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76
76
Review of Afterparty  
Review by Radler Zpheitor
In affiliation with  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Thanks for entering Round Seven of "Invalid Item" .



When I judge a contest, I look for the best story that is within the rules of the contest. However, my reviews while judging mimics my regular reviewing style, which means (or at least I hope it does) I will have suggestions and comments to help improve this story as well as other stories. In other words, please do not be discouraged by my reviews in regards with the contest outcome because the review is supposed to be helpful and critical rather than a sole judging assessment.


words used: you said 200; I say 199 but...umm...yeah...yesterday with some of the other entries I found that punctuation counts as a word, sometimes and sometimes not. You are all good though, NICE JOB!


Plot:

a girl finds herself in a cage and waits for her turn to scream. GREAT IDEA! It defiantly takes on the genre of the contest as well as being simple enough to fit within the word constraint. WELL DONE!

The Story Told:

I thought you did a great job telling this story in a dark and scary way. I think there are a few things that you could do to make it even more scary, most of them are minor and a bit super-picky but I tend to be that way.

"There was no response." what does no response sound like? think about it and then say that instead. if you do this instead of saying their was no response it adds another dimension to the story. You could also have a response of screams from down the hall of maybe whimpering grimes from the cell next to hers. Remember in writing micro stories every sentence needs to be something and if you have a sentence not moving with an emotion or a felling or a setting within the story I think it is good to look at it again and try to get more specific with the idea.

"but it couldn't last forever."- here is another instance of the same type of element. You are explaining how it she couldn't block it out forever. You might wasn't to say something how it is draining her soul, trampling her will, or something with a bit more individual struggle in it to make the reader feel for this caged girl.

so I'm asking for more of this: "Nothing but bare earth and dead shrubs to the horizon." you are doing more than explaining the desolate area that surrounds this place and in fact telling how if she tried to leave she would be in certain doom. Now with that said you might want to do something else with the next sentence

"Even if she could get out, there would be no chance on foot."

so I am saying, meaning wise these two sentences are about the same, so in a micro story of this nature you can't afford any space do to repeating ideas let alone words. This is why writing something so short is so hard to do.

"She thought back to her last memories outside this room; a night, dark rooms with loud music, drinks."

I like this but I said I was going to be ultra-picky so I will be. I don't think you need "a night" and you could do something a bit more with that, or at least something more as in how many nights ago this party was. I would try and be more specific with this listed effect, more like this

"...last memories outside this room; a dark room pumped with loud music, that kiss in his arms, those drinks, his spinning smile, a locking door..."

So this isn't the best writing in the world and I hope I got my point clear but I was trying to make a more fragmented storyline flash back with melded components to amplify what happened and this is in 25 words you used 27 words in this same space. the big difference is I took out that last part of blacking out. I did this for a reason. she is trying to remember something, which isn't completely clear do to the situation and most of all the alcohol, so this means you are implying a black out already. So I do this in a different way with the last thing she experiences is the locking door. I think (I'm not completely sure) you hear stuff when you are semi-conscious with your eyes are closed so I'm guessing before you block out you would usually hear something before blacking out so it seems most plausible.

oh yeah, I LOVE this ending. Nothing like lingering anticipation to get the heart pumping. The only thing you could of compliment this ending with would be having her hear throughout the whole story the screams for the other room. then she hears doors open but they are for a different room. this would really screw with the reader (so I'm a bit cynical SORRY READERS)


Grammar and Dialogue:

"Voices laughing and joking, a mocking mirror to her despair."

this line is a bit confusing. you might need to flop some words around or try something else instead. It could work flopping some words around but I think you could figure out how. HEE HEE HEE.

Nightmare Factor:

This is very scary and very dark. Now if this was a longer piece. WHICH I KNOW IT ISNT. I would have the person that takes her away someone she knew or someone that she knew that was planning this for a long time (HINT: you might want to make a longer sorry with this idea attached to it, there is nothing wrong with expanding story ideas from short ones, I need to start doing this myself, truthfully.)

I think it is a great contrast of suspense and terror and that for this genre or type of story makes the scary come alive to the reader.

Randomness:

I told you I would be super-picky so I was super picky. I want to thank you for an enjoyable read. As far as judging goes I rather not be hampered with dealing with technical errors while reading entries which is why my judging partner and I thing editing your stories up until the deadline is important. there is always a way to improve a little bit. And I love being ultra-picky I feel I help others more that way. But I am bias since I am myself so you must judge me on that assessment.


Thanks again for entering and good luck!



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77
77
Review of Oh the Cost  
Review by Radler Zpheitor
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Do I need a reason to review?



Overall

your poem is a sad one but a good one too and I like that you dedicated this poem to those people that have suffered for their country.

