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559 Total Reviews Given
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51
51
Review of To My Mother  
Review by writeartista
Rated: E | (4.5)
A review by writeartista (mariapanlilio)
"The WDC Angel Army"  *Star*"The Rising Stars Tour Bus" 

* * **Heart** * *

February 7, 2008

TO: Nicolina
RE: To My Mother
ID: 1340029

I am visiting new Rising Stars today, and it’s my pleasure to give you this R&R. This is my first time to read anything you’ve written, and I hope it won’t be the last.

Reading this is like re-reading the story of a very close friend of mine who's in the same situation. She has found her biological mother, but there is no warmth in their mother-daughter relationship. She feels a void in her life, but she has resigned to the fate that the void will never be filled. I hope that's not going to be your fate.

You write very well. I enjoyed reading your monologue. I did not find anything to criticize.

My favorite part:

I know they never told their friends, or their family, that I was not their real daughter. That their own daughter died while being born, strangled by the very cord that had given her life.

Write on. I look forward to reading your other monologue (To My Daughter).

Maria (writeartista)

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"The Rising Stars Tour Bus" 

MOUNT PINATUBO  (E)
Mount Pinatubo's eruption in 1991 drastically changed the lives of the main characters.
#1186646 by writeartista

52
52
Review by writeartista
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
A Review For The 3 Of Hearts Reviewing Frenzy


Item: 913046: “Chronic Pain Update Template
Author: Robin-Thanx her WDC Elf & Anon
Reviewer: writeartista
Date: February 2, 2008

Hi Robin,

I was cruising through your port and checking out your tennis photos, when I came accross this item. You created this in November 2004. I hope you are feeling much better, and that your physical malady is under control.

I had no idea that you suffer from chronic pain. I'm so sorry to read about that. My one sister suffers now and then from chronic pain, and as much as she hates to do it, she takes vicodin for it. The pain is almost all over her body; her shoulders, hands, fingers, back and hips. She's younger than I, but when pain attacks her, she walks like she's twenty years older. When she's not in pain, however, she looks and acts like a teenager. Up until last year, she was in the nursing profession; she got injured on the job and is now on disability.

I can understand what you are going through because of my sister's bout with chronic pain. I'm glad you have tennis to keep your mind off the pain even for a short while. Does tennis help physically? When my sister's in terrible pain, she can't do much of anything.

I hope writing is therapeutic for you. I'm glad you're doing this update template. I also saw your survery for disabled members, or members living with disabled people. A support group would be nice for you and the others.

Take care, and good luck on the backhand and overhead smash.

Write on.

Maria (writeartista)
Proud member of theWDC ANGEL ARMY, WDC RISING STARS,
and the Ethnic Women Writers Project

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Maria Panlilio -- An Art Exhibit  (E)
A small collection from Maria's gallery of artwork..
#1311996 by writeartista


53
53
Review by writeartista
Rated: E | (4.0)
A Review For The 3 Of Hearts Reviewing Frenzy


Item: 1318412: “Something Wrong, Something Right
Author: Just an ordinary Jyo
Reviewer: writeartista
Date: February 1, 2008

My general comments:

Thank you for your recent RR&R. Your input as a reader is valuable to me. I am pleased to give you my reciprocal review, hoping that I can identify any problem in this piece, and offer some constructive advice that might help improve the story, if needed at all.

My technical comments:

Overall, I think you write very well. I loved some of the images and descriptions you imparted. This story, however, was not an easy read for me. I thought it got too wordy at times, and the flow wasn’t as smooth as your other pieces. It also had some punctuation issues where commas were used when they were not required; and not used when they were needed. I have cited some examples below.

Your texts:
         There is something wrong here, I can feel it.” I noted mentally, to myself.
My comment/suggestion:
         I think this would read better like this: There is something wrong here, I can feel it,” I noted mentally. .

Your text:
          of the lord’s home
My comment/suggestion:
         You capitalized lord in other places.

Your text:
          Mentally torn, chastising myself I chose to cross the short distance to my Lord’s retreat
My comment/suggestion:
          I think this would read better like this: Mentally torn, I chastised myself and chose to cross the short distance to my Lord’s retreat

Your text:
          I inched my way forwards
My comment/suggestion:
          Change forwards to forward

Your text:
          if he or she had the authority to so
My comment/suggestion:
          Insert do between to and so

Your text:
          own free will, however I would
My comment/suggestion:
         Revise to read: own free will; however,I would

Your text:
          entered though this portal
My comment/suggestion:
          Did you mean through?

Your text:
          My antennae quivering in alarm I manouvered inwards, leaving a vapour trail from my frenzied rush. I stopped abruptly in my frenzied rush, before two heavily chased doors of gold.
My comment/suggestion:
         Consider replacing the second frenzied rush with a different phrase.

My final comment:

I look forward to more RR&R between us. I am impressed with your writing skills, and I think we can both learn from each other’s individual knowledge and experiences.

Write on.

Maria (writeartista)
A Proud member of THE WDC ANGEL ARMY
WDC RISING STARS, and the Ethnic Women Writers Project

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Maria Panlilio -- An Art Exhibit  (E)
A small collection from Maria's gallery of artwork..
#1311996 by writeartista
54
54
Review of My Useless Muse  
Review by writeartista
Rated: E | (5.0)
A Review For The 3 Of Hearts Reviewing Frenzy


Item: 1318412: “My Useless Muse"
Author: Gunny
Reviewer: writeartista
Date: February 1, 2008

Hello card-carrying member of PA (packrats anonymous)

My general comments:

Thank you for your RR&R re my "Invalid Item" . Your feedback is valuable to me. I appreciate your comments and suggestions.

I am pleased to give you my reciprocal R&R. I quickly explored your port and I find many of the posted items interesting. I will definitely come back some other time for more R&R.

Well ...you would feel weird around my abode because everything has to be in its proper place, and sterile. *Smile* But one thing you'd like--something we have in common--is listening to conservative talk radio.

My technical comments:

No syntactical, spelling and punctuation error noted.

My final comment:

A totally enjoyable piece. Thank you for sharing it

Loved the description of your muse. I would never have imagined such a "person" to be anybody's muse. *Smile*

Write on.

Maria (writeartista)
A Proud member of THE WDC ANGEL ARMY, WDC RISING STARS,
and the ETHNIC WOMEN WRITERS PROJECT

Maria Panlilio -- An Art Exhibit  (E)
A small collection from Maria's gallery of artwork..
#1311996 by writeartista

"Invalid Item" 
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
55
55
Review by writeartista
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Item: 1383173: “The Pain - The Pain"
Author: J. A. Buxton
Reviewer: writeartista
Date: February 1, 2008

My overall comments:

Some of the seemingly manly guys can be the most baby when it comes to handling pain. LOL. A splinter in his thumb? Oh, my ... Poor baby. How big is the splinter? Maybe there was really reason for all the wailing and writhing. *Smile*

What a surprise ending.

My technical comments:

No syntactical, spelling and punctuation error noted.

My final comment:

A totally enjoyable piece. Thank you for posting it and giving generous GP rewards. Good luck on the contest.

Write on.

Maria (writeartista)
A Proud member of THE WDC ANGEL ARMY, WDC RISING STARS,
and the ETHNIC WOMEN WRITERS PROJECT

Maria Panlilio -- An Art Exhibit  (E)
A small collection from Maria's gallery of artwork..
#1311996 by writeartista

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

56
56
Review by writeartista
Rated: E | (4.5)
A Review For The 3 Of Hearts Reviewing Frenzy


Item: 742412: “Get Bitten By the Tennis Bug”
Author: Robin-3 of Hearts Reviewer
Reviewer: writeartista
Date: January 29, 2008

My general comments:

It is my pleasure to read this article about the sport of tennis. Being a tennis enthusiast myself, I was delighted to find a WDC member who shares one of my passions in life. I’ve been a tennis player for many years, and have published articles about the sport. Please check out image:1333748 and meet my 5.0 Career Women Indoor Tennis Championship Team.

My technical comments:

You indicated that this article has been published; but just in case you’d want to recycle it for another publication, I would suggest shortening the paragraphs.

Additionally, you might want to be consistent in how you write your numbers. For example,
Your texts:
         “Children as young as 3 can take--”
          “his 16-year-old son/daughter to a match—“
My suggestions:
         Spell out ‘3’ and ‘16’ as you did in the following:
         “--a forty-year-old Dad can challenge –“
          “--mini-tennis with her five-year-old.”

My final comment:
I hope you don’t mind me critiquing an already published article. If you have any questions, please do not hesitate to ask.

Write on.

Maria (writeartista)
A Proud member of THE WDC ANGEL ARMY
A Proud member of THE WDC RISING STARS
A Proud member of THE Ethnic Women Writers Project
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 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1315836 by Not Available.
57
57
Review by writeartista
Rated: E | (3.5)
A Review For The 3 Of Hearts Reviewing Frenzy
by Maria Panlilio


Item: 1367096: Love Makes No Sound
Author: imaginations
Reviewer: writeartista
Date: January 17, 2008

Dear imaginations,

First of all, I admire you for not giving up on love. At age 70 and deaf, you found a "new" husband. And now, you're writing a story. How wonderful.

Thank you for sharing your story with us, and for the opportunity to review and comment on it.

You have some nice visuals, which I really liked, especially when you were describing your childhood house.

Your characters and dialogue are believable and natural.

Technically, I noticed some structural and punctuation issues. I will list some of them below, and offer some suggestions for improvement.

My corrections/suggestions/comments are in bold. (The first part is your text.)

each others company. Change others to other's

Mary Ellen snuggled back under the blanket and put her arm around Jacob, as she drifted back to sleep, her thoughts once again turned to her childhood.
Mary Ellen snuggled back under the blanket and put her arm around Jacob. As she drifted back to sleep, her thoughts once again turned to her childhood lovers’ sheets

touching her mothers hand-- Change mothers to mother's

“don’t worry mama I’m okay -- “Don’t worry Mama, I’m okay."

Ruth and Daniel were silent as they drove the rest of the way to the doctor’s. When they pulled into the parking lot fifteen minutes later the doctor was already there waiting on them. doctor’s what? A clinic? Add comma after later, and change on to for

Change mothers to mother's

Doctor Mason looked at them and said, “go ahead and take Mary Ellen into that room on the right-- Change go to Go

While they sat there waiting Daniel looked over at his little girl and said. Ruth, I think now would be a good time to pray,” Ruth who was sitting on the bed with Mary Ellen reached over and took her hand, and Daniel came and stood in front of them holding both of their hands began to pray, Put a comma after waiting; change period after said; quotation marks before Ruth; replace the comma after pray with a period; and add a comma after hands.

Thank you for your son, and that he took stripes on his back for our healing, and died so that we could live, in Jesus name Amen.” Change son to Son; he to He; his to His;

Doctor Mason, stood though out the entire prayer and then cleared his throat, is everybody ready?” Remove comma after Mason; change though out to throughout

starring her in the eyes-- Change starring to staring

“Mary Ellen, I am going to look at you and see what is going on. Okay.” Change period to a question mark after Okay.

Hope this helps. If you have any questions, please do not hesitate to ask.

Write on.

