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Review Requests: OFF
277 Public Reviews Given
280 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I always try to send detailed reviews with as much information as possible. If I enjoy something in your piece I will tell you AND explain why I enjoyed it and what effect I think it has on the reader. Likewise if I see something that could be improved I will point it out and explain my reasoning and possible solutions to the issue. I like to focus on plot, character, and the more creative areas of writing, but I do look at grammar, too.
I'm good at...
Characterisation. Plot development. Pacing. Flow. Understanding.
Favorite Genres
Fantasy, sci-fi, horror, science/tech
Least Favorite Genres
Erotic, romance, family, self-help, religious, spiritual, anything that cannot be reviewed properly (i.e., really personal pieces)
Favorite Item Types
Statics: short stories, poetry, articles (about writing, fantasy, sci-fi, science or tech) Items under 3000 words
Least Favorite Item Types
Images, long form. Anything over 3000 words
I will not review...
Anything over 3000 words unless I already know the writer. I don't want to read any personal pieces where a detailed review would be inappropriate (so no eulogy/obituries, personal accounts of illness, how you found religion, etc...)
Public Reviews
Previous ... 1 2 -3- 4 ... Next
51
51
Review of Just shoot me  
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This review is part of CSFS's Dragon Raid.
Hi,

Very good flash fiction. I loved the anti-climatic twist at the end. Although slightly embarresed to admit it, I, too dreaded those days. Technically this piece is sound as it is by way of story.

Although it is a great twist at the end, the lead up does seem rather sinister. As such I would change the rating to ASR or 13.
I'm not sure why it's under fantasy. Family, comedy, and possibly children would be better suited to the piece.

Very good piece, I'm off to review your Indebted now. I'm sure it'll be great.

Write On!

Please be aware that these opinions are simply opinions and you may or may not agree with them. If you have any discrepancies with my review or if you would like to ask me about my comments please do not hesitate to email me and ask.

Thanks
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"The Magician's Song"  13+: On indefinite hiatus. Thrown into a world of magic Nathan must deal with the unknown!

"The Coffee Shop for the Fantasy Society" 
"Invalid Item" 
"Help Me Get Published" 
52
52
Review of The Couple  
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This review is part of CSFS's Dragon Raid.
Hi,

A very nice poem, with great thought provoking images. Your rhyming pattern worked very well- I don't know if it was intentional, but it felt like there were 2 rhymes to each stanza because the poem was about a couple.

I felt like the poem was somewhat held back. It was as if the poem was building up to a climax that never came. Perhaps an additional stanza after S1 or S2?
Stanza 2, Line 2: I think you can get rid of the 'so', it doesn't add any meaning and I feel it trips the poem up slightly.
Stanza 3, Line 4: I think it would be a nicer end of the poem to have a period. I know you've purposefully not added any punctuation at the end of the lines, but I think it would really emphasise the couples lack of many tomorrows to come.

A good poem, but few little problems in my opinion.

Write on!

Please be aware that these opinions are simply opinions and you may or may not agree with them. If you have any discrepancies with my review or if you would like to ask me about my comments please do not hesitate to email me and ask.

Thanks
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"The Magician's Song"  13+: On indefinite hiatus. Thrown into a world of magic Nathan must deal with the unknown!

"The Coffee Shop for the Fantasy Society" 
"Invalid Item" 
"Help Me Get Published" 
53
53
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Very good limericks. The rhythm was just right and the feel to them was excellent. I personally thought the second one was better because I thought it flowed better and was funnier.
I think the last line of the first one sticks a bit and maybe reordering the words may help with that. The rest of that limerick was great. I thought the third and fourth line of the first one were very good and funny.
Good work

Write On!

Please be aware that these opinions are simply opinions and you may or may not agree with them. If you have any discrepancies with my review or if you would like to ask me about my comments please do not hesitate to email me and ask.

Thanks
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"The Magician's Song"  13+: On indefinite hiatus. Thrown into a world of magic Nathan must deal with the unknown!

"The Coffee Shop for the Fantasy Society" 
"Invalid Item" 
"Help Me Get Published" 
54
54
Review of Bonded  
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Here is a CSFS Elf Raid Review to celebrate You!

Hi,

Your piece was very good. The characters were fantastic and the plot unique and interesting. I found the way you unravelled the mothers secret at the end to be very good and strong.
I would say that the grammar could be better. Rather than go in detail with you about it, I will reccommend you go to The Editing Room, there's a link in the Espresso Hall and have one of their editors look over it for you.
I thouroughly enjoyed reading the piece and really found myself getting into the characters. One improvement I would suggest is to make it longer. The story you have there could quite easily be turned into a novella with a bit of tweaking. Then we'd be able to enjoy your characters and plot for longer!

Write on!

Here is a CSFS Elf Raid Review to celebrate You!
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Please be aware that these opinions are simply opinions and you may or may not agree with them. If you have any discrepancies with my review or if you would like to ask me about my comments please do not hesitate to email me and ask.

Thanks
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
"The Magician's Song"  13+: On indefinite hiatus. Thrown into a world of magic Nathan must deal with the unknown!

"The Coffee Shop for the Fantasy Society" 
"Invalid Item" 
"Help Me Get Published" 
55
55
Review of Leprechaun Gold  
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Here is a CSFS Elf Raid Review to celebrate You!

Hi,

The poem I have just read was fantastic! The rhythm was clear the tone of the poem was great. Despite my terrible accent when reading it aloud, it still felt very irish and I couldn't stop smiling long after I read it. The story was nice and told well through the poem. Your rhyming was spot on and the half rhyme worked well. To quote your poem, 'I was caught with- in a spell' when I read it. It was magical and brilliant.

Whatever you do, make sure you Write On!

Here is a CSFS Elf Raid Review to celebrate You!

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Please be aware that these opinions are simply opinions and you may or may not agree with them. If you have any discrepancies with my review or if you would like to ask me about my comments please do not hesitate to email me and ask.


Thanks
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"The Magician's Song"  13+: On indefinite hiatus. Thrown into a world of magic Nathan must deal with the unknown!

"The Coffee Shop for the Fantasy Society" 
"Invalid Item" 
"Help Me Get Published" 
56
56
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi,

Here is a CSFS Elf Raid Review to celebrate You!
The content of the piece is good. The story is excellent and the chracters are well written. The pacing is perfect for the style of piece and the way you used a different style of structure for when Jack was writing down what Pollis said was very good as it added something a bit different to the piece. Your vocabulary is suitably large. Each character has their own unique style of dialogue and it's easy to discern between different speakers.
However, I only gave the piece 3.5 because at the moment the piece is difficult to follow. The grammar is slightly precarious and often you're missing important punctuation to make the piece readable to someone not wanting to put time into simply working out what's what in the piece.
I am going to highly reccomend that you utilise the fantastic "Invalid Item" . I'm always using the service run by the CSFS and the results are amazing. Jsut today I recieved an edit for my latest piece and I've learnt so much just from reading it. I've used three or four of the editors in there and all were fantastic.
What you have by way of plot, character, setting and pretty much all the other important elements is great. You're just being let down by your grammar.

Please be aware that these opinions are simply opinions and you may or may not agree with them. If you have any discrepancies with my review or if you would like to ask me about my comments please do not hesitate to email me and ask.

Here is a CSFS Elf Raid Review to celebrate You!
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Thanks
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"The Magician's Song"  13+: On indefinite hiatus. Thrown into a world of magic Nathan must deal with the unknown!

"The Coffee Shop for the Fantasy Society" 
"Invalid Item" 
"Help Me Get Published" 
57
57
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi,

I came across your piece in the comedy newsletter and was very impressed. The comedy was great and the situation MMM had got himself into made me laugh out loud! The only point I would make is that there are a lot of monosyllabic words out there and I think that perhaps if you look at some other word choices you could increase the comedy aspect.
My favourite parts were when AR asked what it was like having a multisyllabic name, AR's question as to what his first multisyllabic word would be and the very last sentence- which to me shows the personality of MMM very well and simplistically.

You have a great piece. Write On!


Please be aware that these opinions are simply opinions and you may or may not agree with them. If you have any discrepancies with my review or if you would like to ask me about my comments please do not hesitate to email me and ask.

Thanks
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
"The Magician's Song"  13+: On indefinite hiatus. Thrown into a world of magic Nathan must deal with the unknown!

"The Coffee Shop for the Fantasy Society" 
"Invalid Item" 
"Help Me Get Published" 
58
58
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi,

Wow! That was an amazing poem. The pace was fast, thrilling and the tension was great. I loved the way you told the story from the end, it made me want to read on. A gripping read with only two very minor faults which didn't detract from the poem, merely things to make it flow a tad better:

1. 'Blue lights, sobbing, the sound of my two boys'
I think it should be
'Blue lights, sobbing, the sound of my boys'
The word 'two' sticks ever so slightly.

2. 'Cold day, cry for help, “you two just stay here”'
I think it should be
'Cold day, cry for help, “you two, stay here”'
The word 'just' sticks and removing it and replacing it with a comma make it flow better and keeps the fast pace

Please be aware that these opinions are simply opinions and you may or may not agree with them. If you have any discrepancies with my review or if you would like to ask me about my comments please do not hesitate to email me and ask.

Thanks
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"The Magician's Song"  13+: On indefinite hiatus. Thrown into a world of magic Nathan must deal with the unknown!
59
59
Review of Nocturne Remorse  
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Wow! That was one beautiful poem. The word choices were excellent and the flow fantastic. You sustained the rhyming patter (AABB) throughout the poem using good rhyming words and perfect half-rhymes where needed. The poem spoke to me rather than being a group of words joined together- this added meaning and power to an elegant poem. Before reading the contest entries I tended to avoid this sort of poetry, but this poem has sparked my interest. There were a few problems I found but these didn't detract from the piece so I only deducted 1/2 a rating.

'As the crisp air did begin to waft.' should be 'As the crisp air began to waft.'

'A chill over took me before I knew.' should be 'A chill took over me before I knew.'

'Healed the place i was bitten,' needs a capital 'I'

Also, I think I'm right in saying that you need a comma at the end of each line.

Other than these small parts the poem is amazing. Also, you integrated the prompt very well and I can tell you put a lot of thought into it.


Please, Write On!
MattAB16
60
60
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Very well written poem. With this poem I can 'feel' the mood, theme and tone of the piece and you seem to be very careful in the craft of it. There were only a few minor technical problems I could see. All missing commas:

Between mask and her
Between onyx and decked
Between visage and a diamond

Other than those small points the poem is excellent and the strong use of good vocabulary lends itself to the style of poem.
61
61
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Very nice monologue of a deranged person. Normally I would comment on the number of simple sentences and the lack of compound sentences, but in this situation it is clear that you purposely wrote it that way. The simple sentences throughout the piece emphasise he fact that it is the characters mind that he is speaking and acting. There was one point in the penultimate paragraph;
'Come, as long as the music continues so do we!'
it should be
Come, as long as the music continues, we do to!' OR 'Come, as long as the music continues, then so do we!'
The word choice good as is the portrayal of the main theme.

Write on!

MattAB16
62
62
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (5.0)
You are amazing people who help dramatically with the WDC community. Without you I'm sure that many members would be limited to the free account restrictions and some may not even be on the site any more. I am a fan.

Continue what you do

MattAB16
63
63
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Very nice article- interesting how you've been a storyteller for such a long time. I'm amazed that you managed to write ten books in a summer; I've recently started a novella and find it quite hard to keep it going.
As a side note, if this is read on a computer the link doesn't work- the full stop at the end is part of the link; if it is read on paper then this obviously won't be a problem.

Good work, write on!

MattAB16
64
64
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Very interesting take on the nursery rhyme. It was to fun and enjoyable to read, however there were a few mistakes. 'Let's take go up the hill' remove the 'take' and it will be fine. 'All of the sudden Jack trips and falls and starts rolling down the hill,' that is in the present tense and 'Jill was not paying attention to what was in front of her and' that is in the past tense. Need to alter the piece to make the tenses agree. 'She starting barrel' needs to be 'She started barrel'. Otherwise very fun,

Write on!

MattAB16
65
65
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Very good story for one so short. I liked the twist at the end and felt t was very well written. However, there was one point on the first line where there was a grammatical mistake. You need to say 'drugged' me or 'dug' me depending on what you were trying to say. It was a good idea to put the last line as a separate line for emphasis.

Write on!

MattAB
66
66
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
A very good idea and system you have set up here. The introduction certainly is very honest and true- though I would say that there are most likely some great writers on here. Also, there are people who write for the enjoyment of writing rather than financial gain, and these people can still be great. Another thing to point out is that those writers you say are great had to start off somewhere. They most likely were great before they got agents- the people who work with the writer simply show off the writers greatness. Just to point out, in my opinion creativity can make or break a person as a writer- a story could could be written with the best grammar and spelling in the world, with amazing vocabulary and vivid images, but if the story isn't inspired or creative no one will read it. I think that other than my disagreements with some of your points, and these are just my opinions, I would say that this review set-up is a fantastic idea.

MattAB16
67
67
Review of Man Up!  
In affiliation with Author in the Spotlight  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Brilliant. The story had it's funny moments, it's 'I've been in that situation' moments and a fantastic moral. I thought it was very cleverly written, with the voice in his head motivating him as well as irritating him. I loved the bits where Nathan broke down the English language. The 'man up' part and his break down of that was very amusing. I find myself breaking down language a lot- especially after I've written an English GCSE essay.
I noticed one mistake in the piece;
'He took two a deep breath' this could be re-written as either, 'He took two deep breaths' or 'He took to breathing deeply'.
There were a few times where it wasn't fully obvious if it was the voice in Nathan's head 'speaking' or Nathan's own thoughts, but because of the two distinct styles in which you wrote these parts it was normally quite easy to figure out.

I loved the bit where he goes he'll be half an hour on the XBox and the 'two hours later' he gets off- I'm always doing this.

Amazing piece- thanks for sharing and Write On!

MattAB
68
68
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
An amazing poem with a very strong moral. The lines fit together smoothly apart from the last line on the first stanza- which I think could be reworded to make it 'gel' better. The rhyming is good as are the half rhymes. There is a definite pulse which complements the rhythm of the poem well.

Write On!
69
69
Review of Two Hearts  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
A brilliant poem. I think the flow is excellent and the images it produces in my minds eye are amazing. You have a mastery over the use of sibilance with lines such as
'smooth, soft and slick'. Your repetition of the word 'something' is superb as it really aids the sound of the poem. I originally read it in my head, but then it started to call me to read it again out loud. When I did I found the poem leant itself towards being read as a whisper and I that the three sentences are the best end to a poem I have ever read.
I must say you used an unusual structure for laying out the poem but I think that it is more of poetic prose than a normal poem.

Write on!
70
70
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Very powerful peace. Especially love the first paragraph very well written. I think the fight being described as a dance was perfect for the character as I saw her as an elegant but strong fighter. I like the reaction the girl makes in that it is realistic and not over written. The ending is simple and effective.

Write On!
71
71
Rated: E | (4.5)
Very nice poem. The first stanza drew me in, with a bit of history about all the vacations they'd been on. The second stanza has a wonderfully vivid description of the beach, which in stanza three is shown to be a metaphorical beach- which is a lovely touch. The poem works as a whole and doesn't jerk. All I would say is that an extra stanza at the end describing the path you took might be a nice addition- though it works well as is.

Write on!
72
72
Review of Olympic Gold  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Very strong piece. Produces a vivid image in my head as to what is happening. Your separation of the three parts of the story emphasises each part effectively. The only thing that I would say slightly lets the piece down was the long compound sentence at the end. You could split it up to add effect and show she was was focused by focusing the sentence:

She entered the packed stadium. She was focused. She would get the gold.

This adds more emphasis to each part of phrase. It adds a pulse to the piece as if her heart was beating. Other than that point the piece is a strong piece and quite effective.
73
73
Review of The Time Machine  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Very funny indeed. Fantastic anti-climax, and not one I was expecting. Write on!
74
74
Review of Changing Moon  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Very good song. Most of the lyrics work as do most of the rhythms. I can't comment too much on rhythm as I'm probably reading it with a different rhythm to how you would have it. Sadly the ending doesn't quite work. The two final lines don't 'gel' very well and disrupts the flow of an otherwise flowing song. If you could just tweak them a little and sort out a few lines it would get 5 stars. An example of one line that doesn't work is,

'High in the sky?'

I think it should be,

'High up in the sky'

Continue writing!
75
75
Review of THE FANTASY POLL  
Rated: E | (4.5)
You capitalised HARPIE as hARPIE
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