*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Creative fun in
the palm of your hand.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/maurice1054
Review Requests: ON
125 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... -1- 2 ... Next
1
1
Review of 881 7th Avenue  
Review by MD Maurice
In affiliation with Sensual Infusion  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
First and foremost, thank you for sharing your work and being part of this amazing WDC community. Thank you for entering the Sensual Moments Weekly Contest. This review is comprised of my personal insights and opinions - please take whatever is helpful and leave the rest.*Delight*

OVERALL IMPRESSIONS: Beautifully crafted piece, intimate and sensual. Well done. A good use of the location and great connection to the prompt.

PLOT & CHARACTERS: I love that you took the time to set the backstory, giving the reader just enough to identify with the characters and with their impending loss.

SUGGESTIONS/EDITS:
I really don't have any suggestions, I think this piece was well-crafted, it flowed well and the phrasing was very nice.

FINAL THOUGHTS: I think the ending was a very nice touch but throughout I thought this piece was engaging and intimate. Nicely done, I'm glad I am not the judge of this round, all the entries were really excellent!

Above all, Best of Luck and Write On! *Thumbsup*
a new signature to celebrate publication
Image #1774840 over display limit. -?-
2
2
Review of WETT  
Review by MD Maurice
In affiliation with Sensual Infusion  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
First and foremost, thank you for sharing your work and being part of this amazing WDC community. Thank you for entering the Sensual Moments Weekly Contest. I'm this week's judge and as part of the process of naming a winner, I'll be reviewing each piece. This review is comprised of my personal insights and opinions - please take whatever is helpful and leave the rest.*Delight* Good Luck! I'll be announcing the winner very soon!

OVERALL IMPRESSIONS: I thought your piece was very poetically versed. It wasn't the typically entry we usually see and that immediately drew my interest. You had wonderful word choices but I had a little trouble with the format..I found it hard to find the "story line" in it...and I have a lot of trouble connecting it to the prompt for this round. Having said that, there is some beautiful,even hauntingly so, phrasing in this. It has all the earmarks of steamy and sensual erotica but it flows with a freedom not often seen in this genre.

PLOT & CHARACTERS:Again, I had a hard time connecting to the character...there were few details that I could latch onto and say it was as well-developed as I would have liked to see for such a character-dependent prompt such as this was.

SUGGESTIONS/EDITS: There were several places where I noted some grammatic issues however given that this read and flowed much more like poetic prose, I didn't see the need or the merit to focusing on them. I think this piece garnered a greater level of literary freedom.


FINAL THOUGHTS: I enjoyed this style and word choices. it was a fresh and unique take on the genre and I was really intrigued by this very tactile and sensual effort. Again, I had more difficulty connecting to the prompt than with the other entries but I appreciate the creativity and literary skill evident in it. Thank you

Above all, Best of Luck and Write On! *Thumbsup*
a new signature to celebrate publication
Image #1774840 over display limit. -?-
3
3
Review of The merrygoround  
Review by MD Maurice
In affiliation with Unofficial Erotica Newsletter ...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
First and foremost, thank you for sharing your work and being part of this amazing WDC community. This review is comprised of my personal insights and opinions - please take whatever is helpful and leave the rest.*Delight*

OVERALL IMPRESSIONS:This was a very creepy piece but highly effective in the horror genre. I think the graphic nature works for you but I was a little confused at times if the victim was something the killer despised or revered. A few times you refer to her as "she" but other times you use "it" or "shell"...I think it would help if you decided what the killers real feeling was and then had some consistency in language as you refer to the victim in the story. That's really the only suggestion I have that I think would help improve your piece.

SUGGESTIONS/EDITS:
There were a few places where I thought you had some grammatical issues:

"With my knife I started my art. Her back my canvas." I think this may read better as one sentence...it is incomplete the way it is written now. "With my knife I began my art, her back became my canvas" something like that perhaps?

