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101
101
Review by
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Rated: E | (4.0)
** Image ID #2188763 Unavailable **


Item Reviewed: "A Village With No Name / Chapter 12 / 13
Author kzn
Reviewer: Max Griffin ๐Ÿณ๏ธโ€๐ŸŒˆ

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart*

                                                             
*FlagB*What I liked best
Another good chapter, or pair of chapters. You're doing an outstanding job of increasing the tension. Gideon's goals expand, the obstacles get harder to overcome, and the stakes get higher. You're using all the elements to craft increased tension, which keeps the story moving forward with great energy.

I'm going to dispense with most of my leads for this review. Suffice to say, you're continuing to do a great job.

                                                             
*FlagB*Hook
Both chapters end with good hooks.

                                                             
*FlagB*Style and Voice
I did find some spots where the old omniscient narrator seemed to rear his head.

                                                             
*FlagB*Grammar
*Exclaim* Commas.*Exclaim*
I thought I saw some comma errors. I'm terrible with commas, so I won't try to point them out. Instead, here's a great reference:
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_c...
I've read it, and they're still a mystery to me. I hope it helps!

                                                             
*FlagB*Just my personal opinion
The story continues to be compelling. The characters are all awesome, especially the protagonists. My only minor complaint is that Kane is almost too purely evil. It's almost like he relishes doing bad things, just for the sake of doing them. There is ample evidence in today's headlines that such pathological people exist, but most people at least have a story running in their heads that make them "good guys," doing evil in order to achieve a greater good.

I also found Evans' story arc to be a little too pat. First, he betrays his allies, then he comes crawling back to them. What did he think Kane was going to do? We also get a hint that he's been opportunistic in the past when Sam recounts the history of how Evans acquired his farm. Knowing that bit of duplicity earlier would have given the readers reason to suspect him, and thus make his actions more credible as they occur. Just a thought.

Overall, a good chapter. We're getting closer to the ultimate showdown. Good read! Thank you for sharing.
                                                             
*FlagB*Line-by-line remarks
*Bullet*Your text is in BLUE.
*Bullet*My comments are in GREEN.
*Bullet*If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
Most of my comments are minor remarks on typos rather than anything of substance. In any case, I hope they help.
*Cut* where the temperature sores*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Typo: soars. *Exclaim*

*Cut*In such a heat a manโ€™s exposed skin turns a rosy pink, and then the moisture beneath the skin begins to boil causing little water welts to appear beneath the flesh. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Omniscient narrator intrudes to state a fact... *Exclaim*

*Cut*In such a heat a manโ€™s exposed skin turns a rosy pink, and then the moisture beneath the skin begins to boil causing little water welts to appear beneath the flesh. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Omniscient narrator intrudes to state a fact... *Exclaim*


*Cut*Gideon couldnโ€™t help but notice how Jackson fondled his Henry rifle.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Telling us what Gideon noticed instead of just describing Jackson's act directly. Also, above it was a "Hendry" rifle. *Exclaim*

*Cut* โ€œNice sixteen-shot-repeater you've got there," Gideon said with a pleasing grin.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Pleasing to whom? This appears to be a POV violation. *Exclaim*


*Cut*and wanted to trade it for another*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: and HE wanted to trade it...otherwise the horse is the nearest noun for the implied subject, and it reads like the horse wanted to trade the worms for something... *Exclaim*

*Cut*and raised his hand in acknowledgment to the lookouts signal.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: typo: missing apostrophe *Exclaim*

*Cut*โ€œWhen you arrived back in the village Carlos was riding with you.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: missing comma after "village." Othewise, he's riding back into a village named Carlos. *Exclaim*


*Cut*โ€œThe mayors riding with them,*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Missing apostrophe: mayor's, for the contraction. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Evans had moved forward unnoticed,*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: unnoticed by whom? If Gideon didn't notice him, this is a POV violation. In order to show Gideon didn't notice, have him show surprise at Evan's sudden appearance. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Call off you boys.โ€*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: typo *Exclaim*

*Cut*Sam pulled in his horse*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: I assume this is the break for chapter 13. *Exclaim*

*Cut*The two men entered the outhouse*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: I thought an "outhouse" was a latrine, but that doesn't match the description that follows. *Exclaim*
โ€ƒ


                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*


Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!


Max Griffin ๐Ÿณ๏ธโ€๐ŸŒˆ
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out
FOLDER
Thoughts on Writing  (NPL)
Short essays on the craft of fiction.
#1847273 by Max Griffin ๐Ÿณ๏ธโ€๐ŸŒˆ



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
102
102
Review of Potholes  
Review by
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Groups  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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Hi! My name is Max Griffin ๐Ÿณ๏ธโ€๐ŸŒˆ , and I'm here to review your entry in the "Show, Don't Tell Contest

Item Reviewed: "Invalid Item
Author {user:####}
Reviewer: Max Griffin ๐Ÿณ๏ธโ€๐ŸŒˆ

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Our contest has multiple judges, and final rankings are always the result of a group process. Remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart*

                                                             
*FlagB*What I liked best
I absolutely loved this story. If i had to pick one thing, it would be the way that the opening connects with the ending, bringing us full circle. That's brilliant!

                                                             
*FlagB*Effective showing of the information in the prompt.
(28 points out of 30)
This is a bit of a mixed bag. You do an excellent job of showing, but sometimes you start with a bit of narrative summation, which is telling. See the line-by-line remarks. This is good, but not quite perfect.

                                                             
*FlagB*First Paragraph
(17 points out of 20)
The first paragraph accomplishes everything a first paragraph needs to do, but it's kind of in the wrong order. As a consequence, it takes a bit for the reader to really settle into Roscoe's head. See below for more detailed comments.

                                                             
*FlagB*Creativity and Originality
(15 points out of 15)
This is perfection!

                                                             
*FlagB* Effective showing--as opposed to telling--for the whole story
(12 points out of 15)
See the line-by-line comments below. I made several little nit-picky comments in places where reporting seemed to replace showing.

                                                             
*FlagB*Plot and Pacing
(10 points out of 10)
Excellent job here, too.

                                                             
*FlagB*Technical Proficiency (such as grammar, spelling, proof-reading, and following the contest rules)
(9 points out of 10)
One typo. Maybe one or two comma errors. No big deal.

                                                             
*FlagB* Total Points
91 points out of 100

                                                             
*FlagB*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

I think this was, hands-down, the best story in the contest this month, and one of the best stories ever. You have a real talent with character, plot, and dialogue. Oh, and metaphor. I love metaphor. You made one the basis of your plot, in an absolute act of brilliance.

But...this contest is about the best job of showing, as opposed to telling. This means that sometimes the best story doesn't win the contest, and that's the case here. It's not that you did a bad job, but another story did a dynamite job of showing, with not even the nit-picky little slips I noted here. It's a good story, too. Nearly as good as yours, in fact, although it's quite different.

In any case, thank you sharing your story. I *really* enjoyed reading it, and I hope you come back again!!

                                                             
*FlagB*Line-by-line remarks
*Bullet*Your text is in BLUE.
*Bullet*My comments are in GREEN.
*Bullet*If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
*Cut*Ker-thunk! Damn potholes, Roscoe's brows furrowed as he pushed his glasses back up the slope of his nose. He squinted, peering through the nearly opaque windshield awash in light from the setting sun. I canโ€™t even see the damn things!โ€œJust once, Iโ€™d like to actually see people do what they promised. Stupid, lying politicians!โ€*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This opening does many things well. You name your POV characer. You orient the reader in space and time. You put the reader inside Roscoe's head with subjective things like him "squinting" at the "opaque" windshield, and by giving us his internal thoughts. The invisible potholes--and his associated epithet--even provide a metaphorical foreshadowing of the plot.

But...there are some tweaks. For one thing, you start with the sound before we know anything else, including who is hearing it and where they are. If you instead started with Roscoe furrowing his brows and peering through the windsheld, you'd put us in his head and orient us in space.

Note, if you "Roscoe's brows furrowed," that implies an omniscient narrator saw them furrow, so it's better to "Roscoe furrowed his brows," or, better yet, "Roscoe scowled."

Once we're in Roscoe's head and we know he's in his car, then you can have the wheel jerk and the crunch of the car bottoming out in a pothole with no confusion from the reader. As it stands, "ker-thunk" could be any heavy object--say, Aunt Beula--hitting the ground. Context is everything, and the sooner you provide, the better. *Exclaim*


*Cut*He could feel the heat in his cheeks*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Phrases like "he could feel" is a subtle form of telling.

In the first place, we're in Roscoe's head. So, in principle, everything that appears on the page is something Roscoes has felt, sensed, knows, or thinks. Telling us he feels it is just that: telling. It's unnecessary. Further, it's almost always more immediate and intimate for readers if you just directly describe what he felt: His cheeks flamed. *Exclaim*


*Cut*OK, Roscoe, calm down. Heโ€™s just a kid, he chided himself.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: The italics alone suffice to denote that this is an internal thought. Editors tend to deprecate "thought tags." Otherwise, good job here of showing his anger and his attempts to control it. *Exclaim*

*Cut*with a bit more drama than needed,*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This feels like someone outside the story judging his manner, i.e., like an omniscient narrator. *Exclaim*

*Cut*watching the throw rug behind it coil like a spring.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: "watching" is like "he could feel" above. It's telling us what he's doing and seeing. *Exclaim*

*Cut*The house was a disaster! Dirty clothes and mismatched shoes lay along the hallway interspersed with the mail that had been dropped through the door slot. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: The first sentence is telling. You don't need it, because you've done a great job showing it's a disaster in the next sentence. If you want to emphasize that Roscoe thinks it's a disaster, have his "lips pull down" or have him scowl, showing his reaction to what he's just seen. *Exclaim*

*Cut*He listened intently and heard a muffled voice*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: "He listened" and "he heard" are like "he noticed" above. Also, "listened intently" uses an adverb to pep up a weak verb. I can't offhand think of a better verb, but I'd rather show him listening intently than use the adverb to show him doing so. For example, maybe he closes his eyes and holds his breath while he listens. *Exclaim*

*Cut*staring at his wife unkempt appearance. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: "Staring..." is like "he noticed" above. I'll stop pointing these out, as I'm sure you get the idea. Just report that she's a mess. If you want to emphasize he's seen it, have him react--as you do, when he says it looks like she's done nothing all day.

Oh, there's a missing possessive--his wife's appearance. *Exclaim*


*Cut*โ€œOh, mighty lord of the manor, forgive me for not rising and celebrating your return!โ€ The scorn in her voice was palpable.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: In some ways, reporting her tone of voice after she speaks is too late--the readers will have already "heard" her voice in their heads. If might be better if you first gave an indication of her state of mine by, say, rolling eyes, to cue the reader that what's coming is sarcasm. Then they'll hear the tone because you've prepared them for it. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Roscoe stepped back, eyes wide with surprise.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: The wide eyes show his surprise, but he can't see his eyes, so this is a POV violation. The step back shows retreat. Is there some other way you could show surprise? *Exclaim*

*Cut*Evidently she tripped and he tried to catch her*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: I hate commas, I really do. I never get them right. I think you need one after "evidently," and maybe after "tripped." *Exclaim*

*Cut*โ€œOh, honey. What happened?โ€ he said with concern.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: I don't think he'd say that "with sarcasm." His words, indicate his concern, so you don't need to tell us. Moreover, it's again telling what his words already show. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Roscoeโ€™s cheeks flushed,*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: He can feel his cheeks flush, so this is good showing of his chagrin. *Exclaim*

*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: And this is where we see revealed the genius of the opening reference to potholes. I love it! *Exclaim*

                                                             

I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Even though I'm scoring this for a contest, I'm also reviewing in part for my own edification. Thus, as is my usual policy, I have given a rating of "4" to all contest entries. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade." *Smile*


Again, these are just one person's opinions. The contest has more than one judge, so you shouldn't assign inordinate weight to any one review. Regardless, remember that only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for our contest. We hope you found it to be fun and a learning experience. Keep on writing!


Max Griffin ๐Ÿณ๏ธโ€๐ŸŒˆ
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out
FOLDER
Thoughts on Writing  (NPL)
Short essays on the craft of fiction.
#1847273 by Max Griffin ๐Ÿณ๏ธโ€๐ŸŒˆ


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
103
103
Review of "We Can Do This!"  
Review by
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Groups  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Show Don't Tell Logo


Hi! My name is Max Griffin ๐Ÿณ๏ธโ€๐ŸŒˆ , and I'm here to review your entry in the "Show, Don't Tell Contest

Item Reviewed: ""We Can Do This!"
Author LegendaryMaskโค๏ธ
Reviewer: Max Griffin ๐Ÿณ๏ธโ€๐ŸŒˆ

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Our contest has multiple judges, and final rankings are always the result of a group process. Remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart*

                                                             
*FlagB*What I liked best
At the start, we find a marriage ravaged by the death of a child. But, as the story develops, the couple again finds one another, and begin to rebuild their relationship. That's a powerful theme on the redeeming power of love, and an awesome concept for a story.

                                                             
*FlagB*Effective showing of the information in the prompt.
(15 points out of 30)
Where you show things, you do it well--for example, the smells when Roscoe first enters their home. On the other hand, there are at least an equal number of places where you tell readers thing in summary narration. I've noted some of these in the line-by-line remarks below, along with some suggestions for showing.

                                                             
*FlagB*First Paragraph
(5 points out of 20)
On the plus side, you orient the reader in time and space and name your POV character. But there is a lot of telling as opposed to showing--see the line-by-line remarks for more detail.

                                                             
*FlagB*Creativity and Originality
(15 points out of 15)
I really liked the theme for this story quite a lot. Very creative, and not at all like anything I'd expected.

                                                             
*FlagB* Effective showing--as opposed to telling--for the whole story
(8 points out of 15)
As with the intro, it's a mixed bag.

                                                             
*FlagB*Plot and Pacing
(10 points out of 10)
Good job here! Roscoe has clear goals. The stakes are high, and the obstacle, in the form of Ruby's depression, is formidable. You use these to good effect to create tension, which you then release effectively at the climax. Excellent structural and plotting work here!

                                                             
*FlagB*Technical Proficiency (such as grammar, spelling, proof-reading, and following the contest rules)
(8 points out of 10)
There were a couple of minor typos and grammar errors, otherwise this was good.


                                                             
*FlagB* Total Points
61 points out of 100

                                                             
*FlagB*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

I enjoyed this story for it's plot, and for the reslience that the characters showed. Thank you for entering the contest, and I hope you come back again!

                                                             
*FlagB*Line-by-line remarks
*Bullet*Your text is in BLUE.
*Bullet*My comments are in GREEN.
*Bullet*If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             

*Cut*"FWEET"... The whistle blows indicating it was 5 pm. It had been a long day and Roscoe Tate was so ready to go home and shower, eat and crash on his nice big sofa and not move all weekend. He has been exhausted for the past 7 months.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

We start with the sound of the whistle, but we don't know who is hearing it. A declarative sentence follows, revealing that it's 5PM and that Roscoe is ready to go home. Then there's another statement of fact that he's tired. These are all the author telling the reader things instead of revealing them through the words and deeds of the characters. Showing would involve Roscoe reacting to the sound of the whistle. If he's exhausted, there will be physical manifestations--aching muscles, maybe a headache, mental fatigue from lack of sleep, whatever. If you show Roscoe experiencing those things, readers will infer that he's exhausted and that it's been a long day. Moreover, describing subjective feelings--like stretching sore muscles and having his joints ache--places readers in Roscoe's head and establishes his point-of-view.

It's especially critical to be relentless in showing things in your opening sentences, since that's where you draw readers into Roscoe's head and hence into your fictional world.
*Exclaim*


*Cut*he noticed a bunch of the guys talking at the end of the sidewalk. Cutting across the grass to avoid them, *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Phrases like "he noticed" are a subtle form of telling. It's almost always more intimate and immediate for readers if you describe directly what he noticed. If you want to then show that he noticed, have him react in some manner. Indeed, you do this when he cuts across the grass to avoid them. So, it's stronger--and showing as opposed to telling--to just say a bunch guys huddled at the end of the sidewalk talking, followed by his reaction. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Hey, Roscoe what are you doing tonight? asked Jeremiah. Some of the boys are going down to Dixie's and grab a bite to eat, you wanna come along? It's been a very long week." *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: typo: missing open/close quotes. *Exclaim*

*Cut*"Naa, got plans tonight,*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: When Roscoe speaks, you should start a new paragraph. Every time a new person speaks, it's a new paragraph. *Exclaim*

*Cut*"Well, if your sure, the boys were just wondering." *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Needs another new paragraph. Also, typo at "your," which should be "you're." *Exclaim*

*Cut*Back to normal if only it was, Roscoe thought to himself*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Most editors will deprecate "thought tags," often by suggesting that internal thoughts be placed in italics instead. A more advanced technique is to interleave Roscoe's thoughts and emotions into the narrative. If you're deeply in his point-of-view, everything on the page is something he's sensed or thought, so even italics can become unnecessary. However, this requires that the readers already be deeply in his POV. *Exclaim*

*Cut*When Roscoe comes home from work, he's hoping the house isn't a disgusting mess. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This sentence launches a couple of paragraphs where the story stops while the author tells the reader stuff. This is surely important stuff for the reader to know, but it's all told in narrative form instead of shown through the words and deeds of your characters. For example, maybe he sees the box with the crib they'd bought six months ago still in the garage. If his eyes mist or his chin trembles at the sight of the crib, still in its box after six months, the readers will figure out that tragedy ensued.

Hemingway once said the best story he ever wrote had only six words: "Baby shoes for sale. Never used." That's the kind of showing I'm talking about. Sometimes, what's left unsaid is more powerful than what's said. *Exclaim*


*Cut*He hears the TV blaring as he turns the key in the lock.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: "He hears" is like "he noticed" above... *Exclaim*

*Cut*She has been watching TV all day instead of fixing dinner,*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Statement of fact. How does Roscoe know she's been sitting there all day? *Exclaim*

*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Tells us she's getting angry instead of describing her facial expression and thus showing she's angry. *Exclaim*

*Cut*letting her know that he is defeated and can't go on anymore like this. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Tells us what Ruby knows, so this takes us away from Roscoe's point-of-view. *Exclaim*

*Cut*he sees the tears forming in her eyes. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Weโ€™ve briefly been in Ruby's head, knowing what she feels and sees, but now we're back in Roscoe's head. *Exclaim*

*Cut*she sees the tears slide down his cheeks.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Flips back to Ruby's head, since we're told what she sees. You could stay in Roscoe's POV and still reveal what Ruby sees by having her trace the tears down his cheek with her finger, for example. That would show, through her tender action, not only what she sees but something of how she is feeling. *Exclaim*

*Cut*she sees the tears slide down his cheeks.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Flips back to Ruby's head, since we're told what she sees. You could stay in Roscoe's POV and still reveal what Ruby sees by having her trace the tears down his cheek with her finger, for example. That would show, through her tender action, not only what she sees but something of how she is feeling. *Exclaim*

                                                             

I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Even though I'm scoring this for a contest, I'm also reviewing in part for my own edification. Thus, as is my usual policy, I have given a rating of "4" to all contest entries. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade." *Smile*


Again, these are just one person's opinions. The contest has more than one judge, so you shouldn't assign inordinate weight to any one review. Regardless, remember that only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for our contest. We hope you found it to be fun and a learning experience. Keep on writing!


Max Griffin ๐Ÿณ๏ธโ€๐ŸŒˆ
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out
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Thoughts on Writing  (NPL)
Short essays on the craft of fiction.
#1847273 by Max Griffin ๐Ÿณ๏ธโ€๐ŸŒˆ


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
104
104
Review of The Emigrant  
Review by
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Groups  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
** Image ID #2188763 Unavailable **


Item Reviewed: "The Emigrant
Author Christopher Roy Denton
Reviewer: Max Griffin ๐Ÿณ๏ธโ€๐ŸŒˆ

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart*

                                                             
*FlagB*What I liked best
Your stories never disappoint. I enjoyed this glimpse of a possible future. That we see this through the lens of divorce and child custody reaffirms that people don't change as much as technology.

                                                             
*FlagB*Plot
Reasonable tension, then resolution. Good job.

                                                             
*FlagB*Style and Voice
Third person limited, in Mark's head. No slips.

                                                             
*FlagB*Referencing
We learn from context that the fictional world is in the future. However, we don't learn this until the fifth paragraph. I'd suggest finding a way to establish this in the opening paragraph if at all possible.

                                                             
*FlagB*Scene/Setting
We've all been in the restaurant this one emulates...but you did a good job of evoking this simulation.

                                                             
*FlagB*Characters
The conflict is clear. I do think the attitude of the wife changes a bit too readily. She shows bitterness and anger earlier, but then she seems to share a secret smile with her ex over their child. Which is she? Bitter and angry, or secretly forgiving? I admit she could be both, but that level of nuance may be too much to ask in such a short piece.

                                                             
*FlagB*Grammar
One typo. At least, I hope it was a typo.

                                                             
*FlagB*Just my personal opinion
This is a good story. Mark's goal is clear, as are the stakes and the opposition. The climax, while kind of tepid, resolves the conflict, and the resolution when Jimmy returns to the table is perfect.

Thanks for sharing this vision of a troubled family in the future. I enjoyed reading it.

                                                             
*FlagB*Line-by-line remarks
*Bullet*Your text is in BLUE.
*Bullet*My comments are in GREEN.
*Bullet*If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
*Cut*Mark Johnson felt overdressed in a suit and tie as the maรฎtre d' dressed as a clownโ€”Ronald McDonald, he believedโ€”led him toward the rear of the exclusive retro restaurant. He scanned the tables until he spotted them,*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: I know I said your opening was satisfactory, but I still have some comments.

First, you are telling readers that Mark is over-dressed instead of showing his discomfort. Second, while the references are obviously to McDonalds, calling it an โ€œexclusively retro restaurantโ€ was more confusing than illuminating. I realize youโ€™re establishing that itโ€™s in the future, but I missed that altogether.

Hereโ€™s a thought. Maybe instead of telling us he feels overdressed, Mark could twist the old-style, early 21st century necktie heโ€™d warn for today and try to relax. That shows him being uncomfortable and dates this as being in the future.

Another thing is the "them," for which there is no antecedent. I'm mixed about this, since it creates a bit of tension, but you release this almost immediately by revealing who "they" are. I'd consider just revealing this right away. You might also give a touch of an emotional reaction from Mark as he sees them. *Exclaim*


*Cut*produced e-paper touchscreen*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: I think this is the first clear indication that weโ€™re in the future. *Exclaim*

*Cut*โ€œThere's nothing going on between John anI.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: between John and ME. I know this is dialogue, and I know people really talk like this. It still makes me grate my teeth. *Exclaim*

*Cut*James Tiberius Johnson.โ€*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Of course, I caught the reference. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Letโ€™s boldly go where no Johnson ever went before.โ€*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Given that they are in the future, it's not clear to my why they would make Star Trek references. This is cute, and it kind of fits with what Mark is about to do, but I'm not sure it fits the futuristic setting. *Exclaim*


                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*


Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!


Max Griffin ๐Ÿณ๏ธโ€๐ŸŒˆ
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out
FOLDER
Thoughts on Writing  (NPL)
Short essays on the craft of fiction.
#1847273 by Max Griffin ๐Ÿณ๏ธโ€๐ŸŒˆ



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
105
105
Review by
Rated: E | (4.0)
** Image ID #2188763 Unavailable **


Item Reviewed: "A Village With No Name / Chapter 10 / 11
Author kzn
Reviewer: Max Griffin ๐Ÿณ๏ธโ€๐ŸŒˆ

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart*

                                                             
*FlagB*What I liked best
The plot twist, of course. It's always interesting to have an ally turn out to be traitor!

                                                             
*FlagB*Opening
Good opening to the chapter, and again later when the POV changes to Evans.

                                                             
*FlagB*Plot
See above.

                                                             
*FlagB*Hook
Not a bad hook...It's a catastrophe for Evans, for sure. I think the hook would be better with some kind of reaction from him. Surely he's seething with rage. That adds an edge that he might actually revert back to supporting Gideon.

                                                             
*FlagB*Style and Voice
Third person limited, first in Gideon's head and then in Evans'. No slips.

                                                             
*FlagB*Scene/Setting
Just right for me.

                                                             
*FlagB*Characters
We're in Evans' POV in the second half, but we don't get a lot about his thoughts or feelings. I could use a touch more, provided you can do so without giving away future twists.

                                                             
I pointed out a couple of pesky adverbs in the line-by-line and a typo or two. Nothing major.

                                                             
*FlagB*Just my personal opinion
This cranks the tension higher. We certainly get the unrelieved villainy of Kane and his cohort, and the futility of attempting to ally with him. I've been watching GOT lately (yeah, I know, but I don't like fantasy much and only just now picked it up...) Anyway, this betrayal was reminiscent of some of the ones in that show. Good work!

                                                             
*FlagB*Line-by-line remarks
*Bullet*Your text is in BLUE.
*Bullet*My comments are in GREEN.
*Bullet*If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
*Cut*anxiously waiting for Jackson and Carlos to return to the village.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Show him being anxious rather than telling us he is. *Exclaim*

*Cut*crossing the wash without seen him hidden among the trees.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: typo: without seeing *Exclaim*

*Cut*Evans sat quietly, his fingers fretfully fidgeting*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: He canโ€™t โ€œcalmly fidget,โ€ so Iโ€™d omit the adverb as an unnecessary speed-bump. *Exclaim*

                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*


Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!


Max Griffin ๐Ÿณ๏ธโ€๐ŸŒˆ
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out
FOLDER
Thoughts on Writing  (NPL)
Short essays on the craft of fiction.
#1847273 by Max Griffin ๐Ÿณ๏ธโ€๐ŸŒˆ



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
106
106
Review of Jack's Solution  
Review by
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Groups  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
** Image ID #2188763 Unavailable **


Item Reviewed: "Jack's Solution
Author Christopher Roy Denton
Reviewer: Max Griffin ๐Ÿณ๏ธโ€๐ŸŒˆ

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart*

                                                             
*FlagB*What I liked best
I love time travel stories, and I'm gratified to see you incorporated some of my own thoughts about time travel also displacing the subject in space, "Time Travel .


                                                             
*FlagB*Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

Your first sentence tells the reader two facts, as opposed to showing them. The rest of the opening paragraph does a good job of putting the reader in Jack's head since you have him sensing and interacting with his environment. However, the first declamatory sentence doesn't really draw the readers in.

Secondly, he's "relishing" the "challenge." That's not the word I'd use under the circumstances. I think you need something in the opening that would foreshadow--in retrospect--what he's trying to do. We do get a direct indication that he's "the opposite" of an angel, but in fact what's motivating him is remorse over his past actions.

My suggestion would be to write this to *hint* that he's remorseful about his daughter's death and thus lead readers to suspect that he's wanting to change the past and bring her back to life. If you are careful about how to write this, it would lead to a better "aha" moment at the end.

                                                             
*FlagB*Plot
I love stories with twist endings, but they are a challenge to write. It's important to use misdirection, so that the story appears headed in one direction. Then, at the end, when you introduce the twist, all those semi-ambiguous hints from earlier suddenly flip around to a new orientation. That's why I'm suggesting you lead us to believe that he's blaming himself in some way for his daughter's death, so you show he's motivated by guilt. He could even have bloody images of dead female bodies, while thinking he was going to make things right and stop the killing. I am sure you could write this to make the twist a slam in the face as all the prior hints change direction in a single reveal.

                                                             
*FlagB*Style and Voice
THird person limited, in Jack's head. perfection.

                                                             
*FlagB*Referencing
Love the references to the last 60s.


                                                             
*FlagB*Grammar
Nothing to whine about.

                                                             
*FlagB*Just my personal opinion
Okay. I like the story. I like the plot. I even like the twist. I just think you need to tweak it to make the misdirection align better with the outcome. I've suggested one way above, but you're creative. I bet you can come up with a better one.

Thanks, as always, for sharing. Your stories never disappoint.

                                                             
*FlagB*Line-by-line remarks
*Bullet*Your text is in BLUE.
*Bullet*My comments are in GREEN.
*Bullet*If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
*Cut*lamp lit surroundings. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: lamp-lit. Okay, I guess I did find something to whine about. *Exclaim*

*Cut*chatted to women with short dresses*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: chatted to or chatted with? *Exclaim*

*Cut*who looked like his grandfather*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: ears prick up. Here, the reference to "looking like his grandfather" made me suspect an even older Jack was showing up to foil his attempt to change the past. If you've not read Heinlein's "By His Bootstraps," it's a tour-de-force in time travel and Rashomon points of view. But, of course, it turned out this was just misdirection of another sort. *Exclaim*

                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*


Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!


Max Griffin ๐Ÿณ๏ธโ€๐ŸŒˆ
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out
FOLDER
Thoughts on Writing  (NPL)
Short essays on the craft of fiction.
#1847273 by Max Griffin ๐Ÿณ๏ธโ€๐ŸŒˆ



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
107
107
Review by
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Groups  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
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*Smile* Hi. Max again. Thanks for inviting me to read another of yourstories. I enjoyed reading this one and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

Item Reviewed: "S'more good, clean, harmless fun.
Author SonofDrogo
Reviewer: Max Griffin ๐Ÿณ๏ธโ€๐ŸŒˆ

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart*

                                                             
*FlagB*What I liked best
I thoroughly enjoyed this humorous piece on the disastors fun of camping with children. In tone and style, it reminded me of the slices-of-life that make David Sedaris' tales so engaging. If you're unfamiliar with him, I can highly recommend his tongue-in-cheek reminiscences.

                                                             
*FlagB*Characters
Characters are the core of this story--as with all good stories. Kenny has a goal--to convince his girlfriend that kids are awesome. That clearly matters, since he seems to be serious about her and wanting a family. He's got a plan, too, involving his brother's kids and an overnight camping adventure. Mayhem ensues.

You mentioned Lord of the Flies in passing, but I admit that novel came to mind almost as soon as you established the plot. Victoria represents civilization--ironically she's "Piggy" in the novel. The children are, of course, innocent savages, and our narrator, Kenny, represents "Ralph," confident in the wisdom of adults. The plot devolves more into a Marx Brothers--or I Love Lucy sitcom--farce and less into the Heart of Darkness, but that's what makes it enjoyable. Indeed, I'd almost suggest retitling this "Lord of the S'mores."

                                                             
*FlagB*Style and Voice
First person, in Kenny's head. No slips. I do wish you'd found a way to name Kenny earlier--in the first sentence if possible. Naming him helps put readers in his head.

                                                             
*FlagB*Grammar
I won't bother you with whining about commas and related trivia. I found nothing here that was distracting.

                                                             
*FlagB*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

You will see in the line-by-line comments that I found only one minor thing on which to remark. But...I've still got some bigger comments. Please bear with me as these are fairly lengthy if less consequential. This is a fine story, and my comments are relatively minor in the bigger scheme of things. They have to do with the basic idea of the fictional dream and the structural implications of this concept on putting a story together. There's nothing wrong with this story, but I think rearranging some of the elements could make it more powerful. So, here goes.

Structurally, the first paragraph frames the story, with hints of a warning from his brother Jack and conflict with Victoria. The three stars after this paragraph tell us there's a change in scene, and it's immediately apparent that there's a time-reversal, too, since Jack is now warning our (still nameless at this point) narrator.

I get that you are foreshadowing with the first paragraph, and that the first and final two paragraphs frame the story. But, as you might guess since I'm commenting on it, I have reservations about this strategy.

The first paragraph is the author's best opportunity to launch the fictional dream in the readers' imaginations. To do this, readers should be grounded in the POV character's head and in the here-and-now of ongoing events in the story. Instead, we've got what turns out to be an opening reflecting on events-about-to-be-told followed by a flashback to the conversation with Jack.

Don't get me wrong. Flashbacks can be an author's friend, especially in a novel. But they are extremely difficult to accomplish in a short story precisely because they break the connection with the here-and-now before it's fully formed in the readers' minds. Indeed, in the second paragraph we jump from the here-and-now to the here-and-then. This break makes it harder for the reader to stay engaged.

Further, just a few short paragraphs later, we have another break to a new place, time, and set of characters when Vickie rubs the stains on her pant-leg. We start with her disembodied voice, so we're not grounded in place or time. We're probably still in Kenny's head, especially since you used the subjective "whined" for a dialogue tag, but I'd recommend starting this scene with Kenny sensing or in some way interacting with his environment before Vickie speaks. that gives you an opportunity to firm up the point-of-view in the new scene, and to orient the readers in time and place, and other circumstances. I note in passing that the same comments apply to the earlier scene where Jack renders his warning.

The rest of the story is where the main action occurs, and the narrative is engaging and, in fact, quite funny. I think it would be even more effective without the flashback and with a touch more attention to orienting the readers to the here-and-now at the start of the story and the start of the main scene. I apologize for my over-wordy explanation of my reasoning.

Thanks for sharing this tale. I sympathize with Kenny, even though I've wisely never taken children on a camping trip. I admire the courageous folks who do so! It takes real talent to relate a story like this and make it fun to read, so I hope you continue writing this kind of thing!

                                                             
*FlagB*Line-by-line remarks
*Bullet*Your text is in BLUE.
*Bullet*My comments are in GREEN.
*Bullet*If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
*Cut*but sheโ€™s gonna love your kids, and when she sees what a great uncle I am and how much fun kids can be, Iโ€™ll make her see that raising kids isnโ€™t the huge dangerous risk she thinks it is.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Beware repeating words and phrases as it runs the risk of making your prose seem monotone. Here, "kids" repeats three times in close proximity. *Exclaim*

                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*


Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!


Max Griffin ๐Ÿณ๏ธโ€๐ŸŒˆ
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out my essay   on short stories.



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
108
108
Review by
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Groups  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Review Spot Review


Item Reviewed: "When the Blood Moon Rises: Part 1
Author Dawnshade
Reviewer: Max Griffin ๐Ÿณ๏ธโ€๐ŸŒˆ

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart*

                                                             
*FlagB*What I liked best
There is certainly much to love here. First, the prose is lovely. It flows well, and I loved the use of language. Second, you clealy have a richly detailed and well-thought-out fictional world. Finally, you have a complex and detailed plot. All of these contribute to making a fine piece of work.

I confess that I stopped reading at the end of chapter one. This reviewing service has a 4000 word limit for a reason: critiquing is hard work, and my concentration flags after about 4000 words. I'd be happy to read more, but please submit in bite-sized chunks. Thanks!

                                                             
*FlagB*Style and Voice
This chapter uses an omniscient narrator, in which the author stands outside the fictional events, looking in. The author knows the internal thoughts of all the characters; in fact, the author knows everything.

This narrative style dominated 19th century literature and continued well into the 20th. However, it has all but disappeared from commercial fiction today. About 30% of all contemporary fiction uses a first person narrator, while the overwhelming majority of the remainder uses third person limited.

Omniscient narration has many advantages, since it lets the author convey lots of information with minimal words. However, no one reads fiction to learn background information. People read fiction for the human connection with the characters: their sorrows and joys, triumphs and tragedies, loves and losses. Narration chills that connection, which is why it's so much stronger to reveal things through the words and deeds of your characters rather than by telling the readers stuff.

In third person limited, for each scene the author chooses one character to provide the point of view. The reader can know what that character sees, hears, smells, and otherwise senses. The reader can know what that character thinks, as well. But the reader has to infer these things about all the other characters through their words and deeds. The idea is that the author places the readers deep inside the head of one character, and then the readers encounter the fictional world through that character in a holistic manner, the same way we encounter the real world. That human connection, done well, will draw the reader into the story and thus into the fictional world.

A novel can--and usually does--have many point-of-view characters, but there should be only one for each scene.

In the line-by-line remarks below, you'll several places where I've noted the point-of-view has changed by saying things like, "now we're in Casimir's head." Each little shift in point of view disrupts the fictional dream playing in the reader's head and thus disrupts the connection with the fictional world and the story.

My main suggestion is that for each scene you pick one character to provide the point of view and stick with it. In the throne room scene, we hop from one character to another, which also makes it hard to figure out what's happening. My guess is that Casimir might be the ideal POV character for this scene, since he can think (and "know") things about the other participants that will give context. Sticking with one character will give more unity and coherence to the scene as well.

In later scenes, you can use other characters to provide the POV, although I wouldn't over-do it. It takes readers a while to get comfortable with a new POV character and slip into their skin. Too many POV characters will disrupt your story.

                                                             
*FlagB*Characters
Hitchcock famously said that the audience cares about the characters. The plot, he continued, is there to give the characters something to care about. He was speaking of cinema, of course, but the same applies to the written word.

Characters need to want something--to have a goal. The goal has to matter. Bad things will happen if the characters fail--these are the stakes. Finally, there need to be obstacles. The conflict between goals, stakes, and obstacles produces tension and gives rise to plot. The author increases tension by adding goals, piling up obstacles, and raising the stakes. This produces drama, and leads to the ultimate resolution of the novel.

Your prologue gives Kyvan's goals. By the end of the first chapter, the stakes and his obstacles are clear. Similarly, we learn Astiroth's goals in chapter one. I get that he's the villain, but giving him goals makes him a more credible, fully dimensional character.

The other two primary characters, Casimir and Aneira, are not yet as clear. No doubt you know the goals, stakes, and obstacles for these characters. This is early in the novel, so not knowing them isn't critical. However, if you elect to use one of them as a POV character, then the relationship with the reader becomes much more intimate and revealing these deeper aspects of their characterization is critical.

At the beginning of a novel, all three elements--goals, stakes, and obstacles--should be present. These might not be the same throughout the novel, but they should still be there.

Finally, while the prologue reveals Kyvyn's goals, it does so in a letter. In other words, it's narrated--told--instead of shown through his actions. We don't really get to see him interacting with another character at all--I don't count being ensnared by Astiroth's whips as "interaction." Thus, it's hard for a reader to have an emotional connection with him.

Finally, the opening paragraphs with the little girl and her brother were too short to really make a conntection with either character and seemed disjoint from the rest of the action in the chapter. Again, I'm sure you have a connection all plotted out, but right now it just feels tacked on. It's not long enough for the readers to make a real emotional connection with the characters, and thus to care about what happens to them. By the end of the chapter, I fear readers will have forgotten all about them.

                                                             
*FlagB*Plot
I will say that this chapter launches what promises to be the primary conflict of the novel in vivid and exciting ways.

                                                             
*FlagB*Hook
Disaster is always a good hook--but whose disaster? Readers will need a reason to care what happens to Casimir, Aniera, Kyvyn, etc.

                                                             
*FlagB*Scene/Setting
As I said above, lovely prose that sets the scene and the mood with wonderful detail.

                                                             
*FlagB*Grammar
I don't read for grammar, although I usually find somethint to whine about. I think I found one typo. This is well done.

                                                             
*FlagB*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

All of my comments above about point of view, plot, and characters are about launching and maintaining the fictional dream playing in the readers' heads. The best novels not only have exciting plots and strong characters, they are memorable precisely because the readers have formed an emotional connection to the events and the characters. It's the point of view that's the key to that connection. That's why I spent so much time on this aspect above. You've got all of the other aspects nailed. Thanks for sharing, and do keep on writing. This looks like it's going to be an awesome project!

                                                             
*FlagB*Line-by-line remarks
*Bullet*Your text is in BLUE.
*Bullet*My comments are in GREEN.
*Bullet*If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
*Cut*He understood her trepidation.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This suggests we are in the nameless young man's point of view... *Exclaim*

*Cut*her thoughts for a moment captured by the hopeful future Bleiz described. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: but here, we've hopped to the girl's point of view... *Exclaim*

*Cut*Draped over the window hung a pair of burgundy curtains.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Page three, and we have a new scene and--presumably--a new point of view. The descriptions here are strong, but there is no point of view at all. Who is seeing the curtains and man sleeping? Whenever you launch a new scene, it's important to establish the point-of-view in the first paragraph, or in the first sentence if at all possible. *Exclaim*

*Cut*A knock on the door broke him from his concentration *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: In this paragraph, it becomes apparent that we're supposed to be in the head of the man who was sleeping at the start of the scene... *Exclaim*

*Cut*How she hated this man and everything he represented; his lack of morals, formal etiquette, and cockiness racked at her core.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Here we've hopped into Aneira's head. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Astiroth bowed in apology before retreating to his chamber to dawn his armor of the royal guard. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: typo: I think you mean "don" his armor. *Exclaim*

*Cut*To obtain such authority was Astiroth's deepest desire. Every waking minute, the man craved power over the other pathetic weaklings in Etias. There was never enough for him; his lust for control unceasing. However, Astiroth hid this while in the Reaper's castle. He forced his deranged ideologies to the most posterior part of his mind to turn on the facade of 'weakness.'*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This tells us about Astiroth's goals and desires. It's almost always more effective to reveal these things through the words and deeds of the characers, i.e., to show them. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Aneira always felt the eyes of the king could seep into one's thoughts.*Cut*
*Exclaim*My Comment: hops into Aneira's head. *Exclaim*


*Cut*He had seen firsthand what happens when one peers into that being's eyes. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: In Astiroth'shead. *Exclaim*

*Cut*He preferred not to be another statistic to that deadly glance.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Back in Astiroth's head. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Casimir's vision filled with white spots as he attempted to regain his footing.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: in Casimer's head. *Exclaim*

                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*


Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!


Max Griffin ๐Ÿณ๏ธโ€๐ŸŒˆ
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out my {x-link:http://maxgriffin.net/LongMusings.shtml}


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Rated: E | (4.0)
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Item Reviewed: "Maia and the Rhino
Author MichaelH
Reviewer: Max Griffin ๐Ÿณ๏ธโ€๐ŸŒˆ

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart*

I see that you just joined Writing.Com, so I'd like to welcome you to the site. This is a great place to post your work, and to learn and grow as an author. It's also a great place to make new friends, both professional and personal. As you explore the rich resources available here, don't hesitate to drop me a note if you have questions or would like advice.


                                                             
*FlagB*What I liked best
There is much to love here, but I think I'll choose your opening paragraph as my favorite thing. You name your point-of-view character, you put readers in her head through subjective sensations (shivering in the misty cold, the thumping of her heart), and you establish the basic elements of the plot. You also begin orienting the reader in time and place, although since Maia doesn't know where she is, the best you can do is describe what she sees, hears, smells, and otherwise senses.

Openings are among the hardest things to write, and you've done a great job!

                                                             
*FlagB*Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

                                                             
*FlagB*Characters
Characters have goals: something they strive to attain. The goals matter: something bad happens if they don't achieve their goals. Those are the stakes. Finally, there are obstacles to achieving those goals. Tension arises in the conflict between goals, stakes, and obstacles. Authors increase tension by deepening the goals, raising the stakes, or adding obstacles. Tension is the key to momentum in your novel and to keeping the pages turning.

Maia has a goal--figure where she is and how she got here. The problem is that there are no clues, and no one to talk to. While "going home" is a goal that probably matters, We don't know much about her, which makes it harder for readers to care about her problem. The obstacles are also pretty vague, since there are no clues.

We do have the mysterious rhinoceros charge, but the apparently threatening beast turns out to be friendly. Then, at the end, another mystery danger arises, again with no context.

Don't get me wrong. I like mystery. But readers need something handle they can grasp to pull them into the story. For example, Maia could do something endearing that establishes her bona fides as a character. "Saving the cat," i.e., doing a gratuitous good deed, is one way to do this. Standing her ground against the rhino charge might be another way to show gallantry in the face of hopeless odds. But we need some insight into who Maia is, what motivates her beyond her current circumstances, and why we should cheer for her success.

                                                             
*FlagB*Plot
The broader plot appears to be a variation of the "Hero's journey," or, in this case, teh "Heroine's journey." However, the traditional approach would be to first show Maia in her ordinary world, even if only briefly, and then follow that with the precipitating incident that launches her journey. Think of Luke in Star Wars prior to the Storm Troopers killing his aunt and uncle. That's also a way to give readers insight into who Maia is and what makes her tick.

In any case, the heroin's journey provides a great platform for an adventure, with endless possibilities for variation.

                                                             
*FlagB*Hook
Hooks are what keep the pages turning to the next chapter. Some are more effective than others. I've found that this short blog provides good insight into the various kinds of hooks: http://thebookdoctorbd.blogspot.com/2011/09/using-...

                                                             
*FlagB*Style and Voice
Third person limited, in Maia's head.

                                                             
*FlagB*Referencing
As noted above, i could use more context. Be careful, though, to keep the context in the here-and-now of the story and avoid narrating background or history. Tell the readers enough that they can understand what's going on in the unfolding events of the story, and reveal the information through the words and deeds of your characters.

                                                             
*FlagB*Scene/Setting
Sufficient for staging. However, I almost always want more, not because I want more description but because I want to see the POV character interacting with her environment. That interaction can reveal much about character and plot.

                                                             
*FlagB*Grammar
*Exclaim* Commas.*Exclaim*
I thought I saw some comma errors. I'm terrible with commas, so I won't try to point them out. Instead, here's a great reference:
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_c...
I've read it, and they're still a mystery to me. I hope it helps!

Be careful about repeating words and phrases, as this runs the risk of making your prose seem monotone. I've flagged a couple of places in the line-by-line remarks below.

                         
*FlagB*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

For the most part, you've done a good job of putting the reader inside Maia's head and hence inside your fictional world. This chapter has lots of action and mystery, and provides a good start to what promises to be an exciting adventure. Thanks for sharing, and do keep writing!!

                                                             
*FlagB*Line-by-line remarks
*Bullet*Your text is in BLUE.
*Bullet*My comments are in GREEN.
*Bullet*If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
*Cut*She breathed in the chilly air, and tried to convince herself that this could only be a dream.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: no comma *Exclaim*

*Cut*A tall mound of earth, more than 10 feet tall, rose from the floor. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: "tall" repeats. You could just eliminate the first instance. *Exclaim*

*Cut*She walked carefully towards it, looking both ways in a vein attempt to spot any dangers *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: vain attempt.... *Exclaim*

*Cut*Large insects scurried this way and that, carrying leaves down into the labyrinthine structure.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: "large" is a vague adjective that gives no sense of scale. Are they "large for ants," or are they a foot long? *Exclaim*

*Cut*Sitting on her grandfathers knee in his study, *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: missing apostrophe *Exclaim*

*Cut*She was helpless and scared. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This tells us how she's feeling. Can you show it? Maybe her eyes dot this way and that, and her body quakes, or her knees turn to water. *Exclaim*

*Cut*as it ran and it bellowed a deafening roar. Maia ran, putting whatever distance she could *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: "ran" repeats... *Exclaim*

*Cut*Still sat beneath it, she held out her hand, *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Did you mean SHE sat? Also, in the prior sentence the rhino is a "he," while here you use "it." *Exclaim*

                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*


Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!


Max Griffin ๐Ÿณ๏ธโ€๐ŸŒˆ
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out my {x-link:http://maxgriffin.net/LongMusings.shtml}


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
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Hi! My name is Max Griffin ๐Ÿณ๏ธโ€๐ŸŒˆ , and I'm here to review your entry in the "Show, Don't Tell Contest

Item Reviewed: "A Day In The Life...
Author ๐Ÿ’™ Carly
Reviewer: Max Griffin ๐Ÿณ๏ธโ€๐ŸŒˆ

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Our contest has multiple judges, and final rankings are always the result of a group process. Remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart*

                                                             
*FlagB*What I liked best
You did a great job building tension as Roscoe surveys the chaos in his home. The way you released that tension was awesome and unexpected! Nice job.

                                                             
*FlagB*Effective showing of the information in the prompt.
(25 points out of 30)
For the most part you did a good job here, except for a subtle point. There are several instances where Roscoe "felt," "took in" or otherwise "sensed" something. It's almost always more immediate and intimate for the readers to directly describe what he sensed. You've done a great job establishing Roscoe as the point-of-view character, so readers will readily infer that whatever you describe is something he "sensed." If you want to emphasize he sensed it, you can always have him react--which you do in several places. So, you'll see several places in the line-by-line remarks where I've tagged these "I felt..." phrases.

                                                             
*FlagB*First Paragraph
(15 points out of 20)
Starting in media res--in the middle of action--is almost always good advice. Your opening, however, starts with a mini-flashback: "I'd left at 5:30..." I think it would be stronger to place the morning's departure in the here-and-now, having him kiss her goodbye, and maybe even having her wake and tell him what she plans to do do for the day--information that appears a couple of paragraphs down in another mini-flashback. I think it would be stronger still to start your story with Roscoe's arrival home, discovering the mess. He can be anticipating the aromas of homemade bread and stew, only to be met with the noxious vomit stench.

Flashbacks can be an author's friend, but they disrupt the linear flow of events. That's especially challenging in a short story, where the readers are just becoming accustomed to your fictional world. I'd suggest rephrasing where possible to avoid disrupting the here-and-now, and especially to avoid narrating past events.


                                                             
*FlagB*Creativity and Originality
(15 points out of 15)
The messy house was part of the scenario. YOu used it to show the loving relationship between Ruby and Roscoe. That was unexpected and brilliant.

                                                             
*FlagB* Effective showing--as opposed to telling--for the whole story
(13 points out of 15)
Mostly did a great job here, but see above for "I felt/sensed" phrases.

                                                             
*FlagB*Plot and Pacing
(10 points out of 10)
Awesome here.

                                                             
*FlagB*Technical Proficiency (such as grammar, spelling, proof-reading, and following the contest rules)
(8 points out of 10)
A couple of minor typos--see the line-by-line remarks.

                                                             
*FlagB* Total Points
86 points out of 100

                                                             
*FlagB*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

I liked your story, and especially liked the positive ending. Thanks for sharing!!!

                                                             
*FlagB*Line-by-line remarks
*Bullet*Your text is in BLUE.
*Bullet*My comments are in GREEN.
*Bullet*If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
*Cut*I could already feel the heaviness of the day*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Phrases like "I felt" tell rather than show what he's feeling. If, instead, you'd said, "The heaviness of the day weighed on me," that shows "heaviness" acting on him--although I'm not sure what "heaviness" means in this case. Humidity? Or just general miasma from a bad night's sleep?

BTW, if you want to emphasize he "felt" it, you can have him react in some way--stretching, for example, or wiping sweat from his brow. *Exclaim*
.

*Cut*She had said that was one of her plans for today, *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: There's a mini-time-reversal here. A nonlinear time flow runs the risk of pulling readers out of the here-and-now of ongoing events. *Exclaim*

*Cut*But when I walked in the door, I was met with chaos. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Passive voice. Perhaps "chaos confronted me..." *Exclaim*

*Cut*A retched stench greeted me and I almost gagged as I came in the side door.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: I think you meant "wretched," but I'm uncertain. "Retch" is, of course, a verb meaning "vomit," and "retched" would be the past tense, so I think you might mean the "stench of vomit..." *Exclaim*

*Cut*The retched smell had not abated, *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Here, I'd suggest "retching" to make the verb "retch" into an adjective. *Exclaim*

*Cut*I could feel my nails biting into my flesh.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: "I could feel..." -- see above. *Exclaim*

*Cut*My eyes took in the dishes piled high in the sink, abandoned.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: I'd just describe directly what he sees. You've done a great job using subjective terms and sensations, so the reader is in his head. They will infer that whatever you describe is something he has seen. Instead of filtering what he sees, it's almost always more immediate and intimate for the readers to describe it directly. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Then stood a moment to drag in lungful's of fresh air. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: No apostrophe. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Hearing the television, I moved into the living room*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This is another place where describing the sound directly is more immediate and intimate for the readers, followed by his reaction--moving to the living room. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Exhaustion seemed to drip off her*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: I'd consider directly describing how she looked--dark circles under her eyes, drooping eyelids, pinched mouth, weary eyes, straggly hair, etc. *Exclaim*

*Cut*I looked down at my usually pulled together wife and felt the anger drain out of me. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: another "felt." *Exclaim*

*Cut*"I'm sorry, Ruby." I wheezed out when I could finally catch my breath. "You win for worst day." I made my way over to the sofa and dropped down beside her as our chuckles mingled. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: The story is really over when they manage to laugh at what's happened--that dissipates the tension you'd done such a good job building. I'd suggest wrapping things up with a short statement--like the very last sentence of your story, which tells us all will be well.. We don't really need the details you put in--we know as soon as they both laugh all will be well. *Exclaim*


                                                             

I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Even though I'm scoring this for a contest, I'm also reviewing in part for my own edification. Thus, as is my usual policy, I have given a rating of "4" to all contest entries. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade." *Smile*


Again, these are just one person's opinions. The contest has more than one judge, so you shouldn't assign inordinate weight to any one review. Regardless, remember that only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for our contest. We hope you found it to be fun and a learning experience. Keep on writing!


Max Griffin ๐Ÿณ๏ธโ€๐ŸŒˆ
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out my {x-link:http://maxgriffin.net/LongMusings.shtml}


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review by
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Rated: E | (4.0)
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Item Reviewed: "Audio-Visual Communication Part 1
Author Ezekiel Stephens
Reviewer: Max Griffin ๐Ÿณ๏ธโ€๐ŸŒˆ

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart*

                                                             
*FlagB*What I liked best
I loved the premise for this story, where people use digitally enhanced versions of their faces in all communications. It's a wonderful metaphor for the virtual world we live in today and has enormous potential for a powerful story.

                                                             
*FlagB*Characters
Calbiri is the only character in the story. We learn his name in the first paragraph, and that his job is to monitor faces for the government, but we don't know much more about him.

Effective fictional characters have goals, something to strive for. Something bad happens if they don't achieve their goals--these are the stakes. Finally, something stands in the way of achieving the goals, i.e., there are obstacles. Tension arises between the goals and the obstacles, and the reader cares about the results because of the stakes. Tension increases by increasing the obstacles, raising the stakes, or clarifying the goals. Goals, stakes, and obstacles are heart of tension, and tension is the engine that drives plot.

My main suggestion for this story is to figure out these things for Calibri. He doesn't have to know his goals--his lack of self-awareness might be the obstacle--but readers need to be able to figure them out.

                                                             
*FlagB*Plot
A story usually has a beginning, a middle, and an ending. You've got the basics of a beginning and a middle, but the story felt like it stopped rather than ended. I think that's partly because we don't know enough about Calibri to place what he sees in a context that's personal and relates to his situation. The ending should close a loop, even if it opens another, but there's not a loop to close here. There's an awesome premise, but I think it needs to be personalized to Calibri, his life, his needs and goals.

                                                             
*FlagB*Referencing
Great idea on face-enhancement technology and its implications for social interaction. I'd like to see this in action, in a here-and-now scene where the technology hides who someone--probably Calibri--really is.

It's also not clear why the government is monitoring faces. That's vaguely sinister, but without more information it just kind of hangs there. Is the exceptional face he sees in the story reportable to someone, for example?

                                                             
*FlagB*Scene/Setting
No information on setting, either. Is Calibri in a room crowded with other face-monitors, or is he at home? If the latter, what's his home like? Revealing the setting can advance both character and plot, if done with planning and insight. So, my advice is to have a light touch, but to give some information on where Calibri is located to orient the readers.

                                                             
*FlagB*Grammar
*Exclaim* Comma Splices.*Exclaim*
A comma splice occurs when you have two complete sentences joined by a comma where a period or semicolon should be used. I've marked one or more of these in the line-by-line comments below.

                                                             
*FlagB*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

I really liked the idea of this story. The implication of face-enhancing technology on digital communications is fascinating, and could be the basis for dozens of stories. It's original and creative. This story, with its kind of melancholy tone, is one of several fictional representations of this idea. I liked the originality and detail you present, and encourage you to pursue this with more stories. Thanks for sharing, and keep writing!

                                                             
*FlagB*Line-by-line remarks
*Bullet*Your text is in BLUE.
*Bullet*My comments are in GREEN.
*Bullet*If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
*Cut*The images had reached a height of perfection, they were like angels. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: comma splice *Exclaim*

*Cut*Audio-Visual Communication...that was what this was called. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This launches several paragraphs of background information.

This is a fascinating idea, and surely these details are needed to understand the story. However, the challenge is that they are all told in narrative form, like an essay or encyclopedia article.

Editors and agents have a name for this kind narrative explanation: the "info-dump." It stops the story cold and breaks the fictional dream playing the readers' heads.

Instead, it's better to reveal this kind of detail through the words and deeds of your characters, by showing them interacting with their environment. *Exclaim*


*Cut*Calibri looked at another assortment of video feeds*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: here's where the story re-starts. *Exclaim*

                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*


Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!


Max Griffin ๐Ÿณ๏ธโ€๐ŸŒˆ
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out my {x-link:http://maxgriffin.net/LongMusings.shtml}


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
112
112
Review of Agent  
Review by
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Groups  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Review Spot Review


Item Reviewed: "Agent
Author Angustia
Reviewer: Max Griffin ๐Ÿณ๏ธโ€๐ŸŒˆ

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart*

                                                             
*FlagB*What I liked best
I really liked this quixotic little piece. There is more unsaid than said here, and the barest of hints as to meaning. Searching for self is, I think, at the heart of this piece, along with the snippet of e e cummings verse in your WDC biography.

I found this piece more akin to poetry than fiction, despite it's structure with dialogue and action. Every word counts, and understanding lurks in the shadows, along with the Agent.

                                                             
*FlagB*Plot
This story starts as an enigma--who are Peter and the agent? What brings them together? What are sources of the agent's wounds? But then hints percolate that the agent and Peter are the same, contradictory aspects of a single individual. Other hints point to the agent--or maybe Peter--being a psychotic delusion. Other hints point to a contrived universe, perhaps like that of The Matrix. At the end, though, I think this is an exploration of the aforementioned verse by cummings.

                                                             
*FlagB*Style and Voice
Third person limited, in Peter's head. No slips.

                                                             
*FlagB*Scene/Setting
This is pretty sparse. My preference would be for a touch more, but not much. Setting can advance character and plot if done correctly and with care--that's what I'm thinking of.

                                                             
*FlagB*Grammar
*Exclaim* Comma Splices.*Exclaim*
A comma splice occurs when you have two complete sentences joined by a comma where a period or semicolon should be used. I've marked one or more of these in the line-by-line comments below.

                                                             
*FlagB*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

This story draws us into Peter's head and his world, while at the same time making us wonder if he's delusional and if his world has any connection to reality at all. I loved the enigmatic character, although it's a big departure from the hard-core realism I usually read. There's mystery here, and a conflicted soul.

I fear that my comments are pretty sparse: a minor suggestion on the opening and a few comma splices. This is well-written.

Thanks for sharing, and keep on writing. It takes talent to write a story like this one!

                                                             
*FlagB*Line-by-line remarks
*Bullet*Your text is in BLUE.
*Bullet*My comments are in GREEN.
*Bullet*If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
*Cut*"How is Ellen?" The man sitting on his desk asks. He has delicate, pale hands; they curl nicely around a half-burnt cigarette. Peter just finished cleaning them; he was meticulous enough not to leave clogs of blood under the nails, and to rub the palms with enough alcohol to make them clean again. The agent might say he doesn't mind, that he's used to it, but dirty hands disturb Peter, and if he's going to stare at the agent all night, he better be looking good.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This is a good opening. It starts in the middle of action--Peter is cleaning the agent's wounds while having a conversation with him. You name your point-of-view character, and orient the reader in space.

One minor suggestion is to begin with Peter as opposed to the agent. He's your POV character, so the sooner you establish that, the better. Having him act or, better yet, sense something internal will put readers in his head and launch the story. As another minor point, rather than "the man," I'd name him as the agent. *Exclaim*


*Cut*"Small-talk isn't your thing, what is it you expect to hear tonight?"*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: comma splice *Exclaim*

*Cut*Peter knows he should not be as used to this as he is. Knows what normal people fear to know. Knows he is alone in the room.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Revealing insight here... *Exclaim*

*Cut*"Don't be like that, are you going to tell me this isn't some kind of indulgence from your duties, Mr. Agent? *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: comma splice *Exclaim*

*Cut*The agent laughs, it's small, like everything about him.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: comma splice *Exclaim*

*Cut*His daughter will have to make do with it for the rest of the week, there's nothing else to buy out there.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: comma splice *Exclaim*

*Cut*The white mask covers half of Agent's face, it reflects Peter's face.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: another hint... *Exclaim*

*Cut*He smiles at the only real thing in the room.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: nice...given the earlier hints that the agent and Peter are the same person, this implies only Peter is real and the rest is delusion--or illusion. *Exclaim*

                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*


Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!


Max Griffin ๐Ÿณ๏ธโ€๐ŸŒˆ
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out my {x-link:http://maxgriffin.net/LongMusings.shtml}


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
113
113
Review of A Stranger Calls  
Review by
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Groups  
Rated: E | (4.0)
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*Smile* Hi. My name is Max.Thanks for asking me to read your story. I enjoyed it and wanted to share some thoughts with you.

Item Reviewed: "A Stranger Calls
Author Vick Rolling ๐Ÿณ๏ธโ€๐ŸŒˆ
Reviewer: Max Griffin ๐Ÿณ๏ธโ€๐ŸŒˆ

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart*

                                                             
*FlagB*What I liked best
I love stories with a twist. Here, the tension builds nicely in this short piece right up to the--apparent!--release when Blake appears at the door. Then, wham! The twist comes. Nice work!

                                                             
*FlagB*Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Here, we start with a poetic image of thunder and lightning. I liked it, but it appears before anything else happens and, in particular, before we meet Brendon. Thus, it's an omniscient narrator, standing outside the story, telling us about the lightning and thunder. This puts the readers outside the story, looking in, too. Instead, you want the readers inside your fictional world, imagining it along with you, the author.

The most effective way to put your readers inside your story is to first put them inside the head of your point-of-view character--in this case, Brendon. Thus, if you start with Brendon acting or, better yet, sensing something internal, that will put the readers inside his head and launch a fictional dream playing in their heads. Once they're in Brendon's head, it'll be him thinking about the thunder and lightning, and they'll be *inside* the story.

Some other important features of an opening involve orienting the readers. At least some of the who/what/when/where/how/why questions should be answered in your opening. In particular, we don't know where Brendon is at until somewhat later. We don't know if he's in an apartment or a house, we don't know anything about the interior, time of day, and other elements. Who is Blake, anyway? A friend? Co-worker? An ex-lover? Someone Brendon is expecting to come over? You don't have to answer all these questions, but you as the author should know the answer to all of them. Once you know the answers and story, then you can pick and choose those things that will help draw readers into the story in a way that will enhance the plot and deepen the characterization.

Just as an example, maybe Brendon's apartment is compulsively neat, which says something about his character. Maybe there's a picture of Brendan and Blake at the beach, but the glass is cracked and the frame is bent. Little details can suggest much. It's better to suggest a tempestuous relationship via the broken glass and damaged frame than to tell the readers about it, for example. that would be assuming, of course, that there is such a relationship and it's somehow important to the plot.

                                                             
*FlagB*Plot
We've got the mysterious phone call, which repeats. The repetition increases tension. Brendon's distress increases tension. The storm outside reinforces the increase in tension. Tension is the engine that drives plot, and you've done a good job firing it up.

I have to ask, though. What's the significance of "Hello Moto?" Is that his ringtone? Or is it Blake, talking to him? Or something else? Doubtless, I'm being dense.

                                                             
*FlagB*Style and Voice
Mostly third person limited, in Brendon's head.

                                                             
*FlagB*Scene/Setting
See above. We need more, just to help us locate Brendan and later Blake in space and time.

                                                             
*FlagB*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

I've already noted that I think we need a bit more clarity on location, and some sensory information for Brendon to help launch the fictional dream and draw readers into the story.

That said, however, I liked this story for the twist, which was especially effective in the way you delivered it. Thanks for sharing, and do keep on writing!!!

                                                             
*FlagB*Line-by-line remarks
*Bullet*Your text is in BLUE.
*Bullet*My comments are in GREEN.
*Bullet*If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
*Cut*As he opens the door Blake spits up blood, holding his neck, falling directly upon Brendon trapping him.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This is kind of a run-on sentence. The climax of the story is here, so I'd use shorter sentences, which read faster. That increase the pace of events for the reader, which adds to the tension and release. *Exclaim*
*Cut*Brendon's screams fade into the thunder applauding the lightning's dance across the night sky. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: I get that repeating the metaphor of the thunder applauding the lightning can add unity to the beginning and ending of the story. However, the metaphor is pretty memorable, and I think repeating it weakens it rather than connecting the beginning and end. *Exclaim*

*Cut*A dark figure drops Blake's phone in the middle of the street.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: I'm also not quite clear about the dark figure. Was he waiting on Brendon's doorstep for Blake? If so, why was Blake repeated calling and hanging up? Or did he have Blake's phone all along, and was the call supposedly from Blake really from the "dark figure?" If the latter, I'd have Brendon think that Blake's voice sounded strange when he spoke. In any case, I think we need some clarity here. I don't mind ambiguity, but the readers need some clues about what might-or might not--be happening. *Exclaim*

                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*


Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!


Max Griffin ๐Ÿณ๏ธโ€๐ŸŒˆ
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out my essay   on short stories.



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
114
114
Review by
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Groups  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
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*Smile* Hi. My name is Max. I'm here to review your entry in the "Invalid Item.

Item Reviewed: "Terence and Harold
Author Robert Waltz
Reviewer: Max Griffin ๐Ÿณ๏ธโ€๐ŸŒˆ

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart*

Congratulations on your second-place finish in the contest. This was a fine story and an original, modern take on the tortoise-and-hare fable.


                                                             
*FlagB*What I liked best
The contrast between Harold--the hare--and Terrence--the tortoise--was awesome. Loved the characters and their use in the story.

                                                             
*FlagB*Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

Your opening names the two characters, orients the readers in time and place, and sets of up the contest. This achieves most of the primary goals of an opening, but I've still got some suggestions.

After the race starts, the story alternates the point of view between the two brothers. However, in the opening, we essentially have an omniscient narrator, who knows everything about both brothers. Omniscient narrators have certainly been around for a long time, and once dominated fiction. Today, however, about 30% of fiction uses a first person narrator and the overwhelming majority of the remainder uses third person limited. In the latter, the author chooses one character to provide the point of view. Readers may know what that character senses and thinks, but must infer these things about other characters. The idea is that readers will experience the fictional world through the POV character, and the resulting "fictional dream" will be more immediate and intimate as a consequence.

Novels may and often do have more than one POV character, although the usual rule is one POV character per scene. Short stories, due to length, most often have only one POV character. The reason is that each shift in point of view requires readers to readjust their viewpoint, and runs the risk of disrupting the fictional dream. This runs the risk of pulling readers out of the fictional world and the story.

In your opening, you differentiate between the two characters. While they have distinct characteristics, these don't readily extend to their speech patterns and, truthfully, I had a hard time remembering which was which. Now, if you'd shown the opening scene in one point of view--I don't care which brother's--readers would be anchored by that person, his thoughts, his sensations, and so on. If it's Harold, for example, he'd be annoyed by Terrence's disheveled appearance and be seeing evidence of drug use. If it were Terrence, he'd likely be amused by his brother's uptight demeanor and appearance. By grounding the readers on one point of view, the differences between the two would be more apparent and persistent.

So, my first recommendation is to pick a brother to provide the POV in the opening scene in the coffee shop. I'll return to POV in the section on plot.

                                                             
*FlagB*Characters
Characters need to want something--to have a goal. The goal has to matter. Bad things will happen if the characters fail--these are the stakes. Finally, there need to be obstacles. The conflict between goals, stakes, and obstacles produces tension and gives rise to plot. The author increases tension by adding goals, piling up obstacles, and raising the stakes. This produces drama, and leads to the ultimate resolution of the novel.

Goals, stakes, and obstacles are the basic building blocks of plot.

Here, each brother has a goal, namely the well-being of their brother. It's more overt for Harold, but Terrence does as well, as evidenced by his intention to tell Harold about the spa. This is a goal that certainly matters. The obstacles are communication, expectations, and the other brother.

You do a great job of laying this all out by showing this in the words, deeds, and thoughts of your characters.

                                                             
*FlagB*Plot
Once the race starts, the plot developments in short segments where you alternate the point of view between Harold and Terrence. As I noted above, this technique runs the risk of breaking the fictional dream and pulling readers out of the story, although I understand why you want to use it here. You've correctly given readers visual cues--an extra space between each segment--to help them spot the change in POV. You also clearly start each section by putting the readers in the appropriate brother's head. So, I think this Roshomon-style approach works in this story.

The one suggestion I have, though, is that you might consider making each of these scenes a little longer. For example, the final Harold scene is only 74 words and one paragraph--that's scarcely enough to re-establish point view before we hop back into Terrence's head. I think you could make this work by showing the entire race first in Harold's POV up to where he reawakens in the spa, and then in Terrence's POV all the way to the end. That retains the contrasting approach to the race while maintaining continuity long enough to lower the risk of unsettling the readers.

                                                             
*FlagB*Referencing and setting
I loved the references to Manhattan. It's been a while since I've walked those streets, but you caught the feeling really well.

                                                             
*FlagB*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

Most of my comments above pertain to the idea of the "fictional dream." I didn't really find a lot to comment on in the line-by-line remarks, which indicates to me that this is a well-crafted story.

I enjoyed this story and the creative take on the Aesop fable. This is a well-written tale, with strong characters, good motivations, and lots of local color. It's certainly well-deserving of its placement in the contest. Thanks for sharing, and do keep writing! You have talent!

                                                             
*FlagB*Line-by-line remarks
*Bullet*Your text is in BLUE.
*Bullet*My comments are in GREEN.
*Bullet*If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
*Cut*The massive limo inched forward, its side dangerously close to a cabโ€™s back end. A frantic arm poked out of the taxi, warding away the black car.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: I'm not seeing the connection, even metaphorically, between the limo and the story. It's kind of distracting, especially since neither brother seems to react to it in any way even while apparently noticing it. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Anyway, we have all the latest equipment. Also locally sourced and organic.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: The equipment is organic? *Exclaim*โ€

                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*


Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!


Max Griffin ๐Ÿณ๏ธโ€๐ŸŒˆ
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out my essay   on short stories.



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
115
115
Review of A New Beginning  
Review by
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Groups  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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*Smile* Hi. My name is Max. I'm here to review the story you submitted to the first round of the "Invalid Item.

Item Reviewed: "A New Beginning
Author Kotaro
Reviewer: Max Griffin ๐Ÿณ๏ธโ€๐ŸŒˆ

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart*

For reference, the prompt was
A poor soldier returns from war, lonely and impoverished. He--or maybe she!--meets a witch, who promises him riches if he climbs into a cave and retrieves a magic tinderbox. Inside the cave, he encounters a dog with eyes like saucers guarding the prize. When he finally opens the box, a magic blue light shines on him and his life changes forever.


                                                             
*FlagB*What I liked best
This story brimmed with action and tension. The protagonist, John, is both troubled and sympathetic, and you did a great job showing both aspects of his character. He experiences flashbacks and nightmares, and doesn't have enough to even buy meals but must instead rely on meals from a homeless shelter. Still, when he comes into a sum of money, his first thought is to donate a non-trivial part of it back to the shelter. He's a credible and sympathetic character that readers will cheer for.

                                                             
*FlagB*Plot
The plot presents the protagonist, John, with a goal, namely to locate the rest of the "treasure" by following clues he found in his room, along with the initial bundle of cash. The obstacles are the criminals (?) following him. The stakes are high, since with the remainder of the cash he can get the treatment he needs for his PTSD.

I was a little confused about what he seemed to know about the criminals. See the line-by-line comments below. The ending seemed a little strange, too, since he didn't use the funds to get the treatment as planned.

                                                             
*FlagB*Style and Voice
This story uses an omniscient narrator, in which the author stands outside the fictional events, looking in. The author knows the internal thoughts of all the characters; in fact, the author knows everything.

This narrative style dominated 19th century literature and continued well into the 20th. However, it has all but disappeared from commercial fiction today. About 30% of all contemporary fiction uses a first person narrator, while the overwhelming majority of the remainder uses third person limited.

Omniscient narration has many advantages, since it lets the author convey lots of information with minimal words. However, no one reads fiction to learn background information. People read fiction for the human connection with the characters: their sorrows and joys, triumphs and tragedies, loves and losses. Narration chills that connection, which is why it's so much stronger to reveal things through the words and deeds of your characters rather than by telling the readers stuff.

In third person limited, for each scene the author chooses one character to provide the point of view. The reader can know what that character sees, hears, smells, and otherwise senses. The reader can know what that character thinks, as well. But the reader has to infer these things about all the other characters through their words and deeds. The idea is that the author places the readers deep inside the head of one character, and then the readers encounter the fictional world through that character in a holistic manner, the same way we encounter the real world. That human connection, done well, will draw the reader into the story and thus into the fictional world.

A novel can--and usually does--have many point-of-view characters, but there should be only one for each scene. Most short stories, due to length, will have only one POV character.

You start out in John's head, and it appeared to be third person limited. But then midway in the story the POV hopped about, changing back and forth between the criminals, to Juanita, and to John. I've noted some of these hops in the line-by-line remarks below to help you find them.

It wouldn't take much in the way of revision to write the entire story in John's POV--although I admit you'd have to sacrifice a couple of mini-scenes where he's not around to see things. However, keeping the readers in John's head increases the intimacy and immediacy of events and reinforces the fictional dream playing in the reader's imagination. For this reason, my main suggestion for this story is to make the tweaks necessary to show the entire thing in John's POV.

                                                             
*FlagB*Scene/Setting
This was good--lots of strong, vivid descriptions.

                                                             
*FlagB*Characters
John is an excellent character. The bad guys fill their role, although they don't have a lot of depth. Juanita doesn't have a huge role, but she comes across strong, too.

                                                             
*FlagB*Grammar
I wasn't ready for grammar, but this appeared to be clean copy. Good work!

                                                             
*FlagB*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

The suggestions I made above and below in the line-by-line remarks--on point of view and the opening paragraph--both pertain to strengthening the fictional dream playing the reader's head.

I had some questions about the plot, too. I note in passing that it only marginally followed the prompt, with several elements missing--the cave, the dog, and the blue light. In terms of the story, that's irrelevant. Had this been a contest entry, though, it would have influenced the judging.

Thanks for sharing this story. I enjoyed reading it. It was full of suspense and tension, and it's always gratifying to see the good guys win at the end. Keep on writing--you have talent!

                                                             
*FlagB*Line-by-line remarks
*Bullet*Your text is in BLUE.
*Bullet*My comments are in GREEN.
*Bullet*If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
*Cut*Flaming vehicles and flashes of light defeated the night and illuminated the pride of culture lost. The funk of burning tires and flesh churned his guts. Screams of agony rent the crackle of combustion and the roar of weapons. His squad huddled among rubble or laid dead or wounded in the streets. The shriek of an incoming round rose and rose to a crescendo.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: There are some wonderful sensory images in this opening paragraph. The opening establishes that the POV character is a soldier, and one who has known violent, even horrifying combat. The opening also foreshadows the plot by giving a hints about the goals of the protagonist.

I do have some teaks to suggest, however. First, there is no antecedent to the pronoun "his," so I'd take this opportunity to name John. We learn his name a few hundred words later, but stating it now will help to draw readers into his head and hence into the story.

Secondly, we learn in the next paragraph that the vivid events of this chapter are a dream. This might work in a screenplay, but it's really hard to pull off in a short story. Unlike a movie or a play, the action of a short story all happens in the reader's head. The reader imagines the fictional world, based on the clues provided by the author. The reader becomes the author's partner in constructing the here-and-now of this world. Launching this "fictional dream" in the reader's imagination is one of the primary purposes of an opening.

By starting with an actual dream, the reader is "fooled" into launching the wrong fictional dream, one that's in the middle of combat. As soon as John wakes up, the reader has reboot the fictional dream with a new set of cues. Every reboot to the fictional dream playing in the reader's head runs the risk of disrupting that dream-like state and breaking the partnership between the author and the reader in imagining the fictional world.

This kind of opening can work, but it's tricky and difficult to pull off. In a screenplay, for example, special effects, or even a transposed shot of John squirming in bed, can cue the person watching that they are witnessing a dream. But in a short story, you don't have cameras, or music, or a foley artist, or all the other things a screenwrite and director can access. You've just got words on the page.

So, my main recommendation for the opening is to start with John waking up from the dream, not with him in the dream. He can always sit up and think, that was a bad one." He could sniff for the smell of burning flesh, listen for the crackle of combustion and the roar of weapons, but hear only silence. Or maybe hear the neighbor's TV playing the song from Jeopardy. Alex Trebek was never like his dream.

That starts in the real here-and-now, but still lets you use the great images you put into your opening paragraph. *Exclaim*


*Cut*His t-shirt was damp with sweat.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Beware of sentences where the primary verb is a form of "to be." Here, for example, maybe his sweat-soaked t-shirt clings to his clammy body. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Gusts tossed old newspapers into the air. They flew up the street, shining wet from recent rain, then drifted to the pavement to be picked up by the next gust. He thought his life was like those discarded newspapers; pushed around by random events he had no power to influence.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Great paragraph, and awesome use of simile. *Exclaim*

*Cut*After a leisurely breakfast at a diner, he had a barber cut his hair short, then strolled to a menโ€™s shop to buy some clothes. During that time, at the hotel, two men in suits broke into a room on the third floor. With them was a woman in jeans and a sweatshirt.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: We've been in John's head so far, but here the POV abruptly shifts to his vacant room and an omniscient narrator. *Exclaim*

*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Establishes that we're in Juanita's head. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Eventually, the man they wanted saw the way they scanned the street and scrutinized the faces of the men they passed. He was slightly alarmed that they had come before he left.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Now we're in John's head. *Exclaim*

*Cut*They noticed he matched the age, height, build, and color of hair, but so did a lot of others. The things that didnโ€™t match: the clothes and the haircut, convinced them he wasnโ€™t the one.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Omniscient narrator, again, telling us what the pursuers know and think. *Exclaim*

*Cut*The tables were empty and the racket of pots and pans being washed could be heard. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: "could be heard" is passive voice, which puts your readers in a passive, receptive mood. We know that the "other one" is probably hearing this, so there is no need for the passive voice. Since it puts readers in a passive rather than active mode, it also works against engaging the readers' imaginations. *Exclaim*

*Cut*he discovered it occupied by the woman in the back seat and the thin man in the front. Probably, the muscular one was inside the church.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This phrasing suggests that Holmes knows who these people are. Was that your intent? From what went before, it felt like there was no connection between them except for the fortuitous discovery of the money. *Exclaim*

                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*


Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!


Max Griffin ๐Ÿณ๏ธโ€๐ŸŒˆ
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out my essay   on short stories.



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
116
116
Review by
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Review Spot Review


Item Reviewed: "The Novice Vampire Hunter
Author Christopher Roy Denton
Reviewer: Max Griffin ๐Ÿณ๏ธโ€๐ŸŒˆ

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart*

                                                             
*FlagB*What I liked best
A twist on the vampire legend that also includes a reference to the "Christian Singles" ads I see on TV. How ironic.

                                                             
*FlagB*Opening
I actually stumbled a bit in the first couple of paragraphs. The POV was clear, but I couldn't tell who was speaking, for example. See the line-by-line remarks.

                                                             
*FlagB*Plot
A nice little plot, complete with a twist. However, what happened to Stephen? Was he "turned," too? He kind of disappeared.

                                                             
*FlagB*Style and Voice
Third person limited, in Jeremy's head. no slips.

                                                             
*FlagB*Referencing
This is England in the 1920s, from nice in-line references to the recently completed war, flappers, etc. All that's missing is all that jazz.

                                                             
*FlagB*Scene/Setting
I'm guessing you're working against a word limit since this story is exactly 2000 words. However, the settings are pretty sparse. We miss scent in the opening, for example, there's no description of the gate, and later the crypt is even more sparsely described. I'm not sure you can cut anything and still meet the word limit, though.

                                                             
Clean copy, as awlays.

                                                             
*FlagB*Just my personal opinion
This is a nice little story with a satisfying twist at the end. I didn't find anything of substance to complain about. This is your usual excellent job.
Thanks for sharing!!!!

                                                             
*FlagB*Line-by-line remarks
*Bullet*Your text is in BLUE.
*Bullet*My comments are in GREEN.
*Bullet*If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
*Cut*Sir Jeremy Arkwright stepped back to avoid the phlegm flying from Mrs. Marsdenโ€™s maw. โ€œShe's a demon, sir. A blood-sucking fiend.โ€ Mr. Marsden cowered behind her in their farmhouse kitchen as she jabbed at the two puncture marks on his neck. โ€œAnd this ainโ€™t the first time.โ€*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Which of the three characters is speaking here? I can eventually guess that it's Mr. Marsden, but it's not at all clear at the point of the first speech. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Stephen, his friend, leaned close and whispered, โ€œThat's the third weโ€™ve seen. Do you believe me now?โ€*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Logically, this is Mr. Marsden's friend, since his name is the nearest proper noun preceding the pronoun, but from later context he's Jeremy's friend. *Exclaim*

*Cut*โ€œWith your triple first in Theology from Cambridge,*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: I thought Cambridge was more for science and Oxford for humanities? Sort of like Harvard and MIT. I suppose he could go to Cambridge to study theology, but wouldn't Oxford be more likely? *Exclaim*

*Cut*The kissing gate came into view.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: I suppose you're working against a word limit, but I'd like a sense of what it looks like. *Exclaim*

*Cut*It appears female vampires may only bite male humans and vice versa.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: no gay vampires? Who knew? After Oscar Wilde, even 1920s England would have known about gay people. *Exclaim*

                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*


Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!


Max Griffin ๐Ÿณ๏ธโ€๐ŸŒˆ
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out my {x-link:http://maxgriffin.net/LongMusings.shtml}


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
117
117
Review of Stabbers  
Review by
Rated: E | (4.0)
Review Spot Review


Item Reviewed: "Stabbers
Author Olive Ollitick
Reviewer: Max Griffin ๐Ÿณ๏ธโ€๐ŸŒˆ

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart*

                                                             
*FlagB*What I liked best
I thought the idea of "stabbers" was creative and original. It looks like a new idea for "super powers" which has lots of potential. It's clear what it can and cannot do, and it's self-limiting, which gives lots of opportunity for tension. Awesome, original idea!

                                                             
*FlagB*Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

Whenver you start a new scene--action in a new location or situation--it's important to orient your readers. This means answering most of the basic who, what, when, where, why, and how questions. For example, in chapter 1, we never really learn *where* the action is happening. We are apparently in "her" point-of-view, but we don't know who "she" is. I'm guessing she's Maize from chapter 2, but the pronouns in chapter 1 have no antecedent, so that's guesswork. More importantly, we don't learn Maize's number until the title of chapter 2. We also don't know where this is happening. We do have some sense of what is happening and who else is there, but we don't know why it's happening.

I found similar issues with the other chapters. Thus, one of my main suggestions for this is to be sure you orient your readers by answering most of the above questions whenever you start a new scene.

                                                             
*FlagB*Plot
The "stabbers" appear to be mutants who have a particular ability. As noted above, I like this idea quite a lot.

                                                             
*FlagB*Referencing
I like that we learn about the stabber's abilities in chapter 2 by seeing them in action. While you clearly have detailed ideas about the abilities, you avoided a narrative explanation and instead opted to show the stabbers using their skills and, at the same time, showing the hostility from the non-stabbers. Good work!

                                                             
*FlagB*Grammar
I found a few minor typos--see the line-by-line remarks below.

                                                             
*FlagB*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

MOstly, I think you did a good job with the fictional dream. The action in chapter 2 was particularly well done. The staging was good--I could always tell where the characters were in relation to each other and their environment. The tension escalated nicely.

My main suggestion, as noted above, is that I think these chapters need a bit more attention to orienting the reader in time, place, and especially point-of-view. These are an intriguing start to your novel, so by all means keep writing and thank you for sharing!

                                                             
*FlagB*Line-by-line remarks
*Bullet*Your text is in BLUE.
*Bullet*My comments are in GREEN.
*Bullet*If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
*Cut*"Stabber." the only words uttered by her father.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Based on what happens later, I'm guessing that this is not a reference to whatever is threatening them, but rather than an accusation directed at his daughter. I think you need to make that explicit. Perhaps his eyes accuse her before he spits out, "Stabber." That would clarify a lot, both in this chapter and in the next. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Another wave of sob rushed up at her*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Rushed up "at" her implies it's someone else's sob. "Within" her would imply it's her sob. *Exclaim*

*Cut*"I'm hungry," Haula says looking up to me. We are merely two ordinary specks in an ocean of specks. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Chapter 2 launches a new scene, in a new location. We've changed from third person to first, so presumably the point-of-view has changed as well.

In starting a new scene , it's important to orient the reader by answering at least some of the basic who, what, when, where, and why questions. The reader will infer than "ocean" is probably a metaphor, but it's much later that we learn this is all happening in a market, or perhaps a mall. However, we never really get a good sense of the setting. So one suggestion is to pay better attention to staging, i.e., helping the readers to understand where things are happening.

In addition, other than the chapter title, "Maize," the first person narrator's name is never mentioned. Specifically naming here--perhaps by putting her name in a bit of dialogue from Haula, would help to draw readers into her head and hence into the story.

I'm guessing that Maize, the first person narrator in chapter two, is the third person POV character in chapter one. Using her name in both chapters would connect them.

Also much later in this chapter we get the sense that Maize has special powers, apparently to invert the "goal" of nearby objects and people. We see this in action, but it's kind of vague at first, and doesn't quite come through. So a touch more inner thought from Maize about her "gift" would help to orient the readers. "Stabbers" appears to be vernacular name for the "gift," which is what presumably connects the first and and second chapters. However, I don't see why the gift would have this name.

*Exclaim*


*Cut*The "bright" future being, why test on animals when we can test on supernatural creatures, meaning a handful of the human population! Yay!*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This suggests the deeper,on-going nature that your characters face. I like that you hint at this here and avoid a longer, narrated explantion. This is, I think, just right. *Exclaim*

*Cut* I scan the market again to see if there's an easy target. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This is the first concrete indication of where the action is taking place. *Exclaim*

*Cut*My eyes scan to find an easy target. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: repeats earlier information... *Exclaim*

*Cut*The beating of the heart surges*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Whose heart? *Exclaim*

*Cut*than into bottomless black *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Typo. I think you mean "then." *Exclaim*

*Cut*I can't get near enough to asses the situation*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: typo: assess *Exclaim*

*Cut*but it feels distance*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: typo: distant *Exclaim*

*Cut*Every head turns towards me and I curse under my breath1 and starts running the other way.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: typo: start *Exclaim*

*Cut*Chapter 4*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: What happened to Chapter 3? We seem to skip from chapter 2 to chapter 4. *Exclaim*


                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*


Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!


Max Griffin ๐Ÿณ๏ธโ€๐ŸŒˆ
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out my {x-link:http://maxgriffin.net/LongMusings.shtml}


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
118
118
Review of Rose's Day  
Review by
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Groups  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Show Don't Tell Logo


Hi! My name is Max Griffin ๐Ÿณ๏ธโ€๐ŸŒˆ , and I'm here to review your entry in the "Show, Don't Tell Contest

Item Reviewed: "Rose's Day
Author Penelope Kein
Reviewer: Max Griffin ๐Ÿณ๏ธโ€๐ŸŒˆ

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Our contest has multiple judges, and final rankings are always the result of a group process. Remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart*

                                                             
*FlagB*What I liked best
I love stories where one thing seems to be happening when, at the end, we get a tidbit of information that turns everything up-side-down. Stories with twisty endings--Twilight Zone endings--are among my favorites. This story certainly delivered on that score.

                                                             
*FlagB*Effective showing of the information in the prompt.
(27 points out of 30)
For the most part, you did a good job showing the information, although the narrator winds up telling us some of the information such as the snow in the morning. Admittedly, that's using the characters' words and deeds, but that generally excludes the first person narrator speaking directly to the reader, telling them things.

To see what I mean, suppose you have Ruby wake in the morning and look out her bedroom window. You could then describe her snow-covered yard, perhaps with flakes still coming down. Now, you're showing the snow because it's something she sees as opposed to telling us about it.

The distinction is small but important. It's one of the things that makes first person stories harder to write than third person, because it's so tempting to just use the character to tell the readers things. That's more efficient, to be sure, but showing those things is more intimate and immediate for the readers.

                                                             
*FlagB*First Paragraph
(15 points out of 20)
The first paragraph needs to launch the fictional dream and, in so doing, orient the reader in time and space. Naming the point of view character helps to draw readers into the story.

We learn that it's morning and that it snowed in your opening. She dances around in anticipation of spending the day with her twins, which is an awesome way to show that's she's eager to do so. But it other elements of staging and orientation are missing. I assume, since she "wakes," what she's in her bedroom. Presumably she looks out the window to see the snow. But where is her husband? Gone to work already? Where are the children? (I know, that's not relevant. But where does she think the children are?) A touch more detail that would orient the reader to her situation and where the other characters are located would help a lot in launching this story.

Oh, and I'd name Ruby in the first sentence, if at all possible. Getting that chore done is another challenge in first person narration.

                                                             
*FlagB*Creativity and Originality
(15 points out of 15)
You've constructed a nice, if rather macabre, story from the prompt. In fact, this is almost exactly the story I had in mind when I wrote the prompt, so we must think alike!

                                                             
*FlagB* Effective showing--as opposed to telling--for the whole story
(14 points out of 15)
Good work here!

                                                             
*FlagB*Plot and Pacing
(8 points out of 10)
The tension built nicely, especially during and after Linda's visit.

The ending, though, I thought dragged. Once Joe reveals what's *really* happened during the day, the tension dissipates and the story is effectively over. For that reason, I'd end it as quickly as possible after the big reveal. A few short sentences to serve as a capstone, showing Ruby's emotional collapse for her prior high, would put an effective ending to the story. Readers don't need the details of the accident--they just need to know that she's suffering from her just-remembered loss.

                                                             
*FlagB*Technical Proficiency (such as grammar, spelling, proof-reading, and following the contest rules)
(9 points out of 10)
I think I found one thing to nit-pick, otherwise good job.


                                                             
*FlagB* Total Points
88 points out of 100

                                                             
*FlagB*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

I liked this story a lot. The tension built well, and Ruby's mania come through, along with her collapse at the end. Good work! Thanks for sharing!

                                                             
*FlagB*Line-by-line remarks
*Bullet*Your text is in BLUE.
*Bullet*My comments are in GREEN.
*Bullet*If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
*Cut*Linda looks at me sideways, through her bangs. โ€œOh, uh, thatโ€™sโ€ฆ thatโ€™s great, Roseโ€ she stammers. Huh, whatโ€™s up with that? I wonder if sheโ€™s feeling well. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Awesome job of showing Linda look uncomfortable, per the prompt. *Exclaim*

*Cut*I put them in their beds, and turn on the monitor so I can hear when they wake up. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: no comma needed after "beds." *Exclaim*

*Cut*Once they are asleep, I head back downstairs to make dinner. I pull out the carrots, potatoes and seasoning and start the roast. I set a timer to remind me to put the rolls in the oven, and I put the twins clothes they wore outside in the wash. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: The first sentence tells she's going to make dinner. The next two sentences show her making dinner. You don't need the first one. *Exclaim*

*Cut*As I am setting the last glass of chocolate milk down,*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: In retrospect, it seems strange that adults would have chocolate milk in the house... *Exclaim*

*Cut*I thought we were passed this!*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Typo: past. *Exclaim*

                                                             

I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Even though I'm scoring this for a contest, I'm also reviewing in part for my own edification. Thus, as is my usual policy, I have given a rating of "4" to all contest entries. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade." *Smile*


Again, these are just one person's opinions. The contest has more than one judge, so you shouldn't assign inordinate weight to any one review. Regardless, remember that only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for our contest. We hope you found it to be fun and a learning experience. Keep on writing!


Max Griffin ๐Ÿณ๏ธโ€๐ŸŒˆ
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out my {x-link:http://maxgriffin.net/LongMusings.shtml}


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
119
119
Review of On a Snow Day  
Review by
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Groups  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Show Don't Tell Logo


Hi! My name is Max Griffin ๐Ÿณ๏ธโ€๐ŸŒˆ , and I'm here to review your entry in the "Show, Don't Tell Contest

Item Reviewed: "On a Snow Day
Author THANKful Sonali LOVES DAD
Reviewer: Max Griffin ๐Ÿณ๏ธโ€๐ŸŒˆ

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Our contest has multiple judges, and final rankings are always the result of a group process. Remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart*

                                                             
*FlagB*What I liked best
I loved this charming little story about children, snowmen, and lasagna!

                                                             
*FlagB*Effective showing of the information in the prompt.
(28 points out of 30)
The charge was to show the elements via the words and deeds of your characters. You did this, although in places it almost felt like the sole purpose of the conversation was to relay a tidbit of information that wasn't otherwise integral to the action. It's a fine line between showing and telling when using dialogue to convey information.

                                                             
*FlagB*First Paragraph
(17 points out of 20)
Your opening starts with action--Ruby waking--names your POV character, and orients the readers in time and space. These are all essential parts of an effective opening, so kudos on that.

However, staging also includes positioning the characters within the opening scene. We first learn the twins are present when Joe "bye girls," and in the very next paragraph one of them speaks. Before then I'd pictured Joe and Ruby alone in their bedroom, so the appearance of the children was unexpected. It would have been a simple matter, as part of the staging, for them to be hanging on Joe, sleepy-eyed and still in their PJs--that would have helped to set the stage for what follows.

                                                             
*FlagB*Creativity and Originality
(15 points out of 15)
The prompts for this story almost beg for a tragic ending, and that's what most of the contestants delivered. You, on the other hand, used them to construct a happy and charming story. I loved it!

                                                             
*FlagB* Effective showing--as opposed to telling--for the whole story
(12 points out of 15)
Showing means revealing the information through the words and deeds of your characters. You can use the thoughts of your POV character, as well. Sometimes, even the setting can reveal information--such as whether the POV character is organized or messy.

When using the words of the characters, it's important to be in the moment. As an example, I mention below in the line-by-line comments that it felt unnatural to learn that Linda's face went "funny" by having Ruby say it. Ruby would have seen her face go "funny" earlier--that's the time to describe what happened to her face. Since you're in Ruby's POV, readers will infer she "saw" Linda's face when you describe it in the here-and-now. Since she reacts by asking about it, you confirm that she saw it--but you didn't describe it when it happened.

I'm kind of belaboring this, but I think it's important to building and maintaining a natural flow to the story. Something happens, such as Linda's face going funny. Ruby reacts. Readers see the cause-and-effect relationship, and it helps to keep them inside the here-and-now of the story.

                                                             
*FlagB*Plot and Pacing
(10 points out of 10)
Good job here. You did a good job of foreshadowing that the twins had done something special with the snowman, but there was no telling what until the final reveal. Nice work!

                                                             
*FlagB*Technical Proficiency (such as grammar, spelling, proof-reading, and following the contest rules)
(9 points out of 10)
No real errors here, just some nitpicky things like parenthetic comments, or not knowing who was speaking.

                                                             
*FlagB* Total Points
91 points out of 100

                                                             
*FlagB*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

I liked this story a lot. There were just a few little wobbles that kept it from being awesome. The plot and characters were awesome, and so the little things are pretty minor. For example, I felt some of the information repeated more than necessary, and some of the information conveyed in dialogue would have been better as a here-and-now description. Not big things, but just enough to me from being totally immersed in Ruby's head and hence in your--delightful!--fictional world.

I hope you find my comments helpful, since I really liked this story a lot and hope that my remarks will help you make it even better. Thanks for sharing such a warm and creative response to my gloomy prompt!

                                                             
*FlagB*Line-by-line remarks
*Bullet*Your text is in BLUE.
*Bullet*My comments are in GREEN.
*Bullet*If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
*Cut*"Why doesn't Daddy ever tell Mommy to be good? Why is it only us that have to be good?"*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: I assume this is one of the twins speaking, but in terms of staging they haven't yet appeared. *Exclaim*

*Cut*"Yeah, I told you that the coffee had cinnamon in it and that I'd call the girls in and your face went funny."*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Has the character reveal the expression in words. It would have been stronger to describe her face going "funny" at the time it happened a few lines earlier--as part of the flow of events. Also, "funny" isn't very precise. Do her eyes sparkle and her mouth twitch, or does her face turn white? Those convey opposite emotions, but both constitute looking "funny." *Exclaim*

*Cut*"Snow statue? Snowman, she means," Ruby thought.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Ordinarily, you'd use italics to denote an internal thought rather than quotation marks and a "thought" tag. *Exclaim*

*Cut*The girls safely fed, their nap-time story duly told (Snow White, in honour of the day) Ruby set the table and started to prepare dinner.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Here, the author intrudes to tell the reader parts of the story, summarizing the action of the nap-time reading rather than revealing it as a here-and-now action. This is a mini time reversal from the present to the fictional past where you describe what she did rather than what she's doing. Also, editors tend to deprecate parenthetic remarks in favor of the em-dash. *Exclaim*

*Cut*now you're saying we can't eat lasagna*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: this is at least the third time she's commented on this...no need to repeat it so many times *Exclaim*

                                                             

I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Even though I'm scoring this for a contest, I'm also reviewing in part for my own edification. Thus, as is my usual policy, I have given a rating of "4" to all contest entries. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade." *Smile*


Again, these are just one person's opinions. The contest has more than one judge, so you shouldn't assign inordinate weight to any one review. Regardless, remember that only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for our contest. We hope you found it to be fun and a learning experience. Keep on writing!


Max Griffin ๐Ÿณ๏ธโ€๐ŸŒˆ
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out my {x-link:http://maxgriffin.net/LongMusings.shtml}


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
120
120
Review of Imposing Memories  
Review by
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Groups  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Show Don't Tell Logo


Hi! My name is Max Griffin ๐Ÿณ๏ธโ€๐ŸŒˆ , and I'm here to review your entry in the "Show, Don't Tell Contest

Item Reviewed: "Imposing Memories
Author Schnujo is in the Falklands
Reviewer: Max Griffin ๐Ÿณ๏ธโ€๐ŸŒˆ

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Our contest has multiple judges, and final rankings are always the result of a group process. Remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart*

                                                             
*FlagB*What I liked best
I loved this little story about love and loss. I figured out early on the secret about the children's presence, but the twist at the end was unexpected although you foreshadowed it well. It was the perfect kind of twist--the "slap-your-forehead-I-should-have-seen-that-coming" twist.

                                                             
*FlagB*Effective showing of the information in the prompt.
(30 points out of 30)
I thought you did a great job with this requirement.

                                                             
*FlagB*First Paragraph
(18 points out of 20)
Your first sentence is really good. You name Ruby, she's in the middle of an action--waking up--and you provide subjective sensations to put the readers in her head. The rest of the opening orients the reader in time and place and sets the stage for the rest of the story.

My only complaint is a small POV violation in the 2nd paragraph (see the line-by-line remarks below.)


                                                             
*FlagB*Creativity and Originality
(15 points out of 15)
I found this to be a creative take on the prompt. The prompt almost begs to have the a twist about the twins not really being present, but your *reason* for them not being present was the creative part. Nice job!!!


                                                             
*FlagB* Effective showing--as opposed to telling--for the whole story
(12 points out of 15)
There were a couple of little wobbles, including one narrator intrusion, but mostly this was good. See the line-by-line remarks for more details.

                                                             
*FlagB*Plot and Pacing
(10 points out of 10)
Great work here. The tension builds nicely, especially through the little scene with Linda.

                                                             
*FlagB*Technical Proficiency (such as grammar, spelling, proof-reading, and following the contest rules)
(9 points out of 10)
A minor typo, otherwise this was great.

                                                             
*FlagB* Total Points
94 points out of 100



                                                             
*FlagB*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

One of the most effective ways to launch the fictional dream is to put the readers inside the head of your point-of-view character. Indeed, your opening does a good job of this. But in other places, the POV wobbles. There are a couple of places where we're in Linda's head, and at least one omniscient narrator intrusion. Point of view is another contest ("Invalid Item), but staying in Ruby's POV would strengthen this story. I've noted the POV wobbles in the line-by-line below.

I enjoye your story a lot. Thanks for sharing!!!

                                                             
*FlagB*Line-by-line remarks
*Bullet*Your text is in BLUE.
*Bullet*My comments are in GREEN.
*Bullet*If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
*Cut*Ruby stretches a cat-like, arms wide and back arched, then rubs her eyes.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This is an awesome opening sentence. It draws the readers right into Ruby's head and hence into the story. As an aside, note the typo; there's a spurious "a" after "stretches." *Exclaim*

*Cut*Her face changes from an annoyed crease in her brow to smile lines pointing to her crinkled eyes.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: She can't see her face, so this is a small POV violation. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Ruby laughs as she sees the older twin, Ryan, leap onto the bed and complain that he's already dressed because they never close the schools for snow.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: I understand why you're reporting what Ryan says rather than showing the exact words--although on first reading I'd flagged this.

However, phrases like "Ruby...sees..." are a subtle form of telling. It's almost always more intimate and immediate for the readers to describe directly what she sees. Since you've put the readers inside her head, they will readily infer that she "sees" what you describe. If you want to emphasize she's "seen" it, you can have her react--as you do here when she laughs. Finally, I'd invert the order: first, Ryan jumps on the bed and complains, and then Ruby laughs in reaction. You've got the cause-and-effect reversed. *Exclaim*


*Cut*Linda turns from the window and stares at Ruby's face--the lines of life creating neat pleats across the surface. "Uh, Ruby..." She stops, swallows.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: As above, we're in Ruby's head, so she can't see those lines in her face. *Exclaim*

*Cut*subconsciously facing outward as if to leave. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: hops to Linda's head... *Exclaim*

*Cut*Linda's mouth smiles, but her eyes remain steady, sunken back as if they, too, wish to retreat. "Of course."*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This is what Ruby sees, so we're back in her head. *Exclaim*

*Cut*He's older than he used to be, but these bouts have helped him keep his strength.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Here, the narrator intrudes to state a fact. *Exclaim*

                                                             

I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Even though I'm scoring this for a contest, I'm also reviewing in part for my own edification. Thus, as is my usual policy, I have given a rating of "4" to all contest entries. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade." *Smile*


Again, these are just one person's opinions. The contest has more than one judge, so you shouldn't assign inordinate weight to any one review. Regardless, remember that only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for our contest. We hope you found it to be fun and a learning experience. Keep on writing!


Max Griffin ๐Ÿณ๏ธโ€๐ŸŒˆ
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out my {x-link:http://maxgriffin.net/LongMusings.shtml}


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
121
121
Review of Pearly Gates  
Review by
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Groups  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Review Spot Review


Item Reviewed: "Pearly Gates
Author Yesmrbill
Reviewer: Max Griffin ๐Ÿณ๏ธโ€๐ŸŒˆ

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart*

                                                             
*FlagB*What I liked best
The premise for this story, a conversation between Peter and Judas Iscariot, is intriguing. I'm not aware of another story with exactly that idea.

                                                             
*FlagB*Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

That said, this is more of an allegory than a story, so I'm not sure that the usual concept of a "fictional dream" applies. Each reader will likely have a mental picture of the "Pearly Gates" of the title, so evoking your unique vision is less important, given the allegorical nature of the tale. In any case, the opening names your main characters and orients the reader in time and place, so it does a good job of accomplishes the basic functions of an opening.

                                                             
*FlagB*Plot
The basic building blocks of plot arise from the characters. They have goals. Something bad happens if they fail to achieve their goals; those are the stakes. They face obstacles in achieving their goals. Tension arises from the conflict between goals and obstacles. Authors increase tension by raising the stakes, refining the goals, or increasing the obstacles. Tension is the engine that drives your story forward.

We can guess at the goals. Judas appears to desire entrance to heaven. That makes the stakes high and his prior actions constitute the obstacles. Since he can't undo his actions, the conflict is obvious.

The problem is that Judas doesn't exactly articulate his goal. It's almost like it's a given. Instead, we've got the ironic situation that he describes about the church that Peter implies is "heretical." (I note that Peter does NOT say the church is heretical, just that he's aware of every heretical church.)

Anyway, we've got goals, stakes, and obstacles. The point of the story appears to be that Judas can't overcome the obstacles. I'm guessing that's because he's failed to confess his sins and repent, but that's probably my own cultural/religious baggage intruding on the story. Certainly, the story is silent on whether Judas has a path to heaven.

The story also implies Judas has "lived" somewhere for two millenia, and now he's free to approach Peter at the gates to heaven. Where has he been? Maybe the ability to approach heaven means he does have a path inside, although he says "never be allowed" to pass the gates.

                                                             
*FlagB*Style and Voice
First person, in Judas' head.

                                                             
*FlagB*Grammar
Good job here.

                                                             
*FlagB*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

This story presented some challenges for me. The details in this story are kind of scant, leaving it to the reader to fill in things like setting and even motivation for the characters. Generally, that's not a bad thing. However, there are many different Christian faith traditions, with wildly different ideas on sin, redemption, and forgiveness to say nothing of visions of heaven and hell. I think this story would be more satisfying with somewhat stronger markers to the motives and emotions of the characters.

In addition, the ending felt like the story just stopped instead of ending. I expected either an emotional or intellectual capstone in the final sentence. Instead, we got the puzzling conclusion where Judas thinks the members of this new church will get into heaven while he can't. Peter neither confirms nor denies this, he just ends the conversation. There is so much ambiguity that it's hard to tell what the story is really about. So, my main suggestion is to make the story a bit longer and add some suggestions about what the story means. It surely has several possible meanings, and your suggestions could point to some or all of them, but I think the ending needs to conclude the story instead of just stopping.

Thanks for sharing!! I see from your comment that it's been a while since you've written something new, so you deserve praise for breaking your silence. The premise for this story is amazing, and the writing is well-done. You clearly are an experienced author, and I hope you continue to write and share your artistic vision.

                                                             
*FlagB*Line-by-line remarks
*Bullet*Your text is in BLUE.
*Bullet*My comments are in GREEN.
*Bullet*If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
I usually find a lot of things for line-by-line comments. That wasn't the case for this story, which is an indication that it's well written. Thanks again for sharing!!!

*Cut*Iโ€™ve never heard of anybody named Judas.โ€*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Of course, there's Saint Jude, Judas Thaddeus, another of the twelve apostles. *Exclaim*


                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*


Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!


Max Griffin ๐Ÿณ๏ธโ€๐ŸŒˆ
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out my {x-link:http://maxgriffin.net/LongMusings.shtml}


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
122
122
Review of In The Stars  
Review by
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Groups  
Rated: E | (4.0)
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*Smile* Hi. Max here. Thanks for asking me to read your story. I enjoyed it and wanted to share some thoughts with you.

Item Reviewed: "In The Stars
Author MidnightWolf
Reviewer: Max Griffin ๐Ÿณ๏ธโ€๐ŸŒˆ

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart*

                                                             
*FlagB*What I liked best
I always enjoy stories with LGBT characters, so of course I liked this one. I especially liked the genuine affection the two leads showed for one another.

                                                             
*FlagB*Plot
Truthfully, I'm not quite sure what happened here.

Draken seems to have been engaged in an annual competition for magicians. The hosts expected him to exhibit technical skills of legerdemain, and instead he apparently used a ring imbued with real magic. I think.

From the use of pronouns in the first paragraph, it's also possible that there is a third, unseen and unnamed party who assisted.

In any case, it's clear from the ending that this year, in contrast to prior years, he advanced to the next round.

I have several suggestions for you, but I'll defer those to the section on characters below.

                                                             
*FlagB*Style and Voice
This story uses an omniscient narrator, in which the author stands outside the fictional events, looking in. The author knows the internal thoughts of all the characters; in fact, the author knows everything.

This narrative style dominated 19th century literature and continued well into the 20th. However, it has all but disappeared from commercial fiction today. About 30% of all contemporary fiction uses a first person narrator, while the overwhelming majority of the remainder uses third person limited.

Omniscient narration has many advantages, since it lets the author convey lots of information with minimal words. However, no one reads fiction to learn background information. People read fiction for the human connection with the characters: their sorrows and joys, triumphs and tragedies, loves and losses. Narration chills that connection, which is why it's so much stronger to reveal things through the words and deeds of your characters rather than by telling the readers stuff.

In third person limited, for each scene the author chooses one character to provide the point of view. The reader can know what that character sees, hears, smells, and otherwise senses. The reader can know what that character thinks, as well. But the reader has to infer these things about all the other characters through their words and deeds. The idea is that the author places the readers deep inside the head of one character, and then the readers encounter the fictional world through that character in a holistic manner, the same way we encounter the real world. That human connection, done well, will draw the reader into the story and thus into the fictional world.

The point of view in this story starts with Duskero, jumps briefly to Trisha, then to Draken, with a brief stop in Robert. I've marked some of these hops in POV. One of my main suggestions is to pick one character to provide the POV and stick with it. It will increase the intimacy and immediacy of the story.

                                                             
*FlagB*Characters
As I said above, I really liked the affection that Draken and Duskero have for each other. You did an excellent job showing that through their words and deeds.

It turned out that both characters also had a goal: for Draken to advance to the next round of the competition. We get a sense that the goal mattered to them, but not so much why. What good thing happens if he advances? What bad thing happens if he doesn't? Those are the stakes. Finally, Trish is obviously an obstacle to achieving the goal, as is his past history in the competition.

Goals and obstacles give rise to conflict. The conflict matters because of the stakes. Tension arises because of the conflict. Tension is the engine the propels your plot. You increase tension by refining the goals, by increasing the obstacles, or by raising the stakes. Goals, stakes and obstacles are the basic building blocks of plot.

You've got the elements in place, but they need to be better articulated and to be clear sooner. In the opening paragraph, for example, Duskero might be worried about making it to the competition, or annoyed with Dreken for over-sleeping. You might mention the importance of the competition via a dialogue exchange between the two of them. Establish goals, stakes, and obstacles up front to add tension and structure to your story.

To reiterate, the basic elements are all there. They just need to be better articulated.

                                                             
*FlagB*Grammar
*Exclaim* Adverbs.*Exclaim* You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust. *Rolleyes* I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

                                                             
*FlagB*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

The first step in engaging readers is to create interesting characters that the readers want to know more about. You've got that in Draken and Duskero. Readers will want to cheer for them. That's 90% of the battle in drawing readers into your story. The other ten percent is what most of this critique is about, so you're mostly all the way there.

Thank you for sharing. I enjoyed meeting these two guys, and I'm intrigued by the competition. I infer there is more to this story, so by all means keep writing!!!

                                                             
*FlagB*Line-by-line remarks
*Bullet*Your text is in BLUE.
*Bullet*My comments are in GREEN.
*Bullet*If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
*Cut*โ€œHun, we need to get going or we are going to be late! Are you even awake?โ€ The brunette was ready to beat their significant other as they entered the lightless master bedroom. They wasted no time in forcing the rather over sized curtains open, revealing the mostly set sun and in turn filling the room with the duskโ€™s faint light. A rather quiet groan came from the blanket-covered lump on the queen-sized bed. The brunette let out a low growl and stomped his way to the bed, rather angrily pulling the blanket off the lump, revealing his partner, half-asleep and fully-dressed. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

This opening introduces your two characters and orients the reader in time and space. Those are both good things. Since you name the characters a couple of paragraphs down, I would name them here. In particular, since Duskero more or less provides the point-of-view for the first part of the story, naming him will help to draw readers into his head and hence into your fictional world.

But, I confess I was confused by this. When you wrote "the brunette was ready to beat their significant other as they entered the room," it sounded like two people entered the room while a third slept on the bed. It's apparent later, though, that there were only two people in the room: Duskero and Draken.

It's true that "they" can be used as a gender-neutral pronoun, even substituting for the singular "he" or "she." However, Duskero is a specific person who has a gender, so this usage is particularly confusing.

So, for clarity, I would suggest naming both characters in this paragraph and--after naming them--use singular pronouns when referencing them.

Finally, "rather angrily pulling" is one of those weak verb/adverb combinations I mentioned above. "Snatched" might be a more specific verb, couple perhaps with a facial expression to convey irritation or anger.

*Exclaim*


*Cut*for the car to groan in response, wasting no time in speeding off towards the convention center.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: The word "car" appears six times in this paragraph. Be careful when repeating words and phrases, as it runs the risk of making your prose seem monotone. I'd suggest looking for alternative descriptions. *Exclaim*


*Cut*โ€œHeโ€™s late. Again.โ€ She grumbled looking between her watch and the patiently waiting, crowd filled bleachers. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: we've mostly been in Duskero's head up to here. But now, he's not present, so we can't be in his point-of-view. Are we in "hers?"--you name Trisha in the next paragraph, so I'd name her here. The pronoun "she" has no antecedent. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Robert smiled brightly as he saw the blonde*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: just by way of example, this is another weak verb/adverb combination. Perhaps he "beamed?" *Exclaim*

*Cut*Robert slowly moved the microphone away from Trisha*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: another...perhaps he "nudged" the microphone? *Exclaim*


                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*


Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!


Max Griffin ๐Ÿณ๏ธโ€๐ŸŒˆ
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out my essay   on short stories.



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
123
123
Review of Mistaken Identity  
Review by
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Show Don't Tell Logo


Hi! My name is Max Griffin ๐Ÿณ๏ธโ€๐ŸŒˆ , and I'm here to review your entry in the "Show, Don't Tell Contest

Item Reviewed: "Mistaken Identity
Author Rima...
Reviewer: Max Griffin ๐Ÿณ๏ธโ€๐ŸŒˆ

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Our contest has multiple judges, and final rankings are always the result of a group process. Remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart*

                                                             
*FlagB*What I liked best
I like mysteries and whodunits, so of course I liked this story!

                                                             
*FlagB*Effective showing of the information in the prompt.
(25 points out of 30)
Mostly you did a good job here--see the line-by-line remarks below for a couple of comments.

                                                             
*FlagB*First Paragraph
(15 points out of 20)
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

Your opening is just on the edge of being terrific, but I think it could stand some tweaking.

For starters, the "he" in the opening sentence has no antecdent. Name Roscoe there. Naming him helps to draw readers into his head.

Beware sentences where the main verb is a form of "to be:" "his head was...heavy." You tell us his thoughts are disoriented--maybe instead they "slog through his brain in shards of memory." That's still telling, but at least it's more active.

What blinding flash is still playing into his eyes? From the doctor examining him or from the accident? Clarity here is important.

How does he know he's getting morphine?

You get the idea. Minor tweaks to increase the clarity, immediacy, and intimacy of what's happening.

                                                             
*FlagB*Creativity and Originality
(15 points out of 15)
This is an unexpected and creative take on the prompt. I liked that you used "Roscoe" instead of Ruby, too.

                                                             
*FlagB* Effective showing--as opposed to telling--for the whole story
(15 points out of 15)
I liked this too, but see my comments under "plot" below.

                                                             
*FlagB*Plot and Pacing
(5 points out of 10)
I've already said I liked the plot. But...it didn't quite work. The whole idea of "trapanal" felt forced, and the accident felt forced, like a coincidence needed to make the rest of the story work.

I can imagine ways to make this plot credible. For example, he had an accident while fleeing the scene, or perhaps William slammed into his car to prevent him from escaping. There would be ways to wedge this kind of additional detail into the story.

However, the trapanal is a real problem. In the US judicial system, it would be inadmissible as evidence. I'm about 90% sure that would be true in the UK as well since much of US jurisprudence derives from our UK forebears. I don't think it's needed at all. The officers could just be there to recount the evidence against him and read him his rights.

                                                             
*FlagB*Technical Proficiency (such as grammar, spelling, proof-reading, and following the contest rules)
(8 points out of 10)
I thought I saw a number of comma errors. You can find a good, short resource here:
https://owl.purdue.edu/owl/general_writing/punctua...


                                                             
*FlagB* Total Points
83 points out of 100


                                                             
*FlagB*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

                                                             
*FlagB*Line-by-line remarks
*Bullet*Your text is in BLUE.
*Bullet*My comments are in GREEN.
*Bullet*If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
b}*Cut*The room was different, not something he had expected himself to be in. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: telling instead of showing *Exclaim*

*Cut*Getting rid of all the pipes running in and out of him, *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: I think you mean "IV lines" instead of pipes. *Exclaim*

*Cut*He had no memory of getting to this room.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Telling. You show this in the next sentence, where he searches his memory and can only recall the accident, then speaks to himself. But this sentence is telling, not showing. It's also not needed because of what follows. *Exclaim*

*Cut*He had heard it being played every Sunday morning for five years. How he hated that tune and how she loved it. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: If you followed up on this with the significance of the song being played in church, I missed it. Chekhov once said that if a rifle is over the mantel in act one, someone must fire it by act three. This violates that principle. *Exclaim*

*Cut*"You?" Roscoe's jaws fell open. His feet took him a few steps back involuntarily. "You? Kelly, what are you doing here? Where is Jessica?"*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Good job showing his reaction here. *Exclaim*

*Cut*A man in doctor's white coat was bent over him and pulling at his eyes. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: that must have hurt...unless you meant his eyelids. *Smile* *Exclaim*

                                                             

I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Even though I'm scoring this for a contest, I'm also reviewing in part for my own edification. Thus, as is my usual policy, I have given a rating of "4" to all contest entries. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade." *Smile*


Again, these are just one person's opinions. The contest has more than one judge, so you shouldn't assign inordinate weight to any one review. Regardless, remember that only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for our contest. We hope you found it to be fun and a learning experience. Keep on writing!


Max Griffin ๐Ÿณ๏ธโ€๐ŸŒˆ
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out my {x-link:http://maxgriffin.net/LongMusings.shtml}


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
124
124
Review of Marooned Song  
Review by
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Show Don't Tell Logo


Hi! My name is Max Griffin ๐Ÿณ๏ธโ€๐ŸŒˆ , and I'm here to review your entry in the "Show, Don't Tell Contest

Item Reviewed: "Marooned Song
Author EpicScore
Reviewer: Max Griffin ๐Ÿณ๏ธโ€๐ŸŒˆ

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Our contest has multiple judges, and final rankings are always the result of a group process. Remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart*

                                                             
*FlagB*What I liked best
I enjoy uplifting tales with twist, and this one certainly delivered. Thank you for sharing!

                                                             
*FlagB*Effective showing of the information in the prompt.
(28 points out of 30)
You chose to use the elements out of the order I presented them, which created a most unexpected story! Kudos for originality! I note in passing that you changed it slightly, since the room where you show her waking is not the room where she hears the piano, nor the room with the envelope--a minor deviation, but a deviation nonetheless.

You did an admirable job of showing the elements--some of which I selected and phrased to make them challenging to show.

                                                             
*FlagB*First Paragraph
(10 points out of 20)
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

In addition--and part of--to drawing the reader into the story, the opening should answer the basic "who, what, when, where, and why" questions. For example, you should name your POV character. You do this in paragraph three, but the "she" in the lead paragraph has no antecedent.


                                                             
*FlagB*Creativity and Originality
(15 points out of 15)
I liked the creative and unexpected approach you took to this!!


                                                             
*FlagB* Effective showing--as opposed to telling--for the whole story
(15 points out of 15)
This is shown through the words, deeds of the characters, and through Ruby's sensations and memories. More on the memory/flashback segments below, though.

                                                             
*FlagB*Plot and Pacing
(5 points out of 10)
I liked the plot itself, but I found the flashbacks disruptive.

Flashbacks can be an author's friend, especially in a novel. But in a first chapter or a short story, they run the risk of disrupting the flow of events in the here-and-now. Your transitions in and out of the fictional present were well conceived--not only did you mark these with italics, the flashbacks are also right-justified. Still, they have a tendency to pull the reader out of the here-and-now, and thus out of the natural sequence of events.

The fact that the bulk of the story turns out to be hallucination/dream just exacerbates this problem, in my view. Certainly, you gave ample hints that Ruby was either dead or dying by her own hand, but the ending, where we really *are* in the fictional present, is kind like saying, "and then Ruby woke up and all was well." Personally, I think it would be stronger if you ended with her still in semi-purgatory, but showing that she's decided to live and then passing, for the briefest instant, to her waking.

                                                             
*FlagB*Technical Proficiency (such as grammar, spelling, proof-reading, and following the contest rules)
(10 points out of 10)
No complaints here.


                                                             
*FlagB* Total Points
83 points out of 100



                                                             
*FlagB*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

                                                             
*FlagB*Line-by-line remarks
*Bullet*Your text is in BLUE.
*Bullet*My comments are in GREEN.
*Bullet*If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
*Cut*It was a plaintive tune, drawn from a well-known Classic*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Beware of sentences in which the primary verb is a form of "to be." Here, for example, you might have the plaintive tune "awaken" memories. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Yet despite the jarring mismatch of its overtones, Ruby found herself attracted to this peculiar play. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: "found herself attracted" is passive writing. It's better to make the performance--play?--the active agent, sucking her in. *Exclaim*

*Cut*News of Rubyโ€™s โ€˜disruptive behaviourโ€™ was reported back to her family, and Dad tackled Ruby about the matter as soon as he got home from work.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: narrating events--telling--rather than showing *Exclaim*

                                                             

I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Even though I'm scoring this for a contest, I'm also reviewing in part for my own edification. Thus, as is my usual policy, I have given a rating of "4" to all contest entries. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade." *Smile*


Again, these are just one person's opinions. The contest has more than one judge, so you shouldn't assign inordinate weight to any one review. Regardless, remember that only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for our contest. We hope you found it to be fun and a learning experience. Keep on writing!


Max Griffin ๐Ÿณ๏ธโ€๐ŸŒˆ
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
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Review of Escape!  
Review by
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*Smile* Hi. My name is Max. I'm writing as one of the official judges for the "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest.

Item Reviewed: "Escape!
Author Goblin Slayer
Reviewer: Max Griffin ๐Ÿณ๏ธโ€๐ŸŒˆ

                                                             
Please remember, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart*

Ordinarily, I avoid "grading" stories, but, as a judge, I'm required to rank order what I consider the top ten stories. For consistency in my rankings, I've used a point system based on a few basic elements of successful short stories. To repeat, though, these are just one person's opinion. Writing fiction is an art as well as a craft, and each artist is different.

                                                             
*FlagB*What I liked best
You have a fully-developed fictional world, something that is hard to do. You've also revealed relevant details of the world through the words and deeds of our characters--no info-dumps here! Good work.

                                                             
*FlagB*Opening paragraph. (17/20 points)
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening does a good job of setting the stage and mood of the story. It also has a sense of foreboding, which presages the plot. My main complaint is that we don't learn the name of your point-of-view character in the opening, or--I think--anywhere else. Knowing her name will help draw readers into her head and hence into the story.

                                                             
*FlagB*Point of view. (7/10 points)
Mostly third-person limited, but there were a couple of blips. For example, she can't see her face, so this sentence is a POV violation: "Her face turned a sickly color pale white."

                                                             
*FlagB*Effective showing as opposed to telling.(19/20 points)
While there are no info-dumps, here and there bits of the story are told rather than shown. For example, you tell us the colors of the gowns startled her rather than showing her being startled.

                                                             
*FlagB*Plot. (15/200 points)
The plot is good, starting with mystery and apprehension. I could have stood a bit more tension building up to the rescue, but overall this was nicely done.

                                                             
*FlagB*Characters. (18/20 points)
Again, I wish you had named the protagonist. We do get a good sense of her goals, and also you give us reason to cheer for her. Scarscap--what a great name, BTW!--has a lot of potential, as does the Lord, but I could have used a bit more character development for them. Why does the Orc sequester his bride and torture the other woman? We don't have a clue. IF this were a novel, that would be fine--we could trust the answer would come in later chapters. In a short story, though, I think we some stronger hints.

                                                             
*FlagB*Technical proficiency. (2/10 points)
While the basic story elements are strong, there are several technical issues. For example, at the start of the story the exposition alternates between the fictional past--she was nervous--and the fictional present--He leads her into the home. Either one is fine, but you need to pick one and stick with it. There are also several comma splices. These occur when two sentences that should be separated with a period or semicolon are joined with a comma. One example is: "He walked up to a door, with key in hand, he unlocked the door." Finally, there are some typos, like "whose" for the contraction "who's." The last could very well be an errant "autocorrect" from Microsoft, but the tense errors are more significant.

                                                             
*BalloonGo* Total points. 78/100

                                                             
That's it! Remember, good or bad, these are just one person's opinion. Writing a story--any story--is challenging creative work. I commend you for your success and urge you to continue! Thank you for sharing your creativity.

Max Griffin ๐Ÿณ๏ธโ€๐ŸŒˆ
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