that it would be very useful to have another layer added to the rating system. What I mean is, to have one five star rating for the style, typos, grammar, etc.
and another rating that is exclusively based on the story content.
There is much that I read that is intriguing and really involves me, but the writing is unpolished and requires much revision. On the other hand, there are authors who have a very polished writing style but the story is weak.
Well, I guess that was not a quick aside at all. Thank you for reading to the end.
As always, just my opinion
Hmmm, I liked this, but it could definitely be longer. I think you could delve deeper into Jewel and Wes's personalities. The ending is shocking, for sure, but I think it would benefit from more build up. Your prose is very poetic and works well in this piece, but I think it could provide more meat - something the reader can sink their teeth into.
The remains of the balloon were a rainbow of flaming colors. I think this sentence could be reworked - something like 'the balloon rained down in a rainbow of flaming color.'
As always, just my opinion.
Kathie,
This is beautiful. It did not resonate with me, because I have never been fortunate enough to have a love like this, but I could feel the passion and energy on the page. I love the way you allude to the death and then bring things around to the present. This was a very enjoyable, albeit moving, read.
Keep on writing
I know what they say about exposition, but my personal preference is not to be thrown right into dialogue in a prologue. I don't know enough yet to follow along.
I would rather be eased into the story with some exposition, inner dialogue and some action. Again, just my personal preference. I thought the Prophecy verses worked well. I would rather see more imagery. What does Kizuato look like, what are his surroundings, why is he there, etc. I want to know why he is covered in blood and why his hands are trembling.
I am sure that this dialogue would be very enlightening, if I was already familiar with the characters, but without out that, it leaves me confused. I will read on however.
Keep writing.
lizzie march
Emanuelle,
This poem is very evocative. I can see the old woman and the young woman sitting at her feet. I love the twist at the end, where the focus moves from the old woman's reminiscing to the young woman's longing to experience similar feelings.
Only two issues. For a moment, I wondered if a woman of this generation would speak so of her lost husband. I think this could be resolved with my second suggestion. In my opinion, this poem is too short. I want to know more about both women.
Again, it is great as it is. Please take my review in the spirit it is offered.
Beautifully said. It is very easy for me to relate to this poem. I also have my house in the country, where I am content to sit outside and watch the deer and my horse grazing in the back yard.There truly is no place like home, whatever it might be for each person. Your poem evokes images of home for me.
Thank you Country Mom
This was nice, but I think it could use some work (just my opinion of course).
To me, it lacked a certain fluidity and seemed a little forced. These lines in particular did not sound good to my ear (or used as it's what one wants to hear & while not hurting the one who does bear.)
(While looking only in my loved one's eyes,
seeing if the words are reflected as the skies). I liked this stanza but felt that it might read bette if as was replaced with in.
Bearing in mind the personal nature of poetry, if you have a questions about my review style, see
This contest looks great. Right up my alley. Twighlight Zone, Outer Limits, Alfred Hitchcock, Poe, all tales that will shock and surprise you. I love that. I have a question though. I have an entry that I would love to submit and from what I can see, it fits all but one of the parameters. 'The Secret of Bigelow Hollow' is YA fantasy. The problem is this. It is currently a novel which I will be publishing - BUT - the first three chapters, which are the ones I would submit, were originally written and intended to be a stand alone short story. It was just so popular that I grew it into a novel. I don't want to break any rules. Can I submit this or not?
Thank you,
lizzie march
This piece broke my heart. I can think of few things that are sadder than leaving a beloved pet behind. I have had many dogs of varied breeds - usually whoever is in need of a home at the time. My first dog, Goldie, was a retired greyhound, off of the race track. She was an amazingly gentle and tolerante spirit. Several years later I found Spike (a well-groomed, copper colored, Pekinese). Pippin especially reminds me of him. Spike was making his way down the middle of a busy city street. I have no idea how he came to be there or who his original owners were, because no one ever came to claim him. He was however abused. Beautifully groomed on the outside, it was clear that someone had made a habit of raising their hands or feet to him. Then there was Chiclet - the most beautiful little fawn colored Chicuaqua. She was a pound puppy. I was told that she was brought in by a state trooper who found a group of boys trying to hang her. I could go on, but I won't. My animals are very important to me. It is wonderful to read a piece by someone who feels the same way. I would send you some pictures, but I have not figured out how to do that yet.
If you would like to read one of my childrens' stories, you might enjoy it.
Speedy & Molasses (E) Children's Story. An anthropomorphic retelling of 'Tortoise and the Hare' w/a canine cast #1421333 by 4theLoveofWriting
My animals served as the inspiration for the Furry Tails Series. I wanted to post the PDF version so that people could view the pictures, but that will have to wait until I can get the Premium membership.
Thanks again for a great read.
lizzie
Emanuelle,
This is wonderfully creative. I love the idea of making a frog a vegetarian. I think this is my favorite line (I have tried everything, baked flies, fried flies, I even did up a nice fly stir fry) I laughed out loud.
Two comments - please take them in the spirit they are given
I think that this story could be improved by doing two things. First, I think it would help if you broke up some of the sentences ie(Roger was an inventor, and was known for his famous frog submarine that was used by handicapped frogs that could not swim, his fly flavored bubble gum, and best of all, the XP300 flycatcher, which could catch ten flies in one go.) Kids, yes and adults too, have short attention spans. I have found that shorter sentences have more impact and keep the reader more involved in the story.
Second, (I heard this often when I started my Furry Tails series). You need more froggy references. For me it was doggy references. You want the reader to be clear about the fact that your characters are frogs, not people. So, wherever possible you want to add those references. ie. "But Mom" whined Rupert - do frogs whine? You might want to make him croak . or said Lucinda, stamping one foot - is there another word for a frog's foot that might work better here. I'm not sure, I don't know that much about frog anatomy. These kinds of details can really add a lot to a story.
Just a couple of typographical things I noticed.
Rupert wont behave like a normal fog
Rupert jumped unto shore
Good luck, I will be watching for more
Lizzie
Wonderful. The detail was frightening, especially as Falco is preparing the tools of his trade. (I am afraid of you, lol)
The story moved along smoothly, transitioning well and it took me along with it. I was interested in your character and what will happen to him. The dialogue with the Arch Bishop might be livened up a little but you did not lose me. I just thought it slowed the story a bit. Unless I missed something, it did not offer any revelations or add much to the story. I did find some small typographical issues which I pasted below.
On the whole, it was a good read and I look forward to seeing more.
Finally, he checked his combat knife, a legacy item and constant reminder of his former life. The knife slid easily from the oiled sheath. Thomas thumbed the single edge of the Ka-Bar. If only men were as efficient, strong, and reliable.
(this was a little confusing. i did not get that you were compairing men to the knife - could be just me)
e alarm? No. Phone? Phone!ing over onto his side (typos?)
Not that it would stop him from complete ling the mission. (typo?)
t let him get to his feet!(what is this?)
LOL, wonderful, I loved this. Combining humor and poetry. Not something I've seen a lot of, outside of childrens' lyrics. But it wasn't only funny, I loved the flow. I see that you followed a format, but I wish it was longer. I loved the choice of this line (I'm pale, dear, just thinking of you) as your refrain. It works on many levels. Vlad the Impaler/I'm pale dear...too funny
Write on
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