|This has a lot of interesting information. I think that if it was written more like a true journal, the reader could take the journey as well. Perhaps, there are scenes that could be more graphic and descriptive. It would also help if the past and present tenses weren't intermixed.
However, there is a tremendous amount of potential and imagination vested in this. I think you could mold it into something exciting. Your piece could be used as a spring board to develop into a nice fantasy piece.
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