Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈's (mathguy) Reviews

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

Review Requests: ON

1,657 Public Reviews Given

3,026 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

In depth, detailed, and supportive.

I'm good at...

Elements of craft that draw readers into your fictional world and your character's head.

Favorite Genres

SciFi, Mystery, Thriller, Horror

Least Favorite Genres

Fantasy

Favorite Item Types

Short stories

Least Favorite Item Types

nonfiction, poetry

I will not review...

I'm only interested in prose fiction. I will not review anything over 4000 words, nor will i review poetry. If you have a longer piece, please divide it into bite-sized chunks.

76

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14 days may be credited.

#4551480

Review of Ruby # 2

Review by

In affiliation with Cross Timbers Peer Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi! My name is Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

, and I'm here to review your entry in the "Show, Don't Tell Contest"

Item Reviewed: "Ruby # 2"

by Leadwood

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Our contest has multiple judges, and final rankings are always the result of a group process. Remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
I love stories with Twilight Zone style twists, and this one delivered!

Effective showing of the information in the prompt.
(25 points out of 30)
Mostly you showed Roscoe's elements, but there was some telling in Ruby's.

First Paragraph
(15 points out of 20)
see the line-by-line remarks below.

Creativity and Originality
(15 points out of 15)
Great job here!

Effective showing--as opposed to telling--for the whole story
(10 points out of 15)
Again, the Ruby parts tended toward telling.

Plot and Pacing
(10 points out of 10)
Good job here, except that it felt a little disjointed. This might be due to the hopping between Ruby and Roscoe, but I think some of the transitions could also be stronger.

Technical Proficiency (such as grammar, spelling, proof-reading, and following the contest rules)
(4 points out of 10)
The contest specifically requires that one character provide the point of view. However, your story alternates between Roscoe's POV and Ruby's. In a short piece, it's especiallly important to pick one character for the point of view and to stick with it. You might glance at this essay, "Just One Point of View"

, for some elaboration why this is important and strategies for doing it. Longer pieces can have more than one point of view.

If you'd stayed in Roscoe's head throughout, I think the ending would have been much more effective. You've got an awesome concept for this story, and it deserves the best possible narrative structure.

Total Points
79 points out of 100

Just my personal opinion
This is a great concept! If you could tweak it to stay in Roscoe's head throughout, I bet you could get it published. Do keep writing!

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in GREEN.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.

Ruby was standing, the cold gray floor tiles and china white painted walls reflected a blinding light from the fluorescent bulbs above. Her head hung, her chin rested on her chest. Her eyes, her beautiful eyes, were closed.

Roscoe squinted against the glare. My Comment: One simple change would make this opening dynamite. Just lead with Roscoe squinting against the glare. This is him reacting to his environment. The “glare” is subjective, which also helps to put the readers inside his head.

Once we’re in his head, then arguably what follows is Roscoe observing his environment. If you don’t first establish his point of view, then what you have instead is an omniscient narrator, standing outside the story, telling the readers stuff. Instead, you want to engate your readers’ imaginations and put them *inside* the story. One of the most effective ways to do that is to put them inside Roscoe’s head.

he though he might be invisible.My Comment: typo

I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Even though I'm scoring this for a contest, I'm also reviewing in part for my own edification. Thus, as is my usual policy, I have given a rating of "4" to all contest entries. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade."

Again, these are just one person's opinions. The contest has more than one judge, so you shouldn't assign inordinate weight to any one review. Regardless, remember that only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for our contest. We hope you found it to be fun and a learning experience. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
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Thoughts on Writing

(NPL)
Short essays on the craft of fiction.
#1847273 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

77

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4547907

Review of Amenadiel goes back to Pylos

Review by

In affiliation with Cross Timbers Peer Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Item Reviewed: "Amenadiel goes back to Pylos"

by Becca Winchester

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
The presence of Amenadiel clues me in that this is based on the Lucifer graphic novels and TV series. If I've gotten this wrong, I apologize. I've occasionally watched and enjoyed the TV series, mostly because I've enjoyed Tom Ellis' portrayal of the eponymous character. In any case, I enjoyed the additional insights into the characters that this vignette provided.

Plot
This story provides explicit background in the DC universe for the fall of the Mycenaean civilization in the period 1100 BCE (before the common era). This links this event--through the fall of Pylos--to various other mythologies in the universe. These mythologies, not coincidentally, align with historical events, with Greek beliefs and myths about the gods (including parts of the Iliiad), and with various Biblical passages. It's the synergy between real events and various belief systems that make this thread in the DC universe so compelling.

That said, the plot is about the actions of the characters. Characters have goals that matter--the stakes--and confront opposition. The characters come to life by interacting, in the here-and-now, with each other and with the fictional world. We learn about them through their actions, in real time, as their words and deeds reveal who they are are. Inference rather than narration is the way that characters come to life in the imaginations of the readers.

So I must say that this isn't as much a story as an outline of a story. It tells us what the characters did and why they did it, but we don't actually see them doing things. This is despite some great, active language--things like your opening sentence, which is marvelous.

Style and Voice
This chapter uses an omniscient narrator, in which the author stands outside the fictional events, looking in. The author knows the internal thoughts of all the characters; in fact, the author knows everything.

This narrative style dominated 19th century literature and continued well into the 20th. However, it has all but disappeared from commercial fiction today. About 30% of all contemporary fiction uses a first person narrator, while the overwhelming majority of the remainder uses third person limited.

Omniscient narration has many advantages, since it lets the author convey lots of information with minimal words. However, no one reads fiction to learn background information. People read fiction for the human connection with the characters: their sorrows and joys, triumphs and tragedies, loves and losses. Narration chills that connection, which is why it's so much stronger to reveal things through the words and deeds of your characters rather than by telling the readers stuff.

In third person limited, for each scene the author chooses one character to provide the point of view. The reader can know what that character sees, hears, smells, and otherwise senses. The reader can know what that character thinks, as well. But the reader has to infer these things about all the other characters through their words and deeds. The idea is that the author places the readers deep inside the head of one character, and then the readers encounter the fictional world through that character in a holistic manner, the same way we encounter the real world. That human connection, done well, will draw the reader into the story and thus into the fictional world.

A novel can--and usually does--have many point-of-view characters, but there should be only one for each scene. A short story generally has only one point-of-view character.

Referencing
If this is, indeed, fan fiction, a link to the associated Wiki or perhaps IMDB page might be helpful.

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

The characters in the Lucifer universe are powerful archetypes, serving as stand-ins for the opposing ideas of free will and predestination. Both Lucifer and his antagonist Amenadiel are rather heartless, disregarding the collateral damage their dispute does to innocent bystanders. Both are at least somewhat self-aware and are fully drawn as fictional characters, having an abundance of flaws as well as traits that both explain their passions help readers to sympathize with them. But in the TV series and the graphic novel, we learn about these things, such as Lucifer's sometime-compassion, through their words and deeds, not through a voice-over.

This story shows you understand the depth of the characters, but it's all narrated--the fictional equivalent of the voice-over. The actual writing is excellent, and shows that you have the talent to produce evocative and compelling prose. If this is intended as a prologue to a story involving Amenadiel back at the destruction of Pylos, where he's striving to attain a goal in the face of opposing forces, then it's fine, and I'd like to read the story that follows.

Usually my reviews include at least a few line-by-line remarks where I suggest changes to the prose. The actual writing here is quite good, professional even, and I have no such suggestions, just the more general ones above.

You write extremely well. It's not just that it's grammatically correct, the choice of active verbs and the pacing of your prose, using varying sentence lengths, is also impressive. My suggestion is to pick an incident, a place where Amenadiel wants something in particular and is fighting to achieve it, and show us that story.

Thanks for sharing and reminding me that I enjoyed this TV series. I'll probably pick it up again. ANd do keep writing!!! Not everyone has your skills.

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out

FOLDER

Thoughts on Writing

(NPL)
Short essays on the craft of fiction.
#1847273 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

78

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4547247

Review of Chapter One - The Moon Crab

Review by

In affiliation with Cross Timbers Peer Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Need a review? Visit

Hi. My name is Max. I found your story on "Please Review"

. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

Item Reviewed: "Chapter One - The Moon Crab"

by ImaLukewarmPizza

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
One of the joys of reading fiction is encountering new worlds, cultures, and characters. You've built a detailed fictional world grounded by interesting characters, and added just enough of a soupçon of mystery to be intriguing.

Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

Your opening paragraph orients the reader in time and place tells us quite a bit about the narrator. It's good information to have, but it's all narrated--told--as opposed to shown through the words and deeds of the characters. Showing this information would be much more intimate and immediate for your readers. Since you have a first person narrator, "words and deeds" can also include his sensations, emnotions, and thoughts, but even here showing is better than telling.

Secondly, it's almost always good advice to start in media res, in the middle of action. Thus, your story really starts in the second paragraph, when Eduardo wanders through the desolate village to the coffee fields. The information in the first paragraph is good to know, but it doesn't draw the readers into Eduardo's head nor into the story.

Characters
We learn a bit about Eduardo, but, as noted above, a good bit of it is through narration as opposed to through his words and deeds. However, we are missing some essential information.

Compelling characters generally need to want something, to have a goal. The goal gives them something to care about. The goal has to matter: something bad should happen if the character doesn't achieve the goal. Those are the stakes. There are plenty of potential goals laying about, but none of them seem to matter to Eduardo, so the stakes are not apparent.

Finally, there needs to be something preventing the character from achieving their goal, an obstacle.

Conflict arises from the dissonance between the goals and obstacles. The outcome of the conflict matters--the characters care about the outcome--because of the stakes. The end result of goals, stakes, and obstacles is tension, which is the engine that drives your story and keeps readers turning the pages. Authors increase tension by expanding goals, raising the stakes, or adding obstacles. But it's tension that keeps the readers reading.

There isn't a lot of tension in this chapter, and that's because the goals, stakes, and obstacles aren't clear. There are plenty of potential candidates for all three. For example, it's obvious that Eduardo's mother is being abused. The problem is that he doesn't seem to care. It's also obvious that he's all alone, but again it doesn't seem to matter. There's the mystery of Juiia, and he does seem to care a bit about that, but it's all pretty subdued.

Now, I'm not saying you need to set your character on fire in order to have goals, obstacles, and stakes. But we do need to have a sense of what Eduardo wants. Once we've got that, readers can cheer for him, which helps to draw them into his head and hence into the story.

It's pretty clear to me that you DO have in mind goals, stakes, and obstacles for both Eduardo and Julia, so I don't think this is a significant flaw to your novel. But we need at least a preliminary view of these in the first chapter.

That said, I'm not suggesting that you drop everything and re-write this chapter. On the contrary, in fact. First chapters often go through several revisions, so you can always come back later to revise this. I'm often 40K or more words into my novel before I figure out what needs to be in my first chapter, so I'll write as many as twenty chapters before I go back to my first chapter for a revision. It's not uncommon for a first chapter to undergo a dozen more revisions as the author learns more about their characters and their fictional world. So, for now, stick with this chapter and keep writing the rest of the novel. You can always tweak this later.

Plot
Goals, stakes, and obstacles are the basic building blocks of plot. It's too early to say what the plot will be here, although the relationship between Eduardo and Julia will clearly play a fundamental role. See my remarks above about revisions--go ahead and write more about your characters. There's plenty of time to come back to your first chapter and clarify things, and it will be more productive to do it when you're more familiar the myriad details that come to life during the course of writing.

Hook
The most compelling hooks are disaster, dilemma, and decision. Ending with a goal, conflict, or reaction is weaker but can be effective, depending on the situation.

You need a hook to keep the pages turning.

