MARIA CONCEPCION PANLILIO
Rising Star Superstar Angel Army Hall of Fame
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Writeartista's Review of:
Date: July 2, 2010
It's my pleasure to read your revised Chapter Two of "Nereid" and offer you the following comments:
In this sentence: "An aura that shimmered with a golden-glow surrounded the bird and complimented its intense golden-green eyes as they flickered." I think you might want to use the word "complement" instead of "compliment".
Compliment is an expression of praise. Ex: She paid him the best compliment about his writing.
Complement is to complete something. Ex: The Hibiscus flower she wears on her hair complements her Polynesian look.
Change the semicolon to comma here: "to stop the bleeding;"
The way you worded this sentence, it sounds as if he ate his juice. " he ate two hard boiled eggs, juice, then drank a large mug of coffee," Consider something like this: "he ate two hard boiled eggs then drank his juice and a large mug of coffee,"
You don't need the ellipses at the end of the last line here: "but pure curiosity. ..."
Insert a comma after "thought" here: "he thought as the one and a quarter ton vehicle jerked forward;"
"Another night that he had that same haunting dream. It began with the diminishing wop, wop, wop sound of the rotors, just before the drop to his death. A reality that replayed in his mind, making him relive it; quickly, he jumped from bed and rubbed his tired eyes, then abruptly turned to check the wall calendar. "
May I suggest the following revision to the above-cited text: "Another night, another haunting dream that began with the diminishing wop, wop, wop sound of the rotors, just before the drop to his death. In reality, he survived the near-fatal accident, only to be replayed night after night in his sleep. He noticed the time on the clock; instantaneously, he jumped from bed."
Indent paragraphs 8, 23, 24
Looking good, Vince.
Write on, and on, and on.
Author: "The Chronicle of Esteban"