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51
51
Review by Mastiff
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello,

My name is Mastiff and I'll be reviewing your piece. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble, and realize I make just as many mistakes as anyone else. Thank you for sharing your writing, and I hope this is helpful! I am also doing this as a Newsfeed Challenge bringing attention to RAOK.

GROUP
RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  (E)
RAOK (Random Acts Of Kindness) helps members by Upgrading them.
#398524 by Writing.Com Support


Title: It grabbed me right off, so good job. Then I saw the prompt and it made me even more curious.

Initial Reaction: I stop after a bit and give an impression. It seems you were rambling a bit, but I decided I wanted to follow and see where you were headed.

Setting: The story really wasn't built for a setting. It was more from the mind.

Character Development: I enjoyed how it came clear slowly what the narrator was getting across. There were no characters, really. But it worked.

Plot: A very nice take on what could happen in the future. Enjoyable.

Ending: I'd love to believe that's the way it really ends!

Line-by-line and Suggestions:

Para. 1 Ln. 3 - Comma after "this."
Para. 2 Ln. 3 - Comma after "more."
Para. 3 Ln. 1 - Comma after "ago" and "hello." Might consider dividing it into two sentences.
Para. 6 Ln. 6 - Comma after "strange."
Para. 10 Ln. 4 - A couple commas or split the sentence.

Overall - You are my comma opposite. I tend to overuse them, you need to add them. Other than that, pretty good!

Happy Writing!

Mastiff *Dog2*

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52
52
Review of Angel Tears  
Review by Mastiff
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hello,

My name is Mastiff and I'll be reviewing your piece. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble, and realize I make just as many mistakes as anyone else. Thank you for sharing your writing, and I hope this is helpful! I am also doing this as a Newsfeed Challenge bringing attention to RAOK.

GROUP
RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  (E)
RAOK (Random Acts Of Kindness) helps members by Upgrading them.
#398524 by Writing.Com Support


Title: Not bad. It fits even if it isn't as descriptive of the work as it could.

Initial Reaction: This is where I'll stop and kind of decide if it's for me, and to let you know that it grabbed my attention. It did. I had no idea it would be so gut wrenching, but it was powerful from the start.

Setting: Unfortunately, having been in Vegas on October first, I can understand. The date is tattoo'd on my leg in the skyline of the city. It's something you never forget.

None of the items I generally address really fit. I don't know what the hell is wrong with people. All I can say is I was moved by your writing. I hope it helps you heal. Just know that you aren't alone. Being in Vegas showed me how strong people can be, and I believe you are as well.

Line-by-line and Suggestions: I got nothin'. I had no idea this was going to be what it was when I started. This came from the heart and soul, and there is no critique for it.

I'm so sorry for your loss... I wish the best for you.

Mastiff *Dog2*

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53
53
Review of Gone Fishing  
Review by Mastiff
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello,

My name is Mastiff and I'll be reviewing your piece. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble, and realize I make just as many mistakes as anyone else. Thank you for sharing your writing, and I hope this is helpful! Congratulations on turning yellow! And with that, our mission is to give you a review!

Title: Well, I used to fish, but I'm not sure it would have caught my eye with out the "unexpected" in the subtitle. I also knew it was for a contest, so it was okay.

Initial Reaction: I'll read a little bit and see if it's for me, and also to give my first thoughts. I'm thinking it's some kind of a man hurting finds a new love. So that's what he catches. At least it seems to be headed there, and I'll see for myself. :)

Setting: It's done quite well. You describe it so people can see it. As I tell almost everyone, and to remind myself, try and use all the senses. I think you missed out on some smells, at least. But feel and taste are great when you can work them in.

Character Development: Honestly, I'd have liked more visual description. Sadly, we get to "see" Jenny better than your live people. If you work this piece more, you might consider adding that for your readers.

Plot: I liked it quite a bit. It had some nice nuances, and you kind of roll it out slowly. It's good not to give things away too early in some cases, and this was one.

Ending: Unexpected. Whenever that happens, you've probably written something worth reading, or something no one understands. This case, we have the former, and I liked it.

Line-by-line and Suggestions:

Para. 1 Ln. 1 - Is "Lovely Lane" a proper noun? If so, you can drop "the" before it, and if not, no need for capitals.
Para. 1 Ln. 3 - Two things. I believe you want "losing" not "loosing." Also, future fiancee is an odd choice. I think "future wife" or just fiancee would suffice.
Para. 1 Ln. 6 - I'd break this sentence up. But if you like it as written, at least a comma after "time."
Para. 1 Ln. 7 - I hate sounding nit picky, but it's a little clunky. Try it out as "..place I craved, but had been denied."
Para. 2 Ln. 4 - Best to make the tenses of the sentence agree in this case. "Couldn't" instead of "can't" does it. "Couldn't have been" would be my choice, but that's just an opinion.
Para. 4 Ln. 2 - Consider a comma after "reluctantly."
Para. 7 Ln. 1 - I'd probably break the paragraph into two sentences, minimum.
Para. 8 Ln. 5 - Comma after "sides."
Para. 9 Ln. 1 - Comma after "her."
Para. 10 Ln. 1 - I'll bet you meant "my" and not "her."
Para. 14 Ln. 2 - I think you're missing an "on." Also, the next sentence can go on the same line. It'll make it smoother. Also, consider capitalizing "you" as it begins dialogue.
Para. 14 Ln. 4 - Comma after "unwillingly."
Para. 22 Ln. 2 - I wouldn't have a paragraph break there.
Para. 31 Ln. 1 - Bulging, I do believe. *Smile*
Para. 38 & 39 Ln. 1 - I generally avoid using all caps to make a point. You can, but it clunky. Lowercase with italics and an exclamation point work for me. You might see how you like it.

Overall - It may seem like a lot, but I try and take this part seriously. Many of them are just small changes, and a good edit would help what you've written. It's a good read!

Happy Writing!

Mastiff *Dog2*

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54
54
Review of Ocean Moon  
Review by Mastiff
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello there,

I'm Mastiff, and I'll be taking a look at your work today. I have to be honest, I'm not a poet, don't know much about poetry, and the rules are much different than other writing. So take everything I say with a grain of salt, knowing these are just my thoughts. I won't do much as far as technical corrections, unless I see something that really sticks out, because the rules are just so different. Thanks for sharing your writing! Also, congratulations on getting yellow!

Why I chose it: Well, to be honest, I didn't see but a couple items on your port, and one already had an award, so I took the other. The good news is I love the ocean, and live just a few miles from it. However, we don't have turtles, so it was nice to read.

How it made me feel: It made me smile. I saw many sea turtle in Hawai'i, and so it brought back some very nice memories. I like that.

Points I thought you made: It was a tale of nature, and moreover, how the land and ocean are both locked together for the animal you describe. It isn't very common, and the unique relationship with both the land and ocean come out in your work.

Anything Technical:

Stanza- 2 Line - 1 I'm curious why you used punctuation everywhere but here, and...
Stanza- 3 Line - 3 ...here. It would have been easy to do, and I'm left wondering if it was done on purpose or not.

Final Thoughts: A pleasant thing to read and review first thing on a Friday morning! I enjoyed your work.

Thanks again, and happy writing!

Mastiff *Dog2*

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55
55
Review of Freezing Cold  
Review by Mastiff
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello,

My name is Mastiff and I'll be reviewing your piece. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble, and realize I make just as many mistakes as anyone else. Thank you for sharing your writing, and I hope this is helpful! We've been called into action to review our own, and to congratulate you on your yellow case!

Title: It was odd enough, combined with the subtitle, to make me check it out. So it did what it was supposed to do.

Initial Reaction: This is where I'll stop, not just to give my thoughts on how it came across to me, but if I'll review it. I must admit, I was puzzled. Why on earth would people do this? Of course, I say the same thing when I see it on the news...

Setting: Well, I can easily visualize it, having lived in Maine, and I think most could. It was a short piece, and it looks like you had a word limit, so it's tougher to set.

Character Development: The same is true here, we don't really get to know them very well, but what comes out in the dialogue is terrific. It really hit that nail writers want that makes people speaking realistic.

Plot: It was very odd. Not sure where you got this idea, but it certainly was different!

Ending: Revenge. Always a good ending. *Smile*

Line-by-line and Suggestions:

Para. 2 Ln. 1 - Not sure how you make a degree symbol on here, but lacking that, consider spelling it out.
Para. 14 Ln. 1 - You could delete the comma and "who were" and probably have better flow.
Para. 17 Ln. 1 - I believe the second comma is unnecessary.

Overall - Not very much to here to mention! I generally don't use a comma at the end of a quote unless I'm picking the quote up again in the sentence, but that's just a matter of style. For me, paragraphs six, seven, and eight, for example, would end with a period in the quote text.

Happy Writing!

Mastiff *Dog2*

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56
56
Review by Mastiff
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello,

My name is Mastiff and I'll be reviewing your piece. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble, and realize I make just as many mistakes as anyone else. Thank you for sharing your writing, and I hope this is helpful! We've been platooned to the ports of our own to congratulate you for your promotion! I'm very happy for you. *Smile*

Title: It works. I'm an ocean guy, and knowing it was for Screams! it could be fun. I recently won the same contest with a prompt about the beach, so it caught my eye.

Initial Reaction: I'll stop after a bit to decide if I want to continue to do the review, and to give my first impressions. Well, it won't be like my tale, and I really don't know much about sailing, but I liked what I saw. If I miss a nautical term, well, it's not my forte.

Setting: Well done, it was an easy scene to picture. As always, I try to remind others (and myself) to use as many senses as you can. You could have added depth with taste, smell, and hearing, but I know you were under a word count.

Character Development: We got to know Kim had some moxie and was fearful for her child, but I'd have liked to know more sometime. If you ever edit your work, add some physical descriptions for us!

Plot: It was harrowing. I've never personally experienced it, but even if I could imagine it, it would be doubly hard with your child still on the boat.

Ending: I can honestly say I didn't see it... so bravo!

Line-by-line and Suggestions:
Para. 3 Ln. 1 - I think you could use a comma after "view."
Para. 5 Ln. 2 - Another comma after "along" ought to be added.
Para. 6 Ln. 3 - I hate to be a harpy, but a comma after "sailing". (We should write together, I tend to overuse them!)
Para. 6 Ln. 4 - It's just me, but I'd either use a conjunction before "was" or add that silly comma after "ground."
Para. 8 Ln. 3 - Again, your story, but I put some kind of space, ellipsis perhaps, to break up "ten" from the rest of the sentence.
Para. 9 Ln. 1 - Comma after "boat."

Overall - Mostly just commas and changes I might make. Not bad at all!

Happy Writing!

Mastiff *Dog2*

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57
57
Review of Silent Night  
Review by Mastiff
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hello,

My name is Mastiff and I'll be reviewing your piece. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble, and realize I make just as many mistakes as anyone else. Thank you for sharing your writing, and I hope this is helpful! As you know the platoons have been set upon by the Army! *Smile*

Title: Not a real attention grabber. I'm sure in season it will work fine, though. Of course, I think it's been used!

Initial Reaction: It caught me a couple paragraphs in, It's good it did, because it's a nice read. I hope it catches everyone, because it's well done with a nice history at the end.

Setting: Very well done. Everything a good ghost story needed to set the mood.

Character Development: I think you did a good thing by describing Luke twice. It sets up the ending that he visits often. Tim we just have to imagine, I guess. But that isn't so hard, really.

Plot: Well set up and executed. I could hear it being told around a fire at Christmas.

Ending: I have to wonder if it's his last trip, or that's the way the visits always end. Perhaps done with intent, even.

Line-by-line and Suggestions: I didn't find a thing. You write very well.

Happy Writing!

Mastiff *Dog2*

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58
58
Review by Mastiff
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello,

My name is Mastiff and I'll be reviewing your piece. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble, and realize I make just as many mistakes as anyone else. Thank you for sharing your writing, and I hope this is helpful! A platoon has been challenged to review your port!

Title: Meh. Can't really get behind it. Even with the sub, it's just a bit lacking. Vinegar and honey both attract flies, though.

Initial Reaction: I kept going. I like a mystery!

Setting: Tell us where. Can we count on our imaginations for this story? Sure. But do you want to do that? We can picture dorm rooms and trains for the most part, but you have the obligation! :)

Character Development: Well done, they were easy to follow, which is very important.

Plot: Certainly not what I expected. I was entertained!

Ending: Also didn't see that coming, and it makes for a fine ending.

Line-by-line and Suggestions:
Para. 1 & 2 - I'd combine them. Just my thoughts.
Para. 3 Ln. 2 - Long sentence.

Overall - No real complaints here,

Happy Writing!

Mastiff *Dog2*

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59
59
Review of Twins Piqued  
Review by Mastiff
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hello,

My name is Mastiff and I'll be reviewing your piece. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble, and realize I make just as many mistakes as anyone else. Thank you for sharing your writing, and I hope this is helpful! And you know we of the platoon are invading your port! *Smile*

Title: I've never had a brother that was my own blood, at least one I know, so it caught me that way. The play on Twin Peaks works as well.

Initial Reaction: I read a few lines and it sounded like my inlaws. Not a real bad thing, but it was easily relatable. I also noticed that being all dialogue, I'd have way less corrections! :)

Setting: It's hard to do with just dialogue. With a screenplay, you kind of set those up. I'd bet you could do that well.

Character Development: Nice work. We got to know them well. You could have left out the wife walking in and it would have worked just as well.

Plot: Twins. Nice. I didn't see it coming and I should have! I dated one and this hits close to home.

Ending: I loved it. I hear twins are special, and this made them just that. Well done.

Line-by-line and Suggestions:

Para. 9 - This is where you would have to introduce a character to make it work. A real good down and dirty on scripts is at:

http://resources.screenwritersuniversity.com/resou...

I'm not going to make any more, because this is a dialogue contest, and people say what they will. It seems finely punctuated for what it's meant to me.

Overall - You might try a script. It looks like following the established rules, you could do well.

Happy Writing! This is one I wish I could give a 4.9. They should fix that.

Mastiff *Dog2*

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60
60
Review of Dreamer  
Review by Mastiff
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello there,

I'm Mastiff, and I'll be taking a look at your work today. I have to be honest, I'm not a poet, don't know much about poetry, and the rules are much different than other writing. So take everything I say with a grain of salt, knowing these are just my thoughts. I won't do much as far as technical corrections, unless I see something that really sticks out, because the rules are just so different. Thanks for sharing your writing!

Why I chose it: To do one more of your items for the month, but also because I'm honestly trying to practice reviewing poetry, and you seem to be okay with how i do it. Also, this is interesting. I may have a different take! I'm not sure you always remain a dreamer. Or, as time goes by, you settle for smaller dreams.

