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164 Public Reviews Given
168 Total Reviews Given
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Review by Megabob
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
A fun yarn, and your title is no small part of it! Nice job of setting the scene and then concealing where this was going until you revealed their ages.

Will he get away with it? Well, presumably the autopsy will reveal plenty of alcohol in her blood, so you have all the makings of a standard pool accident.

I wouldn't be surprised if this wins today's contest!

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Review by Megabob
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I enjoyed this very much! The humor provided a doorway I was happy to traverse into the story, with the yo-yo and pizza imagery. And, of course, those images did a nice job of concealing where this story was going.

Fun twist at the end, although I'll confess I'm not entirely certain about some of the details behind what's going on. Clearly, they're off to another planet, one the guy is either from or is familiar with. I assume the narrator is an earthling, and that she's either transmuted by the powder into a Hythlogronite or she's been converted to a form that will enable her to survive the trip, after which she'll be transformed back to an earthling for her new life. I guess the former makes more sense.

Thanks for a fun read!

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Review by Megabob
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
If I'm interpreting your plot correctly, your twist here, and it's a fun one, is that the person the narrator assumed was a guy all these years is actually a girl. With your choice of words and phrases here (the fake smile, etc.), you do a great job of conveying the narrator's continuing annoyance with Jason, which makes what finally happens logical and believable.

At first I thought the other kid's name was Jason, which would have fit the story line, since Jason could be a girl's name. But the last sentence suggests something else, that the narrator had simply been mistaken about the kid's name all along. If that's true, I was left wondering why "Jason" wouldn't have said something to her about it at some point during the five years they've been acquainted. In any case, I was left a little confused about what's going on here.

I love how you kept the story moving right along with the dialogue and tone, a really enjoyable read.

As it happens, I wrote something a little like this a few years ago. I called it "Out," and here it is, from my Writing.com portfolio, in case you'd like to take a peek:


I wanted to keep playing. Jeez, I was two for three at the plate already, blocked about a million wild pitches from that crazy Kulisek, who shouldn’t even be allowed on the mound, he’s going to kill somebody, I swear. But my mom said to be home by three, write the thank-you note to my grandmother, it’s so overdue it’s embarrassing, blah blah blah. Don’t you get a year or something? I heard my mom and dad say once that you get a year for wedding presents. Why not the same for birthdays?

I nail some idiot at the plate to end the inning. Trying to score from third when he thought one of Kulisek’s fancy curve balls was heading for Mars. Sorry, pal. Holding the ball, I plant my bare hand on his trunk as he starts to slide under me. Close, but out. Out, out, out.

“I’ve gotta go,” I tell Kulisek as we head off the field.

“What’re you talkin’ about? Go where?”

“My mom wants me home by three.”

Kulisek is pissed. “You can’t go. Last inning, down by a run, you’re up third. You’re hot. We get somebody on ahead of you and you poke one out, we win. You gotta stay.” Kulisek is so mad his face is on fire. Who cares? He’s always mad. That’s why I never hit against him. He’d probably kill me.

I pull off my catcher’s mask, dump it with the mitts and bats in the dust by the bench. “I’ve gotta go,” I tell everyone.

“’Whaddya have to catch up on your beauty sleep?” sneers Kulisek. What a jerk.

“I’m outta here,” I tell him.

As I leave, I hear Kulisek say, “Forget it. Somebody else can catch.”

I hear Freck say, “Not like she can.”
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Review by Megabob
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Great job, especially considering this is your first flash fiction! Making the story mostly dialogue, of course, helps you maintain the pulse-pounding pace, but the challenge when you do that is to give the reader a complete-enough sense of plot and setting -- of what the heck's going on and where all this is happening. You do a great job of conveying that within your 300-word budget by using the "show-don't-tell technique.

Hope you do more of this!
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Review by Megabob
Rated: E | (4.0)
Yep, and next up, they'll be painting the fence outside the office building. I think most of us have known someone like the happily clapping Sadie, especially at work, so it was easy to identify with this story. A fun read!
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Review by Megabob
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Oh, a great surprise at the end of this one -- double suicide! You do a great job of setting the scene here, and especially of so cleverly and so quickly conveying what's at stake, in the second sentence. Almost immediately, then, we're on edge, which, of course, makes the story instantly compelling.

