Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/mariapanlilio/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/sort_by_last/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/5
Although I have never written any Haiku poem, I admire them, and those those who do write them. This particular style in your "Rose in Crystal Vase" is composed of only three short lines. However, I'm sure that each word demanded much thought in putting them together.
Lovely. I just don't get the "Tearful petals fall" part.
This is a sad story. I've actually known someone who was a victim of a drive-by shooting.
Keep writing. I wish you luck.
I have these suggestions on how to improve your writing:
I remember December 9th, 2004 like it was yesterday. Only except that it was two years ago.
I would rephrase the above sentence like this: I remember December 9, 2004 like it was only yesterday, except that it was two years ago.
But I couldn't face them not know not even ever. I would always run...........
I would rephrase the above sentences like this: But I couldn't face them; not know. . .not ever. I would always run.
''You guys were good today.'' I commented to my boyfriend--
I would revise the above truncated sentence like this: ''You guys were good today,'' I commented to my boyfriend-- (Replaced the period with a comma)
As team captain of his schools basketball team, Mike had lead his team to an undefeated five game winning streak.
I would revise the above sentence like this: As team captain of his school's basketball team, Mike had led his team to an undefeated five-game winning streak.
I will stop here with my rewrite suggestions, but will make further comments, as follows:
It's better to make translations of foreign words as part of a dialogue, instead of putting them in parentheses.
Run your text through a spell check to avoid too many spelling errors, such as: accheive (correct spelling: achieve).
Separate dialogues with a paragraph return.
Angel Rodriguez, a up and coming poet and writer. an up and coming
Another memorable vignette from your childhood. This is an enjoyable read. I was guessing that whole time what the beast was that Mum vehemently refused to pose with . . . I presume the beast was already stuffed?
This is a great concept/premise for a story, and if anybody can pull it off successfully, I can confidently say that it would be you.
This would serve as a wonderful preface or a preamble to your novella. Life is full of "what ifs." It is the never ending relationship/love question that we ask when we ponder our past, present and future. What if he and I had met before--; What if I had gone to see him when--; What if I had gone to see him when--; What if had said "Yes" when he proposed--; What if--; What if--.
This is an engaging prose/poem that hooked me right from the start. I expected nothing less from you.
The only comment if have is the ending. I'm embarrassed to admit that it is not clear to me if in the end if they met.
I look forward to reading yor novella when it is finished.
Orient Pearl has informed our little ethnic women writers group about your upgraded membership gift to her. That was such a general gesture in your part. I'm sure that Pearl will never forget it.
This collection of vignettes is captivating. My favorite is "Reprise." It was poetic and delicately done. I especially loved the last sentence, "Each withered flower, a brittle tribute to the decades of dying that Miss Havisham leaves behind."
On #2, I wonder if there should be a comma after smile in the following sentence: "The maitre d’ with a nervous half smile, ushered me to the corner table--"
In addition, did you mean cluttered (as in disorganized things), instead of clutterered in the following sentence? "Clutterered with overlapping laughter, gossip, and much verbal genuflecting--"
I like fragmented sentences once in a while, but this one bothered me a little: "Frog-like creatures, these writers, publishers and theater drones."
You are a very talented writer. It's always a pleasure to read you writings.
Write on.
Maria (Write Artista)
Proud member, THE WDC ANGEL ARMY
Congratulations for being featured as one of the "authors of the month." I made a quick visit to your port and clicked on the folder that contains your funny stories for a quick laugh. And you didn't disappoint me. I still wear the smile caused by the punch line of this flash fiction.
Thank you for making me smile on this dreary climate day.
Write on. I look forward to reading more from your port. Now I know where to go for a quick laugh.
You are right, the American Cancer Society is a very fine organization. I've had some dealings with them and like you I found them to be extremely helpful. They go out of their way to assist those who are facing health problems.
Sophia Anderson, the ACS volunteer who called you on the phone upon referral, is an example of the kind of people associated with the ACS. I'm glad you found her, or that she found you, and helped you make decision on the kind of surgical treatment perfect for you,
Wonderful writing. Your story is a very important part of literature here at WDC.
This is a terrific story. I admire Seamus's determination to stay in his homeland and not show weakness to his country's invaders. But there comes a time when one's pride has to be sacrificed for his family's safety. He killed an English soldier in defense of his wife and child, and now he must escape his beloved country and come to America. This is a great beginning to a novel, and a great ending to this chapter. It lures me into reading more to find out what happen to Seamus and his family in their newfound land.
It keeps me wondering, however, how he's going to escape the murder case. Will he be able to leave Ireland after having killed an English soldier? If so, once in America, will he be haunted by that case, both personally and legally?
Technically, you have some cleaning up to do. Some of your sentences are too long; sometimes they don't make sense. I will cite some of these issues below.
This opening sentence is too long: The rain had been falling in minuscule drops since just after dusk, and finally dissipated as dawn broke over the horizon leaving the hills blanketed in a dense fog.
I sugest that you break up your opening sentence in two. For example: "The rain had been falling in tiny drops since just after dusk. It finally dissipated as dawn broke over the horizon, leaving the hills blanketed in a dense fog."
