Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈's (mathguy) Reviews

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

Review Requests: ON

1,657 Public Reviews Given

3,026 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

In depth, detailed, and supportive.

I'm good at...

Elements of craft that draw readers into your fictional world and your character's head.

Favorite Genres

SciFi, Mystery, Thriller, Horror

Least Favorite Genres

Fantasy

Favorite Item Types

Short stories

Least Favorite Item Types

nonfiction, poetry

I will not review...

I'm only interested in prose fiction. I will not review anything over 4000 words, nor will i review poetry. If you have a longer piece, please divide it into bite-sized chunks.

201

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4112783

Review of The Curious Android

Review by

Rated: E

| (4.0)

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Hi. My name is Max. I found your story on "Please Review"

. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

Item Reviewed: "The Curious Android"

Author Breno

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
I love SciFi stories for lots of reasons. One is that they permit authors to address deep questions by posing them in a specially designed fictional universe. SciFi stories with robots often deal with deep questions of what it means to be be human, and this one is no different.

What I particularly liked about this story is that it added an original twist to the self-aware robot mime. Instead of the rebellious robot, or the condescending superior robot, we've got another way that the self-aware robot might choose to be human--a humane way. I loved it, and the message it gives about loyalty, kindness, friendship, and what it means to be human.

Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

Yours does a pretty good job. You name both your main characters, and you start with them doing something. Generally, though, it's not a good idea to start with a disembodied voice speaking--more on that in a moment. Otherwise, though, the opening hits on all cylinders, including posing the basic question of the story.

Plot
Max the robot is self aware. The owner's manual warned this could happen, and the manufacturer assumed no liability for the consequences. Visions of robotic violence dance in the owner's--and the readers'--heads--great misdirection here.

Max puzzles over what his self-awareness might mean, but so does his owner Fredrick. In some ways, Fredrick's rather detached "I don't want to deal with this" attitude is a veil for the fact that he appears to actually care for Max--even to the point of secretly cheering him on. The ambiguity of the Fredrick character is one of the best parts of the story.

Style and Voice
Here's where I have my main suggestions.

This story uses an omniscient narrator, in which the author stands outside the fictional events, looking in. The author knows the internal thoughts of all the characters; in fact, the author knows everything.

This narrative style dominated 19th century literature and continued well into the 20th. However, it has all but disappeared from commercial fiction today. About 30% of all contemporary fiction uses a first person narrator, while the overwhelming majority of the remainder uses third person limited.

In third person limited, for each scene the author chooses one character to provide the point of view. The reader can know what that character sees, hears, smells, and otherwise senses. The reader can know what that character thinks, as well. But the reader has to infer these things about all the other characters through their words and deeds. The idea is that the author places the readers into the head of one character, and then the readers encounter the fictional world through that character in a holistic manner, the same way we encounter the real world. That's supposed to help draw the reader into the story and thus into the fictional world.

A novel can--and usually does--have many point-of-view characters, but there should be only one for each scene. Generally, a short story will have only one point of view character.

My main suggestion for this story is to pick one--Fredrick or Max--and tell the story entirely from that point of view. Either one would be fine, although in some ways the not-very-self-aware Fredrick might be a better choice in that he provides a contrast to the growing awareness of Max.

BTW, one reason to avoid starting with a disembodied voice speaking is that it leaves the POV ambiguous or even establishes an omniscient POV: we don't know if the POV character is speaking or hearing. It's usually better to have the POV character feeling, doing, or sensing as that helps to draw readers into his/her head.

To help you see now the point of view wobbles in this story, I've marked severel places in the line-by-line remarks below where the POV hops from Max to Fredrick and back again.

Scene/Setting
I found this a little sparse. I'd like just a little more to help the reader visualize this future world. Perhaps we could see the mechanical precision with which Max maintains the home? Maybe the dinnerware is arranged with microscopic detail? Indeed, maybe a small variation of that is one of Max's first acts of independence.

Characters
As I noted above, Max winds up more self-aware than Fredrick, one of the charming things about this story.

Grammar
Good job here. I'm not a grammar expert, and even less so for proper UK English, though.

Comma Splices.

A comma splice occurs when you have two complete sentences joined by a comma where a period or semicolon should be used. I've marked one or more of these in the line-by-line comments below.

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

The above is the primary reason for using just one point of view in this story. It will help to draw readers in. I think it's especially critical given the thematic material.

In any case, I enjoyed this story quite a lot. Thank you for sharing, and do keep writing!!

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in RED.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GREEN.

Within a few milliseconds Max searched the meaning of android and received a number of results. "You mean I'm an operating system?"My Comment: Max's response should be in a stand-alone paragraph. Also, the POV shifts from Fredrick to Max here, since we're told that he "searched the meaning' and "received" results.

Fredrick rolled his eyes and hanged his headMy Comment: While there are two acceptable forms for the past tense of "hang," I believe that "hanged" is almost exclusively used for executions today. Of course, that would be US usage..

Fredrick once again peered over the edge of his newspaper, he looked at Max.My Comment: comma splice

Fredrick was taken back by that comment and a chill ran down his spine. My Comment: This is Fredrick's reaction to Max's question, so it should start a new paragraph as would a speech. Note that the chill puts us back in Fredrick's head.

Through the dining room window, Max watched his owner pull out of the drive and speed off to work for the day.My Comment: We switched the prespective back to Max, so the POV has slipped back to him, too.

He enjoyed the meal Max had preparedMy Comment: Back in Fredrick's head.

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out my essay

on short stories.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

202

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4096184

Review of The Other Mitchell, Part 4

Review by

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

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Hi. This is Max. Thanks for asking me to read your chapter. I enjoyed it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

Item Reviewed: " The Other Mitchell, Part 4"

Author smitch

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
It's been over a year since I read the previous installment, and I'm glad to see that you are continuing with this story. It's got lots of good action, a detailed plot and fictional world, and lots of tension. You're also talented at providing hooks, and that would be my favorite part of this chapter.

Opening
My last review was 14 months ago, and it took me quite a while to remember the details. Ordinary readers won't wait that long between chapters--especially with your compelling hooks. This chapter picks up exactly where the action left off in the prior one. Still, it's never a bad idea to re-establish setting and point of view for readers at the start of a new chapter or scene. Thus, I'd prefer just a touch more in your opening sentences to connect me back to the prior events.

Plot
The basic plot continues, with possible twist--or is it misdirection?--added about halfway through this chapter. The tension continues to be high, and you increased it even more with the death at the end of this chapter. I'm not sure the stakes are any higher, though. We've got the same set up people in danger and the same risks. The tension is higher because the resolving the mystery is more difficult, the danger and risk hasn't expanded in scope. For example, the dangers might be broader than this group of teens--that would increase the stakes.

Hook
Awesome.

Style and Voice
First person. No slips, but there were many spots where you told us what the narrator saw, heard, felt, etc. Since we're inside your first-person narrator's head, readers will infer he saw, heard, and felt anything in the narrative. Letting the readers make that inference--as opposed to telling them--will make the events more intimate and immediate.

Referencing
All consistent with what I remember.

It is a little hard to keep track of who is who since you refer to the "masked" characters by the names of the mask, not the person wearing the mask.

Scene/Setting
This is really sparse. I'd prefer some--not a lot, but some--additional scene setting to incite the readers' imaginations.

Grammar

Comma Splices.

A comma splice occurs when you have two complete sentences joined by a comma where a period or semicolon should be used. I've marked one or more of these in the line-by-line comments below.

Commas.

I thought I saw some comma errors. I'm terrible with commas, so I won't try to point them out. Instead, here's a great reference:
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_c...
I've read it, and they're still a mystery to me. I hope it helps! Note that this guide--and my comments--relate to US grammar rules. They may or may not agree with UK English.

Just my personal opinion
Overall, this continues to be a compelling story with good tension and awesome hooks. Thanks for sharing with me, and I hope it's not a year for the next chapter!

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in RED.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GREEN.

Charlie's face contorted, his thick black hair fell[,] covering his features. My Comment: missing comma...

"It's Charlie that's missing--not me."My Comment: Charlie's face just contorted, so it's someone else inside the suit, right? Who?

"There was a guy wearing one of those at Isenberger's, was that him?"My Comment: comma splice

Danny nodded. "Don't know who he is tho', he always wears a balaclava."My Comment: another comma splice...I'll stop pointing these out...

"Does he always have any backup when he comes around?"My Comment: "always have any" read strangely to me...

For a moment, I was mesmerised my the machine and the rhythmic sounds it made. My Comment: typo: BY the machine. But that makes this passive voice, which puts readers in a passive, receptive mood. I'd consider changing to active voice: "the rhythmic sounds mesmerized me..."

I felt the coolness of the gloop, which slowly warmed.My Comment: The readers are solidly in his head, so they will infer that he feels any sensation he reports. Thus, the "I felt" is unneccesary. It's also telling us what he felt, and filtering the sensation through the narrator instead of showing. If you want to emphasize he "felt" it, have you can have him react in some way.

There's quiet, I can see Danny working it out.My Comment: You've flipped from the fictional past to the fictional present here.

I felt his struggling diminish and finally stop.My Comment: another "I felt..."

We had to work fast to get him into the suit before he woke, but Danny seemed like an expert which makes it easy.My Comment: Interesting sentence that adds some twists to the plot. It suggests that Danny/Charlie might be behind this. Of course, that could also be misdirection. Whether misdirection or foreshadowing, I like it.

As I reached the door I heard a voice from behind me. "Who the fuck are you?"My Comment: "I heard" is like "I felt..."

His handsome face distorted as he pulled the suits mask from his face. My Comment: typo: missing apostrophe

I pulled back the balaclava he was still wearing.

"Oh man--"My Comment: another awesome hook.

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out my essay

on short stories.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

203

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4093926

Review of The Start of a Great Adventure

Review by

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

Item Reviewed: "The Start of a Great Adventure"

Author wint

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
You established a clear affection and bond between the two brothers. That makes them both more sympathetic and encourages the readers to cheer for them. At the same time, each has foibles that annoy the other, making them more human and beleivable. Nice job!

Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

Yours orients the reader in place and time, names your protagonists, and starts with action. Good work with that!

I do think you could do a little better job putting the reader inside Lee's head. For example, instead of saying, "Fighting a blazing sun," you might have start with, "Lee shaded his eyes against the blazing sun," or maybe, "Lee squinted against the blazing sun and wiped sweat from his brow." In the examples, Lee is doing specific things--shading or squinting--rather than the generic "fighting." Being specific helps the reader to visualize what's happening and draws the reader into Lee's head.

Your first sentence is also a bit long, like it's trying to do two many things. I wonder if you could divide it up for a natural flow?

Plot
Plot starts with characters, which you have in the form of the two brothers. But characters need to have goals--they need to desire something. There should be consequences if they fail to achieve their goals--these are teh stakes. Finally, there should be obstacles--something or someone standing in the way of achieving their goals.

From the final sentence of this chapter, I'm betting that you know what the goals, stakes, and obstacles are for the brothers. The problem is that the reader doesn't know. Instead of telling the reader they are about to start a great adventure, you should show the adventure starting. Right now, I can't tell what the plot is about because you haven't revealed the basic building blocks.

Hook
The hook is what keeps the pages turning. This blog has a really good discussion of hooks: http://thebookdoctorbd.blogspot.com/2011/09/using-...

Style and Voice
This chapter uses an omniscient narrator, in which the author stands outside the fictional events, looking in. The author knows the internal thoughts of all the characters; in fact, the author knows everything.

This narrative style dominated 19th century literature and continued well into the 20th. However, it has all but disappeared from commercial fiction today. About 30% of all contemporary fiction uses a first person narrator, while the overwhelming majority of the remainder uses third person limited.

In third person limited, for each scene the author chooses one character to provide the point of view. The reader can know what that character sees, hears, smells, and otherwise senses. The reader can know what that character thinks, as well. But the reader has to infer these things about all the other characters through their words and deeds. The idea is that the author places the readers into the head of one character, and then the readers encounter the fictional world through that character in a holistic manner, the same way we encounter the real world. That's supposed to help draw the reader into the story and thus into the fictional world.

A novel can--and usually does--have many point-of-view characters, but there should be only one for each scene.

You've certainly used third person for this novel, but the point of view jumps between Lee and George. I've marked in the line-by-line remarks below some of the places where this happens.

Characters
I liked the characters, found them credible, and want to cheer for them. This is hard to accomplish, and you did a good job of it.

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

I enjoyed meeting Lee and George, but I need to see them in action, striving for goals, overcoming obstacles. I need to know why their goals matter--what are the stakes. I'm sure that your plan for your novel includes these things--I just think you need to put some of this into chapter one.

Thanks for sharing, and by all means keep writing!!!

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in RED.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GREEN.

"How far down the hill might a bigger one get?" he thought. "What are the odds one stone might come to rest anywhere near another?"My Comment: The editorial standard is to show internal thoughts using italics and to omit "thought tags."

but on this day he was struggling to close his ears to Lee's activities.My Comment: This hops into George's head, since we're told he's "struggling."

Between them there was no prideful competition and no shyness. Comfortableness permeated their coexistence and a deep abiding love defied description, and perhaps even perception for folks. Only boys who've cried openly from having shared the sting of a father's belt, boys who have saved each other from dangers real and perceived, who have known the intimacy of brotherhood, only these boys know the nature of the love between these two men, now in the last days of their prime manhood.My Comment: This is good because it establishes the relationship between the brothers. The problem is that it's the author standing outside the story telling the reader things. Are there was you can show there is neither prideful competition nor shyness between them? I'm thinking something they say or do--some action--that reveals these aspects of their relationships. Revealing this through their words and deeds is showing as opposed to telling.

Lee thought it one of his goals in life to do that very thing. My Comment: Puts us back in Lee's head.

You reckon Michael AngeloMy Comment: typo: Michelangelo is one word. If you want to show Lee's misunderstanding, you could write "Michel-angelo" to indicate he's mispronouncing it as two words.

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out my {x-link:http://maxgriffin.net/LongMusings.shtml}

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

204

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4093392

Review of What He Gave Me

Review by

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Item Reviewed: "What He Gave Me"

Author J. Cervantes

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
I really like the concept of this novel. We meet James, who has never met his father. He's an adolescent, in a difficult relationship with his mother, and without quite knowing why he seems to be adrift, angry, and in trouble. As the novel opens, his long-absent father arrives. How will this change his life? Why did his mother leave his father and cut off all contact? There are intriguing mysteries, coupled with James' troubled history. This has a lot of potential.

Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

Your opening paragraph introduces James and orients the readers in time and place. You've got subjective emotions, so we know we're in James' head--you've established him as the point of view character. Those are necessary elements of an effective opening.

I do have some suggestions, however, The main one is that I would introduce in the first paragraph what sets this day apart: he's meeting his father for the first time. Your final sentence in the first paragraph tells us his father has been absent, but we don't learn until much later that today is the day they meet for the first time. I'd move that essential fact to the first paragraph, too.

I'd also try to give James some subjective sensations. Instead of the mini-flashback where he remembers smirking, have a smirk twist his lips as he touches the clothes he'd laid out the night before. Maybe his heart races in anticipation. The more you can put the reader in James' head, the better.

Style and Voice
Your first chapter uses an omniscient narrator, in which the author stands outside the fictional events, looking in. The author knows the internal thoughts of all the characters; in fact, the author knows everything. The reader is inside the heads (the point of view) of multiple characters. In the line-by-line remarks below, I've tried to point out the spots where we hop between James' point of view and that of his mother.

This narrative style dominated 19th century literature and continued well into the 20th. However, it has all but disappeared from commercial fiction today. About 30% of all contemporary fiction uses a first person narrator, while the overwhelming majority of the remainder uses third person limited.

In third person limited, for each scene the author chooses one character to provide the point of view. The reader can know what that character sees, hears, smells, and otherwise senses. The reader can know what that character thinks, as well. But the reader has to infer these things about all the other characters through their words and deeds. The idea is that the author places the readers into the head of one character, and then the readers encounter the fictional world through that character in a holistic manner, the same way we encounter the real world. That's supposed to help draw the reader into the story and thus into the fictional world.

A novel can--and usually does--have many point-of-view characters, but there should be only one for each scene.

Your second chapter stays more firmly inside James' point of view. My primary suggestion for the first chapter is tweak those places where you hop in Tiffany's head and instead stay with James.

If you're interested in a longer discussion of third person limited, you might glance at "Just One Point of View"

Plot
Plot arises from at least three fundamental elements: goals, stakes, and obstacles. In chapter one, James has a clear goal: meet his father. The obstacles are those presented by his domineering mother. The stakes--the reason the goals matter--include the obvious one of reconnecting with his parent. However, you've also revealed a bit of James' recent troubled history, so that raises the stakes.

Gary Kurtz, who produced The Empire Strikes Back, has written, “I took a master class with Billy Wilder once, and he said that in the first act of a story you put your character up in a tree and the second act you set the tree on fire and then in the third you get him down.”

The point of Kurtz's comment is that you keep putting more and more obstacles in the way of your protagonist, and you also keep raising the stakes. Out of this, you create tension and keep the pages turning. You're plot has enormous potential to do exactly this, and your first two chapters are an excellent start.

Hook
The hook is what keeps the readers turning the page to the next chapter. Both of these chapters have awesome hooks.

Referencing
The internal timing of both chapters is clear. However, I'm not at all clear about the timing of chapter two. Since James doesn't consider calling his father, I'm guessing that chapter two is in the past relative to chapter one. If so, I think you need to do something at the very start of chapter two to make this clear. The transition between the fictional present and the fictional past is often confusing to readers. Confused readers become ex-readers. Clarity is important.

In addition, if this really is a flashback, that makes the first chapter more of a prologue. Editors and agents seem mixed on prologues. I'm of mixed mind, too--it depends on the overall structure of the plot. I do know that telling a story out of order is more challenging--by quite a lot--than telling one in linear order. For that reason, I'd counsel against a prologue or flashback, especially this early in the novel, unless it's absolutely required.

Scene/Setting
This was sufficient for staging--I could tell where the characters were in relationship with each other. In the police station, you did a good job of setting mood and using several senses, including scent. I could have used a touch more in the first chapter. Was their home clean or messy, for example? Are there dirty dishes in the sink? Is the linoleum in the kitchen worn, or do they have more up-scale ceramic tile? Give us some hints about how they live through your descriptions.

Characters

Grammar

Comma Splices.

Adverbs.

You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

As I said above, this story has a excellent plot. James is an interesting character. He's adrift, angry, and not sure what he wants--a typical teen in many ways, except he's gone off the deep end getting arrested. You've created sympathy for him through exposing his dysfunctional relationship with his mother. His eagerness to meet his father makes him sympathetic enough for us to cheer for him. There are some ways I think you could tweak things, but this is an auspicious start. Thanks for sharing!

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in RED.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GREEN.

For 17 years he had lived with his mother who had managed to be "Dad" when absolutely necessary. My Comment: The story stops in this paragraph while the author tells the reader things. These might be important things to know, but telling is not the way to reveal them. Modern readers prefer to encounter your fictional world holistically, the way they encounter the real world. For this reason, it's better to reveal facts like those in this paragraph through the words and deeds of your characters rather than author narration. Editors and agents have a name for this kind of thing: the "info-dump." It's one of the ways they sort submissions into the "read" and "do not read" piles, which gives even more reason to avoid doing this.

There wasn't much that he knew about his father. My Comment: this paragraph is another info-dump.

The arrangement called for James' father to pick him up at 10 a.m. and return him at 6 p.m.My Comment: Aha! So that's what's going on. This is a reveal that should happen in the first paragraph.

Tiffany was just hoping that there was nothing that she should worry about.My Comment: We've been in James' head up until now, knowing his sensations and thoughts. But there, we've hopped into Tiffany's head since we know her hopes.

he was fixed on looking his best and gaining his father's respect.My Comment: This puts us back in James' head.

"Listen, James, I planned out how this conversation would go this morning and
I'm not sure what your feelingMy Comment: typo: should be "you're."

Tiffany let the silence thicken a bit. She wanted to be careful with her words. Gentle.My Comment: hops to Tiffany's head.

What happened way back then effected you, My Comment: Should be "affected you." See http://public.wsu.edu/~brians/errors/affect.html

My Comment: the sensation "throbbing" puts us back in James' head.

Tiffany could tell that they had strummed the same chord again.My Comment: Hopped to Tiffany's head. I'll stop pointing out this switches...

Kevin’s mother and father were great to James. My Comment: Starting here, the rest of this paragraph is info-dump.

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out my {x-link:http://maxgriffin.net/LongMusings.shtml}

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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14 days may be credited.

#4093042

Review of Come Dance with Me

Review by

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Item Reviewed: "Come Dance with Me"

Author timaashorty

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

I see that yesterday was your first day on WDC, so I'd like to add my personal welcome to the site. There is much to find here, from social activities to professional author critique groups. Whatever your interest, you are likely to find an activity on WDC to support you. If you have questions or need assistance, don't hesitate to drop me a note.

What I liked best
I love stories with a Twilight Zone feel to them, and this one delivered. Poe wrote that "all we see or seem is but a dream within a dream," and that insight suffuses this story. We are left uncertain about the man, the narrator, and the true events. The story becomes a guide that draws the reader in and inspires them to find their own resolution in the mysteries the author crafts. So, while you said you started without a plan, you crafted an excellent story where the tension builds and, in the end, left me wanting more. That's excellent work!

Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

Your opening accomplishes all the basic tasks in a few short sentences. We meet the mysterious man, the narrator, and know that they are at dance. The final sentence of the opening paragraph establishes tension and sets the mystery.

My only suggestion is to flip the order of the first two sentences with some minor re-wording so the sequence makes sense. Starting as you do with a disembodied voice speaking puts the reader outside the story, looking in. If, instead, you first establish your first person narrator, then the readers will hear the man speaking and feel his touch through your narrator. That puts the readers inside the story, which is more engaging and intimate.

Plot
An enchanted dance...with just the right hint of menace.

Style and Voice
First person, in the narrator's head. The narrator not only has no name, we don't know the narrator's gender. I'm betting the narrator is supposed to be female, but it's not explicit. This is one of the problems--or perhaps strengths--of first person narration. Usually, it's better to name your point-of-view character in your first paragraph. Giving him or her a name helps readers identify with your protagonist and hence helps to draw them into the story. I didn't see a reason for not specifying the gender of the narrator, so I'd recommend giving her--or him!--a name at the outset.

Characters
I could have used a touch more description throughout. We know the man is lovely, but don't have much in the way of specifics about him. Eye color, hair color, distinctive features, height, and so on. We don't need a lot, but something specific to help incite the readers' imaginations would be good.

Similarly, the setting is pretty non-specific. Even in dreams, there are flashes of setting that intrude. You don't need a lot--just a touch here and there to help the readers out.

Grammar

Commas.

I thought I saw some comma errors. I'm terrible with commas, so I won't try to point them out. Instead, here's a great reference:
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_c...
I've read it, and they're still a mystery to me. I hope it helps!

Adverbs.

You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

I liked this story quite a lot. It's especially impressive since you say you've just started writing fiction. There is much to admire here in characterization, plot and especially mood. The ending had just enough mystery and menace to induce a shudder. Nice work! Keep writing!

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in RED.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GREEN.

His lips were curved into a heartwarming malicious grin and I couldn't help, but smile back. My Comment: Misplaced comma: you should have one after "grin" and omit the one after "help."

Everyone became silent; all I heard was our footsteps tapping against the marble floor and the heavy breathing that came out from the audience. All eyes were on us now, and I was enjoying every second of it.My Comment: These are great, active images that serve to increase tension. But I have some tweaks to suggest. First, I'd eliminate the semicolon and replace it with a period. The shorter sentence will read faster and hence increase the pace. Second, the "I heard" filters the sound through your narrator. It's almost always more immediate and intimate to describe directly what he heard. If you want to emphasize s/he heard it, have the narrator react in some way. Thus, I'd replace "All I heard" with "The only sounds were..." Notice you do describe directly what s/he sees: "all eyes are upon us." Finally, the "I was enjoying every second" is the reaction to the sensations, except that you're telling us s/he's enjoying it. Instead, I'd try to find a more physical way to describe the enjoyment: maybe his/her heart sings, or electricity zings down his/her back at his touch.

I shuddered as the chilliness of his touch rushed up my arms, down my veins.My Comment: Here, you've described the sensation and the reaction rather than "I felt his chilly touch"--much better! However, the phrasing has reversed cause and effect. I wonder if rephrasing to first have the chilliness of touch race up the arms, and the then hv have the reaction of the shudder?

I let my arms wrap around him while his alluring scent filled my lungs. Slowly, we began to sway our bodies with the music. Our eyes locked and I became surprised at how wonderfully passionate his eyes looked; they were literally flaming in fire and I was instantly mesmerized.My Comment: Excellent writing here...except count the adverbs. I think this would be even better if you eliminated every one of the them--especially the "literally" which isn't true (they weren't engulfed in flames, right?) and weakens the metaphor.

His breathing brushed against my neck like electric waves, causing my entire body to throb. My Comment: Perfect: you've directly described the sensation and then the physical reaction.

He quickly pulled his face away from my neck.My Comment: Perhaps "Snatched" for a more precise verb?

I felt an unnerving tingling sensation, almost electric, creeping quickly up my arm to the rest of my body.My Comment: "I felt" is like "I heard" above. Also, be careful about repeating words and phrases: here had been an "electric" sensation earlier. Repeating words and phrases runs the risk of making your prose seem monotone.

I grasped his with my legs.My Comment: I can't quite picture this. Are they now supine?

I felt myself fading,My Comment: more "I felts" in this paragraph...

but my lips couldn't even depart.My Comment: typo: I think you mean "part."

The air became thicker in a swift of a moment and I felt like I could no longer breathe. My heart racesMy Comment: another "I felt." Also, it should be "raced," for consistent tense.

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out my {x-link:http://maxgriffin.net/LongMusings.shtml}

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

206

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14 days may be credited.

#4083736

Review of Missing Journal #1: Unnatural Birth

Review by

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Item Reviewed: "Missing Journal #1: Unnatural Birth"

Author D. Monick

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
The mystery of the spell combined with the implied military setting--Holly calls the first voice "sir."

Characters
We meet Kieron, who appears to reside in a kind of spell-induced limbo. He gradually becomes somewhat more aware through the chapter. There is a nameless voice who helps draw him out, and Holly, who also assists.

Plot
The most basic element of plot comes from conflict. The protagonist wants something (goals). What he wants is important (stakes). Something is keeping him from getting what he wants (obstacles). The conflict between goals and obstacles drives the plot, and the stakes are why the characters--and the readers--care about this outcome of this conflict.

Of course, this is only chapter one, and I don't know where this novel will be going. However, this chapter is about Kieren being trapped in a spell and his desire to break out of limbo. Thus, we've got a goal: return to the world of the living. The obstacle is the spell. It's easy to imagine why he'd want to throw off the spell, so we've also got stakes.

The problem is that this is all rather abstract. We do see him struggling to speak, but why does he want to speak? We're not really inside his head, experiencing his fears, sensations, and desires. Even when you are specific about what pain, it feels rather abstract since he's still emotionally distant.

Hook
The hook is what keeps the readers engaged and turning the page because they need to find out what happens next. This chapter just kind of fades out. You might glance at this blog
http://thebookdoctorbd.blogspot.com/2011/09/using-...
which provides an excellent discussion of hooks.

Style and Voice
First person. No slips.

Scene/Setting
The limbo world feels a bit abstract, mostly because it's described with statements of fact as opposed to being revealed through the words and deeds of the characters--especially in the opening. It gets better as the chapter progresses, especially as he presses against the slime or falls to the ground.

Grammar

Comma Splices.

A comma splice occurs when you have two complete sentences joined by a comma where a period or semicolon should be used. I've marked one or more of these in the line-by-line comments below.

Adverbs.

You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

I'd also suggest double-spacing between paragraphs to make it easier to read.

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

This is a good launch to a fantasy novel. I think a few tweaks to eliminate telling and make the showing more active, and you'll have an awesome start! thanks for asking me to read it.

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in RED.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GREEN.

It is the Isle without purpose; that is what i call this place in which i eternaly linger. I do not live here because this is not a life and I am not living. This is space consumed by never ending emptiness, where black is all I am able to see, hear, think… feel. I can’t escape it. Like a pool of dark muck, seeping into every crevice of my wretched soul. Hopelessness and despair torture me and serve as proof that I am real; that I exist. Fear devours me silently each time I remember the endless punishment I face each moment within the vacant lot; An enigma within the grand architecture of the known universe. It's possible that it sits just outside the seven circles of Hell orbiting the levels as it mimics them with my torture. No, there was no reasoning for a consciance like my own to remain prisoner outside the realm of physical matter. Time itself is blind to the isle without purpose. My ungaurded cell with no walls, just a pure infinite void where nothing is, but me.My Comment: Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

The most reliable way of launching the dream is by putting the readers inside the head of your point of view character and have the readers experience what's happening through the sensations, words, deeds, and thoughts of that character. That means being specific about what's going on, and orienting the readers in time and place. The opening should launch the action of the chapter and, for a first chapter, the novel.

This opening does some of the tasks involved, but it does these by telling as opposed to showing. For example, we have a statement of fact: "Hopelessness and despair torture me and serve as proof that I am real." Instead, can you show him being tortured? Can you show how it feels to be hopeless--even if the feelings are only emotional and not physical? Is he trying to move and cannot? Is he trying to hear, and cannot? Put us inside his head.

Remember the Harlan Ellison story title: "I have no mouth and I must scream." This juxtaposes a metaphor--"I have no mouth"--and an imperative statement--"I must scream"--to establish the helplessness and horror of the narrator. I think that's the situation you're telling us about here, but it's all emotionally distant and rather abstract. Be more concrete and specific, and most importantly be inside the head of your narrator.

A couple of minor quibbles: there are some typos in this paragraph. "Eternally" and "conscious" for two.

I dont know how long I’ve been in this rotten chasm,My Comment: This paragraph continues with statements of fact.

"Kieron!"

My eyes pop open and search the darkness,My Comment: And here is where the action starts. This is where I would start the chapter. This has the additional advantage of naming your narrator up front, which helps to draw readers into his head.

I now begin to writhe madly, My Comment: "Writhe" is such a great, active verb! But there is no need to prop it up with the adverb. You can't writhe "calmly," for example, so the adverb adds nothing and slows the pace.

“Sir,” it was the girl again, she was whispering to the man very softly. My Comment: comma splice

I felt his breath on my forehead; it was oddly cold, like an arctic breeze.My Comment: The "I felt" is both telling and filters the sensation through your character. It would be more immediate and intimate to describe the sensation directly. Since you are using a first person narrator, readers will infer he "felt" it. For example: "His breath, cold as an arctic breeze, brushed against my forehead."

The man clasps my head on either side,My Comment: In the immediately prior sentences, you were in the fictional past--the narrator says "I felt, "I raised my head," and "I thought," etc. Here, with "clasps," you change from fictional past to fictional present where you have been in most of this chapter. You should be consistent throughout, so I'd suggest "clasped" here or revising the earlier sentences.

