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Public Reviews
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1
1
Review by writeartista
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (5.0)
It's my pleasure to donate this humble amount of GPs.
Thanks for your service to the community.

Maria
writeartista
2
2
Review by writeartista
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Dear author,

I clicked on this item immediately upon seeing the keyword "Kepler". Since its launching in 2009, I've been interested and enthusiastic about the NASA's Kepler Space Mission. Actually, your story doesn't really tackle the subject; nevertheless, it still hooked me.

The instant cloning of Williams was nice, reminding me of the 3D printing machine. It served her well in the end. Hopefully, the new boss won't be as nasty as the former.

Good job.

Maria
writeartista


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
3
3
Review of A Letter To Jean  
Review by writeartista
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.0)
My friend just underwent a double mastectomy after being diagnosed with Stage III BC. This is a wake-up call that this disease is very real and it strikes someone close when we least expect it; it leaves us praying it bypasses us. Breast cancer doesn't seem to follow any selection formula, and doesn't discriminate against anyone -- rich, poor, young, old or ethnicity blind.

You're right, we see more and more breast cancer survivors, thanks to advancement in medical technology. Someday, we hope that a simple vaccination can eradicate this disease.

Write on.

Maria Panlilio

A small correction:
"Someday we will talk of what use [used] to be,
the terrible loss of lives,
and think of those who gave their all,
Mother's [Mothers,] daughter's [daughters,] and wives."


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
4
4
Review of Dear Karly  
Review by writeartista
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I appreciate the words you expressed so eloquently about someone very close to you, and whose life has been claimed by breast cancer. I've been in that situation ... burying a loved one due to cancer.

Maria Panlilio


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
5
5
Review by writeartista
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hello,

First, I like the spirit of immediacy in your style, at least, for this story. However, I feel I had to catch a breath after each paragraph. . .all the fragmented sentences. It's almost like someone trying to get to his destination in a hurry and time is running out.

I like the premise of the story. Two people caught in an intense cyber romance then lose their connection, reuniting after ten years. In the end, we find out they've never even met in person. Nice twist.

Something didn't work for me. First of all, I do not have a picture of the two, for all I know they're both women. Hah. Ru? It sounds like a female name to me. I thought it was in a woman's point of view. It sounded like a woman's voice to me, especially since the emotional description of the love affair and the breakup were a bit too dramatic.

That's just my opinion.

Write on.

6
6
Review by writeartista
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Maria Concepcion Panlilio
Rising Star Superstar *Star* Angel Army Hall of Fame


* * **Heart** * *


This is a very nice letter to our servicemen who are away from home, fighting for the freedom of those who've been oppressed for so long under tyranical rulers. It is also a fight to keep the terrorist invaders away from our own land. In my opinion, we've been successful in getting rid of the most dangerous weapons of mass destruction, e.g.: Osama binLaden, Saddam Hussein & Sons, and others.

I've been a member of the wounded warriors organization, and the USO for years. My most significant contribution was volunteering at Ramstein AFB Hospital in Germany for our wounded soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan. It was a heartbreaking experience.

I pray for the safety of your son. And please thank him for me for his sacrifices in serving our country.

(Belated) Happy Thanksgiving.

Maria Panlilio


For each new morning with its light,
For rest and shelter of the night,
For health and food, for love and friends,
For everything Thy goodness sends.

. . . . . . . . Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thank you, Lord ... For everything Thy goodness sends.
7
7
Review of Love Song  
Review by writeartista
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)

Maria Concepcion Panlilio
Rising Star Superstar *Star* Angel Army Hall of Fame


* * **Heart** * *

A RISING STARS MEMBER-TO-MEMBER REVIEW


This is a loving and emotional tribute to love.
As in most relationships, love eventually is overshadowed by troubles, and fights ensue; inevitably, the couple drift apart. Sadly sometimes, one departs, and a funereal tune inhabits the heart of the living as he is left with nothing but the memories of the loved one, missing not only the highs, but also the lows of what was once the nature of their togetherness.

This is a beautiful and touching poem of lament for the love that has journeyed away from life.