Maria (writeartista)
A Proud member of THE WDC ANGEL ARMY


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 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1315836 by Not Available.
58
58
Review of I HATE YOU  
Review by writeartista
Rated: E | (4.5)
A review of Item 1211369 -- written by Sherri Gibson
Reviewed by writeartista
January 13, 2008


Goodness, gracious, Sherri, this is mighty strong. From the title, through the last word, I really felt the emotion of hate in the poem. Glad this is only a work of fiction. I'd hate to see a hate poem from you based on a personal experience. *Smile*

As usual, terrific work. No single error noted.

Write on, and thank you for organizing this project.

Maria
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1315836 by Not Available.


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59
59
Review by writeartista
Rated: E | (5.0)
Dear Gabriella,

This is one of the reasons I remain an active member of the Rising Stars and WDC. How wonderful of you to manage this project for our dear friend Sherri Gibson. I hope she is feeling much better and will be back to us soon.

More power to you all.

Maria

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60
60
Review by writeartista
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
A review by writeartista (mariapanlilio)
"The WDC Angel Army"  *Star*"The Rising Stars Tour Bus" 
*Star*"Invalid Item"  *Star* "Invalid Item" 
*Star* "Invalid Item"  *Star* "Mainstream Novel Workshop Group" 

(A WDC Angel Army Star Reviewer, Author of the Month, Hall of Fame Awardee, and Rising Star Superstar)

* * **Heart** * *

December 16, 2007

TO: dsh_214
RE: Being Filipino, Being unique
ID: 1361990

Dear kababayan,

Welcome to Writing.Com. You have made a significant decision in joining this community of writers from all over the world. I am glad you found me and requested that I review and critique your essay. Therefore, here I am, ready to share with you the bit of the literary knowledge I've acquired as a freelance writer for various magazines and newspapers in the U.S. and the Philippines. I grew up in the Philippines, so you've come to the right place. I assure you that I will give you only the most honest and objective review of your essay.

My overall comments:

I commend you for writing something about our Filipino heritage. You clearly depicted yourself as someone who is proud about being a Filipina, and that is an admirable quality. Have you ever considered working for the Board of Tourism? *Smile*

The universal perception of Filipinos must be something that is very important to you; hence, this thesis, as you call it. I happen to be surrounded by people who admire Filipinos; therefore, I never felt the need to write this kind of an article. I admit however, that there are some people who consider the Filipinos backward, among other negative impressions, but this is not akin to Filipinos alone. There are people all over the world who tend to look down on someone, or a certain ethnic group. It's human nature.

I wondered about this subheading to your essay:
         Audience: The erudite who have migrated to foreign lands.

If I understand the above correctly, you restrict your audience to the well-educated and scholarly Filipinos who've left the country (the brain drains). Is this so, and why?

My technical comments:

I have several issues with your writing, and I hope I can enlighten you with these issues without offending you because that's not my intent. My sole purpose is to help you improve on the mechanics of writing, and if you ever need a mentor, I am here for you.

Your word choices.

         You tend to use some bombastic words (big words, as they call them here in the U.S.) when a simpler word would suffice and sound better. Example: internecine, ersatz, glossolalia, and palaver. I have to admit, however, that I was guilty of same when I was very young and just beginning to write stories. I was writing to impress instead of express. The result was just the opposite. No reader wants to have to refer to the dictionary every time s/he encounters an unrecognized word. So, when consulting the thesaurus, I suggest that you choose the simplest and most appropriate word that the average reader can understand.
         Sometimes you also use words that don't make sense in the sentence; for example: Being a Filipino, being an indio, that is the ersatz perception that was perjorated by the media. This is ambiguous and confusing to me. Also, I don't think there is such a word as perjorated.

Use of adjectives.

To me, it's fine to use adjectives, but the general rule is to use it sparingly; avoid it as much as possible. For example: magnanimous grandeur, obtuse deceit, abysmal regret, magnificent complexion, magnificent shape. I also noticed that you like to use the word magnificent. Try not to use the same word more than once in a short piece like this.

Miscellaneous comments:

         You wrote: This glamour that we have stands above all, our hair, whose color is as dark as a moonless night, our aquiline nose, whose magnificent shape mesmerizes others with envy.
         Oh my. Okay, I think I have an average Filipino nose, and its definitely not aquiline, in fact, it's kind of flat. *Smile* When I think of such a hook nose, I think of a Roman's nose. I smiled when you described the Filipino nose as having a "magnificent shape that mesmerizes others with envy."

         You wrote: The Filipinos are the only ones who rise before the sun shows his rays to attend mass--
         Indeed, I remember rising at pre-dawn many times to go to church with my family. Most of these occurred around Christmas. However, I wouldn't be surprised if other authors from different predominantly Catholic countries disputed this statement from you.

         You wrote: --we are known to be the only ones who can rejoice in pain and sorrow.
         Perhaps rejoice is not the right word choice here. Anyway, why would people rejoice in pain and sorrow? Maybe a little clarification would make this clearer.

My final comments:

I will be sending you the redlined manuscript by separate mail so you can see my other editing comments and suggestions not covered here.

Thanks for the opportunity to read your essay. I hope my comments are helpful.

If I can be of any further assistance, please don't hesitate to ask me.

When you find the time, please check out these two Christmas short stories from my port:


Write on.

Maria (writeartista)

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 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1047366 by Not Available.
61
61
Review by writeartista
Rated: E | (5.0)
A review by writeartista (mariapanlilio)
"The WDC Angel Army"  *Star*"The Rising Stars Tour Bus" 
*Star*"Invalid Item"  *Star* "Invalid Item" 
*Star* "Invalid Item"  *Star* "Mainstream Novel Workshop Group" 

(A WDC Angel Army Star Reviewer, Author of the Month, Hall of Fame Awardee, and Rising Star Superstar)

* * **Heart** * *


December 16, 2007

1215563 -- On A Starry, Starry Night
(A short story written about a father and daughter's night out chasing fireflies.)
By: Everydaywriting-Young Writer

Dear author,

I don't know for sure where I found your item, but I had it on my personal list of stories to review. I am so glad I finally had the opportunity to read it because its a gem of a story.

