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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/maris
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Review by Maris Catalan
Rated: E | (4.0)
It's a good story. Here are a couple of ideas I have to edit it a bit. Comedy is tough to write cause everyone has a different idea of what is funny. So these are just my suggestions.

I would cut out a lot of superfluous words. There are several sentences that would read a bit smoother (in my opinion) if they were trimmed a bit. For example...

One fine Sunday afternoon with a Mother-in Law in toe, toting a disposable camera in hand and four young children toddling along, we enter Fishermen’s Wharf for fun in San Francisco.

I would change to something like...

One fine Sunday afternoon, mother-in law in toe, disposable camera in hand and four young children toddling along, we entered Fishermen’s Wharf for fun in San Francisco.

I also changed "enter" to "entered" because the following sentence you wrote in past tense.

Sometimes, I think "less can be more", for example (and this is just me) I think this part would be funnier slimmed down...

Her father was alarmed in a way that amuses me to this day. He started running after that trolley car, shrieking panicky parental profanities at the unaware driver.

Maybe sort of like...

Her father ran in a panic after the trolley, shrieking profanities at the unaware driver.

Hope this was helpful!



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