You are a an extremely good writer. I glossed over your portfolio and briefly read a few of the items therein. I feel privileged to have had the opportunity to read, enjoy, admire and review your work.

I look forward to reading more from your portfolio. I think we share the same interest in physics and Einstein's Theory of Relativity (mass–energy equivalence: E = mc2).

Write on.

Maria
Author: "Pillars Of Pompeii

Rising Star Group Member to Member Review Sig
8
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Review of Love Song  
Review by writeartista
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Maria Concepcion Panlilio
Rising Star Superstar *Star* Angel Army Hall of Fame


* * **Heart** * *

A RISING STARS MEMBER-TO-MEMBER REVIEW


This is a loving and emotional tribute to love.
As in most relationships, love eventually is overshadowed by troubles, and fights ensue; inevitably, the couple drift apart. Sadly sometimes, one departs, and a funereal tune inhabits the heart of the living as he is left with nothing but the memories of the loved one, missing not only the highs, but also the lows of what was once the nature of their togetherness.

This is a beautiful and touching poem of lament for the love that has journeyed away from life.

You are a an extremely good writer. I glossed over your portfolio and briefly read a few of the items therein. I feel privileged to have had the opportunity to read, enjoy, admire and review your work.

I look forward to reading more from your portfolio. I think we share the same interest in physics and Einstein's Theory of Relativity (mass–energy equivalence: E = mc2).

Write on.

Maria
Author: "Pillars Of Pompeii

Thank you, Lord ... For everything Thy goodness sends.
9
9
Review by writeartista
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Dear Kiya and the Angel Army,

It is I -- the one who performs a disappearing act every now and then, and as always, I blame it on my day job (and a hundred other reasons). But here I am again, to give thanks to you for being one of my first friends when I joined this wonderful writing site. It's great to know that I may come, and I may go . . . but one thing's sure: you're a positive welcome sight every time I sign on. Kudos to you. Keep up the great work.

I will try my best to do my share as a member of this Angel Army.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO ALL

For each new morning with its light,
For rest and shelter of the night,
For health and food, for love and friends,
For everything Thy goodness sends.
. . . . . . . . Ralph Waldo Emerson

Maria Panlilio
(writeartista)

Thank you, Lord ... For everything Thy goodness sends.
10
10
Review by writeartista
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Dear Sherri,

It's always a pleasure to participate in your community activities.
I will be placing my bids asap.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO ALL

For each new morning with its light,
For rest and shelter of the night,
For health and food, for love and friends,
For everything Thy goodness sends.
. . . . . . . . Ralph Waldo Emerson

Maria Panlilio
(writeartista)

Thank you, Lord ... For everything Thy goodness sends.
11
11
Review of Thru The Dark  
Review by writeartista
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: E | N/A (Unratable.)
Been through many dark hours myself.
And each time, I eventually see the Divine light.
Your words are inspirational.

Inspirational. I love it.
Thank you for sharing.

Maria Panlilio
(writeartista)
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Review by writeartista
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi Country Mom,

This is a beautiful tribute to your ancestry.

The only thing that would make this complete for me (and this is not a suggestion) is a little mention about the first peoples of America--the Native Americans who came from the same region of my ancestry: Asia (Mitochandrial DNA of certain tribes of Native Americans was traced to Asian peoples). So far, scientists believe that the Native Americans came to the American continents across an ancient land bridge between present-day Alaska and present-day Siberia, and may have navigated from what is now Polynesia across the Pacific.

Your Polynesian friend: Maria Panlilio (writeartista)
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Review of Captain Seth  
Review by writeartista
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
MARIA CONCEPCION PANLILIO
Rising Star Superstar *Star* Angel Army Hall of Fame


* * **Heart** * *


Writeartista's Review of:
         Item #1696544
         Date: JAugust 5, 2010

Hi Fyn,

Just a short note to let you know how much I've enjoyed reading this poem. I love the story and the way you wrote it. . .so lyrical. The rhythm and rhyme, the musical echo with a distinct beat. . . love it all.

Just a few questions, as follows:

"Their catches always seemed to fill the hold. and Captain Seth's ship--" (a comma, instead of a period, after 'hold'?)