Title

I'm a bit confused by your title. Because this is saying that we shouldn't worry about the cost. This might be from a certain perspective as in the people that make the decision to send troops somewhere but I don't thing this comes through in this title. You might want to consider rewriting it a bit more clearly or with a different connotation. Is it suppose to be "I Never Counted the Cost" or maybe "A Missed Assessment" or "Uncountable Cost" or "The Cost of Life"

To me the wording of this is a bit confusing.

Structure

I would like to say I'm not a huge fan of repetition line poems. I Think your repetitive line is a great line but I think it is repeated too many times. How do we fix this? Well I think if you have the repeat line less frequent it will make it more poignant.

If you put your rhyme words together and take out every other repeating line then it doesn't seem like the repeating line overpower your other wonderful lines. So this what I would do with your first two stanzas, by changing these:

"Oh the cost I've paid
To keep this country free

Oh the cost I've paid
As I became someone I shouldn't be"

into a three line stanza like this:

"Oh the cost I've paid
To keep this country free
As I became someone I shouldn't be"

As I said before I think this type of cadence for your poem would work a bit better and not as repetitive.

I would also make the last stanza into three lines to keep with this three line pattern throughout. I would move the last part "the cost of freedom" into its own line.


Line Suggestions

"Keep my medals in a safe" - this is a great line with the other line above it. But it really should be "Keeping" instead of "Keep" plus I think if you write it that way you will find it goes better with the rhythm of this line that comes before it.

Randomness

I think you did a great job for this poem and you did so much in so few amount of lines.

Thanks for the read.


Keep on Trucking



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78
78
Review by Radler Zpheitor
In affiliation with  
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
Thanks for entering Round Seven of "Invalid Item" .



When I judge a contest, I look for the best story that is within the rules of the contest. However, my reviews while judging mimics my regular reviewing style, which means (or at least I hope it does) I will have suggestions and comments to help improve this story as well as other stories. In other words, please do not be discouraged by my reviews in regards with the contest outcome because the review is supposed to be helpful and critical rather than a sole judging assessment.


words used: 200 words on the dot! NICE JOB!


Plot:

a man comes home from a sanitarium with some horrible thoughts in his mind. I think this is a great idea! perfect for this contest with the dark and scary element of this contest. It is perfect for the limitation of words you have to deal with for this contest and I think it makes an interesting story. Great Idea!

The Story Told:

As you know I like the idea of your story but I feel that your organize and choice of voicing for this story doesn't let that idea come through clearly. How so? Right from the beginning paragraph I feel confused in the first sentence and then spoon feed in the second; also your first and your second paragraph have conflicting information. Lets first look at the confusion and spoon feeding then we will look at the conflicting information.

"The screams of the mad echoed down the hall. I share a room in the mental ward with three others."

the first sentence is confusing because of the usage of the word "mad" I'm not saying you are wrong in using this word and I like how you used the word but most people usually see "mad" as its definition associated with angry (the feeling). I know this is a stupid argument but sometimes in writing you have to work with words that people don't have conflicts with. So I think "insane" would work better for "mad." Now the second sentence is a bit telly. What is telly? well this means you ate giving the reader the information out right instead of showing them in the story. Now if you said: "My three roommates lay in their beds." It would of been a lot better because you dont say out right that this is a mental institution or even better, use the first sentence a bit better:

"The mad screams echoed throughout the mental ward. My three roommates lay strapped in their beds."

There are many ways you could right these sentences much better than I did. But my point is that in a story you want the story to tell the information. I didn't have the main character tell the reader that this place was a mental ward but I had the sound echoing throughout the mental ward which makes it so the story does the work without the narration. You do this telly type of writing throughout your story. Your action parts are great but when the character starts telling things that are about information you could show another way it makes the stories information spoon feed into the readers mouth which isn't the best of things.

The other main concern I mention was the conflict. I noticed that in the beginning paragraph there are screams down the hall and you have three roommates. This information is fine, then you mention how each one of these people in your room are screaming. This is a bit of a conflict to me. I think you need to have the first and second paragraphs to be in agreement with each other. either have the main character walk down the hallway to umm dispose of the screaming or have the screaming inside the room so that he can dispose of the roommates. I would make it so he has to go now the hallway to dispose of the people because if a guy is the only one left alive in a room of dead people it is most likely that he was the cause of the dead people (assuming it isn't a ghost story of course).

Usually you want to stay away from words like (next and last) for the beginning of your sentences in a story. this is telling your action just have the character do the action. I like some of your little statements after the kills because they are comical but they distract from the story in my eyes. You could use those words in a more useful way.

I think the ending is GREAT!. However the last part of the sentence should be in italics because they are the internal thoughts of the main character. I understand that this story is in the first person but it seems to me you are making this a first person active story as in it is happening now instead of the person writing it later after the fact.

Grammar and Dialogue:

When writing with a word limitation you need to make every word count. What does this mean? there is no reason to over explain things or to make the whole event complete.

"I pushed his lips back into their full usual smile when I was done."

In this sentence you are over explaining many things. You mentioned that the smile on his face was usual before so you dont need to reiterate that point. the last fragment of this line completes the idea but it isn't needed. I would write this sentence like this:

"I pushed his lips back into their full smile."

that ends it and then on to the next person. Oh yeah, I just thought of something. You might want to make this first kill shorter. You have 45 words for the disposing of the first guy. You mention his eyes opening and closing a few times, this is nice and good if you had more room but you do not. So you need to keep in mind for contest the restrictions that the contest may have and fit your writing style within those restrictions. Basically, two hundred words isn't a lot.


Nightmare Factor:

I think this is a great idea for this contest. It is both dark and scary in that the reader must wonder why this guy is going home as well as that it is creepy what he is going to do when he does get home.


Randomness:

I noticed you created the item on the Wednesday before the contest and only modified last an hour later afterwords. This contest likes to promote editing. What is editing? Well, editing is not checking for grammar and misspelling because that is called proofreading. Editing is going back through your story and looking how it is told and how you could rework parts that might need reworking for clarity and effect. It is always good to write something and then leave it for a day and then go back to it so you aren't emotionally attached with what is there. I think if you start getting into this type of a habit it make make those great ideas you have come out a bit better.


Thanks again for entering and good luck!



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79
79
Review of Warmth  
Review by Radler Zpheitor
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Do I need a reason to review?


Before starting this review I want to say a few things. First of all and most important, I'm very PROUD of you for writing this story. I know I'm harsh on you most of the time for not writing and that I can be cruel and heartless with my pushiness but it is only because I want you to write more. What it comes down to the best way to practice writing and to get comfortable with your writing is to write. However you as well as everyone but most of all myself, need to vary what we write to become better. This is why I push at you so much to try contest and other activities. It is to gain information on your own writing style and then actively studying other ones. Keep on Writing! the other thing Is I'm sorry for being so pushy ALL the time. I know I'm a pain, heartless, and cruel but with some people it is the only way to get through to them. HEE HEE HEE. Now that is over, lets review a bit. YIPPY!


Prompt

Since a prompt inspired the story I guess it's a good thing to mention how you use the prompt. I like how you used this prompt. You didn't go too far outside the picture prompt but the way you in cased the story around this orange leaf is great. I like the symbolism you use with the burning tree disposing the love of lies (another burning bridge I see, MAYBE! huh). WELL DONE!


Plot:

I like this plot it's great for the space you wrote it in. It was simple enough so you wouldn't go over the word count and it the way you made it was compelling. However, this wasn't the main purpose of this contest since it is oriented towards description in stories and not the plot of the story.


The Story Told:

I like the inner thought beginning of this story. You use the prompt right out of the gate and it pulls the idea together. The only thing is I also think this beginning doesn't work but not because how your first paragraph is structured. WHAT? well you actually have to beginnings in this story. Your first statement and smaller statement under it is one start and the second beginning starts in the third paragraph with, "The cold crisp air howled..." Truthfully, this is where I would start this story. the first two thoughts are nice and all and if you can add it to that third paragraph without being obtrusive then it would work fine.

I like the sequence of events you use as well with the description voicing which was perfect for this contest. the thing that this story needs is more. I like what you've done and how you've described it within this story but it is centered on this tree. I like the centering focus however you need some more around it. NOT MORE? Yes MORE! what was the ground like? was anyone else there? how secluded is this area? Where animals fleeing from the fire? Where firer engines being heard in the distance? was the air crackling? What were the characters eyes doing (woops, scratch that first person rewind) did the character see anything else? Does 'I' smell kerosene? and so on with every question possible. This is usually how I try to write my own stories. While writing I ask myself questions of everything. If you think I push you to write a transcript of my brain to myself would REALLY SCARE YOU. HEE HEE HEE. SO you need more stuff in between the main idea so the idea you have is a bit more full. Sometimes, us humans, take are sight for granted, well more than sometimes. So be sightless with your words and constructed your ideas with your mind but make sure your imagination controls your focus (that was a good one! SWEET!).


Grammar and Dialogue:

there are a few things that aren't really grammar problems but more of structuring problems since I don't see grammar problems well. What does this mean? Well, in your story you have some little additives that I feel shouldn't be in some of your sentences and even though the person is telling this story you need to distinguish in my mind (I guess) between narrating the story and your internal thoughts within this story (this might be a me thing).