How it made me feel: It made me smile, as I have with all your work, but when you get older dream poems are sometimes unrealized dream poems.

Points I thought you made: You certainly made your case, and I'm all for people chasing their dreams. So, you keep inspiring, it's even good for and old cynic like me.

Anything Technical: Just punctuation as I see it, feel free to ignore all of it. *Smile*

Stanza- 1 Line - 3: Might try a semicolon.
Stanza- 2 Lines 3&4 - A semicolon or something. You could consider puting "with joy," up a line. Also, not sure if you mean "Wonderful!" or "Wonderful things..." Easy to clarify. *Smile*
Stanza- 3 Line - 3 - Semicolon, if it were me.
Stanza- 4 Line - 1 - Definitely a period.
Stanza- 4 Line - 3&4 - I'd go comma and semicolon.


Final Thoughts: Hope you had a good birthday!

Thanks again, and happy writing!

Mastiff *Dog2*

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61
61
Review by Mastiff
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello,

My name is Mastiff and I'll be reviewing your piece. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble, and realize I make just as many mistakes as anyone else. Thank you for sharing your writing, and I hope this is helpful!

Title: The subtitle got me. What can I say, I'm a sucker for good furry friends.

Initial Reaction: I stop here, after a little, and decide if I' review. I will!

Setting: Could have let us know more where you are... might be hard, but I have faith you can.

Character Development: Plenty of good stuff here, but you could have added much more description and enhanced the piece.

Plot: Unusual. I glad I read it! Turns out you're more like you animals, I get that!

Ending: Well done. Very well done.

Line-by-line and Suggestions:
Para. 1 Ln. 1 - Probably best to revise. "To dogpack" doesn't really make it.
Para. 1 Ln. 2 - A very long sentence, might want to break it up.
Para. 2 Ln. 2 - Comma after "adventures."
Para. 2 Ln. 3 - Consider and instead of but.
Para. 3 Ln. 2 - Consider revising.
Para. 4 Ln. 2 - That needs to be about three sentences.
Para. 4 Ln. 3 - Comma after "shelves.
Para. 5 Ln. 1 - Another sentence that might be better as two.
Para. 5 Ln. 2 - Coma after "laundry."

Overall - Dogpack should be capitalised all the time, unless you have a solid reason not to do it.

Happy Writing!

Mastiff *Dog2*

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62
62
Review of The Truth Is...  
Review by Mastiff
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello,

My name is Mastiff and I'll be reviewing your piece. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble, and realize I make just as many mistakes as anyone else. Thank you for sharing your writing, and I hope this is helpful!

Title: Well, I'm always looking for the truth, so the title caught my eye. And then the subtitle kind of intrigued me even further, so I decided to read on to see what facts we would be learning in this poem!

Initial Reaction: I always read the first few lines before I get deeper into the work to actually get that initial reaction. It looks as if you have selected some interesting tidbits that are, indeed, factual. In this day and age, I'm not sure you can put out something better.

Setting: There really is no particular setting to the free verse, as it crosses many different ideas as it gives up the truths. The only real "setting" would be almost that of a classroom, at least in my opinion.

Plot: Although there wasn't a real plot, it was clear you had a fun time writing it, and it's a very interesting read. I'd say I knew over half of those truths, but I learned through it as well. Instructional writing is good stuff!

Ending: It was cute and fit the piece. I agree, there are a whole lot of truths out there...

Line-by-line and Suggestions:
Para. 5 Ln. 1 - I might reword this for more clarity. Instead of "types of" you could use "including."
Para. 15 Ln. 1 - Not sure you need the second comma after "word."
Para. 16 Ln. 1 - Consider a comma after "view." Probably not required but it would help it flow.

Overall - Very easy fixes, a nice polish and this piece would really shine!

Happy Writing!

Mastiff *Dog2*

Just and old lithograph signature
63
63
Review by Mastiff
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello there,

I'm Mastiff, and I'll be taking a look at your work today. I have to be honest, I'm not a poet, don't know much about poetry, and the rules are much different than other writing. So take everything I say with a grain of salt, knowing these are just my thoughts. I won't do much as far as technical corrections, unless I see something that really sticks out, because the rules are just so different. Thanks for sharing your writing!

Why I chose it: Probably because I wondered why you didn't call the gathering of the crows a "murder" that is the proper term! Also, my wife and I often feed the local crows, so there is that!

How it made me feel: It was a lighthearted piece and made me smile. That's always a good thing for me. So, even though you don't have much poetry in your portfolio, consider doing it.

Points I thought you made: I'm not sure there was much of a point except how you enjoy watching crows enjoy life. I do the same!

Anything Technical: Not sure why you went with no capitals in the first stanza, but then used them in the second and third.

Stanza- 1 Line 1 - Unless they eat sunshine, and a comma after "eat."
Stanza- 1 Line 2 - A question mark after bed makes for better flow.
Stanza- 1 Line 3 - Comma after "wings" and I think you want "shiny."
Stanza- 1 Line 4 - Another comma after "bite."
Stanza- 2 Line 1 - You want "soar" and a comma after "wide."
Stanza- 2 Line 2 - Do you want "we" or something else. Not sure here.
Stanza- 2 Line 3 & 4 - Commas again *Smile*
Stanza- 2 Line 4 - Question mark after "Clancy."
Stanza- 3 Line 1 - Comma after "lunch."

Final Thoughts: Poetry is so subjective, I just pointed out things to make it flow. But I really enjoyed reading it, so don't stop! (As I say that a crow caws outside my window... so there!)

Thanks again, and happy writing!

Mastiff *Dog2*

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64
64
Review of Dear Wastebasket  
Review by Mastiff
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello,

I'm Mastiff, and I'll be taking a look at your piece today and giving you a review. I'm no professional, so realize that these are just opinions on how I see your work. I appreciate you sharing it, and I hope it's helpful.

The Hook: I've never seen a letter to a wastebasket. I've seen plenty of mine in them, but never to them!

The Dialogue: The only real dialogue, was more of you speaking to an inanimate object, but I think that was the point. Either way, I think it's well written, and more of a monologue, which is fine with me!

Character Development: I do believe this letter told us mor about you than the trash can, but that's okay. Sometimes that's just the way it works.

Scenery: Not much scenery, I might have liked to have known what the waste basket looked like! *Smile*

Plot: Very cute. It was almost more of an ode than a letter...

Mechanics:
Para. 1 Ln. 1 - You want to use a comma or semicolon in the greeting.
Para. 3 Ln. 4 - Use "which" after a comma and "that" if not using one. At least here... (Also in 4 - 1 & 4)
Para. 3 Ln. 5 - Capitalize pen, and consider breaking up the sentence. You ran on a bit.
Para. 4 Ln. 2 - A comma after "order" and removing the "and" would make it smoother. Or you could divide it up.
Para. 4 Ln. 5 - A comma after "outside."
Para. 5 Ln. 4 - No capitalization is needed for "have."
Para. 5 Ln. 9 - A comma after "you."

Overall - Just a few simple edits. Not many of import aside from the which/that thing. But I bet you'll get the hang of that easily enough.

Final Thoughts: I can easily see why this won a contest. It's well written and a fun read.

Happy Writing!

Mastiff *Dog2*

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65
65
Review by Mastiff
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello,

My name is Mastiff and I'll be reviewing your piece. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble, and realize I make just as many mistakes as anyone else. Thank you for sharing your writing, and I hope this is helpful!

Title: Easy to understand, and the subtitle let's you know how the tree feels about it. Even though it isn't the season, it brought me in.

Initial Reaction: I could see immediately where you were going. My wife is Pagan, and they only decorate trees in the woods with things the creatures can eat! So I liked it immediately.

Setting: I think here the setting is less of a factor as the description of what is happening to the tree as it is "trimmed." So in this regard, just about anyone can picture the holiday scene that would be around it.

Character Development: All we really have is the tree itself, and the development of how it feels about what is occurring to it. It's not typical, but it's done very well.

Plot: It isn't really a story with so much of a plot, as a narrative of what the poor tree is feeling. Again, that comes through. "Botanical prostitute" made me laugh aloud.

Ending: Sad, but true. I'm not sure why you needed the statement at the end, but I understand. People can get so offended these days...

Line-by-line and Suggestions:
Para. 1 Ln. 3 - I think you have a run-on here. I'd break it up if you do an edit.
Para. 8 Ln. 8 - I'd consider a comma after "found me." That's just me.

Overall - You like parenthetical work. I'm generally not a big fan, and prefer using them as sparingly as possible, but it works fairly well here.

Happy Writing!

Mastiff *Dog2*

Just and old lithograph signature
66
66
Review of Electric Glow  
Review by Mastiff
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello there,

I'm Mastiff, and I'll be taking a look at your work today. I have to be honest, I'm not a poet, don't know much about poetry, and the rules are much different than other writing. So take everything I say with a grain of salt, knowing these are just my thoughts. I won't do much as far as technical corrections, unless I see something that really sticks out, because the rules are just so different. Thanks for sharing your writing!

Why I chose it: I think it reminded me, by the title, of A Christmas Story. It also had a becoming subtitle, and was in a different category than your other work. Either way, it drew me in.

How it made me feel: A bit puzzled, but that's nothing new with me and poetry. It was almost a love story, but it also was not. It almost seemed like you were describing something else...

Points I thought you made: Whomever, or whatever, you wrote this about had an interesting affect on you. Emotional, yes, but you also put out there that it wasn't just you. The glow you describe apparently isn't yours alone.

Anything Technical:

Stanza- 1 Line - 1 The "you" and "embers" don't seem to agree.
Stanza- 4 Line - 2 This line seems to need something to me. Either a "with" or subtract the "you" and use "grabs."

Final Thoughts: I enjoyed it, as I have the other two. I'm not a poetry person, but I do enjoy your work.

Thanks again, and happy writing!

Mastiff *Dog2*

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Review of What's Genny For?  
for entry "Picking up Chicks" 
Review by Mastiff
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello,

I'm Mastiff, and this is the first time I've every reviewed a blog, so I have no idea what to say. I'm not sure I've ever even read a blog. But, damn the torpedoes, I'll give it a shot!

I knew it wasn't about picking up women! :) Or I'd have looked for it much sooner!

When I lived in Arkansas, we raised chickens for eggs, meat, and to eat chiggers and ticks. We had a mean rooster to run off dogs, too!

I like that you made a trade with other local farmers and people who also raise food. One day, that might be important to all of us...

I wonder how big your roosters were when something got them. Once they get big, they can be a terror. I had one that would run off the neighbors pit bull!

A very interesting mix of colors. Was that your aim, I wonder? Most people really don't care as long as they lay and are tasty! Poor roosters in cities, but your use of "et" is so southern it reminds me of way back when. Enjoy building your coop!

Mastiff (Who hopes this was how you review a blog!) *Dog2*

Oh, I think that cross ends up with a sex-linked chick, and if your lucky, a Red Star. But, you can also get a Golden Comet or several others. It's not a sure thing, and males can be silver, too.

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Review of You Deserved It  
Review by Mastiff
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello,

I'm Mastiff, and I'm going to review your work! I'm just an amateur, so take it all with a grain of salt, as it's just my opinions. Thank you for sharing your writing, and I appreciate being able to read it.

*Vignette5*First impression:
I think I could tell right away this story was going to be about abuse. I didn't know how it would end, but I usually read a paragraph or two then write this section. The title also lends me to think something bad may happen!

*Vignette5*Things That Might Make It Better:
What jumped right out at me was the lack of paragraph breaks, which I would normally put under mechanics. But I haven't come across to much else, and this is a change that will help your piece. You should almost always break after dialogue. Some prefer to do a section of dialogue, with several people speaking and break and the beginning and end, but it should always be separated. Breaks make it much easier to read.

*Vignette5*Mechanics:

Para. 1 Ln. 1 - Not sure why you mentioned the red flowers. The story works fine without it.
Para. 1 Ln. 3&4 - Either break here (not needed) or add "The men" to the previous line. This is throughout the story, and is an easy fix.
Para. 1 Ln. 14 - A comma between "beer" and "and" will help with flow.
Para. 1 Ln. 24 - Another comma after "me" and a lower case "and" would also help.

Overall - Not hard fixes, especially the paragraphs. *Smile*

*Vignette5*Things I Like:
The dialogue works. I've heard as much, so I know. Good job there!

*Vignette5* Final Comments
A nice ending, but not completely unexpected. Still, a good little tale.

Mastiff *Dog2*

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Review by Mastiff
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey there,

It's Mastiff, and I'm going to be honest, I don't really know much about poetry even though I've had a class or two. I mean, I don't even have a review template. So, anything I say here is just how I feel about it, I suppose, because technically I have nothing.

But! I will do my best to let you know what I think, because it's really all I have. I started with this one, because it's at the top. So here goes...

If this were a story, I'd say you missed a comma on the second line of your first stanza. However, poetry doesn't seem to follow the same rules. Even though you rhyme in most places, "fancy" and "snazzy" do not. Again, is it a rule? Nope.

Four lines... four lines... four lines plus a word! *Smile* Good thing I'm not OCD like my son! (I offset the pictures in his room for fun. *Angelic* )

What I enjoyed was watching you run through your own color palette in verse, and describing why you like the others, and the ways they affect you. So, it's hardly a critique, but I enjoyed reading it.

Mastiff *Dog2*

Oh, one last thing. Could it be you don't like purple because it rhymes with no other word in the English language except hirple and curple? Just a thought. *Wink*
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Review by Mastiff
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Dog Pack!

It's Mastiff. Congrats on being the reviewer of the month. I'm going to start with this little piece, but I'm going to find something longer, as you did for me. But I also entered this contest, so I thought I'd start there. As always, I'm just an amateur, so it's just my take. :) As an aside, I'm very hopefully your Ammo has come home to you. I have a real soft spot for fur babies...

*Vignette5*First impression:
I knew the contest, but since it's a one word prompt, it can go just about anywhere. Just look at the difference between our entries! I could see right away that you went with a much more literal interpretation.

*Vignette5*Things That Might Make It Better:
Perhaps a nod to the mythology of the bird that rises from the ashes of the last. Starting with a sad pile of ash to the majesty you describe could have added some power to the piece.

*Vignette5*Mechanics:

Para. 1 Ln. 3 - Overpowering in this case should be one word.

Overall - Nothing else, really.

*Vignette5*Things I Like:
Your description of the scene is very well done, and particularly the use of "feast" to describe how taken in by the beauty is nice.

*Vignette5* Final Comments
All in all, it's a very nice and well written entry. I enjoyed reading it.

Mastiff *Dog2*

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Review of Growing Up  
Review by Mastiff
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello,

It's Mastiff! I'm the new guy, and I'll be reviewing your piece. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble, and realize I make just as many mistakes as anyone else. This one is special, as it's celebrating your birthday! *CakeP* Thank you for sharing your writing.

Title: The title wasn't near as enticing as the subtitle. Together it works, but realize the title by itself doesn't make a clean draw. By that I mean, "Growing Up" wouldn't bring me in by itself.

Initial Reaction: Honestly, I wasn't thinking other planets and such, I went towards some strange experiments. It's good. It didn't hit fully until later.

Setting: It really could have been anywhere, but you captured the school setting well. You used the sense of touch very well, and I always like when writers use as many senses as they can.

Character Development: You excelled here. I could feel the frustration and then the anguish your main character was experiencing. From the undeveloped girl all the way through to alien.

Plot: Unusual, to say the least. You took a theme that has been used before and made it your own. I enjoyed it all the way through.

Ending: All that pain and she ends up in Mississippi? Ouch... *Smile*

Line-by-line and Suggestions:
Para. 2 Ln. 5 - Not sure EWWWW needs to be all caps, but that's just me.
Para. 14 Ln. 7 - "Gees" wants a z, either "geez" or geeze." Probably a comma after "Mom" would be appropriate.
Para. 35 Ln. 1 - Just me, but "passed" instead of "handed" lets the sentence stand on its own. Without the next one, they could have been turning the quizzes in.
Para. 42 Ln. 2 - I think a period instead of a comma is what you want.
Para. 48 Ln. 1 - Adding "up" after "pulled" would make for better flow.
Para. 77 Ln. 6 - A comma after "see" would be a good add.
Para. 81 Ln. 2 - You can drop the comma in this one. :)
Para. 83 Ln. 1 - Consider reworking this sentence, and perhaps the next, to make it read better.
Para. 95 Ln. 2 - She seems to be thinking, and if so, italics have been used everywhere else.

Overall - It may seem like a lot, but in a story of that length, and most being minor corrections, it's not much. Easy enough to edit up for a nice read!

Happy Writing!

Mastiff *Dog2*

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Review of Shadow Prints  
Review by Mastiff
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey there, Moody Blue,

I'm Mastiff, and new member of the WDC Angel Army. A very happy birthday to you, and we share the month, as I'm the 26th. I'll be honest, this is the first time I've ever reviewed a poem, but I'm going to give it a shot, since much of your writing is locked up. Take everything with a grain of salt. It's new for me, poetry is just so subjective, and I've had little exposure to it. I have to admit, without support from the AA staff, I'd have run...

*Vignette5*First impression:
I love that you wrote about your dog. I've written about one, and almost certainly will one day write about my Shadow, who was an awesome rescue. I've been doing that with dogs, and mostly mastiffs for most of my life. The title is great, to me it meant she's leaving prints all over your heart, as they do, and your poetry backs that us marvelously.

*Vignette5*Things That Might Make It Better:
I'm not sure why you didn't really describe her to us. Upon reading, and then re-reading, I wanted to know what she looked like! Shadow is usually a name for dark furry friends, but I could have used one more stanza to see her fully.

*Vignette5*Mechanics:
Poetry can be done in so many ways, this may not even be an applicable topic, but I suppose if it were me, I'd have used punctuation. However, I can't fault you for not writing it how you wanted it.

*Vignette5*Things I Like:
All of it. It made me think not only of my own Shadow, who lived up to his name to the point that I tripped over him numerous times, but several others. Don't make me cut onions again! *Smile*

*Vignette5* Final Comments
I hope to get to read more of your work soon! Now I need to go hug Max, Jackson and Cheecha... my fur babies. *Wink*

Mastiff *Dog2*

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Review of Uncut Diamond  
Review by Mastiff
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello,

I'm the new guy, Mastiff, and I'll be reviewing your piece. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble, and realize I make just as many mistakes as anyone else. Thank you for sharing your writing. That's kind of my standard intro, but for you, Happy Birthday! *CakeP* I hope you have a good one, and mine is this month as well. :) Also, I hope you get some good sleep. I've had insomnia before and know how much it sucks.

Title: The title and the subtitle work together well, and it drew me in. I'm not sure what I'll find yet, but making me curious about your work is what you want to do, so it works.

Initial Reaction: I generally like to get a little bit deeper before making this comment, but I saw in one paragraph you described three senses, hearing, smelling, and sight. That let me know quite a bit.

Setting: After the first paragraph, which set the scene fairly well, I thought I'd find more, but perhaps that's all we needed to know. I like to remind everyone I review, and myself, to use all five senses (or six, even). How did that chicken sandwich taste?

Character Development: You did a very good job here, and I could visualize the people. I might have enjoyed a bit more description of Javed, but maybe you wanted to leave your readers to fill in the blanks.

Plot: Clearly this is a culture I cannot fully understand, and only have a basic knowledge from reading and such. So, it gave me a bit more insight, which is a good thing. I enjoyed reading it, and did so several times to catch all the nuance I could. It wasn't meant to surprise the reader, just give them a glimpse of how other cultures work.

Ending: Personally, I'd have loved a paragraph on the ceremony, and how both families reacted to the nuptials. That's just me, but if I want more, it means you've done a good job with the piece.

Line-by-line and Suggestions:
Par. 1 Ln. 3 - I'd have used "and" after the comma, or broken it into two sentences.
Par. 4 Ln. 1 - I know it's done a lot these days, but I always try not to end a sentence with a preposition.
Par. 4 Ln. 3 - Last period should be in the quotes.
Par. 5 Ln. 1&2 - Just a missed space.
Par. 7 Ln. 4 - "As a result" is a prepositional phrase, and should have a comma after result.
Par. 11 Ln. 3 - Non living should be one hyphenated word.
Par. 12 Ln. 1 - I wouldn't have used a hyphen in "question-answer." Using "and" would be more proper, and even Q & A works.
Par. 15 Ln. 3&4 - If you either move the last to sentences, or as a paragraph break, and it may read a bit smoother. (Same with the next paragraph.)

Overall - It may look like a long list, but most of those are minor edits. I was an English TA and a tutor, so I went through papers like this to help students. One good edit and your work would jump at least half a grade. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

Mastiff *Dog2*

Just and old lithograph signature
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Review of Freedom  
Review by Mastiff
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello,

My name is Mastiff and I'll be reviewing your piece. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble, and realize I make just as many mistakes as anyone else. Thank you for sharing your writing.

Title: Sounds great to me! however, I figured you had something to say when I read the subtitle. It's probably why I gave it a first look. So, it worked!

Initial Reaction: I once had a professor tell me never to explain what I wrote. I can see why you did it, and for good reason, but consider something like that at the end. Just a thought.

Setting: Well done. You use very descriptive language in your scenes. The only advice I'd give, and I'm guilty of this, is to use all five or six senses. Smell and especially taste are too often an afterthought.

Character Development: We get to know you and Frank well, and it seems like that's what you wanted to accomplish. Mrs. Dalwhinnie, and Mrs. needs a period, kind of came out of nowhere, but that's fine. You wanted to let us know Frank knew everyone, and since it was a small town setting, you'd know her, too.

Plot: I think you might have more plot to give here. What you've written is nice, but it's almost like you've laid something out that you intend to paint later. It works as it stands, but even you say you might take it further!

Ending: It's not the newest, as it's been said for a long time that the most free people have nothing to lose. However, that doesn't make your version of it any less entertaining.

Line-by-line and Suggestions:
Para. 1 Ln. 6&7 - Not sure why you used a colon and not a period. Also, the question mark should be inside the apostrophe. There is also an extra period.
Para. 3 Ln. 1 - I don't think you need the first comma, and you probably want "a" after the second.
Para. 3 Ln. 2 - Almost sure you didn't want "there's was." *Smile*
Para. 3 Ln. 4 - I think Bakers is a street, right? If so, no apostrophe.
Para. 3 Ln. 5 - You doubled up on "the."
Para. 3 Ln. 7 - Swing that second comma to the other side of "but" and you could probably reword the sentence a bit for flow.

Overall - Mia in the parenthetical sentence doesn't need to really be in your piece. One of my editing methods, and I don't like editing, is to try and remove parts and passages that don't have to be there. It may have significance to you, but does it to your reader? Just one person's idea.

Happy Writing!

Mastiff *Dog2*

Just and old lithograph signature
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Review by Mastiff
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Mastiff dropped by for a visit. I'm just another writer trying to get better, and reviews help me. These are just my opinions, and I'm sure not perfect! *Smile*

*Vignette5*First impression:
Being a very non-jealous person, but having seen what it's done to others, I found the title and subtitle intriguing. I also liked your descriptions of the scenes, and really would like to see you put that same effort into the main people in your work.

*Vignette5*Things That Might Make It Better:
I'd listen to your people interacting and see if there are overused words or possible contraction opportunities. Casual talk is generally less verbose than the written word. I enjoyed what they were saying, but they spoke in just a bit of a stilted manner.

*Vignette5*Mechanics:
Para. 1 Ln. 2&3 - Any reason why you used a proper name back to back?
Para. 7 Ln. 1 - You use "that" door, and I'm not sure why you did it. Looks like you also have "that" a few other times throughout, when "the" might work . Also, you have "bar" twice in the sentence.
Para. 24 Ln. 2 - "Christopher and I" flows better, in my opinion.

Sects. 6 to 9 - You missed some quotation marks, not sure if there's a reason or not.

Overall: I'd review the dialogue and read it to yourself, if it flows in your head, it generally will for the reader, too. Check for any missing commas if you do an edit, there might be a spot or two where you could use one.

*Vignette5*Things I Like:
The story in general is good, and I enjoyed it. I expected Thomas to have something bad happen to him, though! Did he perhaps get caught up in the crime?

*Vignette5* Final Comments:
It needs a good edit and some changes that are mostly about flow. Your style isn't bad, aside from perhaps overusing proper names instead of occasional pronouns. Best of luck with all your writing, and email if you have any questions!

*Dog2*

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