Style and Voice
First person, in Eduardo's head. I think I saw one place where you told us what was in Julia's head, so be careful to indicate these instances are tempered by saying things like, "She seemed to smile in spite of herself," or "a hesitant smile flashed across her features," so it's clear that it's Eduardo concluding her state of mind rather than the author hopping into her head.

Referencing
I liked the way you revealed things about the village and the socioeconomic situation through Eduardo's interactions with his environment rather than narrative interludes. Good job avoiding info-dumps to get this information across!

Scene/Setting
See above. Good work using the scene to only orient the readers and stage the characters, but to reveal things about the social context.

c:lgrey}

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

I enjoyed this chapter and meeting Eduardo. You've created a detailed and believable fictional world, populated with three-dimensional characters. The desolate nature of the village, the mystery of Julia, the conflicts at Eduardo's home, all have enormous potential for a compelling novel. Keep writing, as I can tell you have a great story to tell us! Thank you for sharing.

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in GREEN.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.

The conversation made me uncomfortable, My Comment: Tells us he’s uncomfortable as opposed to showing it through his body language or other actions/sensations.

"I like to look at the mountain. My Comment: Initially, I thought this was Eduardo speaking, so a dialogue tag would be helpful.

She smiled in spite of herself.My Comment: How does he know it’s in spite of herself?

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out

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Thoughts on Writing

(NPL)
Short essays on the craft of fiction.
#1847273 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

79

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4546149

Review of Pets

Review by

In affiliation with Cross Timbers Peer Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi. My name is Max. I'm writing as one of the official judges for the "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest"

.

Item Reviewed: "Pets"

by debmiller1

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

Please remember, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

Ordinarily, I avoid "grading" stories, but, as a judge, I'm required to rank order what I consider the top ten stories. For consistency in my rankings, I've used a point system based on a few basic elements of successful short stories. To repeat, though, these are just one person's opinion. Writing fiction is an art as well as a craft, and each artist is different.

What I liked best
I like dark stories with a twist, and this one delivered!!!

This contest is all about characters. A memorable character almost always three attributes. First, the character has a goal. The goal matters--that's the stakes. And something or someone is in the way of achieving the goal--that's the obstacle. I'll be looking for all three elements in your story.

Character Goal. (19/20 points)
Gail has mulitple goals. One is to settle her recently deceased father's estate and return to her professional life. But, we learn, her professional life is in turmoil, and she's planning to relocate to a new job and city, feeling betrayed by all of her current friends. In this context, she meets her old high-school boyfriend, Dave. She's willing to reconnect with him, but has no thought of giving up on her plans to move.

Contrarywise, Dave's goals appear to be more sinister and less clear. He does, however, appear determined to rekindle their former relationship.

Character Stakes. (19/20 points)
Here, it's the conflict between Gail's goals and Dave's goals constitute the stakes. They can't both get their way, and the stakes are high since it's clear that Gail is successful and wants to return to her profession.

Character Obstacles. (19/20 points)
It turns out that Dave is the primary obstacle to Gail's goal. From the first momeent he appears, there are ample hints that he's a sinister presence. Gail sees them--after all, she's the point of view character, and we only learn of these things through her eyes. However, she dismisses them, and even feels regretful at her reactions. Like a character in a horror movie, she makes bad choices...

Opening paragraph. (10/10 points)
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

You name your POV character and have interacting with those around her. You orient the readers in time and place, and suggest the basic elements of the plot. Excellent work.

Point of view. (10/10 points)
Third person limited, in Gail's head. No slips. Good job!

Effective showing as opposed to telling.(8/10 points)
Good job here, too, although some of the plot elements seem a little heavy-handed. For example, why, other than malice, did Dave let the air out of the tire? And why did Gail fail to make the obvious connection between Dave's not-believable reason for checking the tire and it later going flat?

On the other hand, I loved the metaphor provided by the incident with squirrel.

Technical proficiency. (10/10 points)

Total points. 95/100

That's it! Remember, good or bad, these are just one person's opinion. Writing a story--any story--is challenging creative work. I commend you for your success and urge you to continue! Thank you for sharing your creativity.

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

80

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4546133

Review of Orchids In Orbit

Review by

In affiliation with Cross Timbers Peer Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi. My name is Max. I'm writing as one of the official judges for the "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest"

.

Item Reviewed: "Orchids In Orbit"

by Laurie Razor

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

Please remember, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

Ordinarily, I avoid "grading" stories, but, as a judge, I'm required to rank order what I consider the top ten stories. For consistency in my rankings, I've used a point system based on a few basic elements of successful short stories. To repeat, though, these are just one person's opinion. Writing fiction is an art as well as a craft, and each artist is different.

What I liked best
I'm embarrassed to say that it took me nearly to the end to understand what was happening in this clever story. When I finally figured it out, all the puzzling bits fell into place like an elegant mathematical proof or a Bach fugue.

This contest is all about characters. A memorable character almost always three attributes. First, the character has a goal. The goal matters--that's the stakes. And something or someone is in the way of achieving the goal--that's the obstacle. I'll be looking for all three elements in your story.

Character Goal. (15 points)
This is a public review, so I don't want to give too much away. By the end, the character's goal was clear. The lack of clarity at the outset left me a bit bemused, though.

Character Stakes. (18 points)
Change is a natural part of life, so achieving change is life-affirming, a truism more appropriate to some than to others but especially to the POV character here.

Character Obstacles. (18 points)
The world can present many obstacles to necessary change, and eventually I deduced what those were, too.

Opening paragraph. (5 points)
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence. Your opening is your first and best chance to draw readers into your fictional world and into the point-of-view character's mind.

I enjoyed the cleverness of the story, but getting inside the character's world felt more like solving a riddle than being embedded in their world. While you foreshadowed the reveal, I only saw this in retrospect. I enjoy stories with a twist because in these stories I think one thing is happening when the twist reveals it's something completely different. The problem with the twist here is that the foreshadowing bits confused me instead of giving me a visceral, emotional connection with the POV character his the world he lives in. That meant that seeing the twist at the end was more intellectually satisfying than emotionally.

Point of view. (10 points)
Third person limited, no slips.

Effective showing as opposed to telling.(10 points)
Good here, too.

Technical proficiency. (10 points)
Perfect.

Total points. 86/100

That's it! Remember, good or bad, these are just one person's opinion. Writing a story--any story--is challenging creative work. I commend you for your success and urge you to continue! Thank you for sharing your creativity.

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

81

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4546131

Review of The price

Review by

In affiliation with Cross Timbers Peer Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi. My name is Max. I'm writing as one of the official judges for the "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest"

.

Item Reviewed: "The price"

by BlueJay

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

Please remember, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

Ordinarily, I avoid "grading" stories, but, as a judge, I'm required to rank order what I consider the top ten stories. For consistency in my rankings, I've used a point system based on a few basic elements of successful short stories. To repeat, though, these are just one person's opinion. Writing fiction is an art as well as a craft, and each artist is different.

What I liked best
This is a creative variation on the classic "be careful what you wish for" story. As Oscar Wilde pointed out, the only thing worse than not getting what you want it is getting it.

This contest is all about characters. A memorable character almost always three attributes. First, the character has a goal. The goal matters--that's the stakes. And something or someone is in the way of achieving the goal--that's the obstacle. I'll be looking for all three elements in your story.

Character Goal. (18/20 points)
Locusts have ravaged the crops of Ronan's village. His family and friends are dying. He's heard of a wizard with great magic who lives in a distant village, and he resolves to travel there to seek his assistance.

Character Stakes. (17/20 points)
Everyone that matters to Ronan, including his beloved wife, will die if he fails in his mission. The highest possible stakes.

Character Obstacles. (17/20 points)
Ah, yes. It turns out the distance to the wizard, or convincing him to help isn't the obstacle. It's the price he winds up paying.

So, you have awesome goals, stakes, and obstacles, which means you should also have awesome tension. However, the story uses a nonlinear time line, and we start, not with the precipitating crisis, but with Ronan's return to the village. The time then shifts to the past, where we follow him up to the point where the story starts and we then follow him to the conclusion.

Flashbacks can be an author's friend. But in a short story--or in the first chapter to a novel--they are especially tricky to pull off. Just as the readers are starting to get comfortable with the time-and-place of one here-and-now, they are whipped off to a different time and place. This runs the great risk of breaking their connection with the fictional world and interrupting the fictional dream playing in their heads. I certainly felt this little break disconnecting me from the story and making the subsequent events feel less urgent and more distant since they were recalled instaed of happening in Ronan's here-and-now. That's why, even though these are great goals, stakes, and obstacles, I wound up not giving perfect scores.

I really liked this story, but my best advice would be tell it in a linear fashion. Establish Ronan's relationship with his beloved---a sentence or two showing them interacting can do that. Then move to the precipitating incident. Now the tension is high, and just gets higher as the crops fail, people get hungry, and Ronan's trip to the wizard drags on. We're cheering for him to save the village, so we share his elation when he does. But then we learn the cost. I think that sequence of building tension to a climax that turns from triumph to tragedy would make a much more powerful and effective story.

Which is not to say that this isn't a good story as it stands. But I think it has potential to be a great story instead of just a good one.

Opening paragraph. (10/10 points)
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

You did a great job of putting us inside Ronan's head in the caravan as it returns to his village. So good, in fact, that the recollection of the precipitating event felt distant, in the past, along with this memories of his wife==see above remarks.

Point of view. (10/10 points)
Third person limited, in Ronan's head.

Effective showing as opposed to telling.(5/10 points)
Writing to a word limit can be challenging. For example, we know Ronan's wife is "beloved" because the story tells us so. It would be so much more effective to him treating her as his beloved, maybe with a gentle touch, brushing a stray hair from her brow for example. It takes more words, but is more emotionally satisfying for the readers.

Technical proficiency. (10/10 points)
Good job.

Total points. 85/100

That's it! Remember, good or bad, these are just one person's opinion. Writing a story--any story--is challenging creative work. I commend you for your success and urge you to continue! Thank you for sharing your creativity.

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

82

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4546130

Review of The Queen's Last Knight

Review by

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Hi. My name is Max. I'm writing as one of the official judges for the "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest"

.

Item Reviewed: "The Queen's Last Knight"

by Octavius

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

Please remember, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

Ordinarily, I avoid "grading" stories, but, as a judge, I'm required to rank order what I consider the top ten stories. For consistency in my rankings, I've used a point system based on a few basic elements of successful short stories. To repeat, though, these are just one person's opinion. Writing fiction is an art as well as a craft, and each artist is different.

What I liked best
This story features a richly detailed fictional world and character who is bloodthirsty, cruel, and credible. I always think villains make the most interesting characters, and this one certainly qualifies!

This contest is all about characters. A memorable character almost always three attributes. First, the character has a goal. The goal matters--that's the stakes. And something or someone is in the way of achieving the goal--that's the obstacle. I'll be looking for all three elements in your story.

Character Goal. (15/20 points)
We meet two characters, Queen Testra and her knight. Testra's goal is chaos. Oh, and to inflict suffering on those who oppose her. Well, maybe not just on those who oppose her. She's pretty bloodthirsty.

The knight's goal is more or less the opposite, to bring order out of chaos. How this leads him to see Testra as the savior of the world is one of the main things that makes this an interesting story.

Character Stakes. (17/20 points)
Well, the stakes for Testra are to continue to enjoy bringing suffering. Since her approach to being a Queen has, unsurprisingly, led to rebellion, she might actually get killed by the rebels. So her personal stakes are high--continued survival--even if the end is merely the gratifaction she feels from being cruel.

The knight's goal, though, is to bring order to a world where chaos itself has led to immeasurable suffering. So his goal is laudable, even if the means to his end is to sustain the common enemy that has unified previous factions.

Character Obstacles. (18/20 points)
Well, the rebels are pounding at the gates of throne room, and all that remains of the Queen's army is the Knight and the queen herself. That's thousands-to-on odds, to the obstacles are high.

