Hello,
It's Marci. Thank you for trusting your story with me. I am reviewing at your request.
Since this is not an actual story yet, I've made suggestions about organizing them and where to embellish. I hope this is a help. I tried not to put the whole piece into a review, but if you need me to go back and do that, I will.
Brass Ranch: Coldwater Kansas 1966
Notes:
You should write this in the past tense. It will make more sense in the scheme of the whole story. Be careful not to switch back and forth between tense.
I like that you have written this in the first person. Just make sure you follow through with that all the way through. That means that the story will not be told from any other person’s perspective.
Any notes you have should be included either in the introduction or at the end of the book.
After reading all of this info, I get that the mother was abusive. However, there definitely needs to be more cohesion in the thoughts. I know you understand this, but you have to be the one to put it together. I can just give you suggestions.
It is hot, sultry hot; the wind always seems to blow. Dust flying on the dirt roads,
This opening really gets my attention. I like the description of how it feels.
and tumbleweeds blowing across the dirt roads. ... The cries of a two year old embark from fear and the rage of a mother’s wrath begins.
I feel like this story is incomplete. If you are writing a fictional story based on some truth, you can make up how this ends. It is a great paragraph otherwise.
I would make this my first paragraph, and then go on to explain why you weren’t attached to your mother
Although a very young two year old, I recall not being attached to Mother. Dad always brought comfort, play time, and warmth, but he also had to work and provide a living for this family. He was a ranch hand on the Brass Ranch. I can still smell the horses and feel the horn on the saddle when I got to ride with Dad.
The floor furnace in the living room always fascinated me....not only did I no longer have the balls to play with but the house had a terrible odor, and Mother took me to the main bedroom where I received the spanking and shaking of my life.
Suggested rewrite for this last line to give it more significance. …and my mother took me to the main bedroom where I received the spanking of my life, as well as a severe shaking.
I have looked several times in recent years to try and locate this ranch area, to no avail, but I am sure it is because I was so little; Have you done any research online to try to find it?
I am not sure why they left this ranch , perhaps to make more money, but we moved South of Coldwater Kansas.......................
Perhaps the mother’s abusive nature was found out.
Buttermilk Kansas 1967-1968
I knew better than to tell what happened and the scream of her being hit across the face and seeing my father so angry, created a chill of fear through my body. Too young to know what hate was, but I knew I was feeling something not normal.
So, Dad is abusive to mom? And mom is abusive to the children?
Bacon and eggs, ...Romper Room was a place I always wished I could go to. Captain kangaroo was always kind, and the animals talked!
This seems to be a good memory. You might want to link it with the first paragraph under this heading where you talk about the new farm.
Most of my days on this ranch were spent outside. ... getting my legs stuck, not strong enough to push myself up and out. I am not sure which hurt more, my legs or my pride.
I feel like this also would be better if coordinated with the first paragraph. The story about the chickens and the story about the horse could be embellished to offer moments of comedic relief. In a story as harsh as one dealing with abuse, you need the emotion to change up once in a while to give the reader a reprieve. In the first section when you were two, the story about the balls is kind of funny… and then of course turns with abuse from mom.
The heat went out one evening... dad was badly burnt and carried those scars all his life.
This would probably be a significant story to tell as it most likely changed the future a great deal.
Again, if you plan this to be fictional, embellish on the ideas that you don’t remember. Before adding them all by sentence form, try writing out some notes that you can later incorporate.
Pavlick Apartments In Town
Back to town we moved. ...But Jackie told me one day soon I would get to go there too and it would be fun! I was hoping it would be like Romper Room!
It seems important that I don’t see abuse here, and Daddy is missing. Your parents must have went through a separation.
Please, as you turn this in a longer story, I would love to continue seeing where you take it. I would love to read more and review again in the future!
Sincerely,
Marci Missing Everyone  |
| (4.0)
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It's Marci.
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "
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