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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/mckinziesheart
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40 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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1
1
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Interesting. I was trying to find the rhythm and tone in your words and decided this must be free style. A little perplexed on what you are trying to say in this one. Could you elaborate just a bit especially on the alliteration?
2
2
Review of Rowans Samhain  
Rated: E | (3.0)
This is a cute story. There were some grammatical errors and the overuse of the word 'was' but I think with further editing, it will be a very nice piece. I learned early on, that stories come to life better when most of the 'was's' are replaced with action words. I can't tell you how many times I've had to comb through my stories just to weed out those pesky words! Other words that can be pesky are go and got.

Keep up the good work and welcome to writing.com!

Kat
~Live to write, write to live~
:)
3
3
Review of FAKE  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Except for some grammatical errors, I thought this was well written. Sometimes you just have to get it out of you before going back over it to mold it. Keep up the good work and welcome to writing.com!

Kat
~Live to write, write to live~
:)
4
4
Review of Perfect  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Simplistically sweet. I really liked it and I'm guessing if you wrote this for someone, that person enjoyed it as well. Keep up the good work!

Welcome to writing.com.

Kat
~Live to write, write to live~
:)
5
5
Review of When Jack Tries  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This was very heartfelt and well written. What would you classify this piece as? It reminds me of perhaps a slice of thought with a slather of bittersweet poetic license.

Keep up the good work and welcome to writing.com!

Kat
~Live to write, write to live~
:)
6
6
Review of My Life  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Very cute poem. Simple and to the point and happy. I liked reading something like this for a change that wasn't morbid. Keep up the good work and welcome to writing.com

Kat
~Live to write, write to live~
:)
7
7
Review of My Car  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Charming poem! I really got the giggles on this one. I won two scholarships one time on pieces that I wrote on two different cars that I had had. One was the Retromobile and the other The Dragon.

Did you mean to say 's***' in the first sentence instead of chit?

Anyway, I thought it was a nice piece.

Welcome to writing.com. I hope you enjoy this wonderful site.

Kat
~Live to write, write to live~
:)
8
8
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
This has a lot of interesting information. I think that if it was written more like a true journal, the reader could take the journey as well. Perhaps, there are scenes that could be more graphic and descriptive. It would also help if the past and present tenses weren't intermixed.

However, there is a tremendous amount of potential and imagination vested in this. I think you could mold it into something exciting. Your piece could be used as a spring board to develop into a nice fantasy piece.

Welcome to writing.com! I hope that you enjoy this wonderful site and good luck!

Kat
~Live to write, write to live~
:)
9
9
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
This one's nice as well but it loses me a bit. Maybe I'm missing something. Can you elaborate?

Kat
~Live to write, write to live~
:)
10
10
Review of Haiku 1.0  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I thought your Haiku was very nice...and a great first attempt! Welcome to writing.com. This is a wonderful site and I hope you enjoy it here.

Kat
~Live to write, write to live~
:)
11
11
Review of Angel  
Rated: 13+ | (1.0)
First of all, welcome to Writing.com. We always like to see fresh faces and new materials. As a group, we share and critique for each other. My name is Kat and I will be reading your material for your first rating. I hope that this critique will be helpful for you.

I was a bit confused when I read this piece. The syntax and grammar needs extensive work for a reader to be able to follow it. One suggestion would be for you to write out your materials then read it aloud when you edit it. By reading it out loud, you may find that it's easier to make the necessary changes by following the flow of your voice. I'm curious to know what your story is about but couldn't follow it.

If you could make these changes then maybe I could follow along to ascertain what the plot may be.

Good luck with your story. We're happy to have you.

Kathryn E. Lake
Senior Editor
The Reader's Retreat
senior-editor@thereadersretreat.com
12
12
Rated: 13+ | (1.5)
This story has a lot of potential should you decide to revamp it a bit. Some suggestions are:

Plot: Looks like you were building to a crescendo with the plot but at the end I didn't understand what it could be. I thought perhaps that the boyfriend was only there to give the main characters clothes size for a surprise gift at the end. That would have been ironic. It could have made for a good plot.

Format: Another problem I ran across was whether you wrote this piece in the first person or third. It crossed over between the narrative and quotes. It makes a story harder to follow when not keeping to one or the other. If it's written in the first person then one of the characters speaking to the other should also be in first person.

Syntax: there didn't seem to be a problem.

Flow: The story contained the word 'was' far, far too many times. A reader can get bogged down in a world of was. I found myself falling out of the story several times. This is an old personal demon of mine. I find that sometimes I have to write the story out then go back and change the 'was's' to action words.

I hope that these suggestions help you with your writing. Good luck!

~Live to write,
write to live~

Kathryn E. Lake
Senior Editor
The Reader's Retreat
thereadersretreat.com
13
13
Review of Together We Stand  
Rated: E | (2.5)
I think this poem has a lot of heart behind it and I'm glad to see another author with some heart. Some suggestions that I would offer: read aloud through your poem to see how it flows. You may find that some lines have too many words and others not enough. Place your words on paper, then go back through & edit until the flow is smooth. Anyone can place words on paper but it's how you arrange them that makes a difference. You don't want to knock the reader out of the mood of the poem because of technicalities.

And make sure that everything is spelled correctly. Readers can get knocked out of the mood when they stumble across incorrect words.

Keep up the good work!

~Live to write,
write to live~

Kathryn E. Lake
Senior Editor
The Reader's Retreat
thereadersretreat.com
14
14
Review of She  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is a very nice poem about your friend and well written. Some suggestions I would like to offer to make it 'pop' a little more would be to use the 'tags' to separate your lines. When you are typing in the window, there should be a link to click on above it. By using some of these, you'll be able to emphasize your thoughts the way you want your reader to understand. The only grammatical error that I noticed was on the last line, third word that should be 'your' instead of you.

Keep up the good work! :)

~Live to write,
write to live~

Kathryn E. Lake
Senior Editor
The Reader's Retreat
thereadersretreat.com
15
15
Review of Infatuation  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is a well written piece. The only suggestion that I have is that perhaps you can use some of the 'tags' to separate the paragraphs. At the moment, they run together and make for a difficult read. Separate them and the reader can flow through it without stepping outside of the story. :)

~Live to write,
write to live~

Kathryn E. Lake
Senior Editor
The Reader's Retreat
thereadersretreat.com
16
16
Review of What is Erotica?  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
It is all in how the author writes it. I have erotica that is strictly sexual and erotica that is molded and laced with romance. The pieces laced with a little romance tend to be more artistic.

Kat
:)
17
17
Review of Love's Fix  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Well, well, well, I have thoroughly enjoyed reading your story thus far and I'm only on chapter one! As soon as I have more time, I will definitely be back to read more. Hope everything is going well for you and I'll talk to ya later! :)
18
18
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a nice, simplistic poem. As a poem, though, I would make a few changes for easier reading. I would mold it a little more. Additionally, I wouldn't write it in paragraph form but would make some divisions. For example:

Golden thieves steal the darkness
from the cozy chamber in which I sleep;
an epic battle fought since the beginning of time.
Fight back dark souls!
Give me five more minutes.
19
19
Review of My Love  
Rated: E | (4.0)
It is always touching when someone writes so lovingly about their spouse. I think I wrote one for my husband but don't think it's in my port. He loved it! It was simple and to the point just like this one is.
20
20
Review of My Best Friend  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This was a very nice tribute to your friend. I bet she would love to read it. Have you shown it to her? Good job!

Write on!
21
21
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
This was a very good effort. I enjoyed your story but it would have been easier to read if you would check your punctuation. Also, you should seperate your quotes and keep them seperately. It would be a fine piece if you would make a few necessary changes. Welcome to writing.com. Write on! :)
22
22
Review of Soul of the Night  
Rated: E | (3.0)
I enjoyed your poem about the night. The only thing I would consider possibly changing is the part about the ocean. It doesn't go with the rest of the poem. If it was something about swimming through the milky way then it might have fit. If you make any change let me know. I would like to read it again!

Write on! :)
23
23
Review of The Fight  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I liked this one as well and liked your rhyming scheme. Also, enjoy your style and look forward to reading more of your pieces. Keep on writing! :)
24
24
Review of Kadigan  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Very interesting. I like the way that you turned some of your phrases and words. Write on!! :)
25
25
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is very creative. Are these characters that you made up yourself? You know, you could make this into something more. With more detail, you could create a short story or novel from this. Don't you think? Write on! :)
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