I love how you plunge us so completely into the world of inter-stellar space, building that world in the reader's mind with objects (the Atmosphere Evacuation button, the airlock, and the hibernation chamber) and with the quick glimpse into Jason's state of mind (regarding oblivion as freedom).

No chance Scotty is going to be beaming Jason up to safety here, and unlike HAL 9000 in Arthur C. Clarke's Space Odyssey, this is no triumph for Vicky. Nonetheless, a thoroughly enjoyable story!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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Review of Taking Shelter  
Review by Megabob
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Very strong and effective use of language here, with evocative figurative language and vivid descriptions. The reader is drawn with deft skill into a growing realization of what's going on, to the truth about the narrator's circumstances. You invite your readers in here, permitting us to come to this apprehension gradually, a technique that is what really powers this story, at least for me.

The force that pulls the readers to the end of the story is really irresistible. We can see what's coming, the decision the narrator will face about the umbrella, and we wonder what he's going to do, at least I did. It was hard to resist jumping ahead to the end, to see what he ends up doing.

Great skill at work here. Thank you for a powerful story!



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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Review by Megabob
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
For me, the tone of this story is the most delicious ingredient in a delectable stew. Word strings bursting with verbs but devoid of subjects sound just like someone too hung over or exhausted from late-night revels to speak in complete sentences. The rollicking use of parenthetical phrases is really funny, right in line with the tone of the narrative. And the ending is spot on, a delightful surprise. In retrospect, could this character, this story, end up any other way?

I'm not sure I could keep up with FiFi Jo, but it would certainly be fun to try. Thanks for a good time!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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Review by Megabob
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a wonderfully crafted story, full of skillfully placed descriptions and vivid imagery. The sentence variety is also a big plus here. You clearly know what you're doing with sentence fragments, using them effectively. The details about the artwork give the story impressive depth within the strictures of the word budget. And I absolutely love the ending -- I was wondering where you were going with this, was thinking about the challenge of hitting us with something to raise our eyebrows as you were running out of words. And with the last four words, you nailed it.

I seldom give a story a rating of 5, but this one deserves it!

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Review of Busted  
Review by Megabob
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This one is great fun! Terrific trip into the story, carried along by the imagery. You've paid a great deal of attention to the details, making sure that everything in the first part of the story is accounted for in the reality of the ending -- no loose ends. And the inclusion of the riotous name of the horse, Puddles, just before the twist, is just masterful. As a reader, I was not quite sure why this hard-bitten bank robber would give his horse a name like that, but I was too close to the end, and too eager to get there, to think about it much.

Wonderful skill at work in this story!

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Review of The Lawman  
Review by Megabob
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
For this reader, effective use of language and dialogue is everything in this one. The setting could actually be anything, from contemporary (suggested by the name of the hotel) to Old West (suggested by the term "lawman" and the bad guy's straight razor and his fear of hanging). But the important thing is that the reader conjures specific images arising from the language, including effective use of metaphor (I especially liked, "Anger boiled at the edge of his voice...." and "The words hung in the air like a heavy cloud of smoke, settling over them both."

Thanks for a good yarn!

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Review by Megabob
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I like this story a lot. You clearly have a nice facility with language, sprinkling your narrative with vivid details, especially of the scene at the warehouse-district club.

I was ready for the menace to carry through the ending, and was a little disappointed at the thought it might be just another vampire yarn. So I was delighted with the twist at the end, ended up with a big smile stretched across my face.

Bravo!

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Review by Megabob
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I like this story very much. It certainly pulls you along, or down, with the force of its narrative. The verbs, like "somersaulted," and adjective-noun combinations, like "killing strike," create vivid images. This is true even when the specific additional images are left to the reader to conjure (such as exactly what a killing strike is). The author understands that asking the reader to supply some of those details is part of the writer-reader connection.

I also liked the delineation of the two languages, with the use of the term "Common." It isn't necessary to even know what that language is, since the central point (to this reader, anyway) is that there is a class distinction at play here, as reflected in the presence of two languages.

Nice twist at the end, revealing that Sandy has been tested.

Thanks for a good story!

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Review of Trapped  
Review by Megabob
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
The strength of this story is the tone that sets a breakneck pace, pulling the breathless reader along from sentence to sentence. I wanted only one thing: to find out what was going to happen next. I needed to backtrack a couple of times at the beginning, to get my bearings, understand who "they" were and figure out who was where, and that slowed the pace of the narrative just a little. But the plot was so compelling, I was bothered less by that detour than I otherwise might have been.

Very effective use of sentence variety, short, punchy sentences ("We were all scared." "It screamed in pain." "I looked around. Everyone was gone.") mixed in with more complex constructions. That sentence variety mimics, and emphasizes, the chaotic events at the hospital.

I suggest breaking the story into paragraphs. There's no change of pace here to suggest obvious places for new paragraphs, but you could start a new one when there's a shift in focus; for example, the sentences, "They surrounded the building....", "I called the remaining people....", "I searched the hallways....", "Suddenly I heard a low rumbling....", or "My legs moved swiftly....."

I suggest proof reading your stories out loud, and slowly. You'll catch typos and such inadvertent missteps as in the sentence, "Without thinking a grabbed a syringe...."

It's a mark of your writing skills that we know the evil entities are zombies, even though you don't actually use that word until the last sentence.

This story is a wild ride!

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Review by Megabob
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I love the tone of this story, the way the narrator's words tumble along, not quite stream of consciousness but, with the run-on sentences, certainly conveying his state of mind. The last sentence of the second paragraph says so much about him, had me really smiling.

Wonderful imagery with "...smelled like morning."

I had a little trouble figuring out who was saying what in the initial dialogue. An attribution for one of the dialogue lines would solve that. And at first, I didn't get that they left the library and went back to her abode. I was thinking there was somehow a couch in the cubby, and that didn't make sense. So stopping to figure out where I went wrong brought the narrative to a momentary halt for me.

For me, it's a tribute to your skill as a writer that the aforementioned elements didn't tarnish the appeal of this story. I look forward to reading more of your stuff!

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Review of The Summoning  
Review by Megabob
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
An enchanting story, even if the enchantment is black. Mary's transformation is painted with masterful economy here, starting with the name of the street she lives on.

Powerful use of sentence variety, as at the punchy beginning of the third paragraph.

I was so drawn into this story, I didn't even pause to wonder why Mary wasn't surprised to find out the crows could talk.

Nice job!
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Review by Megabob
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
For me, the charm of this story is less in the plot than in the wonderful use of language. The deletion of subjects in sentences ("Doesn't fully explain...," "...threw a ball faster...." etc.) zips the story along on slick and appealing conversational wheels and, in combination with the vocabulary choices, says a lot about the narrator's character.

Love the snappy dialogue and the ironic last sentence.


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Review of In the Black  
Review by Megabob
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
The story doesn't build to a surprise, but I love the characterization of Cliff, a deft portrait of a bean counter blending in.

I'm guessing the sleeves on Cliff's shirt were just long enough to conceal the biceps tats. And the easy solution for the author to that potential problem, dressing Cliff in long-sleeve shirts, would have detracted from his characterization.

Seems like a good jumping off point for a longer story. I'm wondering, for example, what Eddie would have said (if anything) to his co-workers, or to Cliff, on Monday morning. And having a reader wonder about that is the mark of a good story!

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Review of Her Kept Promise  
Review by Megabob
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Nice job of setting the scene and creating atmosphere here, with the candlelight and high heels crunching on leaves. The heels tell us that Sheila is dressed for a special occasion, and the candles convey that romance is in the air. But there's no answer from Bobby --uh oh.

The first sentence in the second paragraph is pretty long for a dependent clause, and brought me to a stop when I had to go back and re-read it to make sure I understood it, momentarily killing the momentum that the opening paragraph had established so effectively.

Grammatical nit-pick, and this is a common mistake: The transitive verb "to lay" is used with a direct object, as in "She lay the knife on the table." The intransitive verb "to lie" is used when there's no direct object, as when something like a body is on the ground. Hence, the correct usage would be, "Bobby was lying in the bedroom doorway...."

Quick note on verb choice: I couldn't quite picture the knife standing, as in "...where the pearl handled knife still stood." Was it lying on Bobby's jacket, was it sticking out of his body? When I stopped to try to figure that out, the story's momentum came to a halt at a time when I didn't want it to!

All that stuff aside, however, this is a riveting story at its core, and you really told it vividly!

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Review of Fast First Aid  
Review by Megabob
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
The charm of this story doesn't come from one of the usual conventions of story-telling, an event that generates a change in one or more characters, but from the character of the narrator, and how it is delineated through language, and especially through dialogue. The author's choice to contract the final "s" from the character's verbs, for example, paints a picture of Mr. Landry as a folksy and likable guy.

What happens to Mr. Landry is certainly unfortunate, and I wouldn't want to be in his shoes (or inside his head wrap), but I was laughing out loud at this story, anyway. Maybe I could identify with Mr. Landry, and to the degree that's true, it's not only an indication of my own clumsiness but a tribute to the skill of the author.

I was wondering if this story was going to offer up a surprise at the end and didn't think so until the final sentence. Bravo!

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Review by Megabob
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is a well-crafted story, with a consistent tone and a smooth buildup to the surprise at the end. The relationship between Rob and Pearl is concisely defined, and defined well, as it must be if the endearing language at the end of their phone conversation is to be credible. And the credibility of that language, of course, is key to what happens when Georgia walks in the door.

Fun reading this!




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Review by Megabob
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
The details in this story tell us a lot in few words. For example, the beat-up nightstand conveys Charley's meager financial circumstances, an important story element, given the ending. Also, the candle suggests, to this reader anyway, that Charley is a dreamer. And the description of the smoke is especially well crafted.

A note to watch for run-on sentences (the last sentences in the first and fourth paragraphs).

This tale feels like the opening to a larger tale, that the ultimate impact of her new wealth on Charley is the real story here. The author has created a character we want to know more about!

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Review of The Knight  
Review by Megabob
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
There's much to like in this story. You've created an entire world here in just over 1,000 words, no mean feat, and it's easy for the reader (at least it was for me) to imagine that world, beyond the boundaries of the narrative arc of this specific tale. You maintain a consistent tone throughout, and it matches your setting and plot. You move the plot effectively with dialogue, and that's also not easy to do. You are masterfully economical here in setting your scene and establishing your characters quickly, and delineating the relationships among the characters. Your opening paragraph is wonderfully well constructed, with two elegantly composed sentences followed by a short, punchy third sentence that ends the paragraph with a bang. That opening paragraph belies your self-description as an inexperienced writer. If you really are inexperienced, you were born with a serious writing talent!

I had a little trouble keeping my bearings in some of the dialogue passages, had to backtrack a few times to make sure I knew who was saying what., and that slowed the story down for me. In other sections of dialogue, you used skillful devices to make it clear who was speaking, so I know you're aware of the need to keep your speakers straight. I'd suggest remembering to keep quotes from the same speaker in the same paragraph (providing there are no other speakers in that paragraph) and always placing a new speaker in a new paragraph. For example, in this section, I'd suggest bringing the quote up into the previous paragraph:

"Maige’s stout back was to the door. She looked sharply over her shoulder without turning around, one hand reaching inside her sleeve. When she recognized the tall blond woman, she gave her a dismissive look and turned away.

"'Can’t you say ‘hello’ like a normal person?' Maeben did not answer."


The story, for me, reads like an enticing first chapter in a longer story, and lacks the denoument of a complete, self-contained story. On the other hand, it's so imaginatively spun, I'm absolutely wanting to know what happens next.

I really enjoyed reading this -- thank you!


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Review of The Scream  
Review by Megabob
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Very imaginative. I love to think about how the author got this idea, where it came from. It took me two reads to fully understand what was going on here, but I didn't mind that - it was worth it. And I thought it was interesting that, as a reader, I grokked right away the conceit of Katie being able to jump in and out of paintings, and why she needed to do that. I think it's a measure of the writer's skill that as a reader I didn't question that - I was being carried too quickly along through the rest of the story to stop and think about it.

Running from the law, leaping into artwork - I never would have thought of that combination. This piece really has me thinking.

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Review of Wounded  
Review by Megabob
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Besides the fact that this story is so well crafted, with appropriate metaphors and similes, economical insight into the character ("...I couldn't stop myself. I'm like that."), and an effective consistency of tone, I loved the fact that, as a reader, I can't be sure if the narrator is a literal or figurative angel. He (or she) could be a supernatural being or an earth-bound physician or caretaker. The subtle skill of this story, for me, is that it doesn't matter: the power of the story is the narrator's compassion, regardless of who, exactly, the narrator is.

A lot of emotion packed into 270 words!

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