First, thanks for sharing and inviting reviews. Your piece was moving however, I was tripped up a lot by grammatical errors. I've highlighted a few for you that can be quickly cleaned up in your next revision and will make it a smoother and easier for your readers.
1. "hair'd" - I think you can use "sandy-haired" instead. I'm pretty sure that's correct.
2. "cild" - I think this is supposed to be "child".
3. "What am I going to do? Thought Doug" - you should try to define when your character is speaking or thinking by using the quotations. It helps the readers move forward logically within your piece. I notice quite often there was little or no punctiation where it would be needed. In the case above, it might read.."What am I going to do?", thought Doug."
or all the time thinking, "this is right! It's the only thing I can do."
4. "deceision" - "decision"
5. "ha" - "had"
Again, mostly I had trouble with his thoughts, which are so important to the story that you want to make sure you highlight them the best way. You have some great descriptions here, you just need a little going-over! Thanks for sharing
First let me congratulate you on being highlighted in the Newsletter. This piece is a good representation of your talent. I really enjoyed the imagery and some of your wording really stood out - like "expatriate Americans dining on Parisian crepes and sipping absinthe, instead of corporate clones munching on chips and cola." Very effective writing. Very good! Thanks for sharing
Good, very touching and its so nice to have a positive ending for once! Just a few technical errors that I caught.
"oftened joke" - I think this should be "often joked"
"hear" - should be "here" I believe.
"with out" - should be one word, "without"
Anyway, nice job! Write On!
I've read several pieces on the events of September 11th and your's certainly one of the most touching and endearing ones yet. The flow and word choice are wonderful. I enjoy your style and i look forward to reading more of your pieces. Thanks for sharing
This is very moving. The imagery is captivating. you pull the reader out of your car, onto that porch with you - and the scene is affecting the reader as much as you..makes my heart go out to you...and you manage to end on a up note - very nice! Well-written, beautiful style!
Your descriptions are good, but there are a lot of spelling errors that may trip your readers up and hurt the flow of your piece. Here are the ones I noticed but a good proof-read may catch most of them. Sometimes, I even read my stories backward to catch the more common spelling mistakes that usually go unnoticed.
doen - should be "down"
int he - should be "in the"
teh - should be "the"
flourensent - should be "flourescent" - you may need to check this one.
dorr - should be "door"
wast - should be "want"
unseccessful - should be "unsuccessful"
I tried to note these in the order they appear so you can easily find them when you revise.
Write On!!
The descriptions of the tavern and the city is very distinct, like you really see it in your mind and want to be very careful about making the reader see if a certain way. One sugestion, perhaps you could spend a little more of that descriptive talent on the man? Make him more of an entity to the reader? Let us invest a little bit more in this man and wonder why he's come to this place? Just a suggestion, you might be being vague by design in that case, disregard my comments. Just one or two technical errors, "my self" should be one word. And in the last paragraph you say.."after someone drug your beaten body in." - Maybe it should be "has dragged"? I don't know, you could try it. I got stuck a little on that word "drug". Good job though, Write On!
This piece was very tragic and poignant. The decriptions, though heartbreaking, were beautifully done. You have a really nice style, a good way of engaging the reader and encouraging them to stay with the story. You keep the writing simple and direct, that makes for an easy read despite the difficult subject matter. Nice job! Please keep at it.
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