Turtle ~ KanyáthƐko:wa:h's (marnts) Reviews

Turtle ~ KanyáthƐko:wa:h

Review Requests: ON

327 Public Reviews Given

333 Total Reviews Given

1

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#4734736

Review of Hidden Trail

Review by Turtle ~ Kanyá...

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Review of:

Hello! First off, let me just say that this review is my own opinion. We all see things a bit differently, and we all have our likes and dislikes. Please feel free to incorporate this review into your editing, or ignore it. It is your writing, after all!

First Impression ~

Very relatable, as I was once the outsider scout who was more interested in the why of the traditional skills than I was in the day to day that activities that were done in the name of fun. I also know what it is like to be the outcast scout. Until I got in to working for the Scouts, I was for the most part the outsider and oddball.

What I like ~

The story line, and the use of realistic activities to structure a modern style fable.

Characters ~

Highly believable. I have actually found myself in very similar situations in my youth.

Development ~

Basic, but it plays well based on the short timeline of the story. If you were to look on expanding on this story, I would focus first on character development through example.

Nuts & Bolts ~

There were points in the story where your use of comas caused me to jerk and stop through places, but other than that I saw no major issues.

Ways to improve ~

I am not quite sure. I am far more comfortable with poetry, so I am more used to that form. I noticed there were very few details given throughout the story, so I might look at how you could inject more detail into the story.

Keep Writing!!!

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2

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#4517965

Review of ruwth is writing...

for entry "~ The Traditions of Man ~"

Review by Turtle ~ Kanyá...

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

I like it!

It is always startling when we discover that the truths behind our long held traditions are rooted in situations far removed from the way we once looked at the world.

There are many things that we do, as part of culture, religion, or family, that have become ingrained in who we are, yet are part of a false narrative we tell ourselves to make us feel like we belong to a group. Christmas is one of these false narratives.

It takes courage to identify the falsehood, and even more courage to buck the tradition. I would encourage you to share with us what you learned, and "show" us how people reacted to your knowledge.

Marc

3

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#4293134

Review of Inner Strength Fuels Hope

Review by Turtle ~ Kanyá...

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Review of: "Inner Strength Fuels Hope"

[13+]

Hello! First off, let me just say that this review is my own opinion. We all see things a bit differently, and we all have our likes and dislikes. Please feel free to incorporate this review into your editing, or ignore it. It is your writing, after all!

First Impression ~

I'm not normally one for dark poetry, but this piece caught my eye.

What I like ~

I love your description of struggle, and I think it is reflective of the internal struggles that many of us go through every day. Your poem also fits very well with the image you have chosen to accompany it.

Mechanics ~

There is a BIG debate in modern poetry as to whether or not the first word of each line should be capitalized, with the majority of people deciding that, unless it is the start of a new thought or sentence, these letters should remain lower case. Leaving the letters lower case adds to the readability of the poem, and help with flow. (Just a thought.)

Voice ~

Observational, empathetic.

Tone ~

Dark, with a hope for better times

Mood ~

Reflective of the struggle one would have to fight to overcome insurmountable odds.

Point of View ~

Third person detached.

Structure ~

Freeform.

Pace ~

Quick, with the first lines serving to pull you through to the end of the poem.

Rhythm ~

Varied, but acceptable due to the form. The rhythm could be made tighter by editing for shorter words and pronouns.

Poetic Devices ~

Strong use of alliteration, especially at the start of the poem.

Rhyme ~

None

Imagery ~

Vivid, dark, emotionally painful.

Believability ~

Very high. Great job!

Diction ~

This may just be a personal thing, but I noticed that you have a lot of two and three letter words, along with a number of pronouns. To me, poetry that excels is poetry that truly capitalizes on its word and syllable counts. If I were editing this, I would look specifically at the short words and the pronouns, and try to get rid of as many of them as I could. (Especially the word "to")

Favorite Wording ~

"Changling bound beyond belief;
Captured in a torturous tempest
Of dark deceit."

The alliteration here is what captures your reader. It is very strong, and pulls one through the rest of the piece.

"That swirl and linger"

As far as imagery goes, this is the most evocative line in your poem. It draws to mind a whirling wind, filled with the demons that haunt your protagonist.

Summary ~

A good piece that could be made even stronger with a little bit of effort.

