*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/mastiff/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/sort_by_last/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/4
Review Requests: ON
224 Public Reviews Given
226 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... 1 2 3 -4- ... Next
76
76
Review by Mastiff
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Mastiff dropped by for a visit. *Smile*

*Vignette5*First impression:
You done did it. If you got a guy with the O&B on, you're going to get a review! *HockeyPuck* The title hit me as a bit trite. Just because the actual words are overused. But we can see where it goes! Okay, a television show. I'm with you.

*Vignette5*Things That Might Make It Better:
Just a nice edit. It's fun, and if you go back and wordsmith it, you'll have something nice.

*Vignette5*Things I Like:
Perfect ending.

*Vignette5* Mechanics:
I always try and do this, and even though I've been through the English wars, write grants and boring legal stuff, it's just my thoughts.

Para. 1 Ln. 3:"and everything" can go without losing anything.
Para. 3 Ln. 1: Period could work better than a comma.
Para. 4 Ln. 1: Always best to spell out "okay" without a solid reason.
Para. 36 Ln. 5 (I think): Ending a sentence wit... wit. I'm laughing too hard now to keep up. Email me back if you really want grammar stuff. :)

Overall: You might consider a few more commas, but I'm a junkie, so take it with a grain of salt. Or, next edit break some long lines into shorter ones.


*Vignette5* Final Comments:
I'm so glad I was too old for that TV stuff! Fun piece, whittle on it and it'll get even better.

*Dog2*

A signature for WDC Angel Army
77
77
Review of Going Quietly  
Review by Mastiff
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello

My name is Mastiff and I'll be reviewing your piece. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble, and realize I make just as many mistakes as anyone else. Thank you for sharing your writing.

Title: It really didn't give any indication about the story, which is fine, of course. However, now you'll make me curious as to what it means!

Initial Reaction: I sensed someone wasn't having any fun. How deep that would go was my first thought on the piece.

Setting: Very well done. You set that it up in a way that anyone who has been out in the woods or near a reservoir can picture it.

Character Development: I could have used just a bit more of him, but since it was her perspective almost throughout, it's understandably. Looks like a word count was also in play.

Plot: Well, you give us enough to draw our own conclusions.

Ending: In particular, enough to draw a conclusion of what you meant in your title. So, you tied it back well. Good job!

Line-by-line and Suggestions:
Para 1 Ln 2: I doubt you meant his mouth was indolent. You can use another comma or place it elsewhere in the sentence.
Para 4 Ln 1: I might have used "walk" or similar, instead of "went." Just a personal thought.
Para 5 Ln 3: Looks to be the only possessive in the story. "Ballroom of the moon" would leave you with none. Again, just a personal thing. :)

Overall: I enjoyed it, and found it quite well written. Keep it up! *Smile*

Happy Writing!

Mastiff *Dog2*

Just and old lithograph signature
78
78
Review of 'The Incident'  
Review by Mastiff
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Happy Birthday! *CakeP*

It's Mastiff the new guy, wishing you another great trip around the sun. Sadly, my scribble isn't done, and I have things to say about your non-fiction piece. However. I figure, there's no chance I can review something like that, so I'll just find a little nugget somewhere else. Yeah, that worked. I've seen less ribbons at county fairs. In fact, I think I had to go about 18 folders deep to find something that could have been missed. But did I find a gem? (You know I have to review you like anyone! *Smile* But just maybe I'll get the first birthday review!)

The Hook: Sure, involve the government! Between that and the few fine lines of dialogue, I wanted to know what was what! I'm the good kind of civil servant.

The Dialogue: If it were me, and just a personal thing, I'd have condensed the first 15 lines. It could make them read faster and dig harder into the story. In all the dialogue works, we all seem to use ellipsis in our own way, especially when a character chats. There are also some words or phrases that just don't seem to work with the age, and I put that down below. Sometimes I try out mine using the "would ___ say it test." Pick out a person that could fit into the role and read it coming from them.

Character Development: We get to know Brenda well enough, and really, everyone else in the piece is more of a drone. At least, until the end when we get to see evil and a toady to it all.

Scenery: You gave us some, because I could picture the basement, but your focus seemed elsewhere. Having read some of your other material, I know you could have if you wanted to fit it in, but I think you might have been tight on a word count.

Plot: Nothing real new in the recent landscape of apocalypse books, movies and television. But, you tell it well, and that makes it work for me, because I like the genre in general. I'd imagine the other people who do would also find it entertaining.

Mechanics:

- Para 18 Ln 1: I'd have have the question mark after guys, then "Like, the Secret Service?"
- Para 24 Ln 4: Does your normal 17 year old say "intact" or just "there"

- Overall : Throughout, you follow "Miss" with a period. Unless I'm uninformed, in that salutation it isn't needed. Also, if you do an edit you might add a comma or two. You can borrow some of mine, I'm a comma hog.

Final Thoughts: I would have really liked to see what 2000 words might have produced!

Happy Writing!

Mastiff *Dog2*

Non-Animated Angel Army Signature
79
79
Review of The Child  
Review by Mastiff
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello

My name is Mastiff and I'll be reviewing your piece. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble, and realize I make just as many mistakes as anyone else. Thank you for sharing your writing.

Title: Short and sweet. The subtitle could be worded without the comma. In fact, you might consider if "who" would be best left out a well. Just a thought.

Initial Reaction: I tend to scan a piece as a whole, and first noticed how the story was divided by paragraphs. As I read, I looked to see what effect you may have used them, and it worked.

Setting: Not sure if you were bound by a word count, but you could have added more depth by letting us know where you were during the events.

Character Development: Now here you have done a good job with descriptions. I get a good idea of how terrifying the boy is to the main character, and can sense her fear. Good work.

Plot: A little bit of a twist, and it certainly wasn't apparent from the start where you were going. It was a nice dip into the crazy pool of the mind, so I got a kick out of it.

Ending: I had a glimmer, but the last paragraph came on quite well. Since that's the point of a mystery, nice job.

Line-by-line and Suggestions: Not a bunch to put out for you here. I'm a comma hog, so I try and weed them when I can. You might edit being mindful to drop a few and create more sentences. Oh, just one other minor detail. I'd put Really good games, in para #4 in quotes. All I got!


Happy Writing!

Mastiff *Dog2*

Just and old lithograph signature
80
80
Review of "Do it for Me"  
Review by Mastiff
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi there,
I'm Mastiff, and I'm going to give your work a review! I wouldn't fret too much about being new. I've only been here a month or so, and all I've met are nice people who are helping one another get better. I think my worst response was simply, "I really didn't get what you were trying to say!" But really, sometimes you write for yourself as much as anyone else. *Smile*

The Hook: I think perhaps being you were new and willing to put your work out there that drew me in. But also non-fiction about oneself can be difficult to write, so I thought I'd check it out.

The Dialogue: I found more inner monologue with your piece, and perhaps a bit of verbal interaction would add to the story and make it pop, but it's powerful none the less.

Character Development: Again, I think this was about you, and maybe ever for you, so that's who your reader is going to see. If you ever do make this into a larger piece, you might consider filling out your brothers, parents, and even one or two of the worst antagonists.

Scenery: You might have missed a bit of opportunity to let us know more of the story. It's told through your eyes, but instead of a laser focus on the people around you at that time in your life, you could add a little background as to where this takes place, even with small additions. Ask yourself if the setting was rural, suburban, or in a city. Then, decide if there might be a place to add just that one word.

Plot: Sadly, this isn't an unfamiliar one, even to me. By high school, luckily, I had enough figured out to keep the jerks off me, but junior high was a different story.

Mechanics: This is the fun part, and I'll be gentle. But, if you want to improve, here are my thoughts:

- I see you're American, but even most Brits punctuate inside quotation marks. Sometimes it feels strange but you get used to it. (See your 1st sentence.)
- I'm a comma junkie, so I have to watch this myself. There's nothing wrong, and many things right, with breaking up a thought into two sentences. Unless you're making a list, two is okay, three is probably too many without a good reason, and four should almost always be divided.
- In general, use a comma or period before a quote, and capitalize as a new sentence.
- Try not to end sentences with a preposition.
- Avoid "a lot" outside of dialogue, there are much better words to use!

None of these are hard and fast, nor am I an English prof. They're just my observations.

Final Thoughts: Reading it, it doesn't sound like your mother had a bad intent. Plenty of them give some version of what you heard to get obedience without violence. Your dad, though, sounds like a bit of a jerk. If he was so tough, he'd have taught you how to fight instead of making it worse. Be glad you had brothers! Reading your bio, I'm going to guess the author was Bach, but someday you might want to include it. Perhaps it hould be on every reading list!


Happy Writing!

Mastiff *Dog2*

Non-Animated Angel Army Signature
81
81
Review of True Justice  
Review by Mastiff
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)

The Hook: When I opened it up the first words I read were the bold text. I realize that was the contest phrase, but someday you might want to take it out. It read better the second time when I ignored it.

The Dialogue: On the second read also I realized he was talking to the almighty!

Character Development: It was well done for such a short window. We don't get an outward description, but the one inside.

Scenery: I think the whole story is filled will pictures of the background, and they're well placed, I think. Threaded through the whole story.

Plot: It's fairly clear and quite quick.

Mechanics: I might have used a comma after "faster" in sentence 2. But otherwise, well done.

Final Thoughts: Fire ant do not have a whim. *Smile*




Happy Writing!

Mastiff *Dog2*


(P.S. - Sorry to send this twice. I forgot to add my group affiliation. I'm still fairly new at this! Thanks.)
82
82
Review of Thaw  
Review by Mastiff
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello

My name is Mastiff and I'll be reviewing your piece. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble, and realize I make just as many mistakes as anyone else. Thank you for sharing your writing.

Title: It's nice. I kind of like the one word effect. The sub-title gave me more, but I'd have taken a look anyway.

Initial Reaction: It reminded me of the scene from King's Misery and her talk about the change of seasons. At that point I kind of wanted to know where you were taking me.

Setting: You set the scene very well, even though we have no idea where we might be on the globe. In a short story, you certainly made me feel cold.

Character Development: We get to know Marla, and I believe that's the point. You could have done more with her, but you had a word boundary on the piece.

Plot: Short and sweet. We get the twist for certain.

Ending: I suppose we'll just have to wonder why they're out there in the first place, as it seems she's fond of them in the fourth paragraph.

Line-by-line and Suggestions: Maybe check some commas and be careful ending a sentence using "with." Overall, not bad.



Happy Writing!

Mastiff *Dog2*

Just and old lithograph signature
83
83
Review by Mastiff
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello,

My name is Mastiff and I'll be reviewing your piece. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble, and realize I make just as many mistakes as anyone else, and thank you for sharing your writing.

Title: It certainly describes the story. You might want to substitute it for something else in the sub-title. Perhaps you missed... no, puns are bad *BigSmile*

Initial Reaction: It kind of caught me right away, since I live a few miles from a coast, and relate to your character quickly.

Setting: I think this was also well done, but I would give you the same advice given me. When you write, and especially edit, remember all the senses. My coast has a taste and a smell, I bet Ryan felt those as well!

Character Development: We only know one man, and for a short time. I think the transformation says things about him, and we have to draw our own conclusions. Do we want to know any more about the woman?

Plot: Different. I liked the unusual 180 degree turn. It makes me wonder if this isn't something that happened to someone.

Ending: We leave worried for our one person. It's quite sad.

Line-by-line and Suggestions: All I saw were paragraph fixes. I might watch beginning the story with "As" twice, but that's me.



Not a bad read at all! Happy Writing!

Mastiff *Dog2*

Just and old lithograph signature
84
84
Review of Love Potion  
Review by Mastiff
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
The Hook: The title and sub-title. The wife is a witch and I'll take information wherever I can get it.

The Dialogue: I found it quite good and flowed well. If I would make one change, I would name the cook, then give his words. As it reads he kinds of comes out of nowhere.

Character Development: No complaints here. The two people we need to know, we certainly know. Very well done.

Scenery: It was kind of a bland cafe, but it was just a quick backdrop. It could use a little more meat, but only if you're toying with it anyway.

Plot: Oh... how... dark. It's a nice set up, really. Old school love potion, blah blah, typical. Then nails the ending hard! Makes you revisit the sub-title. I'd be remiss to say I wasn't impressed. The only story hole is taking Jeffery from the outside to the backroom. Easier to sit him at an empty outdoor table, no?

Mechanics: A wise man told me to put clamps on what I write and tighten up when I edit. If you wanted to do the same, Para #7, Sen 2 &3 could be pared into one giving all the same information. That's all I got!

Final Thoughts: Speaking of got, you got me good! I did the Chris Pratt wide open mouth meme and then laughed. Ya got me. I was thinking romance and love! And I enjoyed it, too. Keep twisting!


Happy Writing!