The stakes, and hence the plot, are why the characters care about their goals. Hitchcock taught us that the audience, or in our case, the readers care about the characters. In order to derive tension from the conflict between goals and obstacles, the readers have to care about something, or at least someone. You've got reasonable goals, stakes, and criteria, but not a lot of tension because you haven't given the readers much reason care about the outcome. It's kind of there, with the suggestion of an emotional connection between Testra and the knight, but it's pretty tentative. This lack of tension is what led to less-than-perfect scores in this area.

Opening paragraph. (5/10 points)
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence. While the descriptions are good, I felt like the author stood outside the story describing events--see the comments in the next section.

Point of view. (4/10 points)

This story uses an omniscient narrator. A hallmark of this technique is that the narrator stands outside the story, telling the readers what's happening in the here-and-now. That distancing, being outside the story and telling things, is what has caused the omniscient narrator to all but disappear from modern fiction. About 70% of published fiction uses third person limited, and the overwhelming majority of the remainder uses first person. In both cases, the readers experience the story--or at least the scene in question--through the senses, thoughts, and experiences of a single character. The author shows what's going by putting the readers inside the point-of-view character's head and showing them interacting with the fictional world, which is both more intimate and immediate for the readers.

It would be a simple matter to tweak this story to be in the Queen's point-of-view, or even the knight's, and readers would be much more likely to identify with them and thus to care about the outcome of the battle.

Effective showing as opposed to telling.(8/10 points)
This story has a richly detailed fictional world with a complex history. Conveying this to readers is a challenge in a story limited to 2000 words, which is doubtless why there is some summary narration.

Technical proficiency. (10/10 points)
Good job here.

Total points. 82/100

That's it! Remember, good or bad, these are just one person's opinion. Writing a story--any story--is challenging creative work. I commend you for your success and urge you to continue! Thank you for sharing your creativity.

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

83

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4546126

Review of Told You So

Review by

In affiliation with Cross Timbers Peer Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi. My name is Max. I'm writing as one of the official judges for the "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest"

.

Item Reviewed: "Told You So"

by Mara ♣ McBain

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

Please remember, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

Ordinarily, I avoid "grading" stories, but, as a judge, I'm required to rank order what I consider the top ten stories. For consistency in my rankings, I've used a point system based on a few basic elements of successful short stories. To repeat, though, these are just one person's opinion. Writing fiction is an art as well as a craft, and each artist is different.

What I liked best
This is an extraordinarily well-crafted story. It makes excellent use of metaphor and symbolism, conveys powerful emotions with spare prose, and shows all the pertinent information through the interactions of the point-of-view character with her environment. This is difficult story to read due to the content, but it's a master class in short fiction all by itself. Thank you for sharing.

This contest is all about characters. A memorable character almost always three attributes. First, the character has a goal. The goal matters--that's the stakes. And something or someone is in the way of achieving the goal--that's the obstacle. I'll be looking for all three elements in your story.

Character Goal. (20/20 points)
Elle is returning home to her estranged mother. Her goal is initially to survive, but eventually it's more.

Character Stakes. (20/20 points)
We eventually learn that Elle is pregnant, unemployed, and has left her abusive spouse. She has nowhere to go but the home she left five years ago. The stakes start high, and just get higher.

Character Obstacles. (20/20 points)
Going home. Unemployed. Abusive husband. Pregnant. Homeless. No place to go but a home whose only resident is the mother who disowned her--and always found fault with her.

Note how the conflict between goals and obstacles increases each time we learn more about her goals and the nature of the obstacles. Similarly, we gradually learn more about the stakes. Each new bit of knowledge, incorporated in a holistic and natural way into the story, increases tension. This is the work of a talented and experienced author employing her craft.

Opening paragraph. (9/10 points)
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

I like everything about the opening except the first two sentences, which feel like a narrator standing outside the story telling the reader things. My preference would be to start if at all possible by putting the readers inside Elle's head. If you'd launched with her stomach churning as she walked up the sidewalk, it'd be perfect.

Point of view. (10/10 points)
Third person limited, in Elle's head. Perfect.

Effective showing as opposed to telling.(10/10 points)
Awesome. Really.

Phrases like,

They stood there, just looking at one another. A lifetime of ‘I told you so’ hanging between them.'

couldn't be better. It shows what Elle must be thinking at that moment without quoting specific thoughts. This use of indirect discourse is difficult to master but, as this story shows, is well worth the effort.

Silence "smothers" them is another example...I could go on.

Technical proficiency. (10/10 points)
I was too enthralled in the story to actually look for anything, but in any case didn't see anything.

Total points. 99/100

That's it! Remember, good or bad, these are just one person's opinion. Writing a story--any story--is challenging creative work. I commend you for your success and urge you to continue! Thank you for sharing your creativity.

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

84

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4546123

Review of The Trouble with Ogres

Review by

In affiliation with Cross Timbers Peer Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi. My name is Max. I'm writing as one of the official judges for the "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest"

.

Item Reviewed: "The Trouble with Ogres"

by Beholden

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

Please remember, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

Ordinarily, I avoid "grading" stories, but, as a judge, I'm required to rank order what I consider the top ten stories. For consistency in my rankings, I've used a point system based on a few basic elements of successful short stories. To repeat, though, these are just one person's opinion. Writing fiction is an art as well as a craft, and each artist is different.

What I liked best
I loved the zany characters and mythical elements of the plot. Very creative!!

This contest is all about characters. A memorable character almost always three attributes. First, the character has a goal. The goal matters--that's the stakes. And something or someone is in the way of achieving the goal--that's the obstacle. I'll be looking for all three elements in your story.

Synopsis: The trolls want to travel to somewhere--I don't think we know exactly where--and have a choice of two routes. They choose the quickest, but the one that takes them through a field of boulders that legend asserts is filled with ogres. One look at an ogre turns them to stone, so the chosen path is fraught with danger.

Character Goal. (17/20 points)
The goal is to survive the passage without being turned to stone. While this part of the goal is clear, I wasn't clear on why the endpoint of the passage was so compelling. Admittedly, we don't need to know this--Hitchcock would have called it a MacGuffin--but it would help if we had at least a hint.

Character Stakes. (15/20 points)
Since the danger is that they'll be turned to stone, the stakes are pretty high. However, the only apparent stakes to taking the longer route is that it takes longer, so it's not clear why they take this risk.

Character Obstacles. (17/20 points)
It becomes clear that the boulders all around them are trolls and others turned to stone at the sight of ogres. It appears that the sight of an ogre even turns other ogres to stone. However, ogres appear to be rather stupid, to put it charitably, which reduces the threat. As above, it's not clear why this obstacle is necessary except for the tedium of the longer but safer route.

Opening paragraph. (9/10 points)
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

You name your point-of-view character and orient the reader that he's a troll, both important things to do early in your story. We start with him remembering an incident in the past, but this helps to orient the reader to the circumstances, language, and culture of the trolls. Once we're back in the here-and-now, we get oriented on time and place. This is an unusual but, I think, effective opening.

Point of view. (10/10 points)
Third person limited, no slips. Good job!

Effective showing as opposed to telling.(10/10 points)
Good job here, too. You show the action through the words and deeds of your characters, as well as through the sensations and thoughts of your point-of-view character.

Technical proficiency. (7/10 points)
I didn't see any technical errors. However, the story uses a peculiar dialect for the trolls. I was able to puzzle it out without much trouble; after all, you can read a newspaper article if you blot out every fourth word. While I personally found the dialect amusing, I suspect, though, that many readers won't have the patience or tenacity to stick with the story. Generally speaaking, a stylistic element that calls attention to itself tends to distract from the "fictional dream" playing in the readers' heads. For this reason, I wonder if you might consider making the dialect a bit less opaque.

Total points. 85/100

That's it! Remember, good or bad, these are just one person's opinion. Writing a story--any story--is challenging creative work. I commend you for your success and urge you to continue! Thank you for sharing your creativity.

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

85

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4546121

Review of Beneath this Mask

Review by

In affiliation with Cross Timbers Peer Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi. My name is Max. I'm writing as one of the official judges for the "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest"

.

Item Reviewed: "Beneath this Mask"

Author Myles Abroad

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

Please remember, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

Ordinarily, I avoid "grading" stories, but, as a judge, I'm required to rank order what I consider the top ten stories. For consistency in my rankings, I've used a point system based on a few basic elements of successful short stories. To repeat, though, these are just one person's opinion. Writing fiction is an art as well as a craft, and each artist is different.

What I liked best
I love stories with a twist, and this one delivered. Awesome job.

This contest is all about characters. A memorable character almost always three attributes. First, the character has a goal. The goal matters--that's the stakes. And something or someone is in the way of achieving the goal--that's the obstacle. I'll be looking for all three elements in your story.

Character Goal. (18/20/20 points)
Sally is returning home to attend her mother's funeral. At the same time, she must deal with past rejection from townspeople and former classmates.

Character Stakes. (18/20points)
The death of one's mother is always traumatic. Here, it's exacerbated by the broken relationship between Sally and her mother, and Sally's lack of support--with the exception of her loyal friend, Jer.

Character Obstacles. (20/20 points)
The obstacles are partly external--Sally has disfiguring injuries. But it's clear that they are mostly internal. She rejects the people she encounters before they have an opportunity to interact with her. So the primary obstacle to her achieving the implicit goal of dealing with grief over her mother's death and their fractured relationship is internal. It turns out that the obstacles are higher, though--she's also dealing with guilt. There are hints that foreshadow this in the story, but it's brought out brilliantly in the climax and resolution. This is a most impressive story.

Opening paragraph. (10/10 points)
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.
Excellent first paragraph. You name your POV character, orient the reader in time and place, have her interact with her environment, and establish the basic conflict and plot of the story. Great work here.

Point of view. (10/10 points)
No slips.

Effective showing as opposed to telling.(10/10 points)
Good job here, too. you've revealed the essential story elements through the words and deeds of the characters and, in particular, thought the dialogue between Sally and Jer. I admit that I figured out the basic plot twist fairly early due to your ingenious foreshadowing, but I think most readers won't catch these elements only in retrospect, after the reveal at the end.

Technical proficiency. (10/10 points)

Total points. 96/100

That's it! Remember, good or bad, these are just one person's opinion. Writing a story--any story--is challenging creative work. I commend you for your success and urge you to continue! Thank you for sharing your creativity.

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

86

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4543488

Review of Untitled

Review by

In affiliation with Cross Timbers Peer Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Item Reviewed: "Untitled"

by *~Aislyn~*

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
I loved the dialogue between Bishop and the narrator of the story. I also liked the writing, which was vivid and evocative. Nicely done!

Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

On the positive side, you started in the middle of action, and the opening set up both the conflict between the two characters and the ambush that is about to happen. The active verbs and evocative language did a good job of revealing your characters of your narrator and a bit about the underlying fictional world.

Some tweaks. First, it's generally not a good idea to start with a disembodied voice speaking. This leaves open the question of point of view--who is hearing the voice? It's better to start with your point-of-view character acting or sensing in order to put readers in her head.

Second, it would be helpful to orient the readers in time and place. It takes a while--with the mention of the stone outcrop--to learn that we're outside and not in an urban setting. You don't need a lot of setting, but some early on to orient the readers would be helpful. Note that can orient the readers physically in space while at the same time advancing character and plot.

I double-checked, and I couldn't find that you'd named the narrator. This is an important step, and helps to draw readers into her head. There is almost never a good reason for hiding the name of your point-of-view character, although it can be challenging in first person narratives.

Plot
The immediate action of the story has to do with dealing with bandits hiding in a cave. By the end of the chapter, our characters have dealt with the bandits' guardians, but they still must deal with the bandits themselves.

The subtext, which by far the most interesting part of the chapter, has to do with the relationship between Bishop and the narrator. The animosity that's evident is counterbalanced by the equally obvious, if repressed, affection. This was especially well done, and will doubtless be a major part of ensuing chapters.

Hook
The most compelling hooks are disaster, dilemma, and decision. Ending with a goal, conflict, or reaction is weaker but can be effective, depending on the situation.

You hook us both with the action that's about to happen (decision) but also with their relationship (dilemma). Excellent work!

Style and Voice
First person, in the narrator's head.

However, I do have a response to a question you aske.

I may end up writing the story in 3rd person because I want to incorporate some of Bishop's thoughts as well. Currently undecided; let me know what you think!My Comment: If you are considering third person omniscient, I recommend against it. That style has almost disappeared from modern fiction. The most commonly used style is third person limited, in which one character provides the point of view. Authors may reveal what that character senses and thinks, but are limited to revealing the internal thoughts and sensations to that character alone--hence third person limited. With a change of scene, you can change point-of-view to a different character and still be using third person limited.

Some genres, such as SciFi or action/advanture, have several point-of-view characters, but never more than one per scene. Others, such as romance, might have only one or two point-of-view characters throughout the entire novel.

You can even mix third person limited and first person points of view, again taking care to shift point of view only with a shift in scene.

Referencing
This was exactly right for me. From the word "Dragonborn," I knew something basic about this fictional world. "Orc-like" was another. The characters are armed with arrows and knives, another bit of inforation. This was enough to understand the action in the story, as it was occuring. I trust that you will have further reveals in the future that gradually reveal more depth, as needed, but for now this is exactly right.

Scene/Setting
Lots of great work here. I just wish it had started earlier.

Characters
We have two awesome characters in this chapter. We get to know the narrator through her words, deeds, and thoughts. For Bishop, it's all through his words and deeds. You did a great job with both.

Grammar

Adverbs.

You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

I really liked this chapter. My main suggestion is that you tweak the opening to better orient the readers in time and space. This is something that involves a maximum of a sentence or two to put the readers inside the narrators head by having her interact in some way with her environment. Otherwise, the writing is strong, the characters powerful, and entry to the plot compelling. I don't have a lot for you in the line-by-line remarks--this was really well written.

Thanks for sharing!

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in GREEN.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.

“Oh, there once was a hero named Ragnar the Red, who came riding to Whiterun from ol’ Rorikstead…”My Comment: we need to know it's Bishop singing. I initially thought it was the Orc.

Realizing, he was still clutching the stick he had used to prod the fire, he hastily tossed it aside and switched the mace over to that hand. My Comment: Extra comma after "realizing." Also, since this tells us what was in the Orc's head, it's a small POV violation. In first person narrative, we can only know what's in the narrator's head. If you said, "Apparently he realized..." then you'd keep readers in her head, drawing a conclusion from his action. Alternatively, you could just describe directly what he does and let the readers make the inference on their own. The latter is probably preferable, since that act if inference helps to draw them into the action.

Arriving at the cave’s entrance, we snuck into the enveloping darkness swiftly and cautiously.My Comment: This is an example of those adverbs I mentioned. Here, "snuck" implies cautiously, so the first adverb just repeats what we already know. To convey "swiftly," you might consider expanding the description a bit, perhaps using it as an opportunity to describe the interior of the cave beyond being "dark." Is there an odor, for example? Or the sound of running water? Perhaps she feels her way by running her fingers along cold, damp rock walls. You get the idea, I'm sure.

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
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#1847273 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4540089

Review of Ruby's Husband

Review by

In affiliation with Cross Timbers Peer Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi! My name is Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

, and I'm here to review your entry in the "Show, Don't Tell Contest"

Item Reviewed: "Ruby's Husband"

Author Buttonose

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Our contest has multiple judges, and final rankings are always the result of a group process. Remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
I liked the use of the senses in this story, especially scents. Nice job!

Effective showing of the information in the prompt.
(30 points out of 20/30)
A mixed bag here. You did a great job showing the essential part of the story--that Ruby didn't remember having a husband. But other parts, such as her loneliness, you specifically told.

First Paragraph
(15 points out of 20)
Well, the story is mostly one long paragraph. However, your first sentence is quite good. You name Ruby, have her doing and sensing things, and you orient the reader in time and space.

Creativity and Originality
(8 points out of 15)
It's hard to write a story that ends with "it was all a dream." The basic problem is that the author makes a bargain with the readers at the start of the story. The bargain is that I will show you a fictional reality, but you must take me at my word and "suspend your disbelief." The idea is that the author and readers become collaborators in imagining the fictional world, with the reader filling in the myriad little details that the author omits or leaves out.

The "dream twist" works if the reader gets hints up front that the point-of-view character provides an unreliable viewpoint. Other elements of the story can foreshadow the dreamlike character, so that when the twist at the end comes, the reader slaps her forehead and says, "I should have seen that coming." The "misty hands" you used, for example, might have appeared in the first or second sentence as a foreshadowing vehicle.

I like stories with twist endings, I even like being surprised. But the most effective of these stories include foreshadowing that makes the ending fit with the rest of the story.

Effective showing--as opposed to telling--for the whole story
(10 points out of 15)
There are places where the showing is outstanding, but others where you fall into narration. For example, in the very last sentence, you tell us she heard another patient instead of showing the patient shouting, in the hear-and-now.

Plot and Pacing
(5 points out of 10)
This is essentially flash fiction, so there's not much build-up or tension.

Technical Proficiency (such as grammar, spelling, proof-reading, and following the contest rules)
(3 points out of 10)
Several issues here. First, the minimum length per the contest rules is 1000 words, and this is barely 250 words. Second, the fictional tense is inconsistent--it's a mix of the fictional past and the fictional present.

While adverbs aren't a "mistake," they are another example of telling rather than showing. Adverbs almost always prop up weak verbs, when a more precise verb would be better.

Total Points
61 points out of 100

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

I like stories with a twist, and this one delivered. You took the prompt in an unexpected way, which I also liked. Because of the length, this story is essentially flash fiction, which is extraordinarily difficult to write well. You've done a credible job with a creative twist on the prompts. Thanks for sharing!!!

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in GREEN.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.

tossing her coat on it's hook.My Comment: typo: "it's" is the contraction for "it is."

She looked at the college pamphlets, still scattered across the dining room table, and smiled. I'm glad that's done with, at least. She looksMy Comment: Notice the first sentence uses the fictional past, "looked," while the second uses the fictional present, "looks." The narrative should be in one or the other.

feeling rather lonely.My Comment: telling rather than showing.

At least in college I had a roommate...My Comment: But this is excellent showing that she's lonely. You didn't need the prior sentence that tells the same fact, and in fact that sentence weakens this one.

b}

She hesitantly pulled it open,

My Comment: This is one of the adverbs I mentioned. In this case, show her pausing, with her hand on the door, before pulling it open. That shows the hesitation through her actions as it happens rather than telling the reader she "hesitantly" opened the door.

I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Even though I'm scoring this for a contest, I'm also reviewing in part for my own edification. Thus, as is my usual policy, I have given a rating of "4" to all contest entries. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade."

Again, these are just one person's opinions. The contest has more than one judge, so you shouldn't assign inordinate weight to any one review. Regardless, remember that only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for our contest. We hope you found it to be fun and a learning experience. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out

FOLDER

Thoughts on Writing

(NPL)
Short essays on the craft of fiction.
#1847273 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

88

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4540088

Review of Ruby Who?

Review by

In affiliation with Cross Timbers Peer Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi! My name is Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

, and I'm here to review your entry in the "Show, Don't Tell Contest"

Item Reviewed: "Ruby Who?"

Author Odessa Molinari

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Our contest has multiple judges, and final rankings are always the result of a group process. Remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best

Effective showing of the information in the prompt.
(28 points out of 30)
Good job here.

First Paragraph
(8 points out of 20)
First paragraphs are hard to write. They have to achieve many, often conflicting, goals. First, they need to orient the reader by answering as many of the basic who, what, when, where, why, and how questions as possible. They need to establish the point of view and name the POV character. They should start in media res, in the middle of things, with the POV character doing, sensing, and acting. Finally, they should establish the basic conflict of the story.

Your opening does some of these things well, but not others. The POV, for example, appears to be switch off between the patient--who we learn is Ruby in paragraph six--and the ER nurse. At the same time, we're clearly in an ER, and we learn the basic conflict of the story at the end of the opeing segment, which constitutes a great hook.

Creativity and Originality
(12 points out of 15)
This is a creative and unexpected take on the prompt. Nice job.

Effective showing--as opposed to telling--for the whole story
(12 points out of 15)
You mostly did a good job of staying in the here-and-now and revealing the story through the words and deeds of the characters. There were a few places where the narrator intruded to state a fact--I included at least one example in the line-by-line remarks below.

Plot and Pacing
(7 points out of 10)
Well, the basic plot was clear almost from the end of the first paragraph. That meant there wasn't a lot of tension as the story progressed.

Technical Proficiency (such as grammar, spelling, proof-reading, and following the contest rules)
(9 points out of 10)
Mostly nothing to complain about here. I found a few items, but I'm uncertain about differences between US English and UK English. See the line-by-line remarks.

Total Points
76 points out of 100

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in GREEN.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.

I'm not a Mrs I tell you."My Comment: "Mrs" is an abbreviation. In this context, I'd write out missus.

Left to her own devises, My Comment: Devises or devices? Or is this a US/UK difference?

"It's Dottie." Her childhood friend. She opened the door to a virtual stranger.My Comment: Narrator intrudes to state a fact. Better to show Ruby reacting with a question, like, "Who are you?" Maybe even have a physical or subjection, reaction like thinking who is this "old biddy."

"It's been a while, hasn't it." My Comment: Typo. Question mark, not period.

"I'm not and never have been married." Ruby was loosing it.My Comment: "losing it," right?

I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Even though I'm scoring this for a contest, I'm also reviewing in part for my own edification. Thus, as is my usual policy, I have given a rating of "4" to all contest entries. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade."

Again, these are just one person's opinions. The contest has more than one judge, so you shouldn't assign inordinate weight to any one review. Regardless, remember that only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for our contest. We hope you found it to be fun and a learning experience. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out
FOLDER
Thoughts on Writing (NPL)
Short essays on the craft of fiction.
#1847273 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

89

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4518326

Review of Black Friday

Review by

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi! My name is Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

, and I'm here to review your entry in the "Show, Don't Tell Contest"

Item Reviewed: "Black Friday"

Author Odessa Molinari

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Our contest has multiple judges, and final rankings are always the result of a group process. Remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
This is a heartwarming story of a good deed by "Santa" on Black Friday. Besides being nicely plotted, it's well written. You are clearly an experienced and talented author. I'm so pleased you entered our contest, and congratulations on your well-deserved win.

Effective showing of the information in the prompt.
(30 points out of 30)
A really excellent job here

First Paragraph
(18 points out of 20)
A good opening. My only real quibble is that I wish you'd given us Ruby's name in the opening paragraph. Readers have an easier time identifying with the narrator when they know her name, so this is a way to help draw readers into her head and hence into the story.

Creativity and Originality
(15 points out of 15)
I loved the creative ways you showed the required elements of the prompt.

Effective showing--as opposed to telling--for the whole story
(15 points out of 15)
Special kudos here. No "telling" at all in this story.

Plot and Pacing
(10 points out of 10)
Another good job.