"My mind had settled and my friend and stiffened, now it was clean up time." I think again here you have some an incomplete sentence and you could prob combine the two to make one thought..."My mind had settled and my friend had grown stiff, her body has lost all the warmth from the night before" Just a suggestion...

FINAL THOUGHTS: A good horrific read - good luck with it! Hope my words are helpful

Above all, Best of Luck and Write On! *Thumbsup*
my new signature
Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.
Image #1482463 over display limit. -?-



4
4
Review by MD Maurice
In affiliation with WDC Frontliners Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
First and foremost, thank you for sharing your work and being part of this amazing WDC community. This review is comprised of my personal insights and opinions - please take whatever is helpful and leave the rest.*Delight*

OVERALL IMPRESSIONS: There is a great pace to this piece, you've managed to keep up the intensity all the way through and that is far from easier. I do think that there are some places where it reads a little redundant, places where you could let the action and word choice tell the story without repeating yourself. I've pulled out a few examples of what I mean. I think some simplicifation would really improve the overall flow of the piece for you. I liked the drama at the end, very effective.


PLOT & CHARACTERS: Unless you are bond by word count, it would be nice to give your characters a little more description, help the reader identify with them? For example, are Mark and Jessica young? I understand the need to keep some details mute for the ending however just a bit more about the couple, about what their feelings were, what they had envisioned their romantic weekend to be...would help draw the reader in even more I think. You could give the readers a little more without giving away our ending.


SUGGESTIONS/EDITS: As I mentioned, I think there are some places throughout the story where you go the extra distance to explain or over-explain things without really needing too. YOu have great instincts on word choice, so let the words do the story-telling for you...I know I may not be making a lot of sense so let me give you a few examples of what I mean:

"The flashlight in Mark's hand flickered ominously as he quickly whipped it back and forth in a vain attempt to scatter the darkness that was closing in around him." - The worded "whipped" by implies that he is moving the flashlight back and forth with some speed and force...I don't think you needed to add the word "quickly" here. I think using the word whipped gives the reader exactly the right impression.

"He wanted to at least catch a glimpse of his soon-to-be murderer, to slowly turn his head, hoping to catch a glimpse of it before it killed him but before he could do more than entertain such thoughts, two hands shoved harshly into his back, forcing him off balance and into the table." - Here you use the word "glimpse" redundantly you switch tenses as well...a simple re-work might be something like..."He wanted to at least catch a glimpse of his soon-to-be-murderer. He thought about turning his head to get a look at it before it killed him but before he could more than entertain the thought, he was shoved hard from behind. The blow forced him off balance and into the table." {/c)

His hand blindly worked its way around the sink looking for a knife while his eyes scanned the blackness of the surrounding rooms. With the light on here in the kitchen, he could see nothing but vague shadows in the other rooms. And as he waited quietly, nothing moved. He dared not turn off the light, even though it would enable him to see better into the other rooms...[c:red} Here again you repeat the phrase "other rooms" more than once in the same group of sentences. I think again if you reworded this you might find you elimate the redundancy and it flows a little smoother for you. His hand worked blindly around the sink as he looked for a knide. His eyes scanned the blackness of the surrounding rooms. With the light on in the kitchen, he could see nothing but vague shadows. He froze and waited, quiet. Nothing moved. He dare not turn off the light even though it would enable him to see into the spaces better..."

Jessica's face was turned towards Mark and her dead eyes sparkled dully, encrusted with salt left over from the tears she had shed as her murderer had repeatedly stabbed her. - Lastly, this part I found a little confusing...how would dead eyes sparkle dully? I think the use of the word sparkle evokes confusion for the reader...dead yese are certainly dull eyes. Just a suggestion that you might want to reconsider the word choice here...perhaps her dull, dead eyes stared blankly into his?


FINAL THOUGHTS: All in all, I think you have a suspenseful piece with great pacing and description. If you edit just a bit, keeping an eye out for redundancy and tense agreements, I think you'll find you end of with a piece that flows better and reads easily. Hope this review was helpful to you in some way.

Above all, Best of Luck and Write On! *Thumbsup*
my new signature
Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.
Image #1482463 over display limit. -?-



5
5
Review of Sold  
Review by MD Maurice
In affiliation with WDC Frontliners Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
First and foremost, thank you for sharing your work and being part of this amazing WDC community. This review is comprised of my personal insights and opinions - please take whatever is helpful and leave the rest.*Delight*

OVERALL IMPRESSIONS: I think you have written a brief but moving piece. I think your descriptions are. I questioned your decision to "tell" the reader so much at the very beginning, believing it is always better to show the reader but when I got to the end, I could see why you began this piece in that very deliberate way. I think it works. It gives the piece a starkness, which is the appropriate tone for something with this subject matter.


PLOT & CHARACTERS: We are introduced to Akinyi but I think it would be really nice to give us more details about the character, I couldn't tell if it was a boy or girl, a few more details about her/he, what their home was like, what happened to her/his family, how they came to be on the ship...I think would bring more depth to the piece and really help draw the reader in, and attach them to the character...just a little more development would go a long way I believe.

SUGGESTIONS/EDITS: I didn't really see any grammatical errors or things I thought could be reworked. I think you have a good handle on the descriptive narrative. Good job.


FINAL THOUGHTS: With just a little more flushing out, I think you would have a compelling piece that would intrigue readers. Good luck with it!

Above all, Best of Luck and Write On! *Thumbsup*
my new signature
Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.
Image #1482463 over display limit. -?-



6
6
for entry "The Gas Station
Review by MD Maurice
In affiliation with WDC Frontliners Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
First and foremost, thank you for sharing your work and being part of this amazing WDC community. This review is comprised of my personal insights and opinions - please take whatever is helpful and leave the rest.*Delight*

OVERALL IMPRESSIONS: I'm not really a big reader of the zombie genre however I thought this was well-written. I think you had excellent command of the action and kept just the right amount of tension in the narrative.

PLOT & CHARACTERS: I enjoyed the sarcastic nature of the main character. I think his attitude helped convey the mood of the story. I think you can develop him very easily into a character that readers both like and indentify with, a protagonist for the masses. I think that while your plot may ne a familiar one, I'm suspecting you've got a plan in mind to take this story to fresh and new places with this character.


SUGGESTIONS/EDITS: I had just a few suggestions for you that might be useful to you.

"He climbed out of his jeep, picking up his loaded handgun, a Smith & Wesson M&P45, from the dashboard and checking the magazine." - keep an eye on your verb tense here...I think you could easily fit this by rewording..."He climbed out of his jeep, picking up his loaded handgun, a Smith & Wesson M&P45 from the dashboard checked the magazine."

"He pushed the door open, holding his handgun out in front of him, finger resting on the trigger guard, he turned on the flashlight mounted to the gun‘s barrel." This sentence reads a little run-on, again I think by rewriting it just a little it would flow better. "He pushed the door open, holding the handgun out in front of him, his finger resting on the trigger guard. He turned on the flashlight mounted to the gun's barrel."

"he grabbed a can from the floor by the door and wedged it under the door, the light poured into the room," This sounds a little redundant, i think you could shorten it up and still make sense but avoid reusing the word door. "he grabbed a can from the floor and wedged it under the door"

"he stepped towards the counter, he placed one hand on the counter and leapt over it." This is another example of where you might want to try rewriting to avoid reusing the word counter..also, you have a mispell, it should be toward. "he stepped toward the counter, placed one hand on the surface and leapt over it."

FINAL THOUGHTS: This really kept my interest which is saying something because I don't usually go in for this subject matter. It looks like you intend to keep working on it and I hope you do. Good job, and best of luck with this.