I feel a sharp sting on the back of my neck and a shock run down my spine. Then my body begins to shake and tremble violently. Pain erupts within me as my arms and legs lose control. They start bending and twisting themselves into warped positions. My left arm snaps backward pulling my shoulder out of socket. I feel many of my fingers bending and twisting, breaking the bones.My Comment: Here, we've got great, specific things happening. We know where it hurts, and how his body is reacting. I could use some emotional response, too, though. As it is, it could be happening to someone else as opposed to happening to Kieren.

bleak prison of darkness is replaced by a bright light.My Comment: passive voice, which puts your readers in a passive, receptive mood. Instead, you want them to be your active partners in imagining your fictional world. For this reason, active verbs are generally better.

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out my {x-link:http://maxgriffin.net/LongMusings.shtml}

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

207

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4081017

Review of Oscar's A Big Dog Now!

Review by

Rated: E

| (4.0)

** Image ID #1992612 Unavailable **

Hi! My name is Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

, and I'm here to review your entry in the "Invalid Item"

Item Reviewed: "Oscar's A Big Dog Now!"

Author joyep32
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

I also apologize that you didn't get an "official" review as part of the contest. I'm sure that's because this story--while charming and very well done--didn't quite meet the qualifications for the contest. More on that below.

What I liked best
Of course, what I loved best was being in a dog's point of view. No, wait, I loved the theme of the story best. Okay, I'm just a sucker for dogs. I loved the whole thing.

Point of View
This is a flawless first person story, putting the reader inside the head of a puppy in a pound. I loved being in Oscar's head and his conversation with the older dog. His reaction to the humans and to the "thing with windows that moves really fast" was believable, funny, and a delight to read.

My only suggestion would be to add smells to Oscar's palette of sensations. It seems to me that a dog's world is filled with smells, interesting smells, that humans can't begin to imagine.

I used a dog for the POV character in a chapter in in my most recent release, "The Hounds of Hollenbeck." It's not out yet, but you can find the first three chapters here: "Hounds of Hollenbeck"

. It was fun and challenging, but, as with your story, well worth the effort.

Of course, the "Invalid Item"

requires third person limited as the point of view. So, while this story used a flawless first person narrator, it didn't qualify for a prize in our contest. Too bad, because this is an awesome story.

Creativity and originality
Having a dog as POV character is daring, creative, and original. You also pulled it off. Kudos!

Effective Showing (not telling)
We learned what was happening through the words, deeds, and thoughts of Oscar--no telling in sight. Great job here, too.

Plot and Pacing
Good tension and resolution.

While the ending was cute, the story was really over when the family gets home. That's where we've got the happy ending. It goes on a little longer with Oscar pawing at the door and going outside, but I'm not sure that's integral to the resolution of the story's conflict.

Technical Proficiency (such as grammar, spelling, proof-reading, and following the contest rules)

Comma Splices.

A comma splice occurs when you have two complete sentences joined by a comma where a period or semicolon should be used. I've marked one or more of these in the line-by-line comments below.

Total Points

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

I thought this was an extraordinary story, and quite well written. I'm so glad that I read it. Thank you for sharing.

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in RED.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GREEN.

Oh Boy, the lights just came on and here come the humans. I like it when the humans come because they always let me out of my cage while they tidy it up.My Comment: Love the opening! The only suggestion I have is to clarify right up front that we're in a dog's head and not in some space alien. Other than that quibble, this is terrific!

"Go ahead boy, go stretch your legs and say hello to your friends."My Comment: comma splice

I don't want to sleep like that, I want to go out and play, and chew on some shoes or something.My Comment: comma splice

I feel a pairs of hands around my tummyMy Comment: The "I feel" filters the sensation through your POV character. It's almost always more immediate and intimate for your readers to describe the sensation directly. Since this is first person, you're in your POV character's head, so the readers will infer he felt it. If you want to emphasize that, have him react in some way--maybe he squirms or tries to like the hand?

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Even though I'm scoring this for a contest, I'm also reviewing in part for my own edification. Thus, as is my usual policy, I have given a rating of "4" to all contest entries. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for our contest. We hope you found it to be fun and a learning experience. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out my {x-link:http://maxgriffin.net/LongMusings.shtml}

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

208

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14 days may be credited.

#4078143

Review of Trick or Treat

Review by

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Need a review? Visit

Hi. My name is Max. I found your story after discovering your group "Fantasy and Science Fiction Society"

. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

Item Reviewed: "Trick or Treat"

Author Matt Bird MSci (Hons) AMRSC

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
I loved the macabre plot and the way that the tension screwed ever tighter throughout. Awesome creativity!!

Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

Your opening does a good job of orienting the reader in time and space and establishing your first person point of view. There is a bit of telling in the opening, though. For example, you tell us that it's October 31. Instead, you might describe the neighbor's decorations, and then have the narrator out to buy some of his own in preparation for tonight's party. That shows through the setting and his words and deeds the same information. It takes a bit longer, but showing will be more powerful than telling.

Plot
A man discovers that selfishness has a price.

Style and Voice
This chapter uses a first person narrator, but there are elements of an omniscient narrator threaded throughout. In omniscient narration, the author stands outside the fictional events, looking in. The author knows what's going to happen; in fact, the author knows everything. In the line-by-line remarks below, I've flagged some of the places where the narrator reveals foreknowledge. The problem with this is that it takes readers out of the here-and-now of the story. Moder readers want to experience your story holistically, the way they encounter the real world.

Omniscient narration, first person or third person, dominated 19th century literature and continued well into the 20th. However, it has all but disappeared from commercial fiction today. About 30% of all contemporary fiction uses a first person narrator, while the overwhelming majority of the remainder uses third person limited. Modern first person narrators, even when writing in the fictional past, are still bound to the here-and-now.

In third person limited, for each scene the author chooses one character to provide the point of view. The reader can know what that character sees, hears, smells, and otherwise senses. The reader can know what that character thinks, as well. But the reader has to infer these things about all the other characters through their words and deeds. The idea is that the author places the readers into the head of one character, and then the readers encounter the fictional world through that character in a holistic manner, the same way we encounter the real world. That's supposed to help draw the reader into the story and thus into the fictional world.

I do think first person is right narrative choice for this story. However, for technical reason--some of which I noted above--first person narration is more difficult than third person. It's much easier to fall into telling as opposed to showing, for example. I've made some notations in the line-by-line remarks below where I think more showing would improve this story.

Scene/Setting
I noticed tendency here than there to summarize the scene in general terms. Sometimes you follow this with a specific description, sometimes not. In general, specifics are better and summary should be avoided since it interrupts the fictions dream.

Characters
The narrator is certainly goal-oriented, but I'm not entirely sure that the early parts of the story show him being selfish. After all, he leaves a bowl of candy on his doorstep on Halloweens past, even though he's working. He's also conflicted when he first realizes what's going on. I wonder if he's not more OCD? As with the settings, there is quite of the narrator telling us about himself. It would be stronger to learn about him through his words and deeds.

Grammar

Comma Splices.

A comma splice occurs when you have two complete sentences joined by a comma where a period or semicolon should be used. I've marked one or more of these in the line-by-line comments below.

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

I really liked the premise for this story, and the unfolding events do an excellent job of tightening the tension. the story ends exactly at the climax, as it should. My main suggestions have to do with tightening the prose here and there to make it more intimate and immediate, and to replace narrative summaries with specific words and deeds.

I like dark tales, and I especially liked this one. Thanks for sharing!!!

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in RED.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GREEN.

This year was different, this year my family was coming to my house.My Comment: comma splice. Notice also this is the narrator pulling away from the here-and-now of the story and into omniscience.

noting the Halloween décor on my road.My Comment: This tells us what the narrator is seeing and filters the sight through him. It's almost always more immediate and intimate for readers to describe directly what he saw. If you want to emphasize he saw it, have him react in some way. Also, "Halloween décor" is abstract--what, specifically, did he see? I see you do this all in the next paragraph, so you don't need the summary here.

Once in my compact, I drove to nearby shops to pick up sweets and decorations. My Comment: I'm not a big fan of time reversals. The prior couple of paragraphs about Halloweens past. When you started this paragraph with "once," I assumed you were continuing in the past. Instead, we're back in the present, as in, "when I reached my car..." That's one of the problems with mini-flashbacks: they can be confusing. They also disrupt the here-and-now events of the story. For this latter reason, they are particularly challenging in the opening paragraphs of a story.

Outside of one shop, lay a homeless man, begging for change. My Comment: This summarizes the action instead of showing it. How does he infer the man is homeless? What's he look/smell like? What's he saying. Show what's happening and lead the reader to the conclusion that he's homeless and begging. Especially given the central role this character plays in the story, he needs a better, more sinister description here.

Three hours passed before the all-important call came,My Comment: The call is all-important because...? Or is the narrator telling the story with fore-knowledge? If so, this mixes first person narration with the omniscient narrator. I'd recommend leaving the importance of the call a mystery. After all, why would you include it in the story if it's not? Chekhov said that if a rifle appears over the mantel in act one, someone must fire it by act three. If you have a phone call at the start of your story, its importance must be apparent by the end.

I wasn’t scared… well not initially.My Comment: Foreknowledge again. Also, this tells us he's not scared and later in the paragraph narrates--as opposed to shows--what he does in response--call the police station.

In the shop window, I saw the reflection of the homeless man. Although I couldn’t see the homeless man’s face, I imagined it being unshaven and dirty.My Comment: He's already seen the man's face, right? No need to imagine it. Also, be careful about repeating words, phrases, and names as this runs the risk of making your prose seem monotone.

I came across a drunken man defacing someone’s garden fence.My Comment: This summarizes what he's doing as opposed to showing it. How does the narrator know he's drunk? How is he defacing the fence? Show, don't tell.

I started to sweat;My Comment: Telling...it would be more intimate to say something like, "My skin turned clammy," which describes what's happening in a more sensual way.

I heard his skull crack from the other side of the road.My Comment: It would be more immediate to describe the sound directly instead of filtering it through the narrator's head with "I heard...".

As I walked down the now busying road I felt as though I was being followed, of course this was absurd; My Comment: comma splice: you need a period or semicolon after "followed."

There was a bench amongst the scattered golden autumn leaves. The bench was made from a dark wood with ornate metal legs and arm rests. Adjacent to the bench was a bin, a large metal bin that quite detracted from the pleasant aesthetics of the bench. Posters adorned the bin, but those were ripped and tattered, tarnishing the image further. I sat on the bench and sighed as it began to rain.My Comment: "bench" repeats...

A woman, with short blonde hair, wearing a smart business outfit started to hurry out of the rain. My Comment: helper words like "began" and "started" slow the action down. It's more direct to just say she "hurried out of the rain."

I got up from the bench My Comment: "bench" again...

I arrived home and saw that the door was slightly ajar.

My Comment: "I saw..." is like "I heard..." above.

My father had heard My Comment: omniscient narration...he can't know what his father heard until later.

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out my essay

on short stories.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

209

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14 days may be credited.

#4075968

Review of Rubik's Cube

Review by

Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)

Item Reviewed: "Rubik's Cube"

Author Wrath.of.Khan

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
There is much to love about this story. A certain melancholy permeates the opening paragraphs and continues through the sudden, wrenching events on the street. The thematic material is strong, as are the characterizations.

Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

Your opening does a good job of foreshadowing events, introducing Tim--although I wish you had found a way to name him earlier--and orienting the reader. I do wish that you had put the reader more intimately inside Tim's head--I've made some comments in the line-by-line remarks below on this. Also, you might mention the movie playing at the theater as another way of foreshadowing--perhaps it's a classic horror film, or maybe something more recent about lost love--"Ghost," for example, might be good.

Plot
An interesting plot, and the use of Rubic's cube as both metaphor and activator is both original and intriguing. I do think that this drags a bit. There is a lot of background, for example. It's good that you have all that, but I wonder if readers need the detail? What they need is the emotional intensity between the two characters, which you've got. However, I'd try to get to the precipitating incident--the accident--sooner.

Style and Voice
First person, in Tim's head. First person is difficult to write, in no small measure because it is so tempting to fall into telling rather than showing. Indeed, I saw quite a bit of telling--see the line-by-line remarks below. I wonder if third person limited might be a better choice?

Scene/Setting
Sufficient for staging. Pretty good use of senses--except that Tim's senses would have been exaggerated by the influence of ecstasy. Indeed, other than the statement early on that he was on ecstasy, there's not really any feeling of the drug's influence on subsequent events. I like the notion that he's on ecstasy--it ties well with the plot--but it needs to be more visceral.

Characters
We learn a lot about what's going on through Tim's declamatory statements--see my remarks above on Tim's drugged state, for example. There are other notes in the line-by-line remarks. Because Tim spends so much time telling us things, it had a hard time being in the here-and-now of unfolding events.

That said, Tim's connection to Julie comes through clearly, as do her feelings for him. That's the core relationship in the story, and you did a good job with that. The other characters are less well-developed. That's ok--this is a short story, not a novel.

Grammar

Commas.

I thought I saw some comma errors. I'm terrible with commas, so I won't try to point them out. Instead, here's a great reference:
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_c...
I've read it, and they're still a mystery to me. I hope it helps!

I'm not quite sure where to put this comment, so I'll stick it in here. What is the purpose of the various color changes to the fonts. I found this distracting and, at least in one case, confusing.

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

One thing I noticed was a tendency to narrate events and dialogue rather than showing them through the words and deeds of your characters. This is a particular peril of first person stories and one of the main things that make writing first person more difficult that third person limited. You asked, for example, if the dialogue was believable. Well, the content of the dialogue was--it made sense that they would be saying the things they did. Except that they often didn't actually say them. Instead, you summarized what they said instead of putting actual words in the mouths of the characters.

This tendency to summarize--to tell instead of show--may be one of the reasons that I found the pace to be slow.

I really liked the emotional content of the story and the connection between Tim and Julie. The thematic material and the connection to Roma culture promise to make this an interesting story to read when you finish the second half. Thanks for sharing!!!

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in RED.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GREEN.

It is high summer coming to fall and I am on ecstasy. The warm evening air seeps into my bones illuminating my senses.My Comment: Contrast the first sentence, where the narrator states facts, with the second where the narrator provides a subjective description of the warmth. Rather than telling the reader the season and that he's on ecstasy, it would be more intimate--and better establish point of view--to provide subjective sensory inputs that convey the same information. What does it feel like to be on ecstasy, for example? From what I've read, the sense of touch is highlighted, there's an irresistible urge to grin, to touch, do even dance. Give the readers the a subjective feeling for this--put them in Tim's head instead of just saying "I am on ecstasy."

I run a hand through my jet black hair.My Comment: Why is he thinking about the color of his hair? This feels forced.

She’s worried. My Comment: He must infer this from her expression or demeanor. Again, rather than stating a fact, show her being worried.

I tell her Mike’s young and stupid and we should have taken him up on the ride. My mom knows the Gypsy Reincarnation Incantation. If anything happens to Mike, the chant requires only that someone miss the guy. (A sick joke.<--- keep the line?)My Comment: The line is fine, but why have you chosen to narrate this snippet of conversation rather than putting the actual words in Tim's mouth--maybe even showing Julie's reaction. Note that in the next sentence, you tell us--as opposed to showing--that she's not amused and continue to narrate what she said as opposed to writing actual dialogue.

She says this is as far as I go tonight. It was fun. She'll let me know when we can do it again. My Comment: more narrated dialogue...

She steps inside and I head for home. My head runs spreadsheets. My Comment: "Head" repeats...repeating words and phrases runs the risk of making your prose seem monotone.

Midway across the street, I hear steps behind me. My Comment: Phrases like "I heard" filter the sensory information through the narrator's head. It's almost always more intimate and immediate for your readers if you describe directly what he heard. Since this is first person, they will infer he "heard" it--indeed, that step of inference helps to draw readers into his head. If you want to emphasize he heard it, have him react in some way.

White lights blind me. My Comment: I was a little confused by this segment, thinking at first that he and Julie had really gotten in the car with Mike. My confustion may in part have come from the change in color, which I expected to indicate a change in setting, POV, or some other aspect of the story. Instead, it's a change in action, right? Indicate that with your words--showing events happen and Tim's reaction to them.

