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26
26
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Dear Silentokami

I am reviewing {item: 1762018} For the Rockin Gift Station

Hello! First off, let me just say that this review is my own opinion. We all see things a bit differently, and we all have our likes and dislikes. Please feel free to incorporate this review into your editing, or ignore it. It is your writing, after all!

*Pencil*First Impression ~

I think you have a piece with wonderful potential here, but I am hesitant about the way you have it set up.

*Pencil*What I like ~

I love the message that you are trying to get across with this piece. I like the juxtaposition of finding a spot where you think you will find great beauty, only to find that you are trapped in a place of little hope, yet hope is there.

I love the lines:

“When all sides are surrounded high
By the ever reaching stone fingers
Dyed blue from their melancholy”

These three lines are very descriptive, and have a real warmth to them,

*Pencil*Ways to improve ~

Punctuation. You have twenty nine lines of verse here, and the only punctuation is two commas and an apostrophe. I know and have heard all the theories about the lack of need for punctuation in modern poetry, but I can not say that I agree with any of them. The way this piece is set up now, it reads like you are in a motor boat going over Niagara Falls. There is no break, nothing to slow the pace and give the reader a chance to stop and process what they have in front of them.

Along with punctuation, I would not capitalize the beginning of a line unless it truly was the beginning of a new sentence. This too would help mediate the pace of this piece, and give your reader a sense of connection between your lines.

Keep Writing!!!


Yellow Lab Sig



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27
27
Review of Beggar's Sermon  
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Review of:

Hello! First off, let me just say that this review is my own opinion. We all see things a bit differently, and we all have our likes and dislikes. Please feel free to incorporate this review into your editing, or ignore it. It is your writing, after all!

*Pencil*First Impression ~

This is a wonderful piece, and causes the reader to stop and think about the roles we all play in life. It is true that the deepest wisdoms are found in the most unassuming places, and you have found a beautiful way of conveying that with this piece.

*Pencil*What I like ~

I love the way you have set this up, as a passive observer to the events of the world around you. Your mastery of time and place, as well as the interactions you describe between the beggar man and the youth are very powerful. I especially like the passage:

“Grace is when God gives us what we don’t deserve…salvation.
Mercy is when the Lord doesn’t give us what we do…damnation.”

This is a wonderful illustration of the power of language.

*Pencil*Nuts & Bolts ~

No issues here!

*Pencil*Ways to improve ~

I would be foolish to try to attempt to improve upon this!

Keep Writing!!!




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28
28
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: ASR | N/A (Review only item.)
Dear Pat,

I am reviewing "Shadows of Darkness For the Rockin Gift Station

Hello! First off, let me just say that this review is my own opinion. We all see things a bit differently, and we all have our likes and dislikes. Please feel free to incorporate this review into your editing, or ignore it. It is your writing, after all!

*Pencil*First Impression ~

Wow! This is an amazingly dark, stark look into the eyes of the person beside you.

*Pencil*What I like ~

I love the way you have created your character, sunny on the outside, dark and painful on the inside.

“Though my painted smile
greets you each morning,
I weep tears of loneliness.”

This dichotomy sets us up to question whether anyone around us is truly who and what they seem to be. This dark view of human nature may be closer to the mark with many of the people around us than we are willing to admit. I am sure there have been times that we have all witnessed the “ominous shadows of darkness” emerging from people we know, while others have missed it. At the same time, I am sure there are times we have ignored it in loved ones, where it has been obvious to others around us.

*Pencil*Ways to improve ~

This would be hard for me to improve upon. Very well done!

Keep Writing!!!



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29
29
Review of Fire  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Review of:
 Fire  (13+)
After a hard day at school and home, Lucas turns to what he feels is his only friend.
#1771392 by kalla19


Hello! First off, let me just say that this review is my own opinion. We all see things a bit differently, and we all have our likes and dislikes. Please feel free to incorporate this review into your editing, or ignore it. It is your writing, after all!

*Pencil*First Impression ~

I like this. I think you have the groundwork for great storytelling here.

*Pencil*What I like ~

I like the humanity of your main character, and the depth of struggle that you show him going through. I like the transition you go through with the concept of fire, introducing it as a destructive element, and an instrument of torture, and then turning it into a therapeutic force. This is highly effective.

*Pencil*Characters ~

Lucas is very well developed, and supporting characters are given enough live to make them highly life-like.

*Pencil*Development ~

Your story is very well developed, and a great possible introduction to something greater.

*Pencil*Nuts & Bolts ~

While reading this, I spotted more than a few places that had spelling, word choice and punctuation issues.

*Pencil*Ways to improve ~

Spend some time looking at the ways in which you say things. Would a schoolyard bully really say “hold it still”? Try putting yourself in the position of your characters and see and speak from their point of view. Doing this will give your work a more authentic feel.

Also, a little more interaction would make this story really pop. You may want to look at increasing dialogue, and showing your characters more by describing the way they look, as opposed to just telling us what is going on.

Lastly, put aside a few moments to read this out loud to yourself. How does it sound to you? Reading out loud is probably one of the best ways to edit a piece.

Keep Writing!!!



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30
30
Review of Charley's Story  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Dear tYpO/T.Boilerman

I am reviewing "Charley's Story For the Rockin Gift Station

Hello! First off, let me just say that this review is my own opinion. We all see things a bit differently, and we all have our likes and dislikes. Please feel free to incorporate this review into your editing, or ignore it. It is your writing, after all!

*Pencil*First Impression ~

WOW! This piece really set me up, and kept me riveted to the last word!

*Pencil*What I like ~

What is there not to like! I love the way you developed Charley's persona, giving him an amazingly real feel. I could almost feel myself following him around, becoming part of his day!

I think it is wonderful that you have put a human face on a segment of our population that we often look past without seeing. Charley's humanity especially shines through the passage:

"Charley put his hand on Mack’s shoulder and knelt beside him. They sat there together most of the morning. Traffic passed, people walked by, Mack and Charley just sat there, being together with dog. Mack sobbed occasionally, Charley hugged Mack to comfort him."

Very well done!

*Pencil*Characters ~

Very well developed, coming to life through their actions. They actually appear to you, as Gabriel appears to Emma, and become part of your world.

*Pencil*Development ~

Well developed. Visually creates a realistic "Day-in-the-life" of the characters.

*Pencil*Nuts & Bolts ~

Some minor issues with punctuation. See my last email.

*Pencil*Ways to improve ~

I have nothing here.

Keep Writing!!!



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31
31
Review of Beltane  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Dear Alexandra Jones

I am reviewing "Beltane For the Rockin Gift Station

Hello! First off, let me just say that this review is my own opinion. We all see things a bit differently, and we all have our likes and dislikes. Please feel free to incorporate this review into your editing, or ignore it. It is your writing, after all!

*Pencil*First Impression ~

I really like this piece!

*Pencil*What I like ~

This piece is a great work, and shows true talent. Reading this piece, you truly get within the mind of Kieran, and can relate to the dueling pulls of his duty to his community and his desire to experience the outside world.

You have made this world very vivid for your reader, such that even if you have never been to a place like the one described in the passage, you can still picture the location, the people, and the atmosphere.

*Pencil*Characters ~

Very vivid, and developed enough that you get the sense that you are part of the story. Kieran and Janelle seem like they could be the kids next door.

*Pencil*Development ~

Very well developed, extremely believable story line.

*Pencil*Nuts & Bolts ~

No issues here!

*Pencil*Ways to improve ~

None!

Keep Writing!!!




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32
32
Review of Reunion  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Dear The Huntress ~ Finding Love

I am reviewing "Reunion For the Rockin Gift Station

Hello! First off, let me just say that this review is my own opinion. We all see things a bit differently, and we all have our likes and dislikes. Please feel free to incorporate this review into your editing, or ignore it. It is your writing, after all!

*Pencil*First Impression ~

This is a very powerful piece, and I enjoyed reading it very much!

*Pencil*What I like ~

I love the imagery that you use, the sence of great distance that you have built with your words, as if to open a great chasum between you and the object of your attentions. I love the fact that the subject of this piece is vague, yet on a level that allows the reader to connect in some way to their own life. (I personally envisioned an alternate world, almost as if in a dream.)

Your second stanza is very powerful, and I especially like the lines:

"But greatest beauty lies in the rebirth,
in the death, of shadows"

and

"that though forgotten cannot be lost"

This sets up an eternal bridge between the reader and the world they seek to be part of.

*Pencil*Ways to improve ~

I can find little to suggest here, other than that you might concider some way to set apart the word "Separate" in the last line, emphasising the power of this word. (Possibly with a tilde, but that would be up to you.)

Keep Writing!!!



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33
33
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Review of: Then the Well Went Dry

Hello! First off, let me just say that this review is my own opinion. We all see things a bit differently, and we all have our likes and dislikes. Please feel free to incorporate this review into your editing, or ignore it. It is your writing, after all!

*Pencil*First Impression ~

I really like this poem, and the message it holds for the reader!

*Pencil*What I like ~

I love the optimism within this piece. Often, when things go wrong, we tend to focus on the negative in life. This piece reminds us that there is much to be thankful for, even at the darkest times, and that life does indeed happen around us, useually without our asking or imput.

*Pencil*Meter/Rhythm/Rhyme ~

I really like the way you have your stanzas put together in this piece.

*Pencil*Nuts & Bolts ~

No issues here!


Keep Writing!!!



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34
34
Review of The Girl  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Review of: The Girl

Hello! First off, let me just say that this review is my own opinion. We all see things a bit differently, and we all have our likes and dislikes. Please feel free to incorporate this review into your editing, or ignore it. It is your writing, after all!

*Pencil*First Impression ~

I really liked this!

*Pencil*What I like ~

I like the level of suspense you have created here, the way you describe the girl in such a way that we can almost see her, yet much of the detail is left up to our own imagination.

*Pencil*Meter/Rhythm/Rhyme ~

It felt as if an attempt was made at a rhyme structure, but that attempt fell apart. It is not a bad thing, and does not detract from the overall piece, but it does cause me to go back and reread in a few spots

*Pencil*Nuts & Bolts ~

No issues here!

*Pencil*Ways to improve ~

It might be good to keep an eye on your rhyme scheme. Bouncing back and forth between patterns can be distracting to a reader. I'm not saying that you should change the pattern that you have here, but it is something to consider in the future.

Keep Writing!!!



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35
35
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Review of: Yellowstone Winter

Hello! First off, let me just say that this review is my own opinion. We all see things a bit differently, and we all have our likes and dislikes. Please feel free to incorporate this review into your editing, or ignore it. It is your writing, after all!

*Pencil*First Impression ~

This is a very interesting, and yes, very dry, poem. It also made me laugh.

*Pencil*What I like ~

I like your optimism, and your sense of humor.

*Pencil*Meter/Rhythm/Rhyme ~

Your poem fills out the reqierments of your form.

*Pencil*Nuts & Bolts ~

No issues here!

*Pencil*Ways to improve ~

I'm not sure there is much room to improve on this piece, given the constraints of the poem. Just remember that a Haiku is supposed to be an unfinished form that begs the reader to finish it on their own. This seems to wrap itself up.

Keep Writing!!!



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36
36
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Review of: Captain Banana Peel

Hello! First off, let me just say that this review is my own opinion. We all see things a bit differently, and we all have our likes and dislikes. Please feel free to incorporate this review into your editing, or ignore it. It is your writing, after all!

*Pencil*First Impression ~

This is great! Very good for a laugh!

*Pencil*What I like ~

I love your sense of humor, especially as it comes through your last two lines:

So if you call, don't do it now;
I broke my pinky nail somehow.

This paradox, and the way your "Super Hero" fights crime, are a riot! I like the way you refer to them as "Creepey guys" as opposed to bad guys or villains. It gives a picture of someone who is at best mediocre at saving the world.

*Pencil*Meter/Rhythm/Rhyme ~

Your use of meter and your rhyming scheme help to build this piece well, and help to tie it all together.

*Pencil*Nuts & Bolts ~

No issues here!

*Pencil*Ways to improve ~

It may just be me, but I would love to know how Captain Banana Peeel would tie up his opponents. With Banana String rope, perhaps?

Keep Writing!!!



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37
37
Review of The Coffee Mug  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Review of: The Coffee Mug

Hello! First off, let me just say that this review is my own opinion. We all see things a bit differently, and we all have our likes and dislikes. Please feel free to incorporate this review into your editing, or ignore it. It is your writing, after all!

*Pencil*First Impression ~
I love this! As the father of a very artistic little one, this hit home, and it played very well

*Pencil*What I like ~
I like the way this piece turns. You have us almost convinced that you are upset that you did not get the mug you were expecting, only to show us that in the end you got a better one.

I especially like the comparison lines:

"A simple gesture
A mere token"

and

"A simple gesture
But no mere token"

These lines show just how important this gift is to you. I also love your last line:

"Her tiny had guides me to the back yard to play."

After all, this is what having children is all about.


Keep Writing!!!



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38
38
Review of Solider's Hands  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Review of: Solider's Hands

Hello! First off, let me just say that this review is my own opinion. We all see things a bit differently, and we all have our likes and dislikes. Please feel free to incorporate this review into your editing, or ignore it. It is your writing, after all!

*Pencil*First Impression ~
Wow! This is a very heartfelt piece, and one that many peole should read. Many times we see pictures of soliders in the news, and I think a lot of Americans forget that these men and women have lives very much like our own. Pieces like this bring that home.

*Pencil*What I like ~
I like the fact that this man goes through a transformation with his life, a growth from the softness and comfort of his youth to the scarred and battered shape of his current situation, and this is all metered out in the condition of his hands. I particularly love the passage:

"His hands are stained and non stained with His own blood. His hands have blister's, that haven't popped and that have popped, oozing pus and blood out of them. The wraps that we're once on His hand are covered in raw and dead flesh."

This shows the depth of detail in your writing, as well as the harsh realities of life as some of us know it.

*Pencil*Nuts & Bolts ~
Form of the verb to be are sometimes very tricky. For instance, in the following sentance from your piece:

"That last year was His happiest He has ever been, just spending the time and being with one another was good enough for him."

Although in some similar sentances the word "has" would be ok, here you might want to think about revising to "had"

*Pencil*Ways to improve ~
As far as improvements go, I will refer you again to watching the forms of the verb "to be". This has a tendancy to be a very passive verb, and can be tricky in deciding on a form to use.

Keep Writing!!!



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39
39
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Review of:

Hello! First off, let me just say that this review is my own opinion. We all see things a bit differently, and we all have our likes and dislikes. Please feel free to incorporate this review into your editing, or ignore it. It is your writing, after all!

*Pencil*First Impression ~
This is a nice little poem, and it shows that you are developing the skills to be a very talented poet.

*Pencil*What I like ~
I like that this is a piece about real life. I know that I am one to often get lost in music, almost to the point where I loose track of the world around me. You have captured that here, and it is wonderful that you write about real life!

*Pencil*Nuts & Bolts ~
In the last line, you have forgotten the "e" in I've. You may want to replace your ellipsis (...) with comas.

*Pencil*Ways to improve ~
I would advise you to keep track of your spelling and punctuation. Given your age and approximate grade level (I'm guessing 10th grade) I can reassure you that this will come.

Keep Writing!!!



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40
40
Review of Dream  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Review of: Dream

Hello! First off, let me just say that this review is my own opinion. We all see things a bit differently, and we all have our likes and dislikes. Please feel free to incorporate this review into your editing, or ignore it. It is your writing, after all!

First Impression - This is nice.

What I like - I like the way you have used the concept of the dream to place a picture frame around your relationship. I also like the progression you move through with this piece.

Meter/Rhythm - Iambic - alternating 4 and 3 feet per line (Hymnal Measure) - The meter is a large part of what holds this piece together. I am not sure you could put together a similar piece with a diffrent meter without loosing something. Knowing how to use metrics and applying them is a great skill.

Rhyme - (abab) - Again, this element helps you to firm up and support the poem.

Nuts & Bolts - No issues here

Ways to improve -

Keep Writing!!!



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41
41
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Review of: Thanksgiving Grace

Hello! First off, let me just say that this review is my own opinion. We all see things a bit differently, and we all have our likes and dislikes. Please feel free to incorporate this review into your editing, or ignore it. It is your writing, after all!

First Impression - WOW!!!

What I like - I was drawn by the title, and found this to be nothing like what I expected!

This poem contains a wonderful heartwarming story, and reminds you to be thankful for your health. It is very obvious that you live and are highly attached to your daughter, and it comes beautifully blossoming out of this piece.

I like the fact that you have included the doctor's diagnosis, and then proceed to celibrate in your defiance of the odds. I love the message that you have within the last two lines of this piece.

One more thing. Although you have not described your thanksgiving table, you have truly placed us emotionally there, and that is a true gift.

Meter/Rhythm - Open

Rhyme - Open

Nuts & Bolts - No issues here!

Ways to improve - I would not begin to try!

Keep Writing!!!



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42
42
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Review of: Though None Go With Him

Hello! First off, let me just say that this review is my own opinion. We all see things a bit differently, and we all have our likes and dislikes. Please feel free to incorporate this review into your editing, or ignore it. It is your writing, after all!

First Impression - This is a great piece!

What I like - This speaks well of the curent state of religion in our world, and especially our nation, at the current time. It has always seemed that at times when we need Him the most, we seem to turn our backs. And you are right, he is still there. I especially like the last two lines of the second stanza. They ring true of many who claim to be "Devout" in todays world.

Meter/Rhythm - Open

Rhyme - Open

Nuts & Bolts - No issues here!

Ways to improve - No recomendations here!

Keep Writing!!!



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43
43
Review of Orion's Keep  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Review of: Orion's Keep

Hello! First off, let me just say that this review is my own opinion. We all see things a bit differently, and we all have our likes and dislikes. Please feel free to incorporate this review into your editing, or ignore it. It is your writing, after all!

First Impression - WOW!!!

What I like - This is a very powerful and prophetic piece, and speaks loudly to the condition of the world today. I like the fact that you have used a historica context for a subject that is very modern, and a mindset in our society that seems to grow ever more present in our world today.I love the connection with the Orion constilation, and the comparison to the miner as a hunter with the gold as his quarry.

Meter/Rhythm - Open Meter

Rhyme - (aabb)x11

Nuts & Bolts - No issues here!

Ways to improve - No sugestions here.

Keep Writing!!!



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44
44
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Review of: Why Throw a Funeral?

Hello! First off, let me just say that this review is my own opinion. We all see things a bit differently, and we all have our likes and dislikes. Please feel free to incorporate this review into your editing, or ignore it. It is your writing, after all!

First Impression - I like this piece.

What I like - I like the way you have played with spaceing, and the way you approache your subject, almost questioning or searching for answers to such a commonplace occurance in life.

Meter/Rhythm - Open

Rhyme - Open

Nuts & Bolts - No issues here!

Ways to improve - My only suggestion would be with formatting. With a poem where the breaks are so important, like this one, I would avoid placing a return between each line, tightening up the look of the poem, and making the spacing all the more powerful.

Keep Writing!!!



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#1510308 by Not Available.
45
45
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Review of: You Reap What You Sow

Hello! First off, let me just say that this review is my own opinion. We all see things a bit differently, and we all have our likes and dislikes. Please feel free to incorporate this review into your editing, or ignore it. It is your writing, after all!

First Impression - I like this piece!

What I like - I like the fact that you do not declare your destination as Heaven or Hell, but you instead imply the destination by the description. I also like that you have ended with an ellipsis, infering that this is just a peak at what is to come.

Meter/Rhythm - Open

Rhyme - Open

Nuts & Bolts - No issues here!

Ways to improve - I might have made this piece a little longer, so as to add a bit more description of what the old man finds himself in, but I would not make it too much longer.

Keep Writing!!!



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#1510308 by Not Available.
46
46
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Review of: Prayer Beads

Hello! First off, let me just say that this review is my own opinion. We all see things a bit differently, and we all have our likes and dislikes. Please feel free to incorporate this review into your editing, or ignore it. It is your writing, after all!

First Impression - I love this!!!

What I like - I love the simplicity of this piece, and how it flows. This is both poem and prayer, and easily fits into any tradition, and works with any belief system. I especially like what it is you are asking for, and the manor in which you ask for it. You are basically seeking guidance, ant that is a noble request!

Meter/Rhythm - Open

Rhyme - Open

Nuts & Bolts - No issues here!

Ways to improve - I would not touch this!

Keep Writing!!!



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#1510308 by Not Available.
47
47
Review of Reflection  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Review of: Reflection

Hello! First off, let me just say that this review is my own opinion. We all see things a bit differently, and we all have our likes and dislikes. Please feel free to incorporate this review into your editing, or ignore it. It is your writing, after all!

First Impression - This piece is a bit sedated, but after a few read throughs, it defiantly grows into something wonderful!

What I like - I like the imagery you use, especially the image of the man alone, and the feeling of the air in your chest.

Meter/Rhythm - Open

Rhyme - Open

Nuts & Bolts - No issues here

Ways to improve - I would have loved to see something in this piece that sucked me in, and riveted my attention to the rest of the piece.

Keep Writing!!!



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#1510308 by Not Available.
48
48
Review of Pauperbacks  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Review of: Pauperbacks

Hello! First off, let me just say that this review is my own opinion. We all see things a bit differently, and we all have our likes and dislikes. Please feel free to incorporate this review into your editing, or ignore it. It is your writing, after all!

First Impression - I like this!

What I like - I like the personification you give to the paperback, comparing the spine of a book to the human spine. This piece shows how much you care for old paperbacks.

Meter/Rhythm - Varried

Rhyme - Varried, but well done!

Nuts & Bolts - No issues here!

Ways to improve - If this were my piece, I think I would try to find a way to reorganize the third stanza into two separite stanzas, and even out the meter of the lines.

Keep Writing!!!



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 Invalid Item 
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#1510308 by Not Available.
49
49
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Review of: Passion and Reason

Hello! First off, let me just say that this review is my own opinion. We all see things a bit differently, and we all have our likes and dislikes. Please feel free to incorporate this review into your editing, or ignore it. It is your writing, after all!

First Impression - This is a great piece!

What I like - I love the way you play your two elements against each other, striving for reason, yet controled by passion. You seem to set them up so that they are weighed evenly, both with benifits and drawbacks.

Meter/Rhythm - Open

Rhyme - Open

Nuts & Bolts - No issues here!

Ways to improve - No advice here!

Keep Writing!!!



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Review of Toes  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Review of: Toes

Hello! First off, let me just say that this review is my own opinion. We all see things a bit differently, and we all have our likes and dislikes. Please feel free to incorporate this review into your editing, or ignore it. It is your writing, after all!

First Impression - I Like This!!!

What I like - I like the simplicity, ahe way your description of the toes' actions tell us exactly what is going on without us actually having to be told what is happening. I like the way you separate your toes from yourself, giving them lives of their own.

Meter/Rhythm - Open

Rhyme - Open

Nuts & Bolts - No issues here!

Ways to improve - No sugestions here!

This is a great piece!

Keep Writing!!!



** Image ID #1742155 Unavailable **




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#1510308 by Not Available.
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