Ruby has a goal--to purchase a gift for her grandchild. This clearly matters, so the stakes are high. Initially, her obstacle is lack of funds, so we start with some tension. But here is where your skills really show. As the events transpire, we learn Ruby is elderly and infirm--another obstacle. Then she's dismayed by the bus in the bus. Indeed, we learn that the bus is crowded as much by the scents and poking and jabbing than by her saying "the bus is crowded." Later, she's accosted by the rude woman and her child. All of these in increase the obstacles, which in turn increases the tension. Finally, she falls and faints (or maybe the other way around), wrapping the tension even higher as we're reminded she's not achieved her goal. The tension releases in the last two sentences. Like all good authors, you didn't hang around after the tension releases, although there's a hint that she may have found a new friend.

This is really masterful plotting.

Technical Proficiency (such as grammar, spelling, proof-reading, and following the contest rules)
(9 points out of 10)
I think maybe I found one commma error. But, you'd be using proper English rather than the American version, so I'm even less sure.

Total Points
97 points out of 100

Just my personal opinion
Thank you for entering the contest and sharing this story!!! Keep on writing--you have talent!

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in GREEN.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.

BLACK FRIDAY! How appropriate. I unzipped my purse and poured the contents onto the table. No notes, just coins. One, two, three, four, five. Five pound coins stacked on the table. Two more left. Fifty pence, two twenties and a ten...My Comment: Good opening paragraph. "Black Friday" announces she's going shopping. Then she counts her money (on her kitchen table?), and which shows us that she's short on funds. The only thing missing is that I wish we learned her name in the opening, which helps to draw readers into the story.

As soon as I opened the front door the wind hit, icy, piercing. My Comment: Good craft in evidence here. First, we have the cause and effect in the right order. Second, the "piercing" wind is a subjective sensation, which draws the reader into Ruby's head. Nice work!

With my stick in the trolley, and my hand firmly on the rail, I dragged myself up the seventeen steps; one by one, breath by breath, cough by cough.My Comment: Another great sentence that *shows* the readers lots of information via Ruby's actions and interactions with her environment.

The bus was crowded; guess everyone's after a bargain today. My Comment: Comma splice. This isn't technically an error, but every editor I've ever dealt with has made me fix this kind of thing by putting a period or semicolon between the two clauses.

As I rose he took my arm and helped me from the bus.My Comment: I'm pretty sure you need a comma after "rose."

The automatic doors slid open[,] and a rush of warm air hit me[,] and my vision blurred. My Comment: Again, not an error, but I think it would read better with the suggested change.

I tried to look around for the toy shop, My Comment: This is another great paragraph, showing the required elements from the prompt by having Ruby interact with her environment.

My voice was muffled by the sound of an alarm somewhere nearby.My Comment: Passive voice.

I looked over at Santa, looking on anxiously,My Comment: A minor quibble: the verb "look" appears twice in this sentence. Repeating words and phrases runs the risk of making your prose seem monotone, so you might consider a different word for one instance--"glanced," for example, in the first case.

I was woken by a knock on the door.My Comment: Passive voice puts your readers in a passive, receptive mood. Instead, you want to activate their imaginations so that they are working the story with you. For this reason, active verb forms are generally better than passive.

I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Even though I'm scoring this for a contest, I'm also reviewing in part for my own edification. Thus, as is my usual policy, I have given a rating of "4" to all contest entries. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade."

Again, these are just one person's opinions. The contest has more than one judge, so you shouldn't assign inordinate weight to any one review. Regardless, remember that only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for our contest. We hope you found it to be fun and a learning experience. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out

FOLDER

Thoughts on Writing

(NPL)
Short essays on the craft of fiction.
#1847273 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

90

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4518049

Review of Ruby's Black Friday

Review by

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi! My name is Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

, and I'm here to review your entry in the "Show, Don't Tell Contest"

Item Reviewed: "Ruby's Black Friday"

Author BradJShaw ⚓

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Our contest has multiple judges, and final rankings are always the result of a group process. Remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
I enjoyed this story about love and loss and Christmas. We meet Ruby who was always eager to teach others "a lesson," including a young man in this story. But it's never too late, and Ruby has an epiphany inspired by her deceased husband. She reconciles with her son in time for Christmas. I liked the twist to the tale, too, but it's one I won't reveal in my review.

Effective showing of the information in the prompt.
(15 points out of 30)
I'd have to say at least half of the information is told in narrative form rather than shown. In addition, while it's technically "showing" to reveal information through Ruby's thoughts, it's better if they arise naturally in the flow of events. See my line-by-line comments below for more thoughts on this.

First Paragraph
(10 points out of 20)
This conveys all the essential information needed for the story, but almost all of it is told rather than shown.

Creativity and Originality
(14 points out of 15)
Ever since Dickens wrote "A Christmas Carole," the ghosts of Christmas past have inspired authors. It's a classic plot, and I loved the way you moved it to the modern era and folded Ruby's particular flaw into the story.

Effective showing--as opposed to telling--for the whole story
(10 points out of 15)
There are places where the story stops while the author intrudes to tell the reader things. I noted at least a couple in the line-by-line remarks below.

Plot and Pacing
(10 points out of 10)
God job here. The tension grew as Ruby chased the teen through the mall, followed by the apparition she finds in the corridor.

Technical Proficiency (such as grammar, spelling, proof-reading, and following the contest rules)
(8 points out of 10)
I found a couple of minor grammar errors.

Total Points
67 points out of 100

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

I enjoyed this modern re-telling of the classic Dickens tale. Thank you for sharing, and by all means keep writing!!!

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in GREEN.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.

Ruby walked fast through the mall, which was more overcrowded this year than previous years. Sheesh, she thought, the economy must really be booming this year. I haven't seen the mall this packed on a Black Friday in I can't remember when. There's just too many people here. I can't stand it. I will be so glad when I find what I came for.The frown on her face made the other shoppers who were passing by her from the opposite direction look down at the floor, and continue walking without saying a word to her. Normally at this time of the year, people were more congenial, saying "hi", and "Merry Christmas!", but Ruby didn't want any part of that this year, because the middle of December would be one year since her husband George passed away from heart complications, and that still weighed on her mind heavily. How can these people be so happy? She thought. Don't they knew my one and only true love is gone from me for eternity?My Comment:
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

There is much to like in this opening. You name your protagonist, which helps to put the readers in her head. You start with her doing, so you start in media res. Finally, you convey essential information about time and place, about Ruby's mood, and about her loss. This is all to the good.

I have suggestions, though. Besides conveying information, you want to insert your readers in the flow events in the here-and-now of the story. Narration stands outside the story, looking in, so it's better to use techniques that draw readers into the fictional world and into Ruby's head.

For example, in the first sentence you tell the readers that the mall is crowded and that she's "walking fast." In the first case, you could show the mall is crowded by the simple expedient of having her push through a crowd of shoppers. That way, we'd learn the place is packed through her actions rather than through narrative description. "Walking fast" is one of those adverbs I mentioned above--maybe she rushed, or hurried, for example. For another, you might turn her frown into an action/reaction sequence: she frowns and then shoppers look at their shoes. That way readers will infer their reaction, which is again better than telling the readers their reaction in narrative form. You might even have her scowl at a "Merry Christmas" from another shopper, again revealing her mood through her actions rather than narration.

Finally, the key bit information here is her loss, which is again revealed in narrative form. Instead, you might consider having her pause before a restaurant where she and her husband used to dine. This could then trigger her thoughts about her loss, just a year ago. That would be another action/reaction sequence that would make the flow of information coincide with the flow of events in the here-and-now of the story.

looking for the only store that carried the latest and greatest electronic gadget that her teenage nephew Billy Joe wantedMy Comment: This establishes Ruby's goal. It would be better if that were in the first paragraph--for example, maybe she pushes through the crowd to get into the Sharper Image store for the crap gizmo her nephew wants. ,

a young man close to about half Ruby's age pushed up against her from behind, without even looking back, or not even so much as an "I'm sorry, ma'am".My Comment: Good job showing the rudeness of the crowd and Ruby's reaction.

Although she was carrying a couple large shopping bags filled with presents, along with her bag sized purse, My Comment: This rearranged my view of Ruby, so fitting this tidbit into the opening--assuming it's essential to the story--would be better.

That's weird, she thought.My Comment: It's correct to quote internal thoughts using italics. Most editors, however, will deprecate "thought tags."

All the times I have came here,My Comment: typo: "have come." In fact, people think with contractions, so I'd suggest "All the times I've come here..."

"You are not ready to see me yet, although I have cameMy Comment: "have come..."

you have put Roscoe and I through. My Comment: "Roscoe and me." "Me" is the object of the verb "put."

On Christmas Day of that same year, not even a full month after she had encountered whatever it was that day in the mall, Ruby got to see George for Christmas again.My Comment: I liked the ending, except again it's told rather than shown. If you could show, from Ruby's point of view, what happens while she's preparing breakfast for Roscoe and thus why she gets to see George, I think it would be a much stronger ending.

I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Even though I'm scoring this for a contest, I'm also reviewing in part for my own edification. Thus, as is my usual policy, I have given a rating of "4" to all contest entries. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade."

Again, these are just one person's opinions. The contest has more than one judge, so you shouldn't assign inordinate weight to any one review. Regardless, remember that only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for our contest. We hope you found it to be fun and a learning experience. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out

FOLDER

Thoughts on Writing

(NPL)
Short essays on the craft of fiction.
#1847273 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

91

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4514007

Review of A Village With No Name - 17 / 18 / 19

Review by

In affiliation with Cross Timbers Groups

Rated: E

| (4.0)

** Image ID #2188763 Unavailable **

Item Reviewed: "A Village With No Name - 17 / 18 / 19"

Author kzn

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
Lots of vivid action in this chapter, along with disastrous consequences that Gideon will have to cope with.

Plot
Evans at last takes a stand and reaps the consequences of his earlier deal with the devil, namely Kane. This preliminary battle is mostly a defeat for Gideon, although he does rescue the children.

Hook
There's the march back to the village and the problem of the children to deal with, both of which are unresolved complications and hence could provide hooks. The bigger complication, of course, is the pending confrontation with Kane and his allies and what appear to be almost insurmountable odds with the addition of the Indians. I could wish for a stonger final paragraph to keep the tension hanging on Kane's powerful forces.

Style and Voice
I found several places where the point of view wobbled, especially in the first segment. See the line-by-line remarks.

Scene/Setting
Sufficient for staging. I almost always want more, but it's a matter of taste. You did include scent at the farmhouse, but how about in the cave?

Characters
Gideon has an epiphany here after a moment of doubt.

Grammar

Commas.

I thought I saw some comma errors. I'm terrible with commas, so I won't try to point them out. Instead, here's a great reference:
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_c...
I've read it, and they're still a mystery to me. I hope it helps!

Beware of repeating words and phrases, as this runs the risk of making your prose feel monotone. I spotted a few instances in the line-by-line remarks below.

Just my personal opinion
Another strong chapter. you've made Kane even more evil and powerful than before, given Gideon a very believable moment of doubt, followed by grim determination. I want to know what happens to Dicky--another remarkable and admirably drawn character, even if he is a mule. Hoss, too, comes to life in this chapter more than earlier. The nuanced relationships between the people and their animals really helped to bring this not-so-distant era to life.

Thanks so much for continuing to post these chapters--and I'm sorry I missed this chapter earlier. It's *really* good.

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in GREEN.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.

Bree sniffed and wiped her eyes with sand, stained hands.My Comment: sand-stained hands? But sand doesn't stain, so maybe sandy, stained hands?

his eyes momentarily blinded by the bright glow of the noon sun. My Comment: So, we're in Tim's point of view? If so, I'd start with him acting or sensing rather than Bree.

his pale, blue-green eyes watered from the pain. My Comment: Tim can't see his eyes, nor is he likely to be thinking about their color, so this is a POV violation.

lean stubbled cheek.My Comment: lean, <comma> stubbled cheek. I think. I'm never sure about commas.

The fear that showed on the young boy’s face made Jackson step forward.My Comment: Puts us in Jackson's head.

charred body and the stench of it made him sick to his stomach. Her charred clothing had fused to her tacky,My Comment: "charred" used twice in close proximity.

Gideon knew his horse was faster than most and guessed he would have enough time to catch Evans before his horse carried him into the tree line.My Comment: Too many indefinite pronouns to keep track of whose horse is whose.

“A villager was waiting for me at the house when I returned with the children.My Comment: children repeats from the prior paragraph.

but the monks he had seen walking around the old mission.My Comment: did you mean "like the monks?"

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out

FOLDER

Thoughts on Writing

(NPL)
Short essays on the craft of fiction.
#1847273 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

92

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4513852

Review of A Village With No Name / Chapter 20

Review by

Rated: E

| (4.0)

** Image ID #2188763 Unavailable **

Item Reviewed: "A Village With No Name / Chapter 20"

Author kzn

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
This is another great chapter. I like the added complexity of Mary Loo's appearance and her eerie similarities to Gideon's dead wife. I don't recall if you've previously mentioned that Gideon's wife was adopted, or perhaps a foundling, as groundwork for what is surely coming. If you have not, it would be an easy matter to add a sentence or two earlier on to help set this up. Otherwise, it'll wind up feeling like a deus ex machina.

I'm going to limit most of comments since this is well-written and, where I'd have suggestions, I'd mostly be covering ground I've gone over before.

Plot
Awesome plot advance.

Hook
You've ended with a decision, which is a good enough hook since it has tension built into it. I was a little unclear about the details, though--see the line-by-line remarks below. That's probably reviewer fatigue from not having read this in a while, but if not you might want to add a word or two to clarify.

Style and Voice
Third person limited in Gideon's head. There are places were it feels like the author intrudes to state a fact, especially at the start. Once the action starts, we're pretty firmly in Gideon's head. See the line-by-line remarks for an example.

Scene/Setting
Good job. We've been in all the spaces before, so we just need a touch to remind us, and you've done that.

Characters
Mary Loo is conflicted, but she's got her "save the cat" moment with her concern for the children. This establishes her and lets the reader cheer for her.

Even Scott seems to have his moments, but he's been such a swaggering, entitled creep that it's hard to believe he'll have a transformation to a "good guy" even under the influence of his sister. He's clearly got a cult-like worship of his father.

Grammar
Beware of repeating words and phrases, which runs the risk of making your prose seem monotone. I found at least one example in the line-by-line remarks.

Just my personal opinion
This is an awesome story with a terrific twist with the addition of Mary Loo. We must be nearing the denouement, so I'm looking forward to future chapters to see how it all winds up!!!

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in GREEN.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.

It was a little after mid-afternoon when they entered the main street, My Comment:Author intrudes to state a fact. Why not just have Gideon's eyes burn in the glare of the "mid-afternoon sun?" It conveys the same information, but because it describes Gideon's sensation, you've kept the reader inside his head instead of just stating a fact.

Gideon reined Hoss to a stop outside Watkins' office, dismounted, and tied Hoss to the hitching rail at the base of the steps. My Comment: "Hoss" used twice in close proximity.

“Only while you alive,”My Comment: typo

b}

“Listen to him, Scott,” Watkins intreated.

My Comment: "intreat" is an archaic form of "entreat." I'd use the latter.

he went quite My Comment: typo--"quiet," right?

for she was the spitting image of his wife Glenda; My Comment: foreshadowing, perhaps, of an actual relationship? I don't recall that there's been groundwork for this, but it's hard to recall when reading episodically like this.

“The best place for the children is in their own home. We could stay with them until some other arrangement can be made. My Comment: Again, I've lost the thread. Somehow I thought the farmhouse burned to the ground? Or is this the mayor's home in the village? But in the next speech, Gideon says he'll "bunk with hired help." What hired help? I don't recall there being any ranch hands at the Mayor's farm...

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out

FOLDER

Thoughts on Writing

(NPL)
Short essays on the craft of fiction.
#1847273 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

93

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4506116

Review of A Village With No Name - Chapter 16

Review by

In affiliation with Cross Timbers Groups

Rated: E

| (4.0)

** Image ID #2188763 Unavailable **

Item Reviewed: "A Village With No Name - Chapter 16"

Author kzn

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
Lots of exciting action here, and an awesome hook.

Thank you for continuing to share this novel with me.

Plot
The plot advances as Evans learns the consequences of his treachery on behalf of the nefarious Kane.

Hook
Awesome!!

Style and Voice
Third person limited, mostly in Gideon's head. However, I thought the POV wobbled in a couple of places--see the line-by-line remarks below.

Scene/Setting
Good job here. Lots of action, and in a new location, but everything was clear and the descriptions flowed smoothly into the unfolding events.

Characters
Gideon's concern for Jackson is a great character reveal--or, more accurately, continuing confirmation. Evans' tortuous twists are credible, I suppose, although he's not quite as thoroughly drawn. He's a coward, to be sure, but he's also concerned about his family.

Grammar

Commas.

I thought I saw some comma errors. I'm terrible with commas, so I won't try to point them out. Instead, here's a great reference:
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_c...
I've read it, and they're still a mystery to me. I hope it helps!

Just my personal opinion
The story continues apace. This is, of course, a morality tale as well as an action-packed adventure. We have right versus wrong, with money and power used to suppress helpless visitors. Best of all, Gideon isn't single-handedly "rescuing" the village. Instead, he's the catalyst for cooperation and defense in the face of greed and infamy. Truly, a metaphor for the times in which we live.

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in GREEN.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.

A lone rider sat atop his horse walking across the lawn in front of the large ranch house leading an unridden white mare.My Comment: I don't quite follow this sentence. Was the horse walking?

Gideon turned in his saddle, his face hard and without expression. My Comment: He can't see his face, so this is a small POV violation.

But the sight of the burning barn tore at his heart and numbed and confused his brain, My Comment: Hops into Evan's head.

and he let out a loud, throaty screech and heeled his mount hard in the flanks. My Comment: Serial "ands." Better, and clearer, to break into two sentences.

Aware of the danger Evans was placing himself in Gideon reachedMy Comment: ...and here we're back in Gideon's head.

Evans’ kept a tidy barn; farming equipment stood in neat rows at the center of the barn,My Comment: "barn" used twice in this sentence. I think you could omit "of the barn" at the end, as it's clear from context.

Just then, an anxious voice came from outside the barn. “Gideon!” Evans shouted. “I can’t find my family. Have you seen them?” There was a moment of silence. “For heaven's sake, Gideon, answer me. Where are you?”My Comment: Awesome hook.

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out

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Thoughts on Writing

(NPL)
Short essays on the craft of fiction.
#1847273 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

94

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4505475

Review of Attitude Changes

Review by

In affiliation with Cross Timbers Groups

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Hi! My name is Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

, and I'm here to review your entry in the "Show, Don't Tell Contest"

Item Reviewed: "Attitude Changes"

Author Mastiff

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Our contest has multiple judges, and final rankings are always the result of a group process. Remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
I really, really liked the plot for this story. It was an enormously creative retelling of the genie legend, or even maybe the old TV series "The Millionaire." I always wondered what Michael Anthony did when he wasn't giving away money. Anyway, this is an awesome story.

Effective showing of the information in the prompt.
(20 points out of 30)
This is a mixed bag, I'm afraid. There is some very effective and subtle showing in this story, where Ruby interacts with her surroundings and the mysterious voice on the phone and, in so doing, reveals details about her feelings about her life. On the flip side, though, there's a lot of telling, especially at the beginning.

First Paragraph
(10 points out of 20)
See above, and the line-by-line remarks below.

Creativity and Originality
(15 points out of 15)
Highest possible marks here!

Effective showing--as opposed to telling--for the whole story
(10 points out of 15)
This is the same mixed bag noted above.

Plot and Pacing
(10 points out of 10)
I absolutely loved the little puzzles that Ruby had to solve along the way. They lent a fable-like feeling to the story.

Technical Proficiency (such as grammar, spelling, proof-reading, and following the contest rules)
(10 points out of 10)
I think I found one typo.

Total Points
75 points out of 100

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

I absolutely *loved* this story. However, because the focus of this contest is "show, don't tell," all the little spots where you tell rather than show hold down the score. It would be an almost trivial exersize to just cut the parts where you tell, as the essential information is almost all revealed later as Ruby interacts with the caller and her environment. By all means, keep writing and thank you for sharing this awesome story.

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in GREEN.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.

She found life boring. In fact, Ruby felt it had become an anchor that was tied about her waist, and needed to be dragged everywhere. Traffic was snarled in the gray rainy day, and with the light fading in the city, it was a sea of taillights. She knew the commute would be even worse than usual.My Comment: This opening paragraph is almost all telling. We learn that Ruby finds life boring, an anchor tied to her waist. We learn that traffic is bad. In the last sentence we learn what Ruby knows.

Truly, it wouldn't be difficult to change most of this to showing rather than telling. If you start with Ruby sensing or doing, you'll put readers in her head. Then, the great sentence about the gray, rainy day and the sea of headlights becomes something RUBY is thinking rather than something the author, standing outside the story, is telling us.

Getting Ruby's ennui into the opening is harder, but maybe she heaves a weary sigh at yet another traffic jam, and then use the traffic as a metaphor for her life--as you do in the next paragraph.

What had started out as a wonderful job years back had become stale. My Comment: Everything in this paragraph is narrated background. This is important information, to be sure, but it's all told as opposed to shown. It's much stronger to reveal this kind of information through the words and deeds of your characters.

the phone rings, Ruby answers, and her life forever changes. My Comment: The omniscient narrator appears with foreknowledge of what is going to happen, hence this is telling as opposed to showing.

"I'm a little too old for games." As the words left her lips, there was a hint of butterflies in her tummy.My Comment: Here, you do a good job of subtly revealing aspects of Ruby's character and her life. Readers can and will infer much from this exchange.

"Choices. Right. Because that's clearly what I'm so good at doing." She thought of the drudgery life had become.My Comment: More good use of her words and inner thoughts to reveal things. You didn't really need the narrated paragraph above because you are showing the essentials here.

"He said 'correct' and that's the same a right!" She said aloud.My Comment: One of the things I liked best about this story were the little puzzles that Ruby had to solve along the way. I suspect some readers won't like this, but for me it gave the story the feeling of a modern fable. I thought this was quite creative.

so she made a very unusual decision not at all like her. My Comment: Back to telling...maybe she adrenalin tingles out her fingertips at the impulsive decision.

She was exhilarated!My Comment: To convey the information that this was unusual for her, she could think here that maybe she should follow her impulses more often. That's her thoughts revealing that that being impulsive is uncharacteristic for her in the context of events. Of course, if you could show her exhilaration as opposed to just telling us about it, that would be better still.

Ruby open the car door with a groan My Comment: typo: opened.

It seemed everything in life either needed to be replaced or repaired, and oh how nice it would be to do it. My Comment: Another effective bit of showing via her interaction with the world around her. Here, her internal thoughts arise in a natural way and reveal the ennui that is central to her character. Again, this obviates the need for the "info-dump" paragraph earlier.

Ruby had been on the island for over two weeks, and it was marvelous.My Comment: This transition could have been smoother...Also, note, you are telling us she thinks it's "marvelous."

I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Even though I'm scoring this for a contest, I'm also reviewing in part for my own edification. Thus, as is my usual policy, I have given a rating of "4" to all contest entries. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade."

