Need a review? Visit
 
 Hi. Max here. Thanks for asking me to read your chapter. I enjoyed reading and wanted to share some thoughts with.
Item Reviewed: "Yawara (Chapter 8)" 
Author Torin M. Rutledge  
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️🌈 
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. 
 What I liked best
There's much to love here, but I think the POV character Mike is the most compelling thing in the chapter. He's clearly somewhat OCD, with his neat room and his obsession with exercise. He's got a troubled history, feels he's got a psychic connection with his dead brother, and that his grandmother has a "sixth sense." Then there's whole mystery of his brother's death and the conflict with the Massis. He's a nuanced character with troubled relationships. Between his girlfriend--who he's only spoken to twice--his parents, his dead brother, and the Massis, his life is chaos. Paired with OCD, that promises an explosion.
Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.
Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.
On the positive side, your opening names your POV character, orients the readers in time and space, and begins to establish his compulsive character. In the line-by-line remarks below, I made some suggestions to tweak this, but overall it does a good job.
Plot
There are lots of plot threads revealed here. Mike's overpowering need for order conflicts with almost everything else in his life. Obstacles abound, and the stakes escalate with the beating at the end of the chapter. Great job launching the plot!
Hook
YOu could just end the chapter with Mike's shouted thread to kill all of them and you'd have an outstanding hook. Since the final sentence after that got cut off, I can't tell if you improved on that or not.
Style and Voice
Third person limited, in Mike's head.
There are some bubbles, though. There are several places where the story stops and the narrator intrudes to tell the readers stuff. I've tried to mark these in the line-by-line remarks below. The idea is to enmesh the readers in the here-and-now of your fictional world and keep them there. Narrated bits pull the readers out of the here-and-now, so you should avoid or at least minimize them.
Referencing
Clearly we are in Australia, but the exact era is not entirely clear. I don't recall cell phones, for example.
Scene/Setting
Sufficient for staging. In the case of Mike's room you mentioned his compulsion for neatness, so *describing* the room would show that--especially if it contrasted with the rest of the house.
Characters
Mike's the star, and he's compelling. I'm unclear about his age, though. I'm guessing less than 20, maybe even less than 18.
Grammar
 Comma Splices.
A comma splice occurs when you have two complete sentences joined by a comma where a period or semicolon should be used. I've marked one or more of these in the line-by-line comments below.
Adverbs. You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs
| The road to hell is paved with adverbs. |
 I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.
"It's" vs "Its." "It's" is the contraction for "it is." "Its" without an apostrophe is the possessive form of "it."
Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.
Most of this story uses close third person limited. We're in Mike's head and we learn his thoughts as he reacts to his environment and those around him. There are a few places where the narrative slips to either omniscient--"author intrusions" in my remarks below--or even to "info-dumps"--also see below. Mike is a compelling character. He's clearly grieving the loss of his brother, which makes him sympathetic, too. The closer the readers are to him, the more they will engage with your fictional world and the story.
I'd say this is about 90% there in terms third person limited and keeping the readers in Mike's head. As you read the line-by-line remarks below, it will probably look like I've found a lot places to whine about, but these are relatively minor in terms of the "fix" needed, and not as numerous as they might first appear.
It's true I've spent a lot of time on the line-by-line remarks, but that's because I think this is a compelling chapter with a great character, Mike. This is good enough to deserve careful attention to make it the excellent work that Mike and the story clearly merit. So please take my comments in the spirit they are offered: this is good work already, but some tweaks will make it better.
Thanks for sharing, and by all means do keep writing. It takes real talent to bring a character like Mike to life!
Line-by-line remarks
 Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in GREEN.
If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
 Mike had just returned home from an exhausting three-hour session at the gym, was just walking through the door when his mother, cigarette in hand, told him that he'd missed a couple of phone calls while he was out "wrecking himself".My Comment: Several comments here. First, instead of starting in the past--"had just returned home"--start in the here-and-now by showing Mike walking through the door. Second, instead of telling us his session in the gym was exhausting, show it by describing, for example, aching muscles. Third, instead of telling us what his mother told him, put the actual words in her mouth--have her speak.
So Ashley had rang him this time? He'd spoken to her on the phone a total of two times since asking her out on Sunday, had been a little nervous at first, but they'd found plenty to talk about - physics, philosophy, astronomy. It had been four days since the party at Craig's.My Comment: Good use of close third person limited here--we're in his head, hearing his thoughts. You might have him let a smile bend his lips for a bit of subjectivity, but it works as-is.
'The second call was from your grandmother,' Gwen continued.My Comment: Does he think of his mother as "Gwen?" If no, it should just be "she continued." Also, you used double quotes above for dialogue and single quotes here. Double would be the US standard, but whichever you use, be consistent.
He heard his mother sigh, saw her light another smoke - and she thought his excessive training was unhealthy? - then he removed his sweat-soaked shirt and retreated to his bedroom.My Comment: Phrases like "he heard" and "he saw" are a subtle form of telling us what he sensed. Once you've established Mike as the POV character, arguably everything on the page is something he sensed, hence you don't need to tell the reader he did so. Further, it's almost always more intimate and immediate for your readers to describe directly what he saw and heard. To emphasize he heard/saw it, you can always have him react in some way. Here, for example, he might resist rolling his eyes while thinking "and she thought his training was unhealthy..."
His room was his sanctuary, the place where his few treasured possessions were kept and where he felt most at peace. My Comment: telling. I like the descripton that follows, but it kind of needs tweaked so it feels more like it's Mike settling in to the room rather than the author intruding to describe it.
On the bedside table were two photos of his brother: one a black-and-white portrait he and Ben had gotten Gwen for mother's day long ago - she still had her copy of Mike's portrait in her own room - the other showed two young boys, Ben and Mike, standing together on Mike's first day of high school. My Comment: Later you say that he keeps his room neat. As a way of showing that--instead of telling it--you could have him move the picture a fraction of an inch back to its proper place. That also has him interacting with the picture, which helps to make this in his head instead of the narrator telling us stuff. Similarly, in the next sentence, he might run a loving finger over the rocking chair and/or the guitar. Be careful about revealing too much, though--restrict yourself to things he might actually think and do as he enters the room. His actions will show it's his refuge.
He mostly kept the guitar because of it's sentimental and monetary value.My Comment: author intrudes to state a fact. Also, it should be "its."
After Mike changed his shirt, he chucked a Metallica CD - "Ride the Lightning" - into his CD-player and sat down to stretch. It was very important when exercising as vigorously as Mike did that he stretch both before and after training, and the way Mike trained, each stretching session could last forty minutes or more.My Comment: Where did he sit? I'm guessing the floor? Also, the sentence about the importance and duration of the stretching is the author intruding to state facts.
he did not remember losing his temper and bad-mouthing the Massis toward the end of the night, which was unfortunate,My Comment: If he didn't remember it, then this is the author intruding to tell readers something--along with the fact that it was "unfortunate."
A little over half-an-hour later the album he was listening to (stretching to) finished and he ended his session, left the room, strode stiffly out to the lounge-room and dialed Ashley's number. My Comment: Avoid parenthetic comments. If you must, use an em-dash to set off the comment. Also, you need a comma after "finished," since this is a compound sentence. The second half is also a compound predicate, so I'd recommend a period after "finished" and starting a new sentence with "He ended..." Otherwise, the sentence feels like a run-on.
After that he called out to his mother, told her he was headed to his Grandma's and set off at a spirited run.My Comment: Tells us what he's saying. As above, put the actual words in his mouth.
Ruby Stone, Mike's Grandma on his father's side, My Comment: Author intrudes to tell the reader stuff. Editors tend to hate this kind of thing and have a name for it: the "info-dump." Remember, you've got an entire novel to reveal this kind of information. You should figure out what readers need to know to understand the here-and-now of evolving events and devise ways to reveal that information--and only that information--through the words and deeds of your characters. That way, you keep the fictional dream running in the readers' minds.
There were beautiful red roses and violets brimming with vitality, well-watered bougainvillea and of course, the ancient gum-tree out the back - a relic that would outlive them all. He approached the front door and rang the bell twice.My Comment: Story restarts here. To internalize the description of the flowers, you might lead with him inhaling their heady scent.
His grandmother lived on her own.My Comment: Author states a fact. Can you find a way to internalize this tidbit? Perhaps above, for example, when he looks at the tidy flower beds, he could think that, despite being sick and living alone, she still kept the place up.
"It's Ashley,' he said, and went inside, seating himself at her dining-room table. Just like that, he felt safe to talk around his Grandma, though he certainly was not going to tell her of his hearing Ben's voice - it would only worry her - but he sensed that everything else was okay to speak of here.My Comment: Another good use of deep third person limited. Note that the facts that appear here are nuanced in a way that they are clearly internal to Mikey's head as opposed to the narrator, standing outside events, telling us stuff.
They sipped from the tea and Mike told her firstly how much he missed BenMy Comment: Again, you are narrating the dialogue rather than showing it.
He told her about the Massis, then, how their father had died trying to save Ben - and how his surviving sons blamed him and his family, wanted them gone from Lark Hill. My Comment: ...more narrated dialogue...
Mike looked toward where she was pointing he sawMy Comment: Mike "looked and saw" is like "Mike heard" above...
an elegant vase combining greens and blues and yellows in intricately leaf-shaped patterns. It was only a small thing, perhaps forty centimetres long and ten wide. It looked expensive, though. My Comment: Good description, but what made it "look expensive?"
Mike carefully took the urn down from it's place on the aged shelf,My Comment: typo: its not it's.
left her house and went home, carrying the urn cautiously.My Comment: This is one of those weak verb/adverb combinations I mentioned above. Here, perhaps he "cradles" the urn, which would imply caution.
For the people of Lark Hill the day dawned like any other Saturday in townMy Comment: Story stops while the author tells the reader stuff...
He awoke from a dreamless sleep to shoutingMy Comment: After some narration about how he spent his Saturday, the here-and-now of the story restarts here.
Mike sighed, emerged from his room, saw his father seated on the lounge with his head in his hands.My Comment: Mike...saw...just describe his father directly.
'It's fine, Mikey,' his Dad replied, maybe he thought Mike would believe him?My Comment: Comma splice; need a period or semicolon after "replied."
The animosity growing between his parents was tough for him to witness, My Comment: author intrusion
Jake had mentioned the other day My Comment: who is Jake?
But after a little consideration he decided to visit his best friend - whatever thMy Comment: Something missing here...it seems it got cut off.
I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.  Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.
Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!
Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!
Max Griffin 🏳️🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out my essay on short stories.
|
| (4.0)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "
