*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Creative fun in
the palm of your hand.
Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/meduf
Review Requests: ON
100 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... -1- 2 ... Next
1
1
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hello, Patrece~So busy!!! !

As a part of the winning bid for a package in the Mermaid Wishes Auction, Pesky Amanda is a NaNo WINNER! requested that you be the recipient of one of the friend reviews in her package.

It's been a pleasure to review your contest entry, "The Secret Life Of Mannequins. , in affiliation with "The Rockin' Reviewers and "The Mermaid Wishes Auction - CLOSED .

I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. I am just another writer, so please use what works for you and discard the rest.


What I liked:

I love reading the PersonITfication stories to see what everyone comes up with. I like bringing the mannequins to life. It was a fun read.

My thoughts:

*CheckV* Adhering to the prompt:

Aside from the notation of the "PersonITfication -on HIATUS from 1/12/19 contest, I must assume that the prompt was at the minimum to personify mannequins. Without any additional information, from what I see, the prompt was met.

I saw someone use the {dropnote:"LinkTextHere"}{/dropnote} ml to house the prompt info out of sight at the bottom of the piece. I have been using it as it keeps the prompt for me for the future, and it is available for any review, if reviewer chooses to check it.

*CheckV* Plot:

The piece is about two clothing store mannequins and their plight.

*CheckV* Style and Voice:

The story is written in third-person omniscient. Given the short length of the piece, the use of this point of view is sufficient.

*CheckV* Scene/Setting:

The reader is left to assume that the location where this story takes place is either in a storefront window or inside of some type of store itself. There is little information except for their conversation. I see that the contest is limited to 500 words and you used 497 of them, but a few well placed words in the narrative or even their conversation would provide much needed setting info. The notation that Brad had once been in the underwear department, tends to make me believe it is a clothing or department store.

*CheckV* Characters:

There are two characters that lead us through their story. Brad and Bendy. I love the Bendy name. In a very short piece of fiction, these two characters are sufficient.

We find that Brad is in love with Bendy, but we are not privy to her reaction. I would have liked to have known what her response was and how they managed it in their stationary existence. But that is a story for another day.

*CheckV* Dialogue:

The dialogue is the bulk of this story and progresses the story along well.

I have noted a few comments regarding the mechanics of the dialogue in the grammar section below.

*CheckV* Mechanics:

Instead of hooking me, the first line of the story without a stated speaker was bothersome. It stopped me and made me wonder why there was no info about the speaker.

"Wow, did you see how that guy was checking you out?"


The second paragraph did not make sense to me as it relates to the first one.

"It wasn't ME he was checking out. It was this hot little number they dressed me in the other day....


The fact that Brad starts off with "Wow," I would assume that his comment would apply to right then and not some kind of squirrel moment. But she indicates that his comment was regarding something she wore "the other day."



*CheckV* Grammar:

The first thing that stood out to me was the high number of exclamation marks in such a short piece. There are ten total and one paragraph contains four, which is shown below.

"Well at least they gave you a decent name! They just call me Bendy!" she complained. "It's not my fault I was designed to be flexible!" she huffed in indignation. "You don't even want to see the things they do to me when they decide to make a game out of positioning me. It's downright insulting!"


Yes, this character is a bit passionate with her statements, but the exclamation mark looses its effectiveness. The use of your dialogue tags indicating her huffing and complaining attempt to convey her disgust and can do so better than an exclamation. In this case, the speaker technically cannot speak a tease, a complain or a huff. It would be better to use those verbs in a different manner in the exposition / narrative that accompanies the dialogue.

In both cases where the dialogue does not end with a question mark or an exclamation mark, a period was used incorrectly. It should be a comma. I have include the text below for your review.

"Still...She must've been impressed with your body." he teased.


"I guess so." she answered.


Conclusions

I don't know about you, but I find that after the contest, I totally forget the story and do not tinker with it unless someone does a review. I think that makes them different from a story that lives in your head and tries its best to get out. Those kind of stories invite revisions and additional effort, whereas these, although quite challenging and rewarding, seem to be more of an assignment and tend to get less post-contest attention.

With that said, I think this is a good job of personification of the mannequins. With some attention to the grammar and possibly expanding past the contest length, it can be a stronger story.

Thank you for sharing your story.

Best wishes,

D


Pic for signature for PDG Reviews
2
2
Review of Summer Kiss  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello, Schnujo Won NaNo! !

As a part of the winning bid for a package in the Mermaid Wishes Auction, Pesky Amanda is a NaNo WINNER! requested that you be the recipient of one of the friend reviews in her package.

It's been a pleasure to review your contest entry, "Summer Kiss, in affiliation with "The Rockin' Reviewers and "The Mermaid Wishes Auction - CLOSED .

I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. I am just another writer, so please use what works for you and discard the rest.


What I liked:

I liked that the story was about hopeful young love. Or I perceived it as young. *Smile*

I loved the spitting after the firefly lands on her lips. I could so relate to that.

My thoughts:

*CheckV* Adhering to the prompt:

I think you did a fine job working the summer and romance prompts into your story.

*CheckV* Plot:

Our story follows a less than confident man as he tries to woo a new woman in his life.

*CheckV* Style and Voice:

The piece is written in first person and present tense. It is not often that we are presented with present tense and I must admit it was distracting. I went back through it closely to as tense seems to be something we all struggle with, and you did well in keeping it all in the present.

*CheckV* Scene/Setting:

The outdoor setting works well with bugs and the heat in keeping with the summer prompt.

*CheckV* Characters:

Our two characters are sufficient for the short story, and they move the story along at a good pace.

*CheckV* Dialogue:

Their dialogue is natural and flows well. As noted before, their interactions move to story along to its conclusion nicely.

*CheckV* Mechanics:

I did not find anything in the mechanics that stood out to me. Well done.

*CheckV* Grammar:

The only question I have is with the "smart alec" spelling. It thought it was spelled differently. Plus, you have it written almost as a name as it is capitalized.

Webster says that your spelling is the less common one, but it should not be capitalized. Otherwise, the more common spelling is "aleck."

Conclusions

I liked the story and found it well written. I chuckled about the spitting through to the end of the story.

Thank you for sharing your story.

Best wishes,

D


Pic for signature for PDG Reviews


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
3
3
Review of The Power  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Hello, Pesky Amanda is a NaNo WINNER! !

As a part of your winning bid in the Mermaid Wishes Auction, it's been a pleasure to review your contest entry, "The Power, in affiliation with "The Rockin' Reviewers.

I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. I am just another writer, so please use what works for you and discard the rest.


What I liked:

I liked that the story felt like it had a lot of person truth to it. It is as though it truly fit the contest and came from the heart.

My thoughts:

*CheckV* Adhering to the prompt:

I am not sure what the prompt was other than your notation that it was a "Write from the heart" contest.

Just as a note, I had seen someone include a dropnote at the bottom of the story to contain the prompt info without being distracting to the story. I really liked that so I have been using it so that way I will remember what the constraints were as well as the reviewer may consult it if they wish. {dropnote:"LinkTextHere"}{/dropnote}

See the grammar section below for an example of a dropnote.

*CheckV* Plot:

The story is about how a few simple words can impact a person's life. Fortunately, in this case, it was a few positive words.

*CheckV* Style and Voice:

The story is told in first-person limited which works well as it allows the story to remain more intimate than a different voice would.

*CheckV* Scene/Setting:

The setting is limited to a few places which is sufficient for a short story of under 1500 words.

I have only one comment about this part of your story.

I had just crossed the street and was about ten steps from my car door when I stopped for a second to take a sip of my coffee. At that point, I didn't even have the energy to finish walking to the car and sit down......


This is just something that stood out to me. Here she has not even the energy to make it a few feet to her car, but she walks back to the coffee shop? It struck me as inconsistent.

*CheckV* Characters:

Kendra, a college student, is the main character. There are a few minor characters of which the barista plays a supporting role.

Again, the limited scope works with the short story.

*CheckV* Dialog:

I proceeded to tell her that she had no idea what her words meant to me and she would never understand how much she touched my heart.....


You allowed the barista to speak to us with her words, but you did not allow your main character to do so. I believe it would be better to show than tell in this case, as in most situations. Also, there needs to be a comma before "and" as it is an independent clause.

*CheckV* Mechanics:

For some reason, I was confused about the time period in which this story takes place. I think it spans the week or a few days, but on the first read, I thought it was a high school romance that she was speaking of that had gone sour. The reference to Thursday when the breakup occurred let me know it was current day. Then the bad day at work being Monday. Then the meeting with the old friend references the night before. I was not sure when the doctor's appointment took place (Friday?). Nonetheless, it is confusing.

*CheckV* Grammar:

I found several items that you may want to review.

It was a pretty typical Monday afternoon. I went in the local coffee shop to grab a quick cup of coffee so that I could make it through an hour at the gym, and the never ending supply of work that I brought home with me that day.


I do not believe a comma should go after "gym" as the remaining part of the sentence is not an independent clause.

After about five minutes, the woman behind the counter reached over and handed me my coffee in a to go cup, I said thanks, she said come again, and I was off, back to business.


I believe this is a run-on sentence. There are a few other run-on sentences. I have included them below so there is not so much repetition in the review.

Additional Grammar Items to Review:

Conclusions

I like the message of the story, and I believe that after a review of some grammar issues, it will be a stronger story.

Thank you for suggesting that I review this story.

Best wishes,

D


Pic for signature for PDG Reviews


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
4
4
Review of Negative One  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, Genipher-gone fishing! !

It's been a pleasure to review your contest entry, "Negative One, on behalf of "The Rockin' Reviewers.

I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. I am just another writer, so please use what works for you and discard the rest.


What I liked:

I liked that I did not get that the instructor was the main character's father. Nice surprise.

My thoughts:

*CheckV* Adhering to the prompt:

The only thing that made me think this was a contest entry is the folder that it was in, but aside from that, there is no info to determine what the prompt for that day was.

I include the prompt as it helps the reviewer, well, most of the time. Some still do not look at the prompt and then make comments about those things that were constraints of the contest.

*CheckV* Plot:

The story involves an unnamed trainee taking a driver's test in an alien spaceship. It is a cute story and kept my attention.

*CheckV* Style and Voice:

The story is written from the main characters point of view. It is told in third person limited and works well in these formats.

*CheckV* Scene/Setting:

Nearly the entire story takes place in the spacecraft on the mothership or traveling to and from Earth's atmosphere. The limited setting helps contain the flash story.

*CheckV* Characters:

There are two characters which are the driver and instructor. At the end of the story, we find they have a child and parent relationship, which adds to the conflict of the story.

*CheckV* Dialog:

The dialog works for the story. The instructor is primarily short and gruff and the driver is nervous and chatty.

*CheckV* Grammar:

There are several instances where instead of using "said", the characters gulp, sniff, shrug, grin, sigh, snort their words, which is impossible. One cannot gulp or sniff a sentence. These out of the ordinary dialog tags are distracting and made me stop at each one instead of continuing the flow of the story.

If you want to include those sounds or actions, try to do so separate from the dialog tag.

"Negative one point. You're supposed to use your left hand to activate the engines."

"But..." I gulped, "The button's on my right side..."


Maybe something to the effect of:

I gulped down a few choice words and said, "But the button's on my right side."

or

I gulped down a few choice words. "But the button's on my right side."

"That's pretty old-school," I grinned, attempting to lighten the mood, "I thought paper had gone extinct ages ago."

"Negative one point," Meeroc sniffed, "No idle chit-chat while driving."


"That's pretty old-school. I thought paper had gone extinct ages ago." I had a stupid grin on my face as I attempted to lighten the mood.

"Negative one point." Meeroc sniffed and marked his paper again. "No idle chit-chat while driving."

Conclusions

Aside from the small issues with the dialog tags, it is a well written and fun story. I loved the crop circle and cow references.

Thank you for sharing your story.

Best wishes,

D


Pic for signature for PDG Reviews


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
5
5
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello, ruwth

It's been a pleasure to review your essay, "Spring Is In The Air..., on behalf of "The Rockin' Reviewers.

I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. I am just another writer, so please use what works for you and discard the rest.


What I liked:

I liked that it was a non-fiction piece and something I have not had the pleasure of reviewing. It made me smile and offered a glimpse into your world.

And I liked that you invited me to review it. It was a very nice of you to give me the gift points for reviewing, but it was not necessary.

My thoughts:

Your request asked about how to make it better and draw your readers into the experience and the story. After reading your essay, I have a few suggestions.

I think that if you are wanting to invite your readers in, you might want to summons your mother into the opening paragraph. I think it would be more intimate in the first paragraph rather than waiting until the third.

Something like this:

Whenever I think of spring, I immediately hear my mother's voice. "Spring is in the air."

I first heard her utter this expression when I was growing up in Wellsville, New York. Wellsville is a little town in Southwestern New York State. Wellsville, New York is ninety miles south of Buffalo, close to the Pennsylvania border.


*CheckV* Style and Voice:

The story is easily readable and it has an old time feel with the term "menfolk." It is a nice recounting of a memory paired with a current event.

*CheckV* Grammar:

I am sure when my mother said, "Spring is in the air.", she was talking about the freshness of the air.


There is a period after air that should not be there if you are putting the quote in the middle of the sentence.

I was wondering about the following line. Is this something you think or they said? The dashes did not make sense to me.

They told me spring here in Oklahoma didn't particularly have its own smellโ€”"It just smells like dirt."


Conclusions

This is a grand little essay about the spring that treats us to the present and the past time. It was a delight to read and review.

Thank you for sharing your essay.

Best wishes,

D


Pic for signature for PDG Reviews


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
6
6
Review of Under Mars  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Hello, Scarecrow !

It's been a pleasure to review your contest entry, "Under Mars, on behalf of "The Rockin' Reviewers and for the monthly review challenge.

I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. I am just another writer, so please use what works for you and discard the rest.


What I liked:

I really like reading the contest entries as I am amazed at what we can create with a few words of a prompt. The story kept my attention, and I wanted more.

My thoughts:

*CheckV* Adhering to the prompt:

There is no information in the piece to indicate what the prompt was aside from it having a contest genre. I put in a dropnote at the bottom of my entries mostly for myself, but I have found it helps the reviewer understand the "why" frequently.

*CheckV* Plot:

The story is about two explorers on the Martian surface. They encounter a strange reading on a scanner and venture out to determine what it is. There is a mild conflict in that one character wants to explore the area and another does not.

It might help to solidify the reason why no one called back to the base camp or summoned them to come see what they had found. That seemed odd to me. She tells him to radio back to base while she gets the winch ready. Does he? Does this resolve their conflict and need to return so they don't have latrine duty? There is no further discussion about why what was just previously a big deal just disappears. Plus it is used again in the end of the story for a reason to leave.

*CheckV* Style and Voice:

The story is written in third-person omniscient which works for the piece. It is an easy to read Sci-fi story.

*CheckV* Scene/Setting:

We amble along with the two explorers on the surface of Mars as they explore their immediate surroundings. I suspect there was likely a word limitation for this contest, but a bit more of the what the surroundings look like would give me more of a feel for the place. All I can envision is a red, dusty area of rocks and a hole from what you little you have told me.

Is it cold? Is it hot? Do they have oxygen generators / scrubbers on their chests so they can carry the rock samples on their backs? Or is the samples on their chests and that is why they are stooped? Is the Sun really bright? Do they pick their way through huge boulders or is it a lot of unstable little stuff?

*CheckV* Characters:

The beginning of the story starts off oddly with the characters being the one on the left and the one on the right. That was very distracting to me for some reason. If you would have introduced them early on, I would have breezed right over the intro with little regard. This way I had lots of questions. "Why don't they have names?" "Who is which one?" "Why are they 'right' and 'the other'?"

*CheckV* Dialog and Grammar:

I noticed that your opening quotation mark has a space after it. I have not seen that before. I think Os uses a single quote thing which is different, but she's from New Zealand or somewhere on the other side of the world.

There are several ending quotation punctuation errors. I have listed a few below.

" Hold on a sec." came the tinny voice from the helmet's speaker.

" Do we have to?" the other answered, " These rocks are breaking my back."


The first sentence needs a comma after "sec" to set off the dialog tag.

The second sentence is a question, but the tag refers to it as an 'answer' to a question. Because you are asking a question, the second part of your sentence should be its own sentence, thus there needs to be a period and not a comma after the tag. There are a few sentences where this applies when you have used an exclamation and then a comma to continue the sentence with the tag in the middle of the sentence.

" Maybe this one will. Like I said, twenty minutes. We should at least look into what brought us down here in the first place." She scanned with her tablet and began moving down the tunnel, her light bathing the walls and piercing the darkness ahead. Peter busied himself by logging the rock composition data and was in the process of taking a sample when Jean's voice, echoing and amplified by the tunnel, called to him " Pete, come look at this!" When he got to where she was standing, he found her facing the tunnel wall. " What do you think of this?" she said.


This paragraph should be broken into several paragraphs that are specific to each speaker. Where Peter begins to busy himself should be a separate paragraph.

She asks him a question on the last line, thus it should be 'she asked' and not 'she said.'

There are several of the same types of errors throughout the piece, but I have only listed a few examples.

*CheckV* Mechanics:

There is one area where you use both metrics and imperial measurements in the same paragraph.

After a short distance the pair came upon a sinkhole eight feet in diameter in the Martian surface. Jean flipped on her search beam and shone it down the hole, illuminating what appeared to be a mostly flat surface twenty meters below.


Conclusions

Overall, I think it was a good story that needs a few tweaks to the dialog and structure and it would be an even better story.

I understand that this was a contest entry and often I hastily write them, and the only time I revisit them is when someone reviews it and points out issues for me to address. Some of the 24 hour contests allow for the errors that a quick story can generate.

If you endeavor to work on this and want another review, I would be happy to do so. Just drop me a line.

Thank you for sharing your story.

Best wishes,

D


Pic for signature for PDG Reviews


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
7
7
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Hello, Pat ~ starting a new journey !

It's been a pleasure to review your story, "The Old Iron Bunk Bed, on behalf of "The Rockin' Reviewers and for your 10-year anniversary! Congrats. That is a long time to be a member of any organization.

I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. I am just another writer, so please use what works for you and discard the rest.


What I liked:

This is a recounting of a place that is dear to your heart. It is nice to read a piece about something that is positive in our lives. I am glad that you took the time to write about it. I also chose it as it had not been reviewed.

My thoughts:

*CheckV* Plot:

I suppose this is more of an essay than a story, eh? (This piece has identified my need for another review tool template.) The piece sets out to document a place that has brought you some peace over the years. It isn't an extravagant place, but a simple one of an old building in the woods. The old iron bunk bed is the arms of the forest holding you close and safe.

*CheckV* Style and Voice:

The piece is written in an easy going and easily understood manner. It is as though I am having a chat with you about this memory.

*CheckV* Scene/Setting:

The scene and setting are integral to the piece and there are plenty of senses to add to our view: sweaty outer layers, cool sheets, a warm breeze, hair dryers and birds.

*CheckV* Characters:

Our narrator and main character is our Ms. Pat. Our development is your desire to have a bit of peace and the fact that you carry this place with you to visit in your time of need.

*CheckV* Grammar:

I am going to go out on a limb here and ask about the comma in the following sentence. Should it be there? Should it be "nor" with a negative "not"? I'm never quite sure on those neither / nor rules.

It is not found on a sandy beach, or in a sunny meadow.


I have another question about the following two sentences. It seems as though the first comma should not be there on either of them. What do you think?

Near the bed, hangs a rickety screen door, all that stands between the bed and the woods nearby.


Mingled in, is the croaking of frogs gathered to visit at their favorite spot in the stream and an occasional bee buzzing by to say hello.


Conclusions

I like the imagery this piece invokes. I think you did a fine job of leading us around the camp and sharing the place with us.

Thank you for sharing your special place with us.

Best wishes,

D


Pic for signature for PDG Reviews


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
8
8
Review of Unknown DNA  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, Angel !

It's been a pleasure to review your contest entry, "Unknown DNA, on behalf of "The Rockin' Reviewers.

I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. I am just another writer, so please use what works for you and discard the rest.


What I liked:

The best thing is that we tied for second on this one. What a weird but glorious event!
I liked the suspense in your entry as well.

My thoughts:

*CheckV* Adhering to the prompt:

There are a lot of folks that try to cram a loose story into less than 75 words. That is not the purpose of "BLINK!. I like that you stuck to a minimum of info and just let us know that something happened, but not exactly what. Good job.

*CheckV* Dialog and Grammar:

Yes, people are saying, well you're the scientists, you should have known, but we don't know everything.


One thing I did notice, but I am not too sure about is quoted above. Should the "...well, you're the scientists, you should have known..." be italicized or in quotes? I also think there should be a comma after the "well."

Let me know what you find out about how an indirect quote as such should be handled.

Tense and Tone

There is a bit of denial that is emitted from this story. It feels like a press conference and/or political deniability flying around. Or an explanation being given by the husband to the spouse over a hushed cup of coffee in the back of a coffee shop. I like it. (O:

The whole story is in the past tense and it works well that way.

I was just thinking that present tense or first person might have given more immediacy and intimacy to this panicky press like statement. But again, the way it is written works well.

Plot and Characters

Well there is not really a plot or character development to speak of, but this might make a good short or longer story.

Conclusions

It is hard to do a big review on a 75 words or less contest entry, but I hope it gave you some benefit and food for thought.

Thank you for sharing your story and for doing a review on mine.

Best wishes,

D


Pic for signature for PDG Reviews


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
9
9
Review of Query Letter  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (2.0)
Hello, Anthony Sanders !

It's been a pleasure to review your "Query Letter, on behalf of "The Rockin' Reviewers.

Thank you for your review request. I hope you find this feedback useful. I am just another writer, so please use what works for you and discard the rest.


My thoughts:

I have never created a query letter before but I will try my best to offer a reader's perspective.

I decided to go take a peak at Writer's Digest's info about query letters. It was very interesting and I am including a link: http://www.writersdigest.com/writing-articles/by-w...

From reading this article by a literary agent, I can understand why they state you have to be short and sweet. She indicates she rarely gets to the end of the letter. And even more discouraging is the 1/400th or 1/2000th acceptance rate. So with that said, a strong opening is needed.

*CheckV* Opening:

The first line of your query states the obvious to the reader, that they are seeking YA material. Instead, tell them about your story in a strong short statement. I have heard people say that you need to be able to impart your story in one or two sentences.

*CheckV* Bio:

I believe you need to sell yourself in your letter. The only information we get is that you live in Flint, Michigan. Which doesn't give me a warm and fuzzy that you are well versed with Galveston and the surrounding areas. It would be better to relay that you lived in Galveston for many years or spent your summers there as a kid or took many trips to the area over the year to glean the feel of the place. Have you been to Galveston?

*CheckV* Mechanics:

One thing that I noticed right away is that the title is not properly formatted. It should at least be italicized. It is interesting that that article shows the title in full caps. Might need to research that issue.

If you intend on killing off your young lovers, I think you need to change your genre to a tragedy and not a romance. A romance needs to end on a positive note, I believe.

The explanation about your story is a bit confusing. Why would a community terrorize this child? If the father raped the mother why would he be privy to her having an abortion? The existence of the child for 16 years is not keeping a secret and killing him won't make that fact go away. These are just thoughts/questions I had when I read your explanation.

*CheckV* Grammar:

There are capitalizations that I do not understand. You have "Bi-racial" and "White" capitalized. It is like it is stated because something is wrong with being either of those races. That is just how it came across to me. It would have been better received by me if you said something to the effect that racial tensions in the area and of the time were a source of conflict for the young lovers. Make them read the manuscript to get the nitty-gritty.

"16 year old" should be 16-year-old and "terrorises" is misspelled.

Conclusions

I think that you have a good start to your query letter and requesting a review is a plus. I believe there are things you should investigate before sending off this letter.

I think I would have a different perspective as well, if I would have read the story so I could see where you are coming from, but an agent or publisher doesn't have that advantage. So you need to make me want to read more. If I were reading thousands of queries a year, I don't think I would have requested your manuscript. There was just not enough of a hook to reel me in.

Also, try to request a review from some of the published authors. They will definitely have a different perspective than I do.

If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to send me an email.

Thank you for sharing your query letter.

Best wishes,

D


Pic for signature for PDG Reviews


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
10
10
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, BScholl !

It's been a pleasure to review your contest entry, "Another Lifetime (1st Place), on behalf of "The Rockin' Reviewers.

I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. I am just another writer, so please use what works for you and discard the rest.


What I liked:

I am fascinated by writing and reading what a few prompt words or images can dredge forth from our minds. I liked the place you went to with the prompts. It was moving and entertaining to read.

My thoughts:

*CheckV* Adhering to the prompt:

You made good use of the prompts. I was not thinking of the postal service though, when you stated "men in blue."

*CheckV* Plot:

The flash contest entry contains a good story that centers around a long-lost piece of correspondence that the postal service manages to find some years later. It is not known how long the letter was lost. The main character sets out to deliver the late correspondence to its intended recipient.

*CheckV* Style and Voice:

The story is told in past tense and from third person. It is written in what appears to be omniscient from the narrator's point of view. The story works fine in this style.

*CheckV* Scene/Setting:

As is with most flash pieces, we are limited to what info we can share due to the constraint typically of word count. There is little of the setting that is passed along, but we can deduce the basic information from the story. Such as, it is not known if it is a city or suburban location, but 750 stops would rule out a rural location.

*CheckV* Characters:

The mail carrier, Joel, feels like he has a special delivery but does not consider the impact this long-lost letter could have on the recipient. Instead of jubilation, he is met with disbelief and shortly thereafter disgust. We feel the let down as Joel stands on the stoop still holding the yellowed letter.

*CheckV* Dialog:

The dialog moves the story along well and imparts background information throughout the story.

*CheckV* Grammar:

I saw no glaring mistakes. The story is easily readable.

Conclusions

The title notes that the story won first place and in reading the nicely written story, I can see why. This is a good story packed into just under 300 words. More words would have likely allowed for more setting and visual pieces.

I am sorry for the duplicate review. I failed to include my affiliation properly so I included some gift points for the inconvenience.

Thank you for sharing your story.

Best wishes,

D


Pic for signature for PDG Reviews


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
11
11
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
Hello, Joey Bardin !

It's been a pleasure to review your story, "One Mans Revenge (Leave feedback), on behalf of "The Rockin' Reviewers.

I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. I am just another writer, so please use what works for you and discard the rest.


What I liked:

The story asked for feedback right in the title. I liked that the request was right out there.

It was an interesting vignette to follow. I did want to read more about what happened after where you left off.

My thoughts:

*CheckV* Plot:

The story is a bit incomplete as we are not aware of what this revenge is all about and what happens after the story ends. I am unsure if you intend to expand upon this story, but given you asked for feedback, I will assume so.

*CheckV* Style and Voice:

The story is written in past tense and adheres to that throughout the story.

It is written in third person and in a limited point of view.

Both of these choices work well for the story, although we are not privy to much of what is going on inside of the main character's head as to the "why" of the story.

*CheckV* Scene/Setting:

The scene and setting is an old west street. We have a bit of information about the place but a few more of the sense may help your story. Is he cold? What does he smell? Can he hear the murmur coming from the office?

*CheckV* Characters:

There are a few characters in this short story. I was a bit confused about who is who. I think that you need to identify who Richmond is. I don't know if it is Justice's last name or someone else.

*CheckV* Dialog:

There needs to be some dialog tags (he said, she said) or some other means to identify which person is speaking. I am sure it would be more clear once Richmond is identified, but it is easy for the reader to get lost, as I am.

โ€œIโ€™m going to kill you.โ€
Palmer put his hand on the bigger mans chest and nodded at him before stepping into the moonlight.
โ€œSeems I underestimated you Richmond.โ€
Justice shook his head slowly.
โ€œThat man is dead.โ€
Palmer laughed.
โ€œPlanning your own funeral Richmond?โ€
Justice stepped forward and raised his head, looking at Palmer. Palmer shivered but didnโ€™t lose his composure.
โ€œYou are a dead man!โ€
โ€œI've got nothing to lose.โ€


I have no idea who is talking about what here.


*CheckV* Mechanics:

There needs to be some blank lines added between the lines of dialog and the paragraphs to make it more readable.

*CheckV* Grammar:

There are some improvements needed to the punctuation of the dialog. Consider the following:

โ€œPalmer!โ€ He yelled. โ€œCome out here and fight me you son of a bitch!โ€


Even though there is an exclamation in the quotes, the "he" should be lower case, as in "Palmer!" he yelled.

There also should be a comma following "me" in the next sentence.

โ€œSeems I underestimated you Richmond.โ€


A comma is needed after "you" to set off the name.

There are several other instances of missing commas throughout the story.

I tell a lot of people about this as I learned a significant amount about the comma in the Comma Sense class at New Horizons. It costs 10,000 gps for the class and it is well worth the dollar investment.

Conclusions

I think you have a good start at this story. A few corrections to the grammar and expanding the story a bit will improve it significantly, in my humble opinion.

Thank you for sharing your story.

Best wishes,

D


Pic for signature for PDG Reviews


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
12
12
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, BScholl!

It's been a pleasure to review your contest entry, "Another Lifetime (1st Place), on behalf of "The Rockin' Reviewers.

I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. I am just another writer, so please use what works for you and discard the rest.


What I liked:

I am fascinated by writing and reading what a few prompt words or images can dredge forth from our minds. I liked the place you went to with the prompts. It was moving and entertaining to read.

My thoughts:

*CheckV* Adhering to the prompt:

You made good use of the prompts. I was not thinking of the postal service though, when you stated "men in blue."

*CheckV* Plot:

The flash contest entry contains a good story that centers around a long lost piece of correspondence that the postal service manages to find some years later. It is not known how long the letter was lost. The main character sets out to deliver the late correspondence to its intended recipient.

*CheckV* Style and Voice:

The story is told in past tense and from third person. It is written in what appears to be omniscient from the narrator's point of view. The story works fine in this style.

*CheckV* Scene/Setting:

As is with most flash pieces, we are limited to what info we can share due to the constraint typically of word count. There is little of the setting that is passed along, but we can deduce the basic information from the story. Such as, it is not known if it is a city or suburban location, but 750 stops would rule out a rural location.

*CheckV* Characters:

The mail carrier, Joel, feels like he has a special delivery but does not consider the impact this long lost letter could have on the recipient. Instead of jubilation, he is met with disbelief and shortly thereafter disgust. We feel the let down as Joel stands on the stoop still holding the yellowed letter.

*CheckV* Dialog:

The dialog moves the story along well and imparts background information throughout the story.

*CheckV* Grammar:

I saw no glaring mistakes. The story is easily readable.

Conclusions

The title notes that the story won first place and in reading the nicely written story, I can see why. This is a good story packed into just under 300 words. More words would have likely allowed for more setting and visual pieces.

Thank you for sharing your story.

Best wishes,

D


Pic for signature for PDG Reviews
13
13
Review of I had a dream  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello, K.HBey

It's been a pleasure to review your poem, "I had a dream, on behalf of "The Rockin' Reviewers.

I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. I am just another writer, so please use what works for you and discard the rest.


What I liked

I liked that you are willing to write all kinds of things in a language that is not native to you. I am impressed by that effort. I have tried to learn another language and I struggle terribly.

I liked your poem as it is something we can all relate to.

My thoughts

*CheckV* Overall Impression/Emotional Impact:

At the end of the poem, it left me with the exasperated feeling of waking and realizing it was a dream.

*CheckV* Form, Format, Rhyme and Meter (as applicable):

The poem is written in what appears to be a freestyle form.

*CheckV* Artistic Voice and Imagery:

The poem is written in first person and contained limited imagery.

You could add more senses so that we get to experience the dream. What do you hear? The roar of the crowd? The clanging as the train approaches? The bitter taste of the coffee in your hand? Let us stand close to you and feel the cologne of the passing stranger.

*CheckV* Grammar and Mechanics:

As noted above, I know that you are not a native English speaker. Overall, you have done a fine job with your writings. I chose this poem as I saw a few things that you could possibly improve upon.

I am within people and in such crowd; though your presence betrays you.


"Within" is clunky here. I believe you mean that you are "among" or "surrounded" by people. "Within" sounds like you are actually inside of people.

"...and in such crowd..." is also an odd phrase. I think you mean in a large crowd, but I am not sure.

"Your glance..." I believe should be "You glance..." as "your" does not fit here but it does work in the fifth paragraph / stanza.

"Within diverse faces, I feel you, though you flee melting in those strange persons.


I believe you need a comma after "flee" and "in" should likely be "into."

Searching you in vain, you are not there.


After "Searching" you need to add "for", as without it, it implies you were physically searching the person as though you were a police officer or something as such.

These are just minor things that stood out to me.

If these suggestions don't work for you, discard them.

If you have any questions, feel free to send me an email or an instant message.

Conclusions

I believe you have a good grasp of English. As noted, these are small things that could improve the readability of your piece.

Thank you for sharing your poem.

Best wishes,

D


Pic for signature for PDG Reviews


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
14
14
Review of We'll Rise Up  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Winnie,

This is an awesome story. It was deserving of the win. Congrats.

I loved all of the characters and I listened to the song as I read the tale you spun.

Thanks for sharing.

D
15
15
Review of G.o.T. Cheers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
** Image ID #2129593 Unavailable **

As you know, the House Stark is a force to be reckoned with. We, wolves, are pleased with the newly fallen snow and advance of winter. We will be hunting, watching, lurking in the shadows of the throne. Beware of the brave!

We are coming for you!


Sig by the Queen, Hannah
16
16
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (2.0)
Hello, JA!

It's been a pleasure to review your story, "Searching For The Last Goodbye, on behalf of "The Rockin' Reviewers.

I'm sorry it has taken me a bit to get this review done. I did a ton of reviews and then took a little break. I kept your email to make sure I would not lose your info.

Anyway, I enjoyed reading your story and hope you find this feedback useful. I am just another writer, so please use what works for you and discard the rest.


What I liked:

I liked that this young girl was on a mission to find something and that she was successful. It was touching that she wanted to find it in time for her mother's funeral. I kept reading because I was curious as to what it was she was looking for.

My thoughts:

    *CheckV* Plot:

This short story chronicles the quest of a young girl to locate an item. We are not let on to what it is she is looking for until near the end. At that time, we don't realize the importance of her finding what she is looking for.

    *CheckV* Style and Voice:

The story starts out in present tense and switches back and forth to past tense. I have included a few examples for your review below.

The girl looked at the man and sadly stated, โ€œNo sir, I donโ€™t have any idea of streets or even maybe where it could be.....


โ€œOh my gosh,โ€ she cries, โ€œthis is it. Oh thank you, thank you. You helped me find it.โ€ She folds the map,....


I do not believe there is a literary reason for the switching of tenses. It would make your good story even stronger by settling on one tense throughout. It is very confusing for the reader to be snatched back and forth between tenses.

The story is told from the omniscient third person point of view (POV). This is due to occasional use of the other characters "thinking". It would be a limited POV for the girl if those instances were changed. I believe you were meaning more of a pause as the "thinking" only results in the character saying something. I have included an example below for your review. There are a few instances of this throughout your story.

The man looked at her, thinking hard, โ€œWell, there are a couple of parks pretty close to here. Which one are looking for? Do you know what street?โ€


    *CheckV* Scene/Setting:

There are two settings in this story. A location where the girl once lived and the funeral home where her mother's viewing takes place.

I noticed there is a word count at the bottom of the story, so it is possible that this was a contest entry. If that is so, then there is not much wiggle room for more description, but as a reader, it would have been nice to see more of what you envisioned at the conclusion of the story. Do you smell the sickly sweet scent of too many different types of flowers in the stuffy room for the viewing? Is there a perfume the neighbor always wears that makes you want to puke? It is 'deathly' quiet in there or is there a low murmur that continued until they saw her walk past? Let your writing immerse us in the senses of the character for a richer reader experience.

    *CheckV* Characters:

The main character is an unnamed girl of unknown age. I suspect she is young given she had some concern about getting back before anyone noticed she was gone. There are a few others characters she meets on the street in her search for a particular park.

Given this is a short story there is minimal character development which seems fine as the character was successful in her quest.

    *CheckV* Dialog:

There is both internal and external dialog in this story. Typically external dialog is surrounded in double quotes and internal dialog, where the character is thinking and the dialog is shared, should be italicized. This allows the reader to know the comments were not said aloud.

In the excerpt from your story below, I am not sure if she is thinking aloud or actually speaking aloud. I have included it for your review.

She takes off walking and says to herself, โ€œIโ€™ll search the streets and find the old place, then I'll find where I need to go from there.โ€


The following excerpt it does make it clear that she is thinking, therefore her internal dialog should be in italics.

She kneels down in the garden at the base of the bird bath thinking, โ€œIt has to here. It must.โ€ She starts to dig....


The following external dialog is prefaced by "He thought" indicating internal dialog instead of external dialog. Again, it seems as though you might mean that he stopped to think and then said something aloud. If that is the case, have him scratch his head or gaze off and then say something to the girl.

He thought, โ€œI donโ€™t but here is a nostalgic map. It has old landmarks and pictures of places in the old neighborhood. Take a look and see if you can find anything familiar.โ€


...โ€œHey miss, did find what you were looking for?โ€ The man asked.


If there is a dialog tag and verb (He said, etc.) following a sentence ending with an exclamation or question mark, the tag should be in lowercase, such as the following:

"Where is the park?" the man asked.
      Or
"I can't find it!" she said.

I have found that some low end apps, especially on my phone automatically capitalize after the question mark or exclamation, even if surrounded by quotes. I have to keep a close eye out for that.

    *CheckV* Grammar and Mechanics:

Thank you for reformatting your story. I know that copying and pasting can come with weird results sometimes. I try to check the preview before I post in hopes of catching a majority of them. I know you said that you were still having issues get them formatting the way you want it. Sometimes there are spaces or hard returns in the mix that make a mess of things. If you put your cursor before the word that you want to wrap up to the next line and backspace a few times until it starts wrapping the text that might fix some of the remaining formatting problems. Let me know if you still have problems and we can chat via WdCs messenger and get it straightened out for you.

There are a few grammar items that I have noted above and a few more below that I have listed for your review.

โ€œExcuse me sir, I am looking for the local park. Can you point me in right direction?โ€


The 'excuse me' should be set off with a comma as it is an interjection.

In the girlsโ€™ hand is small tin box


The apostrophe should be before the 's' in 'girls'.

There is a lot out there in the writing world about showing instead of telling. I think a bit of that would tighten up your story and make it stronger. Let the character's actions show us some of the things you are telling us. For instance, consider the excerpts from your story below.

She lived here before and thought the place she needed would be easy to find but times have moved on and so much has changed.


โ€œI used to live here, years ago with my mom and dad.โ€ She said with tears in her voice. โ€œIโ€™m trying to find a local park. Not big but it
was in this area. Itโ€™s not a big deal but that is what Iโ€™m looking for.โ€


In the first excerpt, you have told us about her situation, but in the second excerpt, you let the character tell us, thus it allows the character to tell a bit of the story.

This is an old time neighborhood where everyone knows each other and they tend to meet up at the local coffee shop daily. They talk of old times and new times to come. A few people notice this one girl, looking worried and seeming to be looking for something.


The same applies here as you allow the folks from the coffee shop to observe her and interact with her. So technically you could possibly omit the last line and let your characters impart the info instead of telling us.

Also in the prior excerpt second sentence, there should be a comma after 'dad' instead of a period and 'She' should be lowercase. The use of 'tears in her voice' reads oddly to me. Maybe something to the effect of her voice cracking due to being on the verge of tears or her voice cracking as she bats away a tear, but I am not sure we can have tears in our voice, if you know what I mean.

The comment that she makes that it's not a big deal does not ring true to me. It is a very big deal. I don't understand why she would say something as such. It is not as though lying about her quest has a point. This is just something that jumped out at me when I read through the story on subsequent times.

The couple watched her go and the little lady said, โ€œI hope she finds what she is looking for, she is too pretty to be that upset.โ€


The last of the dialog above made me stop. I thought, "What does that mean? Only ugly people can be upset?" I guess that is an off the wall comment from a character, but it struck me oddly.

And lastly, this is another opportunity to show instead of tell. This would be a great place for it too. It is right at the end of the story. Let the girl speak instead of telling the following:

In the girlsโ€™ hand is small tin box. Years before she and her momma had buried the box in the garden with a small black and white
photo of them both, that her dad had taken, and a locket with pictures of her and one of her mom and dad. She puts the small box
under her mommaโ€™s hands and places a light kiss on the cold forehead.


She could say something to the effect of what you have told: "Look what I found. Remember when we buried this box with our pictures and the locket?", etc, etc.

The use of "the cold forehead" also struck me. Why "the"? Why not "her" forehead? It sounded very detached for such an impassioned quest and delivery.

I hope you found something useful from my review. I think that you have a great story. A few changes will make it a stronger story.

Conclusions

Please feel free to contact me if you have any questions. I would be glad to re-review your story once you have made some updates.

Thank you for sharing your story.

Best wishes,

D


Pic for signature for PDG Reviews



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
17
17
Review of Affection?  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, BBK!

It's been a pleasure to review your story, "Affection?, on behalf of "The Rockin' Reviewers.

I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. I am just another writer, so please use what works for you and discard the rest.


What I liked:

I see that you noted that this story is based on true events, which means, in my opinion, that more of you is invested than the usual piece of our heart that goes along with what we write. I like that you risked more by stating that.

This is a great piece of work by a newcomer to WdC and someone that states she is new to writing. I applaud your efforts and I hope to read more of your writing in the future.

We have chatted a few times in the messenger area and I had taken a look at your profile to remind myself if you were the young lady from India. While I was there I thought I would take a look at your portfolio as I was looking for a newcomer to review for the Paper Doll Gang. I am glad I found your story.

My thoughts:
*CheckV* Plot:

The story is a universal one in this day and age. We meet someone online and in the end, it does not work out. This story chronicles Prerna's encounter with a man she met online named, Saumit. It follows their progression from online, to a face to face meeting, to a leap that Prerna makes from friendship to asking him if there is a chance for more. That step ruins it for them. Her expectations made him uncomfortable and she was embarrassed. It spiraled until it died a sad death.

I can relate to this story in that I met someone online who was great online but a lunatic in person. The difficulty with online things seems to be that they get to hide behind a screen and we don't get to know the real them until we have committed our tender hearts. ::sigh::

I really like how the ending is tied to Saumit and that Prerna would likely not have been where she was without having been introduced to meditation by Saumit. It was a nice way to wrap up the story. Hopefully this part of the story is true and you benefited from this.

*CheckV* Style and Voice:

This story is written in third person and is limited to Prerna's Point of View (POV). I believe this is the best POV as Saumit's thoughts are easily expressed by himself and another POV does not clutter the story by hopping between heads.

The style is easy to read and flows nicely from one period to the next with headings and dates to keep the reader informed of the jumps forward in time. I like the headings: Bonding, Meeting, Agony and Unexpected.

*CheckV* Scene/Setting:

There are a few setting in this story. In Prerna's living space and at the train station. We are not offered much in the way of details for these locations. Let us see where she is sitting while she is tinkering with her phone and chatting with Saumit. Is it with her knees pulled tight to her chest on the couch, her favorite overstuffed chair, or perhaps a window seat? Can she smell the coffee brewing or the strong scent of curry rising from the restaurant she lives above? Is it so noisy that she must close the window or is it so quiet that the silence is screaming in her ears. Does she fiddle with her earring or hair unconsciously while she waits for his replies? Stand there next to her and let us see what floods your senses.

*CheckV* Characters:

There are only two characters in this story, Prerna and Saumit. This keeps the story very intimate and it is not bogged down by unnecessary characters.

Prerna's character develops some confidence only to have it shot down and then she rises up against once more in the end. I like the line "I am alone but no longer lonely..." as it defines the ending perfectly.

Saumit does evolve a bit in this story. He is easy going at first but in the latter part of the story, his tension is evident with his distressed comments.

*CheckV* Dialog:

There is a good amount of dialog between the two characters, Prerna and Saumit and it moves the story along well. There is also quite a bit of internal dialog present. It is well identified by the italics.

There are a few things I noticed, that I would like to bring to your attention.

As she answered his call, Prerna found that her body was shivering with nervous excitement. Her palms had turned cold and sweaty. โ€œHello Prerna! How are you?โ€ A deep voice sounded from the other end of the phone, filled with enthusiasm and warmth. Her apprehensions melted with his casual and friendly demeanor.


I believe that Saumit's dialog should begin a new paragraph. It just seemed odd with the beginning of the paragraph being all about her and then he starts speaking.

โ€œI can see you... Turn around... I am right there!โ€ Saumit mentioned over the phone with his usual enthusiasm.


There is a lot of discussion out there about the use of what verb after a dialog tag. Most say that "said" and "asked" allow the dialog to continue without being intrusive to the suspension of reality that we are working to maintain. With that said, the excerpt from above uses "mentioned" which really should be "said" as "mentioned" feels like something said offhanded, but this is something he must communicate to her.

It the same sentenced quoted about, he says "....I am right there!" I am not sure if this is a typo or if it is a difference in speech. I would have said "I am right here" to refer to where I am.

She had โ€œlikedโ€ his profile purely because of her vibe.


Here "her vibe" would be the feeling she is giving out, not that she is receiving, therefore I would have anticipated it to be that she liked his profile due to the vibe she felt from him or got from him.

*CheckV* Grammar and Mechanics:

There are a lot of instances of exclamation marks. They should be used rarely as overuse lessens their impact. For example, one paragraph contains four of them.

There are a lot of ellipses used for what I believe are pauses. Like the exclamation, they can be distracting. There are ten in just two paragraphs. That is a lot of pausing. You might want to take a look at this. It may help to read the text aloud and see if there are really that many pauses and if there is a better way to communicate the hesitance. I used the Find function (Ctrl-F) to find the instances and there were a lot that I had overlooked.

I believe there was a sentence that is a question that is ended with a period, but I cannot locate it again.

Conclusions

Overall, I find this story to be well written and constructed, with only a few issues to be reviewed. That is very good for a beginning writer. It feels as though you took your time and ensured you were satisfied before you risked your heart once again by posting your story for all of us to read and critique.

Please feel free to contact me if you have any questions about this review or in general.

I am looking forward to reading more of your writing in the future.

Thank you for sharing your story.

Best wishes,

D


Pic for signature for PDG Reviews


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
18
18
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (2.0)
Hello, Redlive122!

It's been a pleasure to review your story, "Sora the Flying Dragon., on behalf of "The Rockin' Reviewers.

Thank you for the review request and the gift points. That was the first time I have received one of those. I will have to keep it in mind for use in the future.

I enjoyed reading your story and hope you find this feedback useful. I am just another writer, so please use what works for you and discard the rest.


What I liked:

This is a cute story about a little girl and her flying dragon. I think a child would enjoy this story as it is simple and likely something they can relate to. I would have loved to have had a flying dragon. No, let me rephrase that. I would LOVE TO HAVE a flying dragon. (O:

My thoughts:
*CheckV* Plot:

As noted above, the story is simple. It involves a little girl, named Stella, that is awakened by a noisy dragon. She is angry with the dragon, Sora. Who wouldn't be if a dragon roared and woke you from a restful sleep? She returns to bed and dreams of flying. I had a good friend that always dreamt that she could fly. Not me. I run. Flying would be great. I am sure every little one would like to fly on the back of a dragon.

Sora takes Stella for a spin around the city and then leaves her to return home or wherever his brothers are located. I like the fact that the end surrounds the dragon leaving Stella, but at least the leaving is to return to his brothers.

I do have a few questions. If Stella can understand Sora, why doesn't he just tell her he has to go home or to help his brothers? (I see another story) The notation of the brother's roar at the end feels forced and unnecessary (if she can understand Sora).

Her parents don't move the story forward and their involvement is minor. The mom's comment about breakfast is not even responded to and could be omitted via a statement as, "After breakfast, Stella..." instead. I found it odd that her parents were playing with her in the yard before school, when most families are rushed before school.

*CheckV* Style and Voice:

The style is a fairly easy read. I am not an authority on children's book so I cannot say what age this would apply to.

There are some big words that might be troublesome such as whimpered, dull, autumn, prepared, understand, yesterday, bellowed, etc. It all depends on your intended age group. Just something to think about.

*CheckV* Scene/Setting:

The setting is Stella's backyard, in her house and her city that they fly over. This keeps the story contained and makes it easier for a youngster to keep up with, I believe. Just referring to school was a good plan rather than having her go there. On second thought (later in the review), why is school even in there? It doesn't advance the story and brings up a point that her parents would be looking for her while she is flying around the city, so running inside and going to sleep in the end may not work. Or am I just overthinking a children's book?


*CheckV* Characters:

There are only a few characters in this story which I think is best for a children's book. The least amount of characters the better, I imagine. Stella, Sora, the dragon, and her parents round out the list. As noted in the plot section above, I am not sure the parents are integral to the story.

*CheckV* Dialog:

There is a bit of dialog which seems adequate for the story. It moves things along with Stella verbalizing to the dragon and his answering in roars.

I found a few formatting things for you to look at.

There are a few instances in which, following an exclamation point or question mark, the dialog tag and verb is capitalized. Some low end apps like on my phone, erroneously capitalize the next word. It does not occur on the laptop as far as I have noticed, but I do try to keep an eye out for it. Here is one example.

"Stop it, I was sleeping!" She shouted at the dragon in her backyard.


'She' should be lowercase and since you said 'shouted' you could drop the exclamation.

*CheckV* Grammar and Mechanics:

I noticed that there are about ten exclamation marks in this short story. The use of this piece of punctuation should be limited to rare as its overuse lessens its impact.

"ROAR!" The beast roared, the sound so loud it must have woke up everyone in the city!


'Roar' is used twice in four words. Since he has already roared, and if you keep the exclamation, you may want to say something like: The beast was so loud he must have awakened everyone in the city.

There are a few more instances of the double roar reference throughout.

Stella woke up with, startled, scared by the sound. She remembered what the sound was, it was Sora. Stella jumped out of bed and went to the window, angry. "Stop it, I was sleeping!" She shouted at the dragon in her backyard.


The three underlined words do not make any sense to me.

Given this is a children's story, should she be angry because someone disturbed her sleep? Maybe happy to see her friend but annoyed? Just something that occurred to me when I read she was angry.

The dragon spun around in a circle and roared as if it were happy.


Why isn't the dragon just happily spinning or dancing around instead of 'as if it were happy'?

There are several instances of what appear to be run on sentences throughout your story. I have listed a few below.

She woke up, feeling happy, she had a dream about flying.


For hours and hours the dragon was flying, until he finally landed back at the house, Stella jumped off the dragon and hugged him as hard as she can. Sora started flying again, Stella waved goodbye and went inside the house, she went straight to bed, and slept, trying not to cry. Sora was happy, the dragon heard a call from his brothers the night he woke Stella up, now he's probably with his brothers, in a land far away.


"Sora!" Stella ran through the yard and hugged the dragon, Sora. Sora was red, with dull spikes on its back and two sharp horns on its head. The dragon was the size of a school bus. Sora was with Stella for as long as she can remember, they were best friends of sorts. But no one was able to see the dragon, and the dragon never let Stella ride it, she always wanted to fly.


If Sora it's the size of a bus, does Stella just hug his leg? Does she have to climb up from her tail? How can she get her arms around his neck? At first, I thought the creature was small like the picture, until the comment about the size.

Why are they only friends of sorts? Will a child understand that? It sounds like they are not really friends when it is said that way.

Why won't Sora let Stella fly with her? Why the big change of heart suddenly? That was something that bothered me when I read the story.

"It's ok, when I come back we can play all day!" She says, smiling at Sora. "You know, I had a dream yesterday. I was flying!"


There is a change of tense here as well as needing a lowercase "she" and "said".

I am unsure why there are italics in the latter half of the story on the 'he', 'his' and 'him' words.

Conclusions

I really do like this story. It's cute. I can see it in my head in a little book with pictures to accompany the text. With some editing I think it will be a stronger story.

If you would like me to re-review this once you have made some corrections, please let me know. And no gift points are required as you were already quite generous.

Please let me know if you have any questions about this review.

I did ask SM if he had a copy of the preview in his logs and he did not. I definitely learned my lesson. And I disabled that blasted power button.

Thank you for sharing your story.

Best wishes,

D


Pic for signature for PDG Reviews
19
19
Review of Cyberia - chpt. 1  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
Hello, Vincent Rayne!

It's been a pleasure to review your story, "Cyberia - chpt. 1, on behalf of "The Rockin' Reviewers.

I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. I am just another writer, so please use what works for you and discard the rest.


What I liked:

I was interested in what was going to happen next and how the woman, Cassandra, noted in the description, plays a part in the story. Who is this woman in the image attached to this story, I wondered.

I liked that the story has sci-fi components. By tossing in the "ghosting a cyborg or android body" comment, I was eager to learn more. I must assume that some of these elements are in the next chapters, which is a nice way to pull the reader to turn the page.

Below I have listed some things and addressed some areas for improvement that I think would help make your story even stronger.

My thoughts:

*CheckV* Plot:

Given I have only read this first chapter, this review will be limited to that scope.

The story starts off as some kind of a transaction gone bad, which is a good hook for the rest of the story as I was curious to find out what was up next for these men.

The story is interesting to me as I like crime dramas and this feels like a really good start for such a story. I want to go read the other chapters after I am finished with reviewing Chapter 1.



I am curious, if they know the van is bulletproof, why are they shooting at it? Plus, let us see that the bullets made no impact. That would be more showing than telling. Or have him yell at them for shooting at a bulletproof van. Also, in the beginning you wrote about an armored car would not be safe, but this van just drove off. Instead of shooting at it, shouldn't someone have tried to follow it? Just some things to think about.

*CheckV* Style and Voice:

The piece is written in third person omniscient. Third person feels appropriate for this story thus far as we get to interact with thoughts of various characters.

The style is easy to read and flows as though I were watching an episode of "Law and Order."

*CheckV* Scene/Setting:

The story takes place in a parking garage. I did not feel like I had a good idea of what the surroundings looked like. I could only pull from my own experience of what being there might be like. I know they are on the top level, but I was confused about the lights going off as I assumed it was an open roof. I suppose the lights could have been on poles on a very dark night or area. It would help the reader experience your story more if you added more sensory items. Stand there next to the characters as an observer and tell us what you experience, see, smell, hear, etc.

What does it smell like? Oil and gas from the cars? Urine from the homeless that pee in the corners or the stairwells? Is it poorly lit or terribly bright? Is there a buzzing light hanging over one of the van's that flickers that is irritating everyone? Does the boss keep smoothing out his suit jacket, content with feeling the fine silk finish? Does a burp of acid come up the throat of the guy that just lost the money or the goods?

*CheckV* Characters:

There are several characters in this first chapter but I had a difficult time determining who is talking to whom. For example, here is an excerpt from your story:

โ€œAre you sure this is a good idea? What if they take our money and kill us?โ€ A man asked his boss.

โ€œI donโ€™t think they would be that stupid. Whatโ€™s the point of doing this whole transaction if he was killed? If I die, he dies. There are safety precautions to make sure heโ€™s not ghosting a cyborg or android body.โ€ The leader answered calmly. He stood in the middle of a parking garage on the top floor waiting for his merchandise to show up. There was a lot on the line. But nothing worth killing each other here and now over. It was a mid term investment and if things worked out then he would be a very rich man and put his organization towards the top. But first he needed his product.

Just as the man looked at his watch he could hear a vehicle approaching, making its way up the floor levels. He looked around to make sure all of his people were in position. Not even an armored car would be safe if the people he was meeting with decided to go back on their deal or play rotten.

A sleek black car pulled up a good little distance and stopped. A tall bald man in a good looking suit stepped out of the car and turned the vehicle off. Several others followed him in exiting the car; all carrying automatic rifles. The bald man smiled as he approached his business partner.


The first paragraph only identifies the character as "a man". Telling us more about him would help the story. Is he security? Is he a nervous accountant that was made to attend since he verbalized his worry about being killed and robbed?

In the second paragraph, the boss could respond to him by name making it easier to keep up with all of the men and the "he's" in your story. Or if the character does not play a large part, go the other way and let that character introduce the boss.

"Sammy, are you sure this is a good idea? What if ...." or more formally "Mr. Feinberg, are you sure...."

"Bill, I don't think they would be that stupid....."

The third paragraph starts with "the man" and I am not sure if that is the boss or the first guy. It could be either, if the first guy is security and is the worry wart. Or it could be the boss, I am not sure.

In the last paragraph above, the bald man approached his business partner. I don't know if the one he approaches is the boss / leader or one of the many that exited the car. Who is Mr. M? Where did he come from? We were not introduced to anyone with a suitcase / briefcase attached to him.

There are more areas such as this that could use some attention and once tightened up, it would carry the reader through your story much better.

*CheckV* Dialog:

There is a lot of dialog in this chapter and I think it propels the story forward well. Sometimes there is not enough dialog and I find myself skipping over paragraphs of descriptions to get to the meat of the story. That was not the case here.

The dialog seems a little mechanical in areas. For example, "What is the meaning of this?" felt like it would occur at a boardroom table, not a garage where someone just lost something important in a robbery. Should he have sworn? Yelled? "What the hell?" "You will pay for this..." Let us see his outrage, instead of telling us he is outraged.

In the same example from above, there are some dialog formatting issues. When I write using my phone, some low end apps tend to capitalize after a question mark in quotations. It does not occur on my laptop so I have to be mindful of the auto-capitalization.

โ€œAre you sure this is a good idea? What if they take our money and kill us?โ€ A man asked his boss.


The "A" should be lower case after the ending quote.

โ€œ..... are safety precautions to make sure heโ€™s not ghosting a cyborg or android body.โ€ The leader answered calmly.


In this sentence, there should be a comma after body and a lower case 'the'. It would read ".... or android body," the leader answered calmly.

โ€œI trust you have the money, Mr. M?โ€ Mr. M held up a suitcase with handcuffs attached to him and it.


In the sentence above, I do not know which character is speaking. There should usually be a dialog tag and a verb of the action (said, asked, etc) following so the reader is aware of the speaker. You can skip them if it is two people speaking back and forth with no other text and there is no confusion about the identity of the speakers. Some writers will skip the tag and verb and start a new sentence which identifies the speaker, such as "I trust you have the money, Mr. M?" Sammy eyed the briefcase attached to Mr. M's scrawny arm.

The second sentence above should be its own paragraph as the dialog belongs to a different person. I noticed that this occurs throughout the story.

If you have any questions about what I have written, please feel free to contact me. I will be happy to assist you in any way I can.

*CheckV* Grammar and Mechanics:

There are some grammar issues that need to be address, some of which I have stated above.

In the second paragraph, you have two sentences that start with the conjunction 'But'. While it is not incorrect, to start a sentence with a conjunction, you may want to look at it because of the repetition.

In that same paragraph, there are some sentences that sound odd to me. For example, consider the following:

But nothing worth killing each other here and now over. It was a mid term investment and if things worked out then he would be a very rich man and put his organization towards the top. But first he needed his product.


If I read those few sentences aloud, the "here and now over" sounds clunky. I try to read what I write aloud as the spoken word can alert you to areas that need to be addressed. Then there are two 'and's' in the next sentence. And then the second 'but' sentence.

There are some commas missing throughout the story. Here are a few examples for your consideration.

As soon as the crate was loaded and the doors to the van were closed the lights in the parking garage shut off. Shortly after the van holding the crate sped off. People from both parties opened fire on the van but of course it was bullet proof.


There should be a comma after 'closed' in the first sentence. I am not sure if you mean "Shortly thereafter, the van holding the crate sped off." or if this is just an incomplete sentence or it is meant to be attached to the following sentence.

Conclusions

This is a great story. I did go and read the other two chapters, by the way, as I was curious about what was in that case. You are off to a great start. Once there are some corrections made, as I stated before, you will have a much stronger story to build from. I hope that you continue writing this story. I will be eager to read the coming chapters.

Please don't feel discouraged by the length of this review. The suggestions are to improve the piece and your writing in general. I like getting reviews to let me know where I need to improve. It is all a part of our writing life.

If you would like me to re-review your story after you have made changes, let me know.

And as I noted previously, please feel free to contact me if you have any questions about this review.

Thank you for sharing your story.

Best wishes,

D


PS. I just thought about something. If the robot sees the first person and gets bonded to them, how come the goons were able to check the goods in the parking lot? Maybe the seller had to punch a code into the case?

Pic for signature for PDG Reviews


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
20
20
Review of Eventually  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello, SoHoHoHophy

It's been a pleasure to review your poem, "Eventually, on behalf of "The Rockin' Reviewers.

I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. I am just another writer, so please use what works for you and discard the rest.


What I liked

A man I knew, but not very well, passed away in a car accident yesterday. It was his birthday. It has been on my mind a lot in the last hours since I received the call telling me about his death. Then in my attempt to distract myself, I chose to work on a few reviews, which is how I encountered your poem via the Read and Review. The parallels are at opposite ends of the spectrum here, but the poem touched me, therefore I chose to review it, a bit for me and a bit for you.

My thoughts

*CheckV* Overall Impression/Emotional Impact:

Eventually is one of those poems, those of us that have experienced a significant loss, can certainly relate to. It speaks of the sharp edges of the pain that make it difficult to handle with only time capable of dulling the pain. Everyone tells us that it will get easier with time, but I believe the pain is the same, we just learn to manage it better.

I think you did a fine job with expressing your pain and I hope that in the 15 years since this was written, that the pain is manageable and that you can look back fondly on the good memories, as you stated. If not, I am sorry if this review has dredged up tender emotions. )O:

*CheckV* Form, Format, Rhyme and Meter (as applicable):

The piece appears to be written in free verse format without rhyme, but I am certainly no authority on poetry. Regardless of the format, I like this one as it does not seem to restrict your message.

I like the repetitive nature of the poem, despite some folks' comments to the contrary. I think it makes the piece feel familiar, like an old blanket.

There is one repetitive line that seems a bit off to me because of all the first line repetition and then this one right in the middle. The first and third stanzas both contain "each time I think of you".

*CheckV* Artistic Voice and Imagery:

What stands out to me is the "gut punch". I can see the grasping of the body and feel the punch myself. I can also imagine the guilt receding. That is a powerful image as well.

The first person voice is perfect for this piece. This allows the reader the most intimate perspective, as though it were their words, their experience.

*CheckV* Grammar, Spelling and Mechanics:

I found no issues with the grammar or spelling.

Conclusions

Overall, I think this is a beautiful tribute to the loss of someone close and the growth of acceptance of that loss. It speaks a language most can relate to and easily conveys the message.

Thank you for sharing your poem.

Best wishes,

D


Pic for signature for PDG Reviews


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
21
21
Review of Annie  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (1.0)
Hello, carlton607

It's been a pleasure to review your story, "Annie , on behalf of "The Rockin' Reviewers

I hope you find this feedback useful. I am just another writer, so please use what works for you and discard the rest.


What I liked:

I was definitely interested in what was going to happen in this unique story. I could feel a great deal of tension while reading your story. I felt for both Annie and her dog, Buster.

My thoughts:

*CheckV* Plot:

This short story tells of a frail woman, Annie and her frightening experience during a storm. Her dog, Buster, is a comfort for her during this traumatic time. The story is of sufficient length to support this storyline.

*CheckV* Style/Voice:

I noticed there were a lot of flashbacks to the past in your story. Where sometimes these can be useful literary devices, I found them to be very distracting. I would pause and wonder why knitting socks or Buster's youth was included and how it advanced the story.

There are several similes that may need your attention. One makes reference to Annie being petrified which is applicable, but the simile refers to the petrified state of wood instead of her fear. Other references include such things as hearing a flash of thunder instead of hearing a crash of thunder and seeing a flash of lightning.

I would also like to suggest reading your story aloud. That seems to help me with making sure the words I use sound natural. Sometimes I will read right past a mistake but if I verbalize it, I will usually catch it or find the words I have omitted. For example, consider the following excerpt from your story:


Annie was frail. But she screamed out loud in that dark and storm. She was not that old and her hair was blonde turning brown and her waste was small. Annie worried about something. Her dog barked. Then suddenly her room was brightened by clashes of lightening that bit into her sole in a way that deeply gnawed at her and sobbed wailingly, the teardrops moistening her rosy cheeks and she worried about that time from long ago when it had happened.


"...in that dark and storm," appears to be missing a "y" on "storm" and perhaps "night" following "stormy", for "...in that dark and stormy night."

The word "waste" should be "waist", "clashes" should be "flashes" and "sole" should be "soul".

The last sentence in the above quote is a run on sentence with multiple thoughts going on. It would be best to break this sentence up into two sentences, or at least dispense with the flashback.

There are several more instances of these types of issues throughout your story.

*CheckV* Scene/Setting:

The story takes place in Annie's bedroom and primarily with her on her bed. This is a very intimate setting and it allow the reader to focus on Annie and her plight. Having the dog wander off and sleep in the hallway was perfect. It made me feel like Annie felt abandoned in her time of need by having the dog just out of reach.

*CheckV* Characters:

There are two characters in this story. The main character, Annie, and her dog, Buster. We are offered an in-depth view of this woman's fear and ultimately her death.

*CheckV* Dialog:

There is limited dialog in the story which is perfect. There is only Annie and her dog, therefore there is not a lot of conversation required.

The first paragraph contains an outburst from Annie. It reads as follows:

It was a stormy and dark night and Annie screamed out loud. "Why?" screamed Annie?


The use of repetitive words should be limited, especially in the same paragraph. The "Why?" could have been included at the end of the sentence, such as follows:

It was a stormy and dark night and Annie screamed out, "Why?"

The question mark at the end of the sentence is not necessary as you included the question mark properly after the word "Why".

*CheckV* Grammar and Mechanics:

There are several other grammar issues aside from those noted above. An comprehensive edit should catch a good percentage of these issues and please don't hesitate to contact me if you have any questions this review.

Conclusions

This piece does need some work and I feel that it would be a stronger story once some of the issues I have noted have been addressed. Since this was written several years ago, it is a good time to dust it off and revisit it as time does give us some distance.

I noticed that you have had quite a few reviews on this piece. It might be useful to see if there are common points, such as the issue of the flashbacks, brought up in other reviews and tackle the most common issues.

Please don't feel discouraged by the length of this review. The suggestions are to improve the piece and your writing in general.

If you would like me to re-review your story after you have made changes, let me know.

And as I noted previously, please feel free to contact me if you have any questions about this review.

Thank you for sharing your story.

Best wishes, D



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
22
22
Rated: E | (2.0)
Twin Nightmare,

It's been a pleasure to review your story, "The Mafia's New Bride, on behalf of "The Rockin' Reviewers

I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. I am just another writer, so please use what works for you and discard the rest.


What I liked:

I like that you are a young writer and you are putting your work out for review. That is great as you will have a lot of time to experiment and learn along the way.

I liked your story a lot. I was interested in what went on both before Chapter 3 and after.

My thoughts:

*CheckV* Plot:

Given I am coming in on Chapter 3, I am limited to only this portion of the story. From that perspective, the story surrounds Carlos and his friends in high school. It appears that the main character is the son of a mafia boss. He has his eye on Genvieve and wants to make her his wife.

I am not sure if Genvieve is misspelled or if you intended for that spelling, but typically Genevieve has another "e" as noted.

*CheckV* Style and Voice:

The story comes across as a good young adult novel. It does not feel forced or artificial.

*CheckV* Scene/Setting:

Chapter 3 takes place in a high school setting. This piece would be much stronger if the reader were provided with more information. For example, the first scene is as follows:

โ€œWhy you so caught up with that girl boss?โ€ Kyle asked.
โ€œSheโ€™s everything Iโ€™ve ever wanted. And sheโ€™ll be the next Mrs. Alejandro if I have anything to do with it.โ€ I replied.
Chandler looked at me just like he has every time I talk about making Genvieve my wife. Iโ€™ve notice Genvieve for years now I know when she missed class and when she was thinking of something else. I know that she knows about my reputation but I did that just to get her attention. I need her to understand but Iโ€™m not going to force her into anything major. She has a choice of when we get married and have kids but everything else is my decision and when she understands that weโ€™ll be fine.
โ€œKyle I need you to call the moving company and move all her things to my house, Chandler you get Gen a gift that will knock her socks off, Jalen buy her some new clothes and jewels. I want her to have the best.โ€
I walked into my next class and sat next to Gen.


The reader needs to see, feel, taste, smell and hear what is going on with these characters. All we are given here is Carlos' words and his walking to class.

Imagine yourself in Carlos' shoes. Would you be leaning against the locker? With one leg bent and your foot against the locker door? Would you be holding court on the front steps of the school or the steps inside the school? Or smoking in the back parking lot? Or are they in a sweaty gym locker room after basketball? Is Carlos looking down the hall for Gen over the shoulder of Kyle? What does Carlos look like? How is he dressed? What about his friends? Are their bangs in their eyes or are they clean cut? How do they dress? Is the hallway loud? Are the lockers defaced or smell of fresh green paint?

*CheckV* Characters:

Carlos is the main character and protagonist in this chapter. It appears that Gen is the antagonist.

There are three boys that appear as sidekicks but they are mostly invisible. Kyle has spoken once but we have no idea what he looks like or who he is. Is he a brother of Carlos, Gen, or just a friend? Chandler and Jalen are spoken to but are not introduced. We need to see these folks. Is Chandler agreeable to Carlos' instructions or irritated at being told to call a moving company?

Jalen is also an unknown entity. Does he complain that he always has the hard jobs, like shopping for a girl, rather than just making a call to a moving company? Do they have credit cards in Carlos' name or does Carlos slap a big wad of bills in their hands?

*CheckV* Dialog:

The dialog could use some improvement as most of the conversation exists almost as talking heads. We don't get any additional information other than the words they have spoken to each other. Let's take a look at a portion of your dialog.

โ€œGo away.โ€
โ€œWhy?โ€
โ€œBecause I donโ€™t want you sitting next to me.โ€
โ€œAww is that how you treat your future husband?โ€
โ€œYes because I didnโ€™t want him to begin with.โ€
I grabbed her roughly and pulled her on my lap.
โ€œGen I donโ€™t care if you donโ€™t want me, youโ€™re my wife and thatโ€™s final. By the end of the day youโ€™ll be in my house and I want dinner on the table.โ€ I hissed in her ear.
I went to slip my card in her pocket when I felt a bill in there. I held in front of her face in a questioning way.
โ€œWhatโ€™s this?โ€
โ€œNothing.โ€
โ€œDonโ€™t lie to me.โ€
โ€œMy dinner now give it back and what do you mean by the end of the day Iโ€™ll be in your house?โ€
โ€œI mean that youโ€™re moving in with me.โ€
โ€œNo way in hell.โ€


There needs to be additional information to go along with the dialog. The above exchange again needs you to imagine being right there and then convey what goes on.

Does Gen turn her back to Carlos and roll her eyes at the girlfriends while he is talking?
Does Carlos pout or get mad when she says go away? We have no clues to know what is going on.
Is Gen still talking to Carlos with her back to him?
How does Carlos grab her roughly and drag her into his lap? Are they sitting in chairs or in desks or chairs with desks combo units?

I don't understand why he would slip a card in her pocket. What kind of card? A business card? A shirt pocket? A back pants pocket? Why would a high school kid want dinner on the table? If he is a mob boss' kid, don't they have a cook, a maid, a servant for that?
What is the "bill" in her pocket? How is it her dinner?

There are some dialog tags missing. Using the same example from above, the first line: "Go away." We have no idea who said this. We can guess, but as noted above, more information would show us what is going on.

"Go away," said Genevieve. She turned her back to Carlos and rolled her eyes for her two friends, Cindy and Marge, that were sitting nearby and watching.

"Why?" asked Carlos. He frowned and put his hand on her shoulder.

"Because I don't want you sitting next to me." Genevieve made another face for her girlfriends and jerked her shoulder out from under Carlos' hand.

"Awe. Is that how you treat your future husband?โ€ asked Carlos as he touched her brown (green, yellow, or whatever color) hair.

โ€œYes, because I didnโ€™t want him to begin with," said Genevieve. She grabbed her hair and pulled it over her shoulder to keep Carlos from touching it.

She stood up and I grabbed her roughly and pulled her onto my lap.

This addition allows us to see what is going on and gives us clues into what the characters are thinking by their actions.

*CheckV* Grammar and Mechanics:

As noted above, there are some dialog issues. The readability of the dialog improves if there are breaks between each character speaking as shown above.

There are other grammar issues, such as setting off a name or reference with commas, such as: โ€œWhy you so caught up with that girl boss?โ€ Kyle asked. In this example, there should be a comma between girl and boss.

There are several other comma errors throughout the piece.

Conclusions

Overall, this story has a lot of potential. It will improve greatly with some edits and additions. I hope to find the prior and subsequent chapters in your port.

Don't feel discouraged by the length of this review. The suggestions are to improve the piece and your writing in general.

If you would like me to re-review your story after you have made changes, let me know.

Please feel free to contact me if you have any questions about this review.

Thank you for sharing your story.

Best wishes, D

23
23
Review of Society's Blight  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Mrs. B,

Thank you again for sharing your poem.

I know a lot is going on in your life and this is a good way to express yourself and vent.

I like the poem, although I am not certain that you are a blight on society.

I do have one suggestion. In the 2nd to the last stanza, the last line should probably read "too much taken away already...." I am not sure about the last part of that line. "...no way to get back" meaning no way for you to get back or to get "it" back? "..no way to get it back"? Your call.

I hope that everything settles down soon so you can move on and try to be content.

Best wishes,

D
24
24
Review of Snow Dance  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Mrs. B,

Thanks for sharing.

I really like the imagery you have put forth here. It makes me cold even.

I have a few suggestions.

    The fire crackles and pops,
    it's flames dancing in the shadows
    as I curl up in my warm bed.

"it's" should be "its" for the possessive version. As it now, it says "it is".

The "waltz" being and the end and the beginning is bothersome to me for some reason. Maybe a storm of butterflies, or something showing the chaos of the snowflakes rather than the repetition.

Ok, I keep falling asleep at the keyboard, so I am going to go so I will stop pressing a key for 200 characters. Oops.

Thanks again for sharing.

D

25
25
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello,

I found your piece in the Read and Review area. I enjoyed it and thought that I would offer a review.

I am not an expert by any means. I am just another writer. Please use what you can of this review and discard the rest.

What I liked:
The story captured my attention right from the beginning through to the end.

Things I noticed:
The first thing is that it was hard for me to keep track of the people entering the cave. Might just be me, but I thought I would mention it.

The next thing is the copper metal ball, with the diameter of several feet. You might want to rethink the stated size, as three feet is quite large if people must squeeze through.

Overall impression:
I liked it a lot. I am eager to read more. Is there more?

Thank you for sharing your story.

Best wishes,

D
43 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 2 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/meduf