It is pouring on the night I decide to reincarnate Julie. Rain pounds the side of my house; it'll mute some of the chant. My Comment: You start with a statement of fact: it's pouring. In the next sentence, we've got a terrific description--rain pounds against the side of my house. That's showing the rain as opposed to telling us it's raining. My main advice for this story is to eliminate the telling and do more of the showing.

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out my {x-link:http://maxgriffin.net/LongMusings.shtml}

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

210

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4054048

Review of Untitled

Review by

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Item Reviewed: "Untitled"

Author Oposoto

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

I see that you are also brand new to Writing.Com. I'm complimented that you sought me out for your first review. I'd also like to welcome you to the site. This is a great place to post your, learn about the craft of fiction, and make new friends, both professional and personal. I hope that your experience here will be as positive as mine has been.

What I liked best
This little story is an extended parable, with symbols carefully woven into the text. Indeed, this inspired me to research the exegesis for the scripture at the end (1 Peter 3-4), and I found startlingly divergent views. How they fit with events of the story is, of course, the point. Each reader will reach their own conclusions, although you've provided a good road map. In any case, my favorite feature of this story is certainly the cognitive dissonance of the story. (More on this below.)

Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

While this story has deep metaphysical religious overtones, it's a little short on story. The basic elements are there, but I think they need enhanced.

We start with Boy staring at himself in the mirror. We learn some stuff about by the author telling us instead of showing us. What is he doing and thinking while he's standing there? Show us his emotions instead of telling us he's never made a setting pleasant or comfortable. Put us inside his head instead of being a narrator, standing outside the story, looking on. That distances readers from the plot and the characters. You tell us his thoughts are "clear," but don't tell us what they are. I'm going to give you a couple of sentences by way of example, but you can do better because you know Boy better than I possibly could.

Boy placed his palms on the cool porcelain sink and gazed at his countenance in the mirror. Bile roiled his belly and revulsion twisted his mouth downward. Tidy stubble marred his cheeks, and a stylish strand of hair obscured the piercing through his eyebrow. It was the same frightful mask he always saw.

The idea is to use subjective things--like the cool porcelain against his skin the bile roiling his stomach--to start story--you use these later, but by then the readers are already standing outside, looking in. Starting with these, puts them in Boy's head. Note that you should start by naming him, too--even if it's just "Boy." Naming him helps to draw readers inside his head. Finally, the "bile" is inside him, as is the "revulsion," which contrasts with the "inner beauty" of the scripture and foreshadows his later actions.

It also helps, I think, to describe what he sees. I made up a description that tried to echo the scripture--a "stylish" strand of hair and a "tidy" stubble." He's got an eyebrow piercing. That gives him external adornments to mirror those in the scripture. If he then thinks they are a hideous mask, that's another echo.

As I said, I'm sure you can do better since you know him. But the idea is put the readers in his head.

Plot
Plot as metaphor--I love it.

Style and Voice
This story uses an omniscient narrator, in which the author stands outside the fictional events, looking in. The author knows the internal thoughts of all the characters; in fact, the author knows everything.

This narrative style dominated 19th century literature and continued well into the 20th. However, it has all but disappeared from commercial fiction today. About 30% of all contemporary fiction uses a first person narrator, while the overwhelming majority of the remainder uses third person limited.

In third person limited, for each scene the author chooses one character to provide the point of view. The reader can know what that character sees, hears, smells, and otherwise senses. The reader can know what that character thinks, as well. But the reader has to infer these things about all the other characters through their words and deeds. The idea is that the author places the readers into the head of one character, and then the readers encounter the fictional world through that character in a holistic manner, the same way we encounter the real world. That's supposed to help draw the reader into the story and thus into the fictional world.

A novel can--and usually does--have many point-of-view characters, but there should be only one for each scene. Generally a short story will have only one POV character. Your's could be Boy, or it could be Demon. Since the story continues after Boy's death, in some ways it should be Demon. If so, then you should start with him hiding away, observing Boy.

My major suggestion for this story is to recast it using third person limited. This will greatly increase the immediacy and intimacy of the unfolding events for your readers.

Scene/Setting
Sufficient for staging. You don't need a lot--we've all been in a bathroom! But a touch more might help ground the readers.

Characters
There are so many interesting features about Demon. He says "boys can't be pretty" when Boy asks. "Pretty" is such a wonderful, trivial word in this context. Later, he burns the lotus, a symbol of inner beauty. At the end, he preserves a fallen lotus petal from Boy's blood and preserves it in his "lustrous" book, where it "reddens" the words of the scripture. The story also refers to Demon as "it." The ambiguity of "Demon" carrying what must be a Bible, and the irony of Boy's blood "reddening" this scripture...well, it's powerful stuff.

Grammar

Comma Splices.

A comma splice occurs when you have two complete sentences joined by a comma where a period or semicolon should be used. I've marked one or more of these in the line-by-line comments below.

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

This is a really powerful story. You make use of complex symbols in nontrivial ways--in ways that will inevitably make readers think. Who is Demon? Why is he carrying a Bible? Why can't boys be pretty? Why did Boy destroy his inner beauty? Why did Demon preserve his inner beauty, as symbolized by the lotus? The questions are left unanswered, s they should be, and are marvelous.

But I think this could be even more powerful if you deepened the readers' connections to the events by using third person limited, as noted above. There are a few other places that distance the readers from the fictional world or make them passive. I've noted these in the line-by-line remarks below.

Thanks for sharing and for making me think!

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in RED.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GREEN.

He raises his head and the disruption is discerned by mortal eye. My Comment: This is passive voice, which puts the readers in a passive, receptive mood. You want them to be your active partners in imagining the here-and-now of the story, so it's almost always better to use active verb forms.

Upon it’s fingers were rings, stacked in alternating metals and jewels. My Comment: typo: should be "its," with no apostrophe. Also, watch out for sentences where the main verb is a form of "to be"--"were" in this case. A more active sentence would read, "Rings stacked on its fingers, alternating between metals and jewels." Now the rings are an active part of the scene, as opposed to just "being there." Admittedly, they are "just there," but this little difference makes them more real and vivid in the readers' heads.

From a fold in it’s elegant cloak Demon removes a tin, engraved upon the tin is a detailed lotus.My Comment: Comma splice. Also, note that "it's" should be "its."

The floor is spattered with red which now seeps from Boy’s lips. My Comment: passive voice

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out my {x-link:http://maxgriffin.net/LongMusings.shtml}

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

211

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4053033

Review of Threads in the Tapestry

for entry "Redman"

Review by

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Need a review? Visit

Hi. My name is Max. Here is the final of the reviews you won in the "Genre Auction and Fundraiser"

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Item Reviewed: "Threads in the Tapestry"

Chapter: "Redman"

Author jonhames
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
This is the tightest of the chapters I've read yet. It's got fast action and close POV on Sonny so we get to know him. With some modest tightening, this one's gripping.

Opening
The POV hops around in the opening. I've already commented on the importance of one POV per scene, so I won't bore you with the same remarks.

Plot
Here, the action is fast-paced and the close POV is just right for revealing essential details about Sonny. When the tables turn and the Osprey appears, the tension dissipates, and you end the chapter. We've still got the hook of why these guys are being recalled, which keeps the pages turning. Great tension, too--although those info-dumps need cut. Overall, awesome job.

Hook
You've ended with Sonny's decision to join the team, which is a fine hook all by itself. But you also reminded us of the basic mystery. In addition, we've got Sonny's musings that the Osprey is out of place in this war zone, which heightens the importance and mystery of the more basic hook. Great work with that.

Scene/Setting
Good work here, too, describe the valley, the mountains, the poppy fields, and the Taliban. I was a little confused at the start about the aircraft. At the very first, I visualized a helicopter, then probably a C130. However, it took a while for you to be explicit about that, so I'd clarify sooner.

Grammar
See the line-by-line remarks for the usual suspects.

Just my personal opinion
The old team's more or less assembled, so we can hope to soon learn more about the mission. great setup!

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in RED.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GREEN.

Major Santos slid his sweat-drenched body into the co-pilots seat and strapped in. His expression was both pained and exhausted as he gave the pilot a thumbs up.My Comment: Whose point of view are we in? I'd think Manor Santos's, since he's in the first sentence, but he can't see his expression.

Also, note that an apostrophe is missing: co-pilot's seat.

The archetypal image of an American Indian tossed the empty container out the cargo door,My Comment: the "image" didn't toss the empty conainer, the person did. Thus, I'd consider writing: The archetypal image of an American Indian, he tossed

"How's Cochise doing," the pilot yelled,My Comment: Should be "How's Cochise doing?" the pilot yelled,

Sonny Yellowsky stared out of the cargo door into the heat distorted air. It reminded him that hell-on-earth existed, and he was deep in its heartland.My Comment: Now we're clearly in Sonny's head, since we know that the scene reminds him of.

Sonny entered life inside a ceremonial tepee, a custom demanded for a warrior of his bloodline. My Comment: Here the story stops while the author intrudes to tell the reader stuff.

Sonny considered his involvement in the CIA's clandestine exchanges with the Taliban drug lords.My Comment: Now we're back in the here-and-now of events.

He hoped this run would be as flawless as the the one two monthsMy Comment: extra word

He never questioned the politicsMy Comment: starts another narrator intrusion.

Sonny scrambled to his seat as the fifty-three-year-old airframeMy Comment: Have you mentioned what kind of airplane they're in?

To the unknowing eye, My Comment: signals another narrator intrusion...

The explosive impact was comparableMy Comment: What impact? We need to see it happen before Sonny reacts.

These guys were pissed, Sonny thought, My Comment: Italics signal an internal thought. The editorial standard is to NOT use "thought" tags.

all Sonny possessed was the clothesMy Comment: "were" to match the plural "clothes."

four Kalashnikov toting Taliban freedom fighters stepped out of the van and engaged in a heated conversation.My Comment: Van repeats from earlier--you can just omit the phrase

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out my essay

on short stories.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

212

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4052570

Review of Threads in the Tapestry

for entry "Vit"

Review by

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Need a review? Visit

Hi. My name is Max. Here is the second of the four reviews you won in the "Genre Auction and Fundraiser"

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Item Reviewed: "Threads in the Tapestry"

Chapter: "Vit"

Author Escape Artist

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
I think this is my favorite chapter of the ones I've read so far. I can't speak for others, but one of the reasons I read books like this one is for the whiz-bang tech. Thus, my favorite part of this chapter is description of the airplane--and the highlight of that is when he enters the cockpit. Great job with that!

Opening
As you might guess from my other reviews, I think establishing point of view and starting with action are important elements of an effective opening. Thus, your opening, which full of vivid imagery, is still distancing for the reader.

Indeed, the actual action in this chapter starts when Vit gets the letter, and that's when the writing and the action become much sharper. From that point, I found very little to dislike in this chapter and much to like--but that's almost exactly halfway through. I think the entire opening could be substantially cut--perhaps down to a page or two at most. The thing you should ask is "what is the essential information in this chapter?" Clearly, that consists of two things. First, there's the cool high tech aircraft. Second, though, is Vit's character. Some of that comes through as he explores the aircraft, but that's really what the opening is about: that's where we learn who Vit is. If you cut with that in mind, I think you'll have a tighter and tenser chapter.

Plot
Vit is invited to rejoin the team. He may be an analog guy in digital world, but he can appreciate weaponry!

Hook
The main hook here remains the mystery of the mission. We've added to this the danger of the pickup in Afghanistan, so that tightens it a bit. The cooperation of the old cold warrior Vukov serves to raise the stakes--although I think you could make that clearer. The idea would be that even this unrepentant cold warrior is permitting the US Marines to land in Holy Mother Russia to pick up an agent. That would speak to the urgency of the mission, right? So emphasize it--have Vokov say something about it. Maybe he cusses out Putin for selling out, or not telling him anything, or maybe he knows the stakes and won't reveal them. But this is a chance to re-emphasize the mystery and the importance of the mission. That's your hook.

Style and Voice
When we're actually in Vit's head--and not the narrators--this has awesome voice.

Scene/Setting
good job--especially in the aircraft.

Grammar

Comma Splices.

A comma splice occurs when you have two complete sentences joined by a comma where a period or semicolon should be used. I've marked one or more of these in the line-by-line comments below.

Apostrophes.

I didn't mark them, but there were several apostrophe errors--mostly possessive nouns with missing punctuation. See
https://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/621/01...

Just my personal opinion
I liked this chapter quite a lot. Vit is a memorable and credible character. Pavel provides comic relief. I'm not sure I found Vukov doing this for the bribe of a helicopter credible, though, and I think it reduces the effectiveness of his role (see my comments above). Overall, though, there was a lot here--more than enough to engage the readers and keep the pages turning.

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in RED.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GREEN.

Dead for many years, the ancient Taiga Pine stood alone on a windswept hill, its withered gray skeleton reaching skyward. My Comment: As you can probably guess, I'm going to point out that the first four paragraphs are narrated background and are a "narrator intrusion."
This is quite cinematic, and might make an interesting opening shot to this scene. But you're writing a book, not a screenplay. If this were a movie, the camera serves as the eye of the audience, and they see what it sees. In a book, the characters serve as the eyes of the audience. If there is no one to see this happen, it doesn't happen. Or, more accurately, it's the narrator seeing it. That means it's not happening in the fictional dream in the character's head.

When the game's Logo popped up on the screen, a childlike grin exploded across his acne-inflamed face. My Comment: He can't see his face and is unlikely to be thinking about his complexion, so this is evidence of an omniscient narrator even as the action in this chapter begins.

Born in Chechnya and brought up in VolgogradMy Comment: another info dump--narrated background on your character.

He glanced into the communications room and saw a glowing LED blinking words that made the hair on his arms stand up--CONTAINMENT VESSEL BREACH. My Comment: You just told us he was illiterate. How does he know what this says?

his mouth open wide enough to accept a regulation-sized baseball.My Comment: Since a Russian wouldn't likely be comparing the size of his mouth to a baseball, this is again the narrator intruding.

With only two hours of daylight left, he needed to keep moving, the temperatures at night were falling well past forty below. My Comment: comma splice

Vit removed the gnarled limb My Comment: watch out for repeated words, which can make your prose seem monotone. Here, "limb" a couple of lines up. Before that, "vessel" repeats.

It took over an hour to repair and test the wires. My Comment: "wires" repeats. You could say, for example, mechanism.

"Any more alarms from the weather station," he asked, My Comment: Since he's asking a question, his speech should in with an interrogative.

"Shit. Okay, I'm heading for the roof to take a look.My Comment: "roof" repeats from a couple lines above.

Vit became awareMy Comment: This phrase distances the reader from the POV character, Vit. If you establish that we're in his head, then you can just report that the wind subsided and readers will infer he "became aware" of it. That little step of inference helps to draw them into his head and hence into the story.

You are an analogue man in a digital world, Captain."My Comment: In the sense you are using it here, I think the more common spelling is "analog."

it's critical that we all remain mushroomsMy Comment: This is an even more obscure reference than "excellent adventure," which I think everyone will know.

Moments before succumbing to the arms of Morpheus, another odd sensation gave him pause. He was beginning to miss Pavel.My Comment: I like this line, but not at the end. The previous paragraph repeats the mystery and the danger, which makes it a better hook.

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out my essay

on short stories.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

213

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4051523

Review of Threads in the Tapestry

for entry "Dead Soldiers"

Review by

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

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Hi. My name is Max. Here is the first of the four reviews you won in the "Genre Auction and Fundraiser"

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Item Reviewed: "Threads in the Tapestry"

Chapter: "Dead Soldiers"

Author Escape Artist

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
This is filled with trenchant phrases that really go a long way toward revealing Sam's character. By way of one example of many:

In the good old days, Kohl had been the shit thrower while Sam controlled the speed of the fan.

Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

Your opening did a good job of orienting the reader in space and time and drawing us into Sam's head. I thought you maybe jumped into the flashback a bit too soon, although I think you told me this is a chapter embedded in a longer work. Flashbacks in opening chapters or short stories usually require a little more technical attention.

Plot
This launches what promises to be a slam-bang plot, with lots of danger and action. Given that, it seems pretty slow. It's all talk, with an enormous amount of back-story threaded through it. Since this is part of a larger piece, it's a little hard to evaluate. However, consider the Born novels. They start with Born drowning in an ocean--in deep danger. The backstory is the story, of course, but it's revealed in tidbits, exactly when the reader needs it to make sense of what's happening in the here-and-now on the page. Here, we start with a depressed protagonist who is drinking himself into a stupor. Then the mysterious general arrives with his cryptic mission. That's an awesome hook--when he pointed up for the source of danger, you had me. So, maybe that's where this should start.

This is as good a place as any to mention the many places where the story stops while the narrator tells the reader stuff. It's important stuff, to be sure, but it's not story, it's background. Readers prefer to encounter your fictional world holistically, the same way they encounter the real world. In the real world, you don't have a narrator whispering in your ear explaining stuff to you. You understand the real world through the words and deeds of the people around you, along with what you can directly sense. The whole idea of third person limited is to replicate that experience.

I've noted most of the narrator insertions in the line-by-line remarks below. Editors and agents hate them for the reasons noted above. They even have a name for this kind of thing: the info-dump. It's one of the things they use to sort submissions between the "read" and "do not read" piles. Unless you're already a best-selling author or have some other stellar attribute that will guarantee sales (like being, say, an ex-Senator), they will kill any chance of your book being accepted by a commercial publisher.

Look at your info-dumps. If the reader doesn't need to know the information to understand what's happening right now, cut it. If they do, figure out a way to reveal it through the words and deeds of your characters. Remember, you've got a whole novel to convey this information.

Hook
The mystery of the assignment is already a great hook, and your final sentence both reinforces it and makes it awesome. Great job!

Style and Voice
Third person limited. I didn't see any significant bobbles.

Scene/Setting
Good job here--Sam's environment tells us a lot about his character and about what he's doing.

Characters
The mystery here is compelling, and Sam is an intriguing character from a world many readers will not know but be interested in learning about. These things will help hook readers, but they really need to be in Sam's head. He doesn't have to be sympathetic and love kittens, but we need to have an emotional connection with him. Surely he's loyal to his men and to the general, without being maudlin on the one hand or slavish on the other. Those are good, but we still aren't really getting inside him.

Now I'm betting that he's hard to get to know, but the reader is supposed to be inside his head. That means that we want to know a bit more about his inner life. He stands attention when the general arrives. How does he feel as he's doing that? Is he annoyed with himself? With the general? How does he feel when he hears Angel's voice? Invigorated? Sad they've not talked in years. Ditto when he learns he's going to reconnect with his team. He has feelings even if he doesn't show and even if he's not fully in touch with them himself. Sam's a character that screams for close third person limited--the closer the better. All the technology, danger, and everything else is less important than his person who's made a career of being an assassin.

Lawence Bloch has a whole series of crime stories where his protagonist is a hit man. In the first one I read, the guy was having a mid-life crisis. Should he get a dog? Collect stamps? What? That humanized him, even as he committed murder without the slightest remorse. That's the kind of thing I'm talking about.

Grammar
A few minor typos noted in the line-by-line remarks.

Just my personal opinion
Truthfully, my only major suggestion for this has to do with the info-dumps. It seemed slow, but I think the major reason as that at least of a third of it is narrated background. I'd cut all of that. What's necessary, I'd try to suggest with just a line or two without all the detail. I can tell this will be an exciting story, with insights into a secret world readers can suspect exists but not be sure where facts leave off and fiction begins. With tightening, it's written with a style that should make it attractive to a major publisher.

Thanks for sharing! I'm looking forward to reading more!

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in RED.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GREEN.

Sam was bored, bored beyond his usual Friday night self imposed delirium, yet he was still in control, always in control. My Comment: This sentence tells--as opposed to shows--things about Sam. Most of the rest of the paragraph shows him being bored, so you can cut that part of this sentence. What about his actions would show him being in control? He actually sounds kind of out-of-control to me.

"Stop staring at me or I'll kill you again you murdering bastard."My Comment: This begins a memory or a vision. You did a good job of setting it up, and the italics cue us that it's happening in his head as opposed to the here-and-now we were just in. But...where are we now? You've begun what amounts to a new scene--the vision/memory--with a disembodied voice speaking. When you transition into one of these, it's important to orient the reader on the basic who/what/when/where questions.

He cocked his head, straining to identify the sounds origin.My Comment: missing apostrophe

The moon beamed into the room with ghostly ominous.My Comment: ghostly ominous what? Missing noun at the end of this sentence.

From the shadows, Sam's grease-painted visage emerged as if from an inkwell.My Comment: Sam can't see himself, so this is an omniscient narrator, standing outside events, describing them.

The man was dreaming, his eyes moving under pallid lids, dodging back and forth like trapped insects trying to escape. My Comment: The inference that he's dreaming precedes the evidence--a tiny time reversal.

As he disappeared into the night, a small card fluttered from the darkness and fell on the dead general's forehead.My Comment: The omniscient narrator rears his head again...

Sam had not received an official military paycheck since 1990, after all, dead men have no need for money.My Comment: Comma splice

At the center of the desk sat a soap stone paperweight bearing a favorite inscription: There are always possibilities.My Comment: I have a soapstone paperweight on my desk engraved with a single word: "nothing." I think the point is similar.

Sam had survived twenty years of boots on the ground combat with only one blemish -- his last mission.My Comment: This paragraph, along with the preceding two, consist of the author telling the reader stuff. Doubtless this is important stuff, but it stops the story cold. Is this information that the reader needs to know right now, in order to understand the here and now of unfolding events? If no, then cut it. If the reader does need to know it, then devise a scene in which you reveal the information through the words and deeds of the characters as opposed to narrator exposition.

A one-inch thick slab of polycarbonate recessed into the reinforced blast-wall allowed the outside world into Sam's living quarters.My Comment: This launches three more paragraphs of omniscient narratation.

In the good old days, Kohl had been the shit thrower while Sam controlled the speed of the fan.My Comment: I love this sentence, but we continue with lots of exposition and no story.

Sam heard the approaching footsteps echoing off the concrete floor long before the knock. He took a deep breath.My Comment: Phrases like "Sam heard" filter the sensory information through his head. It's almost always more intimate and immediate for your readers if you describe directly what he heard. Since we're in his head already, readers will infer that he heard it--indeed, that little step of inference helps to draw them into the story. If you want to emphasize he heard it, have him react as you do in the second sentence.

. There was one thing they all had in common, sudden death by unknown assailants.My Comment: Another paragraph of background.

These hand full of peopleMy Comment: This handful. I have to say that this conversation is excellent, full of tension. I would like a touch more sense of what's going on in Sam's head, though.

He pulled an I-phone from his pocket and laid it in front of Sam.My Comment: iPhone. Not a secure communication device. Blackberry is the only company that paid attention to data security...before they screwed up.

Sam moved his hand over the glossy image of his old team, remembering each man as if the last ten years had been a dream.My Comment: launches another info-dump

"Hello Sam. It's been a long time. Can I assume you've had your meeting with the General?"My Comment:...and the story finally restarts.

, yet these personality idiosyncrasies were scrubbed away by a dry sense of humor. My Comment: passive voice

"You sure you're not Kohl's illegitimate son," Sam said. He heard a chuckle.My Comment: "He heard..." see comment above.

In brief, I had one of your modified Osprey's reconfigured to host a few men comfortably for an extended flight time, My Comment: This is a little confusing, since I had inferred this was the kind of retro-fit that Sam's factory had been doing.

Sam felt a vibration in his phone, My Comment: "Sam felt..." is like "He heard..."

That could only refer to one man. Sam's hand brushed the image of a mountainous man lMy Comment: "man" repeats. Repeating words and phrases runs the risk of making your prose seem monotone.

his humorous inferences to an evil enemy from above was the real kicker. Sam felt the first twinges of a headache.My Comment: Improper use of "inference." I think you mean "references."

Operation Desert Storm lasted 100 hours and was a rousing victory, My Comment: launches yet more narrated background

A lance of lightening followed by rolling thunder woke SamMy Comment: ...and here the story re-starts...

Sam felt his I-phone vibrate.My Comment: "Sam felt" is like "Sam heard..."

His second thought was one that would also cross each man's mind as they winged into the unknown -- this mission would likely be their last.My Comment: good hook

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out my essay

on short stories.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

214

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4051479

Review of Kalamity

Review by

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Need a review? Visit

Hi. My name is Max. Here is the fourth of the four reviews you won in the "Genre Auction and Fundraiser"

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Item Reviewed: "Kalamity"

Author kiyasama
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
I've enjoyed my soujourn into your portfolio. This steampunk story was a nice change of pace, showcases your versatility as an author. There are many excellent examples of vivid, demonstrative prose here, so let me just choose to highlight

Pretty features scrunched with distaste; her lace-gloved hands tightening around the handle of a parasol as white as the well-made summer dress clinging to her petite figure.

Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

I know I've mentioned this in the other reviews, and I hate to be repetitive, but his is especially important in this story. In addition to drawing the readers into your fictional world, you need to orient your readers at the start of each new scene. Orienting means establishing a who is in the scene
b what they are doing
c when the action is taking place
d where they are at
e why they are doing what they doing.
This story is built around flashbacks as Edmund waits, jammed in the conning tower, for whatever may come. Each flashback disrupts the here-and-now of the story and threatens to pull the reader out of the fictional dream. The transitions to and from the flashbacks become critical, or else you will confuse readers. Confused readers stop reading--the last think you want!

Your transitions all use visual markers--a centered dash--so that the readers will know you're shifting them to a new time and place. That's useful and almost essential. But each flashback is a new scene, and thus you need to establish the basic facts--answer the questions about--as possible. Ideally, you'll do this in the first sentence. That's hard, but it can be done with some clever work.

Secondarily, the transitions to the past are memories, triggered by thoughts in the present. For example, the first transition seemed to set up a remembered incident with Aunt Beatrice, but instead it's with Sarah. That confused me, especially as the "who" question wasn't answered at the start of the scene. When I read "she," with no name attached, I assumed the pronoun referred to Beatrice and was confused when Sarah suddenly showed up. Who was she? Someone new? You get the idea--and I was reading attentively.

My major advice for this story is to strengthen these transitions, with a particular eye to orienting the reader.

Plot
Edmund takes to see in one of those new-fangled underwater boats. His fiance Sarah has dark forebodings, but he's confident.

Style and Voice
Third person limited, but with a couple of little bobbles.

Referencing
The teaser describes this as steampunk, and you did include many elements that are consistent with that. However--see above--I think your opening paragraph needs to have something that helps to establish the era and the genre.

Characters
We all have had relatives like Aunt Beatrice. I remember one of mind who never missed an opportunity to share her wisdom--as in, "I'm going to teach you a lesson." Lucky me. She's a great minor character for just that reason, although she doesn't have a very big role.

Edmund and Sarah are credible enough to play their roles.

Adverbs.

You alread know my thoughts here. Adverbs like weakly, nervously, playfully, gently, tenderly--to name a few--are all telling. They are shortcuts for the more intimate and immediate prose that shows the emotions and actions that they modify.

As an example, consider this from your story:

She giggled and tried to swat at him playfully

This is an awesome sentence except for the adverb at the end, which is just a speedbump that gets in the way. She "giggles" and "swats" at him. The action and the choice of verb show her being playful, so you don't need the adverb. The point is that you know how to show, as you've demonstrated here.

So, one thing I'd recommend is that you examine every "-ly" word in your story. Ask yourself first if it adds anything to what you've already written. If it doesn't--if it's like the above example--take it out. If it does add something, then put yourself in your POV character's head, observing the action. What about the action would let him infer the information contained in the adverb. That's what you need to describe--as you did above.

For an example of the second kind, consider where he "kissed her tenderly." If, instead, he "brushed his lips against hers," that implies he did it tenderly, and you don't need the adverb.

Just my personal opinion
I liked this story of a Edmund recalling important and random events from his past in his damaged submarine. Ordinarily, I'd point out that successful short stories that use flashbacks are rarely successful, but they are an integral part of this story and the major character's arc. They are the story, which is why the transitions in and out of them are even more critical.

Thanks for sharing this story and for inviting me to visit your port. I've enjoyed reading your work, which shows considerable talent and pathos.

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in RED.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GREEN.

"It reminds me of a zeppelin," she muttered. My Comment: Who is "she?" The nearest female antecedent is Aunt Beatrice, and I thought that was who this was until you name Sarah a couple of paragraphs later.

"Sarah..." he began again, but was interrupted at the unpleasant sight of his fellow seaman, Henry Padwig. He groaned and hoped he'd be able to come up with a decent excuse to cut this discussion short. Everyone knew of Henry's notorious antics especially with members of the opposite sex.My Comment: I'm feeling pretty disoriented here, as I have no idea where this is taking place. Why is this seaman interrupting this conversation?

No one dared speak to her that way. My Comment: If this is Sarah's thought, it's a point-of-violation since it hops from Edmund's head to hers.

His job was simple yet crucial; to help maneuver the submarine until its diving area.My Comment: until it reached its diving area?

...and allowed a weary smile to come to his blood-streaked features. My Comment: he can't see his features, so this is a POV violation

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out my essay

on short stories.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

215

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4041220

Review of A Day in The Dark

Review by

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

** Image ID #1992612 Unavailable **

Hi! My name is Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

, and I'm here to review your entry in the "Invalid Item"

Item Reviewed: "A Day in The Dark"

Author D. Monick

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
There is some fine descriptive writing here. I chose your opening sentences, since they are critical to launching the fictional dream and establishing point of view:

Keith crouched near a dumpster, scooting his back against the cold brick wall behind him. He sucked in his breath and tried his best to quiet his breathing. Nervous sweat crept down his face and his bottom lip quivered as he suppressed his urge to scream for help.

Point of View
(35 points out of 40)
You did a pretty good job of staying in Keith's head, but there were a few minor bobbles noted in the line-by-line remarks below.

Creativity and originality
(20 points out of 25)
If I hadn't read your teaser, I would have a bit of a problem figuring out this was a fallen world beset by demons, although it was clear it was post-apocalyptic in some fashion.

Effective Showing (not telling)
(12 points out of 15)
A few instances that could be sharpened--see the line-by-line remarks. In particular, I found a lot of adverbs--over fifty.

Adverbs.

You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

Plot and Pacing
(8 points out of 10)
The plot was all right, but this felt more like a chapter than a short story. The conclusion didn't quite come together for a satisfying ending.

Technical Proficiency (such as grammar, spelling, proof-reading, and following the contest rules)
(9 points out of 10)

Comma Splices.

A comma splice occurs when you have two complete sentences joined by a comma where a period or semicolon should be used. I've marked one or more of these in the line-by-line comments below.

Total Points
84 points out of 100

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

The writing was quite nice in this story, although I thought perhaps a bit overdone here and there. OVerall, though, I like the prose, which was poetic and always vivid.

Thanks for sharing!

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in RED.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GREEN.

The alley was littered with crumpled soda bottles and wadded up papers.My Comment: Passive voice, which puts your readers in a passive, receptive mood. Active verbs are generally better for this reason.

After concluding that it was safe he rose from his hiding place cautiously, keeping his legs bent and muscles tensed, ready for anything.My Comment: You show him being cautious with the description of his legs. You don't need the adverb, which is telling.

A chill swept over the alley so he zipped his jacket up to the neck and pulled the hood over his head before turning toward the northern end of the alleyway. He walked as silent as he could, treading lightly in his scuffed, brown leather boots. When he reached the narrow opening of the alley My Comment: Be careful about repeating words and phrases, which runs the risk of making your prose seem monotone. "Alley" appears 3x in this short passage.

Passed the opening of the hallway he saw the scorched wooden frame of a couch.My Comment: Typo: past. Also, "he saw" filters the sensory information through Keith. It's almost always more immediate and intimate for your readers to describe directly what he saw. You can have him react in some way if you want to emphasize he saw it.

As he neared the end of the passage he viewed a small refrigerator passed the remains of the couch. His eyes widened and his belly rumbled ravenously.My Comment: the adverb adds nothing here.

He sat still for a moment, fear slithering under his skin, sending shivers down his limbs. My Comment: great description!

Glaring down at him through a fist sized hole in the ceiling was a large, blood shot eye with a pale yellow iris and vicious intent.My Comment: POV bobble: how does he know the intent?

The eye’s long tapered pupil focused on Keith and narrowed, and then a long high pitched shriek stabbed at Keith’s ears. My Comment: "long" repeats...see above.

The eye widened with anger as Keith got farther away, My Comment: another POV bobble, telling us what the owner of the eye is feeling.

He saw his breath send up a swirl of black bust and soot particles which danced lightly in the air before scattering into nothing.My Comment: "He saw" is like above. Did you mean "dust" instead of "bust." The adverb really adds nothing and slows the pace.

All color left Keith’s faceMy Comment: POV bobble. Keith can't see his face.

As he looked away he spotted a rusty pipe protruding from a large hole in the wall. My Comment: "large" is one of those adjectives that is nonspecific and gives no sense of scale. It could be anything from six inches to six feet.

He reached for it slowly, My Comment: Another adverb, this time a weak verb/adverb combination. Perhaps he "groped?"

Keith’s terror stricken face.My Comment: He can't see his face--a POV bobble.

He tiredly gazed at the smog ridden skyMy Comment: "tiredly" tells us he's tired as opposed to showing it.

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Even though I'm scoring this for a contest, I'm also reviewing in part for my own edification. Thus, as is my usual policy, I have given a rating of "4" to all contest entries. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for our contest. We hope you found it to be fun and a learning experience. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out my {x-link:http://maxgriffin.net/LongMusings.shtml}

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

216

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4020481

Review of Night.

Review by

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

** Image ID #1992612 Unavailable **

Hi! My name is Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

, and I'm here to review your entry in the "Invalid Item"

Item Reviewed: "Night."

Author Carmen

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
I especially liked what Iaen sees when he looks at himself in the mirror:

He didn't look fully human- his face and cheekbones too pointed, his pale skin accented. His eyes only had a trace of brown in them in this lighting, and he could see the sadness in his eyes.

His hair was past his shoulders, and his bangs were starting to cover his eyes. His hair was barely distinguishable in the blackness.

Point of View
(30 points out of 40)
You do a good job of sticking with Iaen as your point-of-view character and never "head-hop" to Laura. However, there are several places where an omniscient narrator rears her head, standing outside the story and describing things. See the line-by-line remarks for some of these.

Creativity and originality
(25 points out of 25)
I loved the mystery and edginess of this chapter. You clearly have an original and detailed fictional world that underpins the events of the chapter, and you've filled in just enough details to whet the reader's appetite for me. Nice job!

Effective Showing (not telling)
(10 points out of 15)
See my comments above on narrator intrusions.

Adverbs.

You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

I also thought that there were places where the adjectives and descriptions were a bit over-done. See the line-by-line remarks below for examples.

Plot and Pacing
(5 points out of 10)
While Iaen and Laura are fleeing something, it's never quite clear what, nor what the dangers are. The pacing is rather slow, as well, interupted by by sometimes too-detailed descriptions coupled with the rather vague menace. Thus, there's not a lot of tension in this chapter. The plot also seemed a bit thin, although I admit that a first chapter in a novel has different plot requirements than a short story. Still, in a novel the reader needs to know the goals of the protagonist--Iaen--and what happens if he fails to get what he wants. These are the stakes, and one of the main reasons readers will keep reading after the first chapter. Not knowing the goals, it's also unclear what obstacles Iaen faces.

Technical Proficiency (such as grammar, spelling, proof-reading, and following the contest rules)
(8 points out of 10)
No word count.
Also, for readability paragraphs should be set off with an extra space.
I saw several places with repeated words in the same sentence--I noted at least one in the line-by-line remarks below.

Total Points
78 points out of 100

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

I seem to recall reading an earlier version of this chapter. I liked it then, and I still like it. Thanks for sharing, and good luck in the contest!!!

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in RED.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GREEN.

Iaen hated the word. He hated when the sky faded after a brilliant sunset to an ashy black, until the sky was dark as ink or dark as his raven-colored hair. He hated how he couldn’t tell who was friend, and who was enemy. He hated feeling unsafe, insecure. He hated how the black night reminded him of the dark aspects of his life and tattered family.My Comment: This paragraph is all an omniscient narrator, standing outside the story, telling the reader things about Iaen. Note, too, that since he's fleeing, he's unlikely to be thinking about the color of his hair.

pulling her along to the abandoned shack he had stayed in on the way to New Jersey to find the small girl beside him.

My Comment: I had to read this twice...the entire sentence is a bit over-long.

My Comment: "was dimmed" is passive voice. The cloudes both covered the stars and dimmed the moon, right? So you have an actor doing the action, hence avoid the passive voice. Also, "diamond" stars doesn't feel like something Iaen would think as he's fleeing. Since the descriptions should reinforce his point of view, this is an example of a poetic description that doesn't quite fit the POV.

Iaen was a demigod, born to a human and a Greek god. My Comment: This launches a paragraph where the author intrudes to tell the reader stuff. It's important stuff, to be sure, but it's still author narration. This stops the story cold an disrupts the fictional dream. It's also happening outside of the point of view of Iaen.

From the moment he had met the small, willful little girl, Iaen had felt something spark in his heart that hadn’t been there since his family’s death.My Comment: A tiny time reversal, which pulls readers away from the here-and-now of events.

Iaen checked the fire, and put the pot with the three cans-worth of soup (which he had found in the cabinet) on it. He then crossed to Laura.My Comment: It's generally considered bad style to use parenthetic comments. In addition, this is another tiny time reversal.

He was a little worried, because she seemed to be a bit delirious. My Comment: Since you're in Iaen's head, it's acceptable to tell the reader he's worried, but can you show her being delirious?

His angular face was lit up in the warm flame, and shadows dramatized his face.My Comment: "face" repeats in this sentence...perhaps use "features" in the second instance?

But Iaen didn't see this.My Comment: If Iaen didn't see it, then the above is a violation of his point of view.

and in the years to come, she would lead him out of the darkness and into the light. My Comment: This is something Iaen cannot know, so it violates his POV. It's the narrator, intruding to state a fact.

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Even though I'm scoring this for a contest, I'm also reviewing in part for my own edification. Thus, as is my usual policy, I have given a rating of "4" to all contest entries. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for our contest. We hope you found it to be fun and a learning experience. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out my {x-link:http://maxgriffin.net/LongMusings.shtml}

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

217

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4009737

Review of The Stolen Symphony

Review by

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Need a review? Visit

Hi. Thank you for asking me to critique your story. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

Item Reviewed: "The Stolen Symphony"

Author E. Greycourt

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
Openings are hard to write because they need to do so many things. They need to launch the fictional dream and draw readers into your imaginary world. They need to establish point of view. They need to show the reader what the story will be about. They need to do all of these things in just a sentence or two, making them fiendishly difficult. I liked your opening paragraph because

(a) you name your point of view character;
(b) he's doing something--you start in media res;
(c) you orient the reader in space and time;
(d_ you establish this is going to be a SciFi story and foreshadow the theme.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream. Your opening does a fine job of accomplishing these tasks. For that reason, I've picked your opening paragraph as my favorite part.

Plot
Time travel stories are almost always about taking responsibility for our actions, and this one's no different. Here, technology has overwhelmed a powerful cultural icon--one that is dedicated to unity of humanity. Benjamin tries to capture a piece of that cultural heritage, and in so doing destoys it. The plot, and its twist, is nicely realized.

My only quibble is that early in the story you imply that almost no one listens to classical music any more, yet by the end the guard says it's "no problem" to play the ninth for him. I'm betting the typical jailer today would be clueless if a prisoner asked him to play Beethoven's ninth.

Style and Voice
Mostly third person limited. I made some detailed suggestions in the remarks below on the opening about ways to tweak the narrative to intensify the point of view and make it more intimate and immediate.

Referencing
I wonder if you could give us a bit more of what 1815 and 2162 feel like? The smells, the sights, the sounds? Personalizing this would help bring the worlds to life.

Scene/Setting
See above...the scenes were pretty sparse. They were sufficient for staging, but I could have used a touch more detail.

Grammar

Adverbs.

You don't overuse adverbs (well, there are over 70 in this piece), but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

I already wrote to tell you how much I enjoyed this story. I love sciFi, I love good music, and this story brings the two together. The thematic material is strong without overwhelming the story, the characters are credible, the twist is perfect. I admit that I made quite a few detailed comments in the line-by-line remarks below, but that's precisely because I liked the story and I thought it deserved in-depth attention.

I hope you find some of these comments helpful. I think this story shows you have a talent for SciFi and for literature--stories with meaning that make the reader think. Keep on writing!!!

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in RED.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GREEN.

Benjamin Grey's curved fingers poised themselves over the ivory keys of his Yamaha silent piano while his stare transfixed on the tattered sheet in front of him. Ben lowered his fingers to the keys, but the room remained silent, as if his hands were apprehensive about the keys on which they should delicately pound.
Suddenly, as if he were shocked with electricity, he began playing the notes so messily written on the sheet of music set on top of the music stand. The notes seemed out of place in the electronic music age of the year 2162. Traditional piano sounds were not even heard outside of the ramshackle symphony halls built so long ago.
The cadence of the notes sounded vaguely familiar to Ben. He dismissed it, thinking that pieces of classical music throughout the ages were bound to have repeated motifs and melodies. The young pianist played on, adding his own embellishments and variations to the rough notes on the sheet. My Comment: So you already know I liked the opening. I've told you many things that are good about it. Now I'm going to make some micro-suggestions that I think will make it better.

First, you've got Benjamin's fingers poising themselves as opposed to Benjamin poising his fingers. What's wrong with this metaphor is that it distances the reader from Benjamin--you want to put the readers inside his head. He's the one who is hesitant, not his fingers. So have him poise them. The later simile--"as if his hands were apprehensive"--isn't quite so distancing precisely because it's a simile, but even here I'd try to be more intimate about Benjamin's hesitancy. Have him frown, maybe chew the side of mouth. Perhaps perspiration runs down his temple and tickles his cheek. That "tickle" is an internal sensation that helps to draw the readers into his head.

The simile in the second paragraph--"as if he were shocked with electricity"--also pulls the readers out of Benjamin's head. This is an observation that someone standing to one side, watching Benjamin would make. It's not something he'd be thinking or feeling. Now, if sudden inspiration shocks him like a jolt of electricity, that's something he'd feel (the inspiration), and now it can unleash a torrent of notes. This small change transforms this from an external narrator telling the story to being inside Benjamin's head, experiencing the story (showing versus telling).

Getting even pickier, the phrase "...he began playing the notes so messily written on the sheet of music..." made me read twice. Was he playing messily, or were the notes messy? I know you mean the latter, but I had to stop and think. Notice, too, that this is telling the reader that the notes are messy. Have him squint at the scribbled score--that shows the writing was messy because he's squinting to read it.

Finally, be careful about repeating words and phrases in close proximity because this runs the risk of making your prose seem monotone. I underlined the instances of "notes," by way of example.

Five hours earlier, in the year 1815 A.D.My Comment: I know this is a time travel story, and so you will necessarily show parts of it out of order. However, Benjamin is your point of view character, and he experiences events in a linear order. Thus, what follows is, for Benjamin, a flashback. In a short story--or in the opening chapter to a novel--flashbacks are dangerous things. The reason is that the disrupt the readers' experience of events. The whole idea of the fictional dream is to encourage readers to experience the fictional world holistically, the same way that they experience the real world. We can't have flashbacks in the real world, so in a fundamental way the flashback conflicts with the fictional dream. In a novel, you've got time to set up the flashback, to ease into and out of it, so that it's a more natural event. You've also had at least one chapter to establish the characters and the world in which they live--which is why a flashback is a bad idea in a first chapter.

Here, there's really no reason for the flashback. There are several ways to re-work the story. For example, you could start here, in 1815. Or you could have Benjamin returning to 1815 to get another scrap of paper. Or maybe on the first trip he'd just used his phone to take a picture of the manuscript. Now he's going back to get a more legible copy.

In fact, I'd recommend starting with him jumping to 1815, since time travel is an essential part of the story. You could accomplish all the things you do with your original opening by starting in 1815, including foreshadowing the thematic material.

Benjamin Grey carefully extracted a pageMy Comment: Note the adverb, "carefully." How would someone watching him infer he was being careful? Is there some particular aspect of his demeanor that's revealing? As it stands, "carefully" is telling as opposed to showing.

Just once, Ben thought, just once let me break the rules. It won't matter. He'll probably throw that old scrap of sheet music out anyway. There is no significance to this sheet. My Comment: wonderful foreshadowing

It's silly to feel this way, he thought, I can come back in a couple of months. My Comment: You have correctly denoted his internal thoughts by placing them in italics. This is the editorial standard, which also includes omitting "thought tags." The italics are sufficient to cue the reader that this is an internal thought.

As his molecules rearranged themselves in the proper order, Ben carefully folded the stolen sheet of music and tucked it under his reappearing shirt. He exited the Time Pod and went over to the Time Keepers that discharge the Time Pods. In his metropolis, Tridelphi, there were five hundred Time Pods for public use at any given time. It looked like everyone in the city had either taken a trip today or was going to. No wonder they had cut his trip to 1815 short. My Comment: There's some telling as opposed to showing in this paragraph. For example, if you describe the size and appearance of Time Pod Hall (or whatever), then you've shown the size as opposed to telling us it held 500 pods. I'd give it a vaulted ceiling and make it as large as a basketball arena. Fill it with sights, sounds and smells. Perhaps there's an ozone burn in the air, or the fetid scent of dinosaur spit. Maybe Time Pod Hall (assuming that's where they are at) is a converted concert hall or cathedral--that would tie with your theme, right?

His curved fingers poised themselves over the ivory keys of his Yamaha silent pianoMy Comment: Of course, here you repeat word-for-word your opening paragraph. It fits better here, so why not omit it at the beginning?

They were playing Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, and they had chosen the version that had a special piano solo.

My Comment: Is there such a version? I admit I'm not an expert. If there's not, then I'd personalize this with some little detail. Maybe it's the "controversial Xuan Hi orchestration" that showcased the great piano virtuoso of the 2240s.

John Cage Symphony Hall My Comment: I love Cage's work...well, except for "4'33"." I liked the rhythm, but it's short on melody. Ha ha.

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out my essay

on short stories.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

218

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3985176

Review of The Social Contract, Chapter 0.5

Review by

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

Item Reviewed: "The Social Contract, Chapter 0.5"

Author WilliamMcGonagall

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
There are lots of clever bits here that brought a smile to my face. "Abraham was about as poised as a hummingbird" is one, and the description of the girls building a plastic spoon tower with pudding cement is another. These all give the Tyler an amusing and self-deprecating humor that makes him an appealing character.

Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

Starting in media res--"in the middle of things"--is always good advice. Readers want to learn about your characters and the world they inhabit the same way they learn about real people and the real world: holistically, through experiences as opposed to being told stuff.

Your opening two sentences aren't bad, but then you continue on for several paragraphs until we hit the "It all started..." paragraph. If that's where it started, then that's where the chapter should start! Let readers learn the things you've told us in the prior paragraphs by seeing the characters in motion and by putting words in their mouths. Enmesh the readers in the here-and-now of events, draw them into Tyler's head and, through him, into your fictional world.

The pacing is also quite slow. Where the story actually starts is when Abraham taps Tyler on the shoulder, which happens at the bottom of page two, 1200 words into a 2700 word chapter. You could readily cut those 1200 words by more than half. In particular, given the opening sentences, the sooner you have Abraham and Tyler interacting, the better. After all, that's the important part of this chapter.

Plot
Tyler and Abraham sign a pact to become allies while in elementary school, a decision with life-long consequences.

Hook
Hooks are what keep the readers interested enough to turn the page to the next chapter. The final sentence is a reasonably good hook, although it's not at all clear why Tyler is "in trouble."

You might glance at this blog

for a discussion of how to create effective hooks.

Style and Voice
First person, in Tyler's head.

About 30% of published fiction uses a first person narrator, while the overwhelming majority of the remainder uses third person limited. I believe one reason for this is that's it's harder to write effective fiction using a first person narrator. It's tempting to fall into imagining your readers sitting across you, in front of a fireplace, while you tell them your story. The problem with that is that you fall into telling your story as opposed to showing it. An example of this would be the first 1200 words of your chapter, which entirely consist of Tyler telling us things in narrated form as opposed to putting your characters in action, in word and deed.

Scene/Setting
Sufficient--just barely--for staging, which means I could envision where the characters were in relation to each other.

Characters
Tyler is an engaging character, and you've done a good job of making him someone the readers will want to know and cheer for.

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

I've already commented on the need to start in the middle of action, which helps to launch the fictional dream.

In addition, some things that initial chapters should do are

(a) make the protagonist appealing enough that readers will want to cheer for him or her;
(b) reveal what the character wants--what his or her goals are;
(c) reveal why the goals matter--the stakes; and
(d) what are the obstacles to achieving the goals?

These are part of constructing a good hook, and are especially important in an opening chapter. Now, the protagonist's goal in chapter one doesn't have to be the long-term goal for the entire novel, but the protagonist should want something and be blocked in some way from getting it. We also need to know the stakes, because that's why the protagonist cares about the goal.

Hitchcock famously observed that the plot is there to give the characters something to care about, while the audience cares only about the characters. There's truth to this observation, and so while I think you need stronger stakes and goals in this chapter, you've accomplished the most important task by making Tyler interesting and someone readers will to succeed. That's hard to do, and you did it well.

Thanks for sharing, and do keep writing!!

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in RED.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GREEN.

('I was ten!' he kept saying when I showed him an earlier draft of this. 'How could I have said that? Do you even know any kids?') My Comment: Editors almost always dislike parenthetic comments. While this one has the advantage of having someone speak, it pulls the reader away from the immediate narrative and back to a previous time.

(Adolescence was not going to be kind to Nathan.)My Comment: See above. This one pulls readers out of the here-and-now of the table conversation.

Right as I passed the garbage can, I felt a tap on the shoulder.My Comment: Be careful about phrases like "I felt/saw/smelled" or otherwise sensed. This tells the readers what Tyler sensed, as opposed to showing. We're in his head, so if you just say, "A tap at my shoulder made me turn..." readers will infer he "felt" it. That little step of inference helps to draw readers into his head and hence into the story. You can have him react in some way if you want to emphasize he felt it.

(e.g. 'Please pass the mustard')My Comment: an em-dash is more appropriate here than parentheses.

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out my {x-link:http://maxgriffin.net/LongMusings.shtml}

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

219

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3979447

Review of A Politician's True Constituents

Review by

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

Jeff,

This is is a cogent essay, well-written and persuasive. You raise a fundamental question: do we have a majoritarian democracy or not? While the plural of anecdote is not data--after all, you only give one example--readers can identify with the story behind this single piece of legislation. However, you may be interested in a recent multivariate study

from Princeton University that supports the premise that our government has become an oligarchy, where wealthy business interests dominate policy decisions.

Even if we were a majoritarian democracy, the premise that a congressman, senator, or other elected official represents "all" the people is seriously flawed--at least in the US.

By way of contrary example, consider a case from about a decade ago where a referendum was proposed in Slovenia, part of the former Yugoslavia. The referendum had to do with restricting the political and economic rights of certain non-Slovenians in the new republic. Opinion polls in the country overwhelmingly showed that the population felt that fundamental human rights are just that, and their extension or denial to groups should not be subject to majority vote. The referendum thus never happened.

Now contrast that with recent events in the US. It's impossible to see how "religious protection" votes, such as those in Arizona and other states, protect the rights of "all" the people since they are designed specifically to restrict access to public accommodations by one segment of the population. The same kind of "religious protection" laws were attempted in the 1950s and 1960s, except they targeted racial minorities back then. The representatives voting for such laws, now or in the 1960s, are specifically NOT representing "all" the people since their actions are not only deliberately hostile to a particular segment of the population, but the underlying debates demonstrate they are based solely on malice.

While these votes seem to be "grass roots" mass movements (in the context of the Princeton analysis) simple research suggests that they are in fact movements incited and heavily subsidized by a small number of extremely wealthy individuals. Indeed, the overall goal of these individuals is, arguably, to distract attention from the ongoing looting the wealth of the nation.

Well, I've rambled and not really given you a review but rather--I hope--further evidence in support of your basic premise. Inciting me to write this shows how effective your essay is.

Max

220

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14 days may be credited.

#3974772

Review of Giant Snake Holds Community Hostage

Review by

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Item Reviewed: "Giant Snake Holds Community Hostage"

Author Lesley Scott

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
I'm not a big fan of snakes, especially big ones with sharp teeth. But you managed to make me feel sorry for this one--quite a feat!

Plot
This is another wonderful story of human/animal interaction.

Style and Voice
This reads like a newspaper article. I don't mean that as criticism, exactly, since it's not easy to write a good newspaper article. But news stories aren't the same as fictional stories, even when the fiction is based on real life. Since you asked me to read this, I'm assuming you wanted suggestions on how to make it read more like "fictionalized" history.

Good journalism will often summarize events in narrative form since that provides an efficient and effective way of conveying information. We learn what people said, but don't often hear them speaking directly, nor do we get the subtexts of body language, scent, or other elements of a story we'd encounter by living it in the real world.

In fiction, however, the goal isn't to summarize information but instead to create the illusion--the fictional dream--that the story is really unfolding real-time on the page. Of course, that dream happens in the readers' imaginations, so the goal is to stimulate the readers into imagining events along with the author.

Stylistic elements that are effective journalism, where you want to get the facts on paper, often are NOT effective fiction, where you want to get the events unfolding inside the readers' heads. I've flagged some places in the line-by-line remarks below where I think you've summarized things rather than showing them.

Just my personal opinion
I enjoyed this story, the events, and the characters--even the snake! I hope you find my comments helpful, and thank you for sharing!

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in RED.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GREEN.

My friend, Joe, a pet dealer that mostly sold snakes, cried hysterically. All I could make out was, “Big Mama.” She is his pride and joy, a Burmese python,My Comment: Be careful with tense. In the first sentence, we are in the fictional past, while in the second sentence we move to the present. Your narrator should use the same tense throughout.

I coulc see the window shattered and the thief used the keys to let the others in. All of the evidence poined to someone My Comment: A couple of minor typos here.

Also, the lock on her cage had been opened, apparently with the spare keys.My Comment: repeats information previously given.

One woman told me that she was afraid to go outside to hang up her clothes. Several other callers were keeping their kids from playing outdoors. I tried to explain that the large snake had been stolen not at large anywhere in Nash County. I had started a panic. This was really happening.

The police department refused to investigate. The common belief was that Joe was lying and wanted to collect insurance money.My Comment: This little excerpt is an example where your are summarizing, in narrative form, what happens. See my comments above on narrative summary versus showing in real-time.

Joe still felt inconsolable. My Comment: This tells the reader his emotional state rather than showing it. What about his appearance would let someone infer he's inconsolable? Maybe he's got red-rimmed eyes, a tremulous voice, or perhaps he's weeping.

Now, to find Big Mama. Released late on a Friday night where a large, boggy swamp was across the streetMy Comment: I later inferred that she must have been released INTO the boggy swamp. I'd clarify that here.

came close to biting Anthony’s hand.My Comment: Who is Anthony? He's only mentioned in this paragraph...

I noticed a beautiful snake.My Comment: You don't need this, since you describe in the next sentence the ways in which you found the snake beautiful. The "I noticed" distances the readers from your lovely description. If you want to emphasize that you noticed it, perhaps give an emotional or some other reaction after the description...

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out my {x-link:http://maxgriffin.net/LongMusings.shtml}

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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14 days may be credited.

#3965406

Review of Sjarush

Review by

Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)

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Hi. My name is Max. You recently reviewed one of my essays on craft, so I thought I'd glance at your portfolio. I'm glad I did, as I found this short story. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

Item Reviewed: "Sjarush"

Author DyrHearte writes

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
There are some wonderful passages in this piece. For example, the descriptions and cadences of the following are almost poetic and match perfectly the mood and emotional context:

The doctor had said he was still there at the Institute, and that he had just turned some kind of corner in his treatment. She frowned as she looked where her son had been sitting not five minutes ago. The dandelion bouquet was in the corell cup of water and the glass of milk was almost empty and only one cookie was left and it was half eaten. Her Sjarush, had been there and he had given her the dandelions and she had hugged him and he had drank his milk and eaten his cookies, but he hadn't really been there; had he?

Plot
This is the tale of loss, consuming grief, recovery and the hope of redemption. These are strong themes with a compelling set of events to support them.

Style and Voice
Segments of this story use third person limited, deep inside the heads of various characters: Sjurash, his mother, and his physciian. However, precisely because the point-of-view tends to hop from head-to-head, sometimes in the same scene, I concluded that this story uses an omniscient narrator, in which the author stands outside the fictional events, looking in. The author knows the internal thoughts of all the characters; in fact, the author knows everything.

This narrative style dominated 19th century literature and continued well into the 20th. However, it has all but disappeared from commercial fiction today. About 30% of all contemporary fiction uses a first person narrator, while the overwhelming majority of the remainder uses third person limited.

In third person limited, for each scene the author chooses one character to provide the point of view. The reader can know what that character sees, hears, smells, and otherwise senses. The reader can know what that character thinks, as well. But the reader has to infer these things about all the other characters through their words and deeds. The idea is that the author places the readers into the head of one character, and then the readers encounter the fictional world through that character in a holistic manner, the same way we encounter the real world. That's supposed to help draw the reader into the story and thus into the fictional world.

A novel can--and usually does--have many point-of-view characters, but there should be only one for each scene. Short stories generally have only one point of view, although there are certainly notable exceptions. However, in this case I think you could reframe all of these events in Sjurash's point of view. Done carefully, I think that would enhance the ghostly, almost spiritual, sense of the story.

I have the sense that you might have been thinking of movie as you wrote this. THat's not a bad idea--it can really help to bring scenes to life. But the point-of-view in a movie depends entirely on the camera, which serves as the eye of the viewer. In fiction, the story doesn't play out on a screen; it plays in the readers' head. Thus, stimulating the reader's imagination becomes a primary goal of the author. One of the most effective tools you've got to do this is point of view, putting the reader inside the head of a characte. Keeping the reader solidly in one point of view--at least for each scene--is thus one of the hallmarks of effective fiction.

Referencing
I liked the gentle insights to Indian culture.

Scene/Setting
Sufficient for staging--I was never in doubt about the position of the characters with respect to each other or their environment.

Grammar

Adverbs.

You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

So...I really liked this story a lot. Sjurash is a memorable character, and you relate a powerful and tragic incident from his past. The themes resonate with the events, too, and the emotional content is strong.

THere are some ways I think you could tweak, this, though. First, I thought the story just stopped, as opposed to ending. I see this is part of a set of stories set at the 'the institute,' so perhaps if I'd read them all I'd have a better sense of what "really" happened. But, as with the camera, I think some additional clarity would help to fill in the ending. You don't have to explain everything--I like ambiguity--but I think you need to provide some additional clues about what might be going on.

As you'll see below, I've made several comments on minor aspects of craft, many of them dealing with point of view. These are relatively simple to address, assuming you agree with my observations.

Thank you for sharing this story. I will not soon forget Sjurash.

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in RED.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GREEN.

When the lights flashed on, his routine started. First the systematic stretching of every muscle in his body starting with the toes and working up to facial contortion. Then out of bed. Use chamber pot. Stretch and limber up for yoga exercise. Finally, he sat in a partial lotus position and hummed the mantra and stared at the fish-eyed lens of the camera.My Comment: Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

This opening starts with your point-of-view character doing something. You've oriented the reader in time, and the camera foreshadows later events--although the specific significance eluded me. I have the sense that it is a metaphor, but I think it could be a little clearer. Remember, readers won't know what's in your head, and if they can be confused, they will be.

One way I'd tweak this is to name Sjaarush in the first sentence. For a grammatical reason, the pronoun "his" has no antecedent. A better reason is that naming him helps to draw readers into his head and hence into the fictional world.

I wonder also if you could use more subjective descriptions of the stretching and limbering? Again, that would help to draw readers into his head.

He watched as his little sister picked dandelions in their neighbor's front yard. My Comment: This and the following mini-flashback disoriented me somewhat. What's he watching? A video? A memory? I'd also name Sari--as in, "his little sisters, Sari..." so that it's evident who she is in the next paragraph.

Generally, time reversals like this are problematic in short fiction. In this case, we move from Sjarush waking up to some indeterminate time in the past, breaking the here-and-now of the fictional dream. If you could re-frame this in some way to keep things in the fictional present, I think it would be stronger.

condemned him for not watching and protecting his little sister.My Comment: This is the third time you've mentioned this fact. I know you're trying to show his guilt, but IMHO the repetition reduces the impact.

He didn't notice the food and water that had pushed through the metal door flap. He didn't notice the flickered warning that soon it would be lights out.My Comment: Since he doesn't notice these things, this slips into omniscient narration.

Sjarush was an emaciated young man who refused to eat or drink and who must be force fed intravenously so that he wouldn't die. He meditated everyday he wasn't in hospital and always with the same result. My Comment: Author intrudes to state some facts...

Kesha looked surprisedMy Comment: Tells us how she looks as opposed to showing it.

Kesha stepped toward her son, he was so thin and his skin nearly crackled when she hugged him,My Comment: This description slips briefly into Kesha's head.

Sjarush smelled hot oatmeal-raisin cookies and his mother pushed him toward the table and chair.My Comment: Here, we're back in Sjarush's head.

"His vitals are stable again doctor. He is going to make it." An electronic beep-beep, beep-beep, filled the silence as the doctor lifted an eyelid and waved a hand held light over the exposed eye. "Yes, pupils are responsive and he is breathing on his own, again. Everything seems okay now. I think we have turned some kind of corner. The crisis seems to be over."My Comment: Here, we've transitioned to a new time, place, and POV. Instead of starting with a disembodied voice speak, I'd consider starting with Dr. Sorenson doing or sensing something, and orient the readers to the new location, time, and put them in his head.

Mrs. Kesha Kalakesh closed her cell phone and looked into the kitchen where she had left Sjarush. My Comment: With this switch in POV and location, you HAVE oriented the reader in time, place, and POV. Good job!

walked brisklyMy Comment: This is one of those weak verb/adverb combinations I mentioned above.

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out my essay

on short stories.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

222

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3958513

Review of A Geometric Hymnal

Review by

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Liam,

Speaking as a mathematician, I really enjoyed this poem. It reminded me of a quote from the physicist A. E. Eddington:

We often think that when we have completed our study of one we know all about two, because 'two' is 'one and one.' We forget that we still have to make a study of 'and.'

It also reminded me a bit of the wonderful book by Martin Buber, I and Thou, which espouses somewhat the same philosophical premise as the poem. This idea has had a profound impact on my own life and living, and Buber's book is one of the most influential I've ever read.

I liked the references to geometry, too. Much of my own research involves the geometry of infinite dimensional spaces. There's more room to move around in, say, Lp, so these spaces are both simpler and more frustrating to study.

Anyway, it should be clear that I'm sympathetic to the theme and, as a mathematician, I loved the mathematical metaphor. But it's kind of flawed, for there are unquestionably singularities--these things called Black Holes. Indeed, there is evidence that there is such an object at the heart of every galaxy and thus that they might have provided the original galactic seeds.

The name "black hole" comes from the fact that their gravity is so intense that their escape velocity exceeds the speed of light. Thus, nothing that falls into one ever gets out--there is no communication between the "inside" of a black hole and the rest of the universe. They truly are singletons--and destructive singletons at that, voraciously gobbling up anything that happens to get too close.

This leads to the black hole information paradox

, where quantum theory meets relativity. While black holes are certainly singularities, whether their disconnection from the rest of the universe is eternal or not is an open question.

Anyway, I'm kind of rambling. I enjoyed this poem quite a lot. I'm not qualified to provide a helpful critique of poetry except to stand aside in awe, mouth agape, and say things like "Kewel."

Thanks for sharing!!!

max

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14 days may be credited.

#3951130

Review of The Other Mitchell, Part 3

Review by

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Need a review? Visit

Hi. Max again, completing your request that I read your opening chapters.

Item Reviewed: "The Other Mitchell, Part 3"

Author smitch

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
I still like the premise, and the way that you've cranking the tension while eking out bits of the plot.

Plot
We're getting a clear sense of danger, but the motivations for the bad guys are completely unclear. I assume you will have a reason why they are targeting high school kids instead of, say, the Prime Minister or some rich dude. For now, they are a pretty specific threat, but the threat is personal as opposed to more global.

Hook
Another good hook.

Referencing
Everything seems consistent. The only thing I'm wondering is where are Denny's parents? If this turns out to be important to the plot, you probably need to introduce this sooner.

Scene/Setting
Sufficient for staging--I can tell where all the characters are in relation to each other. How much extra scene setting to put in is generally a matter of taste. Some authors will almost make the scene a secondary character that reveals mood, theme, and even gives insights into the people populating your fictional world. Something as simple as a family portrait of Denny's parents could be a way to tell us where they are.

Grammar

Comma Splices.

More of these...I noted a couple when I was commenting on something else.

Just my personal opinion
I've focused this review on some other aspects of craft that increase intimacy and immediacy for the readers.

The plot is developing well, but the danger is still focused on Sean. Is his mother at risk, maybe? Or his town? A broader-than-me risk will increase the tension and the stakes.

Overall, this is a great idea for a novel. You're off to an awesome start!

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in RED.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GREEN.

I balled up a wad of paper towels and threw it at the pool of beer on the floor, with a sigh I toed it around and threw it back at Danny.My Comment:…comma splice…I think I'll stop pointing these out….

Gordon chuckled at my embarrassment.My Comment: This is a small POV violation: he can't know what's in Gordon's head.

we walked over to a group standing outside a large garage.My Comment: "large" is one of those non-specific adjectives that don't help paint a visual picture. Is it a three car garage? Maybe it's got extra room for a workshop? Fill in the details the reader knows what "large" means.

A cold finger touched my heart, I felt a tell-tale nub of skin another one of my friends--a fake.My Comment: Phrases like "I felt" tell the reader what he's feeling. It's almost always more immediate and intimate to describe directly what he felt. To emphasize he felt it, show his reaction by putting the "cold finger" after you describe what pressed against his probing hand. This is also a comma splice.

Inside was filled with a grey viscous gloop.My Comment: passive voice, which puts your readers in a passive, receptive mood. Instead, you want them to be your partners in imagining your fictional world. For this reason, active verb forms are preferable.

A fist grasped my heart and squeezed as I heard raised voices inside the house.My Comment: "I heard" is like "I felt" above. Also, this is another instance where you've reversed the cause and effect. First there are the raised voices, and then his reaction is the fist grasping his heart. Maintaining linear time is another technique for increasing the intimacy and immediacy of the events.

and I watched as Charlie backed in My Comment: "I watched" is like "I heard…"

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out my essay on short stories.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

224

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3950353

Review of The Other Mitchell, Part 1

Review by

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Need a review? Visit

Hi. My name is Max. Thanks for asking me to look at your chapter. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

Item Reviewed: "The Other Mitchell, Part 1"

Author smitch

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
The premise! Mitchell loses two weeks of memory and finds himself wearing a "skin suit" belonging to someone else. Then he sees his doppelganger driving his truck and chatting up his friends, as if he's the imposter. Awesome idea, and lots of good tension and mystery.

Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

You've essentially got two openings: a short sequence in third person limited, in Gordon Black's head, then you switch to first person in Mitchell's head. Given the premise, this works--and I especially liked the change from third person limited, which helped to cue the readers to the change in POV.

Plot
I've already commented on the plot, but I have to add that you've also inserted plenty of mystery. For example, you've given us reason to believe that Danny is "in" on some kind of conspiracy involving the body suits.

Hook
Awesome hook, of course. I can guess whose face they are staring at, but readers will have to turn the page to find out for sure.

Characters
Gordon comes across as pretty unpleasant--the line about the "nerd" he bullies into doing his homework establishes him as a creep. I wish that we had some reason to like Mitchell, though--to cheer for him. There's a brief mention of worries about how fragile his mother is, so I wonder if you might expand on this just a bit. For example, he might realize he's late in the locker room, and give her a call so she won't worry about him. If the readers see him as a caring son--as opposed to the bullying Gordon--they will have more reason to care about his predicament and to cheer for him.

Secondly, Mitchell seems to react rather more matter-of-factly to finding himself encased in someone else's skin that I would have expected. I wonder if you might expand this section just a bit, as he peels off the Gordon skin, and give us a bit more emotional punch?

Grammar

Comma Splices.

A comma splice occurs when you have two complete sentences joined by a comma where a period or semicolon should be used. I've marked one or more of these in the line-by-line comments below. In fact, there were a LOT of these, and I only marked one or two.

Adverbs.

You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

Just my personal opinion
I liked this opening chapter quite a lot. You've got a great premise, good mystery, lots of tension, and an awesome hook. There are a few places I flagged in the line-by-line remarks, but overall this is a fantastic opening chapter for your novel!

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in RED.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GREEN.

That nerdy guy he normally passes it off to had given him the slip–little fucker.My Comment: Changes tense from the fictional past to the fictional present...

As the hot water soothed the ache in Gordon’s shoulder he thought about home, his dad was on the earlies so he’d have to keep out of his way.My Comment: Comma splice

He had a real nasty temper after working the early shift, even though he was just as big as his dad he’d still beat Gordon for lamest reasons.My Comment: I think there are too many pronouns here to keep track of the referents. I'd replace at least one with "Gordon" or "his dad."

Kneeling I coughed and cleared the water. I blinked; my vision was partially obscured by something covering my face. Reaching up I pulled at whatever it was, with a squelch it released its hold on my face and fell from my hand, and with a slap it fell to my chest.My Comment: "face" repeats. Be careful about repeating words and phrases, as this runs the risk of making your prose seem monotone.

Rubbing at my hands and forearms to get warm, I noticed something wasn’t right, they were covered in dark hairs; but mine should be fair? I glanced at my shoulder. “Fuck! Where’s my tat!” I growled. The curling concentric rings of ink that should cover my pec, shoulder and bicep where missing–completely.My Comment: He's in a shower, his body doesn't seem to be his, and the first thing he thinks to check is his tattoo? I don't know about you, but my attention would immediately focus a bit...er...lower, where there would be inevitable anatomic differences that would be far more disturbing. Or so I'd think.

I slowly got to my feet, wobbling a little.My Comment: "Slowly" is one of those adverbs I mentioned above. This particular one appears seven times in this chapter, so it also falls in the category of "repeated words" mentioned above. Here, you've got a marvelous verb--wobbled--so I'd make it the primary verb in this sentence instead of a participle: "I wobbled to my feet." That's more direct, paints the same image, and moves the implied action to the center of the sentence.

I looked around, a single kit bag remained on a bench--Blacks.My Comment: Another comma splice. Also, there's a missing apostrophe: Black's.

What else had I done while trapped within the suit? Had no-one missed me while I was under that thing?, I thought to myself.My Comment: At this point, you've established we're in Mitchel's head, so the readers can infer that this is an internal thought. The editorial standard is to NOT use "thought tags" as you've done here. If you are directly quoting, word-for-word, his thoughts, or writing for younter readers who need the extra cue, you would instead use italics. Here, the thoughts are more a summary of his emotional reaction, so I'd omit the italics and the tag both.

"Erm, I need a lift my brothers borrowed my car."My Comment: I think there's a word missing in this sentence.

He was good, very good he could have been me so easily, no-one appeared to see any fault in his performance. My Comment: comma splice...

Quickly I sprinted and launched myself at the person, there was a heavy thud as I made contact and we both fell to the ground. My Comment: Another comma splice. "Quickly" repeats from prior paragraph, two lines ago. Also, "quickly" is another of those adverbs. "Sprinted" is a fine verb, and not something one can do slowly, so the adverb is just clutter you can omit.

Underneath was the same hard fixing,My Comment: So...he remembers being Gordon and pulling at the nub in the shower? I was a little confused by this bit, as he seemed to have had amnesia and no recollection of being Gordon earlier. When he wakes up, the Gordon-face is already hanging around his neck, and I don't see a mention of the nub.

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out my essay

on short stories.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

225

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3943919

Review of The first Visit

Review by

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Item Reviewed: "The first Visit"

Author Tommy99

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

You've said you've written this for a creative writing class. I'm happy to critique it for you, although I don't know your assignment so my comments might be a bit off base. Also, since I'm a professor myself, you might make sure your instructor is agreeable with you obtaining help. Depending on the learning objectives, that might or might not be appropriate.

That said, I certainly applaud taking the class and the initiative to seek out additional reviews. I'm complimented you've asked me to look at this.

What I liked best
You've done a fine job here revealing the psychiatrist's demeaning views about class. You've also done a good job with the Lieutenant, showing various aspects of PTSD in his speech and attitudes. You've revealed these things through the words and deeds of your characters--showing rather than telling them, which is what good fiction writing is all about.

Plot
The Lieutenant is apparently at his first therapy session with his military-assigned psychiatrist. The psychiatrist is demeaning, and the Lieutenant stands up to him as best he can under the circumstances.

Beyond this, however, there is no plot. Neither character appears to want anything. Without a goal, there's no obstacle and no tension. These are things bring drama to a story and make it interesting. Now, if the Lieutenant wants discharged, or punished for some imagined transgression, or vindicated, or something, then you've got the beginnings of a story. Alternatively, maybe the psychiatrist wants something--for the Lieutenant to return to duty for example. Then the obstacle is the Lieutenant's PTSD.

So, my first suggestion is to add goals to at least one of your characters. Figure out what they want, then add an obstacle to achieving that goal. Now you've got tension and a story.

Style and Voice
This story uses an omniscient narrator, in which the author stands outside the fictional events, looking in. The author knows the internal thoughts of all the characters; in fact, the author knows everything.

This narrative style dominated 19th century literature and continued well into the 20th. However, it has all but disappeared from commercial fiction today. About 30% of all contemporary fiction uses a first person narrator, while the overwhelming majority of the remainder uses third person limited.

In third person limited, for each scene the author chooses one character to provide the point of view. The reader can know what that character sees, hears, smells, and otherwise senses. The reader can know what that character thinks, as well. But the reader has to infer these things about all the other characters through their words and deeds. The idea is that the author places the readers into the head of one character, and then the readers encounter the fictional world through that character in a holistic manner, the same way we encounter the real world. That's supposed to help draw the reader into the story and thus into the fictional world.

A novel can--and usually does--have many point-of-view characters, but there should be only one for each scene.

My second suggestion for this story is choose one of the two characters to provide the point of view. It could be either one, but let the readers experience the story through the eyes, ears and other senses of the point-of-view character. This will increase the immediacy and intimacy for the readers, bring the fictional world to life, and keep them engaged in the story.

Scene/Setting
Well, other than mentioning a fire in the hearth, there really isn't any. What kind of furniture is there? Is it light or dark, messy or neat? What does the fire smell and sound like? These little details help to bring the story to life in the readers' imaginations. Don't overdo it--just a touch here and there, a few details is all you need. It's even better if the setting reinforces point of view or reveals character. For example, the lieutenant might tense up at the flames crackling in the fireplace--perhaps the PTSD comes from a fiery crash? Does the psychiatrist take notes? Maybe that annoys the Lieutenant and his face pales or he clenches his fists. Does one or the other avoid eye contact? Scene setting includes where the characters are, but also how they interact with their surroundings.

Characters
The Lieutenant has a story. Something has happened that has brought him to this point. I like that you've been specific about his heroism, and about how he's suffered from class discrimination, but left the incident that led to the PTSD a mystery. I think that's a strength. The Lieutenant blames himself for some perceived failing, but we've only got hints. Readers will fill in that blank with their own story from the hints you've provided--they will find their own meaning. I think that sense of mystery is a good thing and a strength.

The psychiatrist is a creep, of course, and a snotty one at that.

I do think you should name your characters, especially your POV character. This will help draw readers into his head and hence into the story.

Grammar

Comma Splices.

A comma splice occurs when you have two complete sentences joined by a comma where a period or semicolon should be used. I've marked one or more of these in the line-by-line comments below.

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

I enjoyed reading this, especially the Lieutenant's strength in pushing back against the psychiatrist and the mystery of what brought him here. I've made quite a few suggestions, but I still think has the elements of a strong story. Thanks for sharing and for asking me to read it!

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in RED.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GREEN.

"Welcome Lieutenant, please do come in and have a seat."

"No, no not at the desk over here by the fire, I find in my old
age I catch quite a chill, these Scottish Winters do me no favors."

"Firstly let me say it is quite an honor to be meeting you. It
is an unfortunate business that it is under these circumstances."

"Anyway, shall we get started then? What brings you here to our
establishment?"My Comment: Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

You provide some information in these opening paragraphs: the speaker is greeting a Lieutenant, there's a fire in the hearth, we're in Scotland, and the speaker is elderly. This provides context and answers to the "who, what, when, where, why, and how" questions that stories generally need to address.

However, starting with a disembodied voice speaking usually isn't the best idea. It's generally better to start with your point-of-view character doing, sensing, or acting in a way that helps to establish point of view, setting, and other features essential to your story. You might glance at the essay "Inside or Outside" for some suggestions on opening a story. I'd also name both characters as soon as possible, as this helps readers to identify with them.

As an aside, there are a couple of minor grammatical errors here, too. Since you've got one person speaking for several paragraphs without interruption, only the final paragraph should close with a quotation mark. That's a visual cue to readers that the same person is speaking as in the prior paragraph. Personally, I'd rather see dialogue tags to add some context to the speech, however.

Secondly, beware of comma splices. There should be a period or semicolon after the word "fire," for example.

"Y-y-y-you k-k-know very well what b-b-brings me to your
establishment, sir" stammered the lieutenant, after an
uncomfortably long silence.My Comment: Personally, I like showing the stammer in dialogue, but I can tell you most editors will say to NOT do that and convey the stammer through the dialogue tag alone. Also, you've got a tiny time reversal--the Lieutenant speaks and then you tell us it's after an uncomfortable silence. Using linear time--as opposed to time reversals--helps to create a natural flow and to draw readers into your fictional world. Flashbacks can be useful in novels, but in a short story they tend to disrupt the fictional dream due the brevity of the medium.

"I personally cannot blame him, you'd have to be mad to fly in
one of those contraptions anyway."My Comment: another comma splice

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .