Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈's (mathguy) Reviews

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

Review Requests: ON

1,657 Public Reviews Given

3,026 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

In depth, detailed, and supportive.

I'm good at...

Elements of craft that draw readers into your fictional world and your character's head.

Favorite Genres

SciFi, Mystery, Thriller, Horror

Least Favorite Genres

Fantasy

Favorite Item Types

Short stories

Least Favorite Item Types

nonfiction, poetry

I will not review...

I'm only interested in prose fiction. I will not review anything over 4000 words, nor will i review poetry. If you have a longer piece, please divide it into bite-sized chunks.

226

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3929389

Review of Chapter 1

Review by

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Item Reviewed: "Chapter 1"

Author puppycork

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
I picked the following snippet for several reasons. The bit of dialogue helps to ramp up the tension, both in terms of what Malcolm's mother says and also in terms of the affectionate actions she takes. Then we've got an excellent paragraph that describes directly the action that's happening. You also use the the setting to help ramp up the tension and establish the importance of what's happening. Best of all, we know that we're seeing all of this through Malcolm's eyes without being told, since you've established his point of view previously.

“Good boy.” She smiled and ruffled his hair. “Here we go…” she said putting her arm around him and giving him a squeeze.

The speaker walked across the stage to the podium. He shuffled his papers and tapped the microphone. A dull thud erupted through the old Tannoy speakers which peered down at an angle over the crowd, imposing their importance.

Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

Your opening is quite good. It names your point-of-view character and starts with him doing something. By the fourth short paragraph, we know he's a child, with his mother, and they are in a crowded hall. Best of all, you conveyed all of this information through the words and deeds of your characters. Nice job!

Plot
Malcolm's father appears to be running for office on a rascist/sexist platform. Malcolm loves his father, of course, and he's picked up that he's supposed to dislike "Pakis" and "lesbians" without knowing who or what they are. This, of course, suggests possible future conflict, but Malcolm's so young that's doubtless quite a ways in the future. In any case, Malcolm's father has won, and Malcolm is undestandably proud.

BTW, I loved the irony of their last name.

Hook
Well, to be honest, there's not one. Without knowing where the novel is headed, I can't even make much of a suggestion here.

This blog provides an excellent overview of chapter hooks:
http://thebookdoctorbd.blogspot.com/2011/09/using-...

The advantage to the kinds of hooks described in the above is that the provide a natural segue into the following chapter--you're guaranteed to start in the middle of things, since the next chapter is a reaction to the hook in the prior chapter.

Style and Voice
Third person limited, in Malcolm's head.

Referencing
From the spelling, political parties, and some of the slang, I infer we are in the UK.

Scene/Setting
Good use of scene to help establish character and setting!

Grammar
I confess I have problems with grammar--especially commas--myself. I've marked a few places in your text.

Comma Splices.

A comma splice occurs when you have two complete sentences joined by a comma where a period or semicolon should be used. I've marked one or more of these in the line-by-line comments below.

Commas.

I thought I saw some comma errors. I'm terrible with commas, so I won't try to point them out. Instead, here's a great reference:
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_c...
I've read it, and they're still a mystery to me. I hope it helps! (Note that this is for US grammar; UK grammar might be different.)

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

This promises to be an interesting story. I'm guessing it'll be a coming of age story, as Malcolm comes to realize things about his father's political positions that he doesn't fully agree with. I do wish there had been a way to better foreshadow that conflict in this chapter.

I found a few minor grammatical issues--nothing to be concerned about. I only mention this because you seemed insecure about grammar. I've read plenty of authors whose grammar is perfect but who cannot put readers inside the head of a character. You, on the other hand, put us inside Malcolm's head. This is a difficult thing to do--mostly especially when the point of view character is a child. Your grammar isn't a barrier at all, and your writing is quite good.

However, as a starting chapter you've done a good job. You've established Malcolm, his father, and and his mother. You've hinted at potential future conflict. If the hook were stronger, you'd have everything you needed for a first chapter.

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in RED.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GREEN.

Malcolm looked around from the front row at all the different faces, he’d felt important as he’d walked past the cue of people waiting in the rain.My Comment: First, this is a comma splice; you should have a semicolon or a period after "faces." Second, it should be "queue" for people standing in a line. More important, however, are the words "looked" and "felt." Both of these are telling readers things, as opposed to showing them.

You've established that we are in Malcolm's point of view, so if you describe directly what he saw when he "looked," readers will infer that he was looking. Indeed, that little step of inference helps to draw readers into his head, and hence into the story. If you want to emphasize he was looking and saw, have him react in some way.

In the case of "felt," you're describing an emotional response. If you could show his reaction rather than tell us--his chest swelled with pride, for example--it would be stronger.

“Mummy, look, Daddy’s got a blue flower, that’s my favourite colour isn’t it?” My Comment: Another comma splice--at "flower." Also, doesn't he know what his favorite color is? Seems like an odd question.

“Oh get on with it you silly old sod” His mother saidMy Comment: This should be typed as follows:
"Oh get on with it you silly old sod,” jis mother said.
The bit of dialogue ends with a comma, and the tag that follows does not start with a capital letter. The exception to the "comma" would be if the dialogue were a question or an exclamation. However, the tag never starts with a capital letter.

She said, being kind.My Comment: Malcolm wouldn't know she was being kind, right? He seems pretty young. Thus, this is a small POV violation.

The speaker kept going but Malcolm had lost interest; there were so many people on the stage.My Comment: Show him losing interest as opposed to telling the readers. Maybe he fiddles with a button or otherwise fidgets. Note, though, that the grammar is correct here--no comma splice!

Malcolm watched his mother rush up to the stage full of excitement, she stopped, realising she left him, she came back and grabbed hold of his hand.My Comment: "realizing she left him" puts us in his mother's head. If she pivots, and her eyes widen as they focus on him, then you've shown that she forgot him, turned, and looked for him. Oh, and this is another comma splice.

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out my essay

on short stories.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

227

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3909207

Review of Angry Elk Attack

Review by

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Item Reviewed: "Angry Elk Attack"

Author Lesley Scott

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
Thanks for asking me to read this. I can always trust your works to provide insight into animal personalities I could never have imagined were there. The bull elk in this story is a character, as fully realized as the narrator. Your empathy for and understanding of animals is wonderful.

Plot
Our over-confident narrator goes alone into the elk refuge during rutting season, to her peril.

Hook
We're hooked in the first paragraph since you reveal that the situation is dangerous.

Referencing
Fascinating details about elk and animal refuges.

Scene/Setting
This was pretty good, although I think it would be more intimate if you personalized these a bit more--add scent, for example, and put things in the narrator's head.

Characters
Of course, the bull elk is the most memorable character. I especially loved the way he wandered off at the end, mission accomplished.

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

You have a delightful story here. It's got interesting characters, tension, and a lesson learned. The perspective on the elk is what really hooked me. As I noted above--and some in the line-by-line remarks, too--if you could be more specific and more personal with the descriptions, I think you'd have an even more effective story.

As always, thanks for sharing!!!

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in RED.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GREEN.

At the Charles Towne Landing Animal Forest, where I worked, it was hot with some deer flies. It was feeding time, and I drove the tractor and utility cart into the Elk Habitat with grain, a daily mission. During the rutting, or breeding season, the elk can be dangerous. I made sure I kept a close eye on the two elk in the habitat. Being in rut makes some animals act bizarre.My Comment: Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

This opening accomplishes several important things. You orient the readers in time and place, establish what the story will be about, and start in the middle of action. That's all evidence of good writing.

However, there are some ways I'd suggest to make it more intimate and immediate for readers. For example, your lead sentence states some facts: it's hot, there are deer flies about, the narrator works a the Animal forest. If instead you used the narrator's sensations to relay the information, it would do a better job of drawing readers into the fictional world. As an example, maybe the deer fies "buzz around my head," or the tractor spews diesel exhaust that mixes with the scent of the pine forest. Later, when you say the elk can act bizarre, give a little example.

They will damage your body seriously or, at worst, be killed. An elk is enormous, much taller than an average horse. With those long and strong legs he kept stomping, his ears at an odd angle.My Comment: The transition here is a little unclear. We go from generic descriptions of elk, to "he kept stomping."

This made me uncomfortable.They usually ignore me at feeding time. The elk usually waited until I was gone to eat their grain.

When I heard that, “Nit, nit, nit,” sound, I knew his tongue stuck out of his mouth performing other rutting rituals. I gave the bull elk a long glance and made sure both elk were a safe distance from me and the tractor. For some reason, I felt uneasy. I poured the fifty pound sack of feed in the hollow log, which makes the habitat look natural. I climbed back up on the tractor and, “oh no,” the tractor didn't move.

The wheels hung up on the log and I couldn’t pull or push it out because of my petite size. In the meantime, something was disturbing. I felt something that chilled my bones. The bull elk spied me and I felt trapped. I didn’t think he planned to be any help with the tractor. My heart was beating in my chest so hard, I thought I'd pass out. I was scared.

Looking over into my face, the bull stomped his feet and he had long legs with razor sharp hooves. Apprehensive, I glanced at the far away gate. He seemed to regard me as a rival. If I made a move, he could decide for me to be put out of commission. That could be impalement, disemboweling, skewered, stomped, and God knows what else Now, terrifed, I had to keep my wits about me if I planned to survive. My heart was still about to jump out of my chest. Ths was a serious situation.

The gate looked, or seemed far away.

I figured I had a fifty-fifty chance to escape alive and hopefully, uninjured. Time was frozen. As I ran, ducked and dodged,My Comment: Here we go from her gauging her odds to "as I ran." Show her reaching the decision and starting to run.

I almost felt his hot breath close behind me. "Don't let me die like this,” I pleaded. I knew I had to take action. God gave me the strength I needed to run faster than I ever have in my life, literally.

In a nanosecond, my mind rapidly went over how to escape and live. Oh! I remembered the pipe. We kept pipes in strategic locations for safety because a lot of our large animals and predators could be dangerous. Thankfully, someone left a pipe for me by the gate. Instead of just threatening the buck, it would make the situation worse, my anger came to the surface. I figured that may buy me some more time because he stopped and genuinely looked surprised.

“Now you're gonna get it!” I had the heavy pipe, choked down about a third of the way up on the bottom. Already in a full charge, his head down, and antlers aimed at my chest I ran to the gate as fast as I could. I called him some choice words right as I smacked him right between his rutty blood red eyes. He backed up, pawing the ground, throwing clods of earth on his wide back. Can he be stopped? At least than one healthy blow to the head gave me some time to escape.

Before I opened the gate, he started to approach me again. But his time, I think he got the message. I hit him so hard, blood dripped down on his face, he couldn’t see anything! “Gotta go!” I yelled as I opened the gate, ran through and clipped the padlock. The big elk just shook off the dirt and walked away as if to say, " Oh well. I sure did chase that one away." In his world, in the wild, he behaved as any bull elk would to protect his habitat.

Still angry and scared, also relieved and shaky, I sat down on the safe ground for a minute as my heart slowed down. I didn’t feel brave for saving my own life.

I felt guilty for going into the habitat alone during rut. In the habit of feeding them alone, the tractor made it faster and easier to drive to the feeding area. I thought I'd be safe on wheels.My Comment: Since this is the "lesson learned," you should show the narrator feeling strong and invincible as she drives the tractor into the preserve.

I made a mistake. Or should I say, “Again.” Working with native wildlife is not like training horses or rustling cows. Wild animals have something deep inside that can come out at any time. I’ve seen Billy, the baby buffalo, running like the wind in his small paddock, swapping ends without missing a beat. Everyone shoud be extra carefull around wild animals or "tame" wild animals. These animals, unpredicable, can seriously hurt or kill someone.

A strong employee moved the tractor when the elk were busy. I wasn't going in that habitat until the rutting season is over.

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out my essay

on short stories.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

228

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3889709

Review of the winter conference

Review by

In affiliation with Mainstream Novel Workshop Group

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Hi, my name is Max. I found your story on "Please Review"

. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
__________
Item Reviewed: "the winter conference"

Author myron x

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

__________
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

__________

Plot
A famous publisher has noticed Myron's short stories on the internet and invited him to a villa in the south of France to discuss a publishing deal. While there, he meets the enigmatic Mr. Upchurch and the glamorous spouse of the publisher, who has a publishing company of her own. By the end of the chapter, we learn that not everything is at it first seems, and there may be more intrigue that meets the eye.

__________

Style and Voice
First person, in Myron's head. No slips. While about 30% of published fiction uses first person narrators, I note that this is a challenging choice for various technical reasons. I've commented on some of these in the line-by-line remarks below.

__________

Referencing
Modern era, clearly established.

__________

Scene/Setting
Just right for my taste, and certainly enough for staging purposes. The descriptions establish not only the setting and the positioning of the characters, but helped with both mood and characterization. Great job here!

__________

Characters
Myron's voice is strong and credible. Upchurch is more than a bit enigmatic, and we meet him through his words and deeds. He's got a fine sense of mystery and an edge of menace about him, all achieved with a remarkable economy of words. The publisher's spouse, Mena, flits in and out in a credible minor role.

Dialog.

I thought the dialogue in this chapter was really exceptional. This is clearly one of your great strengths. The cadence and pacing were just about perfect, and each character had a distinct voice. Really excellent work here.

__________

Grammar

Comma Splices.

A comma splice occurs when you have two complete sentences joined by a comma where a period or semicolon should be used. I've marked one or more of these in the line-by-line comments below.

Commas.

I thought I saw some comma errors. I'm terrible with commas, so I won't try to point them out. Instead, here's a great reference:
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_c...
I've read it, and they're still a mystery to me. I hope it helps!

__________

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story. Some of my comments below expand on this basic idea.

There are some really awesome things about this chapter. Your use of dialogue, for example, not only was near perfect in terms of craft and characterization, you used it to convey information about the characters. For example, the exchange about Coltrane and Miles Davis spoke volumes about both characters, and gave us some deep insights int Myron.

The tension is pretty good, too, but I think it could be stronger. Of course, this was only 800 words long, and I don't know where you're headed. However, I think we need a clearer sense of the stakes for both Myron and Upchurch, and I think we need a somewhat stronger hook at the end. What you've got is pretty good, but making it dig a tad more deeply into Myron would, I think, help with tension.

In any case, this is a great start to your novel. I really enjoyed it. Keep writing!!!!

__________

Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
__________
It seemed too good to be true, even after the plane landed. Jacob Calibri, CEO of Calibri Media International, invited me to a writers conference in the south of France. Though he wouldn't publish me on his scholarly imprint, The Calibri Press, he said he had a good friend in Europe who insisted on meeting me after reading some of my short stories on the internet. Calibri even had me named as an honored guest, with a free first class ride and a twenty five hundred dollar honorarium.My Comment: Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

The two opening paragraphs here orient the reader in space and time, establish the voice of your first person narrator, and give us a general sense of the events leading up to this point. These are all good things. However, I do have some suggestions and reactions.

My first reaction is that these opening paragraphs are all narrated background: you are telling your readers this information, as opposed to showing it. Modern readers prefer to encounter your characters and your fictional world holistically, the same way they encounter the real world. Instead of immediately immersing your readers in your fictional world, your narrator stands outside the world, looking on, telling the readers how he came to be there, telling us about the weather, and so on. Much of this is essential information, to be sure, but it's all revealed in narrative form instead of through the words and deeds of your characters.

Now, I do admit that you've done a great job of establishing the voice of your narrator. But these "info-dumps"--as editors and agents call them--are one of the problematic characteristics of first person narration. Instead of immersing the readers in the here-and-now of the fictional world, they distance readers from the characters, the plot, and the story. That's why editors hate them. They are one of the heuristics that editors use in deciding whether or not read your submission. Thus, no matter how good your opening chapter is--and this one is quite good--launching with an info-dump will almost certainly move your chapter to the "do not read" pile before the editor has a chance to appreciate the good things you've done here.

Thus, my main suggestion for this is to find a way to start in the middle of things, and then reveal the necessary information to understand what's going on only as the readers absolutely need to know it. In this chapter, for example, the action starts about four paragraphs in when Upchurch shows up, so that's where I'd consider starting this. Do keep some opening information, so that readers will know our narrator is sitting in a courtyard, maybe that it's raining, and that he's drinking bourbon and cokes...then have footfalls disturb his reverie. He looks up, and recognizes Upchurch, and you're off to the races.

It was winter and the weather was described to me as "unpredictable". My Comment: "was described" is passive voice, which tends to put your readers in a passive, receptive mood. Instead, you want them to be your active partners in imagining your fictional world. For this reason, passive voice is generally something to avoid. Here, for example, you might say, "The travel brochure warned me the weather here was unpredictable." Alternatively, maybe a phone call from the publisher warned him (which is a way to sneak in the background information that a publisher invited him here without the info-dump).

I was sitting on an iron lawn chair with under leafless trees listening to the wind. My Comment: typo: extra word.

I heard footsteps getting closer. My Comment: It's almost always more immediate and intimate for the readers to describe directly what he heard instead of telling us he heard it. You're in your narrator's head, so they will infer that he heard the steps. Indeed, that little step of inference helps to draw readers into the narrator's head and hence into the story. If you want to emphasize that he heard the steps, have him look up and recognize Upchruch.

You must remember to these people you are of the streets, but you can put a sentence together. My Comment: This is one of those places where I think you need a comma, in this case after "remember."

You meet her, you'll have to smack yourself to stop staring. Her problem is she wants to beat you over the head with what she knows, you know the type.My Comment: two comma splices

It is very nice to meet you Myron X. My Comment: We're halfway through the chapter before we learn the narrator's name. This is another characteristic challenge of first person narration. Naming your character helps readers identify with him--and establishes his gender! It would be a simple matter to have Upchurch use Myron's name earlier in their dialogue.

__________

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out my essay

on short stories.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

229

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3886810

Review of Nameless 2.0 (Possibly a chapter 1)

Review by

In affiliation with Mainstream Novel Workshop Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi, this is Max. Thank you for asking me to review your chpater. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
__________
Item Reviewed: "Nameless 2.0 (Possibly a chapter 1)"

Author Richard T. Clark

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

__________
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

__________

Plot
Peter waits in darkness outside his home where his wife Elena is giving birth. The tension increases as her birthing screams echo in the night. Finally, the midwife appears with a squirming bundle, and Peter knows from her eyes the news is not good...The gods have not smiled, and now he must do his duty

__________

Style and Voice
Third person limited, first in Peter's head and then in the head of one of the gods, Gorin.

__________

Referencing
We learn of this peculiar world through the words and deeds of the characters. There is just enough information to understand what they are doing, with plenty of mystery that adds to the tension. Great work here.

__________

Scene/Setting
Good work here, too. Enough for staging, and enough to add to the tension and the world-building.

__________

Characters
Peter's tortured soul comes through clearly from his words, deeds and thoughts. Gorin's more routine, matter-of-fact response to events makes him all the more chilling.

Good dialogue, too, between Peter and his nephew.

__________

Grammar

Commas.

I thought I saw some comma errors. I'm terrible with commas, so I won't try to point them out. Instead, here's a great reference:
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_c...
I've read it, and they're still a mystery to me. I hope it helps!

Adverbs.

You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

__________

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

I think you've got a great start to a novel here. The tension ramps up well, and the short scene at the end is a chilling hook. There's great mystery, and we have a good sense of what your protagonist, Peter, wants.

I've made quite a few technical comments in the line-by-line remarks below--easy little things to think about tweaking. But overall, I think this is an excellent start.

Thanks for sharing and for asking me to read it!

__________

Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
__________

Another scream issued forth from the house, piercing the starless night. Peter's gut tightened with an anxiety that seemed to match the increased intensity of Elena's pain. The screameds died gradually, followed by calm voices attempting to soothe Elena. The murmuring had its effect on Peter as well, the knot in his stomach loosening slightly.

My Comment: This is a great opening. You name your point of view character and you put the reader in his head with the intimate, internal sensation of his gut tightening. There's excellent tension that foreshadows the plot of the scene--and the book as well. You also orient the reader in space and time. Good work!

I do have some minor tweaks to suggest. First, I'd put Peter's gut tightening in the first sentence instead of the scene-setting "starless night," the reason being that it establishes the point of view in the first sentence. The way it is now, it's like the narrator is standing outside the story, telling the reader what's happening. The sooner you can make it Peter experiencing events, the better.

Second, it wasn't 100% clear that Elena was Peter's wife until the 2nd or 3rd page. I'd clarify that right here. There's also no reason for the fact that she's giving birth to be a mystery from the readers--although I certainly understand why the two men aren't discussing it.

There's a typo in the third sentence. Also note the adverb--"gradually." Why not a more precise verb, like "faded?"

His nephew, Jacob sat across from him idley carving on a plank of wood. My Comment: typo: idly

The boy had fidgeted during the last scream and the knife had slipped barely missing his palm.
No, that wasn't right: he was seventeen now, a man now. My Comment: "now" repeats. Be careful about repeating words and phrases, as this runs the risk of making your prose sound monotone.

An omen of impending punishment for his and Elena's sins, or just a breeze foretelling a thunderstorm on warm starless night? My Comment: Fragment. That's generally okay, since you're in Peter's head and this is what he's thinking. But this one's pretty long. If you split it into two sentences, it would feel more like an internal thought.

Since you're in deep 3rd person limited, it's not necessary to put internal thoughts in italics unless your transcribing a sub-verbalized thought. If this were for YA or children, they need the extra cue of italics to let them know it's an internal thought, but for this chapter italics would be optional.

Elena screamed again, bringing a tightening to Peter's stubbled jawline. My Comment: He can't see his jawline, so this is a point of view violation. If he were to run his fingers across it, then he could feel the stubble and so you could then use the adjective "stubbled."

Sarah had only been ten, full of life and curiosity. Peter remembered the last conversation they'd had over breakfast that morning. “Daddy, will you teach me to ride today? Please?”My Comment: I have a couple of comments about this little flash back.

I don't have anything against flashbacks. They can be an author's friend, increasing dramatic tension, explaining prior events without dropping into author narration, and serve other purposes. But almost everyone agrees that a flashback in an opening chapter is a mistake. There are several reasons for this.

First, every flashback disrupts the flow of the story and takes the reader out of the here-and-now of events. This is particularly dangerous in an opening chapter, where the readers don't yet know the characters, where they live, or how the interact with each other and their world. Thus, a flashback descripts the fictional dream and pulls the reader out of the story. These are dangers even in a later chapter, but they are particularly acute in an opening chapter.

Secondly, flashbacks can be confusing. Here, for example, it sounds like this having the same morning as the current scene ("over breakfasts that morning"). Yet, based on the subsequent narrative, I don't think that's the case at all. This highlights a technical challenge with flashbacks: the transition from the fictional present to the past and then the return to the present. If these aren't 100% clear, readers will become confused and disoriented.

Remember, you've got an entire novel to relate what happened to Sarah. Do readers have to know this information right now, this instant, in order to understate what Peter is about to do and how his nephew, wife and others react? If the answer is yes, I'm still not convinced that a snippet of dialogue wouldn't be a more effective way of communicating this information than a flashback--especially one as short as this one.

. Peter could hear a hushed undercurrent of urgent encouragement from Jacob's wife, Ashlin. My Comment: Phrases like "Peter could hear" are telling and filter the sensory information through his head. It's almost always more immediate and intimate to just describe what he could hear directly. You're in Peter's POV, so readers will infer that he "heard" it--indeed, that little step of inference helps to draw them into his head and your story. If you want to emphasize he heard it, have him react in some way.

making its way toward the base of the candle. Peter made his way My Comment: Another repetition...Here, both the wax and Peter "make their way..."

As thou they could undo the gods will, Peter thought bitterly. My Comment: typo: "though." Thought tags--"Peter thought"--are not used. The editorial convention is to use italics if you are directly quoting an internal thought. Note, too, the adverb. Can you give us a more visceral way of inferring he's being "blithe?"

b}

everyone new the way. His feet carried him passed modest houses and farms, his daughter stirring lightly in his arms. He passed the Millers farm.

My Comment: Typos: "knew," "past," and "Millers'" (with an apostrophe).

Michael and Rosa were staying there for the night. My Comment: who are they? I'm guessing his other children?

There moon cast slight shadows veiled by the cloudsMy Comment: This phrasing implies the shadows are veiled by the clouds.

slightly muffling the little sucking sounds from his little girl.My Comment: "Little" repeats--see comment above.

A path traveled to often,My Comment: typo: too

His own desire to raise his daughter was tempting the gods to unleash their wrath on the hole town. My Comment: typo: whole

his acceptance of the reclamation task. He could have refused the task My Comment: "task" repeats

The PDF sphere grew brightly momentarily,My Comment: I'd find another name/abbreviation. When I read this, I thought, "What do portable document formats have to do with anything?" The phrase "particle disruptor field" is separated by several sentences from the abbreviation and it's not capitalized or otherwise denoted to help cue the reader that it might be abbreviated later--or at least help the reader go back and scan the text for it. (I know, I know: it shouldn't really be capitalized. But you need to do something to better connect the abbreviation with the term, especially as everyone already knows what a PDF is--but they know the wrong KIND of PDF.)

__________

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out my essay

on short stories.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

230

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3881153

Review of Apple on Eden

Review by

In affiliation with Mainstream Novel Workshop Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi, my name is Max. I found your story on "Please Review"

. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
__________
Item Reviewed: "Apple on Eden"

Author S.A. Merk

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

__________
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

__________

Plot
Adam, a gardener, rides home on a monorail in the Outer Rim when a winsome young woman appears. Three snake-like salesmen accost her, but Adam intervenes and saves her. She's young--young enough to be his daughter--but she's alluring, too. When she leaves, she offers him an apple.

__________

Style and Voice
Third person limited, with a tiny bobble at the end.

__________

Referencing
We're in the future when natural fruit is rare, violence is common, and temptation rests...on a razor's edge.

__________

Scene/Setting
Sufficient for staging...no more is required.

__________

Characters
Your characters float through this as tropes, symbols, for a bigger story. Still, Adam, Lucy and the salesmen are all credible, speaking in their own voices.

__________

Grammar

Adverbs.

You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

__________

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

I thought the pace at the start of the story was a little slow and had a bit more telling than I would have preferred. The story really starts when Lucy enters the car, so the sooner you can hit that point, the better. In addition, if you could add a tinge of danger to the setting, I think would also help the tension.

Overall, though, I loved this story. The symbolism is well handled--Adam works in a garden, the monorail is called "Eden," the description of the "salesman" is close enough to "snake-like" to fit, and then there's the sexual tension and the apple, with the hidden razor blade inside. That's all great work! I confess I don't catch the significance of Lucy's name, but I'm sure that's just a deficiency on my part.

I had a few minor quibbles with wording here and there, but nothing major. I really enjoyed this story, and I'm glad I happened across it this morning. Thanks for sharing!!!!

__________

Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
__________
oddly identical haircuts mumbling shop.My Comment: "Oddly identical" doesn't say what they haircuts were like. The other parts of the description are explicit and paint a precise picture, but this last doesn't.

Adam quickly scanned for the tell-tale bulge of a hidden weaponMy Comment: This is our first hint that people walk around with concealed weapons. I wonder if you could establish that earlier--maybe just mention in passing that the guy snogging above twisted and his switchblade (or whatever) glinted in the sunlight. That alerts the readers about the underlying culture and prepares them for this.

. A wince quickly erased any confidence remaining in his face.My Comment: This is the fourth instance of "quickly" in the lasts 4-5 paragraphs--frequent enough that I noticed. Repeating words and phrases runs the risk of making your prose seem monotone. Most of these are just needless speed bumps that slow the pacing.

While he had tried to keep a watchful eye My Comment: I like the symbolism of the changing eye color, too, and here Adam keeping an "eye" on the salesmen...

rubbed his arm gently. My Comment: this is one of those weak verb/adverb combinations I mentioned...maybe "caressed" his arm?

un-replicated piece of fruit. He could already smell the juicy white flesh. Before he knew it, the fruit was in Adam’s hand.My Comment: "fruit" used in successive sentences. Repeating words and phrases runs the risk of making your prose seem monotone.

before Adam could notice the salesman’s bloody shirt...or the slit in the apple where the razorblade had been.My Comment: This is a slight POV bobble, where the author intrudes to tell us what Adam did NOT notice.

__________

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out my essay

on short stories.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

231

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3873960

Review of Squatters

Review by

In affiliation with Mainstream Novel Workshop Group

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Hi, my name is Max. I found your story on "Please Review"

. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
__________
Item Reviewed: "Squatters"

Author EricAnderson

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

__________
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

__________

Plot
We meet our squatter peeping at a young woman from her closet. As the story develops, the threat to the woman becomes less specific while the threat to the 99% escalates.

__________

Style and Voice
First person. We have an unreliable narrator, possibly delusional but well-educated, leading us down the alleyways of his mind and his life. The narrator free-associates his way through the young woman's apartment, and his psychosis--or is it his reality?--becomes plainer.

__________

Referencing
Modern era, told through the eyes of one of the invisible people.

__________

Scene/Setting
Sufficient for staging...I could have used a touch more. See further comments below.

__________

Characters
This is all about the narrator. He used to be a guy with a family, a job, a home. Then he got downsized. An interesting word that. He loses is job, then his home, and finally his family. He becomes invisible to those still populating his old world. He floats through their homes, taking just what he needs, and they can't see him, nor do they miss the things he steals. What is essential to him for survival is trivial to them.

__________

Grammar
I made one or two minor comments in the line-by-line...nothing major.

__________

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

I REALLY like the premise of this story. The opening is terrific, and immediately drew me in. The narrator is at once chilling and sympathetic. The threat to the woman is palpable, and the tension grows...at the start.

HOwever, I thought the tension dissipated as the story evolved. The threats became less specific as the narrator started telling us things. He told us about life on the street, about how he lost his job, about the idea of group consciousness. Finally, he told us about his connection with other invisible ones. The threat at the end isn't to the woman, it's to everyone.

Now, what makes this story powerful is exactly that: the threat IS to everyone. The threat, if I read you correctly, comes from the complacency our economic stratification generates, creating an invisible underclass that--for now--nibbles at us in unnoticed ways. That's a situation that cannot last, and that's what the story is really about. These are powerful ideas. But you TELL the reader all these things. Even as the threat broadens and is explained, it dissipates. A good rule is that if your character has to stop and explain stuff to the reader, chances are pretty good that the story has stopped, too.

I think this would be a better story if you stayed focused on the squatter and this woman. Show him avoiding a place where the floorboards squeak. Maybe there's a dent in a door from where one of his children threw a toy--reveal that he once lived there real-time, by showing things, as opposed to by telling. Similarly, have him actually hear the voices of the group consciousness, have him respond. Don't tell us these things, show them.

This will make a longer story, of course. You may want to simplify some of the elements without sacrificing the basic thematic content. Or you might want to make this into a longer story. Indeed, I think there are enough original ideas here in this short piece to create a novel.

So...I really liked this. The thematic material is timely and powerful. The concept of squatters like the narrator being unseen in our very homes is awesome, and fits perfectly with your thematic material. The tension at the outset is fantastic, too. I just think that once the threat becomes less specific and more general, it loses it's punch.

Do keep at it! This is full of excellent ideas, and the writing is quite good.

__________

Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
__________
(along with some other body parts)My Comment: Most editors will prefer an em-dash to parentheses for comments of this sort.

I hear music and laughter, and her voice on the phone. She has a nice voice.My Comment: Phrase like "I hear" tell the reader what he's hearing and, in doing so, filter the sensory information. You're firmly in your narrator's head: readers will know he "heard" the sounds. It's more immediate and intimate if you just describe them directly. If you want to emphasize he heard them, have him react in some way.

All my proselytizing aside, I am simply a thief. I only steal what I need. Clothes for my back, food enough to fill my stomach. I spread out what I take across a dozen or so homes. You’d be amazed how much can go missing from even middle-class people before they even start to notice. I sleep in closets, in basements, in bathtubs, sometimes I luck out and there’s a guestroom. Sleeping in a soft warm bed is nearly orgasmic after so long nesting in abandoned buildings like a rat. My Comment: This whole idea is chilling, but it's all narrated. It would be more immediate and intimate--and threatening--for the readers if you showed him actually doing these things, in real-time. Keep the reader in the here-and-now of the story instead of pulling away to what he's done in the past or ruminations on what other people think and do.

I linger in this house, long after the girl goes out to meets her friends.My Comment: typo

__________

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out my essay

on short stories.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

232

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3870727

Review of Final Waters

Review by

In affiliation with Mainstream Novel Workshop Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

** Image ID #1709415 Unavailable **

Hi, my name is Max. Thank you for posting this item on "Crosstimbers Review Forum"

. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you.
________________
Item Reviewed: "Final Waters"

Author Holly Anderson

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

________________
Remember, a review is just one person's opinion. Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to critique my own work. I hope you find something useful here, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. Please know that suggestions are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

________________

Plot
Danny struggles to cope with the illness and loss of his beloved grandfather.

________________

Point of view and style
While mostly from the viewpoint of Danny, this story really uses an omniscient narrator, in which the author stands outside the fictional events, looking in.

This narrative style dominated 19th century literature and continued well into the 20th. However, it has all but disappeared from commercial fiction today. About 30% of all contemporary fiction uses a first person narrator, while the overwhelming majority of the remainder uses third person limited.

In third person limited, for each scene the author chooses one character to provide the point of view. The reader can know what that character sees, hears, smells, and otherwise senses. The reader can know what that character thinks, as well. But the reader has to infer these things about all the other characters through their words and deeds. The idea is that the author places the readers into the head of one character, and then the readers encounter the fictional world through that character in a holistic manner, the same way we encounter the real world. That's supposed to help draw the reader into the story and thus into the fictional world.

A novel can--and usually does--have many point-of-view characters, but there should be only one for each scene.

In line-by-line remarks, I've noted some of the places that pull the reader outside Danny's head and into that of an omniscient narrator. Many of these are simply things that he couldn't see--such as his tears in the opening paragraph.

So, one suggestion for this story is to make the relatively minor revisions to keep the reader firmly planted inside Danny's head, instead of looking at events from outside his mind.

________________

Referencing
All consistent.

________________

Scene/Setting
There are some lovely descriptions here. In line with the comment above, personalizing some of these to Danny would help make them more immediate and intimate for the readers. In the opening paragraph, for example, you might have the cold wind prickle his cheeks, or you might have his throat tighten as he clutches the urn.

________________

Characters
This is all about Danny first facing and then coping with his loss and guilt. You have a good handle on his emotions...although mostly you tell reader things instead of showing them.

________________

Grammar

Comma Splices.

A comma splice occurs when you have two complete sentences joined by a comma where a period or semicolon should be used. I've marked one or more of these in the line-by-line comments below.

Adverbs.

You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

________________

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the fictional world. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

This story includes some pivotal scenes from Danny's recent past. There is Christmas, when he's shocked and grieving over his grandfather's appearance. Later, he avoids visiting his grandfather, faking an illness. Then, two days later, there's the phone call. These are powerful events, packed with emotion. But...you tell them all in narrated form, instead of showing them, real-time, as they happen. Narration distances the reader from the emotional content and makes this less like a fictional dream and more like journalism, recounting the facts. Readers need to experience your fictional world holistically, in the here-and-now evolution of events, just as they experience the real world.

Later, you do relate in real time the events at the funeral and afterwards, showing Danny grieving and confronting his own guilt. This epiphany is the emotional climax of the story, and is well done. The earlier incidents that lead up to this need the same kind of attention--they need to be shown, in exactly the same way you show this incident. I'm certain that this would give this story more emotional power.

Finally, the main part of the story is a flashback, framed by opening and closing paragraphs in the present. I like the symmetry, but I'm not convinced that it helps to launch the fictional dream. Just as the reader becomes oriented to Danny sitting on the bluff, we are pulled away and into the past. This interrupts the fictional dream and tends to pull the reader out of the story. I get that you want to use this location as a touchstone for the relationship, but I wonder if it wouldn't be better to tell the story in order and avoid the flashback.

In any case, I enjoyed reading this portrait of a young man coming to terms with loss and guilt. You've nailed the emotional profile, and the pivotal incidents all resonate with his evolution and character change. Thanks for sharing, and do keep writing!

________________

Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
________________
Gleaming from the light of the looming full moon, the tears flowing like waterfalls from Danny’s eyes were not easy to hide. Luckily, he was all alone up on the bleak cliff edge, legs hanging over the tumultuous waters below. In daylight this spot was always teaming with tourists, whether they were watching the yachts, with their sails spanning all colours of the spectrum, or simply looking out at mainland Portsmouth, attempting to spot landmarks such as the Spinnaker Tower. Tonight however, the cold easterly winds that were making the sea so unsettled were also keeping even the most intrepid of holiday makers at bay. My Comment: The opening identifies your protagonist, lets us know he's grieving, and includes some good descriptions. The descriptions, though, feel a bit like someone standing outside the story telling the reader stuff, rather than Danny musing about his location. For example, Danny can't see his tears gleaming, presumably on his cheeks. The sentence about the tourists also feels like an omniscient narrator. If, instead, a crumpled and empty pack of Marlboros left over from the afternoon tourists might skitter in the breeze. His throat might tighten while he thinks that was Grandfather's brand. Now you've established the same information and more: we know why he's mourning. If the harbor looks empty to him, not filled with the colorful sails like the last time the two of them visited, you've again personalized the description and deepened the point of view. You know your characters far better than I, so I'm sure you can come up with better ways to do this than these weak examples.

His granddad had been diagnosed with terminal bowel cancer in December the previous year and Danny had last seen him on Christmas Day.My Comment: Everything in the next four paragraphs is the author intruding to tell the reader things. Each of these little events should be a separate scene, with people moving, sensing, speaking. On Christmas day, the scent of pine and the merry glow of the lights in the tree can contrast with Grandfather's appearance. We need to hear him speak, and feel Danny's emotional responses. The same is true for the other incidents.

The day of the cremation Danny woke before sunrise My Comment: Notice the contrast here. This part of the story evolves in real time, starting before sunrise. Danny avoids the squeaky floorboards, he tries to cry, he remembers sneaking tobacco from his grandfather. There's the service, the call from the pastor, his mother's anger and their conversation. This is awesome--and emotionally wrenching, too, but that's the point. We need the emotional intensity to build to this scene.

he knew would awaken his lightly sleeping Mother.My Comment: This is one of those adverbs I mentioned. How does he know she's "lightly sleeping?" That's telling the reader what he concluded, not the physical observation that led to the conclusion. Perhaps he peaks into her room, and she stirs on the bed and murmurs inchoate words. Something that shows her being restless as opposed to telling it would be better.

Please Danny, don’t feel guilty, Granddad knew you loved him.My Comment: Comma splice--you need a period or semicolon after "guilty."

________________

Ratings Ratings imply measuring work against a pre-determined set of standards. In a diverse place like Writng.Com, no such universal standard can exist. Further, the purpose of this review to help us both improve as authors. Ratings can only distract from that goal.

Several informal surveys show that that the average rating on WDC is 4, so I assign a 4 to everything I review. Thus, please don't give any weight to my rating, but know instead that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Remember, any review is just one person's opinion. The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks for sharing this item! There are hundreds of items on WDC that I could have selected for review. I selected yours because I liked it. I truly did enjoy reading this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
Check out my essay

on short stories.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

233

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3870669

Review of A Prayer For You, For Me

Review by

In affiliation with Mainstream Novel Workshop Group

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

** Image ID #1709415 Unavailable **

Hi, my name is Max. Thank you for posting this item on "Crosstimbers Review Forum"

. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you.
________________
Item Reviewed: "A Prayer For You, For Me"

Author C. T. Hill

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

________________
Remember, a review is just one person's opinion. Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to critique my own work. I hope you find something useful here, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. Please know that suggestions are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

________________

Plot
A young girl roams her home, where she finds her abusive and drunken father, her hopeless mother, and her mother's forlorn father. The tension builds as her memories unfold, and then release comes, and hope.

________________

Point of view and style
First person, in the young girl's head. Flawless.

________________

Referencing
Modern era, with no inconsistencies. Probably a rural setting, not that it matters.

________________

Scene/Setting
Sufficient for staging--the position of the characters was always clear. There was just enough description to enhance mood and help the reader visualize location without being intrusive.

________________

Characters
I know characters like these exist. I read about them in the newspaper. Your story breathes life into them, and into the horror that they live.

________________

Grammar
I found a couple of minor things to whine about, noted in the line-by-line remarks below. I wish I could produce copy this clean. Good job!

________________

Just my personal opinion
From its opening line to the denouement, this story grabs you by the throat and makes you read. This is magnificent writing, with perfect pacing, voice, and characterization. The award was certainly well-deserved.

Thanks for asking me to read this. You have remarkable talent, and this story is powerful indeed.

________________

Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
________________
Mother told me a prayer once, one that explained my death, though I cannot recall it. My Comment: Great opening sentence. Who couldn't read more after this?

My one quibble is that I had to stop and puzzle over the antecedent for "it:" is it the narrator's death or is it the prayer. Having finished the story, I'm pretty sure it's the prayer. For clarity, I'd suggest saying "I can't recall the words." With this terrific opening, you don't want readers stopping to think, "Wait. What is it exactly she can't recall?" You want the propelled into the story itself.

A couple of other minor suggestions. The gender of the narrator isn't clear until the father says, "She's gone now." Is there a way to give the gender earlier?

I'm also struck by the fact that the narrator is nameless. The anonymity certainly contributes to the theme and mood of the story--she's just one of the myriad nameless victims of abuse. However, from the standpoint of drawing readers into the story, it can help to give her a name early on. It also would nail down the gender earlier.

while the incandescent light baths the room in a dull, yellow glow.My Comment: This is one of many rich descriptions. Note the typo: "bathes," not "baths."

I hear the front door crash shut. My Comment: Phrases like "I hear" tell the reader what she hears and filter the sensory information through the narrator. This makes the sound less immediate and intimate for the readers. Since you're solidly in your narrator's head, it's generally better to describe directly what she heard--readers will infer that she "heard" it. That little step of inference helps to draw readers into her head and thus into the story. If you want to emphasize that she heard it, have her react in some way.

Grandpa peers out into the yard cautiously before finally coming out. He crosses the yard to where Mother sits and helps her up.My Comment: "Yard" appears twice in close succession. Repeating words and phrases runs the risk of making your prose seem monotone. I think it would be clear to just omit the second instance, or perhaps to have him step outside and then cross to where Mother sits...

One night a few weeks later, he decided that he didn’t need baths anymore.My Comment: I think you mean he decided that *I* didn't need baths...

but he recovered quickly. “She is a fighter.”My Comment: Here, I liked the little mystery about who is a fighter, resolved later. For verisimilitude, I'd consider using a contraction in the dialogue, "She's a fighter."

I see the light shimmer, My Comment: "I see" is like "I heard" above.

________________

Ratings Ratings imply measuring work against a pre-determined set of standards. In a diverse place like Writng.Com, no such universal standard can exist. Further, the purpose of this review to help us both improve as authors. Ratings can only distract from that goal.

Several informal surveys show that that the average rating on WDC is 4, so I assign a 4 to everything I review. Thus, please don't give any weight to my rating, but know instead that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Remember, any review is just one person's opinion. The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks for sharing this item! There are hundreds of items on WDC that I could have selected for review. I selected yours because I liked it. I truly did enjoy reading this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
Check out my essay

on short stories.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

234

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3862444

Review of Mercy - Chapter 1

Review by

In affiliation with Mainstream Novel Workshop Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi, my name is Max. I found your story on "Newbies" page. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
__________
Item Reviewed: "Mercy - Chapter 1"

Author Marie Palmer

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

__________
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

First, I see that you are quite new to Writing.Com, so I'd like to add my personal welcome to the site. This is a great place to learn and grow as an author, and to make new friends, both professional personal. I hope you find your time here as rewarding as I've found mine.

I selected your piece for review in part because I try to review new authors who write gay-themed fiction and in part because I was intrigued with the idea of polar opposite twin brothers. This story promises interesting characters, a potential triangle, and lots of conflict!

__________

Plot
In this chapter we meet Andrew Pryce and his best friend and roommate David. It seems that Andrew is a bit of a playboy, with many one-night stands to his credit. Indeed, we meet him as he's sneaking away from his most recent conquest, hoping to leave before the "doe-eyed" young guy wakes up. He rushes home, where he brags to David about his conquest. David hangs on every word, and they plan on going out together that night.

__________

Style and Voice
Based on the fact that this chapter puts the readers in Andrew's head and David's head at various points, I conclude that it uses an omniscient narrator, in which the author stands outside the fictional events, looking in. The author knows the internal thoughts of all the characters; in fact, the author knows everything.

This narrative style dominated 19th century literature and continued well into the 20th. However, it has all but disappeared from commercial fiction today. About 30% of all contemporary fiction uses a first person narrator, while the overwhelming majority of the remainder uses third person limited.

In third person limited, for each scene the author chooses one character to provide the point of view. The reader can know what that character sees, hears, smells, and otherwise senses. The reader can know what that character thinks, as well. But the reader has to infer these things about all the other characters through their words and deeds. The idea is that the author places the readers into the head of one character, and then the readers encounter the fictional world through that character in a holistic manner, the same way we encounter the real world. That's supposed to help draw the reader into the story and thus into the fictional world.

A novel can--and usually does--have many point-of-view characters, but there should be only one for each scene.

My first, and most important, suggestion for this chapter thus has to do with point of view. I would suggest settling on one character--most likely Andrew--to provide the point of view for this chapter. Presumably, other chapters and other scenes will have other point of view characters. For this one, though, David is at the center of things, and so the readers should see events through his eyes, ears, and other senses. This will greatly increase the intimacy and immediacy of your fictional world for readers, and will help to draw them into your story.

To help you spot the places where the POV seemed to wobble from one character to the next, I marked some of these in the line-by-line remarks below.

__________

Referencing
Most likely modern era. You could nail it if Andrew, for example, checked his mobile phone for text messages.

__________

Scene/Setting
This was sufficient for staging, but still a little sparse. I wouldn't overdo it, but a few details, either in the apartment where he wakes or later, in the apartment he shares with David, would help. In his home, little details can help inform character, too. For example, is it neat or messy? Do bills pile up? How about photos--maybe there's a photo of his twin someplace.

__________

Characters
The dialogue between David and Andrew was pretty good, and quite revealing of both their characters. They are caught up in a hedonistic life of one-night stands, casual sex, and lack of intimacy. Except that the two of them, together, clearly share the intimacy of close friendship. There's a tiny hint of suppressed sexual energy between them, which adds a nice bit of tension.

You did a great job with the banter between the two men.

__________

Grammar
I saw a few typos, noted in the line-by-line remarks below.

Commas.

I thought I saw some comma errors. I'm terrible with commas, so I won't try to point them out. Instead, here's a great reference:
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_c...
I've read it, and they're still a mystery to me. I hope it helps!

Adverbs.

You don't overuse adverbs (there are around 40 in this chapter), but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

__________

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story. This notion of the "fictional dream" is one of the main reasons for the suggestions above on point of view.

Your characters are both quite interesting, and I've certainly known many men--gay and straight--who are like them. They lack the inclination or ability for introspection into the nature of their of lives and the possible hurt it might do to themselves and others. They live for the moment, often not seeing a crash coming. Since you'll have three characters--David, Andrew, and his identical twin Avery, you'll have lots of opportunity to explore different trajectories for your characters.

So...I enjoyed the character development. However, I didn't much like either character. Both struck me as narcissistic and shallow. If readers don't like your characters, they need some other reason to keep the pages turning. The usual answer to that is tension: introduce some explicit element of danger or tension and even with unlikable characters, readers will keep on going. However, there's not really any tension in this opening chapter.

The problem is, there is no "hook."

There are some ways to fix this. If you want your characters to actually be likable, have them do something altruistic. Screenwriters call this "saving the cat"--a character can't be bad if he saves a stray cat. I'm not saying you do this explicitly with a cat, but if Andrew did something kind during his walk of shame, he'd come across as less of a selfish jerk. maybe he helps an old lady with a flat tire, or stops by a homeless shelter with a donation despite being short on time. maybe he's even kind to his trick.

However, even if you make your characters more likable, you've still got the problem of tension and a hook. I don't know where the plot's going, so I can't help much with that except to say that you need more explicit tension in this chapter.

Thanks for sharing this! I really did enjoy reading it and meeting your characters. I've had many friends like these guys. I know they can seem shallow and self-centered when they are just people like everyone else, with strengths and failings. I think a challenge is to help us see the strengths, too. Keep on writing, as I think this shows great promise as well.

__________

Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
__________
Andrew was quite familiar with the routine of sneaking out after a one night stand.My Comment: Starting here--and possibly with the prior paragraph--the story stops while the author tells the readers stuff. This is important stuff, to be sure, but this is not the most effective way to convey this information. Here, we're learning about Andrew's character through narration. It's more intimate and immediate if we learn these things through the words and deeds of the characters--through showing, as opposed to telling. Readers like to meet your characters and encounter your fictional world holistically, the same way they encounter the real world.

Andrew respected the quiet of the early morning walk of shame.My Comment: Here is where we return to the here-and-now of events, after a short time-reversal to describe the events of the prior night.

Andrew climbed into his car and started up the engine, My Comment: Watch out for over-use of the character's name. He's the only one in this scene, so a pronoun is clear.

Andrew was a bit of something graceful when he walked with this stance.My Comment: I'm not quite clear on the point of view here--it seems like we've slipped into David's head, since you're describing his walk as if someone is looking at him.

that doubled as a ding area. My Comment: typo: dinING area

He was excited to see his best friend. My Comment: So we're in Andrew's head after all, since you're telling his his state of mind. Is there a way you can show his excitement, as opposed to telling the reader?

David grinned, envious of whatever his friend was returning home from.My Comment: hops to David's head, since you reveal his state of mind.

he was olive completedMy Comment: typo: olive-compleCted

excited by the idea of the two of them going out and letting loose.My Comment: another instance of the author telling the reader he's exciting, as opposed to showing it.

He really did know how badly David needed to enjoy himself a little.My Comment: "badly needed" is one of those weak verb/adverb combinations I mentioned above. Perhaps "how desperation drove David" would be a more precise verb.

He liked watching the way that Andrew got carried away with his tales. My Comment: Hopped to David's head.

__________

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out my essay

on short stories.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

235

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3858910

Review of Uppity

Review by

In affiliation with FantasyHorrorSciFi Novel Works...

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi, my name is Max. I found your story on "Please Review"

. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
__________
Item Reviewed: "Uppity"

Author mikema63

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

__________
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

I see that you are relatively new to WDC, so I'd like to offer my personal welcome to the site. This is a great place to post your fiction and to learn and grow as an author. I've made many new friends here, both personal and professional. I hope that you find your time on WDC as productive and rewarding as I've found mine!!

__________

Plot
A young girl interrupts a frustrated author, and then things get really interesting. I won't spoil this delicious little plot for others who might wish to read it.

__________

Style and Voice
Third person limited, initially in Brian Trant's head and later in the head of another of his visitors.

Much as I love the last line, I do wish there was a way to stay in Brian's head throughout the story. Swapping to another point of view at the end runs the risk of pulling readers out of the here-and-now of the events as they unfold. I think a slight re-working might let you have a single point of view and keep your awesome last line.

__________

Referencing
Modern era...wait, wait...it's something else...

__________

Scene/Setting
Sufficient for staging--I could keep track of the characters in relation to each other. My personal preference would be for a touch more setting, mostly as a vehicle to reveal more of Brian's character and, perhaps, for some additional foreshadowing.

__________

Characters
The obsessed author and the obnoxious little girl were perfect--I especially liked the style of her clothing! The curator's character was a little less satisfying--the characterization felt a little rushed. The dialogue was great--it moved the story forward, and each character spoke with a unique voice.

__________

Grammar

Commas.

I thought I saw some comma errors. I'm terrible with commas, so I won't try to point them out. Instead, here's a great reference:
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_c...
I've read it, and they're still a mystery to me. I hope it helps!

I noticed some words that repeat between sentences or paragraphs. This runs the risk of making your prose seem monotone, so it's generally better to have more varied word choice. I marked one of these by way of example in the line-by-line comments below.

__________

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

This is marked as a contest entry, and it's got exactly 1000 words, so I'm guessing you're writing against a word limit. It's good practice to use word limits, as it increases the economy of your prose. However, a story is however long or short it needs to be, and sometimes a word limit imposes an artificial limitation on a good story.

I've made a few suggestions in this review for revisions. I'm guessing that if you follow some of these, you'll wind up with a story that's too long for the contest. So...I'd pick and choose to stay within the limits, but after the contest I'd consider going back and trying things out, perhaps stretching the story to 1500 words or so. I think it's worthwhile, and that your idea is creative enough to find publication.

I really enjoyed reading this story. It reminded me of a few others I've read over the years, but you brought an originality and creativity to the basic idea that I loved. In particular, I thought your tagline was terrific.

Thanks for sharing, and do keep on writing!!!

__________

Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
__________
“Not good enough!” Brian Trant pulled the paper from his typewriter and tossed it aside.

“What’s not good enough?”My Comment: Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

You've named your point-of-view character and have him doing something, both of which are good. However, there are some tweaks that I think would help to launch the fictional dream.

First, there are two disembodied voices speaking---Brian's and the girl's. We also don't have a sense of where they are or what they are doing. While we learn these things soon enough, the sooner the readers have a sense of the basic "who, what, when, where, why" questions, the better. So, for example, you might have Brian scowl at the words on the page, rip them out of his typewriter and toss them on the floor with the other wadded-up drafts of the story. Then have him sneer, "Not good enough." That establishes that he's an author, he's picky about his writing, and that the location is a bit messy--it sets the scene and foreshadows some of the story.

The problem, of course, is that this kind of thing will take more words, and you are likely writing against a parsimonious word limit. Still, I'd consider giving up some words later to have a more compelling opening.

He was in the middle of his novelMy Comment: but later he says he's finished the novel and he's working on a short story...

“You can’t just come into my apartment and go through my stuff,” he said. Making it to the front door, he grabbed the door knob and it refused to turn. He let go of the girl to wrestle with the door, but no matter what he did the door refused to yield to him. Amelia ran off crying behind him, but he didn’t pay any attention. He eventually gave up on the door and turned around.My Comment: Here's one of the places where you've got repeated words, in this case "door." This short paragraph uses this word five times, and it appears in each of the next two short paragraphs as well.

“You can’t do that,” the man said a little frightened.My Comment: Here, you're telling the reader he's frightened as opposed to showing it. This is also a small point-of-view violation: we've been in Brian's head, but now this hops into the man's head. If you just gave his voice a little quiver, readers could infer he's frightened. That little step of inference helps to draw them into the story.

On the other side the man looked back at the exhibit.My Comment: This is place where the point-of-view definitely flips to the curator. If you keep this shift, then you should give the reader a visual cue such as an extra space between the paragraphs or even three centered hash marks. That tells the readers that both the scene has changed--to outside the apartment--and the point of view has changed.

__________

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out my essay

on short stories.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

236

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3855107

Review of If Wishes Were Horses

Review by

In affiliation with Mainstream Novel Workshop Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

** Image ID #1709415 Unavailable **

Hi, my name is Max. Thank you for posting this item on "Crosstimbers Review Forum"

. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you.
________________
Item Reviewed: "If Wishes Were Horses"

Author Lesley Scott

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

________________
Remember, a review is just one person's opinion. Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to critique my own work. I hope you find something useful here, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. Please know that suggestions are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

________________

Plot
It's a cold winter's day in Winnipeg, and Jimmy and his friends are up to no good. Bored and seeking adventure, they decide to ride Mr. Dann's old mare, Sophie. But then inspiration strikes, and instead they hook Sophie up to a buggy. Poor Sophie is lonely, is elated to be useful again and gets carried away. The prank ends with the buggy upended and a rose trellis destroyed, but no animals or people harmed. As restitution, Jimmy and his friends work with Mr. Dann taking care of Sophie. Ultimately, Mr. Dann takes Jimmy under his wing, and the young man finds a purpose in life.

________________

Point of view and style
This story uses an omniscient narrator, , in which the author stands outside the fictional events, looking in. The author knows the internal thoughts of all the characters; in fact, the author knows everything.

This narrative style dominated 19th century literature and continued well into the 20th. However, it has all but disappeared from commercial fiction today. About 30% of all contemporary fiction uses a first person narrator, while the overwhelming majority of the remainder uses third person limited.

In third person limited, for each scene the author chooses one character to provide the point of view. The reader can know what that character sees, hears, smells, and otherwise senses. The reader can know what that character thinks, as well. But the reader has to infer these things about all the other characters through their words and deeds. The idea is that the author places the readers into the head of one character, and then the readers encounter the fictional world through that character in a holistic manner, the same way we encounter the real world. That's supposed to help draw the reader into the story and thus into the fictional world.

A novel can--and usually does--have many point-of-view characters, but there should be only one for each scene.

My main suggestion for this story is choose one character to provide the point-of-view. I suppose the most logical choice is Jimmy, since he's the one who has the epiphany, but my sentimental choice is Sophie. I absolutely loved the little snippets in her horsey point of view. You did a marvelous--and loving--job of putting the reader in her head. I think it would be well worth it to try to re-work the whole story, from start to finish, in Sophie's point of view if at all possible.

To help you find the kinds of things that trigger POV shifts, I've tagged a number of places in the story where the point of view hops from one character to another.

________________

Referencing
All consistent with rural Canada. Nice job!

________________

Scene/Setting
This was well done, but it was mostly told. It would be stronger if readers experienced things like the cold weather, the glint of the sunshine, and the jouncing ride from the point of view of your characters instead of through narration.

________________

Characters
For me, Sophie is the star of this story. It seems to me this is about how our animal friends can help us find meaning and purpose in life, as well as make connections with our fellow human beings. Sophie's loyalty, her loneliness, and her exuberance all drove this story and gave it special charm.

Of course, the human star is Jimmy, who finds new purpose to his life through Sophie and Mr. Dann. The other characters are there to support these two. For this reason, I'd focus a bit more closely on Jimmy at the outset, so that readers can get a better idea of why he's tagging along with the other boys and what he's like.

________________

Grammar

Comma Splices.

A comma splice occurs when you have two complete sentences joined by a comma where a period or semicolon should be used. I've marked one or more of these in the line-by-line comments below.

________________

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the fictional world. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

In addition to my comments above about point of view, I also noticed several places in your story where you lapsed into telling the reader things. It's almost always more immediate and intimate for readers to show, rather than tell, and to reveal information through the words and deeds of your characters.

I really liked this story quite a lot. It tells a charming story with nice moral, and the primary (human) character shows growth and change from the beginning to end. I think you could tweak it some, and I've given you some suggestions to that end, but it's really and nice little tale. Thanks for sharing!!!

________________

Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
________________
The early morning sun glinted off the puffy drifts of snow. The neighborhood was quiet at six o'clock this Saturday morning. The snow dowser almost had the streets scraped. Winnipeg, Canada could be beautiful whether it was snowing or blooming. The terrain was flat, and the boys could almost see the whole town. Winter had started. It is hard to imagine so soon this year. Christmas will be heading down and snow was piled high. My Comment: This same paragraph appears, almost word-for-word, two paragraphs down. I like it much better there for a number of reasons.

Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

This opening certainly orients the readers in space and time, but it is all telling. Note, for example, how many sentences have a form of "to be" as the main verb. This is almost always a flag, there is no motion or action in these sentences. You do mention "the boys," but without context and without having them do anything. For example, you might start with the frigid air tingling against Tom's cheeks while he peered into the glare of the early morning sun. That names a character--Tom--and has him doing something. It also puts the reader in his head, since we learn that the frigid air tingles against his cheeks. That transforms these tidbits of information from "telling" to "showing," which is almost always more immediate and intimate for readers.

He jumped up in excitement My Comment: jumped up from where? Was he seated? Or was he jumping up and down?

They even discussed plans of what kind of punishment for such a raucous boy. "He's only a young boy, I think you must remember how that feels," Evelyn told James. He smiled back at his wife that he loved dearly. She felt the same, "He's really a good boy and will be a good man like you," she kissed him on the cheek.My Comment: This little flash-back into the heads of Tom's parents breaks the here-and-now of the story of the boys on the cold morning. This disrupts the fictional dream and pulls the readers out of your fictional world.

"We are going to ride Mr. Dann's horse, Sophie. She probably won't hurt us," said Jim, "She likes me because I scratch her and give her treats. It will be easy for me to handle a friendly old horse," he told the guys," and she always stands at the fence waiting for me when I am walking to the school bus." The other two boys were skeptical.My Comment: Try reading this out loud; I think you'll agree that if you use contractions--"we're" for "we are" and "I'm" for "I am," for example--your dialogue will sound more natural. Also, note that you are telling the readers that the other two boys are skeptical instead of showing it through their words and deeds. What nonverbal signals would let Tom--and the readers--infer that they are skeptical?

Chad, already thirteen, was tall with hair down to his collar felt excited.My Comment: Tells the readers he felt excited...

Sophie fidgeted, excited herself.My Comment: I loved this paragraph, that's in Sophie's head!

He felt that Tom and Chad may not be as calm as necessary to drive a buggy.My Comment: Note here that you've hopped into Chad's head.

She was exceptionally intelligent and knew she was in control. My Comment: back in Sophie's head.

All three of the guys began tp wonder if they were not entirely in control.My Comment: omniscient narrator...

And be, "as brainless as a March hare," Jimmy thought, My Comment: hops to Jimmy's head...

Sophie spied Mr. Liston's rose gardenMy Comment: back in Sophie's head...

Mr. Dann couldn't wait for the door bell. He was lonely sometimes.My Comment: In Mr. Dann's head...

"I guess I have too much spare time, I want to have friends, and tell my other pals about our adventures,"My Comment: comma splice.

Jimmy just smiled and knew what he wanted to do with his life. He would be a writer and live on a farm with horses.My Comment: In Jimmy's head...

________________

Ratings Ratings imply measuring work against a pre-determined set of standards. In a diverse place like Writng.Com, no such universal standard can exist. Further, the purpose of this review to help us both improve as authors. Ratings can only distract from that goal.

Several informal surveys show that that the average rating on WDC is 4, so I assign a 4 to everything I review. Thus, please don't give any weight to my rating, but know instead that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Remember, any review is just one person's opinion. The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks for sharing this item! There are hundreds of items on WDC that I could have selected for review. I selected yours because I liked it. I truly did enjoy reading this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
Check out my essay

on short stories.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

237

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3853053

Review of Untitled 7

Review by

In affiliation with Mainstream Novel Workshop Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi, again. Thanks for asking me to read this story. I always enjoy your work.
__________
Item Reviewed: "Untitled 7"

Author elizjohn

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

__________
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

__________

Plot
Poor Desmond. The love of his life dumped him many years ago. He eventually managed to build a contented existence in another city, but that, too, disappeared in the squeal of tires and a drunken driver's negligence. Now he sits in his lonely living room, in disarray, remembering...

__________

Style and Voice
First person. No slips.

__________

Referencing
Modern era...no inconsistencies.

__________

Scene/Setting
I liked using the messy living room as a metaphor for the state of his life. To build on that idea, it might kind of fade in and out of his awareness as things around him trigger memories--see my comments below.

__________

Characters
Of course, this is all about Desmond. He's credible and sympathetic, even to the end.

The idealized Nathalie and Rose play fine foils to his fragile memories.

__________

Grammar
In the line-by-line remarks below, I noted some minor typos and a few repeated words.

__________

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

So...as with all of your stories, I really enjoyed this one. The plot is terrific, and the characters pop off the page. Great work, as I've come to expect from you.

I do have a number of suggestions, though. I think the narrative is a tiny bit disjointed and could use some smoothing--at least at the start. It works much better once Desmond is finally sitting in his living room and hears the knock at the door. In some ways, that where this current version of the story starts. All of the earlier material, which is mostly narrated, is background to set up that moment. The puzzle, at least for me, is how to make the beginning smoother, so that the here-and-now of the story starts in the first sentence. I've some ideas on that below, but doubtless you can come up with something better.

I also think the story ends with the sentence "And then there was nothing." The little epilogue in Nathalie's point of view is sort of like the epilogue to "Psycho," where Hitchcock felt compelled to explain what was going on in the movie. That little bump always felt like a disruption to me, and I have the same feeling about your epilogue. By the time the orderlies show up, all the details are clear, or should be to the attentive reader. I'd really consider deleting the epilogue.

I've made more detailed comments in the line-by-line remarks below. As you know, I really enjoy your work, and I'm complimented that you've asked me to read this. Thanks again for sharing!

__________

Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
__________
When Nathalie and I broke up, we said all the usual things:

“It’s not you, it’s me.”

“I don’t think this is our time.”

“I’m still trying to find myself.”

“I want to focus on my medical career.”

I would wonder later who really meant those words. Did she really feel like she wasn’t ready? Was it truly just a question of bad timing? What more did I need to know about myself that I didn’t know already? How much more energy had to be given for the sake of the career?My Comment: Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

Here, we have disembodied voices speaking. I'm not sure who wants to focus on their medical career, where they are, or even the gender of the narrator--after all, this could be a same-gender relationship. In addition, this doesn't quite foreshadow the plot.

Essentially, you've got several layers of time working here, which is always a challenge. You've got the break-up many years ago, you've got the memories of the narrator's later idyllic life with Rose, and then you've got the present. Weaving these together into a seamless narrative will be a challenge.

One way to give the narrative more unity might be to launch with the narrator slumped in his living room, perhaps staring at a withered rose in a lonely vase. He might be thinking memory, like this rose, is such a fragile thing. His eye catches something--you know better than I what that might be, maybe a pizza box?--that makes him think of Nathalie and a love that never happened. He remembers it like yesterday: she wore blue, he wore gray. They were in the pizzeria across from her Medical College. Launch into the little exchange above, but let us know who says what. Also, have her give him a name--this will help readers identify with him. His attention returns to the vase, and, instead of the love that never was, he remembers his Rose.

The details aren't important. But I'd place the narrator in the here-and-now of his messy living room. I'd have bits of rubbish in the room incite scraps of memory. I'd especially launch the story with some kind of comment or musing about the fragility of memory, since that's the real theme. All of this is to set up the subsequent narrative and to give greater unity to the tale.

Afterwards, I decided I needed to move. My Comment: This whole paragraph is narrated background. I know you've got to include this, but inserting it as narration disrupts the story. Indeed, your story doesn't really start until he's located in the living room and the knock comes at the door. That's why I'd instead start with him already in the living room, with snippets of memory launched by the detritus around him. Get your readers wondering why he's sitting there in such a mess, and how this is all going to connect to Nathalie.

Life got comfortable in Savannah, and I loved the easy pace of life in the South. My Comment: "life" repeats.

Clothes dotted every available space, and on the coffee table over flowed My Comment: typo

“Can I come in?”My Comment: Well, I know this is dialogue and people really say this, but the pedantic in me compels the comment that it should read, "May I come in?"

She was as lovely as I remember, My Comment: typo: remembered

Underneath her partially open white coat,My Comment: I have to say that this made me think at once that the whole narrative up to now was delusion...the white coat is almost too obvious. But then, I was LOOKING for this kind of thing...

and my hand felt cold in the absence of her touch. My Comment: "Felt cold" is telling the reader what's going on and filters the sensory information through his head. It's almost always more immediate and intimate for your readers if you describe the sensation directly. In this case, I'd consider "my hand turned to ice..."

You’ve can’t even stand up! Have you been driving like that…? My Comment: typo

My head pounded in my skull. What she was saying could not be true. I refused to believe it. My head pounded in my skull. I went back and forth, covering my headMy Comment: The phrase "my head pounded in my skull" repeats, and the word "head" repeats again, later.

I banged my head into the wall, and then hit the floor. Stunned from the blow, I wasn’t prepared when one of the orderlies jumped on to of me, pinning my arms to the floor.My Comment: "floor" repeats

I’m a pschyatrist, for Pete’s sake!”My Comment: typo

“Will you back tomorrow?”My Comment: typo

__________

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out my essay

on short stories.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

238

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3838898

Review of Wolf

Review by

In affiliation with Mainstream Novel Workshop Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

** Image ID #1709415 Unavailable **

Hi, my name is Max. Thank you for posting this item on "Crosstimbers Review Forum"

. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you.
________________
Item Reviewed: "Wolf"

Author Shawlyn

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

________________
Remember, a review is just one person's opinion. Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to critique my own work. I hope you find something useful here, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. Please know that suggestions are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

________________

Plot
In this story, we see a battle to the death between Cyrus, aging leader of his wolf pack, and the younger Tyree, representative an empire-building alpha male named Baltazar.

________________

Point of view and style
Mostly, this is third person limited in Cyrus' head.

That's a very interesting approach to take--we are in the head of a wolf! It's also hard to carry out. Of course, some anthropomorphism is necessary, but there should be an alien feel, too. Dean Koontz uses a dog as a point-of-view character in some chapters in "Dragon Tears." These are most interesting and endearing in the book. Everything has to do with smells, and what isn't about spells is about pleasing humans and being a "good, dog. Good, good, dog."

So...I like the concept quite a lot, but I'm not sure how realistically you carried it off. For one thing, wouldn't wolf non-verbal language be built around scents, not appearances? Or maybe a combination, with the tail and ears playing a role? How do they vocalize? Whimpers and wheedles and the occasional howl? Supersonic, above human hearing? I don't know, of course. I've never talked to a wolf. But I should feel like I have, after reading this.

________________

Referencing
Bits about wolf culture and socialization that seemed reasonable to a total non-expert. I read about wolves, once. For a story. I've forgotten everything I read. But what you've got makes sense--it doesn't actually have to be "right," but it has to "feel right" to the non-expert. This certainly passes that test.

________________

Scene/Setting
Lots of good visuals...but was i seeing this through a wolf's senses? If so, they seem to be awfully human...

________________

Characters
Ah, this is where the story shines. We see in Cyrus an implacable leader, but one who is captive to his biology (as are we all!). His son challenges him for leadership because that's the way it is for wolves. Cyrus kills his son because he must: he's the stronger. Whatever is best for the pack is what matters. "The good of the many outweighs the good of the few." How Vulcan, but certainly true for pack animals.

________________

Grammar

Commas.

I thought I saw some comma errors. I'm terrible with commas, so I won't try to point them out. Instead, here's a great reference:
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_c...
I've read it, and they're still a mystery to me. I hope it helps!

________________

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the fictional world. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

This is a powerful little story, with an excellent arc and a delightful twist at the end. The characters are strong, and have recognizable human archetypes even though they are all wolves. Very nice work--and I really enjoyed reading it. Thanks for sharing!!!

________________

Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
________________
The wolf sat alone atop the ridge which ran through the middle of his packs territory. My Comment: We're going to be in this particular wolf's head throughout this story, so I'd name him now and establish that we're in his POV. Have his skin prickle as the cold wind lifts his fur and chills his bones. Establish that we're inside his experiencing the world through his senses. Almost your entire first paragraph is third person omniscient before settling into third person, er, third wolf limited.

It was Saskia, who broke the stillness.My Comment: no comma

Saskia gazed at the intruder. My Comment: When you switch from Cyrus looking to Saskia looking, it's like changing from one speaking to another. You should start a new paragraph.

He could see the sadness.My Comment: Telling us what he sees instead of showing it. Since wolf nonverbal might be hard for humans to interpret , you might try a phrase like, "her sadness showed in the droop of her tail." Since they're wolves, I wonder if scent, rather than sight, might convey more meaning to them and constitute a big part of wolf non-verbal communication?

They stand and face each other once more. My Comment: I'd break this up into several paragraphs. It'll make it easier to read, and it will make it read faster, increasing the sense of urgency and tension.

Their chests are heaving as they struggle to draw breath.My Comment: You've changed to present tense. You've been in the fictional past up until now.

Cyrus lived for another two years and led his pack well, before he was ousted by his son. Baltazar controlled his empire for five years and then suddenly disappeared and his name faded into legend…But that’s another story.My Comment: lapse into an omniscient narrator. Do we really need this?

________________

Ratings Ratings imply measuring work against a pre-determined set of standards. In a diverse place like Writng.Com, no such universal standard can exist. Further, the purpose of this review to help us both improve as authors. Ratings can only distract from that goal.

Several informal surveys show that that the average rating on WDC is 4, so I assign a 4 to everything I review. Thus, please don't give any weight to my rating, but know instead that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Remember, any review is just one person's opinion. The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks for sharing this item! There are hundreds of items on WDC that I could have selected for review. I selected yours because I liked it. I truly did enjoy reading this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
Check out my essay

on short stories.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

239

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3834608

Review of Dream Space Prologue

Review by

In affiliation with Mainstream Novel Workshop Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi, my name is Max. I found your novel mentioned in "Invalid Item"

. I enjoyed reading the prologue and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
__________
Item Reviewed: "Dream Space Prologue"

Author Janel E Kane

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

__________
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

I see you are also new to WDC, so I'd like to add my personal welcome to this site. This is a great place to learn and grow as an author. It's also a wonderful place to form new friendships, both personal and professional. I hope you find your time here as productive as I've found mine.

__________

Plot
In this prologue, we meet Leonard Hayeson, a future vulture capitalist who has lifted himself from poverty to the ultimate elite of this future Earth. Good thing for him, too, as this future is fraught with environmental and social disaster--so much so that the wealthy elites realize there's only about ten years left for the almost-worn-out planet. Not to worry, though: they have a plan. They will evacuate to a new planet, taking with them enough slaves brainwashed enthusiastic workers to keep themselves in the lap of luxury. It doesn't seem to occur to them that they will likely descend on this new planet, like a swarm of locusts, and destroy it, too...but doubtless that's another story.

In any case, Leonard determines to find a place for himself and his progeny--did I mention he's on his fourth "rejuve" and so must have quite a few progeny---on the new world.

__________

Style and Voice
Third person limited. The first page or so is in the point of view of Leonard's driver, but then shifts for the bulk of the chapter to Leonard.

You do a good job of staying in the head of your POV character, although I think you should consider establishing the POV more firmly at the start of each scene break. This keeps the continuity of the fictional dream going in the readers' heads. In addition, I don't really see any reason to have two POVs in such a short chapter, and I'd recommend writing the entire thing in Leonard's POV.

__________

Referencing
One of the hardest things with SciFi is to establish the details of the future world without falling into an info-dump. You've done an excellent job of this. The essential features of the technology and the social structure come through via the words and deeds--or thoughts--of the characters. There might be a couple of places--see the line-by-line remarks below--where you could put some of the information better in the POV of Leonard, but overall you've avoided the dreaded info-dump. Good job!!

__________

Scene/Setting
See above--you used elements of the scene to establish character and--especially--the sociology of this future. In addition, the scene setting did the primary job of orienting the readers and positioning the characters relative to one another. More good work here.

__________

Characters
We primarily meet Leonard in this chapter. We see his disdain for the ostentation of the other vulture capitalists, we see his loyalty to his offspring, but we also see that he can be cold-hearted when he resolves to divorce his most recent wife. We also see his exploitative side in his wife--he apparently acquired her after his last "rejuvenation" and she's as young as he now appears to be. But he's planning to coldly dump her in light of what he learns at this meeting. This makes Leonard a mix of good and not-so-good elements, like most people. Good work here, too.

__________

Grammar

Comma Splices.

A comma splice occurs when you have two complete sentences joined by a comma where a period or semicolon should be used. I've marked one or more of these in the line-by-line comments below.

I noticed several instances of passive voice. This tends to put your readers in a passive, receptive mood. Instead, you want them actively engaged, imagining your fictional world along with you. For this reason, it's generally better to use active verb forms. I've marked one or two of these in the line-by-line remarks below.

__________

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

For the most part, you do a great job with this. However, as I note below, I think that at each scene change it's best to establish the point of view up front, in the very first sentence if at all possible. This keeps the continuity of the fictional dream going in the readers' heads. When there's a change in POV, it's particularly important to establish that immediately.

It may seem like I've made quite a few nit-picky comments in the line-by-line remarks, and I suppose that's true. But that's because this is really worth the attention I've given it. These are all little bits of craft that other authors have taught me over the years here on WDC, and I'm passing them on to you to use--or not!!--as you see fit. In any event, they are not criticisms but rather suggestions.

Overall, I think you've done a great job with this prologue. You've established Leonard's character, the basics of this future world, and the essential conflict of the plot. The stakes for Leonard are clear, and the hook at the end is compelling. I enjoyed reading it, and I look forward to seeing more! Thanks for sharing!

__________

Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
__________
“That’s what I’m saying, honey. I don’t know how late I’ll be yet.” Louis Kan directed his message to his wife sub-vocally through his DAB Cortex.My Comment: Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

Almost all editors and agents will advise against starting with a disembodied voice speaking. The readers don't know if they are hearing the voice through another character or if they are supposed to be in the head of the person speaking. We learn in your first sentence--in the dialogue tag--that we're in Louis's head, but only after he speaks. I'd recommend starting by establishing the point of view and the setting, perhaps by having him peer through the rain-drenched windshield of the vehicle.

He felt sick: his guts twisted up and beads of sweat broke out on his forehead. My Comment:My Comment: You don't need to tell us he feels sick: the rest of the sentence shows it. Telling us reduces the intimacy and immediacy.

He willed himself to breath deeply and stay calm.My Comment: typo: breathe

As they dropped through the flyway strata the car was searedMy Comment: passive voice...

He walked away from the driver and the doorman without a dismissal or another thoughtMy Comment: "without...another thought" cues the readers that the point of view has changed to Hayeson. It's generally better to establish the new POV at the instant it takes place. Note that by starting with Leonard speaking, it is more natural to infer--even with the extra inter-paragraph space--that we are continuing in Louis's POV. That's one reason why it's generally not a good idea to start with a disembodied voice speaking.

He resented being here.My Comment: Tells the readers he's resentful. The irritated thought just before this shows it, but if you want to emphasize it, add some body language or other indicator of his irritation as opposed to telling the readers stuff.

The President of Paragon Media had a penthouse office with views out over most of midtown. Charles Wagner, pasty and soft, was easily a decade past when most of his set would be hitting a rejuve clinic. He stood near the side board table, set up with an assortment of liquor and glassware, greeting the attendees.My Comment: We've had a new scene break and--potentially--a new POV. Because we don't know for sure who is seeing this, it feels like an omniscient narrator, standing outside the story looking in, relating facts. This tends to disrupt the fictional dream.

Kurtis Thiral, who’s genetics laboratory revolutionized rejuvenation, My Comment: typo: whose

Hayeson moved and performed the careful dance of the aristocratic mingle, smiling through gritted teeth.My Comment: This sentence says we're still in Hayeson's head, but it's too late since we're several paragraphs in. With any new scene, it's wise to establish POV at once, even if it continues unchanged from the prior scene. Here, for example, you might start with Hayeson scanning the room and reacting in some way to seeing Wagner.

In the center of the vast open penthouse, in a sea of dark marble gleaming floors, was a hand--woven rug worth the economies of several small countries. My Comment: The primary verb in this sentence is "was." I tend to beware of sentences where the main verb is any form of "to be." Here, for example, to help establish the culture, you might have the carpet "trampled" by the feet of the high and mighty.

The storms were worsening, every day some place was hit with something.My Comment: comma splice

My Comment: Here the story stops while the author tells the readers facts. Do readers need to know these things right now? If so, is there a way to reveal this information through the words and deeds of your characters as opposed to author narration?

The stork--like Thiral, in his left--the--hanger--in, too stiff suit paused. My Comment: I don't quite follow this sentence...

The trim military precision of the man could not be hidden in any civilian suit. My Comment: passive voice...

The gentleman on the her other side interjected.My Comment: typo

“Energy, its all about energy.” Bymere answered him. My Comment: typo: it's. Also, the dialogue should end with a comma before the tag.

__________

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out my essay

on short stories.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

240

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3831774

Review of And The Whole World Was Yellow

Review by

In affiliation with Mainstream Novel Workshop Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

** Image ID #1709415 Unavailable **

Hi, my name is Max. Thank you for posting this item on "Crosstimbers Review Forum"

. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you.
________________
Item Reviewed: "And The Whole World Was Yellow"

Author JGOsmond

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

________________
Remember, a review is just one person's opinion. Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to critique my own work. I hope you find something useful here, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. Please know that suggestions are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

I see you are new to Writing.Com, so I'd like to offer my personal welcome to the site. This is a great place to meet new people, make friends, and hone your writing skills. I hope that you find your time here as rewarding personally and professionally as I've found mine!

________________

Plot
Even though Jonny was born blind, without eyes to see, he approaches life with confidence and a certain joy. Sally, his constant and not-very-welcome companion, apparently sees beauty in his soul, for fear consumes her as he takes ever-increasing risks. Finally, after weeks death-defying games with a passing train, Jonny appears to have decided to see colors for the first time by letting the train strike him. What follows reveals the color of love in most unexpected ways.

________________

Point of view and style
This story uses an omniscient narrator, in which the author stands outside the fictional events, looking in. The author knows the internal thoughts of all the characters; in fact, the author knows everything.

This narrative style dominated 19th century literature and continued well into the 20th. However, it has all but disappeared from commercial fiction today. About 30% of all contemporary fiction uses a first person narrator, while the overwhelming majority of the remainder uses third person limited.

In third person limited, for each scene the author chooses one character to provide the point of view. The reader can know what that character sees, hears, smells, and otherwise senses. The reader can know what that character thinks, as well. But the reader has to infer these things about all the other characters through their words and deeds. The idea is that the author places the readers into the head of one character, and then the readers encounter the fictional world through that character in a holistic manner, the same way we encounter the real world. That's supposed to help draw the reader into the story and thus into the fictional world.

A novel can--and usually does--have many point-of-view characters, but there should be only one for each scene. Short stories generally have only one point-of-view character.

I've marked a few places in your story to illustrate where the narrative jumps between points of view.

My main suggestion for this story is that you try re-working it, showing the entire story from Jonny's point of view. That will increase the intimacy and immediacy of the readers' experiences as the read the story. I think it will pique reader interest, too, since you'll have to tell the story from the point of view of a blind person. You won't be able to use sight in your descriptions, just the other senses.

Alternatively, based on some other considerations noted below, I think this should be a somewhat longer work. Given that, there's no reason to not have the POV alternate between Sally and Jonny. Indeed, I think that might be the strongest solution.

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Referencing
All consistent.

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Scene/Setting
Just right for me. Staging was clear throughout.

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Characters
Both Jonny and Sally are strong characters. Indeed, building on the idea above, I'd like to see their relationship through Sally's eyes a little sooner. We know that Jonny finds Sally annoying--so much that he wishes he could pay her to go away. But she persists, even though consumed with a nagging fear. What does she find in Jonny, despite his rejection? Alternating POV would strengthen both characters, I think.

________________
I noted a few typos and minor grammar points in the line-by-line remarks below.

Commas.

I thought I saw some comma errors. I'm terrible with commas, so I won't try to point them out. Instead, here's a great reference:
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_c...
I've read it, and they're still a mystery to me. I hope it helps!

________________

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the fictional world. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

I love the plot and emotional resonance of this story--those are really terrific. The characters are, too, along with Jonny's growth and Sally's sacrifice.

HOwever, an enormous amount of this story is told, often in narrated form. It's almost always more immediate and intimate for your readers to reveal events and information through the words and deed of your characters, rather than telling readers what happened in narrative form. I've marked a few examples in the line-by-line remarks, but I'd suggest that you go through this again with a view to showing, rather than telling. This story is well worth the effort: polish it until it shines.

Showing almost always takes longer. If you follow this advice relentlessly, this 4000 word story will likely double or triple in length. In a longer piece, changes in POV can provide variety as opposed to breaks in the fictional dream--hence my advice above about using both Jonny and Sally as POV characters, in alternating scenes.

Thanks for sharing this heartwarming story about an unseen love. I really enjoyed reading it.

________________

Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
________________
Every day, the train came speeding through Johnny’s little town at exactly three-o-clock in the afternoon. Johnny couldn’t see the train like most could, but he could hear it, feel it. Like anyone else, he knew it was there and he knew it was coming.
People used to always ask him what it felt like, not having eyes, to be born with empty gaping holes instead. Grandma blamed it on all the alcohol Johnny’s mom consumed while she was pregnant with him. His is mom blamed it on all the stress that Johnny’s Dad put her through, which caused her to drink so profusely. His dad blamed it on the doctor, and the doctor blamed it on God, but Johnny didn’t blame it on anyone.My Comment: Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

This opening names your protagonist--Jonny--and establishes the train, an essential element of the plot. It also establishes essential facts about Jonny. But notice that it does this all in narrated form. You tell the readers Jonny can't see the train, that he can feel it. To show you what I mean, let me give you a quick example.
Jonny's fingers touched the face of his Braille watch: almost 3PM. The ground vibrated at the train's approach, and his nose tingled with the scent of steel on steel, oil, and steam. Jonny could always count on the train being on time.

I know you can do better than this--I even used some of your eloquent prose in the above example. The point is that you can show Jonny is blind through his actions. You can show, through what he senses, that he feels the train's approach. Showing is almost always better than telling.

As an aside, there's an extra word underlined above.

“My grandma told me that she thinks that being blind is probably like reading a book, instead of watching the movie. She said you have to paint your own pictures.”My Comment: Partially true. Reading a book is a guided dream, in which the words on the page stimulate the readers' imaginations to paint the pictures.

“Come on, Jonny, its here. My Comment: typo: it's

Slowly, his smiled came creeping back to his face. My Comment: typo: his smile...

Convinced that she was done beating on him,My Comment: This places inside Jonny's head, since it reports that he's convinced.

She pouted for a second. “What? What is it?”My Comment: Of course, Jonny can't see her pout, so we have an omniscient narrator reporting a fact.

His grandma was his only source of consolation. My Comment: This launches a couple of paragraphs of narrated background. It's almost always better to reveal information through the words and deeds of your characters than through narration. Can you devise a short scene that conveys this information, perhaps having Jonny feel her face and her toothless smile?

She would just laugh and smile, exposing her toothless gums.My Comment: which, of course, Jonny can't see, so this is the narrator intruding again to state a fact.

Her eyebrows fell, pointing down towards her nose. My Comment: another omniscient narrator coment, standing outside the story looking in.

But something felt different this time, My Comment: Slips into Sally's head...

Three doctors and one nurse broke down the bathroom door to find Johnny lying there, his eyes wide open, starring into space. A week later he was released, having suffered a sever concussion.My Comment: typos

Sally’s father took the rose, starred at it for a while, and placed it in the book. My Comment: typo

________________

Ratings Ratings imply measuring work against a pre-determined set of standards. In a diverse place like Writng.Com, no such universal standard can exist. Further, the purpose of this review to help us both improve as authors. Ratings can only distract from that goal.

Several informal surveys show that that the average rating on WDC is 4, so I assign a 4 to everything I review. Thus, please don't give any weight to my rating, but know instead that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Remember, any review is just one person's opinion. The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks for sharing this item! There are hundreds of items on WDC that I could have selected for review. I selected yours because I liked it. I truly did enjoy reading this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
Check out my essay

on short stories.

241

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3830821

Review of Anna: A Short Story (Part 3)

Review by

In affiliation with Mainstream Novel Workshop Group

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

** Image ID #1709415 Unavailable **

Hi, my name is Max. Thank you for posting this item on "Crosstimbers Review Forum"

. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you.
________________
Item Reviewed: "Anna: A Short Story (Part 3)"

Author hope75

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

________________
Remember, a review is just one person's opinion. Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to critique my own work. I hope you find something useful here, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. Please know that suggestions are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

Thank you for posting this as three shorter segments. However, since the total is less than 4000 words, this reviews combines comments on all three into a single review of the entire story.

________________

Plot
This story starts with Anna and a small boy at the site of a school shooting. We've all read about the horrible scenes at such events, and this story does a good job of conveying that mix of the commonplace and the awful. We follow Anna out of the school to her car. An interlude in a bar follows, with the patrons following newscasts about the event on TV. We then return to Anna as she flees with the boy.

There's a shocking twist in this story which I've tried to hide for anyone planning to read it. However--fair warning!--spoilers appear later in this review.

________________

Point of view and style
This story uses third person limited, first in Anna's head, then in the head of the bartender, and then concludes in Anna's head.

In such a short piece, I'd recommend staying in Anna's point of view throughout. This is especially true since none of the characters in the middle segment appear to have any connection to the beginning or ending sections. The information that the readers learn in the middle section is all narrated by TV newscasters. You could convey the same information by having Anna hear it on her car radio, so the switch to the bar isn't really necessary to the story. Since it pulls the reader out of Anna's head, it tends to disrupt the natural flow of events in the story and runs the risk of pulling the readers out of the story. For these reasons, I'd suggest sticking with Anna's point of view throughout.

________________

Referencing
Consistent with modern day.

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Scene/Setting
I thought this was quite good. You almost always framed the scene by having Anna react to it in some way, which helps to establish POV and enables readers to imagine the scene in context in a holistic manner, in the same way that they encounter the real world. There were one or two places, noted in the line-by-line remarks below, where I thought you could improve on this, but overall it was well done.

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Characters
Anna's single-minded determination is quite chilling. The reaction of the little boy was tragic and believable. Anna's interaction with the police officer and the twist that occurs at that point are very well done. Anna's kind of creepy up to then--good, subtle foreshadowing--and then you hit the readers between the eyes with her actions. Well done.

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Grammar
I note that you are using UK spellings and so I infer you are using UK grammar as well. I've made a couple of comments about apostrophes, but I'm not familiar with UK rules and so I apologize if I've erred when your usage is correct for the UK.

Apostrophes.

I thought I saw some Apostrophe errors. Here's a reference that might be helpful:
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/621/01/...

Adverbs.

You don't overuse adverbs (well, there are over 50 in this short story), but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

________________

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the fictional world. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

This is a timely and chilling story. I can't exactly say I enjoyed reading it because of the content, but it was well done.

I've got a few suggestions for you to consider. First, Seth kind of came from out of the blue. He's mentioned only twice in the story, once in passing as Anna gets in her car and then again at the end. I infer Anna has done this for Seth, and so I'd have him be a bit more present her mind as she walks through the school or interacts with they boy.

I like that you left the motives for Anna's actions unstated. It's possible that the boy is Seth's son, for example, or is otherwise related to him. Or maybe Seth is a predator with nefarious plans for the child. We don't know. What is evident at the end is that he's acquired some kind of mastery over Anna and is using her to achieve his ends. That's reason that I think he needs to be more present in her mind. Is she afraid of him? Does she love him? Or maybe it's both at once? I like having his motives be ambiguous, but I'd like more foreshadowing of Anna's motives, and having the story give hints to those motives earlier.

For example, maybe Anna's got a black eye and the policeman asks her about it--suggesting by the end that she must have gotten it from Seth. Maybe she strokes the boy's features or his hair and thinks' they are just like his. I'd have her feel some excitement or satisfaction imagining how Seth will react to her success, thus threading him into the story.

The idea with a twist is to surprise the readers--so you don't want the references to Seth to telegraph anything. But you do want the readers to slap their foreheads and say, "I should have seen that coming!" Thus, a touch more foreshadowing would be helpful.

Again, this is a powerful story with a twist in the middle and another at the end. I enjoy reading well-plotted stories with twists, and this one certainly qualifies. thanks for sharing and by all means keep writing!!

________________

Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
________________
The child sobbed softly in her arms as she tried to reassure him everything would be alright. The shattered glass crunched loudly under her feet as she and the boy moved slowly through the otherwise silent building. Noticing a slightly opened door at the end of the corridor, she made her way towards it.

Pushing it gently with her shoulder the door opened to reveal an empty classroom. Bright, colourful drawings of dinosaurs, jet planes and other fragments of children’s imaginations adorned the walls of the room. The seats and desks were scattered and disorganised, books and pens still on those that remained upright. Large chalked numbers revealed the days unfinished math lesson on the board behind the teacher’s desk, which was cluttered with text books and notes. My Comment: Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

This opening orients the reader in space and starts by putting the main character in action: these are all positive things. However, it would help to draw readers in if you named Anna much sooner--in the first sentence if possible. Starting with a pronoun for which there is no antecedent tends to distance the readers from the story and events. I'd also let the readers know as early as possible that this is the site of a mass shooting. That would add to the tension and help inform the reader what's going on.

When you write, "Noticing a slightly opened door..." you are telling the reader what she noticed. It's almost always more intimate and immediate for the reader if you describe directly what she noticed. When she reacts to the open door by advancing on it, readers will infer that she noticed it. That little step of inference helps to draw readers into the story. You've already done an excellent job of putting us in Anna's head, so readers won't be uncertain about her noticing the door.

Finally, note that it should be "day's unfinished math lesson"--there's an apostrophe missing.

The door of the school canteen lay open in front of her. The smell of freshly cooked food lingered in the air. Moving through the rows of tables and chairs she tried to open a window on the far side of the canteen. My Comment: "Canteen" appears twice in close succession. Repeating words and phrases runs the risk of making your prose seem monotone, so it's generally better to find alternative expressions.

As the policeman moved toward them she swiftly removed the Glock 19My Comment: Here is one of the adverbs where a more precise verb would work better. For example, maybe she "snatched" the Glock?

The boy screamed as the loud bang of the gun exploded in his ears. My Comment: "in his ears" slips for an instant into the boy's head.

“We now return to todays top story of the shooting at the small isolated primary school just outside of Billingham. My Comment: Typo: should be today's.

with a large amount of microphones and Dictaphones perched underneath him.My Comment: "Large" is one of those adjectives that's too nonspecific to be useful to the readers. Are there "at least a dozen" or "five or six" or "dozens?" Giving more specific numbers helps the readers to form a mental image.

A barrage of questions was launched at Detective Collins from the journalists gathered at the press conference. My Comment: There is quite a bit of passive voice in this story. Here, for example, you could make this an active sentence by saying, "The journalists jammed in front of the Detective barraged him with questions..."

“Has the shooter been apprehended”, asked one of the journalists. “I’m sorry, we are still investigating out buildings at the back of the school, so I can make no further comment”, replied Collins the toll of the day’s events clearly evident in his face.My Comment: The first quote should end in a question mark. The second quote has a different speaker--Collins--and so belongs in a new paragraph.

Speedily Horace grabbed the remote and turned up the volume.My Comment: Here, Horace can't "slowly" grab the remote, so the adverb is just a speed bump that gets in the way of an otherwise strong, active description of his action.

Soaked branches whipped and nicked her face and hands as she ran through the heavy undergrowth that obstructed the entrance to the forest. The soil underneath was slippery as she fought to maintain her footing. My Comment: The first sentence here is excellent: you have branches acting on her as she runs and is in her point of view. However, in the second sentence, the author is stating a fact about the soil. If, instead, you continued in the same vein as the first sentence, you might have her feet "slip and slide on the rain-soaked soil..." Then the readers infer that the soil is slippery from her actions. That little step of inference helps to draw them into the story.

Her clothes fused to her slim frame with a mixture of perspiration and rain.My Comment: Another great description, making the clothes an active part of the setting!

Disorientation now began to creep in, so she stopped brieflyMy Comment: "paused" would be a more precise verb than "stopped briefly"

She turned on the radio and a tune from a by-gone eraMy Comment: Name the tune. This is an opportunity to add texture and, possibly, foreshadowing or character.

she waited anxiously for the light to turn. My Comment: This is the author telling the readers that she's anxious. What nonverbal cues would show this instead? Maybe her fingers tap on the steering wheel, or she heaves a tremulous breath.

________________

Ratings Ratings imply measuring work against a pre-determined set of standards. In a diverse place like Writng.Com, no such universal standard can exist. Further, the purpose of this review to help us both improve as authors. Ratings can only distract from that goal.

Several informal surveys show that that the average rating on WDC is 4, so I assign a 4 to everything I review. Thus, please don't give any weight to my rating, but know instead that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Remember, any review is just one person's opinion. The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks for sharing this item! There are hundreds of items on WDC that I could have selected for review. I selected yours because I liked it. I truly did enjoy reading this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
Check out my essay

on short stories.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

242

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3819983

Review of There's a Catch

Review by

In affiliation with Mainstream Novel Workshop Group

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Hi, my name is Max. I found your story on "Please Review"

. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
__________
Item Reviewed: "There's a Catch"

Author elizjohn

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

__________
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

__________

Plot
He's held Teresa captive. He's done horrible things to her. But now, at last, he promises to set her free. She just has to do one little thing...

__________

Style and Voice
Third person limited, in Teresa's head. No slips.

__________

Referencing
Modern era...

__________

Scene/Setting
Teresa is blindfolded for much of this, so all we have sound, touch and scent. Even with such limitations, you give us a horrifying picture of her situation. great job here.

__________

Characters
This is mostly Teresa, confused by long abuse and use, longing to be free, but afraid of a trick. Her captor doesn't say much, but he's still creepy and cold. We learn about the characters through their words and deeds, which is a always a good thing.

__________

Grammar
I spotted a couple of typos, noted in the line-by-line remarks below.

__________

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

There were a couple of places I noted where it felt like the narrator was telling the reader stuff instead of letting the reader infer the information through the words and deeds of the characters. Mostly, you do an excellent job of the latter, so I'm guessing the former are just oversights that slipped by in this early draft.

I always love reading your work. I'm guaranteed and chilling, dark story with a twist at the end. I absolutely love that kind of story, and this one delivers. I have to say I've not had terrible luck selling this kind of story, though. My friends tell me the "twist-at-the-end" story is out of fashion. I don't care--I still love it!

One thing about the twist here--I think you should mention the locks right away, in the opening sentence if you can. You did a great job building tension, and I thought "set her free" meant he was going to kill her--which I'm sure is what you wanted me to think. Then you gave me the twist. It's even sort of foreshadowed, but I think we're halfway through the story before we even know about the shackles. I'd foreshadow earlier if I could. When you get to the twist, you want your readers to slap their foreheads and say, "I should have seen that coming." I'd set up the twist earlier, I think, to help get that reaction.

As always, thanks for sharing. I love your imagination!!!

__________

Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
__________
Hours had passed, or maybe minutes, maybe days, she didn’t know. My Comment:I like your opening, but "she" has no antecedent. Why not name Teresa in the first sentence?

but his sudden grip on her arm steadied her, if but for a moment.My Comment: "but" repeats; perhaps use "only" in the 2nd instance?

It was hard to think, to concentrate.My Comment: Author intrudes to state a fact. Perhaps something more on the lines of, "her thoughts flogged mind like seagulls trapped in an oil slick."

torse and abdomen.My Comment: typo: torso

Teresa heard keys jangling and scrapingMy Comment: "Theresa heard" both tells us what she heard and filters the sound through her head. It's almost always more immediate and intimate to describe what she heard directly. Since you've put the readers in her head, they will infer she heard--that little step of inference helps to draw readers into her POV and hence into the story. If you want to emphasize she heard it, have it react in some way.

__________

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out my essay

on short stories.

243

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3819864

Review of The White Mare

Review by

In affiliation with Mainstream Novel Workshop Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

** Image ID #1709415 Unavailable **

Hi, my name is Max. Thank you for posting this item on "Crosstimbers Review Forum"

. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you.
________________
Item Reviewed: "The White Mare"

Author Jeod L.

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

________________
Remember, a review is just one person's opinion. Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to critique my own work. I hope you find something useful here, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. Please know that suggestions are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

________________

Plot
This is tragic but heartwarming tale of a wild stallion, his love for his mare, and his duty to his herd.

________________

Point of view and style
This story uses an omniscient narrator, in which the author stands outside the fictional events, looking in. The author knows the internal thoughts of all the characters--in this case, the stallion and his mare. In fact, the author knows everything.

This narrative style dominated 19th century literature and continued well into the 20th. However, it has all but disappeared from commercial fiction today. About 30% of all contemporary fiction uses a first person narrator, while the overwhelming majority of the remainder uses third person limited.

In third person limited, for each scene the author chooses one character to provide the point of view. The reader can know what that character sees, hears, smells, and otherwise senses. The reader can know what that character thinks, as well. But the reader has to infer these things about all the other characters through their words and deeds. The idea is that the author places the readers into the head of one character, and then the readers encounter the fictional world through that character in a holistic manner, the same way we encounter the real world. That's supposed to help draw the reader into the story and thus into the fictional world.

A novel can--and usually does--have many point-of-view characters, but there should be only one for each scene. Generally short stories have only one point of view character.

Now, the characters in this story are horses, but that doesn't mean that you can't use one of them for the point of view. For example, in Dean Koontz's novel Dragon Tears, he uses a dog for the point of view character in several chapters. In many ways these are the most delightful chapters of the book, as we experience the world from the eyes--or, more accurately, the nose--of a canine. You clearly have a deep understanding of horses, of how the communicate with each other, and what they value. If you actually put us in the head of the stallion, from the very first sentence, you'd have a much more powerful and intimate story. This would make the ending even more tragic, as the readers would have experienced the fictional world through an entirely new viewpoint, one that is unfamiliar to most people.

Thus, my main suggestion for this story is that you reframe it so that it is entirely in the point of view of the stallion. Don't jump from his head to the mare's--have him, and hence the reader, infer what she's feeling from her actions and, well, words might not be quite right, but from however horses communicate with one another.

________________

Referencing
I'm not quite sure what killed the stallion at the end. Arrows? Or something else?

________________

Scene/Setting
Starting with the very first paragraph, there are many nice passages here that set the scene. If you take my advice above on point of view, be careful in your revision to put the descriptions in the stallion's point of view. Avoid passages where the narrator stands outside the story, looking in, telling the reader what things look like. Instead, lead the reader to experience reality as the stallion does.

________________

Characters
The mare and the stallion, and their touching love for one another.

________________

Grammar
You wrote:
he found a nice, comfortable spot of grass and laid down.My Comment: When to use "lie" versus "lay" is one of those annoying grammatical flaws of the English language. In the present tense, it's pretty easy since there are two different words: "Lie" is what you do to yourself (no direct object), and "lay" is what you do to something (has a direct object). However, the past tense of "lie" is "lay," which is where it gets annoying and confusing. I can NEVER remember this for sure and always have to look it up--google "lie/lay" and you'll find any number of places with the rule. Anyway, here you should have "and lay down."

________________

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the fictional world. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

I liked this story a lot, but, as I noted above, in many places it feels like the narrator is standing outside the story, looking in. This reduces the immediacy and intimacy for the reader and breaks the fictional dream. If you decide to revise as I've suggested above, I think you'll improve this aspect.

This is a sensitive and caring portrayal of animals, showing how much all living creatures have in common. The writing is strong, and well-crafted. Thanks for sharing.

________________

Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
________________
They followed the stream, which, fed with several streamsMy Comment: "Stream" appears twice in close succession. Repeating words and phrases like this runs the risk of making your prose seem monotone. You might consider "rivulet" or some other word for the second instance.

forgivness.My Comment: Typo: foregiveness

________________

Ratings Ratings imply measuring work against a pre-determined set of standards. In a diverse place like Writng.Com, no such universal standard can exist. Further, the purpose of this review to help us both improve as authors. Ratings can only distract from that goal.

Several informal surveys show that that the average rating on WDC is 4, so I assign a 4 to everything I review. Thus, please don't give any weight to my rating, but know instead that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Remember, any review is just one person's opinion. The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks for sharing this item! There are hundreds of items on WDC that I could have selected for review. I selected yours because I liked it. I truly did enjoy reading this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
Check out my essay

on short stories.

