This is a good poem. It is based upon the well known Biblical story about the first stone. You have written in innovatively and there is a certain lyrical quality to it.
This is a real good poem and I have already reviewed it. This is a re-review for the purpose of re-rating as per your request because you have tried to coform to 11-8-11-8 meter.
You have still a few anomalies, but I will not hold them against you to withhold a full 5 star rating.
The following lines have the number of syllables indicated against each--
He wanted that squirrel, he would watch everyday, --12
with little Sammy leading the way, --9
I sat up and looked, toward the top of the street, --12
She said, "Hi there Boots!", as the dog chased my squirrel,--12
"I'll be back real soon, to give you a nice treat,--12
here in Bellfonte, is where we reside. --9
And Sammy and I, could run and chase the squirrels, --12
This is a sort of unique poem the like of which I have not read earlier. It combines many things--The feelings of a pet left behind by a family that has moved; The feelings of those who pass by; The thinking pattern of a dog chasing a squirrel; and, to top it all, the contriving and scheming mind of a cat conjuring up tricks to unite a pair so that they could take it home!
That much of a story line in a long poem requires the skills of a novelist and I hope you are one or going to be one.
I would have rated it 5 but for the fact that you have written in the foot note--"11-9-11-9 meter", which it is not--at lest in the first three stanzas whose syllabic counts are as follows:
10-8-11-8
11-8-10-8
11-8-11-8
You have entered it in my contest "FIVE STAR POETRY CONTEST:editor's choice" . I will increase the rating if you make changes and stick to a constant meter. If you do so, you must inform me that you have made changes that call for a fresh review.
This four line poem manages to convey the uniqueness (perceived or real) of the object of love described as "once she was mine", reflected in unmatched--
--shoulders-- (Honey cascading across alabaster shoulders)
--Orbs--(Gold flecked orbs heralding the treasure within)
It is a nice poem, especially considering that you wrote it in less than 15 minutes. There are no mistakes. The message is primal and clear--the eternal message of love.
You talk of someone whose love you could not fully appreciate and, later, feel sorry for it. This happens so commonly but your poem has put it in a new way. The following lines are remarkable--
Your ability to paint the potential
Of everyone who comes near to you
To bring out the lights of every soul
And paint out every hue
This is a nice poem but would make for easy reading and comprehension if you include at least some punctuation in the poem. At present it is almost devoid of punctuation. My experience has been that including punctuation also enables the writer to improve it further.
It seems to be a nice poem. I said "seems to be" because even though I can sense the meaning and the situation a bit, I would like to appreciate it more thoroughly. It is quite possible that it may be fully intelligible to others. Sometimes language and cultural trends in geographically and culturally and linguistically different places can be the reason for the difficulty experienced by me.
It is a nice poem. The feelings and emotions of hurt are well expressed.
SUGGESTIONS:
How it feels when someone you love tries to hurt you with their words
>>> From a grammatical point of view, I would feel more comfortable reading it as:
How it feels when someone you love tries to hurt you with words.
OR
How it feels when those you love try to hurt you with their words.
Life is like riding a Kayak down a wild river you never know where the ever-changing currents are going to drag you towards a completely new direction. Life is not a constant. The only thing predictable about life is that it will change. Friends, family, people, wives, kids, material items and jobs can come and go or be lost. If your life is centered on any of these things then when you lose them your life will be sent spiraling out of control, an Earth without a Sun to orbit. That is how I now felt. .....................................I had to make God the center of my life so that center would be stable and from that point I would be able to become a better person in all aspects of my life."
SUGGESTIONS--
He could feel the muscles in his shoulders and neck twists themselves into knotted bands of steel.
>>> twist
**
the sharp pains that started in his middle shoulder area and shot up through his neck and arms
>>> up through his neck and down his arms
**
The driver beginning to panic, now that he realized that he was on the brink of dropping over a steep hill.
>> The driver began to panic..............
**
The screaming whine of the big trucks engine started to slowly decrease
>> truck's
This is a very well written story. The language is free of mistakes and the imagery is abundant. You are obviously good at describing people and scenes. There is an element of unsolved mystery.
To write an acrostic, a souble one / mirror one at that, even having a unique story behind it, is something not easily or usually done and this mirrored acrostic deserves to be commended.
It is a nice poem. It depicts clearly the sequence of events from being hit on the road; to spending time in the hospital tied to tubes; to the thoughts in the drifting mind as parents come calling; to the terminal beep signalling the visit of the divine light.
It is a nice love poem. The scene appears to be the beginning of a warm, hopeful day when the lover is expected to fly over the place, on some journey, beautifully described as--
Fly over me once more
Tip your wings in recognition
The tree tops are dancing to your hum
I sing in rejoice
What a wonderful day indeed.
It is you.
It is a wonderful poetic account of the war one a half century ago.
The refrain is beautiful--
Oh! We didn't fight the Yankees, no we didn't fight at all,
we spent our time at Ripley and we really had a ball,
chasin' after women while the General stayed on call,
a livin' it up on lemon juice and rot-gut alkey haul.
It is a beautiful poem. Written as a dialogue between God and the martyred soldier, it queries whether he gave his life in vain, and ends with the wish--
"I am that forgotten soldier and maybe I died in vain;
But if I were alive, and my country called, I'd do it all again."
It is a pleasure to read this poem. It is very well written in rhyme. I have just one suggestion if you have no problem with counting syllables. The flow is good but would be enhanced still further if you adjust syllabic line lengths to a constant pattern.
It is a nice poem. The end lines are worth show-casing here--
But childish wonder remains,
Even though countless dull science classes have explained to me what the sky is,
I see it differently,
The sky itself seems like that endless blue-and-white blanket
I used on late cool summer nights
To hide from darkness
By pulling it over my body
And holding up the small electrical sun.
--M C Gupta
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