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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/maureens
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41 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by MaureenS
Rated: E | (5.0)
Another fun one! I really liked the combination of words in this search, Steve.
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Review by MaureenS
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is intriguing! And I'd like to read more. The story snippet you have here is slowly drawing out details, building on the characters and story line. It certainly beckons the reader onward.
I did see some spelling and grammatical errors, but you said this is a rough draft, so that is to be expected. No doubt you will catch them when you have a chance to edit.
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Review of Day of Freedom  
Review by MaureenS
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This was a very interesting delve into a world where cycles repeat but there appears to be no joy or peace. This was well written; you have a way with words that I found very enjoyable to read. There were a few mis-steps here and there (the word is stupor, not stooper) but overall I thought it was very well done.
I don't know if it was your original formatting or something that happened when you pasted your text on the web site, but your font is very small and hard to read. With lots of writing and few paragraphs, and no breaks when you have dialogue, visually it was hard to read since everything was so small and ran together. That is just a small side issue. The short story was well written. Keep writing!
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Review by MaureenS
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
I am coming in on the second chapter here, since I haven't yet read your first chapter yet. I like how you are slowly drawing out and developing the relationship between the two characters. Putting in details such as what they are doing or wearing is helpful for the reader to picture them.
I suggest you use commas much more than you have been. There is a lot of dialog in this chapter, and since they appear to be young people, you may want to make it more realistic by putting in more contractions (don't, you're, etc.). It also is more believable if there are some "you know's" and "Umms" in there. That is actually how people talk, and when you write that way the characters are more relatable and believable.
This is a good effort and I encourage you to keep writing!

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Review by MaureenS
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Oh, very enjoyable short story! Well written and drawn out. Lots of details that made it believable and let the reader relate. Well done.
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Review of Grandma's Pot  
Review by MaureenS
Rated: E | (3.5)
Lovely story from your childhood. I brought back memories of my family of 8 (plus parents and a dog) visiting relatives.
You will want to double-check your punctuation. There are some extra commas and other changes you can make to make sure you are following grammar rules.
I liked that little surprise at the end - that was unexpected and you wrote it well. Keep writing!
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Review of True Lies  
Review by MaureenS
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Ha! Cute and fun! I was confused by "he asked me for a square" (square? square what? or square OF what?) However, that didn't deter from the entertainment this provided.
Very nice rhyming scheme; I have great respect for someone who can rhyme that well, as I'm so bad at it. Keep writing!
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Review of The Verdict  
Review by MaureenS
Rated: E | (3.0)
I like to read short stories like this. You had all the right elements in there.
Your lines are broken up on the screen and it makes it a bit hard to read. You'll want to edit your story to fix the grammatical errors - missing or misplaced quotes, run-on sentences, misplaced commas, etc. There were a few places where you wrote one thing but I think you meant another. For instance: "but he was not at all concede" I think you meant concieted? Also, when you are writing something your characters are thinking, it is best to put that in italics, for instance: "Hurry up and get here is all she can think"
Keep writing!
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Review by MaureenS
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is powerful imagery. What is the rain? Loss? Depression? Medical problem? You do not say, and therefore whoever reads this puts their own interpretation on the rain and what it means. I've written similar poems stemming from loss and pain, but yours is much more eloquent. Nicely done.
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Review by MaureenS
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Oh, how fun! Clever rhyming, too. I like that it was playful, light-hearted, and fun. Peter got what was coming to him in the end, but it wasn't too bad a punishment. He is sure to come back again with other practical jokes. I enjoyed this.
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Review of "M" - PHASIZED  
Review by MaureenS
Rated: E | (5.0)
I just had to try your "M" word search! I found it very challenging - and fun!
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Review of Curiosity  
Review by MaureenS
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Well, this was intriguing! You sure got me with the "fiery ball of flames"! I'd like to read more and find out what is going on.
You have a few editing errors to clean up, but I like how you put his thoughts in italics. Not everyone does that, but it makes it easier for the reader when you do. To make it even easier to read you may want to put in spaces between the paragraphs and fix your line breaks. I hope you post more to this story.
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Review of Night Robbers  
Review by MaureenS
Rated: E | (4.0)
This looks like a good start to a longer story. I got the feeling of creepiness I think you were trying to convey, as they made their way in the dark through the field and then into the house.
I was a bit confused on "sidekick". You named and described the other two boys, but only referred to the third as "sidekick". Is it possible to name and describe him also, with the implication (from clues provided by the writing) that he is a sidekick? Or will that be revealed later in your story?
I suggest some editing on some of your descriptions. "He waited patiently for his sidekick to let him in, who eventually did so, after a little bit of time." could possibly be written: "He waited for his sidekick, who eventually opened the door and let him in."
You also want to say "Connor knelt on the ground". There are others - I'm sure you can find them. It is intriguing and I'd be interested to read more of the story.
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Review by MaureenS
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is an interesting opening to your story. I like the dream world (or IS it a dream?) and the reality of trudging through high school.
You do have some editing to do. When he meets Maya for the first time, you change she to he when he exits his classroom. That is just one example, there are other edits to make. Edits are never done - we always are improving our stories. Keep writing!
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Review by MaureenS
Rated: E | (5.0)
Oh, I do love a good word search! This was fun -- all the words starting with "R". And you picked some good words, tooo. Loved it!
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Review by MaureenS
Rated: E | (4.0)
This was short, but it packed a lot in it. I could easily visualize the scene. It makes me curious about the Firelands, and Frozenlands.
You do have some simple spelling/grammar corrections to make. It might make it easier to read if you separated the dialogue into paragraphs. I know on here you have to do that manually, but it does make it easier to read.
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Review of Evil Abound  
Review by MaureenS
Rated: E | (4.0)
I greatly admire anyone who can write a rhyming poem. I am terrible at poems that rhyme. I liked your very much. The build up was great, affecting all the senses. You painted a word picture that was easy to 'see' and 'feel' and relate to. And then the soft twist at the end was a very nice ending. There were a few grammar/spelling mistakes I spotted but nothing to detract from the enjoyment of the poem. Thanks for sharing.
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Review by MaureenS
Rated: E | (4.5)
Loved this one! I've been to many of these cities. I noticed you left out all the hard to spell and pronounce Indian city names - lol! I had the worst time finding the last three words, which is unusual. Usually it is easier to find them, but you had me pretty stumped. I did it in the end, though.
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Review by MaureenS
Rated: E | (4.5)
I just had to do this one, you know, Steve! You had some names on there I had never heard of so that was fun. There were a few challenging words to find, so I liked that!
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Review of he wasnt worth it  
Review by MaureenS
Rated: E | (3.5)
Lots of hurt and heart ache coming through in this poem.

I am not sure what "of heats miles away" means? Did you mean hearts? Also, I think you meant to write "saw" instead of "say" when you wrote "maybe you say it in my eyes"

I especially like the last 4 lines of the poem. I like how you compare him to a comet as opposed to a star. Thanks for sharing.
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Review of Mosquito Island  
Review by MaureenS
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
[ Shudder ] Wow. I was really hoping the lady would make it out, but somehow I knew she wouldn't. I liked that we didn't know where or when the story was taking place. Frightening because you knew they were on an island, and so isolated and easy pickings. I hadn't expected the dead to rise - that was a surprise. A nice scary story - thank you. I enjoyed that.
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Review by MaureenS
Rated: E | (4.0)
Very nice, Steve. I like your descriptions and the tender feelings between the family members. I like reading about your family and outings you had together.
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Review of Aloneness  
Review by MaureenS
Rated: E | (5.0)
This poem explores aloneness, and loneliness, in a different way from what I've seen before. I like how you drew it out and summed it up succinctly. As an ambivert I can relate to this poem very well.
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Review of Interloper  
Review by MaureenS
Rated: E | (5.0)
I would never had thought that a poem about dandelions could be so -- poetic. I loved how you wrote about this interloper as you call it. As someone who has fought the battle of dandelions for years I can relate to what you say about it. This was a poem about an unexpected subject. Well done.
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Review of Smile  
Review by MaureenS
Rated: E | (4.0)
Very nice, Mina. I like the length, yet you say everything so well. This poem made me smile.
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