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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/mayasclaw
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33 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Fireball One  
Review by EyeSingOnTheCake
Rated: E | (3.0)
I like the detailed technical direction of this piece, it actually reads like a firefighting crew on an airplane.

However, much more details are needed. It is not enough to simply name your characters, you must also describe them. And who is Terry Walker? Every time you introduce a character, you have to state who they are, and how they add to the story, otherwise you'll confuse the reader and stop the flow of the story.

Otherwise, it's a nice start.

Good Luck.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review by EyeSingOnTheCake
Rated: E | (4.0)
First off, let me say, great poem. I could hear the rhythm of it, and I was tempted to read this out loud. :) This was written in a classic poetic style, and I really enjoyed reading it.

Unfortunately, the first four lines really had me scratching my head considering the rest of the poem flowed so beautifully.

For so many years
My alarm awoke me so shrill,
With screams of "Get up!"
And "Get going still!"

"Awoke" is not a word. I can understand using words to maintain the rhythm of the poem, but this made me stop and take notice. As for "still", i understand that still is also used to maintain the rhythm, but the shrill-still rhyme does more harm than good because "Get going still" appears to be an awkward phrase.

I would encourage you to re-edit the first four lines, and make an already strong poem excellent.

Write On!

-EyeSingOnTheCake
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3
Review of A Bibulous Fool  
Review by EyeSingOnTheCake
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I really liked this poem. You didn't waver from your message, and you got right to the point, listing all the problems with alcohol and what it does to those that abuse it. The first six lines were my favorite.

The only problem I see is with "User abandon,". It would be less confusing to read if it was written, "User, abandon..." and then on to the last three lines.

Great Job!

-EyeSingOnTheCake
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Review by EyeSingOnTheCake
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Nice beginning. You did a great job of describing the protagonist and her motivations for wanting to pass, along with giving some background and family history.

However, I find fault with her inner dialouge not speaking with a French(or Creole at the very least) dialect. Also problematic is the lack of description of the Quadroon Ball and the other party goers. Another area that leaves me less than thrilled is the lack of time period listed, along with a lack of other characters. Surely, there are more people in her life other than her mother and her distant father.

With a little more depth, this could be a very solid introduction to an interesting character.

Write On!

-EyeSingOnTheCake
5
5
Review of Lady Of The Pond  
Review by EyeSingOnTheCake
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
First of all, I want to say thank you for asking me to review your poem. Reviews aren't something I really have time for, since I like to go in depth, but I'll take a stab at this and give you my opinion.

The first six lines were good. You not only set the scene, but your description of her dress in lines 7-9 left much to the imagination. How old is the dress? Is it from the 40's? Or as old as 1808? I think more description is wanted here. I also find it disappointing that you didn't say what color the dress is. And why is she wearing pantaloons with a dress?

I advise you to replace 'like' with another term in this poem. It's unnecessary. For example, instead of saying 'like in tunneled vision', you can simply say 'tunnel vision'. 'Tunneled vision' is an incorrect term.

Something you need to correct in this poem is past/present tense. You wrote in present tense through out the entire poem save for the last five lines, which are curiously written as if the whole scene happened a while ago.

Some of your lines are little long. For example, line 14 would look better like this:

And when she steps off the lake and onto the forest floor
The animals are not afraid

It's a suggestion that will make your poem look more polished.


Other than the problems I've listed, the spirit of the story is very romantic. The last stanza especially was sensual and very descriptive, and I liked the subject matter.

I encourage you to keep writing, and here are a few GP's as encouragement.

Best Of Luck!

-EOTB
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Review by EyeSingOnTheCake
Rated: E | (4.5)
*applauds you*

This was great! I liked the over-all sarcastic sound of this poem. Liberation is usually the number one B.S. excuse imperialistic countries use to invade other countries.

Keep It Up
-EyeOfTheBeholder
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Review of The Review Mixer  
Review by EyeSingOnTheCake
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a great program! Here's some points to keep it going.

-EyeOfTheBeholder
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8
Review of A Talisman  
Review by EyeSingOnTheCake
Rated: E | (3.5)
This kind of disappointed me, because you left out a lot of details. The only thing you told about the characters is that they are both male, and I must asume that Aerelnor is also. You gave no location at all. I like the fact that you are trying to create your own world, but you've given me the vaguest slice of it possible. Keep trying!

-EyeOfTheBeholder
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9
Review of teacher seduction  
Review by EyeSingOnTheCake
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
You have the same problems with this short story that you did with "a relationship unknown", but problems like punctuation, description weren't as bad in this one. Work on finding your voice as a writer. What little description you do use, most people would find "generic", for lack of a better word. I'm sure you can do better. Also, you might want to try capitalizing the title of your stories. A better job than your other short story, but this also needs a lot of editing. Don't give up! Writing is hard, but rewarding work.

-EyeOfTheBeholder
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Review of Misguidance  
Review by EyeSingOnTheCake
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
I liked the twist. I think you should have made it longer, and described the minister. And was "the Bible and his son" a typo, or was this a description of Jesus?

-EyeOfTheBeholder
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Review of dolls part 3  
Review by EyeSingOnTheCake
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
You're doing a great job in this series. The suspense is just right. It's kind of like a scary movie where you don't see the monster until the end. The only problems I see with this are punctuation, but other than that, I like!
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Review of It's not enough  
Review by EyeSingOnTheCake
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Very nice. Lots of songs(like the ones I write) are more abstract, but you expressed exactly what you were feeling. "She's ice in the fire's flame". Nice description. I know as you mature, you'll get even better. Keep writing!

-Eye
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Review by EyeSingOnTheCake
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
The celebrity and the main character keep on getting mixed up. And some of the questions that were asked earlier don't fit in with the story.
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14
Review by EyeSingOnTheCake
Rated: E | (5.0)
There's is nothing better than a hot bowl of soup. The best kind is velvety smooth, and is somewhere between a broth or a stew, but never either one. And in vegetable soup, it's best to have soft veggies, but not too soft, otherwise you have mush.
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Review by EyeSingOnTheCake
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I've worked for Subway, so I know you ahve asked a very important question. The truth is, subway olives are of a very good quality, and they're expensive.
Also, Subway artists have a formula they follow. They use too many olives, they don't get a 25-cent raise.
(I'm not kidding.) I hope this helped shed some light on your question.
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Review by EyeSingOnTheCake
Rated: E | (5.0)
Good poll. All of these annoy me, but I went with the barking dogs as the most annoying.
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