Avoid run-on sentences. You have many of them. For example: "Positioned next to the cradle, the Kelley’s table, there sat a candle, a stone basin filled with water, and two books: the bible and the book of the Kelley line all the way through the ages to Adam. Dead center from the door, the fireplace built of ash-stained stone and shale, just to the left of it laid Séamus and Treasa affectionately in bed."
May I suggest a revision like this: Next to the cradle stood the Kelley’s table. Set on top of it were a candle, a stone basin filled with water, a bible, and the book of the Kelley line. Dead center from the door was the fireplace built of ash-stained stone and shale. And just to the left of it was the bed where Séamus and Treasa lay affectionately.
This sentence sounds awkward and needs clarity:With all of the wonderful stories of success of its inhabitants that appeared to flow continuously from the young nation, but to Séamus these stories seemed to be just that, stories.
May I suggest a revision like this: True, many wonderful stories of success flowed continuously from the young nation, but Séamus considered these to be just that . . .stories.
I encourage you to keep writing. You have a good thing going here. Write on.
This is an enjoyable read. Based on this theory, I visualize a much more energetic landscape of nursing homes in the United States. And I think that's a positive outlook.
A couple of comments:
>>"Did your chewing gum lose it's flavor on the bedpost over night?..."
Comment: Change it's to its
Further comment: I'm not sure about the proper use of the ellipsis here.
>>VCR's or DVD's.
Comment: These are plural nouns; I may be wrong, but I don't think you need the apostrophe before the s. I'll research this and get back with you; but if you're sure, please let me know and provide me the grammar citation.
This is a touching story. I am sure that Ken felt your display and words of compassion for him "as he prepared to pass through death's door."
You must be a very caring and compassionate CNA. God bless you.
I have a few comments about the mechanics of your story, as follows:
>>Ken was an elderly gentleman who was obviously terminal.
My comment: The setting is a Hospice--a place for the dying. To say that Ken "was obviously terminal" is not necessary, in my opinion.
>>(COPD) had taken it's toll on the kindly man,
Comment: Change it's to its
>> The four of us bodylifted him into his bed and made him comfortable.
Comment: Delete body
This is an enjoyable read. I particularly liked the one with Smokey jumping into your husband's lap while sitting on his throne, and curling up for a nap!
On the following, the comma comes before the quotation mark: "Laughter is the Best Medicine", and "Waterboy",
A nice little piece about your memories of a snow-covered wonderland. As I have come to expect from your writing, you always produce a very clean manuscript, virtually free from any mistake. However, I was hoping for a more vivid imagery of winter wonderland, and this did not deliver. Sorry. But I still liked it.
Ahhh, the tales we weave. I would have liked to know Mr. Jordan's reaction to that last fabricated story about the garage. In real life, with my luck, my boss' wife would have an encounter with me at the mall. And there goes my job. Well-written.
Hello there, Judy
RE: "Your West Brookfield, MA - 1660 to 1960"
Reviewed by: writeartista
My general impression:
Just from reading this preamble/intro to your extensive essay on the history ofWest Brookfield, I know that I am going to have an enjoyable time reading it. I've always been fascinated by the Native American culture and history, and I'm sure I will read your essay in its entirety--from chapter 1 through 8, and more.
It sounds like a very ambitious undertaking for a 17-year old girl. I've told you before that I'm a fan of your writing; now I get a chance to read something you wrote 48 years ago! You say that it has a lot of mistakes that we should forgive and ignore. I bet pounding on a manual typewriter keyboard caused some of those mistakes. And NO spell-checker. Goodness. Mistakes or not, I have a feeling that it's still going to be a well-written piece in anybody's standard.
Does the plot interest me?
Definitely. The subject matter is very interesting to me. I love reading these kinds of stories. Do you compare notes and ideas with Sherri Gibson (another favorite of mine) who writes a lot of stories about Native Americans?
My final comment
I'm looking forward to start reading your chapters.
This is great. I heard grandmapenny's voice in the 4-year old girl all excited about her Christmas wishes. And lucky you to get them . . . including the incidental wish of a rocking chair that played music.
The subject of freedom in many ways is a favorite of mine. I loved this poem. You captured the essence of a persecuted culture and . . . "We wept for a dream destroyed." I liked the way you repeated this line at the end of each stanza like a mantra. This is emotional and very well done.
Is your heritage Native American? If so, how much? This folder contains many of your poems about Native Americans, which makes me suspect that you might have some NA blood coursing through your veins.
I am very interested in the NA heritage. I love their unique view of spirituality and health. I grew up interacting with the Philippine indigenous tribes who share a lot of the characteristics, customs, traditions, and other cultural similarities with the Native Americans. I particularly like the fact that their mind and spirit play a critical role in physical illness and healing. Also, my love of nature and concern for the conservation and environmentalism are inspired by the Philippine Indians' and Native Americans' way of life.
In view of the above, I look forward to reading more of your poems about the Native Americans.
Hello there, Rocky Mountain Kid
RE: Your Chapter Three to ANGELICA
A review for: THE WDC ANGEL ARMY
Reviewed by: writeartista
My general impression:
Oh, poor baby! She can't sleep because her daddy scolded her to tears. Just teasing you.
It's very good of you to admit in the end that you couldn't sleep, not just because your dad got so mad at you and Jackson that he raised his voice on you for the first time (how old are you now? 16? I think it's amazing that it's only now that your dad did that), but also because you were missing Angelica very much. I really wish she'd come back soon because I think her being gone without hearing from her is really starting to upset the norm in that household.
Does the plot continue to interest me?
Absolutely. You are starting to think seriously and wonder why Angelica is not calling; why is your dad too proud to inquire about her whereabouts; doesn’t he have her family’s telephone number or address; etc. Most importantly, should you do the calling? After all, Angelica's sisters have called her several times on the land line. Their numbers must be registered on the caller ID, assuming they're saved.
What I would change in this piece:
I can't think of any at this point.
My final thought about this piece:
I continue to be impressed with your writing skill. You intrigue me, and you make me want to know who this Angelica is, and how you've come to admire her so much to write a novel about her.
Hello there, GregRyan.
RE: Your short story: The Painter
A review for: THE WDC ANGEL ARMY
Reviewed by: writeartista
This brief description of your short story: "A story of a painter returning to paint an old church and sparking memories of the past," captured my immediate attention, so here I am.
Fantastic imagery you painted for us to see through the perfection of your words. This is the first story of yours I've read and I am impressed.
I thoroughly enjoyed the description of the painter at work. I was so taken by your story that I researched the historical background of this quaint deconsecrated church, which already existed before Christianity even came to Britain. I also read about its recent history, as well as the St Illtyd village, which is also fascinating.
Thank you for arousing this search for knowledge in me through your story.
Hello there, Rocky Mountain Kid
RE: Your Chapter One of ANGELICA
A review for: THE WDC ANGEL ARMY
Reviewed by: writeartista
My immediate impression:
You continue to amaze me with this novel. How many times have you heard someone say: "I can't believe you're only 16" about your writing? You are truly incredible, and an inspiration not only to kids your age, but to everyone.
Something hit me when I read your opening sentence: "Until I met Angelica, I never knew that there are a hundred ways to make a bed, especially with many decorative pillows and comforters on it."
I have this idea: how about starting every chapter with a short preamble like this: "Until I met Angelica, I never knew . . . ." Think about it. It's just a suggestion. You won't hurt my feelings if you don't do it.
How the writing made me feel:
You continue to captivate my attention. You continue to make me want to know who this Angelica is, and how you've come to admire her so much to write a novel about her.
Did the plot interest me?
Absolutely. I have no idea if you already have a definite plan with respect to your plot, or if you just write what comes to mind every time you sit in front of your computer to write the next chapter. But I continue to enjoy what you give us.
About the believability of the characters:
It's still too early at this point to make that determination, but, I feel connected to the characters.
What I liked most:
The way you ended this chapter, which gives the reader at the kind of relationship with your family. And that's the way it's always been. No definite schedule when she's going to be here. Sometimes, she'd be gone for a month, sometimes a lot longer. And always, I could not wait for her to come back.
What I would change in this piece:
Nothing.
My final thought about this piece:
Write on, Rocky Mountain Kid. Whatever you're doing, continue to do it. You're doing very well.
Hello there, Rocky Mountain Kid
RE: Your Introduction to your novel entitled: ANGELICA
A review for: THE WDC ANGEL ARMY
Reviewed by: writeartista
My immediate impression:
You are headed in the right path to novel writing. You chose a topic that is closest to your heart; something drawn from your own personal experiences, and about someone you know so well, admire, respect, and perhaps, even love. For this reason, your words ring true in my ear.
How the writing made me feel:
Astonished that a 16-year old can write as well as this. I sense a child in your voice, yet I detect a lot of maturity and sensitivity as well. You made me want to know who this Angelica is, and how you've come to admire her so much to write a novel about her.
Did the plot interest me?
Absolutely. The protagonist (Christine)comes from a broken family. Her mother may be somewhat selfish and controlling. The father lost his job, but still pays child support even though there's joint custody of the children. He meets a remarkable woman (Angelica) who banishes his loneliness, but then she mysteriously disappears, or does she? At this point, we don't know. From this short introduction, the author manages to captivates my interest, and I definitely would want to read on.
About the believability of the characters:
It's too early at this point to make that any determination, but, so far, so good.
What I liked most:
It's hard to choose, but this ending really made me want to read more. There is a certain quality of mystery about Angelica, and I want to see the unveiling of that mystery. "It is not unusual for Angelica to be gone for weeks, but she always called everyday. She lives in California. We live in Colorado. I miss her when she's not here with us.
What I would change in this piece:
Nothing. At least, not at this point.
My final thought about this piece:
The author's bioblog indicates that Angelica taught her how to write better; since then, this high school student has been getting A's and B's" in English. Angelica taught her well.
Write on, Rocky Mountain Kid.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/mariapanlilio/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/sort_by_last/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/5
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.25 seconds at 5:34pm on Apr 23, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
Just teasing you.