Ways to improve ~

Keep thinking about wording that will give you the strongest jolt of emotion for a limited amount of space. You don't have to get rid of weak words all together, but you should limit the number of them that you use.

Keep Writing!!!

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

4

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14 days may be credited.

#4267526

Review of Winter's End

Review by Turtle ~ Kanyá...

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Review of: "Winter's End"

[E]

Hello! First off, let me just say that this review is my own opinion. We all see things a bit differently, and we all have our likes and dislikes. Please feel free to incorporate this review into your editing, or ignore it. It is your writing, after all!

First Impression ~

This is an interesting short poem about the first inklings of spring.

What I like ~

I like the fact that you focus on a single moment, a brief observation, as opposed to trying to over analyze the moment.

Mechanics ~

No issues here!

Voice ~

First person

Tone ~

Observant, but not to the point of contemplative or scientific. You seem to focus on an instantaneous intuition, which is excellent.

Mood ~

Neutral, with a slight hint of positivity.

Point of View ~

Personal

Structure ~

A brief sextet with no set rhythm that I could note.

Pace ~

Slow, methodical

Rhythm ~

A little bit chopped. Enough to slow you down through the first few readings of it. This is where applying a meter would do the poem the greatest good.

Poetic Devices ~

None beyond the rhyme.

Rhyme ~

a/b/c/c/d/d

Imagery ~

Vivid

Believability ~

High

Diction ~

Appropriate for the subject and audience.

Favorite Wording ~

The last line, "For winter's end is here at dawn." I found to be the best, due to the natural meter within the line. It is also the one line that I feel the poem could not do without, or have replaced.

Summary ~

I hope I do not offend you in this, but I see this as a great starting point to something that has a lot of potential.

Ways to improve ~

I would play with the rhythm of this piece, trying to see if it could benefit from some sort of meter. That would do a lot to fix the rhythm issue. I would not, however, try to make the poem longer, or more descriptive, unless you intend to make this into two poems, one the current length and one more contemplative and descriptive.

Keep Writing!!!

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5

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#3929924

Review of To Thee I Pray

Review by Turtle ~ Kanyá...

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Review of: "To Thee I Pray"

[E]

Hello! First off, let me just say that this review is my own opinion. We all see things a bit differently, and we all have our likes and dislikes. Please feel free to incorporate this review into your editing, or ignore it. It is your writing, after all!

First Impression ~

A beautiful short poem, a beautiful illustration of faith in a higher power.

What I like ~

I love the simplicity and openness of this piece.

Mechanics ~

No issues here.

Voice ~

Meek, humble.

Tone ~

Soft, filled with exhaustion.

Mood ~

Reverent.

Point of View ~

First person

Structure ~

7 unmetered rhyming couplets

Pace ~

Slow, soft.

Rhythm ~

appropriate for the subject and structure.

Poetic Devices ~

used sparingly,

Rhyme ~

Strong, effective use.

Imagery ~

Strong

Believability ~

Extremely high.

Diction ~

Conversational, introspective.

Favorite Wording ~

"Burdens of my heart I bear
I wish not to share"

I think we all carry around these burdens, whether or not anyone else knows or remembers the events that have put them there.

Summary ~

A beautiful prayer, heartfelt and genuine. It is your personal way of communicating with God, and that is something most people do not have. Self awareness is a positive thing, and it shows that you have that connection.

Ways to improve ~

I would love to see more of your communication with God, and a bit more depth into the how and why of the feelings that drove you to write this. The trick would be to expand on those feelings while keeping the base simplicity of the piece.

Keep Writing!!!

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

6

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#3907786

Review of The Light-Keepers Despair

Review by Turtle ~ Kanyá...

Rated: 13+

| (3.0)

Review of: "The Light-Keepers Despair"

[13+]

Hello! First off, let me just say that this review is my own opinion. We all see things a bit differently, and we all have our likes and dislikes. Please feel free to incorporate this review into your editing, or ignore it. It is your writing, after all!

First Impression ~

This is a rather dark piece, told from a point of view detached from both the reader and the subject.

What I like ~

I very much like the subject of this piece, and the message that many in this world are seen as disposable in the search for safety of the masses. It fits in with a lot of what is going on in our world at this point in time.

Mechanics ~

Although it was standard practice at one point, you may wish to go back and remove the capitalizations at the start of each line. Capitalize only according to the rules of standard grammar. This will improve the flow and tone of your piece. You also have two unnecessary commas in your first line.

Voice ~

Detached, unvested.

Tone ~

Dark.

Mood ~

Desperation, desolation.

Point of View ~

Third person detached

Structure ~

Free verse broken into four lined stanzas.

Pace ~

Slow. Lacking a hook, there is little to take you from one stanza to the next.

Rhythm ~

No real rhythmic patter that I could notice.

Poetic Devices ~

Other than imagery, none that I could immediately discern.

Rhyme ~

Unrhymed.

Imagery ~

Flat. You have told us a lot in this piece, but shone us nothing.

Believability ~

High, but with little investment in the situation

Diction ~

Appropriate

Favorite Wording ~

The gulls, the turtles, the albatross
are his only companions now.
They alone will watch him gaze upon the wild sea.

Summary ~

Love the topic, but I was left wanting more by the lack of connection between your subject and the reader.

Ways to improve ~

You have tried to fit a novel’s worth of information into a one page poem. This would work better as an epic poem, one of great length, then as the short piece you have presented here.

I find myself wanting to know more about your light keeper. Why did he take the job? Was he running from something? How has the job changed him over time? How does he interact with his environment, both inside the house and with the elements that batter him on the island?

You have the makings of something glorious here. It just takes a little time.

Keep Writing!!!

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7

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#3864208

Review of Long Ago

Review by Turtle ~ Kanyá...

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (2.5)

Review of: "Long Ago"

[E]

Hello! First off, let me just say that this review is my own opinion. We all see things a bit differently, and we all have our likes and dislikes. Please feel free to incorporate this review into your editing, or ignore it. It is your writing, after all!

First Impression ~

It took me a couple of readings, but I got what you were driving at. I was a bit confused at first, but when it finally hit, I understood what you were going for.

What I like ~

I like the fact that you tried to meld something you know about (Preindustrial England) with a traditional form. That takes a lot of guts, especially with a form that has the demands of a lento.

Mechanics ~

No issue here.

Voice ~

Removed, yet inviting, almost as if it was from the perspective of a carnival barker, or a side show master.

Tone ~

See my comment on Voice

Mood ~

Hustled,

Point of View ~

Second person detatched, almost as if the speaker is a remote tour guide.

Pace ~

Slow in most places, some lines force the reader to trip through them, though (Stanza 1, line 3+4)

Rhythm ~

Choppy, forced

Poetic Devices ~

Consonance,

Rhyme ~

aa,ab,aa,ab bc,bd,bc,bd

Imagery ~

Pre-industrial London, or any big European city, for that matter.

Believability ~

Medium.

Diction ~

This piece is a bit choppy due to the point of view and the terminology used. The use of the word “Gel” in stanza one, line four is uncomfortable. The last line is also awkwardly put together.

Favorite Wording ~

Smell the rotten air, and its flouting mist,

Summary ~

A very quick glimpse into the sights and smells of a city on the verge of rapid growth, at a time when it was experiencing some major changes.

Structure ~

Lento I with starting rhyme.

Ways to improve ~

I would love to see you take this subject and remove it from this form. (I know the form was the assignment, I just feel that your subject and form are miss-matched in this piece.) It seems to me you took a previous piece and forced it into existing in this form.

Keep Writing!!!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

8

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#3862549

Review of Choose Happy

Review by Turtle ~ Kanyá...

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Review of: "Choose Happy"

[E]

Hello! First off, let me just say that this review is my own opinion. We all see things a bit differently, and we all have our likes and dislikes. Please feel free to incorporate this review into your editing, or ignore it. It is your writing, after all!

First Impression ~

Inspirational and uplifting. I get the feeling that it is primarily a physical pain that the speaker is trying to overcome.

What I like ~

The tone you use, and the duality of the two stanzas against one another, while keeping them intertwined.

Mechanics ~

No spelling errors, but the overuse of capitalization and lack of punctuation undermine the flow of the piece. The first word of a line should not be capitalized unless it would naturally be capitalized anyways, and the emphasis you place with capitals midline would be more effectively shown through punctuation and other poetic devices.

Voice ~

Expirienced, knowledgeable of the ways of the world.

Tone ~

Instructive, motherly to a point.

Mood ~

Stanza one is depressed, while stanza two is uplifting. Usually a situation one would try to avoid, but for this piece it works very effectively.

Point of View ~

First person reflective.

Pace ~

Even, plesant

Rhythm ~

In some places forced, but that is a function of the grammar more than the message or the form.

Poetic Devices ~

Rhyme pattern

Rhyme ~

aa-ab-aa-ab bc-bd-bc-bd

Imagery ~

For me, most of the imagery is internal and physical.

Believability ~

High

Diction ~

Some of your words are a stretch for me, but otherwise you have a well written piece here. When writing, you want to make your words flow as if they were part of normal speech. With this form, minor variations in line length are appropriate, so feel free to revise to make it more of a conversational flow.

Favorite Wording ~

Refuse Misery the pleasure it is stealing

Summary ~

This is a well written piece that falters slightly due to ignorance of basic rules.

Structure ~

Lento I – And you kept the first word rhyme! Very nice!

Ways to improve ~

I would revise with a keen eye on following standard grammar rules. Doing so would bring this piece from slightly above the fray to high within the lexicon.

Keep Writing!!!

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

9

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14 days may be credited.

#3862520

Review of Lento Poem

Review by Turtle ~ Kanyá...

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Review of: "Lento Poem"

[E]

Hello! First off, let me just say that this review is my own opinion. We all see things a bit differently, and we all have our likes and dislikes. Please feel free to incorporate this review into your editing, or ignore it. It is your writing, after all!

First Impression ~

A tribute to one’s grandmother, and a remembrance of her through the meme of her garden.

What I like ~

This brought back memories of my summers with my grandmother, and the gardening and landscaping we would do together.

Mechanics ~

No spelling errors, but your piece is devoid of punctuation, and you have capitalized each line. Punctuation and capitalization are very important in a poem, as they greatly enhance the flow of the piece.

Voice ~

Soft, and wistful.

Tone ~

Joyful, yet longing. Perhaps your speaker wishes to return to a simpler time and place.

Mood ~

Melancholy. Wistful.

Point of View ~

First person reflective.

Pace ~

Slow, methodical. Purposeful.

Rhythm ~

Pleasant, almost a soft drifting or rambling (In a good way).

Poetic Devices ~

Rhyme ~

Imagery ~

This piece places you in a garden scape, the plants blurred, your focus on a child and their grandmother working the land.

Believability ~

High, especially for those of us who had grandmothers with heavily green thumbs.

Diction ~

Evocative. Your words get your reader involved in the scene.

Favorite Wording ~

Watching leaves unfurl in springtime
feeding hungry roots below.

Summary ~

Very well put together. Although the poem paints a picture with faded edges, this technique is highly effective for the subject at hand.

Structure ~

Lento III, seven or eight syllables per line

Ways to improve ~

Spending a little more time on the traditional rules of grammar would make this piece really pop off the screen. Review your punctuation and grammar, and I think you will appreciate the difference.

Keep Writing!!!

Yellow Lab Sig

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

10

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#3720003

Review of The First Loser

Review by Turtle ~ Kanyá...

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

Review of:

Hello! First off, let me just say that this review is my own opinion. We all see things a bit differently, and we all have our likes and dislikes. Please feel free to incorporate this review into your editing, or ignore it. It is your writing, after all!

First Impression ~

This is an interesting poem, and sets an interesting picture of what it feels like to be the runner up in the competition for the affections of a loved one.

What I like ~

I love the way you have subtly captured the emotion of being seen but not heard with this piece. It is a position that many of us feel trapped in in our daily lives. I think for many of us the competition is not necessarily a sporting event, but the vessel works perfectly to showcase how playing second fiddle makes you feel.

I love the stanza:

“Have you every stopped to think
I don’t want it that way
This is truly your own selfish game”

I have wanted to say this to people a time or two myself.

The way you end this piece:

“They say in love
You sacrifice for the other
That’s what I’ll keep doing

You see me as second place
And you insist it’s not a bad thing
But in reality
I’m the first loser”

packs an amazing punch. and gives your poem a lot of weight.

Meter/Rhythm/Rhyme ~

Open form, so meter and rhyme have little effect. This piece does, however, have a nice rhythm to it.

Nuts & Bolts ~

See “Ways to improve”

Ways to improve ~

I know that many say that the rules of punctuation and capitalization can be suspended with poetry, but I am firmly of the opinion that these two foundations of our language are fundamental to the intended message of a poem. Their absence can drastically change the way a message is received by the reader. You should also avoid feeling like you need to capitalize every line. this interrupts the natural flow of the piece, and creates a choppy feel.

Keep Writing!!!

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11

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#3719957

Review of Night Cover

Review by Turtle ~ Kanyá...

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Review of: "Night Cover"

[E]

Hello! First off, let me just say that this review is my own opinion. We all see things a bit differently, and we all have our likes and dislikes. Please feel free to incorporate this review into your editing, or ignore it. It is your writing, after all!

First Impression ~

This piece shows that you have a great amount of feeling built up inside of you, a mixture of anger, frustration and exhaustion. If I am not mistaken, you most likely wrote this in a moment when your knuckles were white and your face was red. Totally understandable, as we have all been there before.

What I like ~

I like your flow of emotion, and the way you use the image of dark to foreshadow the loss of your battle, and the upsetting of the peace inside of you that resulted.

I love the near ending lines:

“It becomes a nightmare, a continuing nightmare,
That I’ll never finish what I need to;
That I’ll never know when the end has happened
Because I don’t even know when it began,
When it started.”

I think at times we all struggle with these feelings, especially when we personalize a losing struggle. This is reinforced by the immediately preceding questions:

“Is there any way out?
Is there any way in?”

It is obvious that you harbor a great deal of animosity for your foe:

“In the night they wait and they fester, planning to
Ruin the day, making plans to assault us when
There are so many others things we have to do.
In the night when we could be dealing with them
They seem to hover in a fog below us,
lingering and multiplying, making their plans
to turn our days into chaos, into crazy patterns of disarray!”

I have to wonder exactly what type of foe it is you are battling. Given the timing of your poem, and the passion within it, I have a guess, but it could be a number of things.

Meter/Rhythm/Rhyme ~

No meter or rhyme, and your rhythm is choppy and unsettling, but given the topic of your poem, I think it works well for you in this instance.

Nuts & Bolts ~

No issues here!

Ways to improve ~

One thing I would think of if I were you would be the use of stanzas. Breaking this piece up into multiple chunks of varied line length would make it a bit easier to read. I would also suggest waiting a little while, a month or so, then going back to revise and do some minor work on word choice. Reflection from a distance tends to enhance a piece, and you already have a strong start!

Keep Writing!!!

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12

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#3719713

Review of I Like Trees

Review by Turtle ~ Kanyá...

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Review of: "I Like Trees"

[E]

Hello! First off, let me just say that this review is my own opinion. We all see things a bit differently, and we all have our likes and dislikes. Please feel free to incorporate this review into your editing, or ignore it. It is your writing, after all!

First Impression ~

Interesting list of reasons to like trees.

What I like ~

My two favorite lines come neer the bottom:

"I like trees because they remind me of the frailness of people."

and

"I like trees because they never attempt to be anything but trees."

These are your two most powerful lines. It is unfortunate that you buried them att he way at the end of your piece.

Meter/Rhythm/Rhyme ~

No meter, rhythm or rhyme

Nuts & Bolts ~

A specie is a minted coin. A species is a collection of simmilar life forms.

Ways to improve ~

If I were you, I would look at restructuring this piece. I would limit my use of the phrase "I like trees because". You might want to take each of these statements and turn each one into an expository stanza, showing us why each statement is true for you. The way it is now, this piece feels sterile. Poetry is very much like prose in that power comes in show, not tell.

Keep Writing!!!

Yellow Lab Sig

13

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#3719710

Review of Tear theTemple Walls Down, original

Review by Turtle ~ Kanyá...

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Review of: "Tear theTemple Walls Down, original"

[E]

Hello! First off, let me just say that this review is my own opinion. We all see things a bit differently, and we all have our likes and dislikes. Please feel free to incorporate this review into your editing, or ignore it. It is your writing, after all!

First Impression ~

Very nice! Although based on pagans in Lebanon, this piece could be about any place in the world where those who have practiced in secrecy a long banished religion.

What I like ~

I love the way you have built this piece aroung a primary refrain that reverses its meaning half way through the piece. This is a very nice effect, and helps to tie the entire poem together. There are so many lines here that stick out with power, including:

"Deface, disgrace, erase, defeat!
Force the Gods into Eternal sleep."

"Today they claim their sacrament,
Tomorrow they shall die."

and

"Dance beneath the Tyrant’s gaze,
Your purpose bold yet grave."

Very well done!

Meter/Rhythm/Rhyme ~

Seven quatrains lead off by a morphing refrain. The first word of the second line of each quatrain is also repeated.

Nuts & Bolts ~

No issues here!

Ways to improve ~

Keep Writing!!!

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14

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#3715603

Review of Where I'm From

Review by Turtle ~ Kanyá...

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Review of:

Hello! First off, let me just say that this review is my own opinion. We all see things a bit differently, and we all have our likes and dislikes. Please feel free to incorporate this review into your editing, or ignore it. It is your writing, after all!

First Impression ~

Wow!

It is pieces like this that make free form poetry a real poetic structure, and not just a random collection of words! Very nicely done!

What I like ~

This piece has an elemental honesty to it, a level of personal ownership that is rare in today’s world. I get the feeling that, even though you would not trade where you are now, if given the chance to bring your current family into the world of your upbringing, you would do so in a heartbeat, and without hesitation or afterthought.

I love the first two lines of the first stanza:

“I'm from growing potatoes and corn, and snapping green beans, and canning beets,
and brothers who hunted squirrels and coons and turtles.”

As someone who grew up in a city and then decided to move out to the country, these lines speak volumes to me. Some of the other activities you mention, such as:

“I'm from building forts and swinging from vines deep in the woods,
and catching crawdads, and fishing.
I'm from long nights spent playing monopoly with friends,
and working puzzles with my mother,

are activities that I rarely got the chance to partake in growing up, but that I now partake in with my own children on a regular basis.

I had never heard of euchre. Your poem made me look up the rules.

I love the way you wrap this piece up, hinting that your life has moved in a new direction and alluding to where you are now. It is just enough of a peak to give us the concept that the world you grew up in to some extent no longer exists, while the brevity shows just how important that former world is to who you are today.

Meter/Rhythm/Rhyme ~

Structured free form. Very tight in its grouping of concepts, leading to an allusion to a series of photographs in an album. Each stanza paints its own vivid picture of who you are, and where you have been in life.

Nuts & Bolts ~

No issues here!

Ways to improve ~

It would be difficult to make suggestions on a piece like this.

Keep Writing!!!

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15

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#3714939

Review of A Magic Lamp

Review by Turtle ~ Kanyá...

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Review of: "A Magic Lamp"

[E]

Hello! First off, let me just say that this review is my own opinion. We all see things a bit differently, and we all have our likes and dislikes. Please feel free to incorporate this review into your editing, or ignore it. It is your writing, after all!

First Impression ~

Very nice!

What I like ~

I love the undercurrent of inspiration built within this piece. You have here a wonderful picture of a single act changing the world you have built. I love the tension between the firs stanza:

"Each sinew tensed courageously in might
This fortitude enables one to dare
With outstretched hands to strike a spark to light
A lamp within the darkness of despair."

and the last:

"And in this garden many seek to camp
To see the man who said, "I'll light a lamp.""

Meter/Rhythm/Rhyme ~

A very solid example of a Shakespearean Sonnet. Rhythm and meter are solid, and all of your rhymes are crisp.

Nuts & Bolts ~

I think this piece, if anything, could use a bit more punctuation, especially when it comes to making clear brakes in your enjambments. I in particular would love to see comma at the end of the first and third lines, and a dash at the end of the second line:

"Each sinew tensed courageously in might(,)
This fortitude enables one to dare(-)
With outstretched hands to strike a spark to light(s)
A lamp within the darkness of despair."

I think this gives the reading of the piece a more crisp break, and adds power to your words. I am of a camp that believes that punctuation should be used, at times liberally, in poems. Especially if it is used to strengthen emotion.

Ways to improve ~

Keep Writing!!!

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#3705827

Review of The Forever Gift

Review by Turtle ~ Kanyá...

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Review of: "The Forever Gift"

[E]

Hello! First off, let me just say that this review is my own opinion. We all see things a bit differently, and we all have our likes and dislikes. Please feel free to incorporate this review into your editing, or ignore it. It is your writing, after all!

First Impression ~

This is a very moving piece about a young service man (given the use of the word "ashore", I would guess navy) and his girlfriend, and the compeeting desire to both serve his country and be with his love on Christmas day.

What I like ~

First off, I love the subject of this piece, and the resolution to the story it tells. The letter:

“This ring is just a pact,
a symbol in abstract,
of the love that it implies.
With you, I am complete
and distance can’t defeat
a true love that never dies.”

is very touching, and it gives the impression that this is a relationship that goes very deep. As a military brat, I know how difficult military relationships can be, and this touched a chord with me that way.

I think you hit the emotion of contact perfectly with the lines:

Her worries disappeared,
like the skies had cleared.
At last, the sun had found her.

And show the length he is willing to go to in order to arrange the delivery of a package to his loved one on Christmas morning.

Meter/Rhythm/Rhyme ~

This is a Balassi Stanza poem of four stanzas, following both the meter and rhyme scheme characteristic of the form. I appreciated the long rhyme of the three seven meter feet in the fourth stanza.

Nuts & Bolts ~

No issues here.

Ways to improve ~

None that I could find. Once again, I am in awe of your tallent.

Keep Writing!!!

This review placed on behalf of Bonnie

, as part of a package won in the PDG spring auction.

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#3701562

Review of Remember You

Review by Turtle ~ Kanyá...

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

Dear Matt

I am reviewing "Remember You"

For the Rockin Gift Station

Hello! First off, let me just say that this review is my own opinion. We all see things a bit differently, and we all have our likes and dislikes. Please feel free to incorporate this review into your editing, or ignore it. It is your writing, after all!

First Impression ~

WOW! This is an amazing piece of poetry!

What I like ~

The immagery in this is amazing, and sets the reader up to envision a world where the world is reduced to the reader and their loved one, and the small amount of space inbetween.

Nuts and Bolts ~

Two octaves followed by a couplet. Octives scheme abcbdedfe, couplet scheme aa

Ways to improve ~

Keep Writing!!!

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#3640598

Review of What is Asperger's?

Review by Turtle ~ Kanyá...

Rated: E

| (4.5)

I stumbled onto this while wondering if there was a group for Asperger's members here at WDC. Thank you for putting this up!

Marc

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#3634468

Review of NON EXISTENT LOVE

Review by Turtle ~ Kanyá...

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Review of: "NON EXISTENT LOVE"

[E]

Hello! First off, let me just say that this review is my own opinion. We all see things a bit differently, and we all have our likes and dislikes. Please feel free to incorporate this review into your editing, or ignore it. It is your writing, after all!

First Impression ~

I get the feeling that you see yourself almost as a single fish in a small fish bowl. I get the impression that you are isolated in your community, based on how you view the community around you.

What I like ~

I like the innocence in this piece, and the simplicity with which you communicate your message.

I love the slight refrain -

"In this vast country
In this small town,"

that ties the poem together.

Nuts & Bolts ~

The second to last line reads:

"LOVE in humanit's heart"

I think you mean:

"LOVE in humanity's heart"

Ways to improve ~

After reading this piece, I find myself wanting to know more about you and the environment you find yourself in. What separates you from the people you live amoungst? Why do you feel that they have lost their connection to the emotion of love?

Keep Writing!!!

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#3557754

Review of Motherhood

Review by Turtle ~ Kanyá...

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

Review of: Motherhood

Hello! First off, let me just say that this review is my own opinion. We all see things a bit differently, and we all have our likes and dislikes. Please feel free to incorporate this review into your editing, or ignore it. It is your writing, after all!

Contest ~

Deep Thoughts - "Te"

First Impression ~

Amazing!

What I like ~

You have captured, in the form of a fitting portrait, the emotions of many parents within this piece. I remember nights like this in my own house.

Followed the Prompt ~

Yes

Followed the Requirements ~

Yes

Nuts & Bolts ~

No issues here!

Ways to improve ~

Keep Writing!!!

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#3552446

Review of Alone In Silence

Review by Turtle ~ Kanyá...

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Dear

I am reviewing "Invalid Item"

For the Rockin Gift Station

Hello! First off, let me just say that this review is my own opinion. We all see things a bit differently, and we all have our likes and dislikes. Please feel free to incorporate this review into your editing, or ignore it. It is your writing, after all!

First Impression ~

You have a lovely sentiment here, and I can relate to the overwhelming sense of introvertedness within this piece.

What I like ~

I like the immage of one being trapped in an enclosed, shrinking space. I especially like the second stanza:

Unforgettable passion
A trait that used to be
Now closed off forever
Drowning in the sea

This conveys a lot of emotion, and is highly effective.

Ways to improve ~

I know what thay say about poetry not needing punctuation, but in reality, punctuation is a big componant in the flow of a piece. On the same token, having every line start with a capital letter also impeeds flow. The first thing I would do, to add strength to this piece, would be to address these two issues.

Keep Writing!!!

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#3531281

Review of TO NOT KNOW KNOWLEDGE

Review by Turtle ~ Kanyá...

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Review of: To not know Knowledge

Hello! First off, let me just say that this review is my own opinion. We all see things a bit differently, and we all have our likes and dislikes. Please feel free to incorporate this review into your editing, or ignore it. It is your writing, after all!

Contest ~

Deep Thoughts ~ Wabi Sabi

First Impression ~

Very thoughtful.

What I like ~

I like the fact that you have placed yourself in the hands of God, asking him to provide you with the strength to be the best you possible. I especially like the stanza:

"In their ignorance
The beasts are more than content.
In their ignorance
They have found loyalty.
They have found love."

Followed the Prompt ~

Close enough to count.

Followed the Requirements ~

Yes

Nuts & Bolts ~

No issues here!

Ways to improve ~

Keep Writing!!!

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#3530666

Review of My Generation

Review by Turtle ~ Kanyá...

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: ASR

| (3.5)

Review of: My Generation

Hello! First off, let me just say that this review is my own opinion. We all see things a bit differently, and we all have our likes and dislikes. Please feel free to incorporate this review into your editing, or ignore it. It is your writing, after all!

Contest ~

Deep Thoughts

First Impression ~

This is good, but it did not follow the prompt.

What I like ~

I like the way you call both sides of what you see. This is especially evident when you say:

"You can cal my generation a bunch of idiots after all it's partly true.
We also have our thinkers and our fighters too."

Followed the Prompt ~

No

Followed the Requirements ~

Yes

Nuts & Bolts ~

No issues here!

Ways to improve ~

Please try again, next time following the prompt.

Keep Writing!!!

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#3529626

Review of "Reign of Idle" - Deep Thought Entry

Review by Turtle ~ Kanyá...

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Review of:

Hello! First off, let me just say that this review is my own opinion. We all see things a bit differently, and we all have our likes and dislikes. Please feel free to incorporate this review into your editing, or ignore it. It is your writing, after all!

Contest ~

Deep Thoughts - Wabi Sabi

First Impression ~

WOW! What an elegant statement, and wonderfully observant piece

What I like ~

Your powers of observation are very poetic. I love the way you contrast your skills as an engineer to the engineering skils of nature. I especially like the passage:

What seemly represents an imperfection is a calculated and precise branching of leaves to collect more solar energy. Each twist makes the tree stand stronger, or is repaired damage from a strike. Every leaf created exactly where the tree needs it. All parts a purpose, all choices mandatory

This shows a deep understanding and admiration for the world around you.

Followed the Prompt ~

Definitely!

Followed the Requirements ~

Yes

Nuts & Bolts ~

No issues here!

Ways to improve ~

No sugestions here!

Keep Writing!!!

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#3529614

Review of Lie

Review by Turtle ~ Kanyá...

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Review of: Lie

Hello! First off, let me just say that this review is my own opinion. We all see things a bit differently, and we all have our likes and dislikes. Please feel free to incorporate this review into your editing, or ignore it. It is your writing, after all!

Contest ~

Deep Thoughts - Wabi Sabi

First Impression ~

Perplexed, in relation to the prompt. Inquisitive, as to what is there.

What I like ~

I like the simplicity of this piece, and question it raises.

Followed the Prompt ~

As far as I can tell, no.

Followed the Requirements ~

Yes

Nuts & Bolts ~

None here!

Ways to improve ~

This was a nice piece, but I was unable to see how it connected to the prompt.

Keep Writing!!!

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