You call yourself a young writer; may I ask how young?

My overall comments:

This is impressive. It’s vivid, realistic, and very moving.

I was spellbound when Rachel disappeared from Daddy's view while chasing fireflies. I knew where the story was going, yet I was still stricken with fear for the little girl's fate. It must be any parent's nightmare -- to lose a child, especially in the manner in which it happened in the story.

My technical comments:

Tight, vivid prose. I found no single grammar, spelling or punctuation error. Congratulations on a job well done.

My final comments:

Thanks for the opportunity to be awed by your talent. I look forward to returning to your port for another R&R.

When you find the time, please check out these two Christmas short stories from my port:


Write on.

Maria (writeartista)

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1047366 by Not Available.
62
62
Review of Going Home  
Review by writeartista
Rated: E | (4.0)
A review by writeartista (mariapanlilio)
A proud member of the:
"The WDC Angel Army"  *Star*"The Rising Stars Tour Bus"  *Star* "RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group"  *Star*"Invalid Item"  *Star* "Invalid Item"  *Star* "Invalid Item" 

(A WDC Angel Army Star Reviewer, Author of the Month,
Hall of Fame Awardee, and Rising Star Superstar)

* * **Heart** * *


December 13, 2007

To: Helen McNicol

Dear Army Angel:

I saw your name under the WDC Angel Army's Port Authors on Spotlight. Congratulations. I am visiting Angel Army ports today, and it’s my pleasure to give you this R&R. This is my first time to read anything from your library, but I'm sure it won't be the last either.

My overall comments:

I'm a sucker for a good sob story, and this one qualified as one. I like how you used the wilting tulip as a metaphor for the dying woman.

My technical comments:

I offer the following suggestions:

"Better than yesterday," she saw the expression on Jessie’s face and turned to look at the calender, "What day is it?"

I suggest changing the above to read: "Better than yesterday." She saw the expression on Jessie’s face and turned to look at the calendar. "What day is it?"

Spelling errors:
         squeeking (squeaking)
         alter (altar)
         Tulip (tulip)

Miscellaneous:
         lino is probably an acceptable abbreviation, but for me, I'd rather see the word spelled out (linoleum).

         five year sentence (five-year)

         her daughters blue eyes (daughter's or daughters')

My final comments:

Great job. I look forward to returning to your port for another R&R.

When you find the time, please check out these two Christmas short stories from my port:



Write on.

Maria (writeartista)

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


GROUP
The WDC Angel Army  (ASR)
Dedicated to promoting positivity, encouragement, and support to the WDC community.
#1188309 by iKïyå§ama-House Targaryen


63
63
Review by writeartista
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
A review by writeartista (mariapanlilio)
A proud member of the:
"The WDC Angel Army"  *Star*"The Rising Stars Tour Bus"  *Star* "RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group"  *Star*"Invalid Item"  *Star* "Invalid Item"  *Star* "Invalid Item" 

(A WDC Angel Army Star Reviewer, Author of the Month,
Hall of Fame Awardee, and Rising Star Superstar)

* * **Heart** * *


December 13, 2007

To: Snow-Luv-in.Web~Witch

Dear Army Angel:

I saw your name under the WDC Angel Army's Port Raid Authors of the Month. Congratulations. I am visiting Angel Army ports today, and it’s my pleasure to give you this R&R. I don't think this is my first time to read something from your library, and I'm sure it won't be the last either.

My overall comments:

What a unique and totally enjoyable Thanksgiving story. I will never look at a roast turkey in the same old way ever again without seeing the image of a woman hot tubbing with a frozen turkey while holding a rum-spiked eggnog. (Whew! Easy for me to say. *Smile*)

Too bad; Mother Nature hasn't perfected the autumn auxiliary refrigeration system.

You got me at the edge of my seat wondering what's going to happen next. All right, the ending was kind of a let down because I was really hoping for some kind of an unexpected thing to happen; it didn't. But that was unfair of me. The whole thing is perfect already as written.

My technical comments:

I offer no suggestions; like I've said, it's perfect.

My final comments:

You made me believe this really happened to you. Oh, why did you have to call it fiction?

Great job. I look forward to returning to your port for another R&R.

When you find the time, please check out these two Christmas short stories from my port:



Write on.

Maria (writeartista)

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


GROUP
The WDC Angel Army  (ASR)
Dedicated to promoting positivity, encouragement, and support to the WDC community.
#1188309 by iKïyå§ama-House Targaryen


64
64
Review of Commencement  
Review by writeartista
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
A review by writeartista (mariapanlilio)
A proud member of the:
"The WDC Angel Army"  *Star*"The Rising Stars Tour Bus"  *Star* "RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group"  *Star*"Invalid Item"  *Star* "Invalid Item"  *Star* "Invalid Item" 

(A WDC Angel Army Star Reviewer, Author of the Month,
Hall of Fame Awardee, and Rising Star Superstar)

* * **Heart** * *


December 13, 2007

To: NickiD89

Dear Army Angel:

I saw your name under the WDC Angel Army's authors on spotlights. Congratulations. I am visiting Angel Army ports today, and it’s my pleasure to give you this R&R. This is my first time to read anything you’ve written, and I'm sure it won't be the last.

My overall comments:

It's not an original idea as we've seen this many times on the screen. The reason why we continue to see this plot is because it still works. And it works here as well. Proof: it won first place in a contest. We just love a second chance in love and romance.