Again, these are just one person's opinions. The contest has more than one judge, so you shouldn't assign inordinate weight to any one review. Regardless, remember that only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for our contest. We hope you found it to be fun and a learning experience. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out

FOLDER

Thoughts on Writing

(NPL)
Short essays on the craft of fiction.
#1847273 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

95

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4505462

Review of Traffic Jam

Review by

In affiliation with Cross Timbers Groups

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi! My name is Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

, and I'm here to review your entry in the "Show, Don't Tell Contest"

Item Reviewed: "Traffic Jam"

Author Chris Breva

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Our contest has multiple judges, and final rankings are always the result of a group process. Remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
I enjoyed the twist that resolved the tension of the story--his concern about being late. I've actually made a similar mistake, in my case missing a time zone change for a connecting flight.

Effective showing of the information in the prompt.
(20 points out of 30)
I thought this was kind of a mixed bag, with some narrated telling and some showing.

First Paragraph
(10 points out of 20)
The first three sentences of the opening paragraph are all telling. You do a good job of showing Roscooe's impatience.

Creativity and Originality
(15 points out of 15)
I liked the resolution of the twist, as noted above. Quite creative and realistic, too.

Effective showing--as opposed to telling--for the whole story
(12 points out of 15)
As noted above, this is kind of a mixed bag, with some excellent showing along with some narrated telling.

Plot and Pacing
(8 points out of 10)
I liked the plot but, for example, we learn in the opening paragraph that it's snowing. This doesn't appear again in the story. Are you familiar with Chekhov's rifle? He said that if a rifle appears over the mantel in Act I, then someone must fire it by Act III. The point is that information like the snow should serve a purpose in the story, especially if it's important enough to place in the first paragraph.

Technical Proficiency (such as grammar, spelling, proof-reading, and following the contest rules)
(10 points out of 10)
Good job here!!

Total Points
70 points out of 100

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

Mostly you did a fine job of keeping the readers in the here-and-now of the story, and I enjoyed the plot twist at the end along with the story itself. Keep writing, and thanks for sharing!

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in GREEN.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.

This is the first day of a new job. Traffic is stopping in all lanes. It is beginning to snow. My Comment: These are all statement of facts, i.e., they are the author telling the reader things. If Roscoe appeared *before* these statements, one could argue these were his thoughts, but we don't have that context until the next sentence. Thus, this is telling as opposed to showing.

Roscoe is chewing his lip and drumming his fingers on the steering wheel. My Comment: Good job showing his impatience.

“Oh, this is just great! This is my first day at a new job,My Comment: Repeats information previously told in the opening paragraph. However, here you show it, since it's revealed in Roscoe's words.

Your number is in my contacts, as are the numbers of most of our valued customers. My Comment: Why is Roscoe such a valued customer? Does he have a huge account with the bank? If not, it must be an extremely small bank for Sam to recognize him and have his number in his contacts.

Changing the tire and tightening the bolts was an additional ten minutes. My Comment: He did all this without pulling over, while still in the traffic lane? There was no movement for over 20 minutes? I've been in LOTS of traffic jams in cities like LA, Dallas, and even Brussels, but never one this bad.

I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Even though I'm scoring this for a contest, I'm also reviewing in part for my own edification. Thus, as is my usual policy, I have given a rating of "4" to all contest entries. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade."

Again, these are just one person's opinions. The contest has more than one judge, so you shouldn't assign inordinate weight to any one review. Regardless, remember that only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for our contest. We hope you found it to be fun and a learning experience. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out

FOLDER

Thoughts on Writing

(NPL)
Short essays on the craft of fiction.
#1847273 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

96

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4505458

Review of Halloween Mystery

Review by

In affiliation with Cross Timbers Groups

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi! My name is Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

, and I'm here to review your entry in the "Show, Don't Tell Contest"

Item Reviewed: "Halloween Mystery"

Author QueenNormaJeanGreeneggs&vegham

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Our contest has multiple judges, and final rankings are always the result of a group process. Remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
I like stories with a twist, and this one certainly has one! I liked Ruby's last name, too, although it turned out to have not much to do with the story.

Effective showing of the information in the prompt.
(25 points out of 30)
Mostly, you did an excellent job of showing. However, here and there you narrated things, or had Ruby tell us, as opposed to showing. It's certainly "showing" to reveal things in dialogue, even internal dialogue, but authors should take care in using this technique as it can become telling and pull the readers out of the here-and-now.

First Paragraph
(20 points out of 20)
Good first paragrph.

Creativity and Originality
(12 points out of 15)
The twist in the tale was a good one. However, I think it would have worked better if you could have somehow worked her conflict with Roscoe earlier into the story. Perhaps the car in front of her looks like the one he used to drive, for example. That gives her an example to express relief that he's out of her life, probably off hiding from the police. Foreshadowing without foretelling is an art unto itself, but for twists to work, the reader needs *not* see what's coming, but realized when the twist occurs they *should* have seen it coming.

Effective showing--as opposed to telling--for the whole story
(12 points out of 15)
See the comments above...

Plot and Pacing
(8 points out of 10)
I liked the plot, except that the appearance of Roscoe seemed to come out of nowhere...

Technical Proficiency (such as grammar, spelling, proof-reading, and following the contest rules)
(10 points out of 10)
No comments here--good job.

Total Points
87 points out of 100

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

Mostly, this story did a good job with the fictive dream. I made of couple of comments in the line-by-lline remarks below where you might consider tweaking it, but overall I liked this story quite a lot. Thanks for sharing, and keep on writing!!!

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in GREEN.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.

“What in the world is taking so long?’ thought Ruby.My Comment: Most editors deprecate "thought tags" in favor of, for example, italicizing internal thoughts. Thus, the preferred formatting would be
What in the world is taking so long.
Alternatively, you could have her mutter to herself, thereby enabling you to use her name in the dialogue tag.

She slammed the palm of her hand against the steering wheel.My Comment: Good use of her actions to show her frustration.

The phone rang again. Again the weird number.My Comment: Notice here, you've inserted her internal thought--"Again the weird number"--without a thought tag and without italics. This is actually even better than italics. Once you've put the readers inside Ruby's head, then anything on the page is arguably something she's sensed, felt, or thought. Thus, inserting her thoughts in this way is a technique called "free direct discourse." See "Really Just One Point of View" for more discussion.

She found that just the wee bit strange.My Comment: Tells the readers what she wonders. If, instead, you'd written something like
Strange. It didn't go to voicemail.
then it would have free direct discourse, as above, and shown via her internal thought that she found it strange.

Ruby fumesMy Comment: Telling...

her cell phone rang again.My Comment: the one with the dead battery? Did she re-charge it, or is it her land-line?

“Alright, this is getting pretty freaky. No more phone calls tonight.” Ruby turned off the cell phone and threw it across the room. “Good riddance.”My Comment: From what follows, it's clear that she must have recognized the voice. Since the reader is supposed to be in her head, it's kind of a POV violation to fail to reveal this fact as it happened.

I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Even though I'm scoring this for a contest, I'm also reviewing in part for my own edification. Thus, as is my usual policy, I have given a rating of "4" to all contest entries. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade."

Again, these are just one person's opinions. The contest has more than one judge, so you shouldn't assign inordinate weight to any one review. Regardless, remember that only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for our contest. We hope you found it to be fun and a learning experience. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out

FOLDER

Thoughts on Writing

(NPL)
Short essays on the craft of fiction.
#1847273 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

97

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4490437

Review of D is for Monkey

Review by

In affiliation with Cross Timbers Groups

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

** Image ID #2188763 Unavailable **

Item Reviewed: "D is for Monkey"

Author Ezekiel Stephens

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
I like unusual pieces that push at conventional boundaries, and this certainly does that. If your goal was to create a narrative that replicated dreaming, I think you did a good job! I'm just not quite sure that was your goal...

Characters
I'll start with the narrator. He has a mature voice, with a good vocabulary and command of the language, which says that the author does as well. To succeed as a fictional character, however, I think some things need to be clearer.

Kurt Vonnegut said that every character needs to want something, even if it's just a glass of water. The narrator appears to be adrift, not wanting anything in particular. S/he doesn't even seem to be motivated by curiosity about the surreal world of the story.

In addition to wanting something, what they want has to matter--at least to the character. Something bad has to happen if they don't achieve their goal. These are the stakes.

Finally, something has to stand between the character and the goal, an obstacle.

Collectively, goals, stakes and obstacles give rise to tension, which is the energy that drives your story keeps readers turning the page.

Now, you've got elements that could easily be tweaked into goals, stakes, and obstacles. For example, why does the narrator get on the bus? Maybe he feels an irresistible compulsion to board, or maybe he just wants to see what's inside. There is an undercurrent of danger in the bus that eventually leads to a threatening monster. How does that relate to why he's on the bus? Why can't he just leave the bus? As an author, you need to know the answer to questions like this, and then guide the readers to understand why things are happening the way they are.

Tom Clancy said that fiction is different from the real world because fiction has to make sense. Show the reader enough of the fictional world and what's in the narrator's head that you start a dream--a fictional dream--playing the reader's heads.

Even if the goal is to emulate the experience of a dream, the narrator would still have emotions, goals, and needs that, even in the dream, mattered.

So, on a basic level, I think we need more clarity about the narrator, and thus more insight as to what is happening and--most importantly--why we should care about what is happening.

Style and Voice
You've chosen a first person narrator. You've given the narrator a consistent, if rather detached, voice. There's nothing wrong with a detached voice, but you still need to include ways to hook the reader into the narrator's head. For example, I'm pretty sure we don't know the narrator's gender, and I'm certain we don't have a name for the narrator. These are two simple and direct ways to help readers connect with the narrator. Other ways include subjective emotions and sensations--sight, smell, touch, for example--that only the narrator can feel. Describing those helps draw readers into the narrator's head and hence inside the story.

Scene/Setting
The setting is surreal, with some fine, vivid descriptions. This is one of the strenghts of the story.

Grammar
While I don't read for grammar, I almost always find things to whine about. Not here. Good job!

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

Thanks for sharing this with me. I enjoyed it for the surreal atmosphere and dream-like sequence of events. You have a mastery of language and imagery. Do keep on writing!!!

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in GREEN.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.

The kid in front of me steps from the dirty grey concrete ground up onto the school bus. It is dirty and old,My Comment: Be careful about repeating words and phrases since it runs the risk of making your prose seem monotone. The word "dirty" is used twice here.

The kid in front of me steps from the dirty grey concrete ground up onto the school bus. It is dirty and old,My Comment: Be careful about repeating words and phrases since it runs the risk of making your prose seem monotone. The word "dirty" is used twice here.

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out

FOLDER

Thoughts on Writing

(NPL)
Short essays on the craft of fiction.
#1847273 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

98

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4490226

Review of A Village With No Name / Chapter 14 / 15

Review by

In affiliation with Cross Timbers Groups

Rated: E

| (4.0)

** Image ID #2188763 Unavailable **

Item Reviewed: "A Village With No Name / Chapter 14 / 15"

Author kzn

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
Another solid chapter. I like Kane behind bars, and fast thinking of Tim. Of course, there is still a lot of tension and much to resolve.

Hook
The next scene will be at the ranch, right? So I'd consider *ending* with Gideon and his team heading to the ranch, to set up the conflict in the next chapter.

Style and Voice
The point of view in the second half stayed pretty firmly in Gideon's head. However, in the first half, it wavered quite a bit. I'd consider staying in Tim's head the entire time. Staying with one character will be more intimate and immediate for readers, especially in an action scene like this one.

Characters
Kane is certainly despicable. It's kind of hard to believe that one of Gideon's deputies didn't just shoot the SOB in the belief that would liberate the village.

Grammar

Comma Splices.

Nothing major--just a couple of typos.

Just my personal opinion
These chapters introduce new characters in Watkin's family. They all show bravery and resilience in the face of brutality. They are all easy to cheer for, and the villains are credible and truly villainous.

