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This is written like a poem but is, in fact, hardly a poem.
Ref: Mrs. Jolie is a spoke person for poor people
AND
I guess looking cute doesn't necessarily
make you a spoke person
>>> The proper word is "spokesperson"
***
The United States cannot police the world
or rebuild nations.
We the people of America are screwed.
>>> I shall not comment on whether "the people of America are screwed", but I would certainly say that the USA thinks it is the supercop of the world and that it is its God given duty rebuild nations.
This is a good piece, and a needed one. Standards of language and grammar are declining, aided by SMS-texting styles.
I liked the way you give examples, such as:
***
New Horizons Academy offers courses in writing techniques, and it hires only the best instructors.
In this sentence, we have two independent clauses joined by a coordinating conjunction. New Horizons Academy offers courses in writing techniques can stand alone as a separate sentence. It hires only the best instructors is also an independent clause because it, too, can stand alone as a separate sentence. These clauses are joined by a Coordinating Conjunction, so a comma is needed before and.
There are two aspects of a poem--Poetic idea and poetic form. The former is evident here. The latter is not evident. Poetic form is expressed through rhyme and meter. They ad beauty and charm to a poem. They are also a bit difficult to achieve because much practice is needed.
When line length is highly variable in a poem, it is often indicative of lack of poetic structure.
An old man with a head set
What could he be listening to?
Another day of imponderables
For the intrepid mall walker.
***
Nice presentation of imponderables! At this rate, anything that a man or animal does would be imponderable. And, pray, why should others' acts be ponderable? Doesn't everybody have right to privacy of thought?
This is a nice comment on Trump. Or, rather, this is a nice comment on Trump's comment(s).
During the last nine months as US President, he has acted in a way that people, In the USA and outside, have learnt not to take his comments seriously.
The title of this piece (Five Ugly Things in Nature) is intriguing enough to attract the reader. The piece itself does not testify to the truthfulness of the title.
You have commented upon spiders, mosquitoes, warthogs, hyenas and monkeys. You have not said a word about their alleged ugliness. You have rather praised their unmatchable qualities!
Your writing style is good in general, except for a small hint:
Ref:
Their work ethics model dedication and perseverance.
>>> Their work ethics model--"dedication and perseverance".
This is a beautiful poem. It is so personalised, as if spring is a human being. The opening lines attract the reader immediately--
Where did you get your beautiful dress?
Who made over your pretty face?
You have made air fragrant and new.
Oh, My beautiful spring, I always love you.
Also, I learnt a new word today--warren. Just imagine, I spent 75 years without knowing what a warren is!
This is a wonderful poem. I don't remember having read earlier a poem on this theme. It is well written and has flow.
I particularly liked the following lines:
"I miss how we girls used to link arms on the playground and sing:
“Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider;
Girls go to college to get more knowledge”
I miss being little and cute
And feeling like a princess in ruffly, lacy dresses
Now I feel ugly and unloved,
Feeling pretty only when I wear tons of make-up and fashionable clothes
Now we girls fight over boys and boyfriends
Instead of uniting against them"
This story is just hilarious. And, since it is apparently true, is so wonderful! Just to imagine that, since "Boo likes to be the center of attention and since she wasn't in that position for a few minutes", "she went trotting off to who knows where" and returned and showed her blue treasure!
I never kept a dog. However, I guess every dog owner would have some surprising anecdote about the dog.
This is a nice horror / mystery story, the like of which I have never read before. A lady notices a tall building with stone statues. She tries to find about it. An old man warns her not to do so. She does not heed his warning. She goes inside, never to come out, except by way of turning into a statue at the roof top!
Nice idea, well woven into a story.
There a re 4-5 mistakes. An example--"clouds which were half-covered and out of site".
>>> sight.
It is a wonderful poem. Really wonderful. I am glad I found it.
Who would not enjoy reading the following--
As a young mother I was regal and grand.
The children and household were at my command.
But later in life, as my children grew,
They took over my stuff, including my shoes.
They ripped holes in my jeans and called it 'the style'.
The sleeves of my shirts lay there in a pile.
My jewelry was gathered and worn off to school.
"Mom doesn't care...Plus...I need to look cool."
The confirmation of my admiration comes from the 86 prior ratings, averaging 4.5!
This is a good poem. It starts with the description of nature, in all its vibrant splendour in different seasons, and, then, culminates in the last six lines:
And I
fall
into
the
choppy
depths.
***
There ends so familiar a story--the end of love; the end of life!
It was sad to read this account. Also,it was a learning experience. I learnt how different certain cultures can be. I am an India, 75, and live in India. The type of life you lived in your childhood would be pretty rare here. I think the difference is attributable to basic societal values. Things would change here, too, say in next 50-75 years. When affluence comes, coupled with a sense of individual freedom and rights, one tends to lose a sense of responsibility towards the family.
Thanks for giving a realistic insight into your childhood. One sentence particularly struck me--"I remember having to step over passed out bodies in the morning to make my way to the kitchen to get a bowl of cereal."
It was with pleasure (and a bit of pride) that I read this item. It is nice of you to keep a count of how many times I reviewed you. The fact is that I send a review back when I receive one. That is my policy. So, that means that you might have reviewed me 6-7 times!
The biggest strength of this site (WDC) is its review mechanism and the incentives for review. We should both thank the StoryMaster for that.
I am rather intrigued that such an item was written at all. I am not a novelist but I cannot imagine a situation when, as a reader, I would mind a scene where a character examines himself / herself in the mirror. Whether or not to have such a scene in the novel appears to me to be a pointless question. Nobody can answer such a question better than the writer himself.It is his plan, his write and his choice.
This is a nice poem telling a great, imaginary story.
MY COMMENTS:
1--It would be nice if you use the period where it is needed.
2--In:
Finnegan's heart was nearly shattered,
He'd come so far, you see
He tried his best to understand,
choose the path to nobility
>>> It appears you wanted to say "chose".
--M C Gupta
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