Above all, Best of Luck and Write On! *Thumbsup*
my new signature
Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.
Image #1482463 over display limit. -?-



7
7
Review of Meeting Him  
Review by MD Maurice
In affiliation with WDC Frontliners Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I don't write poetry so all I can give you is my honest opinion about how the piece made me feel. It was warm and touching, a perfect companion of the thoughts and sentiments of the season. Very much enjoyed it!
8
8
Review by MD Maurice
In affiliation with WDC Frontliners Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
First and foremost, thank you for sharing your work and being part of this amazing WDC community. This review is comprised of my personal insights and opinions - please take whatever is helpful and leave the rest.*Delight*

OVERALL IMPRESSIONS: I enjoy reading the first chapters to things because my favorite part of any book is the beginning, when you first crack it open and wait for those first few impressions to hit you. I was delighted to find myself immediately swept up in your story. Well-written, it quickly nabbed me and drew me in.

PLOT & CHARACTERS: I think the parallel of the priest and the dark Lord Blackstone sets the pace and overall mood of the story in just a few paragraphs. There is something powerfully appealing on the familiar good verses evil battle and its one I think your characters are drawn to support well.

SUGGESTIONS/EDITS: I don't have any suggestions other than to keep going.

FINAL THOUGHTS: I was sorry to reach the end, I was left wanting to know more! Please let me know when you continue, I'd like to keep reading.

Above all, Best of Luck and Write On! *Thumbsup*
my new signature
Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.
Image #1482463 over display limit. -?-



9
9
Review by MD Maurice
In affiliation with WDC Frontliners Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This piece was a little difficult to follow only because of the free form of the writing. I think the interplay between the song lyrics and the character's monologue are incredibly effective. There was a lot of emotion contained in such a short piece. I think it would be very powerful if you gave it a bit more of a form...made it more reader-friendly? It also might help to use italiacs or quotes for the lyrics to more clearly define and separate them from the character's thoughts? just a suggestion.The emotion conveyed in the writing really drew me in and I was left wanting to know more about Michelle and her life and her past as Michael. There is not much fiction out there in the GBLT genre so I really wanted to review this piece for you and encourage you to write and post more.
10
10
Review of O Fantasma  
Review by MD Maurice
In affiliation with WDC Frontliners Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
First and foremost, thank you for sharing your work and being part of this amazing WDC community. This review is comprised of my personal insights and opinions - please take whatever is helpful and leave the rest.*Delight*

OVERALL IMPRESSIONS: Thank you for posting your piece asking for reviews. I find as a writer,this is the very best way to improve my craft. I think when stories combine a mix of folklore, fact and history, it makes for an interesting and compelling read. Your story had all the elements although I think your description should have mentioned more of the elements of the story. When I began,and from your opening paragraph, I was under the assumption this story would talk more about your travels or the experience of going to that place. I discovered there was much more to it and expanding your description might attract more readers. I highly suggest using the editing function for your writing, its very easy to use and will really help with a lot of grammical errors. I am going to assume you are not a native speaker? I think this tool would prove especially helpful to you. It may make your story easier to edit and a story with less errors is really a much easier piece for any reader to get through. The editing tools menu will help with spelling and basic grammar. I did pull out a few examples for you which I included below.


PLOT & CHARACTERS: I like the image of the two brothers and their friend. More details about how each of them looked would have been nice as well but from their banter and expressions, I was able to get enough of a visual image. I found the characters engaging and it helped to tell your story and hold the threads together.


SUGGESTIONS/EDITS: Like I said, there were quite a few areas that could use some attentions for grammar and spelling. It is daunting to write in a language that is less familiar to you so I commend you for that. To help get you started I pulled out some general errors and examples.


"So this time when my brother offered me a visit to Kerala I seized the opportunity without giving it any further of thought." - I think you could reword this a little to read, "So this time, when my brother offered me a chance to visit Kerala, I seized the opportunity without another thought."

"My brother Dinesh worked in an industry near Calicut. As my XII board exams were over I needed a break before my parents start pestering me about next big thing “the Higher Studies”, which is obviously going to be their choice anyway. Hence I planned to go for this summer to take my mind off from the boring studies which doesn’t have any point, the exams that I have done really bad and finally Priyanka who is first in my most hated list (not long ago she was first in the other list)." - This paragraph is right at the beginning at this piece, so you want to make sure it helps in grabbing the reader's attention. I think this could be reworked a bit so that verb tenses match and the flow is improved...My brother Dinesh worked in an industry near Calicut. With my XII board exams over, I needed a break before my parents began pestering me about the "next big thing", which was going to be their choice regardless. I planned to go to take my mind off the boring, pointless studies, the exams I had done really bad on and Priyanka. Priyanka, who not longer ago topped another very different list, was now number one on my most hated list. -- just one suggestion for reworking it....

"I and my brother took a train in the noon." My brother and I took the train at noon.

“So how was your exams Raghav?” Elai asked. "How were your exams, Raghav?"

"I could smell happiness in the place but a little annoyed with Elai." I could smell happiness in this place, but I was still annoyed with Elai.

"Oh my God! What would stop this guy from talking (that too about history)?" You make a lot of references in quotations, it might be easier to use Italic instead to show what you are thinking? Using the ML codes are very helpful for this...there is a menu with all the codes that you can access right from the editing screen.


"Somehow everything fitted now." - Somehow everything fit now. Tense Agreement


FINAL THOUGHTS: Overall you have a good story with all the basics. Just work on your tense agreement and grammar and it will be great!

Above all, Best of Luck and Write On! *Thumbsup*
my new signature
Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.
Image #1482463 over display limit. -?-



11
11
Review by MD Maurice
In affiliation with WDC Frontliners Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
I am impressed by the conviction and clarity that you present your material with. As a writer, you have an unwavering confidence in the termonology and language that you've created that gives your pieces instance credibilty for the readers.
12
12
Review by MD Maurice
In affiliation with Unofficial Erotica Newsletter ...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I found your piece on the plug page, and it was really the title that grabbed my attention. What I discovered was a very well-written, very unique , fresh piece with a lot of originality. A bit grisly but not unnecessarily graphic with just the right blend of story-telling and shock value. Strange but very interesting indeed. Great job! Only one small grammical error . "It is natural selection at its cruellest, but also its most effectiveness." - I think you might want a different word choice here..."It is natural selection at it cruellest, but also its most efficient." Just a suggestion. Good luck with this and all your writing!
13
13
Review of Empowered  
Review by MD Maurice
In affiliation with WDC Frontliners Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
First and foremost, thank you for sharing your work and being part of this amazing WDC community. This review is comprised of my personal insights and opinions - please take whatever is helpful and leave the rest.*Delight*


OVERALL IMPRESSIONS: I really enjoyed your piece. It had a lot of emotion and warmth. I particularily liked the descriptions of John 2 and Betty - I thought you gave them a lot of life and character and it was very easy to picture them and their enviroments in my head. You have very good description, the piece stayed together and flowed well.


PLOT & CHARACTERS: Again, John 2 was very endearing. I liked the bit of humor you injected by the introduction of Betty as well. Nicely drawn characters that really supported your story.


SUGGESTIONS/EDITS: I have just a few suggestions that I pulled out.

"Where he sat in the rickety chair on the stoop of his red clay shack, he could see the darkness flooding over the whole farm." - This sentence might flow a little better if you reworded it slightly, I might suggest trying - From where he sat in the rickety chair ont he stoop of his red clay shack, he could see the darkness flooding over the whole farm."

"On the fields on both sides cordoned off by neat wire fences, the maize plants stood much taller than he did. On the field in front of him, the black and white patch cows were walking around lazily." - These two sentences read a bit choppy and you want to be careful using the same adverb repeatedly in the same paragraph...you might be able to rework this a little better and it would improve the flow here too as well. - "The fields, cordoned off by neat wire fences on both sides, were lined with maize plants that stood much taller than he did." Black and white patch cows walked lazily around."

"He sighed and looked at everything that did not belong to him. He did not own the beautiful land that he was admiring." - One note here about tense agreement...in this paragraph and throughout, you tend to switch back and forth between past and present tenses. This is easy to do and something I regularily have to watch in my own writing. You want to read through your story and decide what is happening right at the moment and make sure all your verb tenses are in agreement so you keep consistancy throughout. For example, having tense agreement in the paragraph above, would read - "He sighed, looking at everything that did not belong to him. He did not own the beautiful land that he was admiring." Again, this is something I struggle with as a writer myself but it really really helps to give a piece of writing consistancy and good flow.

Lastly, a small reminder, If you identify your character, always refer to them the same way. An example, you wrote "For eighty-eight years John too.." when you introduced his as "John no 2" in the beginning. Again, just watch the consistancy.


FINAL THOUGHTS: I think this was a beautiful piece with a lot of depth. I enjoyed it and despite the fact that it was a little longer than the pieces I usually review, it held my interest and kept me engaged all the way through to the end. Keep writing! I hope to read more from you soon. Welcome to the site!

Above all, Best of Luck and Write On! *Thumbsup*
my new signature
Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.
Image #1482463 over display limit. -?-



14
14
Review of Hours  
Review by MD Maurice
In affiliation with WDC Frontliners Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Very sad and moving. I recently lost a family member to cancer and it hurts everyday. I can certainly relate to the emotions expressed in this piece. In a way, it a beautiful tribute and you bring him to life in the delicate moments of intimacy, the flashes of humor and the obvious affection between two people. I believe our souls stay connected to those we love even after death. Thank you for sharing.
15
15
Review by MD Maurice
In affiliation with WDC Frontliners Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
First and foremost, thank you for sharing your work and being part of this amazing WDC community. This review is comprised of my personal insights and opinions - please take whatever is helpful and leave the rest.*Delight*

OVERALL IMPRESSIONS: I was impressed by the conviction of the main character, she is a good example of a classic protagonist as much as Josh is antagonist. I appreciate the lessons and messages you write about her.


PLOT & CHARACTERS: I think there are many people who can relate to this piece because most of us have had a friend like JC or know someone who has come under someone else's bad influence. If you were not limited by word count, it might be nice to expand a little more on the description of your characters...some details about what they look like and what their interests are would be helpful.


SUGGESTIONS/EDITS: I suggest using your Spell fuction in your edit menu, it would have caught most of these grammatical errors for you. I've pulled out a few examples to help...

1. "All of her friends, me included thought that it was a cool name to have." You should use a comma here after included...so it reads: All of her friends, me included, thought that it was a cool name to have.

2. Both our parents had adopted us into each of the families. My parents said that we were connected at the hip. And to a lot of people it seemed that way. I think these sentences could be reworked so that they flow and work together more...for example: My parents said we were connected at the hip, it seemed that way to a lot of people. We had been adopted into each other's families. .

3. I was ok with it and felt that in time things would get back to normal after the crush she had on him wore off a little. Again, by reworking this sentence a litte, I think it would flow smoother... - "I was okay because I believed that in time things would return to normal, perhaps once JC's crush had worn off a little.

4. There are several instances where you use a work that is unnecessary or redundant. You have already told your reader something that makes these words not needed..:
So I headed for the livingroom where he was to talk with him.
I ordered a hot chocolate with marshmallows for me
So I would have to wait until then to talk with her.

5. her parents divorce. - you need an apostrophe in parents...parent's

6. she fellt - felt

7. Don't forget when writing conversations, you use the pronunctions where necessary:

so what if she got pregnant. - should have a ?
If Iwas her friend then why did I talk with Sue. - should have a ?

FINAL THOUGHTS: with some proofreading and editing for grammar, you could have a good piece about morality here. I encourage you to keep writing!

Above all, Best of Luck and Write On! *Thumbsup*
my new signature
Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.
Image #1482463 over display limit. -?-



16
16
Review of The Wanderer  
Review by MD Maurice
In affiliation with WDC Frontliners Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
First and foremost, thank you for sharing your work and being part of this amazing WDC community. This review is comprised of my personal insights and opinions - please take whatever is helpful and leave the rest.*Delight*

OVERALL IMPRESSIONS: I think you have captured the emotions of this time, the fear and the anxiety. I think your descriptions of the event and the family were very good. It ends very abruptly so I am assuming there is more to the story? Are you planning to continue?

PLOT & CHARACTERS: Again, I think you do a great job of indentifying the character and giving her a voice. I also enjoyed the older sister Bailey and the support system that is implied there with her.


SUGGESTIONS/EDITS: Just a few suggestions you might want to look at:
1. "my neck sweated from nervous tensions." I think you might want to rework it a little so you have tense agreement...for example.."my neck was sweating from the nervous tension."

2. "nocks aggressively" {c/plum} I think you meant, "knocks"
.


FINAL THOUGHTS: I hope you continue this. I think you have a good grasp of telling a story through a unique perspective.

Above all, Best of Luck and Write On! *Thumbsup*
my new signature
Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.
Image #1482463 over display limit. -?-



17
17
Review by MD Maurice
In affiliation with WDC Frontliners Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
First and foremost, thank you for sharing your work and being part of this amazing WDC community. This review is comprised of my personal insights and opinions - please take whatever is helpful and leave the rest.*Delight*

OVERALL IMPRESSIONS: I thought this story was beautifully written and I enjoyed the message about family in the end. It was featured in the last Short Story Newsletter in case you didn't know. I'm glad I saw it there and had a chance to read your work.

PLOT & CHARACTERS: I think this setting was interesting, giving the reader an insight into a place and an event that while familiar with, they might not often have encountered. The characters were well-crafted and I think you delivered a lot through the journals and Petro's reaction to those words.

SUGGESTIONS/EDITS:

Just a few suggestions for some grammar:

1. I think "vomitting" is spelled "vomiting".

2. I this passages: "He stood quickly and when he was able to balance himself after the dizziness struck him he made his way to the shelf the book came off of." I think it reads a little confusing...you might want to look at rephrasing or reordering the words...perhaps one suggestion might be: "He stood up quickly, after the dizziness passed and he could balance himself, he made his way to the shelf where the book had come from."

3. Also, this passage: "On it were many piles of journals, and after flipped through many of the pages he found two more that had the same handwriting of the woman's he believed to be his Mother's." I think you just need a few corrections...as "On it were many piles of journals, and aftering flipping through many of the pages, he found two more that contained the same handwriting of the woman he believed to be his mother."

4. "shin with pride when he holds" - I think you meant "shine".


FINAL THOUGHTS: I really was intrigued and touched by this piece. Best of luck! {c}

Above all, Best of Luck and Write On! *Thumbsup*
my new signature
Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.
Image #1482463 over display limit. -?-



18
18
Review of Demon Book  
Review by MD Maurice
In affiliation with WDC Frontliners Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
First and foremost, thank you for sharing your work and being part of this amazing WDC community. This review is comprised of my personal insights and opinions - please take whatever is helpful and leave the rest.*Delight*

OVERALL IMPRESSIONS: It is hard sometimes to review a first chapter of a larger work because its not a stand-alone piece. As fas as being engaging, it was, right from the beginning. I had a little trouble with the abrupt change of scenery and felt that perhaps your character might have been introduced earlier? I think by jumping back into the present, you lose a little of the affect you spend so much energy building up in the first few paragraphs. I guess it would depend on how and how quickly you plan to transition back into content of the dream/vision.


PLOT & CHARACTERS: Again, I enjoyed meeting your main character and this individual will work well and be interesting and effective. I wish I had a little more about him at the onset though, at least a general impression of the person who was hiding and narrating the scene. I'm not sure where your plot is going since this is only the first chapter but the subject material definately appears to lend itself well to a good story.


SUGGESTIONS/EDITS: The major thing I noticed that you might want to take a closer look at is your tense agreement. There are many places where you switch verb tense, often within the same sentence and this can be confusing and interrupt the overall flow of your piece. I'll give you some examples of what I am talking about because this can be a difficult thing and is often something I struggle with myself.

"He takes a knife that has been lying on the table and begins opening the dog’s chest {c:red (repetative) open ; after the first cut was complete he peeled the skin away from the dog’s rib-cage and then placed his bare hand against the bone, then with one quick pull he forced the rib cage open." In order to have agreement, the sentence should read: "He took a knife that had been lying on the table and began opening the dog's chest. After the first cut had been completed he peeled the skin away from the dog's ribcage and placed his bare hand against the bone, then with one quick pull, he forced the ribcage open."

"That something turned out to be a cup, he placed the cup in the middle of the table and then taking the knife once more into his hand cutting the heart open and draining it out it blood into the chalice." "That something turned out to be a cup. He placed he cup in the middle of the table and then took the knife once more into his hand. He cut the heart open and drained out the blood into the chalice."

"He laid the items down onto the floor and dug inside his robe until finding a piece of white chalk, then he commenced drawing a few circle, stars, and even names onto the floor. When he had completed his work it was then I realized not only what was going on but what he drew." He laid the items down on the floor and dug inside his robe until he found a piece of white chalk, then he drew a few circles, starts and even names onto the floor. When he had completed his work, I realized not only what was going on but what it was that he had drew."

A few other grammatical things:

"ether a foreign deity" - I think you meant, "either"

"He knells down in front of the pentagram," He kneels down


FINAL THOUGHTS: I think with some more editing, this would be a great first chapter to a work that readers would find interesting and engaging. I strongly encourage you to continue!

Above all, Best of Luck and Write On! *Thumbsup*
my new signature
Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.
Image #1482463 over display limit. -?-



19
19
Review of Welcome Intruder  
Review by MD Maurice
In affiliation with Unofficial Erotica Newsletter ...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I think this was very well written and I completely enjoyed the twist in the end - who says passionate doesn't exist in marriage! Well done!
20
20
Review of Africa  
Review by MD Maurice
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I thought this was excellent. Besides being well-written, it was highly imaginative and refreshingly different. Your description was perfect. I was engaged from the first few sentences and my interest never wavered through the entire piece. I'm curious, is this a stand alone story or part of a larger work? Very nicely done!
21
21
Review of Untitled  
Review by MD Maurice
Rated: E | (4.5)
I think this is well written, just a tiny bit short but concise and well formed. I don't write poetry so I always feel inadequate when I review it so my opinion is really just more about my impressions, the feelings your poem gives me. I really like these two lines: "Obliterate all the memories, when I cried myself to sleep.
Confiscate the depressed days, when i didn't say a peep." They seem to echo the sentiments of your poem the most.
22
22
Review of Love  
Review by MD Maurice
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Very well written and felt hooked at the end. It was engaging and interesting, even though the "scream in the night" was a creepy element most readers are familiar with. You made it fresh and real though and I'd certainly like to read more. I think you've got a great start here!
23
23
Review by MD Maurice
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I don't think this is confusing at all. Its heart-wretching and tragic! I think you've done a great job of convening and yet somehow, controlling the emotion of this piece. I do this is very well-written!
24
24
Review of A Desert Oasis  
Review by MD Maurice
Rated: E | (4.5)
Very compelling! There is something sad and very human about this piece, something in here everyone can relate to in some way. Its well-written. Makes me want to read more. I hope you will be expanding your port with more of your pieces and also your bio block. I'd like to read more.
Just a few small technical suggestions:
th- the
wit - with
just minor typos!!
and I really liked the imagery in this line: "his head hung like his neck were a strand of cooked spaghetti." really visual, really good.
Write on!
25
25
Review of Bruce Man  
Review by MD Maurice
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Powerfully tragic and fast moving. The kind of story you almost don't want to finish but have to? Good description, a different take on how someone terminal would handle the news. Well-written, frank and unapologetic. A few small errors:
"buisness men" - should be business men"
"one-year-old kid whose name couldn’t be remembered. were" - ...whose name couldn't be remembered, were..." You had a period instead of a comma.
Good job, Write On!
39 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 2 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/maurice1054