Paragraph 1:
"tract" should be "track"

Paragraph 2:
"your" should be "you"

Paragraph 5:
"over-emphasis" should be "over-emphasize"
"two or more syllable" "syllable" should be "syllables"
"emphasis" should be "emphasize"

Paragraph 20:
"learn the rules so they you can know how to break them" "they" should be "then"

Paragraph 21:
"Another issue with which we have to deal"
"how do you pronounce a word." Since you put quotations around this, you need to check all the punctuation here, but you definitely need a question mark inside the quotation.

Paragraph 22:
"However, what is commonly used is the measure of an exact rhyme." You need a question mark here as well.

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We are two
we opt one (I don't understand "opt" for this line)

You show up ,I cant
I show up,?you can't

(First?) happens our love
Then happens the life

closer I come (this couplet breaks the pattern of 'me and you')
charming I become

we meet
we disolve

Did I ? or Did you ? (put the question marks against the words)
Universe did ...

living can't
loving can

millions have we crossed
millions yet to cross

We cycle
We travel

We have one earthish child (should be "earthly" child)
she have children's in millions (instead of 'she', why don't you say 'Earth"? And "have" should be "has" in this line)

when u come ,life starts (you need to go back and clean up all the extra spaces, punctuation mark placement, etc)
when I come, love starts

Do you mind about our love?
but we don't mind to love

I am so moonish to love u sun
I hope your so sunish to love me too......? (fix the space, 'your' should be 'you're, and put the periods after the question, and only use three. You will have much better appearance.)

Ever loving
moon

A Muse Masters Review
Please remember that the following comments and observations are only my opinions.
Take what you can use, and throw the rest out to the writing witches for use another day.

A Muse Masters Review
Please remember that the following comments and observations are only my opinions.
Take what you can use, and throw the rest out to the writing witches for use another day.

A Muse Masters Micro Review
Please remember that the following comments and observations are only my opinions.
Take what you can use, and throw the rest out to the writing witches for use another day.

A Muse Masters Review
Please remember that the following comments and observations are only my opinions.
Take what you can use, and throw the rest out to the writing witches for use another day.

A Muse Masters Poetry Review
Please remember that the following comments and observations are only my opinions.
Take what you can use, and throw the rest out to the poetry pixies for use another day.

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A Muse Masters Poetry Review
Please remember that the following comments and observations are only my opinions.
Take what you can use, and throw the rest out to the poetry pixies for use another day.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

A Muse Masters Poetry Review
Please remember that the following comments and observations are only my opinions.
Take what you can use, and throw the rest out to the poetry pixies for use another day.

A Muse Masters Poetry Review
Please remember that the following comments and observations are only my opinions.
Take what you can use, and throw the rest out to the poetry pixies for use another day.

A Muse Masters Micro Review
The opinions contained in this review are only those of one person. Take what you can use, and the throw the rest out to the poetry pixies for use another day.

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- I love the title of this story. It drew me in immediately, and I had to see what the gift was. Although this was a Writing Camp Entry, I would like to have seen this at the bottom of the story instead of in the introduction. However, the part about the birthday gift was good. In my previous review, I mentioned my thoughts on three parts of the title. This piece is missing some cover art as well, and I think that could really add to the appeal and attract readers.

- Wow! Great first paragraph. I have learned so much about your main character, and I am immediately pulled in. I mean a room full of gifts! I'm definitely read to find out more. Also, the hardship this man must be dealing with. Not just losing things in the hurricane, but losing his family. I can't say enough about how well written this first paragraph is!

"When I arrived at my basement apartment on Monday evening, there was a smattering of birthday gifts: food baskets, flowers, small trinkets, and gift certificates. Every square inch of living space was nearly overflowing with the outpouring of goodwill. I suppose it was nice, in a way, to know that so many people felt I was worth a few bucks and a sentiment on my birthday; especially after losing the house, my family, and all of my belongings in the hurricane. It was a rough year, and all of the generous gifts really made me feel special for the first time in months."

- I think this short story contains a lot of information, but it isn't wordy. It isn't overly full of adjectives or adverbs, and that is necessary in a story of this length. There is one line that I believe needs to be fixed. I think the the site confirmed his research and not the other way around.

"The drive took me an hour in traffic, and as I pulled up to the address, my research was confirmed that it was indeed a small, brand-new house in the revitalized area of town."

- It was a somber story and written appropriately.

- Good use of transitioning from the scene at the basement apartment and going to the house.

- I love that an anonymous benefactor gave him this house. Have you seen the news lately where anonymous people are leaving money in places for others to find? Also, people are paying off Christmas lay away's. It's awesome, and gives you such a warm fuzzy feeling. That's what I truly enjoyed about this story.

- No noticeable problems.

This was a great read, Jeff! I'm glad you asked me to review it. I thoroughly enjoyed it! Until next time... Live, Laugh, and Write!!!

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- Instead of just commenting on the title, I like to include the whole introduction. Just like a book cover, it invites us in or turns us away. In this case, there is no cover art, and if you have the capabilities to use this tool, I highly recommend it. Your short description tells me what the story is about, but it doesn't get me excited to read it. The title is also not really letting me know anything in particular. Often we need to think just as much about the packaging as we do the gift, so to speak.

- It takes a few paragraphs to get hooked into the story, but I become glued to the story without much trouble. And once you got me hooked, you kept my attention all the way through.

- There is good foreshadowing in the story. I'll point out the places where it really stood out to me. My only problem is that with foreshadowing, I need some kind of resolution. After reading the entire story, I didn't have all my questions answered. I'll say more about that in a minute. Here are some great examples of foreshadowing.

"Todd and I had just gotten the hang of casting when the fog first came in, white billows rolling across the flat surface of the lake..."

Fog is almost always a foreshadowing a things to come. Sometimes it’s a cliché, but in this case it is an integral part of the story. Good job! The answer about what this is foreshadowing is answered shortly.

"As our father helped Todd with his pole, Uncle Jed knelt down to help me with mine. And that's when we heard the footsteps on the aging wooden slats of the dock, creaking under the weight of someone approaching."

Additional instances of good foreshadowing:

"My father had just managed to coax him into showing his face again, when a loud pounding at the door sent him back into hiding."

"She knelt down and he practically leapt into her arms, hugging her close and burying his face in her shoulder. My mother looked to my father and Uncle Jed with confusion."

I wrote a note as I read through the story that said, Hopefully I will see the reason for this later. I was a bit disappointed that I didn't. If you had left out that second line, I might not have been as curious.

'"Phone's dead," he said.'

Nothing like a dead phone to give an ominous feeling of dread.

- I think you do an excellent job of painting a picture with your details. You don't get bogged down in the descriptions, though, and that's important too. I did notice something in paragraph two that I made a note on, however.

By trying to avoid using "fog" more than once in this paragraph, and trying to be more descriptive, you actually become redundant with the word “white”. I would eliminate it the second time and just go with “dense mist”. In a short story situation, we definitely need to watch wordiness.

- Your style of writing matches the tone of the piece well. This was an intense story almost from the beginning. I made a note about an incident about three-fourths of the way through the piece.

"I think it's high time we called the police," Uncle Jed commented, pulling a cigarette out of his pocket and resting it between his lips as he reached for his lighter.

"Agreed," said my father, grabbing the cigarette out of his mouth on the way over to the phone on the nightstand. "No smoking around the kids."

For some reason, this just made me chuckle. A moment of levity to break the intensity of the mood is very important, and I’m glad you did that here. I was almost to the point of holding my breath when I had to stop and laugh at this.

To me, this just shows how well you are building the drama that is happening as it continues. Great story telling!

- I saw no problems whatsoever with the flow of the piece. Because everything happens within a small window of time, it moves along at a great pace.

You did an awesome job of giving each character their own personality and you blended it superbly in this short story. The boys were typical boys. They went fishing, got into mischief, and couldn't mind their parents when curiosity got the best of them. That sounds about right. The boy from the lake most likely has been abused, but we don't know exactly what's happened with him. I'll comment more about that in the plot. You did a great job of portraying his fear by showing and not telling it. Here is a great example of that:

"He moved forward to check on him, but the boy wiggled under the covers and disappeared.

My father had just managed to coax him into showing his face again, when a loud pounding at the door sent him back into hiding...

Going back into the guest room, my father tried to convince the young boy to once again come out of hiding. His head eventually appeared from under the blankets. After much coaxing, the boy eventually emerged from the security of the blankets entirely, sitting on the bed and staring back at us with nervous, wary eyes."

- Now it's time to talk about the plot. The story begins well. They find a boy that's obviously been abused. You show that it's been ongoing by talking about the scars that are already healed and the ones that are fresh. Evil people come looking for him. You don't have your phones, you hide in the basement... and then the story abruptly ends. The ending just fell off after a high climax, but never brought a clear resolution. It just was the end with no answers. I made a note at the end when I finished reading it.

Is this how it ends? You haven’t satisfied any of the foreshadowing except maybe one. What happened? Why did they want the boy? Why was the boy so clingy to the mother? Does the one telling the story get killed? Or do I have to do the work of making it up and figuring it out for myself. (I’m just telling you how I feel as a reader who has just invested my time and emotions into this story.) I know abrupt endings can be fun in mysteries, but only if they satisfy the reader about what has happened. If the narrator is killed, why does the story begin, "I remember the day we met him..."? Maybe you could put a blurb at the bottom that reads like a newspaper clip to give us some resolution. I don't know, but I need to know more.

I saw no problems with punctuation. However, with your grammar I made a few notes through out. The first thing I noticed was the use of passive past tense. This is where you include "had" a lot to describe what has happened. In most cases it is unnecessary. It's kind of like the word "that" in it can be implied and doesn't have to be used. As an example, let's look at the first and second paragraph.

"I remember the day we met him, as clearly as if it were yesterday. My older brother and I had spent the better part of the afternoon on that dock, as our father and Uncle Jed taught us the secrets of rod and reel. A friend of Uncle Jed's had loaned us the place for the weekend, and our family had decided to make the most of it by taking a break from the city and enjoying the great outdoors.

Todd and I had just gotten the hang of casting when the fog first came in, white billows rolling across the flat surface of the lake. From the look of things, it was going to get really hard to see, really fast. My father and Uncle Jed thought it best that we head back to the house before the dense white mist completely obscured the trail back."

There is several examples in this small opening… “had spent, had loaned, had decided, had just gotten” That last one is probably fine, but you can see the repetition.

Later in the story I made note of the proper way to use the word "had" in this paragraph. By using the word sparingly, it creates more weight and drama.

"Todd! Take your brother up to the house and tell your mother to make up the guest room," my father shouted, with a sense of urgency in his voice that I had never heard before.

Look back at the second paragraph. "Real" should be "really," but try to think of stronger verbs to use instead of relying on adverbs such as “really, very, etc.” Maybe instead of "really hard" you could say "difficult," and instead of "really fast" you could say "in a flash". When I write, I always have thesaurus.com open to help make my writing stronger.

Finally, be mindful of changing tenses. A couple of times you switched to present tense from past tense. That's an easy fix, though.

- I made a few other notes while reading that didn't really fit into a category. These were all good things I noticed. When I read your dialogue, it was realistic, it moved the story along well, and it showed that you are very good at not telling, but showing a story as it unfolds. I can't praise you enough for this!

In another spot I noticed a great word. I am a word nerd. I love language in general, but I love learning new words. "Machismo" was a wonderful choice in this spot. It summed him up perfectly!

I really enjoyed reading and reviewing this story. I hope that the critiques will help you in a rewrite of the story, or with your writing in the future. And if you ever come up with the back story of the boy, I would sure love to know it. Until next time.... Live, Laugh, and Write!

I definitely must touch on flow. There is a delicate balance in poetry when it comes to syllable counts, meters, cadence, and all these things that affect how a poem sounds, especially when read aloud. I'm going to analyze some of these quatrains to help you understand what I'm talking about. The first stanza starts out with seven syllables in the first two lines. Then the last two were eight and six. This would not really throw off the flow because they still add to fourteen syllables, and they flow well into each other. That is an example of what works in the poem. The second stanza is perfect in it's syllable count at seven per line. I'm not going to discuss cadence or meter at this point. Just syllable count.

Third stanza - All lines are okay except the second line. It is nine syllables. If you at least brought it back to eight it wouldn't sound so awkward.

Original
"Connemara there beyond some bends,"
My suggestion will bring it to eight, and will make the rhyme in that stanza more true with no "ess". Remember, the poem doesn't have to be perfectly aligned with what you saw unless you are willing to increase all the work and add more description everywhere.
"Connemara beyond the bend"

Fourth stanza - In the second line, you can take out the word "ever". It's not necessary, and your syllable count will come back to seven.

I think with those notes, you can continue on through the rest of the poem. Make sure you look for unnecessary words in the longer lines. In the shorter lines, see where you can add a descriptive word to round it out.

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Mage Marci - House of Hightower
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Suggestion:
"I lie now in a marbled tomb" (reverse syntax)
"Now I lie in a marbled tomb" (correct syntax)

Highlighted:
"In battle I was killed"