244

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3809899

Review of Don't Tell

Review by

In affiliation with Mainstream Novel Workshop Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

** Image ID #1709415 Unavailable **

Hi, my name is Max. Thank you for posting this item on "Crosstimbers Review Forum"

. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you.
________________
Item Reviewed: "Don't Tell"

Author colorfulpoet

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

________________
Remember, a review is just one person's opinion. Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to critique my own work. I hope you find something useful here, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. Please know that suggestions are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

________________

Plot
Nicolas closes up after his shift at work and trudges across the vacant, dark parking lot when his girlfriend Ariel's brother and cousin appear. They accuse him of cheating on Ariel, which he denies. It doesn't matter, they beat him up, stab him, kick him, and leave him for dead. As he lay semiconscious, memories of Ariel whirl in his mind and pull him back from the brink. Eventually, a passerby appears, calls for help, and he's evacuated to a hospital. Excruciating hours later, his attending tells him that he almost died but he will recover.

Nicolas' mother, sister and Ariel show up at the hospital, but he can't bring himself to identify his attackers. He lies to the police. Eventually, however, Ariel persuades him to tell her what happens. He then tells her they should break up, as he can't "risk either of them."

When Nicolas finally returns home, Ariel is gone. He sends her a forlorn text, hoping to fix their broken lives.

________________

Point of view and style
First person, in Nicolas's head. No slips.

________________

Referencing
self consistent...not sure where this is set, though.

________________

Scene/Setting
The settings are quite sparse--barely sufficient for staging. I could have used a stronger sense of menace in the parking lot. Later, the hospital seemed barely present. Was Nicolas in a room or a ward? Were there windows? What did it smell like? Was it light or dark? Were there cheery pictures of puppies on the walls, or religious pictures? Or was the paint old and flaking? Paint the scene for us, to help us place these characters in context.

________________

Characters
We get to know Nicolas fairly well, but his interactions with the other characters felt rather flat. The characters say things, but they don't really act. We don't see facial expressions or body language. When Ariel and Nicolas' family visits, what do they look like? Do they show up wearing bathrobes and slippers, maybe with hair in curlers? Are their eyes red and puffy? Paint a picture that shows their emotional state, and thus help to bring them to life.

Minor characters like nurses and policemen likewise seemed rather flat. Giving each some human characterisitic--maybe the nurse has hair the size of Texas, or the policeman squints at his notebook while he asks questions.

________________

Grammar
I made a few comments here and there in the line-by-line remarks below...

________________

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the fictional world. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

This is a powerful story of violence, betrayal, and loss. It should be heart-wrenching and infuriating at the same time. It almost-but-not-quite gets there. I think tweaking it by adding some details--sensory and otherwise--would greatly strengthen the impact.

Thanks for sharing this harrowing story.

________________

Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
________________
I got into the parking lot from the corner of my eyes was Trevor, and Anthony;My Comment: Something missing in this sentence...maybe "from the corner of my eye I spotted..."

it was weird that my girlfriend's brother and cousin were in the parking lot. Trevor had something in his jacket sleeve that I couldn’t make out, because of the darkness that filled the parking lot. My Comment: Be careful about repeating words and phrases: "parking lot" appears in subsequent sentences. Also, "it was weird" is telling the readers a fact. Can you reveal that it was weird through the words and deeds of the characters?

"You mess around on my sister," Trevor asked,My Comment: If it's a question, then there should be a question mark after "sister."

grabbing me by the color of my shirt. Being larger than he is, I jerked back releasing his hold on my shirt. He then went into punch me in the side of the face but I managed to grab a hold of his arm pulling him with a thump on the ground. I got back up on my feet to deal with Anthony who was approaching me.

My Comment: "Shirt" repeats. Also, the time sequence seems strange, since I though Trevor and Anthony approached him simultaneously, yet now Anthony seems to be lagging behind.

I began to wonder if I would ever get to hold her again, My Comment: missing word

When I thought they had left, I got to my feet. Rubbing my eyes furiously.My Comment: The actual events here a little unclear. Where they kicking him? I think that must be the case, but it's not explicit.

as I felt the blade enter my body rubbing against my ribs. I felt paralyzed my body hitting the ground. He hovered over me, the blade jabbing into me again. My Comment: Be careful with phrases like "I felt." This filters the sensory information through your character. It's almost always more immediate and intimate for your readers to describe directly what he felt. Since you're using a first person narrator, readers will infer that he "felt" it--indeed, that little step of inference helps to draw readers into the story. If you want to emphasize he felt it, have him react in some way--a gasp, or groan, or gripping the wound.

“Can you hear me?” I heard a voice. My Comment: "I heard" is like "I felt" above.

I woke up surrounding by a nurse checking my vital signs. My Comment: "surrounded by..."

"I thought you were going to die," she said her voice changed "But I happy to hear you are going to be alright,"My Comment: Is this Ariel or his mother speaking? What do they look like?

Spite all that has happened, My Comment: typo: "despite..."

“Five more minutes, before you have to leave so he can rest.” A nurse said once again checking my vital signs. My Comment: This is a small thing, but I'd have the nurse do something before she speaks, to establish that she's in the room and the one who's about to say something. By quoting the speech and then identifying the speaker, you lose some clarity: the reader has already "heard" the person speaking before knowing their identity. Reversing the order--having the nurse grip his wrist and then speak, is clearer.

“Nicolas Everyn,” a voice said my name. Two officers were standing in front of me. My Comment: Same comment as above. If he's been asleep or has hiseyes closed, then give us a sense of the timbre of the voices. How does he know they are officers? Are they wearing uniforms?

“Can you tell me there race?” the officer asked.My Comment: typo: "their race..."

“Okay, if you remember anything else, let us know,” My Comment: Typo: end in period, not comma. Surely the officers would have asked more questions, such as "who would want to hurt you?"

________________

Ratings Ratings imply measuring work against a pre-determined set of standards. In a diverse place like Writng.Com, no such universal standard can exist. Further, the purpose of this review to help us both improve as authors. Ratings can only distract from that goal.

Several informal surveys show that that the average rating on WDC is 4, so I assign a 4 to everything I review. Thus, please don't give any weight to my rating, but know instead that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Remember, any review is just one person's opinion. The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks for sharing this item! There are hundreds of items on WDC that I could have selected for review. I selected yours because I liked it. I truly did enjoy reading this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
Check out my essay

on short stories.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

245

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3803299

Review of She Protests Too Much

Review by

In affiliation with Mainstream Novel Workshop Group

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

Elizabeth. Thanks for asking me to look at your story--it's always a pleasure to read your work.
__________
Item Reviewed: "She Protests Too Much"

Author elizjohn

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

__________
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

__________

Plot
An enigmatic conversation about unrequited love from long ago asks a question about the persistence of desire.

__________

Style and Voice
Third person limited, in the female's head.

__________

Referencing
No inconsistencies...although there is barely any referencing at all.

__________

Scene/Setting
You mention a window...otherwise I have no sense where this is happening...

__________

Characters
She and he, discussing why she didn't express her love long ago, he asking if she loves him still. This is almost all dialogue on a telephone, but you use it well to advance character and plot.

__________

Grammar

Adverbs.

You know I don't like adverbs. Especially in a piece like this one--with such a severe word limitation--they add words and reduce the impact of what the characters say.

__________

Just my personal opinion

I have several up-front reactions. First, I would give the characters names rather than "he" and "she." This will help to draw readers into the story and make the characters more real.

Second, I'd give the slightest indication of where she is located. Is it in her bedroom? Is she in her kitchen making bread? At her office? In a motel room? Is she using a cell phone or land line? Use the setting to not only orient the readers but to tell the story. For example, maybe she's in a motel room. Maybe there's an open phone book on the bed. Maybe she's not unpacked her bags. Reveal this bit by bit, in a way that suggests that she's traveled there to meet him, but maybe has lost her nerve. You could do all of this with about a dozen well-chosen words, and it would add depth to the story.

Third, most editors dislike starting a story with a disembodied voice speaking. I agree. This almost always puts the reader outside the story, looking in. Instead, you want to put the reader inside her head from the first sentence. Maybe her throat tightens at hearing his question--then give her answer, and let the reader infer the question. This is really a continuation of the comment above--orient the reader and advance the story at the same time. It wouldn't take more than a few words.

Overall, I like the plot and the approach you've taken to the prompt. But I think you can and should do more to orient the reader. I think there's some places where you can tighten the prose as well--noted below.

Thanks again for asking me to read this. Since you're planning to submit this for publication, I've been a bit more detailed than usual with my suggestions. I hope they help!!!

__________

Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
__________
She flustered, but then recovered. “Oh, well, yea, I was! But really, it’s not like you didn’t know.” Even with her admittance, she was accusatory.My Comment: The last sentence, describing her tone, occurs too late: the readers have already "heard" her speak. Also, we know she's admitted something, so "after her admittance" is redundant.

He turned it back on her.My Comment: Author intruding to state a fact. This tells us what's going to be in his speech as opposed to showing anything.

She walked over to the window. “I guess I know that…I do. And I know you had your reasons for not…not feeling the same way, but still, it would’ve been…humiliating.” She paused, lightly grazing her fingers over the glass, following the lines of raindrops that slid down the pane. Now it was her turn to speak softly. “I just couldn’t do it.”My Comment: I like this paragraph because it adds movement, which conveys some information about her state of mind. However, I think more precise word choices would help. For example, when she "walked," did she "meander," or "stride?" Those are quite different pictures. The adverb "lightly" is redundant since she probably can't "heavily graze" the glass. Similarly, "speak softly" is a weak verb/adverb combination. Maybe she whispers? Also, "it was her turn" is again the author intruding to state a fact--something I'd ordinarily not comment on, except that every word counts given the limitations you've got for this story.

He waited a moment before he spoke again. “And now?”My Comment: "He waited a moment..." is borderline in his head. I'd have her waiting painful moments for him to speak.

Her heart beat rapidly in her chest and butterflies skittered about her belly. My Comment: "beat rapidly" is another weak verb/adverb combination; maybe "drummed?" Also, I think you need a comma after "chest."

__________

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out my essay

on short stories.

246

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3793198

Review of The girl with five gold rings in one ear

Review by

In affiliation with Mainstream Novel Workshop Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

** Image ID #1709415 Unavailable **

Hi, my name is Max. Thank you for posting this item on "Crosstimbers Review Forum"

. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you.
________________
Item Reviewed: "The girl with five gold rings in one ear"

Author Mrwriter

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

________________
Remember, a review is just one person's opinion. Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to critique my own work. I hope you find something useful here, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. Please know that suggestions are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

________________

Plot
This short tale is about Tiffany and Britney, two sorority girls, and their encounter with the spirit of the unfortunate Lilith, a victim of bullying who committed suicide a decade previously.

________________

Point of view and style
This story uses an omniscient narrator, in which the author stands outside the fictional events, looking in. The author knows the internal thoughts of all the characters; in fact, the author knows everything.

This narrative style dominated 19th century literature and continued well into the 20th. However, it has all but disappeared from commercial fiction today. About 30% of all contemporary fiction uses a first person narrator, while the overwhelming majority of the remainder uses third person limited.

In third person limited, for each scene the author chooses one character to provide the point of view. The reader can know what that character sees, hears, smells, and otherwise senses. The reader can know what that character thinks, as well. But the reader has to infer these things about all the other characters from through their words and deeds. The idea is that the author places the readers into the head of one character, and then the readers encounter the fictional world through that character in a holistic manner, the same way we encounter the real world. That's supposed to help draw the reader into the story and thus into the fictional world.

I think my main suggestion is to pick a point of view character and stick with that person throughout the story. While a novel can and often will have several point of view characters (but never more than one per scene), a short story is more often focused on a single character.

I have to say that I found the narrative style a bit difficult to follow as well. Most of your other stories on here use a first person narrator with a more conventional style, but this one appears to use a stream-of-consciousness approach. It's good to experiment in this way, and I like the concept for a horror story. However, I think this narrative approach works best when you stay in one character's head throughout. Shifting as you do from Tiffany, to Britney, to Lilith--and thus seeming to use an omniscient narrator--is part of what made this confusing for me to follow.

________________

Referencing
I saw some minor inconsistencies. For example,you refer to Tiffany's and Britney's "fraternity." Men join fraternities, women join sororities.

________________

Scene/Setting
The setting was more than sufficient for staging purposes--I could follow the movement of the characters and their relative placements. However, in line with the omniscient narrator, I felt that the narrator described the settings from outside the story, looking in, as opposed to drawing the reader into the setting through the head of the point-of-view character.

________________

Characters
The characters were pretty much the standard we expect of a horror story. There's nothing wrong with that--horror stories are often a kind of kabuki where stylized elements repeat and reinforce the thematic content. Still, giving the characters a few quirks, revealed in their words and deeds, would have helped to bring them to life.

________________

Grammar

Comma Splices.

The stream-of-consciousness style obviates most grammar rules, as the goal is to create an effect rather than a conventionally structured sentence or paragraph. Of course, this can also make the prose more challenging to write, as it must remain coherent while achieving the desired effect. Mostly you succeed at this difficult task.

I had a few minor nits, not related to the style, that I noted in the line-by-line remarks below.

Adverbs.

You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

________________

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the fictional world. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

This is about Tiffany and Britney having fun by testing the urban legend about Lilith. But we don't learn that lesson until the end of the story, so it's not clear what's happening at the start. We're not really afraid for Tiffany or Britney because we don't know the stakes. I'd strongly recommend some restructuring in which you establish the legend early on. Indeed, I'd consider having one of Tiffany or Britney be the victim of a prank by the other one. I had a sense of that--that Tiffany was leading Britney astray--but it was out of context of the legend itself. Making that plot element more explicit might add a real-world connection to the horror element of the story. Indeed, Lilith might show and take vengeance on Tiffany and rescue a more hapless Britney, adding an element of justice to the thematic content.

I like the plot and the characters. I like the idea of an unconventional--for horror stories--narrative technique. While I've made quite a few suggestions, I really do think that this is a strong story and I'm glad that I read it. Thanks for sharing!!!

________________

Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
________________
aggressive women use their feminine whiles,My Comment: "wiles"

knowing exactly what she what she was trying to do.My Comment: extra word

She eyed up Britney curiously behind her, My Comment: The adverb tells the reader she's being curious. What physical clues would reveal that curiousity to someone watching Tiffany? Show her being curious by describing those clues rather than telling the reader she's curious.

but still avoiding eye contact with Tiffany; feeling uneasy but still trying to look convincing.My Comment: The "avoiding eye contact" shows that she's feeling uneasy, so you don't need to tell the readers that. Her tone of voice might show that she's trying to be convincing. If you can reveal things about your character's state of mind by putting them in motion, in word and deed, rather than telling the reader, it will be more immediate and intimate for your readers.

After pushing away the many thousands of bottles away of beauty productsMy Comment: extra word...

She’s rumoured to return and brutally slay anybody she’s deemed responsible for her misery. My Comment: This is the omniscient narrator standing outside the story telling the reader a fact. If you could convey this information by having one of Tiffany and/or Britney tell the other the urban legend, I think it would be stronger.

________________

Ratings Ratings imply measuring work against a pre-determined set of standards. In a diverse place like Writng.Com, no such universal standard can exist. Further, the purpose of this review to help us both improve as authors. Ratings can only distract from that goal.

Several informal surveys show that that the average rating on WDC is 4, so I assign a 4 to everything I review. Thus, please don't give any weight to my rating, but know instead that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Remember, any review is just one person's opinion. The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks for sharing this item! There are hundreds of items on WDC that I could have selected for review. I selected yours because I liked it. I truly did enjoy reading this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
Check out my essay

on short stories.

247

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3776916

Review of Survival of the Strongest (Re-Write)

Review by

In affiliation with Mainstream Novel Workshop Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

** Image ID #1709415 Unavailable **

Hi, my name is Max. Thank you for posting this item on "Crosstimbers Review Forum"

. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you.
________________
Item Reviewed: "Survival of the Strongest (Re-Write)"

Author Shawlyn

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

________________
Remember, a review is just one person's opinion. Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to critique my own work. I hope you find something useful here, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. Please know that suggestions are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

________________

Plot
Simon awakes in a curious place: a cave, with florescent lighting and two peculiar companions. One, Michael, is strong and valiant, the other, Sammy, is fearful and withdrawn. None know where they are. A sudden voice asks after Sammy, and then offers help to escape. Simon resolves to escape, too, and to do whatever is necessary. The three struggle up a ramp and then meet a chasm. The only way around is a narrow ledge. Micheal and Simon makes it to the other side, and then Michael goes back to help Sammy. The voice interrupts again, and eventually Michael falls to his death. The voice announces only one will survive and it must be Sammy. Simon pushes Sammy into the chasm, determined to escape. The scene changes, and we learn the truth of what's been happening in a twist ending.

________________

Point of view and style
First person, in Simon's point of view.

________________

Referencing
Self consistent; the era for this doesn't really matter.

________________

Scene/Setting
You did a good job describing where they were at. For the most part, I had no trouble picturing where the characters were in relation to each other or what they were doing--with one minor bobble noted in the line-by-line remarks below.

________________

Characters
You reveal the main characteristics of the three characters by putting them in motion in word and deed. That's exactly right. We especially get creepy feelings from Simon as he thinks through what he's going to do and how to react to the other two.

________________

Grammar

Adverbs.

You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

________________

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the fictional world. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

I liked the dreamy sequence that built up over the first 3/4 of this story. The tension and mystery cranked tighter as situation worsened. That's good work! The transition to the final scene was also clear and well-done. However, I thought that the explanation went on a little long--kind of like the explanation at the end of "Pscyho." By the time this scene starts, the attentive reader will have deduced that most of the story was dream or delusion and that the main character is now in a hospital. As soon as you introduced dissociative personality disorder, readers will understand the context for the events they've just read. Thus, you should end the story as quickly as possible after this point. I'd move as quickly as possible from the idea of mulitple personalities to the ending sentence. That way the final line--which is great!--will have the maximum impact.

thanks for sharing! i love stories with a twist, and this one delivered.

________________

Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
________________
The level of light increases and I can see those around me are fully consciousMy Comment: Phrases like "I can see" filter the sensory information through your narrator. It's almost always more immediate and intimate for your readers to describe directly what s/he saw. Since you're using a first person narrator, readers will infer that s/he saw it. Indeed, that little step of inference will help to draw readers into the story. If you want to emphasize s/he saw it, have her/him react in some way.

Let me remark in passing that one of the challenges with a first person narrator is establishing the name and gender of your narrator. The sooner you do this, the better chance you'll have of drawing readers into the narrator's head and hence into your fictional world.

“My name is Simon. I have no idea where we are, or who you are for that matter.”My Comment: This seems like a curious thing to say. Wouldn't he instead ask, "Where am I?"

The noise catches us all by surprise. The taller and more muscular of the two strides confidently forward with an out thrust hand, which I tentatively accepted.My Comment: Note the adverbs. What about his "striding" lets the narrator infer he's confident? What are the visual cues that lead to this conclusion? Show, rather than tell, that he's confident. As to the "tentatively," again, this is telling us what's in the narrator's head. What's he thinking and feeling that causes him to be tentative? Show his emotional context and let us infer that he's being tentative.

The second was no more than a boy sitting quietly, with arms wrapped around his legs which were pulled tightly to his chest.My Comment: Your opening paragraph was in the fictional present, but here you've changed to the fictional past.

I don’t know how long we travel. There is little change in our surroundings. My Comment: back to the fictional present...

I crawl forward on my stomach to ascertain the extent of the impasseMy Comment: This is where I bobbled just tiny bit. I thought they were walking forward, with Simon trailing after. Michael drops to his knees and Sammy collapses. Then suddenly Simon is crawling. He's moved from my mental picture of him walking and standing to being on his belly, crawling. A tiny transition from upright to crawling would remove this little bump.

Sammy looks up into Michael's eyes and a reassurance, trust and strength pass between them.My Comment: The author is stating a fact, or the narrator a conclusion. What leads him to this conclusion? What are the visual clues in body language?

If events become to tense or stressed, My Comment: typo: "too"

________________

Ratings Ratings imply measuring work against a pre-determined set of standards. In a diverse place like Writng.Com, no such universal standard can exist. Further, the purpose of this review to help us both improve as authors. Ratings can only distract from that goal.

Several informal surveys show that that the average rating on WDC is 4, so I assign a 4 to everything I review. Thus, please don't give any weight to my rating, but know instead that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Remember, any review is just one person's opinion. The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks for sharing this item! There are hundreds of items on WDC that I could have selected for review. I selected yours because I liked it. I truly did enjoy reading this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
Check out my essay

on short stories.

248

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3769947

Review of First Scene from WIP

Review by

In affiliation with Mainstream Novel Workshop Group

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

** Image ID #1709415 Unavailable **

Hi, my name is Max. Thank you for posting this item on "Crosstimbers Review Forum"

. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you.
________________
Item Reviewed: "First Scene from WIP"

Author Brian

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

________________
Remember, a review is just one person's opinion. Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to critique my own work. I hope you find something useful here, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. Please know that suggestions are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

________________

Plot
Brett and his partner Myers are on what they expect to be a routine drug bust. Instead, their tweaked-out target has a young girl held hostage and threatens to kill her after shooting at them. The situation looks hopeless, but these two cops have worked togther before. Improvising with what's available and working against the killer counting down to the girl's death, they launch a daring attack that kills the bad guy and saves the girl. However, it seems that someone else might be in the trailer...

________________

Point of view and style
In Brett's point of view. no slips.

________________

Referencing
Modern day, from various references.

________________

Scene/Setting
Good job with this. Great description of the seedy trailer at the start and later of the interior. The action sequence was also exceptionally well-done.

________________

Characters
Right now, Brett and Myers seem almost interchangeable. I loved the fast-paced action you gave us--and editors and agents are likely to love it, too. Starting in the middle of an action sequence, with your protagonists in danger, is a great way to draw readers in. Still, I wish that each of the two main characters had some idiosyncrasies to differentiate them and make them more human.

________________

Grammar
A few typos, noted in the line-by-line remarks below.

Adverbs.

You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

________________

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the fictional world. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

This is a great, action-packed beginning to your story. You've got heroic cops, heartless bad guys, a damsel in distress for them to save. There's a touch of humor at the start--the Star Wars reference--but there's not much room for character development. I'm a sucker for character, but I think that you've got the right mix in this for an opening chapter in this genre. You've got an entire novel to show the full depth of these guys. Right now, it's the action that's the focus, and you've done a fantastic job with that.

It's a little early to see where this is headed, or what the long-term stakes will be for either character. Short-term, it's crystal clear. You've also got a fantastic hook to keep the pages turning.

Thanks for sharing--great job!

________________

Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
________________
Sitting in a wooded valley surrounded by Eastern Kentucky hillsides, the trailer was a blemish on the landscape. A missing section of sheet metal underpinning left a dark void under the trailer like a missing tooth. Of the remaining pieces, most were skewed or bent inward, as if kicked in anger or amusement. Overlapping pieces of duct tape wandered across a front window, a Band-Aid over the fractured pane. The only nod to curb-appeal was a worn tractor tire, painted white and lying flat in the small front yard. It had likely bordered a flowerbed some years past, but now highlighted the same mixture of weeds that dominated the rest of the yard.

Brett Myers studied the stack of cinder blocks that served as the trailer's front porch; three blocks high and four wide with no handrail. My Comment: Openings are critical in any piece of fiction. They are your first and best opportunity to draw your readers into your fictional world. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

This opening does an excellent job of orienting the reader in space and time. The descriptions are wonderful and creative. You also name your point of view character and have him doing something.

However, I think I'd make one small change. I would make the lead sentence "Brett Myers clutched his warrant and studied perp's trailer." After that, I'd launch into your description.

Here's the reason why. One of the main jobs of any author is to draw the reader into the story. The fastest and most reliable way to do that is to put the reader inside the point-of-view character's head. The sooner you do that, the better. By starting with Brett studying the trailer, you start by putting the reader in his head. This contextualizes the description that follows as Brett's thoughts about the trailer, where it's located, and it's woeful state. We're inside his head, looking at things.

The way it's written now, it feels like the description belongs to the author, standing outside the story, looking in. That puts the reader outside the story. You want the reader inside. It's a simple and subtle difference, but it can be huge in terms drawing readers into your fictional world.

His command was greeted with silence.My Comment: "was greeted" is passive voice, which puts your readers in a passive, receptive mood. Instead, you want them to be your active partners in imagining your fictional world. For this reason, active verb forms are generally better.

Brett turned to Myers, “Think he’s here?”My Comment: I'm confused. I thought his name was "Brett Meyers." Now it sounds like there's two people, "Brett" and "Myers."

Harper pulled the door shut and Brett heard the rattle of the chain-lock being unlatched.My Comment: Phrases like "Brett heard" filter the sensory information through your character. It's usually more immediate and intimate for the readers if you describe directly what he heard. If you want to emphasize he heard it, have him react in some way.

They had arrived at Harper’s trailer after being sent by the chief to arrest him for theft of ammonia and, quite likely, for running a meth-lab once his trailer was searched.My Comment: Here the story stops while the author tells the reader stuff. As author, you need to know this background, but the reader doesn't need to know it--at least not here, in the middle of a shoot-out. This is a novel. If this is essential information, you've got another 80000 words or more to convey this information. Stick with the action.

“Where the fuck did she come from.” Brett repeatedMy Comment: typos: question mark after "from." Missing period after "repeated."

Myers has came in behind him. My Comment: typo

Myers picked her up gently and turned toward the door.My Comment: note the adverb. What about his actions would let an external observer know he was being gentle? Describe that instead of telling us he was being gentle.

but he approached the door cautiously.My Comment: another adverb...

He entered the room and turned quickly to his right.My Comment:...and another. Here, a more precise verb like "pivoted" would do the trick.

________________

Ratings Ratings imply measuring work against a pre-determined set of standards. In a diverse place like Writng.Com, no such universal standard can exist. Further, the purpose of this review to help us both improve as authors. Ratings can only distract from that goal.

Several informal surveys show that that the average rating on WDC is 4, so I assign a 4 to everything I review. Thus, please don't give any weight to my rating, but know instead that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Remember, any review is just one person's opinion. The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks for sharing this item! There are hundreds of items on WDC that I could have selected for review. I selected yours because I liked it. I truly did enjoy reading this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
Check out my essay

on short stories.

249

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3766034

Review of Blood Demon

Review by

In affiliation with Mainstream Novel Workshop Group

Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)

** Image ID #1709415 Unavailable **

Hi, my name is Max. Thank you for posting this item on "Crosstimbers Review Forum"

. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you.
________________
Item Reviewed: "Blood Demon"

Author Crazy Writer

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

________________
Remember, a review is just one person's opinion. Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to critique my own work. I hope you find something useful here, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. Please know that suggestions are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

________________

Plot
This story describes a final battle between the narrator and the Dark Ones. The story opens with the narrator surveying the death and destruction of the battlefield. I think the bulk of the story is an extended flashback describing how the battle went, although I admit I'm not entirely clear on that. See comments below.

________________

Point of view and style
This is first person and in the fictional past.

________________

Referencing
The story avoids the info-dump temptation. You clearly have a detailed background on this fictional world, which you, as author, certainly need. But you've given the reader just enough for the events of the story to make sense and not burdened them with extra baggage. You've focused on action and slipped details in as necessary. Good job at that!

________________

Scene/Setting
Your opening paragraph does an awesome job setting the scene.

________________

Characters
Mostly we meet the narrator. We see his despair and his determination through his thoughts and his actions. The Dark One is a bit of a mystery, an opaque "other" to serve as a foil for your protagonist.

One of the challenges with first person narratives is revealing the gender of the narrator. I've got mixed feelings about leaving the gender uncertain. On the one hand, readers will assign whatever gender they want. On the other hand, it makes your narrator less concrete and thus harder to identify with. On balance, I'd rather an author were specific than not.

________________

Grammar

Commas.

I thought I saw some comma errors. I'm terrible with commas, so I won't try to point them out. Instead, here's a great reference:
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_c...
I've read it, and they're still a mystery to me. I hope it helps!

Adverbs.

You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

________________

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the fictional world. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

Generally, I think this story did a good job with the fictional dream, although I did suggest a tweak or two in the line-by-line remarks below.

In the second paragraph, there is a small time reversal as the narrator seems to be looking back over how the Warriors came to die. The sequencing in the third paragraph is where I got confused. has the narrator returned to the fictional present? Is he now describing ongoing action? Or is he still describing past events, during the battle?

The above confusion on my part is one of the reasons that flashbacks are difficult to do in short stories. I'd recommend you try to tell the entire story in a linear sequence. Not only is it less likely to confuse readers, it helps to keep readers in the flow of the story.

I enjoyed reading the vivid descriptions in the story. The action sequences were also well done. Thank you for sharing and keep on writing!!!

________________

Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
________________
Ash fell from the burning sky covering the field with a blanket of death. The sun, black and lifeless, slowly began to sink below the horizon. Bodies, enemies and allies alike, littered the field and neighboring forest, their blood soaking into the dry ground. Screams rose with the wind, the last pleas of those still suffering hoping for a kind hand to end their nightmare. A rancid smell of decay mixed with the evil presence of the Dark Ones to create a miasma that even the vultures would not venture near.

Without emotion I gazed across the battlefield.My Comment: You've got great descriptions in your opening paragraph. You orient the reader and establish the scene. But it's all as if an omniscient narrator is standing outside the story, looking in. That, in turn, puts the reader outside the story.

What I'd suggest is a simple change. I'd use the last sentence in the quoted material above as the very first sentence of the story. That puts the reader inside the narrator's head. Now the reader sees the things you describe so well through the narrator's eyes. They are inside the story, imagining it along with the you. That little change would increase the intimacy and immediacy of what follows.

As the last of the Warriors died cheers had risen from the Dark Ones;My Comment: This is one of several places where I think you need a comma, in this case after "died."

Quickly I regained my feetMy Comment: This is one of those adverbs I mentioned. Maybe he "thrust himself" to his feet, or "elbowed himself to his feet." "Quickly" doesn't paint a precise picture of his action and slows the pace.

He was twice my size, easily topping twelve feet tall, and wielded twin blades with ease. My Comment: "easily" and "ease" repeat in this sentence. Repeating words and phrases runs the risk of making your prose seem monotone, so you might consider tweaking this.

as he easily evaded my staff. My Comment: another "easily."

________________

Ratings Ratings imply measuring work against a pre-determined set of standards. In a diverse place like Writng.Com, no such universal standard can exist. Further, the purpose of this review to help us both improve as authors. Ratings can only distract from that goal.

Several informal surveys show that that the average rating on WDC is 4, so I assign a 4 to everything I review. Thus, please don't give any weight to my rating, but know instead that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Remember, any review is just one person's opinion. The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks for sharing this item! There are hundreds of items on WDC that I could have selected for review. I selected yours because I liked it. I truly did enjoy reading this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
Check out my essay

on short stories.

250

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3762098

Review of The Black Cape And Top Hat

Review by

In affiliation with Cross Timbers Contest GPS Fund

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

** Image ID #1709415 Unavailable **

Hi, my name is Max. Thank you for posting this item on "Crosstimbers Review Forum"

. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you.
________________
Item Reviewed: "The Black Cape And Top Hat"

Author Angus

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

________________
Remember, a review is just one person's opinion. Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to critique my own work. I hope you find something useful here, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. Please know that suggestions are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

________________

Plot
Ben witnessed the aftermath of a horrible murder when he was seven, 42 years ago. Lately, he's been having a troubling dream about that incident. His wife persuades him to tell her about the dream and the incident, and she sympathizes. She promises to help him forget when she returns from a pressing errand. He relaxes on his recliner and dreams of what she plans. Alas, another dream becomes reality.

________________

Point of view and style
Third person limited, in Ben's head until the final paragraph.

________________

Referencing
Modern day.

________________

Scene/Setting
Kind of sparse...I've got some suggestions below.

________________

Characters
Ben, Mindy, the man with the hat.

________________

Grammar
Clean copy...excellent work.'

________________

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the fictional world. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

The heart of this story is the middle section, a flashback to when Ben was seven. I think this works in this story, with the flashback framed by two shorter scenes in the present, but I have to tell you that this will make it harder sell. Many editors and agents will see a flashback in a short story and stop reading. That will be their loss, as I think it's the right choice in this case.

However, I think you could improve the flashback. In the first place, it's almost all narrated: told rather than shown. That reduces the immediacy and intimacy for the readers by huge amount. What I suggest is maybe playing with the point of view and narrative style, first. The framing scenes are third person limited, in Ben's point of view. I'd make the middle section a first person narrative, again in Ben's point of view.

Now, in the middle section, he's telling his wife what happened. That's fine, but as I noted above, it's telling. That's the problem with first person: it's so easy to fall into the trap of telling rather than showing. I'd rework the narrative to make it more showing. You've got Mrs. Nelson's speech. Add to it. What does his friend's house smell like? Do the stairs creak? How did he fell when he saw the apparition in the room? Did chills skitter down his back?

Put words in the policeman's mouth. Give Ben's emotional reaction, back then, to the interview and the condescending attitude of the police. Use all the tricks of craft to bring this alive, through the eyes of seven-year-old Ben.

When you transition back to the present, how is Ben feeling, having relived it for Mindy?

I've got another suggestion for this story, although it may not coincide with your vision. In my view, these kinds of stories are more effective if there is another, conventional explanation. Just as with the Dobermans, perhaps there could be a hint of infidelity on Mindy's part. A suggestion, somehow, that the man with the hat who shows up at the door is her lover might add that ambiguity.

I also wonder about the final shift to Mindy's POV. The story is over when the man bares his teeth takes the first bite. I'd end it with that, rather than shifting the POV.

I love twisty horror stories. You've done a fine job with this one, and the above suggestions are just tweaking at the edges. This story stands on its own and doesn't really need changes. If you think some of the above ideas are helpful, have at them.

Thanks for sharing. I enjoyed this...shudder...really, I did!

________________

Line-by-line Comments
Your copy is so clean, I've only got one comment here.
Some line-by-line comments follow.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
________________
I have a meeting at work I have to go to at ten,My Comment: This felt a little force, especially here. I'd inject this information earlier. Maybe she chatters about her meeting in the opening before she notices Ben's distracted. I'd be clear what the meeting is, too, that she can't cancel it. Is it work-related? Or church? Or does she have to take her ill mother to the doctor? It should be something she can't avoid, since she'd otherwise devote herself to her husband.

________________

Ratings Ratings imply measuring work against a pre-determined set of standards. In a diverse place like Writng.Com, no such universal standard can exist. Further, the purpose of this review to help us both improve as authors. Ratings can only distract from that goal.

Several informal surveys show that that the average rating on WDC is 4, so I assign a 4 to everything I review. Thus, please don't give any weight to my rating, but know instead that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Remember, any review is just one person's opinion. The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks for sharing this item! There are hundreds of items on WDC that I could have selected for review. I selected yours because I liked it. I truly did enjoy reading this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
Check out my essay

on short stories.