"overmuch" (Is this a word?)
ends of time. (Should it be 'end'?)

"Ah Captain Seth," (Should there be a comma after 'Ah'?)

Thank you for the pleasurable read. It should do well in the contest.

Write on.

Maria
Author: "The Mystery Cove

SP Group Signature
14
14
Review by writeartista
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
MARIA CONCEPCION PANLILIO
Rising Star Superstar *Star* Angel Army Hall of Fame


* * **Heart** * *


Writeartista's Review of:
         Item #1665730
         Date: July 2, 2010

Hello again Vince,

It's my pleasure to read your revised Chapter Three of "Nereid" and offer you the following comments:

-->In the sentence ending with: "displayed his security badge" add "to the guard":

-->Man, that felt cool. I love this Humvee,
Put the above in quotes.

-->Be consistent in writing sir and Sir. For the most part, you don't capitalize it, which I think is the correct way.

--> "Thank you, sir. Have a safe dive, Lieutenant," he gave a snap salute.
I would rewrite the above with something simpler like this:
"Thank you, sir," the Marine said with a snap salute. "Have a safe dive."

-->The aroma of the sea and burnt diesel fuel filled his nostrils. A manly thing.
It's a manly thing? I think the aroma would fill any person's nostrils. You may want to add that he finds the aroma pleasing, or even enjoyable.

-->PROCEED WITH CAUTION.'
Delete the single end quote since there is no beginning quote mark.

--> Perhaps it too had sand blown into its eyes, he thought.
Italicize internal dialogue. Better yet, in my opinion the above is corny and could be deleted.

-->There was no one watching him, so he tried calling the animal.
No need to separate this from the previous paragraph.

--> "Hello there. You have those golden-green eyes I seen before; you look like the same eagle I saw at the rehabilitation hospital. How in the world did you travel from South Asia to the east coast of the United States? That was you on the mountain ledge in Afghanistan. Do you know you saved my life that day?"

How about this rewrite:
"Hello there. You have those same golden-green eyes I'd seen before. . .in Afghanistan where you saved my life on the mountain ledge, and then at the rehabilitation hospital. How in the world did you travel from South Asia to the east coast of the United States?"
(You changed it from the west coast to the east coast?)

-->The eagle tilted its head in both directions and made gurgling sounds each time the officer had spoken.
I would delete: "each time the officer had spoken" and change it to: "as it listened to the officer talk." Then continue to the next paragraph without a break.

-->"swirled around him moments before. Before dropping the tailgate,"
Change the first "before" to "earlier".

Miscellaneous other comments:

* The whole conversation between the Lieutenant and Schultz sounds stilted to me. I remember having commented on this before and even made suggestions on how to make it sound simpler and smoother. At any rate, you may want to read it aloud several times to yourself to see where you can improve upon the dialog between the two.

* Review your paragraphs and indent some as necessary.

* Capitalize navy

Final comment: You have made vast improvement in your writing and I salute you for it. I think you should seriously review the conversations because a lot of them sound awkward, as if amateur actors are just learning how to read from scripts.

Looking good, Vince. Keep up the good work.

Write on, and on, and on.

Maria
Author: "The Chronicle of Esteban

SP Group Signature

15
15
Review by writeartista
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
MARIA CONCEPCION PANLILIO
Rising Star Superstar *Star* Angel Army Hall of Fame


* * **Heart** * *


Writeartista's Review of:
         Item #1660011
         Date: July 2, 2010

Hi Vince,

It's my pleasure to read your revised Chapter Two of "Nereid" and offer you the following comments:

In this sentence: "An aura that shimmered with a golden-glow surrounded the bird and complimented its intense golden-green eyes as they flickered." I think you might want to use the word "complement" instead of "compliment".
Compliment is an expression of praise. Ex: She paid him the best compliment about his writing.
Complement is to complete something. Ex: The Hibiscus flower she wears on her hair complements her Polynesian look.

Change the semicolon to comma here: "to stop the bleeding;"

The way you worded this sentence, it sounds as if he ate his juice. " he ate two hard boiled eggs, juice, then drank a large mug of coffee," Consider something like this: "he ate two hard boiled eggs then drank his juice and a large mug of coffee,"

You don't need the ellipses at the end of the last line here: "but pure curiosity. ..."