Mastiff *Dog2*
85
85
Review of The Final Amen  
Review by Mastiff
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (3.5)
The Hook: You got me with the title. I disowned my sister after my Mother died almost five years ago. I read your work twice, but it wasn't easy. I'll explain.

The Dialogue: It's not bad at all, the problem is reading it. When you work line by line, with a break after each person speaks, you can still interject information without breaking the cadence of the conversation.

Character Development: We get more of the main two people, the sister and mother, than the others, but it's still mostly internal. I get the brothers are bums, but aside from the husband being husky and Mama was 5'9", not much on appearances. A story this long, you could probably add some physical description.

Scenery: You should do the house like the cemetery. Honestly, you had some great visuals there, but once we moved on, it tailed off. The wind, the elevator, and even the preacher all had it. Work that in to any scene you can. :)

Plot: Sadly, one that others have been through, including myself. You did it justice, for certain. Not sure I'm ready to write my version. I will say it looked like your story had three distinct parts, the funeral, a flashback, and the will. You could section them for easier reading.

Mechanics: This is the big problem with the piece, and it could be you wrote it in haste to get it out, we've all been there. I won't go into a great deal of detail, if you want that, let me know and I can. You need to spell check, review your grammar, and break up your paragraphs.

Final Thoughts: It felt very personal to me, and that's what counts. I'd enjoy reading it all shined up sometime.


Happy Writing!

Mastiff *Dog2*

Icon to be used by Angel Army members
86
86
Review of True Justice  
Review by Mastiff
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
The Hook: When I opened it up the first words I read were the bold text. I realize that was the contest phrase, but someday you might want to take it out. It read better the second time when I ignored it.

The Dialogue: On the second read also I realized he was talking to the almighty!

Character Development: It was well done for such a short window. We don't get an outward description, but the one inside.

Scenery: I think the whole story is filled will pictures of the background, and they're well placed, I think. Threaded through the whole story.

Plot: It's fairly clear and quite quick.

Mechanics: I might have used a comma after "faster" in sentence 2. But otherwise, well done.

Final Thoughts: Fire ant do not have a whim. *Smile*




Happy Writing!

Mastiff *Dog2*
87
87
Review by Mastiff
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi . This is a review from Mastiff . *Smile* After reading "One Misspelling Intended"  I have the following comments to offer.

*Vignette5*First impression:
I knew when I first read through it I would need to have at least one or more reads to gather what you wanted me to know.

*Vignette5*Things That Might Make It Better:
The line "Funny isn't it." is technically a question. It leaves me to wonder if you're actually telling me, and if so, why not use a statement?

*Vignette5*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
I'm sure you realize "beheading" isn't a punctuation error, but grammatical. It works, though. I read right over it the first time and had to go back and catch it.

*Star*Things I Like:
"Don't take me literally." Is very well placed, trying to figure out what the piece meant to you was important, but that lead me to try and figure out what it could mean for me.

*Vignette1* Final Comments
Very well set up with the use of the three words deferred, disposed, and referred. It created a tone for your work.

Mastiff

Review Icon for Angel Army members


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
88
88
Review by Mastiff
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Valentine Puppy


Hi . This is a review from Mastiff . *Smile* After reading "Allow me to introduce myself..."  I have the following comments to offer.

*Vignette5*First impression:
I think the best part was I started reading it in some accent I know is BS, but fun regardless. Being chased around by the authorities makes for a fun story.

*Vignette5*Things That Might Make It Better:
I might involve the people with you just a bit more. Let them help you make the story. The other bigger point is "Old Bill." Make Old Bill the synonym for the law without the others in parenthesis. It just may be me who went back to be sure I was on track, but it's easier to just make it clear from the start.

*Vignette5*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
I know we have a bit of a difference here, but here's my American take:
1 - "Fitted" in P1 may be colloquial, but perhaps not capped.
2 - Para 2 line 3 hey needs to be quoted or removed, line 7 Ellipsis with ?, line 7-8 can break to two more sentences. Easier read.
3 - Saying "I’ll tell you about that lot later" and such doesn't go over well. Just my opinion.

*Star*Things I Like:
I thing he paints a good picture, and I'll see what he has to say.
It's not a hard read, it flows well.

*Vignette1* Final Comments
Let's see what you've got next

Mastiff

Image #1188674 over display limit. -?-
88 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 4 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/mastiff/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/sort_by_last/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/4