In all its simplicity, this is an engaging read. It flows smoothly, is formatted well, and there's never a boring moment.

My technical comments:

I offer only these minor suggestions, as follows:

Your text: Damn, Lacey, was this the best you could find me?, he thought as he--
My suggestion:Damn, Lacey, was this the best you could find me? he thought, as he--

Your text: Lacey had asked for the “real story”.
My suggestion: Lacey had asked for the real story.

My final comments:

Thank you for sharing this enjoyable short story. You made me root for the childhood lovers to hook up again. And wouldn't that be the greatest gift of all for their graduating collegiate daughter?

Very nice job. I look forward to returning to your port for another R&R.

When you find the time, please check out these two Christmas short stories from my port:



Write on.

Maria (writeartista)

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


GROUP
The WDC Angel Army  (ASR)
Dedicated to promoting positivity, encouragement, and support to the WDC community.
#1188309 by iKïyå§ama-House Targaryen


65
65
Review by writeartista
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
A review by writeartista (mariapanlilio)
A proud member of the:
"The WDC Angel Army"  *Star*"The Rising Stars Tour Bus"  *Star* "RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group"  *Star*"Invalid Item"  *Star* "Invalid Item"  *Star* "Invalid Item" 

(Also, a WDC Angel Army Star Reviewer, Author of the Month,
Hall of Fame Awardee, and Rising Star Superstar)

* * **Heart** * *


December 13, 2007

Dear Army Angel:

I saw your name (a 71-year old author) under the WDC Angel Army Port Raid Authors of the Month. Congratulations. I am visiting Angel Army ports today, and it’s my pleasure to give you this R&R. This is my first time to read anything you’ve written, and I hope I do justice to your work.

My overall comment:

This is a very powerful prose. I sense that you express your feelings and opinions without pulling any punches. You go, girl.

Since time immemorial, humanity has been plagued by the abuse and killing of the innocents, most notably, the episode of infanticide by King Herod. After several millenia, inhumane treatment of children all over the world is still much of an issue. Slavery of the young is still very much alive in tyranical countries like Sudan.

My technical comments:

I offer no suggestions. This is perfect as is.

My final comments:

Thank you for sharing this impassioned cry to save God's children.

When you find the time, please check out these two Christmas short stories from my port:



Write on.

Maria (writeartista)

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


GROUP
The WDC Angel Army  (ASR)
Dedicated to promoting positivity, encouragement, and support to the WDC community.
#1188309 by iKïyå§ama-House Targaryen


66
66
Review of Chapter One  
Review by writeartista
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
A review by writeartista (mariapanlilio)
A proud member of the:
"The WDC Angel Army"  *Star*"The Rising Stars Tour Bus"  *Star* "RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group"  *Star*"Invalid Item"  *Star* "Invalid Item"  *Star* "Invalid Item" 

(Also, a WDC Angel Army Star Reviewer, Author of the Month,
Hall of Fame Awardee, and Rising Star Superstar)

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December 13, 2007

Dear Army Angel:

I am visiting Angel Army ports today, and it’s my pleasure to give you this R&R. This is my first time to read anything you’ve written, and I hope I do justice to your story. I think you are a promising writer, and I look forward to reading more of your work someday.

My overall comment:

As the beginning of a young adult story, this has possibilities. It flows well, very easy to read, and never a dull moment.

When the mean and abusive father’s character changes after the wife leaves him, is a bit sudden and a surprise to me. If this is a fictional part of the biographical story, maybe it needs some transitional revision so as not to shock your reader.

My technical comments:

I would like to offer some suggestions, as follows:

Your text: She would sit alone in her room most nights, while her parents would argue, writing poetry, strumming her hand-me-down acoustic guitar, and visualizing her picture perfect wedding.

My suggestion: While her parents argued, she would sit alone in her room most nights, writing poetry, strumming her hand-me-down acoustic guitar, and visualizing her picture perfect wedding.

Your text:
“Dinner.” Her mom cautiously replied.
My suggestion:
“Dinner,” her mom cautiously replied.

Your text:
Maybe I should show you jus’ how smart I am.” He said through gritted teeth.
My suggestion:
Maybe I should show you jus’ how smart I am,” he said through gritted teeth.

Your text:
I wanna talk to you.” Her dad replied,
My suggestion:
I wanna talk to you,” her dad replied,

Your text:
She could smell the foul aroma of beer on his breath.
My suggestion:
I think you are in the mother’s mind here, which is a PoV switch. Consider editing for clarity.

Your text:
She could also her hear mom crying, whimpering, and begging him to stop.
My suggestion:
She could also hear her mom crying, whimpering, and begging him to stop.

I hope you find my comments helpful. You’re off to a good start, and I hope to read the rest of this novel someday.

When you find the time, please check out these two Christmas shorts stories from my port:



Write on.

Maria (writeartista)

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#1188309 by iKïyå§ama-House Targaryen

67
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Review by writeartista
Rated: E | (4.5)
A review by writeartista (mariapanlilio)
A proud member of the:
"The WDC Angel Army"  *Star*"The Rising Stars Tour Bus"  *Star* "RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group"  *Star*"Invalid Item"  *Star* "Invalid Item" 
(Also, a WDC Angel Army Star Reviewer, Author of the Month,
Hall of Fame Awardee, and Rising Star Superstar)

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December 7, 2007

"The Quest of Morning Rush"
By Ria Lu
ID #1246056

Dear Team Asia member:

I am port-raiding Team Asia today, and it’s my pleasure to give you this R&R.

My overall comment:

This is a well-written piece; interesting and sometimes entertaining. It brought me back to my former life in the Philippines.

My technical comments:

This is posted in WDC where members from various countries might not understand your reference to the commercial ‘jeeps’ and the ‘tricycles.’ Perhaps a very brief description or explanation would prevent any confusion.

My final comments:

When you find the time, I would appreciate a reciprocal visit from you.

Keep writing. You have the talent. I look forward to reading some of your longer pieces someday.

Write on. Right on.

Maria (writeartista)

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#1346603 by Not Available.
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Review of No Ho Ho Here  
Review by writeartista
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Date: 11-29-07
Subject: No Ho Ho Here
ID #1354373
Author: J.A. Buxton


Welcome to my reviewing den.
It's been a pleasure doing this R&R

*Heart**Heart*


Dear Judity,

My General Comments:

         Thank you for the opportunity to review this short story. It's always an absolute delight to read your work.

         "No Ho Ho Here" is a timely piece. Reminding us to go out and vote next presidential election is a good thing. I knew what you were supposed to find in the box based on the prompt, but it's good that you did not overlay the santa suit. Waiting till the end to do it was great. The use of the phrase "the future President" was nicely done.

Write on.

Writeartista
LOOK, MOM, I'M FLYING  (13+)
My skydiving experience. Rewritten in honor of my departed Mom for Mother's Day.
#1140678 by writeartista

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A REVIEW FOR THE

"The Earth Day Challenge" 
69
69
Review of Free Falling  
Review by writeartista
Rated: E | (3.0)
Date: 11-27-07
Subject: Free Falling
ID #1342171
Created 11-02-2007
Author: AOShea


Welcome to my reviewing den.
It's been a pleasure doing this R&R

*Heart**Heart*


You say this is your first experience with skydiving, and that you’ve never written anything else. As you requested, I am giving you this R&R.

My General Comments:

         Thank you for the opportunity to review this story. With just a little more work, this has a real potential for becoming a good short story. Some of my comments or suggestions are based on my personal opinions only, while some are based on my knowledge and personal experiences as a skydiver. You, of course, have the final determination on whether or not to consider any of my suggestions.

My Technical Comments:

You wrote:
My last moments alive and I am spending them with these foreign people with an apparent death wish.
My comments:
         1. ”foreign” sounds like they’re from other countries; consider using a different word if you mean people who are strangers to you.
         2. To say that skydivers have “an apparent death wish” is now cliché. Most of us are not daredevils. We not only treasure life, but we live it.

You wrote:
There were twenty of us in that small area of only about fifty square feet, the air was hot and heavy, I could hardly breath.
My comments:
         1. 20 people inside a Cessna? (I assume it was a Cessna, or a King Air). That sounds too many.
         2. Change ‘breath’ to ‘breathe.’

You wrote:
After what seemed like eternity, my partner and I strapped together, wobbled towards what seemed to be the only viable way out.
My comment:
         You already said in the beginning that you’re ‘strapped to a strange man,’ I suggest you delete ‘my partner and I strapped together.’

You wrote:
This is it I thought,
My comment:
         Put a comma after ‘it’

You wrote:
I tried to look down and couldn’t move my head; it was strapped more tightly to the man behind me, the man with whom I was trusting my life.
My comments:
         1. I find it incredulous that your head was strapped to your tandem master.
         2. Also, you used too many ‘strapped’ in this very short story. I suggest a different word, like ‘attached’ or ‘hooked’

You wrote:
I had left my mother on the ground about twenty minuets earlier, before I boarded that small plane, that might have been the last time I saw her, had the fate of that trip turned bitter.
My comments:
         1. Change ‘minuets’ to ‘minutes.’
         2. This is a run-on sentence. Consider revising for clarity.
         3. Did you mean ‘turned better’ instead of ‘turned bitter?’

You wrote:
I watched as partner after partner jumped through that small portal of rushing wind.
My comment:
         Change ‘partner after partner’ to ‘tandem after tandem’

Additional Suggestions:
         1. Tell us the type of airplane (Cessna, or King Air)
         2. Explain the type of jump you made. If this is the first, you probably jumped tandem where you’re hooked to the tandem master.
         3. You might want to include the altitude from which you jumped.

My final Comments:
         There are many more technical corrections that need to be made to your manuscript. I would be happy to review an edited version of this story, if you wish.

         Your story is contained in one long paragraph. I suggest that you break it up in smaller ones.

         This is a good story to write for your very first story. It’s based on a personal experience, so the details must still be fresh in your mind. Include as much as you can. Take your readers with you up there in the stratosphere.

         I would be happy to review any edited version of this story for you.

Write on.

Writeartista
LOOK, MOM, I'M FLYING  (13+)
My skydiving experience. Rewritten in honor of my departed Mom for Mother's Day.
#1140678 by writeartista

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A REVIEW FOR THE

"The Earth Day Challenge" 
70
70
Review of Dropped  
Review by writeartista
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
A REVIEW FOR THE REVIEWS FOR CHARITY

Date: 11-26-07
Subject: ("Dropped"
Author: (nth cicada)

Hello.

My General Comments:

         Thank you for the opportunity to review your entry for a writing contest.

         With just a little more work, this has a real potential for becoming a good short story.

         The following comments are based on my opinions and experiences with skydiving. You, of course, have the final determination on whether or not to consider them.

         I find this story confusing in several places. Why would the enemies even bother to give her the goggles when they plan on killing her? For that matter, why the parachute? And if she's really the "expert at skydiving" (as mentioned in the story), why didn't she pull the cord?

         What crime did Jason commit? And why is he killing his friend?

More Technical Comments:

          I'm freefalling, spiraling down a hundred miles an hour toward destruction.
>Freefalling is 120 miles per hour.

         I should have listened to his shrink, Tina and stayed away from him.
>There seems to be a word missing here.

         You're the expert on skydiving," he said.
>I didn't get this 'expertise' from reading this story.

         I shut my eyes knowing it will only be a few seconds more, maybe a few minutes at most.
>You don't have a few minutes.

         I was past the point of safe landing even if I released a parachute. Fortunately, my prayers were answered and I do pass out before I land headfirst into the coffee field.
>Surviving a freefall all the way down to terra firma would be a miraculous thing.

I would be happy to review any edited version of this story for you.

Write on.

Writeartista
LOOK, MOM, I'M FLYING  (13+)
My skydiving experience. Rewritten in honor of my departed Mom for Mother's Day.
#1140678 by writeartista

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71
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Review of Scooba Dooba Do  
Review by writeartista
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)

Review for: "The Earth Day Challenge" 
Review of: "Scooba Dooba Do"
Author: J.A. Buxton

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Dear Judity,

Welcome to my Reviewing Den!
It’s been a pleasure reading and reviewing your short story.


My general comments:
         Positively fun to read. You're in your exclusive elements in writing this story. Scooba is delightful. I'd like one of those. I won't have any problem with pets because I don't own one.

Thank you for sharing Scooba's photos.

My suggestion:
         I would like to know how big Scooba is to be able to swallow cats like that.

My favorite part:
         Looking at her from the doorway, I watched as she proceeded to dry off by rolling on my newly purchased, very expensive, velvet bedspread.
         A velvet bedspread? Really?

My least favorite part:
         None

My final comments:
          Great job. I was totally entertained.

Write on.

Writeartista
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A review for:
"The Earth Day Challenge" 
72
72
Review by writeartista
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
(A REVIEW FOR THE REVIEWS FOR CHARITY)

Date: 11-26-07
Subject: ("Cancer Changes Minds"
Author: ("Brit-Girl)

Hello.

My General Comments:

         Thank you for the opportunity to review your short story.

         Two things attracted me to this piece. (1) The subject of cancer, because of a friend’s breast cancer; and (2) Skydiving, because I am a skydiver.

          The opening sentence did not hook me, but I pressed on. Cancer is a very serious affliction, and what I detected in your narrative is a nonchalant voice. Dan should have been a little more emotional in your description. I don't mean melodramatic, but telling me that he sounded desperate, for me, did not show the emotion.

         Dan is diagnosed with lung cancer. You do not explain what might have caused the cancer, which usually is a result of smoking, or exposure to second hand smoke.

         I see some potential for this short story, but in its present state, it needs more work. I will cite some of the reasons why I think so.

         The following comments are based on my opinions only. You, of course, have the final determination on whether or not to consider them.

         Skydiving is an extreme sport, yes . . . when a person is given a death sentence by virtue of a malignant cancer, he/she may think of something exciting and adventurous to do. Skydiving has become a cliché in a situation like this. I think you need to think of something even more drastic, like skydiving into the crater of a fiery cauldron; or scaling the top of Mt. Kilimanjaro; or finally marrying his childhood sweetheart who's been waiting for his proposal since birth; or all of the above. *Smile*

         I noted issues with the mechanics, like punctuations, but they’re too minor to enumerate here. You’ll find them easily during editing.

My Final Comments:

          I have seen your prolific reviews on the Public Reviewing Page, and I’d like to commend you for your ardent participation in WDC’s reviewing process. Keep up the good work.

Write on.

Writeartista

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A review for:
"The Earth Day Challenge" 
73
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Review by writeartista
Rated: E | (3.5)
ID #1333887


Review for: REVIEWS FOR CHARITY
Review of: “What Am I Doing Here?” By:Marty Livingston
Review by: writeartista (mariapanlilio), a proud member of the WDC Angel Army *Star* WDC Rising Stars. *Star* Also a WDC Angel Army Star Reviewer, Author of the Month, Hall of Fame Awardee, and a Rising Star Superstar.

* * **Heart** * *

Dear Author,

Welcome to my reviewing den!
I am pleased to give you this R&R.


My general impression:
         This is about a young man in search of himself; angry at not belonging; angry at his stepfather and mother for sending him away to college against his will. He releases his fury at the pinball machine. This last line gave me chills: “Just get into it like you did with King C. You’re a killer. Make them reckon with you.”

My general technical comments/suggestions
         I don’t have a visual sense with respect to the characters. I suggest you describe Jim to your readers.

         I found a lot of areas where you can tighten your narrative. Miscellaneous suggestions are listed below.

Your text
         “Just swell’” Jim said with
My comment/suggestion
         Remove extra quotation mark after swell
         Add comma after swell

Your text
          “Just swell’” Jim said with as much feigned interest as he could muster. Kessler sat down on one of the two beds in the room, directly in front of where Jim sat. “What made you choose Dickinson? I came because of the pre-law program.”
Jim grunted. “Yeah, I heard of the pre-law program. I don’t know what I want to take. I’ve never been big on school.”
Then, kind of abruptly, he got up and walked out the door. “Be back later.”
My comment/suggestion
         This text is not clearly structured. I would revise it to read something like this:
          “Just swell,” Jim said with as much feigned interest as he could muster.
         Kessler sat down on one of the two beds in the room, directly in front of where Jim sat. “What made you choose Dickinson? I came because of the pre-law program.”
          “Yeah, I heard of the pre-law program,” Jim grunted. I don’t know what I want to take. I’ve never been big on school.” Abruptly, he got up and walked out the door. “Be back later.”


Your text
          That is serious grown up stuff. You need to begin to take an interest in grown up stuff.”
My comment/suggestion
         Somehow, this didn’t sound natural for Jim’s mother to say. It sounded more like a young person’s speech.

Your text
          Jim remembered how Mom’s voice got tighter and high-pitched.
My comment/suggestion
Insert his after how

Your text
          Once she cracked Jim’s world cracked. He would feel like s***. She needed him to back off and if he didn’t it felt like her whole world of pain would come down on his shoulders.
My comment/suggestion
Insert a comma after the first cracked and after back off

Your text
         . “Joe is the main guy here,” Jim thought. “I can take him.”
My comment/suggestion
         Remove the quotation marks from the internal dialogue.

Your text
          You were ‘a man on fire. ‘ I would hate to have you pissed at me like that.”
My comment/suggestion
         You were ‘a man on fire. ‘ I would hate to have you pissed at me like that.”
I would rewrite this, as follows: ‘You’re a man on fire. I would hate to have you piss at me like that.”

Your text
          “It wasn’t my choice to come here,” Jim replied. “My mom and my step-father insisted it would be good for me, help me grow up.”
My comment/suggestion
         You can cut down on the tags, especially when we already know who’s talking.          For example, here, remove ,” Jim replied. “

Your text
         . Jim knew that this searing pain was never to be exposed; certainly not with guys he just met.
Still, he heard himself say, “My own mother, my own mother is getting rid of me. She doesn’t want me home.”
My comment/suggestion
         Remove the paragraph, and combine the two sentences. Also, italicize “My own mother, my own mother is getting rid of me. She doesn’t want me home.”
 and remove the quotation marks.

My final comments:
          Very promising. I would like to see the ending defined a little more for me. As is, I see doomsday for Jim. Is that your intent?

I hope this review is helpful to you.

Write on.

Writeartista
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#1159669 by Not Available.

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74
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Review of Fleeting  
Review by writeartista
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
ID #1142667


Review for Katherine76's: REVIEWS FOR CHARITY
Review of: "Fleeting" , written by:mylyndol
Review by: writeartista, a proud member of the WDC Angel Army, and the WDC Rising Stars. *Star* WDC Angel Army Star Reviewer *Star* Author of the Month *Star* Hall of Fame Awardee *Star* Rising Star Superstar.

* * **Heart** * *

Dear Rising Star,

Welcome to my reviewing den!
I am pleased to give you this R&R.


My general impression:
         Sorry it has taken me a while to give you this review. I gifted you five comprehensive reviews, and I want to be sure you receive what you had won by taking my time in evaluating your stories.
         This is promising. I think it needs considerable editing, and I offer you some suggestions for improvements.

My general technical observations
         >>I don't have a visual sense of your characters.
         >>Structure does not flow well.
         >>Had to pause several times to figure out who’s talking.
         >>Unnecessary tags.
         >>Misplaced punctuations before tags.
         >>Confusing at times; needs clarification in certain areas.

Here are some examples:

Your text
         These family meals made him feel uncomfortable and he never liked the conversation flow.
My comment/suggestion
Change him to Butch
Add comma after uncomfortable

Your text
         He just silently hunched his shoulders.
My comment/suggestion
How about: He hunched his shoulders without saying a word.

Your text
          “Oh, well,” she thought, “let me just look at her house. That’ll get my mind off of this.”
My comment/suggestion
         Remove quotation marks from the internal dialogue.

Your text
         They would never know what it took to get there.
My comment/suggestion
Assuming they refers to the family, change there to here

Your text
“Girl, stop messing with him!" her Grandma, said slyly, trying to catch his gaze.
My comment/suggestion
Remove comma after Grandma

Your text
         She could hear her mother talking about her latest fiasco at the hairdresser as she reflected.
My comment/suggestion
         This took me by surprise. Up until this point, which is late in the story, you never said anything about Zuri’s parents also living in that house. You’ve always referred to it as “Grandma’s house.”

Your text
         The living room had The tan linoleum with red speckles adorned the kitchen floor and contained the original room guard which let out creaks whenever you headed for the cookie or candy jar; alarming her that you were sneaking around when you’d been told not to. shelves along the wall with tiny figurines, which were never moved, in silent poses, ever watching.
My comment/suggestion
         Definitely a run-on sentence. Needs considerable editing for punctuaton, flow and clarity.

Your texts
         >>everyday.” she said,
         >>food for nothing.” her grandma said
         >> “I agree, Zuri.” said her mother,
         >>work two jobs “said her mother
         >>without telling me” he said shortly.
         >>so busy.” her mother
         >>I better go.” she said quietly.
My comment/suggestion
         It’s always a comma inside the end quote mark before the tag, as in everyday,” she said

Your text
         Zuri quickly interjected, “Butch, why don’t you tell them how hard its been find something, I mean, like something that is good for you?!”
My comment/suggestion
Change its been find to it's been to find

Your texts
          I try to tell you but…“
          He cut her off…”but what?
My comment/suggestion
          Change to: I try to tell you, but—“
          “But what?” he interrupted.

Your text
          It would be so simple for him to just say; they’d understand
My comment/suggestion
         Remove the semicolon and add a comma after understand

Your text
          and he grandma reached for her hand.

My comment/suggestion
          Change he to her

Your text
          Zuri blindly made her way towards her mother’s chair as she sat with her arms outstretched to waiting to bring comfort.
My comment/suggestion
         You have several sentences like this that sound awkward. I would suggest a revision for better flow and clarity.

My final comments:
          I hope these make sense and that my comments are helpful.

Write on.

Writeartista
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#1159669 by Not Available.

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75
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Review by writeartista
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Dear Katherine,

What an admirable endeavor! You never cease to amaze me with your generosity. More power to you . . . AND COUNT ME IN.

Financially, I already have my own humanitarian project for the benefit of the aboriginal children and other indigenous tribes of the Philippines. I will, however, contribute as much reviewing as possible for your worthwhile project.

Right on! Write on!

writeartista

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