Insert a comma after "thought" here: "he thought as the one and a quarter ton vehicle jerked forward;"

"Another night that he had that same haunting dream. It began with the diminishing wop, wop, wop sound of the rotors, just before the drop to his death. A reality that replayed in his mind, making him relive it; quickly, he jumped from bed and rubbed his tired eyes, then abruptly turned to check the wall calendar. "

May I suggest the following revision to the above-cited text: "Another night, another haunting dream that began with the diminishing wop, wop, wop sound of the rotors, just before the drop to his death. In reality, he survived the near-fatal accident, only to be replayed night after night in his sleep. He noticed the time on the clock; instantaneously, he jumped from bed."

Indent paragraphs 8, 23, 24

Looking good, Vince.

Write on, and on, and on.

Maria
Author: "The Chronicle of Esteban

SP Group Signature
16
16
Review by writeartista
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
MARIA CONCEPCION PANLILIO
Rising Star Superstar *Star* Angel Army Hall of Fame


* * **Heart** * *


Writeartista's Review of:
         Item: #1660009
         Author:Vince Acurri
         Date: July 2, 2010

Dear Vince,

Your novel is progressing along and it's looking better and better. Congratulations on the Awardicons given to each of the posted chapters. People are noticing, and all the hard work you've put into it is finally reaping rewards. Although you have attempted several times to quit writing, I'm glad you have not completely been discouraged. Never give up on your dreams.

I have some thoughts about this chapter that I would like to offer, as follows:

The first few paragraphs are the most important in a story that can either hook or discourage a reader. While personally a few adverbs here and there are acceptable, you might not want to start with it; thus, you may want to consider revising your opening sentence: "THE HELICOPTER ROCKED UNPREDICTABLY." I will try to come up with a better replacement, and when I do, I will let you know. Also in the same opening paragraph, you don't need a comma after Lieutenant here: "Lieutenant, Austin Z. Ahtera" I also think that the first and second paragraphs should not be separated.

On the third paragraph, I think you should refer to "He" as "Lieutenant Ahtera". Also, you used the word "pass/passed" twice in the same line; consider revising "pass through him." to "run through him" or something like that.

Finally, the last line does not need the ellipses.

Mulan has shared with me her review of this chapter. Other than the above, I cannot think of anything else to add to her comments.

Write on, and on, and on, Vince.

Good luck.

Maria
Author: "MOUNT PINATUBO

SP Group Signature

17
17
Review by writeartista
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Carey,

WELCOME TO WDC. I'm glad you joined. I am sure you'll enjoy the community. Be sure to read the welcome letter from the Storymaster for some ideas in navigating the site. Review the list of community groups/forums and select a group that might interest you. One of my favorite groups that I'd recommend is the Simply Positive Group for encouragement and inspiration. Click here:
GROUP
SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  (E)
A group whose mission is to spread positivity.
#1384154 by Simply Positive

You have posted your first item, now put it out there and plug it for free and (hopefully) you get some R&Rs--not the R&R you're familiar with in the Military, but Read and Review *Smile*. Click on the following and follow the instructions: "The Shameless "Plug" Page

If you have any further questions aside from previously posed and answered through email, please do not hesitate to ask me.

Congratulations on your first posting. I will read it asap and give you my R&R.

Best of luck.

Your friend,

Maria
18
18
Review by writeartista
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Maria Concepcion Panlilio
Rising Star Superstar *Star* Angel Army Hall of Fame


* * **Heart** * *


General comments
This is an entertaining piece. I bet you had a great time writing it. Nothing beats fantasies, especially when it involves changing the government's cosmetics and how things are run. There's definitely a need for more creativity and color at the White House. Get rid of all the drab colors; let everybody wear Hawaiian shirts and mumus. I think you can solve all of the world's problems if we loosen up and "hang ten".

Technical comments:
Your manuscript format is clean, and the flow is nice and easy to follow. I didn't see any problem with grammar, spelling, or punctuations.

Corrections/Suggestions/comments:
No more.

Final remark:
Okay, I'd vote for you if you let me be one of the hula dancers at your luaus. *Smile*

I look forward to reading more from your port.

Write on.

Maria (writeartista)
Author of:
"MOUNT PINATUBO
GROUP
SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  (E)
A group whose mission is to spread positivity.
#1384154 by Simply Positive

A sig created by author

-
19
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Review of Helping Links  
Review by writeartista
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Maria Concepcion Panlilio
Rising Star Superstar *Star* Angel Army Hall of Fame


* * **Heart** * *


Hi Maryann,

As a newbie mentor, I find this extensive collection very helpful in assisting my newbies how to navigate WDC; how to use the bitem format; how to earn GPs through reviewing; how to google articles for research; and so on, and so forth. You just made my job a lot easier. I just give the ID# to the newbie and s/he can just click away and learn. Of course, my job does not stop there, but it's a great start. Thank you.

This list, however, is not valuable for newbies alone. We can all learn a lot from each folder, as I have, time and time again.

Great job, Maryann.

Write on.

Maria (writeartista)
Author of:
"MOUNT PINATUBO
GROUP
SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  (E)
A group whose mission is to spread positivity.
#1384154 by Simply Positive

A sig created by author

-


20
20
Review by writeartista
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Maria Concepcion Panlilio
Rising Star Superstar *Star* Angel Army Hall of Fame


* * **Heart** * *


General comments
A wonderful collection of cNotes. Each design is a delightful piece of greeting card that is sure to shower any recipient with long-lasting joy.

Technical comments:
Are these computer generated, or hand-designed? It doesn't matter the method; they're well done.

Corrections/Suggestions/comments:
I've ordered the "Thank You" card. It's the first cNote I've ever bought, so this question might sound silly to you: Is this mine, and can I send this card as many times as I want?

Final remark:
You have to show me how you create these cards. *Smile*

Write on.

Maria (writeartista)
Author of:
"MOUNT PINATUBO
GROUP
SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  (E)
A group whose mission is to spread positivity.
#1384154 by Simply Positive

A sig created by author

21
21
Review by writeartista
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Maria Concepcion Panlilio
Rising Star Superstar *Star* Angel Army Hall of Fame


* * **Heart** * *


General comments
I do know some people who've never used a computer, or people who are simply intimidated by them and never learn the technology. I've also met a celebrated author who still uses his first typewriter, a Royal antique manual typewriter, and guess what, he uses only his forefingers when typing, and no drafts ever.

Technical comments:
Your manuscript format is clean, and the flow is nice and easy to follow. I didn't see any problem with grammar, spelling, or punctuations.


Corrections/Suggestions/comments:
No errors noted.
My only suggestion is to give the reader an idea when this took place. How old were you then, and if you were already writing at that time.

Final remark:
This is a nice story. I join in thanking your aunt for inspiring you to become computer literate.

I look forward to reading more from your port.

Write on.

Maria (writeartista)
Author of:
"MOUNT PINATUBO
GROUP
SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  (E)
A group whose mission is to spread positivity.
#1384154 by Simply Positive

A sig created by author

-
22
22
Review by writeartista
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Maria Concepcion Panlilio
Rising Star Superstar *Star* Angel Army Hall of Fame


* * **Heart** * *


General comments
You write well. I've checked out your portfolio. I was impressed. You seem to be quite dedicated in your writing, and it's paying off. You're also very active in community service within WDC. More power to you, and I wish you continued success.

Technical comments:
Your manuscript format is clean, and the flow is nice and easy to follow. I didn't see any major problem with grammar, spelling, or punctuations.

I think you should give the setting for this story. Where's the village located at (I imagine in one of the Polynesian islands because of the names you've chosen for your major characters).

Corrections/Suggestions/comments:
knew that I loved him since the time we were small children
---->I knew that I loved him since we were small children.

He and my mom often took trips to other lands.
---->Since you did not give the setting for the location of their village, this reference to "other lands" does not mean much to me.

“I’m ready, and I’m looking forward to it.” I said as I gazed into his green eyes. Those eyes revealed that while he was happy to have me in his arms, he was also nervous about having me leave. “I’ll be Alright. Really.” I said in an assuring tone.
----->“I’m ready, and I’m looking forward to it,” I said ((note the comma at the end of the sentence before the end quotation mark)) as I gazed into his green eyes. ((green eyes for the island boy?))Those eyes revealed that while he was happy to have me in his arms, he was also nervous about having me leave. “I’ll be Alright. Really,” ((note the comma before the mark and the tag)) I said in an assuring tone.
----->Throughout the manuscript, you end a sentence with a period instead of a comma when the sentence is followed by a close quote mark and a tag. This is easy to change with a global "find and replace" funtion in Word.

It was much plainer looking then the other building,
---->It was much plainer looking than the other building,

Final remark:
This is a nice adventure story. The only thing that is lacking is a certain amount of conflict to make it a complete story.

I look forward to reading more from your port.

Write on.

Maria (writeartista)
Author of:
"MOUNT PINATUBO
GROUP
SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  (E)
A group whose mission is to spread positivity.
#1384154 by Simply Positive

A sig created by author


23
23
Review of Mommy Dearest  
Review by writeartista
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Maria Concepcion Panlilio
Rising Star Superstar *Star* Angel Army Hall of Fame


* * **Heart** * *


General comments
This is a very unique piece of work. The format was a little confusing at first, but I got into its substance and comprehended its premise after the first three sections.

Technical comments:
I cannot comment on its technical aspects because of its unusual format. Sometimes it sounded repetitive, and somewhat unrealistic. However, the emotions felt real and consistent throughout. The ending was predictable, but I can't think of a better ending.

Corrections/Suggestions:
As far as grammar, spelling, punctuations, etc., I didn't find any errors.
I don't have any suggestions for improvement.

Final remark:
A fascinating and engaging read. I look forward to reading more from this series.

I checked out your portfolio and signed your guestbook. I will see you again soon.

Write on.

Maria (writeartista)
Author of:
"MOUNT PINATUBO
GROUP
SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  (E)
A group whose mission is to spread positivity.
#1384154 by Simply Positive

A sig designed and created by the author for her public reviews.
24
24
Review by writeartista
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Maria Concepcion Panlilio
Rising Star Superstar *Star* Angel Army Hall of Fame


* * **Heart** * *


This review is given on behalf of:
GROUP
SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  (E)
A group whose mission is to spread positivity.
#1384154 by Simply Positive


Hello Kathie,

This is an excellent piece. It's not marked as autobiographical or personal experience, but it sounds very realistic. I learned a lot about addiction from reading this. Well done.

I have just a few very minor comments and suggestions, as follows:

boubon
         Change to bourbon

self control
          Needs hyphenation between the two words.

over sized and life saver
          Change to oversized and lifesaver.

I was heading for Starbucks, or as my husband calls it "four bucks.”
         I liked this a lot. *Smile*

This is indeed emotional and inspirational. Thank you for sharing it with us.

I look forward to reading more of your work someday.

Write on.

Maria (writeartista)
Author of: "MOUNT PINATUBO

A sig designed and created by the author for her public reviews.
25
25
Review by writeartista
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Maria Concepcion Panlilio
Rising Star Superstar *Star* Angel Army Hall of Fame


* * **Heart** * *


This review is given on behalf of:
GROUP
SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  (E)
A group whose mission is to spread positivity.
#1384154 by Simply Positive


Hi Shannon,

This is well done. I can’t remember if you’re in the medical profession, but you sold me with your fast-paced and gripping ER scene.

Thanks for sharing this entry to a short fiction contest for our review and reading pleasure. Thanks also for the generous auto-reward GPs, so let me earn them by making the following comments and suggestions.

I dont want to be left alone
          Change dont to don’t.

"Did you know I've loved you since I was six?"
         The boy was six and the girl was one year old. The image is a little weird for me.

"I'm sure. I've waited seventeen years for this moment.          She’s been waiting to have sex with him since she was one year old? Again, this sounds a little weird.

The ending is predictable, but it worked for me. Kudos to your writing style.

I look forward to reading more of your work someday.

Write on.

Maria (writeartista)
Author of: "MOUNT PINATUBO

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