I did think that the surrender of Kane and his thugs went by a bit too quickly. One minute they were threatening with guns, the next they're being locked up. Did the other men just lay down their weapons when Kane was disarmed? I seem to have missed a couple of intervening steps where Kane tells his "boys" to stand down and assures them reinforcements will be on the way.

Still, this is another great set of chapters, with lots of tension. Even with the outcome of the gun battle in town, there's still much to resolve. Thanks for sharing. I'm enjoying this novel quite a bit.

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in GREEN.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.

The young boy My Comment: For the purpose of orienting the reader, we need to know the boy's name. Since his last name is Evans, knowing that also orients the reader as to location.

“The house, it’s burning.”My Comment: comma splice

But when she saw the column of smokeMy Comment: By my count, this is the third POV so far. We start with the "the boy," then move to Betty Evans, and now to Bree.

His mind racing;My Comment: back in Tim's head.

but with grit teeth, he charged on with deaf ears.My Comment: Typo--I think you mean "gritted" teeth.

Then there was a calmness in her My Comment: puts us in Bree's head.

the paths too dry to leave our tracks.”My Comment: missing apostrophe--path's

It rose into the skyMy Comment: No antecedent for "it." For clarity, I'd consider "the cloud" or "the smoke."

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out

FOLDER

Thoughts on Writing

(NPL)
Short essays on the craft of fiction.
#1847273 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

99

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4487446

Review of A Village With No Name / Chapter 12 / 13

Review by

In affiliation with Cross Timbers Groups

Rated: E

| (4.0)

** Image ID #2188763 Unavailable **

Item Reviewed: "A Village With No Name / Chapter 12 / 13"

Author kzn

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
Another good chapter, or pair of chapters. You're doing an outstanding job of increasing the tension. Gideon's goals expand, the obstacles get harder to overcome, and the stakes get higher. You're using all the elements to craft increased tension, which keeps the story moving forward with great energy.

I'm going to dispense with most of my leads for this review. Suffice to say, you're continuing to do a great job.

Hook
Both chapters end with good hooks.

Style and Voice
I did find some spots where the old omniscient narrator seemed to rear his head.

Grammar

Commas.

I thought I saw some comma errors. I'm terrible with commas, so I won't try to point them out. Instead, here's a great reference:
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_c...
I've read it, and they're still a mystery to me. I hope it helps!

Just my personal opinion
The story continues to be compelling. The characters are all awesome, especially the protagonists. My only minor complaint is that Kane is almost too purely evil. It's almost like he relishes doing bad things, just for the sake of doing them. There is ample evidence in today's headlines that such pathological people exist, but most people at least have a story running in their heads that make them "good guys," doing evil in order to achieve a greater good.

I also found Evans' story arc to be a little too pat. First, he betrays his allies, then he comes crawling back to them. What did he think Kane was going to do? We also get a hint that he's been opportunistic in the past when Sam recounts the history of how Evans acquired his farm. Knowing that bit of duplicity earlier would have given the readers reason to suspect him, and thus make his actions more credible as they occur. Just a thought.

Overall, a good chapter. We're getting closer to the ultimate showdown. Good read! Thank you for sharing.

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in GREEN.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.

Most of my comments are minor remarks on typos rather than anything of substance. In any case, I hope they help.
where the temperature soresMy Comment: Typo: soars.

In such a heat a man’s exposed skin turns a rosy pink, and then the moisture beneath the skin begins to boil causing little water welts to appear beneath the flesh. My Comment: Omniscient narrator intrudes to state a fact...

In such a heat a man’s exposed skin turns a rosy pink, and then the moisture beneath the skin begins to boil causing little water welts to appear beneath the flesh. My Comment: Omniscient narrator intrudes to state a fact...

Gideon couldn’t help but notice how Jackson fondled his Henry rifle.My Comment: Telling us what Gideon noticed instead of just describing Jackson's act directly. Also, above it was a "Hendry" rifle.

“Nice sixteen-shot-repeater you've got there," Gideon said with a pleasing grin.My Comment: Pleasing to whom? This appears to be a POV violation.

and wanted to trade it for anotherMy Comment: and HE wanted to trade it...otherwise the horse is the nearest noun for the implied subject, and it reads like the horse wanted to trade the worms for something...

and raised his hand in acknowledgment to the lookouts signal.My Comment: typo: missing apostrophe

“When you arrived back in the village Carlos was riding with you.My Comment: missing comma after "village." Othewise, he's riding back into a village named Carlos.

“The mayors riding with them,My Comment: Missing apostrophe: mayor's, for the contraction.

Evans had moved forward unnoticed,My Comment: unnoticed by whom? If Gideon didn't notice him, this is a POV violation. In order to show Gideon didn't notice, have him show surprise at Evan's sudden appearance.

Call off you boys.”My Comment: typo

Sam pulled in his horseMy Comment: I assume this is the break for chapter 13.

The two men entered the outhouseMy Comment: I thought an "outhouse" was a latrine, but that doesn't match the description that follows.

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out

FOLDER

Thoughts on Writing

(NPL)
Short essays on the craft of fiction.
#1847273 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

100

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4487088

Review of Potholes

Review by

In affiliation with Cross Timbers Groups

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi! My name is Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

, and I'm here to review your entry in the "Show, Don't Tell Contest"

Item Reviewed: "Invalid Item"

Author {user:####}
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Our contest has multiple judges, and final rankings are always the result of a group process. Remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
I absolutely loved this story. If i had to pick one thing, it would be the way that the opening connects with the ending, bringing us full circle. That's brilliant!

Effective showing of the information in the prompt.
(28 points out of 30)
This is a bit of a mixed bag. You do an excellent job of showing, but sometimes you start with a bit of narrative summation, which is telling. See the line-by-line remarks. This is good, but not quite perfect.

First Paragraph
(17 points out of 20)
The first paragraph accomplishes everything a first paragraph needs to do, but it's kind of in the wrong order. As a consequence, it takes a bit for the reader to really settle into Roscoe's head. See below for more detailed comments.

Creativity and Originality
(15 points out of 15)
This is perfection!

Effective showing--as opposed to telling--for the whole story
(12 points out of 15)
See the line-by-line comments below. I made several little nit-picky comments in places where reporting seemed to replace showing.

Plot and Pacing
(10 points out of 10)
Excellent job here, too.

Technical Proficiency (such as grammar, spelling, proof-reading, and following the contest rules)
(9 points out of 10)
One typo. Maybe one or two comma errors. No big deal.

Total Points
91 points out of 100

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

I think this was, hands-down, the best story in the contest this month, and one of the best stories ever. You have a real talent with character, plot, and dialogue. Oh, and metaphor. I love metaphor. You made one the basis of your plot, in an absolute act of brilliance.

But...this contest is about the best job of showing, as opposed to telling. This means that sometimes the best story doesn't win the contest, and that's the case here. It's not that you did a bad job, but another story did a dynamite job of showing, with not even the nit-picky little slips I noted here. It's a good story, too. Nearly as good as yours, in fact, although it's quite different.

In any case, thank you sharing your story. I *really* enjoyed reading it, and I hope you come back again!!

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in GREEN.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.

Ker-thunk! Damn potholes, Roscoe's brows furrowed as he pushed his glasses back up the slope of his nose. He squinted, peering through the nearly opaque windshield awash in light from the setting sun. I can’t even see the damn things!“Just once, I’d like to actually see people do what they promised. Stupid, lying politicians!”My Comment: This opening does many things well. You name your POV characer. You orient the reader in space and time. You put the reader inside Roscoe's head with subjective things like him "squinting" at the "opaque" windshield, and by giving us his internal thoughts. The invisible potholes--and his associated epithet--even provide a metaphorical foreshadowing of the plot.

But...there are some tweaks. For one thing, you start with the sound before we know anything else, including who is hearing it and where they are. If you instead started with Roscoe furrowing his brows and peering through the windsheld, you'd put us in his head and orient us in space.

Note, if you "Roscoe's brows furrowed," that implies an omniscient narrator saw them furrow, so it's better to "Roscoe furrowed his brows," or, better yet, "Roscoe scowled."

Once we're in Roscoe's head and we know he's in his car, then you can have the wheel jerk and the crunch of the car bottoming out in a pothole with no confusion from the reader. As it stands, "ker-thunk" could be any heavy object--say, Aunt Beula--hitting the ground. Context is everything, and the sooner you provide, the better.

He could feel the heat in his cheeksMy Comment: Phrases like "he could feel" is a subtle form of telling.

In the first place, we're in Roscoe's head. So, in principle, everything that appears on the page is something Roscoes has felt, sensed, knows, or thinks. Telling us he feels it is just that: telling. It's unnecessary. Further, it's almost always more immediate and intimate for readers if you just directly describe what he felt: His cheeks flamed.

OK, Roscoe, calm down. He’s just a kid, he chided himself.My Comment: The italics alone suffice to denote that this is an internal thought. Editors tend to deprecate "thought tags." Otherwise, good job here of showing his anger and his attempts to control it.

with a bit more drama than needed,My Comment: This feels like someone outside the story judging his manner, i.e., like an omniscient narrator.

watching the throw rug behind it coil like a spring.My Comment: "watching" is like "he could feel" above. It's telling us what he's doing and seeing.

The house was a disaster! Dirty clothes and mismatched shoes lay along the hallway interspersed with the mail that had been dropped through the door slot. My Comment: The first sentence is telling. You don't need it, because you've done a great job showing it's a disaster in the next sentence. If you want to emphasize that Roscoe thinks it's a disaster, have his "lips pull down" or have him scowl, showing his reaction to what he's just seen.

He listened intently and heard a muffled voiceMy Comment: "He listened" and "he heard" are like "he noticed" above. Also, "listened intently" uses an adverb to pep up a weak verb. I can't offhand think of a better verb, but I'd rather show him listening intently than use the adverb to show him doing so. For example, maybe he closes his eyes and holds his breath while he listens.

staring at his wife unkempt appearance. My Comment: "Staring..." is like "he noticed" above. I'll stop pointing these out, as I'm sure you get the idea. Just report that she's a mess. If you want to emphasize he's seen it, have him react--as you do, when he says it looks like she's done nothing all day.

Oh, there's a missing possessive--his wife's appearance.

“Oh, mighty lord of the manor, forgive me for not rising and celebrating your return!” The scorn in her voice was palpable.My Comment: In some ways, reporting her tone of voice after she speaks is too late--the readers will have already "heard" her voice in their heads. If might be better if you first gave an indication of her state of mine by, say, rolling eyes, to cue the reader that what's coming is sarcasm. Then they'll hear the tone because you've prepared them for it.

Roscoe stepped back, eyes wide with surprise.My Comment: The wide eyes show his surprise, but he can't see his eyes, so this is a POV violation. The step back shows retreat. Is there some other way you could show surprise?

Evidently she tripped and he tried to catch herMy Comment: I hate commas, I really do. I never get them right. I think you need one after "evidently," and maybe after "tripped."

“Oh, honey. What happened?” he said with concern.My Comment: I don't think he'd say that "with sarcasm." His words, indicate his concern, so you don't need to tell us. Moreover, it's again telling what his words already show.

Roscoe’s cheeks flushed,My Comment: He can feel his cheeks flush, so this is good showing of his chagrin.

My Comment: And this is where we see revealed the genius of the opening reference to potholes. I love it!

I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Even though I'm scoring this for a contest, I'm also reviewing in part for my own edification. Thus, as is my usual policy, I have given a rating of "4" to all contest entries. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade."

Again, these are just one person's opinions. The contest has more than one judge, so you shouldn't assign inordinate weight to any one review. Regardless, remember that only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for our contest. We hope you found it to be fun and a learning experience. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out

FOLDER

Thoughts on Writing

(NPL)
Short essays on the craft of fiction.
#1847273 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .