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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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Item Reviewed: "Winter in Palm Springs
Author Christopher Roy Denton
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart*

                                                             
*FlagB*What I liked best
I love stories with twists at the end, and this one really delivered. You foreshadowed the ending well, so you gave me the "I should have seen that coming" feeling with the final line. Great job!

                                                             
*FlagB*Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

Your opening really does a fine job. You name your POV character, and you start with internal sensations--tensing with dread, huddling for warmth--which help to put the readers inside her head. You also establish the primary elements of the plot in the first few lines, and even begin to foreshadow the ending. Really good work here.

                                                             
*FlagB*Plot
Nice little "Twilight Zone" style plot, with a twist Hitchcock would have enjoyed. Good foreshadowing, too, without being at all obvious.

                                                             
*FlagB*Hook
I usually use this lead only for chapter prompts--the "hook" being what makes the reader turn the page to the next chapter. For this story, though, the "hook" would be what keeps the reader turning the page, namely tension.

You establish the fundamental problem of this little family, namely that they are hungry. Indeed, that's the driving force for the plot. But it's kind of lacking the urgency needed to keep the tension twisting tighter. What tension we get from the opening paragraphs dissipates a bit when Mat starts talking about Before. Certainly, the talk about Before is necessary to the story since it describes how far the world has fallen, but while we get that background the actual story stops. By the way, you did an excellent job of delivering this background through the words and deeds of the characters in a natural, integrated way: no dreaded "info-dump" here!

A second nice bit of tension appears when the alarms go off. We know about the general absence of other people, and then the alarms add danger of others. Indeed, that's even mentioned explicitly, but this tension doesn't appear until midway in the story. Since that tension is also a nice bit of misdirection with respect to the plot, it might be good if it somehow appeared earlier.

I don't see any major revision needed here--just tweaking with a phrase or two to keep the tension going during the description of Before.

                                                             
*FlagB*Style and Voice
I saw one tiny bubble in the otherwise flawless third person limited narrative. See the line-by-line remarks below.

                                                             
*FlagB*Referencing
Good job establishing this dismal, poverty-stricken world.

                                                             
*FlagB*Scene/Setting
Personally, I would have liked to know a bit more about where they lived. What's it smell like, for example? How about the outhouse? I had only the vaguest sense of the interior. On the other hand, I tend to overdo descriptions, so this might be an idiosyncrasy on my part.

                                                             
*FlagB*Grammar
Good job! I don't read for grammar, but almost always find things to complain about. Not here!

                                                             
*FlagB*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

This is a well-crafted story with an awesome twist at the end. Thanks for sharing!!!

                                                             
*FlagB*Line-by-line remarks
*Bullet*Your text is in BLUE.
*Bullet*My comments are in GREEN.
*Bullet*If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             

I've only got three pretty minor comments here.

*Cut*Mat didn't notice Jenny's silent plea or their daughter's louder complaints.*Exclaim*My Comment: Hops to Mat's head. If you wrote, "Mat didn't acknowledge Jenny's silent plea..." then you'd stay in Jenny's head. *Exclaim*

*Cut*The way he kept on rub, rub rubbing the thing with that greasy old rag irritated her.*Exclaim*My Comment: tells us she's irritated as opposed to showing it. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Beth gazed up at the rough timber joists of the basement ceiling illuminated by the flickering light from the stove as if she could see that clear sky, *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This gives you a smooth way to sneak in a description of the basement, but it's a little late. Readers will have already "seen" the interior in their heads since the characters have been moving around and speaking for a while. Even though this is a clever way to put in the description, I wish it had been earlier. *Exclaim*

                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*


Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!


Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out my {x-link:http://maxgriffin.net/LongMusings.shtml}


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
177
177
Review of The Offer  
Review by
Rated: E | (4.0)
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*Smile* Hi. My name is Max. Thank you for asking me look at your story. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

I see, too, that you are new to Writing.Com, so please let me add my welcome to the site. This is a great place to post your work and to learn and grow as an author. There is much to do here, and I hope that you find your time as rewarding and productive as I have. If you have questions, please don't hesitate to contact me.

Item Reviewed: "The Offer
Author Blake
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart*

                                                             
*FlagB*What I liked best
I enjoyed this macabre little tale of Remy, a loner who is mysteriously selected for a gala event which turns out to be...not what he expected. I liked that Starcrose and his motives remained opaque, kind of a metaphor for the world in which Remy finds himself.

                                                             
*FlagB*Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

Your opening orients your readers in space and time, introduces your point-of-view character Remy, and has him doing something--going to the mysterious event. Those elements make a pretty decent opening.

But...I've got some suggestions. The opening feels very much like the narrator is standing outside the story, looking in, telling the readers things. Instead, it would be stronger to put the readers in Remy's head from the first sentence if possible. Your descriptions of the hotel lobby are detailed and quite good, but they would be better if you have the readers see the lobby through Remy's eyes. That's actually not terribly hard. FOr example, your first sentence might be something like: "Remy stepped into the hotel, and the lavish, gold-plated interior took his breath away. He stood frozen in place while his gaze roamed over polished marble floor, the gold-emblazoned tapestries, and what seemed like dozens of bright-screened TVs flashing newscasts. He heaved a deep breath while thinking that nothing back in Holk had prepared him for this."

That's just and example--and one that uses some of your excellent description. But note that it's turned so it's Remy seeing things, and--more importantly--the readers are seeing them through Remy's eyes. The idea is that by putting the readers inside Remy's head and letting them experience things through him, the result will be more intimate and immediate for the readers.

Note, too, I snuck in his small-town upbringing, something you mention later (more on that below).

So, on balance, you have a good opening, but I think you could tweak it to make it more effective, intimate, and immediate.

                                                             
*FlagB*Plot
Ah, I loved the plot. Why is here? Why is no one else here? What does Starfcrose want? But it turns out to be as opaque and meaningless as Remy's life to date. I could see some readers feeling the story is unresolved, but I think on the contrary it's quite nicely done.

                                                             
*FlagB*Style and Voice

This chapter uses a mix of omniscient narration and third person limited point of view. In omniscient narration, the author stands outside the fictional events, looking in. The author knows the internal thoughts of all the characters; in fact, the author knows everything.

This narrative style dominated 19th century literature and continued well into the 20th. However, it has all but disappeared from commercial fiction today. About 30% of all contemporary fiction uses a first person narrator, while the overwhelming majority of the remainder uses third person limited.

Omniscient narration has many advantages, since it lets the author convey lots of information with minimal words. However, no one reads fiction to learn background information. People read fiction for the human connection with the characters: their sorrows and joys, triumphs and tragedies, loves and losses. Narration chills that connection, which is why it's so much stronger to reveal things through the words and deeds of your characters rather than by telling the readers stuff.

In third person limited, for each scene the author chooses one character to provide the point of view. The reader can know what that character sees, hears, smells, and otherwise senses. The reader can know what that character thinks, as well. But the reader has to infer these things about all the other characters through their words and deeds. The idea is that the author places the readers deep inside the head of one character, and then the readers encounter the fictional world through that character in a holistic manner, the same way we encounter the real world. That human connection, done well, will draw the reader into the story and thus into the fictional world.

A novel can--and usually does--have many point-of-view characters, but there should be only one for each scene. Short stories generally have only one POV character. This story sticks to Remy, so there is only one POV character, but there are digressions into omniscient narration where the author tells the reader stuff. I've commented in more detail above on the introduction and later below in the line-by-line remarks. Third person limited is challenging to master, but it's well worth the effort. My major suggestion for this story is to strive to convey everything as much as possible through the words and deeds of Remy.

                                                             
*FlagB*Referencing
The story is set in 1974. I'm unsure of the significance, but I saw no errors in the presentation.

                                                             
*FlagB*Scene/Setting
Nice job--see above.

                                                             
*FlagB*Characters
Hitchcock famously said that the audience cares about the characters. The plot, he continued, is there to give the characters something to care about. He was speaking of cinema, of course, but the same applies to the written word.

Characters need to want something--to have a goal. The goal has to matter. Bad things will happen if the characters fail--these are the stakes. Finally, there need to be obstacles. The conflict between goals, stakes, and obstacles produces tension and gives rise to plot. The author increases tension by adding goals, piling up obstacles, and raising the stakes. This produces drama, and leads to the ultimate resolution of the novel.

Of course, Remy wants to know why he was invited to the event. More than that, though, Remy wants to know how his life has somehow gotten off course. He's seeking answers to the driftwood that his life has become. That's what makes this plot--and story--powerful.

                                                             
*FlagB*Grammar
*Exclaim* Comma Splices.*Exclaim*
A comma splice occurs when you have two complete sentences joined by a comma where a period or semicolon should be used. I've marked one or more of these in the line-by-line comments below.

                                                             
*FlagB*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

Overall, I liked this story quite a lot--especially the plot and theme. The writing is free of any major technical errors, and the characterization is interesting. Thanks for sharing, and do keep on writing!!!

                                                             
*FlagB*Line-by-line remarks
*Bullet*Your text is in BLUE.
*Bullet*My comments are in GREEN.
*Bullet*If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
*Cut*Remy Johnson had been a relatively simple man throughout his 26 years of living,*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This launches a couple paragraphs of narrated back story which interrupts the natural flow of events and takes the readers out of the here-and-now. It's almost always stronger to reveal these things through the words and deeds of your characters--through action--rather than through narration. Action is showing; narration is telling. Showing is almost always stronger than telling. *Exclaim*

*Cut*His mind operated like a sponge, everything Remy came in contact with, he remembered.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Comma splice. You need a period or semicolon after "sponge." *Exclaim*

*Cut* But once he set out for Yale law school,*Exclaim*My Comment: You don't go directly to law school. You first earn an undergraduate degree and then apply for law school, usually at age 22 or so. On rare occasions people might get into law school at the end of their junior year in college, but this is the exception. (I'm the VP for academic affairs at my university…) *Exclaim*

*Cut*The year was now 1974 and the Remy Johnson that was introduced in the first paragraph reemerges. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: And now we're back in the here-and-now. How much of the background is essential to understanding the unfolding events? If it's not essential, I'd recommend omitting it. You need to know the background to help your imagination, but the readers not so much. *Exclaim*

*Cut*
that were granted to him by invitation.*Cut* *Exclaim*My Comment: Suggest: "that the invitation granted him..." to avoid the passive voice. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Its unfortunate, *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: missing apostrophe. *Exclaim*

                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*


Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!


Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out my essay   on short stories.



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
178
178
Review of Tom's Birthday  
Review by
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Review Spot Review


Item Reviewed: "Tom's Birthday
Author Christopher Roy Denton
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart*

                                                             
*FlagB*What I liked best
I like stories with twist endings, and this one surely delivered. The twist was well-done, too. It was nicely foreshadowed without being telegraphed--a pair of fine lines that are difficult to walk!

In some ways, this reminded me of more than one SciFi story. Of course, there's Harry Harrison's Make Room, Make Room!, butchered in cinema form as Soylent Green. But in tone, this was more reminiscent of Asimov's Pebble in the Sky. In any case, I enjoyed reading your original take on this idea, despite the rather grim dystopian nature.

                                                             
*FlagB*Plot
Excellent plotting. Tom is a likable character with a credible goal. The stakes couldn't be higher, of course, and the obstacles are an entire society. As it becomes clear what he's confronting, the tension increases, and the reader hopes for release. They get it, too, in a way.

                                                             
*FlagB*Style and Voice
Third person limited, in Tom's head. No slips. Good work.

                                                             
*FlagB*Referencing
there is some interesting world-building here, presented without a single info-dump. Congratulations! The background comes out naturally as the story evolves, whether it's "neuraling" the house and others, or the migration from a ruined earth. This is another thing that's hard to do, and you've done it well.

                                                             
*FlagB*Scene/Setting
Nice little nuanced touches here--the scents in the train, the owl hooting, the photos of Eve growing up. Good use of setting to help set mood.

                                                             
*FlagB*Characters
Tom and his loving family are well-drawn. So is Anne, with her terse officiousness. You also use her to nudge in some subtle foreshadowing.

                                                             
*FlagB*Grammar
*Exclaim* Comma Splices.*Exclaim*
Usually I find at least something to complain about, but not here. Good work.

                                                             
*FlagB*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

From the first paragraph, you've done a good job of creating your fictional world and drawing the reader into it. The focus is sharp, the tension mounts, and then at the ending, you stop at exactly the right point--no long, drawn-out explanations. Once the twist is revealed, Poe teaches us to stop as soon as possible thereafter, and you did so.

I'm afraid I have almost nothing to suggest to make this story better. Thank you for sharing!

                                                             
*FlagB*Line-by-line remarks
*Bullet*Your text is in BLUE.
*Bullet*My comments are in GREEN.
*Bullet*If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
*Cut*Tom held in his tears, refusing to weep in front of his daughter. Eve didn't need to witness his terror; she was only sixteen. At least Jimmy would still be around to take care of her. Tom glanced around their entrance hall one last time. He drank in the framed holographs recording the milestones of Eve's life, and his chest tightened. Turning to face her, he ignored the glistening droplet sliding down her ebony cheek. If he wiped it away, his own dam would burst.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This is an awesome opening paragraph. It starts in media res, names your POV character, has him sensing things--his chest tightening--and establishes the basic plot. My only minor suggestion is to clarify the relationship with Jimmy. I'm gay, and even I thought Jimmy must be Tom's brother, or maybe Eve's older brother. It would be simple enough to add "his husband" after "at least."

That said, I'm wondering why you chose to make the protagonist gay. Clearly it's not a "population control" thing, since Tom and Jimmy have a daughter. I'm surely not opposed to gay characters, and believe that having more gay characters in stories is a good thing. But I'm still uncertain why you chose to make this protagonist gay in terms of the story. There's the old saw about Chekov's rifle (if there's a rifle over the mantel in act one, someone must shoot it by act three), but that doesn't apply here. On the other hand, thinking of Tom's sexuality as "unusual" enough to be like Chekhov's rifle says something about mainstream culture…In any case, I'm still wondering… *Exclaim*
*Exclaim*


*Cut*“If you'd seen her beside her wife's sickbed, you'd understand.”*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Another same-gender pairing…perhaps everyone is gay and the colony itself was founded as a haven? *Exclaim*

*Cut*Eutopia Defense Force troopers*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: "eutopia"--the attainable perfect place, in contrast to the unattainable utopia. Nice irony. *Exclaim*

*Cut*The bag felt heavier than Tom remembered. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: So I've got to make at least one suggestion, right? Here, you're telling us what Tom --that the bag was heavy. Everywhere else, you describe directly what he sensed, which is more intimate and immediate for the readers. So here, why not follow the same example and say something like, "the bag's straps dug into his shoulders," and then have him think or mutter that it's heavier than he remembered? That's marginally better showing--but I admit it's a marginal comment indeed. *Exclaim*

                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*


Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!


Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out my {x-link:http://maxgriffin.net/LongMusings.shtml}


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
179
179
Review by
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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Hi! My name is Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈 , and I'm here to review your entry in the "Invalid Item

Item Reviewed: "The Path of Contempt
Author mista-winstrom
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart*

                                                             
*FlagB*What I liked best
I liked the striking contrast between the spare, family hearth at the opening and the grand tragedy of the ending. I have the sense this is the opening chapter of a larger work, one that promises much drama spanning centuries.

                                                             
*FlagB*Point of View
(35 points out of 40)
Mostly, this is in Richter's point of view, but there are several places where the omniscient narrator intrudes. These are marked in the line-by-line remarks below.

                                                             
*FlagB*Creativity and originality
(23 points out of 25)
It's really hard to create a fictional world in the first place, and doubly hard to do so when portraying another era that is unfamiliar to the readers. The warms of the opening paragraphs, coupled with the calamities of the later ones paint a credible and detailed picture of another world. Nice job!

                                                             
*FlagB*Effective Showing (not telling)
(10 points out of 15)
There are some really effective, evocative passages in this story. But there are other places the narrative laps into telling instead of showing. Overall, I thought you did a good job, but think it needs tweaking in a few spots. See the line-by-line comments.

*Exclaim* Adverbs.*Exclaim* You don't overuse adverbs (well, there are over 60 in this short piece), but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust. *Rolleyes* I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.


                                                             
*FlagB*Plot and Pacing
(8 points out of 10)
I thought the second half dragged a bit. You did a good job foreshadowing Richter's transformation without telegraphing what had happened, which added to the tension. But overall, I think you could cut a bit from the start.

                                                             
*FlagB*Technical Proficiency (such as grammar, spelling, proof-reading, and following the contest rules)
(9 points out of 10)
I saw a couple of minor typos/grammar points.


                                                             
*FlagB* Total Points
85 points out of 100

                                                             
*FlagB*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

Overall, I thought this was a good opening for your novel. You clearly have a detailed fictional world, and a plan for your characters. Keep writing, and thanks for sharing!!!

                                                             
*FlagB*Line-by-line remarks
*Bullet*Your text is in BLUE.
*Bullet*My comments are in GREEN.
*Bullet*If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
*Cut*Richter meticulously worked on a small rocking chair for his son, Kamen. He was barely even a year old at the time, but Richter was excited with the idea of him sitting in it one day, appreciating his hard work. His wife, Alisse, watched him affectionately in the doorway of their stone house, while gently swaying Kamen in her arms.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

One goal of an opening is to orient the readers in time and space, and your opening does that. We meet Richter, the point-of-view character, and he's busy working on the rocking chair. We know where he's at--in their house--and who is with him--his wife and son.

However, all of these things are told instead of shown. This is an omniscient narrator, standing outside the story, looking in, describing things. Instead, the idea of third person limited is put the readers inside Richter's head experiencing your fictional world through his senses.

Indeed, your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream. One of the most effective ways to draw readers into your story is to put them inside the head of your point-of-view character--in this case, Richter.

So, while the basic idea of your opening is a good one, I'd recommend tweaking it to establish point of view and put the readers squarely inside Richter's head. For example, maybe he hunches over the miniature rocking chair, his back aching and his eyes burning from the candles, sanding a tiny imperfection out of the wood. The aching back and burning eyes are internal sensations only he can feel, so that puts the readers inside his head. It contains the same information as your opening, but does so in a way that shows what he's doing and feeling as opposed to telling us what's happening.

Similarly, what about Alisse's gaze lets him infer its "affectionate." Maybe her eyes glow in the flickering light, or a smile teases her lips. Describe how she looks through his eyes so that the readers infer--along with him--that she's affectionate.

*Exclaim*


*Cut* “Looks good, don't you think?” Richter asked her rhetorically as he stood up, proudly overlooking his own craftsmanship.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: You used five adverbs in the first four sentences. We don't need the "rhetorically"--again, let the readers infer this without telling them. Show him being proud instead of telling us he's proudly overlooking his craftsmanship. Maybe he holds it up and turns it this way and that, then holds it out to her, a smile curving his lips upward. *Exclaim*

*Cut*It was 1209, Italy, and Richter was a successful carpenter, having immigrated from Germany to become an entrepreneur with a close friend of his, who came from Sicily. After he and Alisse were married, they settled in Apulia, and lived in tranquility as they began to raise a family.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Here, the story stops while the author intrudes to tell the readers stuff. This is surely important stuff, but it's telling as opposed to showing. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Then he awoke. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Readers and authors enter an implied contract. The reader agrees to suspend disbelief and to become the author's partner in imagining the fictional world. The author agrees to not trick the reader. Starting with a dream sequence violates this compact. Worse, it breaks the "fictional dream" running in the readers' heads. They've been imagining a certain reality, and now you've suddenly jerked the rug out from under them.

Further, it's not even necessary. This is a fine opening, that shows the love and affection this small family has for one another, and the hopes they have for the future. It makes the ultimate loss that Richter experiences all the more tragic. It really happened to him and it's not a dream. So it's not necessary to "fool" the readers in this way.

Instead, do the double-line break as you've done, to indicate passage of time. You do a good job in the next paragraph of setting the scene, establishing that Richer is in a new location and that he's just woken up. All you need is to add a snipped of dialogue where Ulfric asks, "Were you dreaming again about your family?" And Richter responds with something like, "Why can't I remember what happened to them? We had such hopes and dreams."

Now readers might--or might not--think the opening was a dream, but they understand the changed circumstances for Richter. Doing it this way provides a more natural and less abrupt transition and runs less risk of breaking the all-important fictional dream running the readers' heads. *Exclaim*


*Cut*When he opened his eyes he was blinded by a nearby light.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Passive voice, which almost always puts your readers in a passive receptive mood. Instead, you want them to be your active partners in imagining your fictional world. For this reason, active verb forms are generally better. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Germany had invaded from the north, under the rule of both King and Holy Roman Emperor, Otto Von Braunschweig, in a campaign to eliminate the rivalry of his crown, Frederick II, King of Sicily. Richter had been driven from his home, and had since traveled with his companion, Ulfric, who had rescued him when Apulia was conquered.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Another author intrusion, where the author tells the reader things. *Exclaim*

*Cut*They ventured out of the forest and onto hills and pastures,*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This is where the story re-starts. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Richter was unprepared for what was about to happen next. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: The omniscient narrator appears, with foreknowledge of what is about to happen. *Exclaim*

*Cut*He spoke softly in a sober tone,*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: "spoke softly" is one of the weak verb/adverb combinations I mentioned. Perhaps he "murmured" instead? *Exclaim*

*Cut*He saw there had been a large festering wound on his abdomen. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: The antecedent for "he" is Ulfric, so we've hopped to his head from Richter's. Similarly, the antecedent for "his" would be Ulfric, but I think you clearly mean the wounded man here, so, for clarity, that's what you should say. *Exclaim*

*Cut* Richter's uneasiness escalated to anxiety as he smelled the strong stench of blood. He was unable to smell anything else it had been so intense. His body quivered as an unfamiliar sensation came over him, one of desire and hunger. The rhythmic sound of a heartbeat pounded loudly in his ears, which seemed to beckon him.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: The last sentence in this paragraph is excellent: the heartbeat "pounds in his ears" and "beckons" him. Contrast that with the first sentence, where "he smelled" the stench of blood. In the first sentence, you're telling the reader what he smelled. In the last sentence, you don't say, "he heard" or "he felt" his heart beat: you described the sensation directly and made it an active part of what's happening. That's almost always more intimate and immediate for readers. Phrases like "he smelled" or "he heard" are a subtle form of telling. *Exclaim*

*Cut* 'I am the breadth of life.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: typo: bread of life... *Exclaim*

*Cut*He felt Ulfric's stare, *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: "He felt" is like "he heard" above... *Exclaim*

                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Even though I'm scoring this for a contest, I'm also reviewing in part for my own edification. Thus, as is my usual policy, I have given a rating of "4" to all contest entries. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*


Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for our contest. We hope you found it to be fun and a learning experience. Keep on writing!


Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out my {x-link:http://maxgriffin.net/LongMusings.shtml}


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
180
180
Review of Valdyrin  
Review by
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
** Image ID #1992612 Unavailable **


Hi! My name is Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈 , and I'm here to review your entry in the "Invalid Item

Item Reviewed: "Valdyrin
Author CelticCoo22
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart*

                                                             
*FlagB*What I liked best
I'm a big SF fan, and this little story has a nice twist at the end, which is also a big plus for me. Thanks for sharing!

                                                             
*FlagB*Point of View
(37 points out of 40)
From the start, you kept Ryden as your point-of-view character, with no head-hops or other diversions. However, as I've noted in the line-by-line remarks below, in several places it felt more like third person omniscient than third person limited.

                                                             
*FlagB*Creativity and originality
(20 points out of 25)
The premise is solid, and you get points for the twist at the end--although I'd guessed the main twist fairly early in the story. On the other hand, that's indicative your effective foreshadowing and care to misdirect rather than mislead the author. It's tough writing a twist ending where the readers slaps their forehead and says, "I should have seen that coming," but you've done it!

                                                             
*FlagB*Effective Showing (not telling)
(10 points out of 15)
See the line-by-line remarks. Mostly this is effective showing, with strong verbs and good descriptions, but there were some minor bobbles where the narrative fell into telling.

                                                             
*FlagB*Plot and Pacing
(7 points out of 10)
Ryden is a prisoner. She wants to escape. She's chained, in a cell, and her captors are eight-foot, scaled, aliens with space ships. She might be killed if she doesn't escape. That means she's got a goal, she has obstacles, and the stakes are high. These are all the makings of a strong plot.

A tweak I'd suggest is to make her goals stronger and more prominent at the opening. Maybe in the very start, she's tugging on the chains and they bite into her wrists. She might mutter she's got to get out of here before they kill her. That establishes her goals and stakes right away, and shows at least one of her obstacles. Doing something like that in the first sentence poses a problem that the story needs to resolve. It adds tension to the later developments in the story. As it stands, escape is almost an afterthought--it should be prominent and pervasive, since the twist turns on the notion of escape.

                                                             
*FlagB*Technical Proficiency (such as grammar, spelling, proof-reading, and following the contest rules)
(9 points out of 10)
I found one or two minor grammatical issues, otherwise this is well written.

                                                             
*FlagB* Total Points
83 points out of 100

                                                             
*FlagB*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

                                                             
*FlagB*Line-by-line remarks
*Bullet*Your text is in BLUE.
*Bullet*My comments are in GREEN.
*Bullet*If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
*Cut*“Fifty marks today, Shaan. It’s been fifty,” Ryden’s voice sunk even as it echoed slightly through the cold room.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

One of the best ways to put the readers inside your fictional world is to first them inside the head of your point-of-view character. Here, you start with Ryden speaking, essentially a disembodied voice. It's not immediately clear who is hearing her speak, so this puts the reader outside the story looking in--essentially, it launches the story with a third person omniscient narrator.

Eventually, it becomes clear that Ryden provides the point of view, but that's not immediately clear from your first few sentences. Now, if you started with Ryden doing, or sensing, or feeling, then you have put the reader in her head. This provides the most fundamental orientation for the reader--whose eyes are seeing and whose ears are hearing what is happening. In my suggestion above regarding the chains, for example, I said they could be "clench" her wrists, and maybe pain even shoots up her arms. These subjective sensations put the readers in her head as well as establish the fundamental fact that she's chained.

For another example, if you started with Ryden shivering from the dank air, or with her clenching her teeth to squelch the hunger that gnaws at her belly, you've given the reader subjective sensations that only Ryden can feel. That puts the readers in her head at once, and then they will infer that whatever follows is something she's heard, or felt, or otherwise sensed.

Openings also need to answer some of the basic who, what, when, where, and why questions, orienting the reader to the basics of your fictional world. Eventually we learn she's a prisoner in a cell. We learn, too, that she's in a ship, although whether it's of the space-going or sea-going isn't completely clear. Another first sentence, for example, might be having her draw a deep breath of the "stale, recycled air of the Valdyrin craft," or the "fetid odors of spoiled fish and salt air." Note that this approach would combine putting the readers inside Ryden's head and orienting the readers as to location.
*Exclaim*


*Cut*Ryden gulped and her voice came with reluctance. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: "Ryden gulped" is a nice way to keep readers inside her head. But the description of her voice feels like an omniscient narrator, standing outside the story, listening in and describing events. A simple tweak like having her frown at the reluctance that crept into her voice puts the description back in her head. *Exclaim*

*Cut*As the natural light that filtered through the small, clouded window*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This phrase makes me think this must be a sea-going ship, although why a prison is on such a ship is unclear. *Exclaim*

*Cut*she heard a much smaller voice buzzing in her ear.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: "She heard" is a subtle form of telling us what she heard. It's almost always more immediate and intimate for your readers to describe directly what she heard. At this point, you've pretty much established that we are in her point of view, so readers will infer that she "heard" any sound you report. Indeed, that little step of inference helps to draw them into her head and hence into the story. If you want to emphasize she "heard" it, you can have her react in some way, which you do in the next sentence. *Exclaim*

*Cut*even if her fellow captive were no help.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Should be "was no help." The subject--captive--is singular, so the verb should be singular, too. *Exclaim*

*Cut*she heard a door opening just beyond her cell. It was mealtime.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: "She heard"--see comments above... *Exclaim*

*Cut*one which was far too large and heavy for any human to hope to turn.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: telling as opposed to showing. She doubtless knows this because she's tried, so why not show her trying again? Showing is stronger than telling. *Exclaim*

*Cut*carefully maneuvering the chains about her arms to avoid dropping them in the food.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: I believe this is the first mention of her being chained...This is important information to the plot, so it would be better to have their cold links clenching her wrists earlier in the narrative, so that the readers have a complete mental picture. At this point, they probably have a picture of her without the chains, so having to insert them now interrupts the dream running in their heads. *Exclaim*

                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Even though I'm scoring this for a contest, I'm also reviewing in part for my own edification. Thus, as is my usual policy, I have given a rating of "4" to all contest entries. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*


Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for our contest. We hope you found it to be fun and a learning experience. Keep on writing!


Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out my {x-link:http://maxgriffin.net/LongMusings.shtml}


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
181
181
Review by
Rated: E | (4.0)
Review Spot Review


Item Reviewed: ""Isn't It Pretty to Think So?"
Author Girlinwhite
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart*

                                                             
*FlagB*What I liked best
I liked this touching story of love found and lost. Poor Sandy, so filled with loss and longing, sits in the gentle rains remembering...

                                                             
*FlagB*Plot
The plot of the story revolves around the missing Troy--what happened to him? It's pretty clear that she's in a cemetery at his tombstone from the opening paragraph, but how she wound up there is what drives the tension and the plot.

                                                             
*FlagB*Style and Voice
Third person limited--no slips. Good job!

                                                             
*FlagB*Scene/Setting
You did a good job of using the senses--although I don't recall any scents in the initial setting. It might help to mention the scent of flowers, or even the rain at the cemetery. I thought there was a mention of Troy's cologne, but when I went back I couldn't find it. Smell is a visceral sense that can add depth and intimacy to a scene.

                                                             
*FlagB*Grammar
Good job--I didn't find anything to flag!

                                                             
*FlagB*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

I made some suggestions about the opening to help deepen the reader's connection with Sandy. I've also got some reservations about putting the main action of the story in a narrated flashback. However, I do think this is an effective story, and the symmetry of starting and ending in the same location is effective in terms of "closing the circle" and solving the mystery of the missing Troy.

Thanks for sharing this poignant tale of lost love. Do keep on writing!!!

                                                             
*FlagB*Line-by-line remarks
*Bullet*Your text is in BLUE.
*Bullet*My comments are in GREEN.
*Bullet*If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
*Cut*"Isn't it pretty to think so?" Sandy said in a loud whisper, as if Troy himself would somehow answer. She slid her soft fingers over the coarse stone where his name was etched. She came here often. Usually, there were other people nearby or at least off in the distance. Today, realizing there was no one else in sight, a sweet smile sprinkled across her freckled face. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

On the positive side, you name your POV character, you orient the readers in space, and you establish the basic conundrum of the story--the absent Troy. However, I've got a minor suggestion.

One of the best and most reliable ways to draw readers into your story is to first draw them into the head of your POV character. It helps to have your character sensing, doing, or thinking. Sensing is especially effective, since it's both intimate and immediate for readers.

Starting with a disembodied voice speaking is generally not a good idea, since it puts readers outside the story, looking in.

A simple tweak to this opening paragraph would be to start with the sentence where Sandy slides her fingers over the coarse stone and traces out the name etched there. The stone is "coarse," and perhaps it's hot as well, from the sunlight beating on it. (Or maybe it's cool, from the rain?). Load this up with sensations and readers will be in Sandy's head. When she speaks, they will hear her from inside her head rather than standing outside looking in.
*Exclaim*


*Cut*As she reflected more on that notion, she felt a deep pang in her heart. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Phrases like "she felt" are a subtle form of telling. You've established that we are in Sandy's POV. It's almost always more immediate and intimate for readers to describe directly what she feels. Since you're in her head, they will infer she felt it. Indeed, that little step of inference helps to draw them deeper into her POV. If you want to emphasize she "felt" it, you can have her react in some way. *Exclaim*

*Cut*She remembered the day she had met Troy.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This launches a flashback where most of the action occurs.

Flashbacks can be author's friend, but they are tricky to do, especially I a short story. They interrupt the natural flow of events and tend to pull the readers out of the here-and-now. Note that the next five paragraphs, which describe their evolving relationship, is all told in narrative form rather than shown. It's not until Troy speaks about marriage that we firmly enter the past.

I know you are using the here-and-now events to frame the past events. But in doing this, you've fallen into telling the most poignant parts of the story, as opposed to showing it.

For the above reasons, most editors will advise against putting a flashback in a short story. It's not that it's never done, but it is risky and hard to do without breaking the fictional dream. The transitions into the past and back to the present need to be clear, so that you show the past as it occurs rather than telling it. *Exclaim*


*Cut*He had smiled and she felt herself blush as she thanked him. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Instead of "she felt herself blush," if you write "her face heated" it shows the sensation rather than telling about it. *Exclaim*

*Cut*She felt a gentle rain trickling down as she opened her eyes. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Note the "she felt..." *Exclaim*


                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*


Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!


Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out my {x-link:http://maxgriffin.net/LongMusings.shtml}


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
182
182
Review of I Can Hear You  
Review by
Rated: E | (4.0)
Review Spot Review


Item Reviewed: "I Can Hear You
Author Girlinwhite
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart*

I see that you only recently joined Writing.Com, so let me be among the first to welcome you to the site. This is a great place to make new friends, both personal and professional, and to grow and learn as an author. I hope you find your time here as productive and valuable as I've found mine.

I'd also like to congratulate you on posting your first stories. Writing--and finishing!--a story is no small creative feat.

                                                             
*FlagB*What I liked best
The plot for this story was clear. The tension built nicely, and the happy resolution was satisfying. Plot is one of the hardest things to fit effectively in a short story, and you did a great job with this one.

                                                             
*FlagB*Plot
Hitchcock famously said that the audience cares about the characters. The plot, he continued, is there to give the characters something to care about. He was speaking of cinema, of course, but the same applies to the written word.

Characters need to want something--to have a goal. The goal has to matter. Bad things will happen if the characters fail--these are the stakes. Finally, there need to be obstacles. The conflict between goals, stakes, and obstacles produces tension and gives rise to plot. The author increases tension by adding goals, piling up obstacles, and raising the stakes. This produces drama, and leads to the ultimate resolution of the story.

Your plot hits on all the cylinders. The narrator's goal is clear. The stakes couldn't be higher. Same with the obstacles. All of this combines to make her triumph all the more satisfying.

Awesome work here.

                                                             
*FlagB*Style and Voice
While this is largely first person, there are some places where it seems to slip into omniscient narration. The narrator seems to know things she couldn't, for example, or to be too calm and distanced from events. I've made some more specific comments in the line-by-line remarks below.

                                                             
*FlagB*Scene/Setting
With a bed-ridden and sensory-impaired narrator, scene setting is a challenge. You do insert the sense of smell with the nurse's perfume, and mention the sister's "too-loud" voice, but I wonder if a few other details might help. For example, maybe there's a heart monitor beeping away, for the soft susurration of the nurse's feet against the floor. Maybe there's the half-heard murmur of conversation in the hallway, or the lumpy pillow under her neck. Of course, hospitals smell like hospitals, a faint antiseptic odor. I wouldn't overdo the sensory touches--I've already given you too many for a story this short--but I'd consider adding a couple, especially at the beginning to incite the readers' imaginations.

                                                             
*FlagB*Grammar
I didn't see any grammar errors--good work! I almost always find a comma splice or errant apostrophe.

                                                             
*FlagB*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

Most of my suggestions for this story involve more showing and less telling. I know that this isn't useful advice without specific examples and suggestions, so I've tried to give you several of those in the line-by-line remarks below I hope these help.

I really did enjoy this story. The plot is a strong one, and the character's resolve and success heartening. Thank you for sharing!!


                                                             
*FlagB*Line-by-line remarks
*Bullet*Your text is in BLUE.
*Bullet*My comments are in GREEN.
*Bullet*If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
*Cut*What is happening here? I cannot seem to move though I want to. I can't even open my mouth to speak.
And yet, I hear my family and friends talking to me and to each other. I can hear the doctors and nurses too. They don't know I am alive inside here and just trapped. It seems as if I can only listen for a few moments before this deep sleep envelopes me again, taking me back to the solemn darkness.*Cut*
*Exclaim*My Comment: Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

This opening accomplishes the basic tasks of orienting the reader in space, establishing point-of-view, and setting up the basic conflict of the story--all good and necessary things.

But I think it could be tweaked in a number ways. For example, when you write "I can hear..." you are telling the readers what she hears. It's almost always more immediate and intimate for your readers if you describe directly what she's hearing. If you want to emphasize she's heard it, you could have her react in some way. That reaction also helps to establish point-of-view.

Similarly, you tell the readers the voices "don't know" she's alive. That's a conclusion she's reached, presumably based on what the voices are saying. The problem is that she's telling us rather than showing us. It would be stronger to show that actual words the voices speak and let readers infer they don't know she's "there." She could react to that realization, rather than the matter-of-fact statement that they don't know. How does she feel about this? Surely she's terrified, but that doesn't come through.

Finally, I would think one of the first things she'd notice would be that she can't open her eyes, so it's dark. Show her trying to speak and move and failing, and give her emotional reaction, rather than just telling us about it. She's also fading in and out, but--based on my own experiences--I don't necessarily think she'd be aware of the passage of time. Instead, she'd probably be puzzled about where the previous voices went and the new ones came from.

I recently had emergency surgery, and remember waking in the recovery room. In retrospect, I'm sure I was coming "in and out," as with your narrator. But I remember being puzzled by things. For example, they'd put pressure bandages on my lower legs as a preventative against blood clots, but they felt like blood pressure cuffs, so I wanted to ask why they were taking my blood pressure using my ankles? Of course, I couldn't speak, which was frustrating, but I also couldn't keep the thread going, and some other distraction would take me away from my ankles. So, I'd expect she'd have a lot of confusion and be less coherent.

Anyway, my main suggestion here--and the rest of the story--is to focus on showing rather than telling.

Finally, if there is a way to have one of the voices use her name, that would be helpful. If readers know her name, it's easier for them to imagine being her, being in her head.
*Exclaim*


*Cut*A slim ray of light peering in the window wakes me again. I can't open my eyes but I can see the shades*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: If she can't open her eyes, she can neither see the window nor the shades. She can only infer they exist. *Exclaim*

*Cut*I hear a young voice say good morning to me. I can smell her freshness in the perfume she is wearing, and the clean smell of her presence.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: I know I'm repeating myself, but here you should put the actual words in the nurse's mouth. Have her say, "Good morning, Anna." Have Anna--or whatever her name is--inhale the sweet scent of jasmine and honeysuckle, and think what a lovely perfume that is. Be in the moment with specific sensations and actions. *Exclaim*

*Cut*My sister's loud voice breaks the silence now and I hear her asking how I am doing today.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Again, put the words in her sister's mouth. Give her voice life. Maybe it's a brassy contralto, or maybe it's shrill. "Loud" doesn't have much context, so finding more specific adjectives is better. *Exclaim*

                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*


Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!


Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out my {x-link:http://maxgriffin.net/LongMusings.shtml}


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
183
183
Review of Left Behind  
Review by
Rated: E | (4.0)
Review Spot Review


Item Reviewed: "Left Behind
Author Matt
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart*

                                                             
*FlagB*What I liked best
I love the idea of using a dog for the point of view in this story! Dean Koontz did this in Dragon Tears, and it was awesome. I even tried it in my most recent release, The Hounds of Hollenbeck. Putting the reader inside the head of another creature is a fabulous idea for a story.

                                                             
*FlagB*Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

Your opening names your POV character and has him doing things, all of which are good. It wasn't until the second paragraph, though, that we learn Harry is a dog, and then only indirectly through the reference to 'his pack.' I think it would be stronger to establish that in the very first sentence if possible--perhaps his tail droops as the door slams shut, for example?

Your opening foreshadows the plot too--you establish that in the third, stand-alone paragraph.

                                                             
*FlagB*Plot
You've done an awesome job with the plot. Poor Harry! He just wants to be a good dog, but his master is missing. He's worried about it, does some dysfunctional doggie things that make him ashamed, but he's also determined to find his "pack." So, Harry has a goal, and the goal matters. Those are the stakes. The mystery of the missing pack is the obstacle. The longer they are gone, the higher the stakes. The incident with the pit bull further establishes the stakes, and cranks the tension higher. The resolution at the end is both sad for Harry's fate and triumphant, in a way, for his resolution to stay with his pack.

As an aside, if you wanted a happy ending, you could have one of the people in "dark clothes"--police, right?--notice his collar and tag. It would be nice if someone made the connection between Harry and the people in Car.

                                                             
*FlagB*Style and Voice
Being in Harry's head is tricky. Dogs sense the world differently from us. In particular, a dog's world is one of smells. Interesting smells, as Koontz continuously reminds us in Dragon Tears. Dogs use visual cues, too, but scent surely dominates.

I caught some of that difference in this story, but not as pervasively as Koontz managed to do it. Indeed, I'd commend his novel to you as an example of the doggie point of view.

                                                             
*FlagB*Referencing
Of course, Harry's interpretations of his life with his 'pack,' and the 'alpha' were both amusing and helped to bring the story to life. I loved all those little references.

                                                             
*FlagB*Characters
I was there, cheering for Harry, from the instant his pack didn't come back. He was so eager to see them, and so worried when they didn't appear. Then he panicked, but was ashamed of what he did. Harry's a great character.

                                                             
*FlagB*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

You abandoned dialogue in this story for obvious reason. Except, of course, Harry still barks, so it's not like he doesn't have a voice. Overall, I think you did a great job here, although there are several places where you to tell the readers what's happening as opposed to showing. As one example, you say he "ashamedly" did something. How would someone looking on infer that Harry was ashamed? Maybe he tried to cover up what he did? Dogs' tails are very expressive, so maybe it drooped between his legs? Show how he's feeling as opposed to telling us how he felt.

Overall, though, I really liked this story. I wanted--and still want!--for Harry to have a happy ending. Alas, I'm not sure that's in store for him.

                                                             
*FlagB*Line-by-line remarks
*Bullet*Your text is in BLUE.
*Bullet*My comments are in GREEN.
*Bullet*If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
*Cut*After some time, for it was slow progress (he stopped regularly to sniff for clues), *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Most editors deprecate parenthetic comments for the em-dash. Note, however, in this case it would be stronger to show him sniffing than telling the readers he stopped to sniff. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Had the whole pack have been here, *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Something wrong with this clause... *Exclaim*

*Cut*He could see the red, hungry eyes and the sharp, glass-like teeth. The barrel chest. The lithe, powerful muscles.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Phrases like "he could see" are a subtle form of telling. It's almost always more immediate and intimate for the readers if you describe directly what he saw. Since we're in Harry's head, the readers will infer that he "saw" those things. Indeed, that little step of inference is one way of solidifying the point of view. If you want to emphasize he saw them, you could have him react in some way. Maybe the fur on his spine prickles, or he whimpers, for example. *Exclaim*

*Cut*He dared to open the other eye. Still nothing.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: I know you know what happened here, but I haven't got a clue. *Exclaim*

*Cut*The vibrant reds of Billy.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: dogs can't see reds and greens. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-237... *Exclaim*

*Cut*The fur on his head was matted and red, *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: See above. A dog would certainly smell the scent of blood, but would likely see the red tint as brown. *Exclaim*

                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*


Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!


Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out my {x-link:http://maxgriffin.net/LongMusings.shtml}


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
184
184
Review by
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Review Spot Review


Item Reviewed: "Cambria: Succession
Author Hetzer
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart*

                                                             
*FlagB*What I liked best
I think I've read four or five chapters from this novel so far. They've all shown different bits of the overall story, which seems to be complex and multi-layered. I confess, I don't have a sense of how it all fits together yet--which isn't a bad thing at all. It just points to the intricate details of your fictional world.

                                                             
*FlagB*Plot
In this chapter, the plot seems to center on royal succession, with conflict arising between Dravis and his brother Klein. We've got the outlines of a strong plot. There's an inciting incident--the death of the current king and father of Dravis. Dravis has a goal: at this point, it's to keep his evil and facile brother Klein off the throne. Obviously, the smarmy Klein is the obstacle. The goal matters, in no small part because of the ongoing war. So, we got a goal, an obstacle, and stakes.

                                                             
*FlagB*Hook
This is what keeps the pages turning. The crows serve as a kind of metaphor for foreboding, but otherwise aren't the strongest of hooks. This blog
http://thebookdoctorbd.blogspot.com/2011/09/using-...
has an excellent, short discussion of the various kinds of hooks that you might use to end a chapter.

                                                             
*FlagB*Style and Voice
Third person limited. No slips. Nice job!

                                                             
*FlagB*Referencing
Sufficient details about the fictional world to understand events unfolding in the here and now, but avoiding the dreaded info-dump. Good job here, too.

                                                             
*FlagB*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

Overall, I think think this is a good opening chapter. However, I think some structural improvements are possible. For example, Klein doesn't appear until midway through the chapter, even though he's apparently present from the outset. There could be some tension between him and the rest of family earlier, to help tighten the ending and foreshadow where this is headed. In addition, the ill health of Lord Blacke and the possible consequences of his death might be weighing more heavily on Dravis' mind early on.

However, as I said, I think this is overall a strong chapter. You have laid the foundations of a captivating plot, and Dravis is an engaging character; readers will want to cheer for his success and hope for Klein's failure. Thanks for sharing, and by all means keep writing!

                                                             
*FlagB*Line-by-line remarks
*Bullet*Your text is in BLUE.
*Bullet*My comments are in GREEN.
*Bullet*If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
Dravis--32


*Cut*Dravis looked over the people situated around the thick mahogany dinner table. He wanted nothing more than to be gone from this entire situation and doing something productive with his time.
“And how goes our war on the high seas, ser Carver?” His mother asked, a cutting smile across her face. Dravis had always thought ser Carver a dangerous man—the sort of soldier who actually enjoyed fighting wars. *Cut*
*Exclaim*My Comment: Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

This opening is pretty good. It starts in the middle of action, you name your POV character, Dravis, and you have him doing something. You establish we're in his head by having him want nothing more than to be gone and do something more productive.

All to the good.

However, this could also be an omniscient narrator telling the reader things. Thus, if you could insert Dravis sensing something, you'd put the readers more firmly inside his head and establish his POV. For example, he might squirm or fidget on the hard chairs while looking over the people. The "hard" chair has him sensing something, and the squirm is in response. *Exclaim*


*Cut*Dravis dug from his bowl of soup and let the salty, burning, broth flow down his throat. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This firmly puts us in Dravis' head, since we know he's tasting the salty burning broth... *Exclaim*

*Cut*Edmonton had fallen ill with Bedrot two months earlier. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This little time reversal interrupts the flow of the story by breaking the timeline and because it's narrated, as opposed to shown. It would be stronger if the essential information here were conveyed in dialogue between the characters--being careful that they don't sit around and tell each other things they already know. *Exclaim*

                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*


Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!


Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out my {x-link:http://maxgriffin.net/LongMusings.shtml}


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
185
185
Review by
Rated: E | (4.0)
Review Spot Review


Item Reviewed: "Dr. Garcia's Cancer Cure
Author jedrai
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart*

                                                             
*FlagB*What I liked best
While I'm not a health professional, I am the executive VP for a campus that includes a medical school. I really appreciated the verisimilitude you brought to the tensions between researchers and practicing clinicians, as well as the internal politics of academic medicine. Your background as a physician shows in the reality you portray of the lives and attitudes of Garcia and Shelley.

At the same time, I sense an awesome plot here from your teaser. Personalized treatments for cancer and other ailments are certainly cutting edge, and one of the promises of genetic research. As with most things, this can have both positive and negative consequences, and I suspect this novel will touch on these. Thus, this is both realistic in its approach and timely in its plot, which makes it a potential best-seller.

                                                             
*FlagB*Style and Voice
This chapter uses an omniscient narrator, in which the author stands outside the fictional events, looking in. The author knows the internal thoughts of all the characters; in fact, the author knows everything.

This narrative style dominated 19th century literature and continued well into the 20th. However, it has all but disappeared from commercial fiction today. About 30% of all contemporary fiction uses a first person narrator, while the overwhelming majority of the remainder uses third person limited.

Omniscient narration has many advantages, since it lets the author convey lots of information with minimal words. However, the goal of fiction is not to convey information. The first goal is to engage the reader's interest so they keep turning the pages. I'll comment more on this in a moment.

In third person limited, for each scene the author chooses one character to provide the point of view. The reader can know what that character sees, hears, smells, and otherwise senses. The reader can know what that character thinks, as well. But the reader has to infer these things about all the other characters through their words and deeds. The idea is that the author places the readers into the head of one character, and then the readers encounter the fictional world through that character in a holistic manner, the same way we encounter the real world. That's supposed to help draw the reader into the story and thus into the fictional world.

I know I said this chapter used an omniscient narrator, and I've marked some places in the line-by-line comments to help you see this. But in terms of point of view, it actually uses multiple third person limited. We are mostly in Garcia's point of view for the first half or so, then we hop between him and Shelley through much of the rest, with a brief sojourn into the Italian waiter near the end.

A novel can--and usually does--have many point-of-view characters, but there should be only one for each scene. So, for example, you might shift to Shelly's point of view when the scene changes to the restaurant. You could show the Italian waiter's interest in Garcia by revealing it through the words and deeds of the characters rather than telling us about it in narrative form. That takes more words of course, so you'd have to decide if it was useful. Does it advance plot or character? If no, then probably not.

                                                             
*FlagB*Plot
This plot has enormous potential. But there is little in the opening chapter to reveal the plot.

Hitchcock famously said that the audience cares about the characters. The plot, he continued, is there to give the characters something to care about. He was talking about cinema, of course, but the same is true for fiction.

Characters have goals. They also face obstacles in achieving those goals. The goals matter--those are the stakes. It's the tension between goals, obstacles, and stakes that gives rise to both tension and, ultimately, plot. By increasing obstacles and stakes, you increase tension.

In this chapter, you introduce three characters. At the start, we meet Neena, whose goals, obstacles, and stakes are clear. But then she vanishes after a paragraph or so.

Enter Garcia. Other than having a secret, his goals are less clear. The stakes and obstacles are likewise rather vague. What's his secret? Why is is important--what goes wrong if his secret is revealed? The obstacles appear to be the rather lax security on the computer. If it contains personal health information of patients, it would of course be subject to HIPPA and quite secure.

Shelly also has clear goals, although they are less immediate. There is little in the way of tension, since her goals appear to few if any obstacles: she's on track to her vision of success.

What I sense is missing from this opening chapter is tension. It's got lots of information in it, and the characters are engaging enough, but I'm not sure readers will turn the page to chapter two.

                                                             
*FlagB*Hook
The hook is what keeps the reader turning pages. This blog has a good description of hooks:
http://thebookdoctorbd.blogspot.com/2011/09/using-...

                                                             
*FlagB*Characters
I liked the detail about the characters and their history. However, most of it was narrated--told--rather than revealed through the words and deeds of the characters. It's generally stronger to show rather than tell.

                                                             
*FlagB*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

As I said above, I think this story has enormous potential. Your characters are three-dimensional and your knowledge of academic medicine and research is a perfect match for a timely and cutting-edge plot. This is the kind of thing that agents and major publishing houses love. You should absolutely pursue this. As you'll see below, I've made quite a few technical comments about craft. These are easy to fix, although writing consistently using third person limited, showing instead of telling, is a skill that takes some effort to master. This novel deserves the effort. The potential payoff is huge.

Thanks for sharing, and do keep writing!!!

                                                             
*FlagB*Line-by-line remarks
*Bullet*Your text is in BLUE.
*Bullet*My comments are in GREEN.
*Bullet*If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
*Cut*Winter, New York, New York: The cancer was back, she had six months to live. In her 24th story flat, overlooking Central Park, Neena stared at pristine snow draping the trees. Under them, pedestrians crawled like insects. With the melting temperature, they pulled up hoods to shield themselves from branches dropping dirty slush.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This is a good opening paragraph, but I have some tweaks to suggest.

First, the "she" in the first sentence has no antecedent. You name Neena in the second sentence--I'd name her in the first sentence and use the pronoun in the second. Naming her helps to put readers in her head, and the sooner you do that, the better.

The second comment is a minor grammatical point: the first sentence is a comma splice. You need a period or semicolon after "back." *Exclaim*


*Cut*There were only about twenty Drukkers in the world, designed in Berkeley, manufactured in China, with technical support from Bangalore, India. The Nepski team had recently purchased one, in collaboration with other labs at Pandolf Medical Center. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: The story stops while the author intrudes to tell the reader facts. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Frequent squabbles broke out over the research computer's use,*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: repeats information from the prior paragraph. *Exclaim*

*Cut*If he left for restroom breaks, he threw his backpack, coat, papers and anything else handy onto the imitation leather seat.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: contradicts prior paragraph where he only left for meals. *Exclaim*

*Cut*The Drukker was the latest model of a medical research computer. It performed biochemical, genetic, 3-D, 4-D and higher dimensional testing on human tissue. A scientist could take Drukker trays, load his experiment specimens, and sit at the control board to guide the analysis he wished the machine to perform.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: another author intrusion. *Exclaim*

*Cut*he heard the door open, and the soft footsteps of Shelly Narayan. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Phrases like "he heard" are a subtle form of telling. It's usually more intimate and immediate for readers to describe directly what he hear--those soft footsteps. If you want to emphasize that he heard them, have him react in some way. However, since we are firmly in his head, the readers will infer that he heard them, and that little step of inference helps to draw them into his head. *Exclaim*

*Cut*She was an Obstetrics and Gynecology resident doctor, training at Pandolf Hospital. Shelly worked diligently as a lab research assistant, to boost her applications to advanced surgery specialty training programs.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: author intrudes to state some facts...I'll stop pointing these out now... *Exclaim*

*Cut*"Not really," Shelly responded, smiling inside as her mind drifted elsewhere, as it often wandered when Dr. Garcia began what she considered one of his radical rants. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: head-hops into Shelly... *Exclaim*

*Cut*looked behind him to make sure no colleague stood in black shadows ready to jump into "his" machine.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: hops back into his head, since we know why he looked back. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Shelly knew that Dr. Garcia was a widower,*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: hops back to Shelly's head... *Exclaim*

*Cut*Actually, he was happy because her chattiness reminded him of his dead wife.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Back in Garcia's head. I'll stop pointing these shifts in point of view... *Exclaim*

*Cut*"So you asked me if I knew about this fundraiser?" he began. "So every week, at these Nepski lab team meetings, we are the lab rats, the PhD post-docs working at these labs and we sit submissively around his table.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Lots of sentences seem to be starting with "So..."--enough that it's noticeable. Be careful about repeating words and phrases like this, as it runs the risk of making your prose seem monotone. *Exclaim*

                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*


Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!


Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out my {x-link:http://maxgriffin.net/LongMusings.shtml}


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Rated: E | (4.0)
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Item Reviewed: "The End is Where We Start From
Author T4tunes
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart*

                                                             
*FlagB*What I liked best
I've already written to you separately, so you know I enjoyed this story. I totally identified with the Retiree, with what he wants, and with his doubts and hesitations. I believe that characters are where all good stories start, and you've got one who is credible and readers will want to cheer for--especially readers who want to be writers!

                                                             
*FlagB*Plot
Hitchcock famously said that the audience cares about the characters and that the plot is there to give the characters something to care about. There's a lot of truth in this for fiction writers.

Your protagonist has a goal: find a fulfilling way to spend retirement. He's also got an obstacle--there are lots of alternatives, and risks associated with each. The he's settled on has further risks of failure or even public ridicule. Attaining the goal is also important--the stakes of not achieving his goal. Work has given his life purpose. Now that work is gone, where will he find purpose? So, we've got goals, obstacles, and stakes, so we've got the basic building blocks of plot. Good job!

                                                             
*FlagB*Style and Voice
This story uses a mix of an omniscient narrator and a third person limited narrator.

In omniscient narration, the author stands outside the fictional events, looking in. The author knows the internal thoughts of all the characters; in fact, the author knows everything.

This narrative style dominated 19th century literature and continued well into the 20th. However, it has all but disappeared from commercial fiction today. About 30% of all contemporary fiction uses a first person narrator, while the overwhelming majority of the remainder uses third person limited.

In third person limited, for each scene the author chooses one character to provide the point of view. The reader can know what that character sees, hears, smells, and otherwise senses. The reader can know what that character thinks, as well. But the reader has to infer these things about all the other characters through their words and deeds. The idea is that the author places the readers into the head of one character, and then the readers encounter the fictional world through that character in a holistic manner, the same way we encounter the real world. That's supposed to help draw the reader into the story and thus into the fictional world.

A novel can--and usually does--have many point-of-view characters, but there should be only one for each scene. Generally, a short story uses only one POV character.

Now, I said this story is a mix. Surely, there is only one character: the Retiree. Thus, there are no head-hops or other similar slips into omniscient narration. What I did find, though, are places where the story stops while the narrator intrudes to tell the reader things. In the line-by-line remarks below, I'll focus on these in more detail. In my comments on your opening paragraph, for example, I tried to be pretty specific about ways the narrative falls into telling instead of showing, and to suggest ways to do more of the latter and less of the former.

Showing and not telling is the hardest thing to master in fiction. It's such a blazingly simple concept, and so insanely difficult to achieve. It's especially difficult for authors who have done a lot of technical writing--like both you and me!--where the emphasis is on clarity. All our training says "telling" equals clarity. Whether that's true or not in technical writing is debatable, but it's certainly not true in fiction.

I hope you'll see in the comments below how you might change some of the information from telling to showing while at the same time establishing point of view.

                                                             
*FlagB*Scene/Setting
There is certainly enough for staging--I never lost track of where the Retiree was at. But I have to say it's pretty sparse. There is a lot of information you can reveal through setting. What does the kitchen or bedroom look like, for example? How about his study? Again, I've put a couple of examples of ways to interlace information with setting in the line-by-line remarks below.

                                                             
*FlagB*Grammar
*Exclaim* Comma Splices.*Exclaim*
A comma splice occurs when you have two complete sentences joined by a comma where a period or semicolon should be used. I've marked one or more of these in the line-by-line comments below.

*Exclaim* Adverbs.*Exclaim* You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust. *Rolleyes* I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

                                                             
*FlagB*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

Based on this story, I think you are (a) a writer with talent and potential; (b) genuinely interested in learning the craft of fiction. for this reason, I'm giving you a rather more in-depth review than I would ordinarily provide to a "newbie," as you describe yourself. I think you are serious and deserve a serious review, so you are getting one.

But I want to also be absolutely cleare: I like the story, and I especially like the Retiree. There are many places where we are deeply inside his head. He's methodical, he has a sense of humor, he's realistic, and has goals. Readers will identify with him and cheer for him. Since I think good stories start with characters, this is a really good story with an outstanding character. See above: you assuredly have both talent and potential.

Thanks for sharing and by all means keep on writing!

                                                             
*FlagB*Line-by-line remarks
*Bullet*Your text is in BLUE.
*Bullet*My comments are in GREEN.
*Bullet*If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
*Cut*The Retiree awoke before dawn. He put his shoes on.

Gradually, as the sleep fog lifted, it came back to him that no job was waiting. He was an ex-commuter. And it was not before dawn at all, it was after 8 AM, and the sun was above the trees and lighting up the bedroom window. He took his shoes off. He made his way to the bathroom sink, splashed cold water on his face, and he walked on down the hall to confront the new day.*Cut*
*Exclaim*My Comment: Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

One of the best ways to draw readers into your story is to draw them into the head of your protagonist. Thus, when you start with your Retiree doing things and sensing things, you're doing exactly that. However, I've got some tweaks that might improve the immediacy and intimacy for the readers.

First, giving the Retiree a name--say, Fred or Ethel--will help readers identify with him or her. So, I'd suggest you personalize your character with a name. Second, think about the information in the second paragraph. Most of this is narrated, in the sense that a narrator, who is not the retiree, is standing outside the story telling the reader the time and other critical facts. In the same way you personalize the Retiree with a name, you could personalize these bits of information by putting them in the Retiree's head. By way of example, consider the following
Fred squinted against the glare of the morning sun that streamed over the trees and into his bedroom. The clock on his nightstand read 8:13. Of course. No pre-dawn commute for him today, or ever again, now that he's retired. He plopped back on the bed with a grunt and slipped off his shoes. In the bathroom, the ceramic tiles cooled the soles of his bare feet while he splashed cold water on his face. Time to confront the new day and the puzzle of retirement.

This isn't very good and I'm sure you can do better--you have the mental picture of where he's and what he's feeling. The point is that it's got the same information as your paragraph, but it's about what's in Fred's head. Thus, I start with him squinting against the glare of the morning sun. I could just easily have the sunlight warm his cheeks or have him sense something else: that sensation puts the readers in his head, squinting or sensing right with him. Then he reads the clock on his nightstand, and we get his mental reaction: no pre-dawn commute today, or ever. Because the first sentence puts the reader in Fred's head, the readers will naturally infer the next sentences are in his head, too, including the thought about no commute. That little step of inference helps to draw the readers in. A few more sensations follow, then the final sentence foreshadows the content of the story: the puzzle of retirement.

Notice the example paragraph has exactly the same information or even a little more than your paragraph, but it's tweaked so that it's not an external narrator telling readers things. Instead, the reader in Fred's head, and hence in the story, sensing, feeling, and thinking.
*Exclaim*


*Cut*A new day for a new beginning.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Your first two paragraphs launch your story, but this paragraph stops the story. It's that narrator again, standing outside the story, telling the reader facts. These facts are important, to be sure, but they should be tweaked so that you show them through the Retiree's words and deeds rather than through narration. For example, maybe he's got a file he's prepared of alternative ways to spend retirement. Or maybe the calendar is filled with things to do except starting today and forward, when it's a blank. That's both enticing and terrifying, so show both reactions. Maybe there's a card or watch or some memento from his retirement party that mentions his 40 year career--showing through scene-setting. Keep the story going by continuing to have the Retiree thinking, sensing and doing. *Exclaim*

*Cut*And there was writing. The career had required a great deal of it, all technical and as non-fiction as you can get (unless you count the long-term business strategies),*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: hahaha! Love it! Here, you're clearly inside the Retiree's head as he contemplates things. That little joke reinforces where the point of view resides, and also makes the Retiree likable. *Exclaim*

*Cut*It was really no contest. Writing should be the first pursuit. Probably. Or, maybe not.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Here, you've got deep point of view inside the Retiree's head. We're all with him now, uncertain and kind of dithering. Good work! *Exclaim*

*Cut*The Retiree sat quietly and listened to his inner artist and inner skeptic battle it out.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: We all have fetishes, and one of mine is adverbs. "Sit quietly" in this case. He's musing, right? Later his tea is cold, we infer he's concentrating on his thoughts. The thing here is to paint a picture of what a person "sitting quietly" looks like. What is it like for Fred to experience sitting quietly? The adverb tells us he's not speaking, but I think you much more than that, so show him sitting there, musing, distracted, through his words and deeds. Maybe the cat stropes his legs and he picks her up and pets her, or even speaks to her. Give the cat a name that connects with the problem of the story or reveals something about the character. My cat is named Erwin Schrodinger the Cat, for example. *Exclaim*

*Cut*That sounded right, a community can be a place after all, so he narrowed the search and learned that communities came in a variety of shapes and flavors.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Comma splice *Exclaim*

*Cut*First, a writers’ circle. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: this is more deep point of view musings...I'm starting to want something to happen besides the character thinking. See the cat above. *Exclaim*

*Cut*The Retiree had the sense that he had inadvertently wandered into the bedroom of a very serious young lady.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: love the metaphor. I'd say the young lady suffered from hoarder's syndrome, given the chaotic array of things in her closet...but that's just me. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Over the next few days, the Retiree came back to the site and just played, messing around with a few word games and even entering a contest. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This is narrated summary of action. It's almost always stronger to show the action happening, real time, rather than tell us in summary what he did. *Exclaim*


                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*


Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!


Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out my {x-link:http://maxgriffin.net/LongMusings.shtml}


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Review Spot Review


Item Reviewed: "Cambria Chapter 2: Questions
Author Hetzer
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart*

                                                             
*FlagB*What I liked best
You've clearly got a detailed fictional world here, with intricate history, sociology, politics and culture. You've also got a world-weary character in Poindexter, and an impending but unspecified danger that's hanging over everyone in the village of Ravage. You've created a scene fit for a Gothic novel, but in a steampunk setting, all of which is intriguing.

                                                             
*FlagB*Characters
We primarily meet Poindexter in this chapter, although he briefly interacts with two other characters: his assistant Carver and the fish monger Charles.

Characters need to have goals, to want something. Clearly Poindexter has a goals--otherwise he wouldn't feel inferior or a failure. He's also working on some kind of project that he wants to succeed. The project is apparently important not just to him but to the village as well. The problem is that we don't know what the project is! In order to engage the readers, we need to know enough about the goals to know why they matter to him. That way, the readers have a sense of the stakes and the obstacles he faces. The combination of goals, stakes, and obstacles are the basic building blocks of plot.

Now, Hitchcock teaches us that the audience--or readers, in our case--cares about the characters and the plot is there to give the characters something to care about. But readers need some minimal information about the goal itself. Poindexter is a sufficiently interesting character that readers will want to cheer for him, but they need to know his goal.

I know this is chapter two, but my recollection of chapter one was that it's not directly related to Poindexter.

                                                             
*FlagB*Plot
See above. We've got goals, stakes, and apparently obstacles so we've got the building blocks of plot. We've also got mystery--why is the ironclad there, and why is Becket making an appearance? Those serve as pretty good hooks to keep the pages turning, as well.

                                                             
*FlagB*Style and Voice
Third person limited, in Poindexter's head, but you'll see I've made some specific suggestions in the opening paragraphs to better nail the point of view.

                                                             
*FlagB*Referencing
I like that you've hinted at the layers of technology--ironclads and monorails!--without overloading the reader with too much detail at the outset. There's enough to understand the here-and-now of evolving events without overloading the reader with details.

                                                             
*FlagB*Scene/Setting
Good job here, too. I do think some of the descriptions need tweaked so they are more clearly Poindexter sensing things as opposed to the narrator describing things. Again, see the line-by-line remarks below.

                                                             
*FlagB*Grammar
*Exclaim* Comma Splices.*Exclaim*
A comma splice occurs when you have two complete sentences joined by a comma where a period or semicolon should be used. I've marked one or more of these in the line-by-line comments below.

                                                             
*FlagB*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

This is an interesting and engaging second chapter, especially when paired with the mystery of the first chapter. The characterization is strong and, with a touch more detail, the tension is good, too. Plus, you've ended this chapter with two mysteries, which will keep the readers hooked.

Good job, and do keep writing!!!

                                                             
*FlagB*Line-by-line remarks
*Bullet*Your text is in BLUE.
*Bullet*My comments are in GREEN.
*Bullet*If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
*Cut*Beams of sunlight pierced the blinded windows of Poindexter’s apartment as best they could, the golden morning light filtering through them in a multitude of separate rays, dust swimming lazily around within each one.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

Your opening begins with a description, which almost always puts the reader outside the story looking in instead of inside the story. One way to draw readers into the story is to begin with establishing Poindexter as your point-of-view character. Thus, inverting your first and second paragraphs can establish the point of view, which automatically puts readers into the story.

*Exclaim*


*Cut*Poindexter sat upon the side of his single-sized bed, eyes focused on the warm patterns spread across the brown-carpeted floor. Doubts swum around his mind, demons carrying pitchforks of inferiority and failure that fought against him without pause. He’d lost track of the time he had been sitting there in spite of the small LED clock atop his nightstand blinking a steady 6:23 in all red. He remembered falling asleep just three hours prior, eyes instead rooted to the acoustic finish of the ceiling. Now they burned, begging Poindexter to close them and slip away into nothingness.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Except in this second paragraph, we don't really get embedded inside Poindexter's head until his eyes burn in the final sentence. The lead sentence could still be an omniscient narrator describing where he's at. Even the second sentence is outside of his head even while describing his doubts. Here's what I'd consider:
Poindexter's eyes burned and fatigue slumped his weary shoulders. He blinked at the clock on his night stand. Six thirty-two. At least he'd gotten three hours of sleep. Dreary plumes of dust floated about him in beams of sunlight that penetrated his window shades. He sighed, and wondered how long he'd been sitting there. Not that it mattered. Nothing mattered. He knew was a failure. Everyone knew it.

I'm sure you can do better than this since you can see his room and know him better than I ever could. What I've tried to do is take the same information you gave and internalize it, to put it inside Poindexter's head and to thus put the reader inside his head. That's why I started with eyes burning and fatigue slumping his shoulders--internal sensations that everyone has felt and will identify with. Saying the dust plumes are "dreary" is a subjective description, which helps to establish both his point of view and his mood. Then there's a little internal dialogue where he thinks it doesn't matter how long he's been sitting there. Once you've established his point of view, these little statements become Poindexter, thinking them. *Exclaim*


*Cut*He jolted back to reality as a steady ring began to escape the black dial telephone affixed to the wall in front of him, however, its tone lording over the distant barking from hounds and the soundscape of the city. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Comma splice *Exclaim*

*Cut*Ravage was a fishing town by all definitions,*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: The story stops here and the rest of the paragraph consists of the author telling the reader things. Does the reader need to know this to understand the here-and-now of evolving events? If so, is there a way to reveal this information through the words, deeds, and senses of your character as opposed to through narration? *Exclaim*

*Cut*“Ah, if it isn’t the town hero,” *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: With this, the story re-starts. *Exclaim*

*Cut*He needed answers. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Good lead in to this final hook. *Exclaim*

                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*


Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!


Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out my {x-link:http://maxgriffin.net/LongMusings.shtml}


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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188
Review by
Rated: E | (4.0)
Review Spot Review


Item Reviewed: "Earthbound, Chapter 1
Author An Enemy Spy }
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart*

I see that you are new to WDC, so permit me to welcome you to the site. This is a great place to showcase your writing, to learn and grow as an author, and to make new friends, both personal professional. I've come to treasure my time here, and I hope you find this place as awesome as I have. If you have questions, please don't hesitate to write to me.

                                                             
*FlagB*What I liked best
There is some lovely writing here. You have a knack for setting the scene with deft and active descriptions. Your opening paragraphs are but one example of this.

                                                             
*FlagB*Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

While I liked your opening paragraph, it has the feeling of an omniscient narrator, standing outside the story, telling the reader things. Indeed, this "standing outside the story" is a theme I'll come back to again in this review.

                                                             
*FlagB*Plot
Hitchcock famously said that the audience cares about the characters. The plot, he told us, is there to give the characters something to care about. While Hitchcock was speaking about cinema, there's a lesson for the written word as well.

In order to be compelling, characters need to want something, to have a goal. The goal has to matter--those are the stakes. Finally, there should be obstacles to achieving the goals. Tension comes from the conflict between goals, stakes, and obstacles. Often the plot consists of increasing the stakes, the goals, or the obstacles.

In this chapter, I infer that Lyra's goal is to be a part of the faerie community, despite her difference of not having wings. The goals is important because of the loneliness and alienation she clearly feels. The obstacle, of course, is her difference that the hinted-at disapprobation from other faeries. We've also got a hint that she might have a gift, and that the world in which she lives might under threat from a volcano.

Thus, we have a start of a quest, with many opportunities for increased tension.

However, I have to say that there is almost no tension in this opening chapter. The pace is quite slow, almost glacial. We do get to know Lyra and Orph, and they are sympathetic enough characters for the readers to care about them. But the conflicts and goals are so tenuous, that there is little in the way of forward momentum and tension. That's a concern, since I'm not sure readers--to say nothing of editors and agents--will have the patience to stick with you waiting for things to happen, despite your lovely prose.

                                                             
*FlagB*Hook
Hooks are what keep the readers turning the page to the next chapter. I think you need a stronger hook for this chapter. The blog below has a good, basic discussion of the various kinds of hooks:
http://thebookdoctorbd.blogspot.com/2011/09/using-...

                                                             
*FlagB*Style and Voice
This chapter uses an omniscient narrator, in which the author stands outside the fictional events, looking in. The author knows the internal thoughts of all the characters; in fact, the author knows everything.

This narrative style dominated 19th century literature and continued well into the 20th. However, it has all but disappeared from commercial fiction today. About 30% of all contemporary fiction uses a first person narrator, while the overwhelming majority of the remainder uses third person limited.

In third person limited, for each scene the author chooses one character to provide the point of view. The reader can know what that character sees, hears, smells, and otherwise senses. The reader can know what that character thinks, as well. But the reader has to infer these things about all the other characters through their words and deeds. The idea is that the author places the readers into the head of one character, and then the readers encounter the fictional world through that character in a holistic manner, the same way we encounter the real world. That's supposed to help draw the reader into the story and thus into the fictional world.

A novel can--and usually does--have many point-of-view characters, but there should be only one for each scene.

This brings me back to the theme I mentioned above. The writer's primary initial goal is necessarily to draw the reader into the fictional world, and hence into the story. The most effective and simplest way to do that is to draw the readers into the head of your point-of-view character. That's really the main reason that omniscient narrators have all but disappeared.

Now, almost the entire chapter is already in Lyra's point-of-view. There's a couple of minor head-hops to Orph, but after the opening paragraphs you more or less are in Lyra's head throughout. This brings me to my second major suggestion for this chapter, namely to solidify the point of view on Lyra throughout, but especially in those opening paragraphs.

                                                             
*FlagB*Scene/Setting
Awesome job here.

                                                             
*FlagB*Characters
Lyra and Orph are sympathetic characters and readers will want to cheer for them. It might be helpful, though, to give Lyra some kind "save the cat" moment, where she does a spontaneous kind deed, to establish her bona fides. We've already got Orph's love for his sister, so we don't need any such act for him.

                                                             
*FlagB*Grammar
Good job here--very little to complain about except a couple repeated/missed words noted in the line-by-line remarks.

*Exclaim* Comma Splices.*Exclaim*
A comma splice occurs when you have two complete sentences joined by a comma where a period or semicolon should be used. I've marked one or more of these in the line-by-line comments below.

                                                             
*FlagB*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

There is some lovely writing in this chapter. I can tell you have a detailed world and a detailed plot. My primary suggestions are to increase the pace and tension and to firm up the point of view, but those are tweaks. This is a great start for your novel.

Thank you for sharing, and by all means keep writing!!

                                                             
*FlagB*Line-by-line remarks
*Bullet*Your text is in BLUE.
*Bullet*My comments are in GREEN.
*Bullet*If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
*Cut*He was tall for a faerie(more than four inches), and broad in the shoulders,*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Editors tend to deprecate parenthetic remarks in favor of the em-dash. *Exclaim*

*Cut*His bare muscled chest was the color of sand,*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: I’m bad with commas, but I think you need one after “bare.” *Exclaim*

*Cut*His wings whirred, and he flew up and disappeared above the canopy of grass above.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: “above” used twice in close proximity. Repeating words and phrases like this runs the risk of making your prose seem monotone, so it’s generally better to have more varied word choice. *Exclaim*

*Cut*“Well why don’t ask the osprey next time you see him?” *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: missing word: why don’t YOU ask... *Exclaim*

*Cut*That would be short story.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Missing word: a short story... *Exclaim*

*Cut*The Vernal Equinox was one of the most important days of the year. It celebrated the end of winter and the spreading of new life. And what better place to celebrate new life than at the place where it came from?*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Here the story stops for a several paragraphs while the author intrudes to tell the reader things. These are important things, to be sure, but because they are narrated they interrupt the fictional dream. It would be stronger to reveal this things through the words and deeds of your characters. That way, readers will encounter your fictional world holistically, the way they encounter the real world. Remember, you have an entire novel to reveal these facts, so it’s generally better to stick to just enough explanations so readers understand what’s going in the here-and-now of unfolding events. *Exclaim*

*Cut*“When a baby is born without wings, often times they will be abandoned.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Here, we’re still in the background information, but we’ve slipped from the fictional present to the fictional past in a short flashback. This also interrupts the fictional dream.

Flashbacks can be an author’s friend. However, readers are fragile creatures who easily lose their way. Thus, the author needs to take care in entering the past and then re-entering the present so that the transitions are clear to the readers. In addition, in your first chapter you’re still establishing your fictional world. It’s generally inadvisable to have a flashback in an opening chapter, since the readers are not yet familiar with the here-and-now and this lurches them into the past. *Exclaim*


*Cut*Lyra warmed her hands over the fire. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: I’m guessing this is the return to the here-and-now of the fictional present. *Exclaim*

*Cut*“Laws are for dwarfs, we don’t need them. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: comma splice. *Exclaim*

*Cut*He liked to say that the World Soul had given her that talent to make up for her lack of wings.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Mostly we’ve been in Lyra’s head, but here we learn what Orph likes, so we’ve hopped into his head. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Maybe he was right. When Lyra put the flute to her lips and began to play, she didn’t feel so bad.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This puts us back in Lyra’s head. *Exclaim*

*Cut*She was surprised when she saw a little boat.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This tells us she was surprised. Can you show it? Perhaps she raises her eyebrows, or has to look twice. *Exclaim*

*Cut*The nixie nodded, and both of them came and sat by the fire.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: I’m guessing Nixies must be fairie-sized? *Exclaim*

                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*


Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!


Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out my {x-link:http://maxgriffin.net/LongMusings.shtml}


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
189
189
Review by
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Review Spot Review


Item Reviewed: "Cambria: Another Chapter One
Author Hetzer
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart*

                                                             
*FlagB*What I liked best
This is an intriguing opening. You did a great job with tension, engaging the readers, and then with the hook at the end.

                                                             
*FlagB*Plot
I confess I'm a little confused by the teaser for this. Clearly it's about a guy lost in a blizzard, and there's a giant metal bird, but what's the prank? How is "sexual?"

However, absent the teaser, this is a good opening. You introduce your protagonist, Harvey. It starts in the middle of action. He's clearly in danger. We know that there are "automatons" and "metal birds," but he's using a flintlock pistol, so there's an intriguing mix of technologies. It's clear that Harvey has goals--getting out of whatever situation he's in--and that his situation is compounded by an apparent case of amnesia. So you've launched the plot with just enough information so that readers can understand the here-and-now of events and with enough mystery that they will turn the pages. This is a difficult balance, and you've done a masterful job of it.

                                                             
*FlagB*Hook
The enigmatic message from the DN1 is also a good hook, in addition to your cliff-hanger ending.

                                                             
*FlagB*Style and Voice
Third person limited, in Harvey's head. No slips, although I've made a suggestion below regarding your opening paragraph.

                                                             
*FlagB*Scene/Setting
Certainly enough for staging. You certainly established the storm, the cold, and the whirling snow. Good work!

                                                             
*FlagB*Characters
We get just a hint of Harvey. He seems calm, given the situation, and that should be enough for now for readers to want to cheer for him.

                                                             
*FlagB*Grammar
*Exclaim* Adverbs.*Exclaim* You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust. *Rolleyes* I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

                                                             
*FlagB*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

This is a good first chapter. I think you've got the right mix of action and mystery. It is pretty short, so if you were to add a touch more detail about what's going on to improve clarity, that might be appropriate--much depends on what happens in chapter two.

Nice work, and thank you for sharing!

                                                             
*FlagB*Line-by-line remarks
*Bullet*Your text is in BLUE.
*Bullet*My comments are in GREEN.
*Bullet*If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
b}*Cut*He had been wandering ever since the blizzard set in, desperately trudging forwards through an unending sea of white flurries despite making no visible progress towards shelter- towards anything at all. The wind howled at him in laughter, poking fun at his futile efforts. It had been his only company for hours now. His nose stung and his gloved hands had long since gone numb from the cold, along with his feet. Harvey feared that if things kept up frostbite would set in.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

This opening certainly starts in the middle of action and orients the reader in time and space. However, I think it could be improved by more solidly establishing the point of view.

For example, the pronoun “he” in the first sentence has no antecedent, so the readers can’t know who “he” is. I’d consider naming Harvey right away. Secondly, the first two sentences feel like an omniscient narrator, standing outside the story, telling the reader things. The third sentence—where Harvey’s nose stings and his hands are numb—is the first one with internal sensations, where what’s happening is clearly inside Harvey’s head. Thus, I’d also rearrange the sentences so this one, or something similar, comes first. Once you’ve got the readers inside Harvey’s head, then the rest of the descriptions are implicitly things he is sensing or thinking.
*Exclaim*


*Cut*The two circular disks it had for eyes weakly flickered*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: “flickered” implies “weakly,” so the adverb is just a speedbump that slows things down. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Harvey pressed his hands to his neck, feeling a chill rush through the whole area despite only his gloves touching it.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Phrases like “feeling a chill” are a subtle form of telling as opposed to showing. First, since we’re in Harvey’s head anything on the page is something he has sensed, so “feeling” isn’t necessary. It’s almost always more intimate and immediate for the readers to just describe what he felt directly. If you want to emphasize he felt it, you could have him react in some way—perhaps with a gasp or a shudder? *Exclaim*

*Cut*Above the screaming wind around him, Harvey could now hear*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: “Harvey could hear” is like “Harvey feeling” above. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Harvey’s feet were tree stumps, rooting him in place*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: nice metaphor. *Exclaim*

*Cut*There was a earth-shaking screech. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: “an earth-shaking...” Good hook! *Exclaim*



                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*


Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!


Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out my {x-link:http://maxgriffin.net/LongMusings.shtml}


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
190
190
Review of Cambria  
Review by
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Review Spot Review


Item Reviewed: "Cambria
Author Hetzer
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart*

                                                             
*FlagB*What I liked best
There are many vivid descriptions in this chapter--you have a real flair for crafting nuanced prose that evoke emotions and senses. There's a place, for example, where an amber shadow "dances" on the skin of the gnarly creature--that's awesome writing! There are dozens of other equally excellent examples.

                                                             
*FlagB*Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

Your opening names your point-of-view character, starts in the middle of him doing things, and orients the reader in space. These are all good--even essential--things in an opening. I do have a couple of tweaks to suggest, though.

For example, consider these sentences:
*Cut*It had been a cold morning, an especially cold one for nation 3, and the soldier now felt grateful for the attire he had been so hurriedly given by his unit leader just a few hours prior. *Cut*


If you have him shiver, that shows that it's cold rather than the author telling the reader a fact. Referring to Mercer as the "the soldier" avoids repeating his name, but I think you could just use a pronoun and it would be clearer that there's not another person in the scene. To establish that he's a soldier, you might give his "unit leader" a rank--centurion, sergeant, whatever. Instead of "given hurriedly" (note the adverb), you might have the centurion "thrust the uniform" upon him. A precise, active verb is better than an imprecise verb coupled with an adverb.


                                                             
*FlagB*Plot
What I infer so far is that there is a war, and that Mercer is apparently part of an army invading "nation 3." The invasion force spotted something, and he's been sent to investigate. What he finds--Broken--is the precipitating incident that launches the action.

As it stands, this is a great outline for an opening chapter. You stay focused on the there-and-now, so the reader doesn't need to know much of anything about the invasion or what's involved--no "info-dumps," which is a good thing. I do think there could be bit more context threaded in here and there to give us a sense of the steam-punk universe. We get a bit of that with the anti-matter bullet in the flintlock pistol, but I wonder if you could find a couple of more places to hint at the technology and culture?

I also think Mercer's mission--which is to investigate whatever caused the crater, right?--could be clearer up front. Later, the crater is even called a "crash site," so presumably Mercer and his superior at least suspected it was from some kind of aircraft crashing and not a thunderbolt from Thor.

Bottom line is that the plot is starting nicely, but I'd like a bit more context threaded into the narrative.

                                                             
*FlagB*Hook
I'm not sure that the hook quite works in this chapter. Certainly the eyes and the toothy grin are sinister, but I think you could increase the tension.

Hitchcock famously said that the audience cares about the characters. The plot, he taught us, is there to give the characters something to care about. There is truth in that for fiction authors as well as those who write screenplays.

Characters have goals: they want something. What they want matters--those are the stakes. Finally, there are obstacles to achieving those goals. Plot essentially consists of increasing the stakes. Along the way, the goals might also evolve--think about Luke's evolving goals in Star Wars.

The story evolves, then, through the interplay of goals, stakes, and obstacles. Typically, a story is a sequence of crises that arise from escalating stakes and obstacles, resulting in the failure of the character to achieve goals. That, then, leads to a natural sequence of "cause/effect" events that become chapters. To keep pages turning, you would typically end a chapter with a crisis of sort--a "cliff-hanger"--that launches the next escalation of cause/effect events.

Where I'm headed with this is that I think Mercer's goals--both immediate and long-term--need to be better articulated. What was his mission in climbing the mountain? Why did it matter? How does finding Broken constitute a failure of his mission that raises the stakes and/or increase the obstacles?

For more along this line on hooks, you might look at this blog: http://thebookdoctorbd.blogspot.com/2011/09/using-...

                                                             
*FlagB*Style and Voice
Third person limited, in Mercer's head. Good job.

I did notice numerous places where you write thing like "Mercer saw" or "Mercer inspected" or, more generally, Mercer "sensed" something. This is a subtle form of telling as opposed to showing, and I've expanded on this in the line-by-line remarks below.

                                                             
*FlagB*Grammar

*Exclaim* Adverbs.*Exclaim* You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust. *Rolleyes* I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

                                                             
*FlagB*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

                                                             
*FlagB*Line-by-line remarks
*Bullet*Your text is in BLUE.
*Bullet*My comments are in RED.
*Bullet*If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GREEN.
                                                             
*Cut*Embers littered the nearby ground like scattered marbles and the smell of smoke hung over the whole area like a dense fog. Cinders licked at Mercer’s eyes as he made his way deeper into the clearing, eyes stinging a little already from the fumes. A handful of trees lay uprooted nearby, their trunks blackened by an unknown and searing heat that didn’t spare the ground either by the looks of it. The soldier brushed by a lonely patch of seared bushes and stopped in his tracks upon seeing a huge, circular crater etched into the soil ahead of him. The sides were scorched even darker than the surrounding landscape, the color of burned bread. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This is a great paragraph--especially the opening sentences. It's almost always more immediate and intimate for your readers to do it this way. Note you describe directly the scene without prefacing it with "Mercer saw" or "Mercer noticed." You don't need those phrases since you've already placed us in Mercer's head. Indeed, phrases like "Mercer sensed" tell the reader what he sensed, as opposed to showing it. The one improvement I'd consider is the "upon seeing a huge circular crater." Instead, if you perhaps wrote something like
When he brushed by a lonely patch of seared bushes, a huge, circular crater halted his progress. The sides of the crater...

The above example continues in the same vein as the earlier sentences: the crater "halts his progress," so the crater description comes first, followed by his reaction--halted progress--to emphasize that he "saw" it. Then you can continue with the description, and readers will have no trouble inferring that he's inspecting the crater itself. Indeed, that little step of inference helps to draw them into his head and hence into the story. *Exclaim*


*Cut*He felt a chill run down his spine*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: The sensation of the chill is great, but, as above, describe it directly without the "he felt." *Exclaim*

*Cut*felt his nerve begin to wear thin*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: can you show this rather than tell it? Maybe his fingers tremble, or perspiration slicks his grip. *Exclaim*

*Cut*His words were answered only by sharp pops from the fires in the background.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Nice imagery, but note the passive voice. "the only answers were the pops from the fires..." is active voice. *Exclaim*

*Cut*“Are you okay?” Mercer stepped back, a jolt of adrenaline running through him as one of the figure’s bony arms twitched.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Cause/effect inverted. First the bony arm twitches, then the cold adrenaline runs through him and he steps back. Keeping time sequential and avoiding little reversals like this helps to keep readers in the here-and-now of the story. *Exclaim*

*Cut*“I don’t feel very cooperative today.” If a voice could sound like nails on a chalkboard, it would sound an awful lot like this one.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This is a little tricky. On the one hand, it's too late to describe the sound of the voice after the creature has spoken, as the readers will have already "heard" the words in their imaginations. On the other hand, prefacing the speech with a description of the timbre of the creature's voice is one of those time-reversals I argued against above. I tend to come down on the side of prefacing the dialogue with something like, "When the creature spoke, its voice rasped like..." and then follow the speech with Mercer's reaction (where you have him flinch and step back), but I admit this isn't clear-cut. *Exclaim*

                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*


Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!


Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out my {x-link:http://maxgriffin.net/LongMusings.shtml}


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Rated: E | (4.0)
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Item Reviewed: "The mysterious room.
Author Marigene
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart*

                                                             
*FlagB*What I liked best
I'd never heard of the "Diversity Visa," so I learned something from this story. You did a good job of what it means to people to qualify for this visa, and the tension in the room was well-portrayed as well. I also went to the State Department site on applying for the visa, and found it to be amazingly opaque and difficult to follow. I like the idea of the diversity visa, but also believe that the bureaucratic impediments could be reduced. Of course, your narrator is child, and would only sense the tension in the room.

                                                             
*FlagB*Style and Voice
First person. About 30% of all published fiction uses this narrative choice. Paradoxically, it's actually much harder to write first person narratives than the more common third person limited.

It's so tempting in a first person narrative to imagine that you are sitting across from your readers, perhaps in a restaurant or some other social setting, and are telling them your story. That's natural--we do this all the time. I come home from and ask my spouse how things went today, and he tells the me story of what he did. It's a natural human way of telling stories.

That's the problem. You wind up telling the story. In writing fiction, you want to show your story. Readers want to experience your fictional world holistically, through the words, deeds, and sensations of your narrator. It seems like first person narrations should be most effective at doing this, but for a variety of technical reasons they are harder.

For example, I'm 99% sure I don't know the name of your point-of-view character. In fact, I don't think I even know the gender. Knowing these things helps to draw readers into the head of your character and hence into your story.

For another example, consider your opening paragraph:
It was the first day of summer vacation 2014 and I was spending it at my mother's office because she had nobody to take care of me. My excitement disappeared soon after arriving. I was expected to sit still and be quiet. Mom gave me a stack of white papers, some colored pencils and told me to draw pictures and to keep to myself. I don't even like drawing and the office smelled like old garbage. It was filled with people sitting in rows on metal chairs. I always thought her office was on the top floor of a very high building with huge windows and shiny furniture, like the ones you see on TV.

In many ways, this is a terrific opening. It orients the readers in time and space, sets the scene, does an excellent job of describing the scene. The last sentence, in particular, is good since it shows a child's expectations and disappointments. If this were a newspaper article, it would be an awesome opening. But this isn't journalism; it's fiction. So how would I suggest tweaking it? Well, for starters, I'd stay in the moment. When you describe how it smells--that's a subjective sensation that helps to put readers in her head and in the moment, so I'd move that to the lead sentence. Then I'd follow with the description of the room and how it contrasted with TV expectations. Another tweak might be to put actual words in her mother's mouth instead of telling us she "told me to draw pictures." That helps to show evolving events. Instead of telling the readers about entering the building, lead them to experience it.

If you were telling a friend this story, you'd never quote dialogue. You'd write"She told me to draw pictures," as you did. That's what I'm trying to get at as the difference between telling and showing a story. I know this is almost banal advice, but it's still important.

                                                             
*FlagB*Plot
Since I'd never heard of the Diversity Visa program, I was like the narrator and didn't know what was going on in the room. I finally figured it out when "green card" came up, but by then it was too late. That meant that the tension--which you did a good job establishing--wasn't quite as sharp as it might have been. I did get the reference to El Shabab, of course, but I wasn't sure why the people were there.

I'm not sure what to suggest here...except this is clearly the US embassy or consulate, so maybe there's a US flag right there in Somalia--a strange sight for the narrator, and something she'd notice.

                                                             
*FlagB*Scene/Setting
good work here.

                                                             
*FlagB*Characters
Writing from a child's point of view is tricky. That's another challenge with a first person narration. Presumably, the narrator is now an adult, recounting the story. But then the narrator is NOT in the here-and-now of events: the narrator, and hence the readers, are distanced from the story.

It's important readers be inside the story, not viewing from a distance. Remember, fiction is different from movies. In movies, you've got music, scenery, the Foley artist, and the emotions of the actors to help create the fictional world. In fiction, all you've got is words in a row: you have to make all that happen in the heads of the readers. If you engage the readers' imaginations effectively, your fictional world can become more real than the best movie, but this only happens if the reader is inside your story.

So, if you use a first person narrator, you need to have the narrator describe things as they are happening (even if you write in the fictional past). In this case, that means the narrator has to sound like she's a child, including choice of words and sentence structure. That's really hard to do. It also makes stimulating the readers' imaginations more challenging, since you're limited to the child's understanding and descriptive abilities. A third person limited narrator, in this case, would be easier to write. On the other hand, a child's understanding is perfect for the events, even though it's technically more difficult to write.

                                                             
*FlagB*Grammar
*Exclaim* Comma Splices.*Exclaim*
A comma splice occurs when you have two complete sentences joined by a comma where a period or semicolon should be used. I've marked one or more of these in the line-by-line comments below.

                                                             
*FlagB*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

I liked this story. It has an important theme, and the final line is powerful. I've made a few comments above about how you might tweak the prose to make it more intimate and immediate for your readers, but it's quite good as is. Thank you for asking me to read it.

                                                             
*FlagB*Line-by-line remarks
*Bullet*Your text is in BLUE.
*Bullet*My comments are in RED.
*Bullet*If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GREEN.
                                                             
*Cut*It was clear that there would be no playing today, I had to sit next to mother at this old desk in the corner of a large room filled with strange people.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: comma splice *Exclaim*

*Cut*I am very curious about the mysterious room and the little man.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: telling…is there a way you can show being curious through word and deed? *Exclaim*

*Cut*If you use your imagination you can see them looking exactly like ducks. I launched them into the murky water and watched them slowly sink and changed color. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: The first sentence is in the fictional present, while the second is in the fictional past. It's best to be consistent. *Exclaim*

*Cut*I heard footsteps and I peaked over mother's shoulder and watched as two police officers wrestled the violent man away. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Phrases like "I heard" filter the sensory information through your character. Since this is a first person narrative, any sound she reports is necessarily something she heard, so readers will readily infer she "heard" it. Indeed, that little step of inference helps to draw them into your story. If you want to emphasize she "heard" it, then have her react in some way. *Exclaim*

                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*


Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!


Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out my {x-link:http://maxgriffin.net/LongMusings.shtml}


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of One Mistake  
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Rated: E | (4.0)
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Item Reviewed: "One Mistake
Author Storygirl95
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart*

                                                             
*FlagB*What I liked best
The story and characters came to life in the encounter at the Farmer's Market.

                                                             
*FlagB*Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

The first thousand words of this story--over a third of the story--are all narrated background. I have the feeling that the point-of-view character is sitting in a chair across from me telling me her story. That's the problem--she's telling story. I'm not inside her head, experience the here-and-now of unfolding events. Instead, I'm imagining she's telling me the story in a disembodied kind of way. It's like an extended voice-over in a movie that tells a story rather than showing it on the screen.

Certainly, there are important events in this opening narration that the author needs to know. There are even things about your fictional world that the reader needs to know. But modern readers expect to encounter these things holistically, the way they encounter the real world. The story-telling technique for doing this is to put the reader in the head of your point-of-view character and then, through the words and deeds of your character in evolving, real-world action, reveal the basic facts of the story. What's missing here is the evolving, real-word action. That does happen, eventually, in the farmer's market, but it needs to begin in the first sentence and continue throughout the story.

                                                             
*FlagB*Plot
Hitchcock famously said that the audience cares about the characters. The plot, he said, is there to give the characters something to care about. There's truth to that for short stories as well.

Here, you have a character who wants something--to undo the mistake she made in breaking up with the love of her life. There are obvious obstacles. For one, she broke up with him. For another, she's been told by his best friend to never make contact with him again. She's in a downward spiral of grief over her mistake, so the stakes of not achieving her goal are high. Goals, obstacles, and stakes lead to tension and are the building blocks of plot. You've got all three in this story, so you've got a terrific plot. The problem, as I see it, is that the tension is a minor element of the story as written. There is a lot of time spent on her grief over the loss of her love, but she doesn't quite have a plan on what to do until she spots him in the market. Even there, instead of confronting the conflict between goal and obstacle, her first thought is to flee. Instead, he takes the initiative and contacts her--but in an almost indifferent and unintentionally hurtful way. This tends to dissipate whatever tension existed. Without tension, stories tend to meander.

It might be that I've mis-identified the tension and/or the emotions of the characters. You know them better than I ever could. But I think your story needs more attention to tension and stakes and less to the emotional blackness she's experiencing. Maybe she's cutting herself, or plans to otherwise hurt herself, or she's engaged in some other destructive behavior. What are the risks of not getting her goal or otherwise moving on?

                                                             
*FlagB*Style and Voice
First person narration. Unless I missed it, the narrator is nameless. I get that she's got identity problems and this may the source of your choice to not name her. Du Maurier did the same thing with the narrator of "Rebecca." However, naming her helps draw characters into her head and thus helps establish the fictional dream. In many other ways, you've established her weak self-image, so I'm not convinced that not naming her is essential.

                                                             
*FlagB*Scene/Setting
Sufficient for staging. You do mention memories of the scent of his cologne, and memories of strawberry and chocolate, but these sensations are remote because they are narrated and memories, not something in the here-and-now. If, on the other hand, the hair on her nick prickled at the scent of his cologne there in the farmer's market, that would would make the encounter more intimate and immediate for readers. The point is that setting and sensations can and should enhance character and plot as well set the scene.

                                                             
*FlagB*Characters
This is, ultimately, a character study. She's credible enough--we've all felt that way at one time in our lives, although perhaps not as obsessively as this character.

                                                             
*FlagB*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

The prose in this story is a joy to read. It flows naturally, and conveys a sense of helpless despair that is, I think, central to the character. As I noted above, though, there is little to no action in the story until the farmer's market. Once in the here-and-now of unfolding events, the plot and characters come to life. This is hard to do, and you did it well.

I don't have much to add in the line-by-line comments as the prose is well done. Thanks for sharing. I enjoyed your story.

                                                             
*FlagB*Line-by-line remarks
*Bullet*Your text is in BLUE.
*Bullet*My comments are in RED.
*Bullet*If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GREEN.
                                                             
*Cut*It was made clear to me I was never to speak to him again.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This bit of passive voice is an example of the narrator standing outside the story, looking in. What exactly did the best friend say? What was his tone of voice? Where was he? What was the narrator doing when he said it? How did she react? Did she have photos of her ex in the apartment, or had she purged them already? These little details can bring this to life and make it more real for the readers. *Exclaim*

                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*


Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!


Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out my {x-link:http://maxgriffin.net/LongMusings.shtml}


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Rated: E | (4.0)
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*Smile* Hi. My name is Max. I found your story on "Please Review. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

Item Reviewed: "A DIRTY T-SHIRT IN CHURCH
Author Donkey Hoetay
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart*

                                                             
*FlagB*What I liked best
I love stories with a twist, and this one delivered.

At first I thought this might be a riff on one of my all-time favorite stories, "Le Jongleur de Notre Dame" by Anatole France. You certainly set up the hypocrisy in the church perfectly. But the twist you provided was more jolting, if less uplifting.

                                                             
*FlagB*Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

Your opening paragraph orients the reader and does a reasonable job of introducing the old man, but doesn't really put us in his head. Indeed, in the second paragraph we essentially hop to Sister Virgnia's head. I'll say more about this in a moment.

                                                             
*FlagB*Plot
Awesome plot, good foreshadowing from the opening paragraph, and lots of tension.

                                                             
*FlagB*Style and Voice
This story uses an omniscient narrator, in which the author stands outside the fictional events, looking in. The author knows the internal thoughts of all the characters; in fact, the author knows everything.

This narrative style dominated 19th century literature and continued well into the 20th. However, it has all but disappeared from commercial fiction today. About 30% of all contemporary fiction uses a first person narrator, while the overwhelming majority of the remainder uses third person limited.

In third person limited, for each scene the author chooses one character to provide the point of view. The reader can know what that character sees, hears, smells, and otherwise senses. The reader can know what that character thinks, as well. But the reader has to infer these things about all the other characters through their words and deeds. The idea is that the author places the readers into the head of one character, and then the readers encounter the fictional world through that character in a holistic manner, the same way we encounter the real world. That's supposed to help draw the reader into the story and thus into the fictional world.

A novel can--and usually does--have many point-of-view characters, but there should be only one for each scene. Usually a short story will have only one point-of-view character.

Which brings me to this story. The theme of this story is visceral and personal. The change that happens in Sister Virginia in the final paragraph, in her perception of whose fingers are really unclean, is what makes the story. You should stay in her rigid, compassionless head from the very beginning. I'd have her see the man in the t-shirt looking at the sign outside the church. She's repelled by him, of course, as you ably show later. She might even see a sneer on his face as he's reading the sign, leaving the reader to wonder why he's sneering and why he turns on his heel to walk into the church for mass. Stay with her throughout, her gaze hovering hawk-like over the whole ceremony. But when she overhears the confession, sees what happens, that's when she has an epiphany and her world--and the readers' worlds--changes. Make it intimate and immediate for her, and it will be intimate and immediate for the readers.

Most of my line-by-line comments for this story involving pointing out places where the point of view hops from one character to another. Each of these interrupt the here-and-now of events, the fictional dream, and the intimacy of the story. It's not hard to fix these, and you'll have a much more powerful story as a consequence.

                                                             
*FlagB*Characters
Despite the outward events, this story is about Sister Virginia: she's the one who changes.

                                                             
*FlagB*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

I think I've made the above comments before in another review of one of your stories, but they really apply to this one. This is a powerful story with a jolting ending--the ending being how Sister Virginia's life has turned upside down. It's an awesome story as is...but it can be even better by using just one point of view throughout.

                                                             
*FlagB*Line-by-line remarks
*Bullet*Your text is in BLUE.
*Bullet*My comments are in RED.
*Bullet*If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GREEN.
                                                             
*Cut*Seconds earlier, he had been stooping,*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: I'm not a big fan of time reversals, especially mini-ones like this in an opening paragraph. They tend to interrupt the natural flow of events in the here-and-now and thus degrade the fictional dream. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Although she was only treasurer of Our Lady of the Rosary Church,*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Here, the story stops while the narrator tells the reader some background information about Virginia... *Exclaim*

*Cut*she inhaled the beautiful swell of the organ.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: So...Virginia is the POV character? Or is it the man in the white t-shirt in the opening paragraph? Or is this an omniscient narrator? *Exclaim*

*Cut*He looked up to the rafters and admired the construction of the curved collar beams.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: The "admired" tells us what's going on in his mind, so we've hopped into his head here. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Father Alvarez felt good. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: and now we're in the Priest's head. *Exclaim*

*Cut*The organist struck up the introduction to Hymn two hundred and seven, startling the gardener. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: in the gardner's head. *Exclaim*

*Cut*She wanted it obvious to the stranger, *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Virginia's head...I'll stop pointing out the head-hops now. *Exclaim*

*Cut**Cut*Three doves in the rafters flapped their wings in aerial confusion and she screamed at the loss of tranquility.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: nice symbolic touch *Exclaim*

                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*


Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!


Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out my essay   on short stories.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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Item Reviewed: "Immortals- Chapter 1
Author Alex Catt
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart*

                                                             
*FlagB*What I liked best
I like Skylar--everything about her. Her voice is absolutely amazing. She's funny and vulnerable at the same time. She's an awesome character who just pops off the page and springs to life.

                                                             
*FlagB*Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

Your opening accomplishes some basic tasks. Most importantly, we meet Skylar and learn fundamental facts about her. Her personality shines...or maybe glitters, but she's still a magnificent creation.

Still, there are some ways you could improve this. Because you start by directly addressing the reader, this really puts the reader outside the story, looking in. Instead, you want the readers to experience the here-and-now of the story from inside your fictional world. Generally, that means you want to put them inside Skylar's head, as she lives and breathes and interacts with that world. Thus, I'd start right before the guard speaks. Maybe she smells him and wrinkles her nose, or he casts a shadow across her cell--assuming she's in a cell. Put the reader inside Skylar's head by having her be sensing and doing in her confinement. Then when the guard speaks, readers will hear him through her ears.

Secondly, the opening should give us a bit more information about where this is happening. We learn much later, for example, that apparently everyone lives underground since there's a reference to exile to the surface. That's an important tidbit that I'd consider sneaking in earlier. We learn later that Skylar is under 18. From the outset, her voice suggests she's younger, but confirming this earlier in some fashion would be helpful, too.

I don't want to discourage what you've got here though--keep the focus on Skylar, as she's the star, and she's a worthy one indeed.

                                                             
*FlagB*Plot
The plot is less clear.

Generally, your protagonist wants something--has a goal. The goal matters--those are the stakes. Finally, there are obstacles to achieving the goal. The combination of goals, stakes and obstacles create conflict, tension and plot.

At the same time, the readers have to care about your protagonist. The goals are there to give Skylar something to care about. The readers will care about Skylar, and you'd done a terrific job of making her engaging and likable. But she needs to want something.

The main goals don't have to appear in the first chapter, but Skylar still needs to have a goal and an obstacle. Out of these two, we get tension. Right now, there's not a lot of tension. I could several minor tweaks that would add goals and tension--the conflict with her father, for example, or being accepted as transgendered. Those seem implicit in what you've written, but not articulated in a way that clearly contributes to plot or tension.

                                                             
*FlagB*Hook
The hook is what keeps readers turning the page to the next chapter. The sparks flying could be that, except that there were sparks earlier and nothing happened. Thus, there's no threat to Skylar. Instead of a cliff-hanger, which is an excellent hook, we just end in another set of sparks.

This blog is a great discussion of the various kinds of hooks authors use. You might glance at it.
http://thebookdoctorbd.blogspot.com/2011/09/using-...

                                                             
*FlagB*Style and Voice
First person. Did I say how much I enjoyed being in Skylar's head?

                                                             
*FlagB*Referencing
You've threaded several hints about your fictional world--enough to provide context without the dreaded info-dump. For my taste, you had just the right amount--you told us what we needed to know to understand the here-and-now events unfolding on the page.

                                                             
*FlagB*Grammar
*Exclaim* Comma Splices.*Exclaim*
A comma splice occurs when you have two complete sentences joined by a comma where a period or semicolon should be used. I've marked one or more of these in the line-by-line comments below.

                                                             
*FlagB*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

Overall, I thought you did a great job introducing Skylar. If you give her some clearer goals and obstacles--and thus add some tension--you'll have an equally terrific opening chapter.

                                                             
*FlagB*Line-by-line remarks
*Bullet*Your text is in BLUE.
*Bullet*My comments are in RED.
*Bullet*If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GREEN.
                                                             
*Cut* A beaten up metal desk sits in the middle of the large, well lit atrium, surrounded by armed officers on all sides.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: "large" is one of those adverbs that don't really add anything to the description. Is it "airy," or maybe "cavernous?" A more precise adjective, or even a slightly longer description in Skylar's voice would be better. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Each one of them has a ray gun slung over their shoulders (they're kinda like these things that they used in the old days called tasers, but ten times more powerful).*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Most editors will tell you to avoid parenthetic comments. Usually an em-dash or separate sentence is preferable. *Exclaim*

*Cut*I have resist the urge to run a mile.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: missing word? *Exclaim*

*Cut*You see, it turns out you can only put with your fathers god forsaken drinking*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: missing word? *Exclaim*

*Cut*I toss my latest project on the table. Fixing s*** normally takes my mind off things. The newest piece of s*** *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Watch out for repeating words and phrases--they can make your prose seem monotone. Maybe use "crap" for one instance here? *Exclaim*

*Cut*"What's up?" The voice asks much more softly and I hear footsteps moving towards me.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Phrases like "I hear" are telling the reader what she hears. You've established that Skylar is the POV character, so arguably every sound you report is something she heard. It's almost always more intimate and immediate for readers to describe directly what she heard. Readers will have no trouble inferring that she heard it. Indeed, that little step of inference helps keep them in her head. If you want to emphasize she "heard" it, you could have her react in some fashion--which would be the difference between "telling" and "showing." *Exclaim*

*Cut*"They can't exile me yet, I'm not eighteen yet."*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Comma splice *Exclaim*

                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*


Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!


Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out my {x-link:http://maxgriffin.net/LongMusings.shtml}


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
195
195
Review by
Rated: E | (4.0)
Review Spot Review


Item Reviewed: "Why me God: Krystal's Story
Author purplegirl
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart*

                                                             
*FlagB*What I liked best
Great hook to end an opening chapter!!!

                                                             
*FlagB*Style and Voice
This chapter uses an omniscient narrator, or at least sequential third person limimted. With omniscient narration, the author stands outside the fictional events, looking in. The author knows the internal thoughts of all the characters; in fact, the author knows everything.

This narrative style dominated 19th century literature and continued well into the 20th. However, it has all but disappeared from commercial fiction today. About 30% of all contemporary fiction uses a first person narrator, while the overwhelming majority of the remainder uses third person limited.

In third person limited, for each scene the author chooses one character to provide the point of view. The reader can know what that character sees, hears, smells, and otherwise senses. The reader can know what that character thinks, as well. But the reader has to infer these things about all the other characters through their words and deeds. The idea is that the author places the readers into the head of one character, and then the readers encounter the fictional world through that character in a holistic manner, the same way we encounter the real world. That's supposed to help draw the reader into the story and thus into the fictional world.

A novel can--and usually does--have many point-of-view characters, but there should be only one for each scene. This opening chapter is essentially one extended scene, starting with Mrs. Steele and ending with the sound of gunfire at the apartment complex. I think that the intimacy and immediacy of this chapter would be increased if you stayed with Krystal's point of view throughout, although this would require some revision at the end.

On the other hand, one could argue that a second scene starts somewhere between the time she runs off after the muggers and when Kier goes to look for her. One problem, in fact, is that there's not a clear demarcation between scenes, and hence not a clear place to change point of view. Still, it is possible to argue in favor of a change in point of view in the final paragraphs, although I would argue against such a move. We've been with Krystal through most of this chapter. Concluding with a hook while your still in her head would, in my view, be more intimate and immediate for readers.

I mentioned that this was "sequential" third person limited. For the first 3/4 of the chapter, we are in Krystal's head. But toward the end, we hop into Lee's and then into Kier's. I've marked the transition points where this happens in the line-by-line remarks below.

My other suggestion for this chapter is to re-read it looking for opportunities to replace telling with showing, the latter always being more effective than the former. See, for example, my comments below regarding the opening, which is largely the narrator telling the reader things as opposed to revealing the information through the words and deeds of the characters. I've several other places where similar narration stops the action--interrupts the here-and-now of events.

You've got some great characters here, and lots of good action and opportunity for tension in this chapter. There are also excellent insights into the characters, who show depth and good planning on your part. The problem is one of craft--i.e., showing these things as opposed to telling.

                                                             
*FlagB*Plot
Good start for your plot. Something is clearly going to happen to Krystal which will up-end her life and her belief system.

The basic elements of plot involve giving your protagonist a goal and putting obstacles in the way of her achieving that goal. The goal has to matter, i.e., there have to be stakes--consequences of failure. Tension comes from increasing the obstacles and stakes. We're not quite far enough along in the novel here in chapter to know Krystal's goals--I have a feeling we'll get those in the next chapter, as part of the aftermath of the mugging. Still, I would like to have a better sense of Krystal's current goals for her life--that will help us understand the consequences of the outcome of the mugging and the subsequent goals that will likely consume the novel.

                                                             
*FlagB*Referencing
Modern era, no inconsistencies.

                                                             
*FlagB*Scene/Setting
This was sufficient for staging, but I could have used a bit more detail, using more of Krystal's senses to help stimulate the readers' imaginations. I admit that's a matter of taste and style, but this seemed a bit sparse to me.

                                                             
*FlagB*Characters
Interesting characters throughout, complete with credible quirks that make them more believable.

                                                             
*FlagB*Grammar
*Exclaim* Apostrophes.*Exclaim*
I thought I saw some repeating errors on apostrophe use. You might glance at this page for clarification:
https://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/621/01...

                                                             
*FlagB*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

The comments above on telling vs. showing and on point of view are extensions of the above basic concept. It also informs many of the comments in the line-by-line remarks below.

I think you've got a good first chapter. You've created believable characters with detailed backgrounds. You've clearly got a well-developed plot and theme. Best of all, you've got a good hook at the end of the chapter.

                                                             
*FlagB*Line-by-line remarks
*Bullet*Your text is in BLUE.
*Bullet*My comments are in RED.
*Bullet*If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GREEN.
                                                             
*Cut*"Mrs. Steele you know that I would not rip you off," Krystal Meyers told the eighty-something year old. Mrs. Steele had a complaint for just about everything. Most people actually could not stand her snobbish, bossy ways, but Krystal did not mind. She knew that Mrs. Steele was lonely and lost without her husband. In reality, she was a really cheerful giver. Plus Krystal could be bossy and stubborn herself.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

This opening names your point of view character, has her doing something, and orients the reader as to the location and ages of the two characters. It also starts in the middle of action. These are all things that any good opening should do, so good job!

There are some ways, though, that I would suggest to improve things. First, it's generally better to establish the point of view first, before anyone speaks. The idea is that the readers should be inside Krystal's head first, reacting the irascible Mrs. Steele. The whole idea of third person limited is that readers experience the here-and-now of the story through the POV character's sensations.

Secondly, there is a lot of telling in this opening. We learn that Mrs. Steele complains a lot, that she's unliked because of her manner, and that Krystal is a cheerful giver. The problem is that we are told all these facts, which stops the story cold. Readers expect to encounter your fictional world holistically, the same way they encounter the real world. Thus, instead of telling us that Mrs. Steele is snobbish and bossy, show her being these things through her words and deeds. Let the readers conclude that those are her character traits. Similarly, show Kristal being a cheerful caregiver instead of telling the reader she is.
*Exclaim*


*Cut*Mrs. Steele then proceeded to recall one of Krystal's past escapades. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This launches a couple of paragraphs of narrated background. This is surely important information, but it's all told rather than shown. See my comments above... *Exclaim*

"Yep. *Cut*Its me again."*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: typo: should be "let's" with an apostrophe. Same error earlier with "lets" instead of "let's." *Exclaim*

*Cut*"Hows everything going with your plans for the Retreat."*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: another apostrophe error, plus this should end with a question mark.... *Exclaim*

*Cut*Meanwhile, Lee was in complete shock. He had heard of Krys doing some stupid things, but really! He didn't know what to do, so he ran to Jeremy's apartment. He figured Jeremy would know best what to do.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Here, we've jumped from Krystal's head to Lee's. *Exclaim*

*Cut* Keir could not believe this was actually happening. "which way?"*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: ...and now we are in Keir's head... *Exclaim*

                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*


Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!


Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out my {x-link:http://maxgriffin.net/LongMusings.shtml}


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
196
196
Review of The 19th Green  
Review by
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Review Spot Review


Item Reviewed: "The 19th Green
Author Donkey Hoetay
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart*

                                                             
*FlagB*What I liked best
I love stories that play with what's real and what's not. This one had a lovely "Twilight Zone" feel to it, along with some great characterization. The prose is wonderful, too, with many vibrant descriptions. Your opening paragraph is but one example, using both sight and scent to set the scene:
The early morning rays glanced off the dew on the freshly cut grass near hole one. The smell of the azaleas wafting over the virgin turf would have fueled any golfer's enthusiasm,


                                                             
*FlagB*Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

As I noted above, your opening has some fine prose. It also orients the reader in space and time, and anticipates the plot.

                                                             
*FlagB*Plot
The first hint as to what kind of story this might was the narrated bit about Danny's accident. His disappearance was another big clue, along with the "black robed" golfer. This foreshadowing makes for a satisfying story and contributes to the story arc. One minor suggestion would be to add a touch of foreshadowing to the opening, perhaps in the name of the of course (maybe "Elysian Hills" or some such?), or adding a reference to "heaven" in the descriptions.

One thing that I'm uncertain about is Mike's status. His "bride" has apparently arrived and is awaiting him at the chapel, so I've got a pretty good idea--especially since the group on the fifth tee doesn't appear to interact with him. However, if I'm right, then why does Danny say he hopes they see each other again? I think I know the answer, but in this case more clarity would be helpful.

                                                             
*FlagB*Style and Voice
This story uses an omniscient narrator, in which the author stands outside the fictional events, looking in. The author knows the internal thoughts of all the characters; in fact, the author knows everything.

This narrative style dominated 19th century literature and continued well into the 20th. However, it has all but disappeared from commercial fiction today. About 30% of all contemporary fiction uses a first person narrator, while the overwhelming majority of the remainder uses third person limited.

In third person limited, for each scene the author chooses one character to provide the point of view. The reader can know what that character sees, hears, smells, and otherwise senses. The reader can know what that character thinks, as well. But the reader has to infer these things about all the other characters through their words and deeds. The idea is that the author places the readers into the head of one character, and then the readers encounter the fictional world through that character in a holistic manner, the same way we encounter the real world. That's supposed to help draw the reader into the story and thus into the fictional world.

A novel can--and usually does--have many point-of-view characters, but there should be only one for each scene. Short stories almost always have only one point of view character.

To see that this is an omniscient narrator, note that at various points in time the reader knows what's in Mike's head, then in Danny's, and even in the execrable Charles'. In the final paragraphs, there is only the omniscient narrator recounting events.

For a story with such an intimate message I think having a single point of view is essential. If you were to re-work it to be exclusively in Mike's POV, for example, I think that the emotional punch would be much greater. I also think that being in Mike's--or Danny's--POV would improve the clarity questions I had above. Indeed, you could retain ambiguity as Danny completes his journey, while Mike is still in passage, so to speak.

                                                             
*FlagB*Characters
Lovely, credible characters, even the nasty Billups.

                                                             
This is professional writing with little to whine about. I think I found only one complaint.

*FlagB*Grammar
*Exclaim* Comma Splices.*Exclaim*
A comma splice occurs when you have two complete sentences joined by a comma where a period or semicolon should be used. I've marked one or more of these in the line-by-line comments below.

                                                             
*FlagB*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

My comments above on POV are all directed toward the idea of a fictional dream. I'm afraid my comments emphasize this in some detail, but that's because I really like this story and your incredible prose. You have a lot of talent for characterization and description. Tweaking this with third person limited would greatly improve an already fine story.

Thank you for sharing!

                                                             
*FlagB*Line-by-line remarks
*Bullet*Your text is in BLUE.
*Bullet*My comments are in RED.
*Bullet*If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GREEN.
                                                             
*Cut*The course at Eaglecrest had never looked more spectacular.

*Cut*The early morning rays glanced off the dew on the freshly cut grass near hole one.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: or maybe "the first tee," to be more precise on location. *Exclaim*

The smell of the azaleas wafting over the virgin turf would have fueled any golfer's enthusiasm, and it certainly was not wasted on the pair warming up at the first tee.

Mike Webber filled his lungs with the crisp morning. He twisted in an arc with his club across the small of his back. "Doesn't get any better than this, Danny. Nothing beats being first on the course."

Daniel Frost wore a cheeky smile. He had been waiting for Mike to say those two sentences, and they came on cue, just like clockwork. "No, I suppose not."*Cut*
*Exclaim*My Comment: While I liked this opening, note that it is omniscient POV. The first two paragraphs consist of the narrator, standing outside the story--as opposed to inside one of the characters--describing the scene. Hitchcock famously said that the audience cares about the characters while the plot is there to give the characters something to care about. The same would be true about setting. The description is lovely, but it doesn't draw the readers into the story because it doesn't draw them into a character.

In the fourth paragraph, Mike "fills his lungs" and "twists in an arc." Those are great actions that put the reader in his head.

But then in the text paragraph, we learn that Mike had been waiting for Mike to say those words, so we hop to his head. Thus, we have an omniscient narrator, and we've lost the intimacy and immediacy that third person limited would bring. *Exclaim*


*Cut*What do you say, are you interested?"*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: comma splice *Exclaim*

*Cut*He's going to join us over on the tenth hole and we can play the last nine as a threesome.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Maybe it's a regional difference--I would have said "tenth tee" here again. Alternatively, I wonder if they are really on a golf course? Maybe the "holes" are, ahem, something else? (I'm trying to not spoil the twist for anyone who might read this review before the story!) *Exclaim*

*Cut*"Nice shot, Danny boy." An expression of longing softened Mike's face. He patted the young man on the back and watched him shoulder his golf bag. They got along well together despite their age difference. Mike wanted him to be the best golfer to ever come out of Macon County and looked out for him like a son. The son he had longed to have with his wife. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: I'm highlighting this paragraph so you can see the omniscient point of view. Since Mike can't see his expression soften, that description is in Danny's head looking at Mike. But the latter part of the paragraph tells the reader what's in Mike's head--his hopes and desires for Danny, and the missing son. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Mike gave him his best answer,*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Put the actual words in his mouth: don't narrate that he answered, have him answer. *Exclaim*

                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*


Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!


Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out my {x-link:http://maxgriffin.net/LongMusings.shtml}


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
197
197
Review of The Sixteenth Day  
Review by
Rated: E | (4.0)
Review Spot Review


Item Reviewed: "The Sixteenth Day
Author Mahir Tazwar
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart*

                                                             
*FlagB*What I liked best
I love stories with twist endings--especially when the ending is plausible. Great job!

                                                             
*FlagB*Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

I liked your opening. You name your point-of-view character, it foreshadows the plot, it has lots of tension, and orients the reader in space and time.

I have only two suggestions. First, I'd launch with Tariq doing something as opposed to thinking something. Maybe he peers at his watch and frowns, then he thinks. That puts the readers in his head from the very first sentence, as opposed to wondering who is thinking.

Secondly, most places you've used italics to denote internal thoughts, which is the editorial standard. I'd do that here, too. Also, the editorial standard is to use only italics to mark internal thoughts, and avoid tags like "he thought."

                                                             
*FlagB*Plot
Tariq waits for fiance to consummate their plans to elope. Where is she? Who is that mysterious old guy watching him from across the street? Excellent tension, and you keep cranking it tighter and tighter throughout.

                                                             
*FlagB*Style and Voice
Third person limited, in Tariq's head. No slips.

                                                             
*FlagB*Referencing
I gather we are in an Asian city from the reference to rickshaws. Otherwise, this is any crowded urban scene.

                                                             
*FlagB*Scene/Setting

                                                             
*FlagB*Characters
Sufficient for staging and more--you used the crowded street to help with tension and uncertainty.

                                                             
*FlagB*Grammar
*Exclaim* Comma Splices.*Exclaim*
A comma splice occurs when you have two complete sentences joined by a comma where a period or semicolon should be used. I've marked one or more of these in the line-by-line comments below.

Some of your phrases are a little unusual, which makes me think English may not be your native tongue. I had no trouble understanding, and rather enjoyed your use of language--in particular, I found nothing to flag except a couple of minor typos.

                                                             
*FlagB*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story. Most of my comments above and below derive from these basic ideas.

I liked this story a lot. Stories about memory are ultimately about reality and perception, and you played this one well. It reminded me a bit of the film "Memento," at least in terms of the anterograde amnesia.

Edgar Allen Poe wrote that a short story should end as soon as possible after the climax. In the case of this story, that would be the reveal when the old man speaks to Tariq. I think this would be a more effective story if you could tighten the ending quite a bit--perhaps cut a page or so--but I'd for sure end at the cemetery as you do now.

Thanks for sharing. I enjoyed reading this story!

                                                             
*FlagB*Line-by-line remarks
*Bullet*Your text is in BLUE.
*Bullet*My comments are in RED.
*Bullet*If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GREEN.
                                                             
*Cut*After all those persuasion and fight with their minds they finally decided to go against all odds, to marry.*Cut**Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This is one of the places where the phrasing and word use seemed a little unusual to me. *Exclaim*

*Cut*A sudden whizzing sound of a car hauled him back into reality. He looked at his both sides. Still no sign of her.Longest 45 minutes of my life. He said to himself*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Good use of action/reaction here. But "both his sides" is another unusual turn of phrase--maybe "all around him?" Finally, as noted above, you don't need a "thought tag" to with the "Longest 45 minutes." *Exclaim*

*Cut*He regretted the fact that they still didn't have their own cell phones, after all cell phones were the luxuries of very few people. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: comma splice *Exclaim*

*Cut*His confusion left him into a dizzy state.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: telling as opposed to showing: maybe the world whirls about him. *Exclaim*

*Cut*A knock at the door of the booth knocked the night off his head. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Be careful about repeating words and phrases--"knock" in this case. Repetitions run the risk of making your prose seem monotone. *Exclaim*

*Cut*and turned sharply into a deserted ally.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: typo: alley, not ally. *Exclaim*

*Cut*"The taxi was wrecked very badly."*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Mark Twain said that whenever he was tempted to use the word "very," he would instead use a cuss word. He know his editor would delete the profanity, and then his prose would look as it should have in the first place. The point is that words like "very" don't add any information and just serve as little speed bumps that slow down your prose. *Exclaim*


                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*


Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!


Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out my {x-link:http://maxgriffin.net/LongMusings.shtml}


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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198
Review by
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Review Spot Review


Item Reviewed: "Cambria: The White Voyager
Author Hetzer
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart*

                                                             
*FlagB*What I liked best
Mercer and Baren are strong characters with depth and credibility. In addition, you clearly have a detailed and intricate fictional world with a well-conceived plot. Good job!

                                                             
*FlagB*Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

Your opening should, in addition, establish the point of view (more on that below) and orient the reader in time and place. You establish Mercer as the point-of-view character in paragraph two by telling us what he "hardly expected," and the reference to the Imperial Calvary and bullets flying gives a sense of the time and place. Thus, your opening accomplishes the basic tasks.

                                                             
*FlagB*Style and Voice
Here's where I think the opening could use improvement. This chapter more-or-less uses Mercer for the point-of-view character, but it has lapses into omniscient narration. As an example, the second paragraph of your opening tells the readers, "Baren had always been a rather pessimistic person." That's the narrator, standing outside the story, telling the reader things. If you phrased this so that it was Mercer's reaction to Baren's statement, it would be stronger. For example, "Mercer rolled his eyes at Baren's pessimism" conveys the same information, but Mercer is reacting to Baren's statement.

Another issue is starting a scene--or an entire book--with dialogue. That almost automatically puts the reader outside the story, looking in. Readers need to hear Baren's words with Mercer's ears, so you need to first establish Mercer as the POV character. Perhaps he's doing or sensing something. Maybe his armor binds, or sweat burns his eyes--a sensation that puts the reader inside his head. THEN you can have Baren speak, and readers will know it's Mercer who hears the words: you will have established the POV.

There are several other places where the point of view breaks while the narrator intrudes to tell the readers things. To be sure, these are important things, but they need to be shown, not told. I'm noted several of these in the line-by-line remarks below.

                                                             
*FlagB*Plot
The immediate plot of this scene is, of course, surviving the battle. The larger plot--why they are fighting--is defeating the vampires. Since the vampires have done evil things, that establishes the stakes. The combination of goals (what the POV character wants), obstacles (the vampires), and stakes (the consequences of failure) are the building blocks of plot. You've got all three working here.

                                                             
*FlagB*Hook
The hook at the end involves the information from the spy, which in turn escalates the stakes. Raising the stakes is a great way to increase the tension, but I'm not quite sure that you've got an effective hook. This blog has an excellent discussion of hooks:
http://thebookdoctorbd.blogspot.com/2011/09/using-...

                                                             
*FlagB*Referencing
As I noted above, you clearly have an intricate and detailed fictional world. Readers will want to encounter that world holistically, the way they encounter the real world. The vehicle for doing this is through the words and deeds of your characters and not through narrative summaries. Editors and agents dislike these kinds of summaries and have a name for them: the "info-dump." They stop the action of the story cold and pull readers out of the here-and-now of ongoing events. I've flagged several of these in the line-by-line remarks.

                                                             
*FlagB*Scene/Setting
Good writing here--but try to keep the scene setting in Mercer's POV.

                                                             
*FlagB*Grammar
*Exclaim* Fragments.*Exclaim*
I noticed quite a few sentence fragments, especially in the dialogue. I understand that you are conveying patterns of speech for your characters, but an author should carefully consider any stylistic choice that calls attention to itself. The fragments became noticeable and made the dialogue feel a bit choppy--at least to my ear. You might try reading out loud and see how it feels.

*Exclaim* Adverbs.*Exclaim* You don't overuse adverbs (well, there are at least 80 in this chapter), but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust. *Rolleyes* I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

                                                             
*FlagB*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story. MOst of the above comments and the line-by-line remarks below are based on the idea of the fictional dream.

You've got great characters, a lot of tension, a gruesome battle scene, and an intricate and well-conceived fictional world. I've got some tweaks to suggest, but it looks to me like you're off to a great start! Thanks for sharing.

                                                             
*FlagB*Line-by-line remarks
*Bullet*Your text is in BLUE.
*Bullet*My comments are in RED.
*Bullet*If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GREEN.
                                                             
*Cut*Kimbolt was a man who looked rather intimidating,*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: The story stops in this paragraph while the narrator describes Kimbolt, describes his combat gear, and gives a bit of history. Do readers need to know this at this instant in order to understand the here-and-now of evolving events? If no, take it out. If yes, then find a way to put it in Mercer's head. For example, Mercer could look at him and wonder how he managed to not sweat like everyone else and go from there. *Exclaim*

*Cut*There were about thirty men present in this division of cavalry. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: two more paragraphs of narrator intrustion... *Exclaim*

*Cut*Kimbolt, impatience now clearly showing, *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: How is it showing? Be specific. Does he scowl, roll his eyes, turn his mouth down, how? *Exclaim*

*Cut*"You're a bloody idiot."
He said, shaking his head while approaching his unlikely friend.*Cut*
*Exclaim*My Comment: This is one of many places where the tag--"he said"--appears in a new paragraph rather than the same one as the speech. The standard would be the following:
"You're a bloody idiot," he said, shaking his head while approaching his unlikely friend.

Note that the speech ends with a comma and the "he" in "he said" is not capitalized. *Exclaim*


*Cut*"Aye, that I know," Baren said, voice tinged with a hiss from the pain he was experiencing, "might as well try to convince the bastard not to get us all killed, though."*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Most of the time--as here--you are doing your dialogue tags correctly. *Exclaim*

*Cut*The ride was a long and hard one. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: The narrator intrudes to summarize the action. Not needed, since the rest of the paragraph shows the summary. Showing is always stronger than telling, and summaries are nearly always telling. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Mercer had a mind sharper than those of most men. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: The rest of this paragraph is the narrator telling the reader things--this stops the story. *Exclaim*

*Cut*"Who is my father," he corrected, "well he was a squire most his life.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This is still an info-dump, even though it's in dialogue. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Baren looked over for the briefest of times, a look of empathy on his face*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: He can't see his face, so this is a POV violation. *Exclaim*

*Cut*There was the momentary sound of a click from behind a nearby bush followed by a startlingly loud crack and brief white flash. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: "startlingly loud" tells rather than shows. Describe the sound directly--a sharp crack--and then have Mercer react in a way that shows he's startled. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Mercer reached for his flintlock pistol, a weapon fashioned from polished mahogany and aging brass. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: In the heat of battle, Mercer's not going to be thinking these things about his weapon, so this is again the narrator intruding to tell the reader things. Especially now, in the heat of battle, you want the reader inside the action, not standing outside listening to the narrator. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Dirt was kicked up near both Mercer and Baren's feet from the impact of bullets as they ran.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Passive voice, which puts your readers in a passive, receptive mood. Instead, you want them to be your active partners in imagining the events. Thus, I'd recommend "The impact of bullets kicked up dust..." *Exclaim*

*Cut*The handle was wrapped in some kind of cloth*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: what kind of cloth? Be specific. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Mercer knew these were ancient forests,*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Another info-dump. *Exclaim*

                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*


Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!


Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out my {x-link:http://maxgriffin.net/LongMusings.shtml}


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
199
199
Review by
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Review Spot Review


Item Reviewed: "The Devil's Empire: Chapter 1
Author AuthorS
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart*

                                                             
*FlagB*What I liked best
You clearly have created a detailed and intricate backstory for this novel, including fictional empires with exploitative Gulf colonies, internecine jealousies, and court intrigue. This shows you've given considerable thought to the details, historical, cultural, and personal, of your fictional world.

                                                             
*FlagB*Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

I have to say, I think your opening needs some tweaking. In particular, the long narrated background that starts in paragraph two will likely lose many readers, editors, and agents. You might consider glancing at "Inside or Outside for some general suggestions on opening scenes.

                                                             
*FlagB*Plot
This is, of course, the strength of this chapter--although I'm uncertain who the protagonist will be. Is it Maurice or Tolus? In this chapter, though, we are mostly in Maurice's head. He has some clear goals--mostly self-aggrandizement, to be sure, but goals still. He also has obstacles. What's less clear is why the goals matter--the stakes. The goals are largely about himself and his own glory. Why should readers care? Goals, obstacles, and especially stakes are the foundation of plot.

That's why I'm wondering if Tolus might be a more attractive character, as he appears to have more depth, even though his goals are less obscure.

Of course, there are the secondary set of problems associated with Maurice's dream. Since this appears in chapter one, it seems clear that the child and his mother aren't dead at all, since otherwise have them appear in chapter one. This is one of the ways in which Tolus's motives appear more subtle--besides his obsequious manner.

                                                             
*FlagB*Hook
The hook is what keeps the readers turning pages. You've got several good candidates, but I think your final paragraphs needs to nail one of them. You might glance at this blog, which has some good thoughts on hooks:
http://thebookdoctorbd.blogspot.com/2011/09/using-...

                                                             
*FlagB*Style and Voice
Mostly this is third person limited in Maurice's head. However, there are several narrated author intrusions and it loses the intimacy and immediacy of close third person limited as a consequence. See the line-by-line remarks below for some more specific examples.

                                                             
*FlagB*Scene/Setting
Specificity in scene setting is superior to detail, hence adjectives like "large" and "beautiful" don't add much. Descriptions should also flow naturally with unfolding events. My most recent blog deals with this as it pertains to character descriptions, but the basic ideas pertain to setting as well. You might give it a glance:
http://www.maxgriffin.net/blog/describing-characte...

                                                             
*FlagB*Grammar
*Exclaim* Comma Splices.*Exclaim*
A comma splice occurs when you have two complete sentences joined by a comma where a period or semicolon should be used. I've marked one or more of these in the line-by-line comments below.

*Exclaim* Adverbs.*Exclaim* You don't overuse adverbs (well, there are over 90 in this chapter), but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust. *Rolleyes* I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

                                                             
*FlagB*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story. Most of my comments and suggestions build on these basic ideas.

You've got an intricate fictional world that is fraught with conflict. THere is much potential here. This is a good first draft for your opening chapter. Thanks for sharing, and do keep at it!

                                                             
*FlagB*Line-by-line remarks
*Bullet*Your text is in BLUE.
*Bullet*My comments are in RED.
*Bullet*If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GREEN.
                                                             
*Cut*Maurice set the letter down on his desk without looking at it and walked to the large window at the end of his work chamber. The room is one of the largest in the palace. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This launches three paragraphs of narration where there is no action at all. There is an extended description of the room, followed by quite a bit of backstory and some history, but the story stops dead.

Editors and agents hate this kind of thing and have given it a name: the info-dump. Remember, you've got an entire novel to convey this information. Do you readers need to know it right this instant, in order to understand what's happening in the here-and-now of unfolding events? If not, then save it for later.

Modern readers expect to encounter your fictional world holistically, the way they encounter the real world, through the words and deeds of your characters. *Exclaim*


*Cut*The thought saddened him, and when he was done being sad he became angry. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This tells us his emotional state instead of showing it. *Exclaim*

*Cut*poured a cup of wine out of a beautiful golden amphora decorated with precious stones.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: "beautiful" is one of those non-specific adjectives that doesn't really tell the reader anything. Is it ornate or elegant? How is it beautiful? Describe it in a way that lets the reader infer its beauty. This is, again, telling as opposed to showing. *Exclaim*


*Cut*It had been a gift given to his grandfather, King Marien Dellaroise, by the then king of Dalis along with matching golden cups. One of the many priceless artifacts throughout the palace. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: The second sentence is a fragment. Be careful with dependent clauses, too: Is Marien king of the golden cups as well as Dalis? Technically, that's what this says. Finally, does this advance character or plot? If no, then consider whether it's needed at this instant. *Exclaim*

*Cut*He continues before taking a big gulp of wine.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: tense changes from fictional past to fictional present... *Exclaim*

*Cut*His Prime Master was sitting in one of the large wooden chairs*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: "Large" is another of those non-specific adjectives. Give us a sense of scale. *Exclaim*

*Cut*I don’t believe he’s even held a sword before, thought the king.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: The editorial standard is to use italics to indicate the internal thoughts of your character and not use "thought tags." *Exclaim*

*Cut*“Don’t…” the King interrupted angrily. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: this is one of those weak verb/adverb combinations. Perhaps he "snapped?" *Exclaim*

*Cut*Tolus and his family have always given great advice to the King’s of Arizia,*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: typo: no apostrophe *Exclaim*

*Cut*He takes a small sip of his wine,*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: slip from fictional past to fictional present. *Exclaim*

*Cut*“My King you wound me, I want nothing more than to bring honor to Arizia and to my King.”*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: comma splice *Exclaim*



                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*


Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!


Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out my {x-link:http://maxgriffin.net/LongMusings.shtml}


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
200
200
Review of Different  
Review by
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Review Spot Review


Item Reviewed: "Different
Author Ferretparent
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart*

                                                             
*FlagB*What I liked best
I really liked the plot. It's kind of a mix of Speilberg's Taken and the Pretender. It works as a short story, but there's potential here for a novel. Keep writing!

                                                             
*FlagB*Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

Your opening does a pretty good job with the basics of "who, what, when, where, and why," but I have some suggestions. First, I think you should name John in your very first sentence. You launch with the pronoun "he," which has no antecedent and leaves readers wondering if there is some mystery about his name. Giving him a name in the first sentence will help readers identify with him.

However, I have a slightly bigger problem with the opening. This story has a precipitating incident that launches the action: John's confrontation with Mr. Morestone. The problem is that it's told out of order, in a flashback. While flashbacks can be an author's friend, they are a particular challenge in either first chapters or short stories, where the readers are getting to know your characters and their fictional world. In particular in this story, the whole incident with Mr. Morestone, right up to when John answers the door at home, is what sets up the story. Thus, I'd suggest starting with the incident.

You might also add some foreshadowing to this initial incident--an early reference to other times that John has unexpectedly shown unusual talents. For example, Morestone might reference "giving a freak like him a break after what happened with erasers..." or some such. That way we'll be able to infer that he's got talents.

Finally, the line about the CIA is an awesome hook, so you might have the men in black ID themselves as CIA before all goes dark for John.

                                                             
*FlagB*Plot
John is the result of a genetic experiment involving space aliens. It seems he's quite talented...

                                                             
*FlagB*Style and Voice
Third person limited, in John's point of view--except for the final paragraphs, which change to Mrs. Beacon's POV. I'm not quite sure where John and his friends went for this final scene, but if you could continue in John's head, watching what's happening, I think it might be stronger. It's always tricky in a short story have more than one POV character--although you do have only per scene, which is technically sufficient.

                                                             
*FlagB*Referencing
Modern era--or is it? TOday, John would want his mobile phone, for example. On the other hand, he's 17 and this is a result of Roswell, so perhaps the era is supposed to be the 1960s. Adding some clarity might be helpful.

                                                             
*FlagB*Scene/Setting
Sufficient for staging--the position and location of the characters was never in doubt. However, I generally prefer a slightly deeper dive into setting because in can foreshadow things, reveal character, and help nail POV to have John react to his surroundings. As an example, is he still barefoot when he wakes up? If so, maybe the floors are cold against his feet. Maybe the shackles bite into his ankles. Is the place warm, or maybe so chilly his skin prickles? You can add tension with these sensations, too, as when he realizes he's speaking/thinking in the alien tongue.

                                                             
*FlagB*Characters
This is almost entirely about John, with other characters flitting in and out of scenes. That's fine, since this is a short story--or maybe an opening chapter to a novel. However, adding little details about the appearance or mannerisms of the characters can help bring them to life--as you did with the nurse she smiles with her mouth but not her eyes. I wonder if you might add more of that?

                                                             
*FlagB*Grammar
*Exclaim* Comma Splices.*Exclaim*
A comma splice occurs when you have two complete sentences joined by a comma where a period or semicolon should be used. I've marked one or more of these in the line-by-line comments below.

*Exclaim* Commas.*Exclaim*
I thought I saw some comma errors. I'm terrible with commas, so I won't try to point them out. Instead, here's a great reference:
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_c...
I've read it, and they're still a mystery to me. I hope it helps!

*Exclaim* Adverbs.*Exclaim* You don't overuse adverbs (well, there are over 35 in this short piece), but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust. *Rolleyes* I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb. Most of your adverbs are qualifiers, like "only," "really," "slowly," and so on. They tend to make your prose feel tentative and it would be crisper to take them out.

                                                             
*FlagB*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

This story does a good job of putting the reader in John's head. It's clear that he has goals, that the stakes are high, and that he has obstacles to achieving his goals. From this, we get plot and tension. The story ends with a promise of escape and a bit of justice, so overall it's quite satisfying.

I've made a few comments above about structure and pacing, and some other minor remarks below in the line-by-line commments. Overall, I really enjoyed this story. Thanks for sharing!

                                                             
*FlagB*Line-by-line remarks
*Bullet*Your text is in BLUE.
*Bullet*My comments are in RED.
*Bullet*If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GREEN.
                                                             
*Cut*It was then he saw the guard, he would never stand a chance.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: comma splice *Exclaim*

*Cut*The woman looked up in surprise. “He’s the director of the CIA, of course. Come on, let’s go.”*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Ears perk up. This is a great hook. I'd consider moving it as close to the opening as you can. *Exclaim*

*Cut*None of this was his doing and if he ever got out of he would go after Robert Morestone, it was his fault really.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: comma splice *Exclaim*

*Cut* Feeling however that he had somehow done something, but not sure what.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: fragment *Exclaim*

*Cut*"And there's the rub, we can't have you going home just yet. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: comma splice *Exclaim*

*Cut*The alien male was very tall and a shade of green that he had only seen in alien movies.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: "alien" repeats in this sentence. Repeating words and phrases runs the risk of making your prose seem monotone. *Exclaim*

*Cut*“Even if I could, why would I ever want to? Why not just ask him?” John spit out angrily, nodding towards the alien in the corner.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: "Angrily" is one of those adverbs I mentioned. Perhaps he snarled, or shouted, or growled. Even "spit out" is good, and makes the "angrily" unnecessary, except I've had editors tell me you can't "spit" words. Apparently they don't understand metaphor--I like the phrase--but be forewarned. *Exclaim*

*Cut*He stopped speaking when he realized that they had not been talking in English. This time the silence that came was an excited silence as the teenagers took in magnitude of being able to speak their mother tongue. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Hmmm...that feels like a bit of a stretch. Alternatively, also have the sense that they are communicating telepathically, not vocally. I'd believe they might be able to do that without reference to language (maybe). *Exclaim*

*Cut*the sergeant quelled under the look she gave him*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: did you maybe mean the verb "quailed?" *Exclaim*



                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*


Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!


Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
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