|Review of: "Long Ago" [E]
Hello! First off, let me just say that this review is my own opinion. We all see things a bit differently, and we all have our likes and dislikes. Please feel free to incorporate this review into your editing, or ignore it. It is your writing, after all!
First Impression ~
It took me a couple of readings, but I got what you were driving at. I was a bit confused at first, but when it finally hit, I understood what you were going for.
What I like ~
I like the fact that you tried to meld something you know about (Preindustrial England) with a traditional form. That takes a lot of guts, especially with a form that has the demands of a lento.
No issue here.
Removed, yet inviting, almost as if it was from the perspective of a carnival barker, or a side show master.
See my comment on Voice
Point of View ~
Second person detatched, almost as if the speaker is a remote tour guide.
Slow in most places, some lines force the reader to trip through them, though (Stanza 1, line 3+4)
Poetic Devices ~
Pre-industrial London, or any big European city, for that matter.
This piece is a bit choppy due to the point of view and the terminology used. The use of the word “Gel” in stanza one, line four is uncomfortable. The last line is also awkwardly put together.
Favorite Wording ~
Smell the rotten air, and its flouting mist,
A very quick glimpse into the sights and smells of a city on the verge of rapid growth, at a time when it was experiencing some major changes.
Lento I with starting rhyme.
Ways to improve ~
I would love to see you take this subject and remove it from this form. (I know the form was the assignment, I just feel that your subject and form are miss-matched in this piece.) It seems to me you took a previous piece and forced it into existing in this form.