"This is when and where I met her."

I think this line should be in italics. It might add something to the feeling of the line and it would present it as the most inner thoughts of the "I" of the story. There are a few more instances where I would make the thoughts in italics. Not many. maybe one or two.

"This last thought breathed life into the tree." this sentence feels awkward to me. It works and I like how thoughts 'breathed' but I think it should start with "My Thoughts" or a different beginning than "this last thought..." To me it feels a bit weird because of it being in first person plus with how this is written and with the ending that happens I don't think that could happen (but that is besides the point).

"The crackling sound soon resembled the sound of failing rain and it took me back to the day of her funeral." I love this line BUT before you mention the whole funeral thingy I would like a bit MORE! More WHAT? Expand this awesome comparison to rain, and add more images to wisp the reader into this funeral full of mud and truth.

Some of your dialogue seems too over the top. I know it is suppose to be emotional and heart wrenching but in the way it is written I feel like it is from a soap opera. It isn't the words them self but more of the set up to the dialogue, it comes out blaring and needs to be soothed a little.

Randomness

So you know how I am with noticing weird things. You used 'and' a lot (I think). I don't know a rule or anything with how many you shouldn't go over but I feel if the reader notices something too much than it might be in excess. So, in this 388 word story you used 'and' 12 times (your 'and' percentage is 3.09, in my story for the same contest I had a 326 word story and used 'and' 7 times ( my 'and' percentage is 2.14). This isn't a huge difference and I know we write differently but this isn't my point. My point is that where you have the "and's" located is bunched making it seem more apparent then it is. To help fix this situation you need to be mindful of your sentencing patterns (this is a KEY REASON I TRY TO MAKE YOU WRITE). It is better to have varying lengths of sentences so that the reader gets some shocks to their brain for different feelings and coloring. My point isn't get rid of these "and's" because many of the sentences are crucial to your story and need that word. What I am saying is to not bunch to many of these sentences together so that this word doesn't seem apparent to the reader.

THANKS FOR THE READ AND FOR WRITING!


Keep on Trucking



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80
80
Review of Wanderlust  
Review by Radler Zpheitor
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Do I need a reason to review?


I like your poem a lot! it is very well done! I understand you are new to writing and WDC so I want to say welcome. Also my reviews are quite critical so don't get discouraged. Also remember that when I say something this doesn't mean that I am right nut merely a suggestion for your own work (usually I say what is my opinion and what isn't or at least I try to). So take what you want and leave my completely ridiculous stuff to the side. ENJOY!

Overall

As I said before I like this poems idea and how you present it. I find that a lot of people that do haikus or other smaller syllable forms of this nature often write as if they were writing longer poems. To me this causes many problems since it is a short form and should be used accordance with its space. I think you did a great job in using this limited space.

Oh yeah, in all reality this isn't a traditional haiku. They usually have a syllable count of 5-7-5. What you have here is more of the American counterpart to the original haiku, on this reference it is called a "Lune 2" . I've seen it called other things as well. Oh yeah, the reason why they made it 3-5-3 from the original 5-7-5 is due to the spoken Japaneses syllables are shorter than the English syllables (umm, I think I said that right but not sure).

Also there are a lot of other restrictions in regards to traditional haikus that I rather not explain since I don't know them all. (I'm just telling you all these things because there will be others that will point them out as well)

Title

I like your title but I don't like how it is in your poem as well. I think this word should be either in your poem or the title. Truthfully, I like it as the title more than as being in the poem. Why? well it seems that as the title you are defining what this word is opposed to landing onto it at the end of a poem. I like the defining aspect a bit better.

Structure

there a few things that I would change with your poem as in your word usage or more so over usage. It isn't really over usage but a few times in this poem you describe things the same way but differently but I think doing it once would suffice since it is a small form of poetry. for instance, your first stanza explains how something is never still but is always "Unsettled" which is perfectly fine. However, in the next stanza you start off the stanza with "Never still." and then explain the movement again. It is done a bit differently but I think the first stanza is better overall. So my main point of this is that you repeat the same thing that you clearly established. I think you need to determine if both stanzas are the same and if the are different in anyway see if you can combine them into one stanza so you dont have this repeating.

Some of your word choices could have a bit more weight to tell the situation. What does this mean? well some of them are descriptive feelings without anything attached and you need something attached to relate to the reader.

"Madness here,
shadowed memories.
Hopelessness."

I love this stanza but it also is missing something. When you say "madness here" do you mean in every location or just this one location? the "shadowed memories" is a great image and very true but the connection between the first line and the last one of this stanza are hard to visualize for someone that doesn't know the whole story. I think you need a more concrete aspect to make the connection with these lines. For instance lets say that this present madness is derived from some sort of pass madness. I might write it like this:

Madness here,
Seeps from memories-
Still hopeless.

Madness here,
Bygone memories-
Recycled.

In my examples here notice how I try and make a stronger connection between each line to allow the reader to follow one interpretation of the lines over another one. Often vague lines lead people to vagueness so if you want a certain perspective make sure you explain it but if you do want to be vague then be as vague as can be.

Line Suggestions

In your lines:

I cry out,
Where do I call home?

I think you should have the quotation marks. It's allowed, BELIEVE ME ON THAT ONE. HEE HE HEE.

I cry out,
"Where do I call home?"

This makes it a bit stronger since we now it is an actually cry out.

in the last two stanzas of the middle lines I would make those periods into semi-colons or a hyphen because it would then represent your meaning a bit better. The periods usually designate the completely thought and the other punctuation works more as a conjunction like (and, or, but) which I think is what you are going for. If you noticed my examples above where I was explaining how to connect the lines a bit stronger I used a hyphen instead of a period to make that last line statement


Randomness

I think you just need to be mindful of things meaning close to the same thing as well as not doing too much within a stanza. Usually I like to have an idea per stanza or well in haiku type forms a strongly associated bond between three lines representing one image with a bunch of little images.

thanks for sharing and I hope you write more and enjoy WDC.

Ohh yeah, if you have any questions about this review please email me and i will try and answer them. THANKS!

Keep on Trucking



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81
81
Review of Letters  
Review by Radler Zpheitor
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Thanks for entering round twenty-one of "Invalid Item" .
This review is not the sole aspect of the judging process and my judging reviews mimic my regular reviews;
so, I try to make these reviews to be helpful and critical rather than a judging assessment.
Thanks again for entering and Good luck!



number of lines: 21 lines is below 32 lines. GREAT JOB!


Prompt

When looking at poems written before a prompt was deciding I feel that you have to look at the poem a bit differently. It should be seen as if the poet made a good choice in that their poem fits the designated prompt. This defiantly fulfills the idea of the prompt seeing that the persona in the poem is trying to get back the pieces of them self which were left in their letters to the person they use to love. However, this doesn't mean the physical letters them self and maybe eluding to those feelings that depart from a person and their love which is now extinguished since their is no longer love between these two people. This poem fits in the realm of this prompt for this contest quite well despite being written many years ago.

Overall

I love the awkward feel of this pain through your construction of having thoughts overlapping from one stanza to the next. Also, even though you know my grammar deficiencies, I like how you made this poem in the passive voice. Its almost as if the person is trying to say what they feel but in all reality still aches to say such things to the owner of their letters as well as the emotion that was wrapped up within these letters. I like some of the little generalities within this poem but I also find the them distracting in a love/hate type of way. I understand they it is meant to help to picture what this relationship was and how it broke but it also seems to get in the way. Maybe if these images as in the kiss and blood desire were different relationship generalities I wouldn't be as undecided about them but that is neither here or there.

Title

I like the title and think it is perfect for the poem.

Structure

I think this structure is great for this poem because it almost gives a letter feel to the poem with each stanza having a intro/body/closing line as if each one was there own line. You to me you worked this in very well with having a subject of some nature then something about it and then a closing line in the end of each last line in the stanza. This makes this a very tightly woven poem.

Line Suggestions

"and to taste in them your grief,"

I know you will disagree with me on this because you are usually correct with your punctuation but I would like to mention it anyway. In this line I think you should have a semi-colon and or a period (I know, I know, this is probably wrong but oh well). I think that having a more conclusive ending here at this line makes a better statement for the next line almost like a reset before the storm (I can hear you arguing already). I know that the next following line is a new stanza but I think without just a comma this first line "I apologize for nothing" isn't as strong as it could be. But these are just my thoughts as usual.

Randomness

This poem does bring a few questions to my mind. Are there really written letters or are they the feelings written inside them? what would the person do with these letters if they were real? Was my interpretation of the use of the passive voice in the beginning correct?

this poem brings up some emotion but I also feel that the character is trying to hold back their own emotion through a sense of coldness. they seem to be trying to say good bye without trying to cry but starting to a little. I think this could of been brought out a bit more in this poem. So more cold feelings I guess. other than that I think this is a great poem. THANKS!


THANKS FOR ENTERING!


Keep on Trucking



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82
82
Review by Radler Zpheitor
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Thanks for entering round twenty-one of "Invalid Item" .
This review is not the sole aspect of the judging process and my judging reviews mimic my regular reviews;
so, I try to make these reviews to be helpful and critical rather than a judging assessment.
Thanks again for entering and Good luck!



number of lines: 17 lines is below 32 lines. GREAT JOB!


Prompt

The prompt of this contest was "pieces of me" and though this poem doesn't overtly present this in the poem I think you can still interpret this aspect vaguely. This is about a betrayal of a loved one. So you could interpret this poem to be not defending your heart or nurturing the heart which brings along the overall decay of the persons heart. I think this fits the prompt in a way and a bit of a stretch as well but it still works with that notion so I will stick to it.


Overall

To me this poem is a bit confusing in general. I think it might be a combination of things. I like that you did this as an acrostic poem. It is a form that I like a lot and I think everyone should try once or twice for practice, for fun, or simply to write a good poem. The problem with this form is mainly having your beginnings and endings of previous lines working together through the constraint produced by the acrostic word designating the first letter of each line. To me I feel you did this fine with starting with these forced letters but I think you lost some fluidity of meaning going from one line to the next. Two things that could help this, one being some ending punctuation at some lines and the other one is to not rhyme while writing acrostic poems. Now I will leave the last point out since some people rhyme and others don't and I normally don't so that is not my business to deal with. So I think some punctuation could help and clarify some of the ideas by breaking up some of these phrases in complete thoughts. You do this in the last stanza with some more punctuation but not in the first two. I think some in the first two would help this poem out as it did with the third one.


Title

Many people title their acrostics the same as the acrostic word or phrase they use for the first letters of the line. I like both ways and it really depends on the poem itself which one to pick. I like that you chose the title and the acrostic as the same for this poem. I think in not highlighting the first line a different color to show the acrostic words the next best way to do this is make it your title. So I thought that was well done and not in bad form at all. I also think this is a good idea when you a person breaks up the phrase or word of the acrostic too much with multiple stanzas. Doing this makes the word or phrase that represents your first letters in each line of your poem hard to distinguish and making the title that word or phrase is the best way to solve this problem.

Structure

I feel that these lines are a bit longish but you do need to use longer lines in this form since you can't expanded your explanation down words.

One thing that I think could of been better is a bit more clarity of subject. I felt that it seemed to jump sharply from line to line instead of keeping with a steady flow of one issue then when changing into the next issue making it flow from some grounds that were much like it. This is why It seemed confusing in my mind, I thought that the subject jumped in an unfamiliar fashion as if you didn't connect one idea to the next. I feel like you knew the connect in your mind but it didn't produce out right in the poem.


Randomness

I like some of your lines and others seem confusing. However, I think most of this is due to the restrictions that you took on with the poem and not your style of writing. I think if you didn't have the restrictions some of the holes would of been filled a bit better.


THANKS FOR ENTERING!


Keep on Trucking



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83
83
Review by Radler Zpheitor
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Thanks for entering round twenty-one of "Invalid Item" .
This review is not the sole aspect of the judging process and my judging reviews mimic my regular reviews;
so, I try to make these reviews to be helpful and critical rather than a judging assessment.
Thanks again for entering and Good luck!



number of lines: 20 lines which is less than 32 lines. NICE JOB!


Prompt

This was a very interesting way to interpret this prompt. You focused the poem on the "Me" part of the persona of the poem and made the pieces in the constructions in which people or lovers should see this "me" to them. It is very interesting for me because I've don't plenty of studying in various courses on "Self in Society" as in how you make a 'self' amongst all the others from the same perspective. How do you make your self different in society in loo of society? It is a very fascinating subject and in this short twenty line poem I think you illuminate some great concepts in how you need others to see you as you see yourself and if these things are different or not with the varsity of perceptions. I think I'm done dorking about so I'll continue reviewing.


Overall

I like the mood this poem sets as well as the intrinsic nature of the poem. Even though it is saying how everyone else should see this "me" it is also saying something of the power of this "me" in its ability to tell the whole world how to view it. Be it good or bad or horrible or lusty it all works because they know how they are. I love how these are deep statements following each statement with description. IT IS VERY WELL DONE!

Title

I like the title but I also have some problems with it. My problem is probably do to my own insanity. I have this crazy idea that the first line of a poem and the title of the poem should never be the same. Am I right? No! not even close. You can do as you like and many people use this idea of the first line and title poem being the same. However, I never do. I like double meaning titles that mean one thing when you look at the title then something else after reading the poem or a title that encompasses the whole poem or really picks out one aspect of the poem. TO me doing the title and the first line seems to be a bit redundant and wasteful. This is my own perspective and should no be a rule of any sorts so please do not be discourage. I think this title is perfect for this poem however if I used this as the title there is one thing I would also do. I would make the first stanza the last stanza. This may seem insane but truthfully this is the point you are building up to and it is in the past tense. Plus it is that self making the final statement of what that self is. I won't talk about that again in the structure because it is in this part. Hope that is all cool and whatnot.


Structure

you could probably organize all your stanzas a bit differently as well. But I do think the first one should be the last stanza. Besides the order of the stanzas I do think you need a bit more punctuation in the last three lines of each stanza. all of the second lines I would put a colon and the last third lines I would put periods or a semi-colon and the fourth lines I would put periods on all of them. most certainly I would put the colon at the end of the second lines and a period at the end of the fourth lines. the other punctuation in my eyes could be up to debate of some or none or all being the same or being different for each line. I'm leaning towards the same because you have the same set up and completion for each stanza so I think your cadence should stay the same.

Randomness

I thought you did a great job with the interpretation of the prompt and the formation of the poem all together.


THANKS FOR ENTERING!


Keep on Trucking



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84
Review of Give & Take  
Review by Radler Zpheitor
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Thanks for entering round twenty-one of "Invalid Item" .
This review is not the sole aspect of the judging process and my judging reviews mimic my regular reviews;
so, I try to make these reviews to be helpful and critical rather than a judging assessment.
Thanks again for entering and Good luck!



number of lines: 24 lines is under 32 lines. NICE JOB!


Prompt

this poem goes about all the pieces that their love was given and taken from each other. Also, with this interpretation you made these give and take pieces in small little couplet patterns that feed into these two larger four large stanzas to illuminant what these little stanzas mean. I like the combination of using the form as well as the words for the construction of the prompt and that you didn't actually use the prompt in the poem itself. I'm not saying this is the best way to do things or that this shouldn't be done but more so that you did a great job in doing so.

Overall

I think this construction really makes this poem come alive even though these things you discuss inside each couplet is in a general way. But still it is more about the giving and taking and the frustration involved with in this poem which I find to be great.

Title

I think this title is great for this poem. The only other way I would rewritten this title is in question the relationship all together. What do I mean? well this is about the giving and the taking of too people and actually could go along with any other relationship out there. But you could say for a title: "Why Did We Start?" or "Was There Ever Love" or "Never Again With You"

So these title suggestions aren't really necessary but more so to get you thinking about how else you could represent a poem.

Structure

the only thing that I would change us the sequencing of some of your little stanzas. Usually, when having a list of this sort I like to have the most important things on the bottom and then things that feed into the more important things in front of it. How do you know if something is more important then something else? Well this all depends on what you are talking about, for this instance love. so your first couplet I would actually have as the forth one so all of these other things feed into the love one. I think this would make the statement you are trying to make a bit stronger. Specially since the fifth stanza starts with "our love"

I would make your stanzas in this order: 4, 2, 3, 1. or 2, 3, 1, 4,

Notice how much different my second idea is than my first idea. You might think I'm a bit nuts (I probably am) but I think that you can organize these stanzas many different ways and say the same thing but some combinations will seem better than others. So, I'm challenging you to try different combinations more for wonderment than necessity because you never know which combination might explain things a bit better.

Randomness

If you have been noticing some of my other reviews of the contest I've been talking a lot about scratching the surface with words. This also only scratches the surface with the words however the feelings are felt in a more deeper sense in the way that you arranged these words in your poem. So this might be a statement to justify my other comments a bit more than a comment on your poem but I think it does both. With each these little couplet lines you can feel the draining of life form this poems persona which makes all these feelings know instead of read (I hope that makes sense).

Oh yeah, with the suggestion of the reconfiguring of the first four stanzas I think you could do the same with the the next group of couplets as well.


THANKS FOR ENTERING!


Keep on Trucking



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85
85
Review of Fall From Grace  
Review by Radler Zpheitor
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Thanks for entering round twenty-one of "Invalid Item" .
This review is not the sole aspect of the judging process and my judging reviews mimic my regular reviews;
so, I try to make these reviews to be helpful and critical rather than a judging assessment.
Thanks again for entering and Good luck!



number of lines: 21 lines in under 32 lines. THANKS FOR FOLLOWING THE RULES!


Prompt

For the use of this prompt you created a story of someone braking an angels heart by taking away a piece of their innocents. I like this interpretation of the prompt. I like that you use "an angel" to represent that nothing is above the capacities of dealing with a broken heart. It is something that I feel we, as people, don't always discuss that we are venerable to are emotions and more specifically this concept of love.

Overall

Like some other poems I've commented on within this contest, I feel that this poems also doesn't go in deep enough and only scratches the surface of the torment of a breaking into pieces. Often in these type of poems people usually talk about the breaking and the crying of the heart but there are many more emotions that people can face in this situation and I believe that sometimes we forget these things. Other than that I feel that you repeat a lot of the same words, making this poem a bit redundant. Specifically the words: Heart, Cry, Broken, and love. You use these words but dont get into the meaning of these words in how they are felt by the two you are talking about. If you did that this poem would really be amazing.

when writing poetry of this sort try thinking of it this way: love is a concept and you need to explain this concept to someone else that never heard this word before. So what do you do? you have to explain this concept with images of what it feels like to be in love and how those images feel when that love isn't around anymore. This is what I mean about scratching the surface of an idea. In this poem you are explaining this torment through vague terms that need to be explained through a deeper understanding and feeling. I know you can do it you just got to feel it and get lost in it.

Title

I think this title is a bit long and tells everything that is about to happen in the poem. Is this a bad thing? yes and no. You want to tell the reader this is about something but also it is nice to give a bit of an illusion of what happens. so I think you could have something similar to this title but without giving as much away. for instance: "A Broken Angel" "Sky Fallen Angel" "An Angel's Broken Heart" Something a bit more simple with all those parts fit a bit better than trying to jam everything in there nicely.

Structure

I've reviewed a few of your poems before and I know you have this style that you like of presenting the idea as if you were introducing a book to a group of young children on a reading day and then you conclude with saying that is the story of so and so. This is ok but to me not a great technical aspect. You don't really need this type of outside narrator to tell the beginning and ending of the poem, I mean in constructing it for your self, as in the writing process to keep focused, is fine. But as a reader I find it a bit annoying. Usually, the reader knows the beginning and the end and doesn't need to be told about these things. I get the point of doing this and I understand that if you were reading to a group of people you might say this in a concluding statement about the poem but I don't think you would actually write this down. It might be a me thing though so don't get too discouraged.

Line Suggestions

your lines work nice and smoothly but I need more inside of these lines to keep my heart and my mind interested on the situation inside this poem. Try and expand your word usage and other poetic talents to get the idea across deeper than scratching the surface.

Randomness

I like the characters you used in this story especially that you use an angel which is a being of purity but to me these simple actions of what happen don't have the emotion to feel this situation.

THANKS FOR ENTERING!


Keep on Trucking



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86
86
Review of Bloodbath  
Review by Radler Zpheitor
In affiliation with  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Thanks for entering round Six of "Invalid Item" .



When I judge a contest, I look for the best story that is within the rules of the contest. However, my reviews while judging mimics my regular reviewing style, which means (or at least I hope it does) I will have suggestions and comments to help improve this story as well as other stories. In other words, please do not be discouraged by my reviews in regards with the contest outcome because the review is supposed to be helpful and critical rather than a sole judging assessment.


words used: 199 words is well under the 200 word limit. Well, I guess I shouldn't say well under it is just under but I dislike "just."


Plot:

a guy must commit horrible acts to save his family. WOW! very good plot and a bit tricky to do in this small of space but I thought you did a remarkable job with what you used. I like the surprise element to this little story. You got me with that one. I didn't see it coming at all. SLAPPED me right across the face. NICE JOB!


The Story Told:

Like I said above this story is a bit complicated but you did a great job constructing it. I thought you did a great job in this construction and I surprisingly don't have many suggestions to help.

Well wait, I just thought of one that might help a lot. This story is more dark than scary but it is also scary because of the control of the kidnapper and the hurt this guy is inflicting on others. Now with that said, I think you need more presents of the guy in the parking lot watching these acts. I think you could fit this in but you would have to figure out how. But I think if you put in some ominous being watched aspects of the main character doing this actions it could give a more eerie feeling. Like a line like this, "he new what he was doing but he had to do it" or He knew they were watching while he smashed the knife on her face" (I'm not saying to use these lines but to write some of the lines in this way so it seems that this guy is scared that he is doing it. It might help make this last element you wrote a bit better even though I think it is very good as is.

There is one part of the story that you could make a bit better. Which part of your story? well the ending. mostly I think you need to have this line in italics.

Kill two for my two daughters, one for my wife and then they walk free.

Why in italics? well it indicates that this is what the kidnapper said and doesn't confuse it with the narrators voice. Plus, this would help strengthen the last part of the line inside the narrators head. It's a small thing but you do need to make some sort of distinction that this is the kidnapper talking.

Grammar and Dialogue:

"Her diner had become a bloodbath and I was the one turning on the taps." - I would change "had become" into "became" because it makes it seem passive when you say "had become" I might be wrong and possibly am but I think "became" sounds better.

"The man who had kidnapped my family was watching me,..." same thing with this line I think it would be better as "kidnapped my family" instead of with the "had" it just sounds a bit better to me.


Nightmare Factor:

I thought this was a bit more dark than scary but I think it is still fitting for this contest. The only way I could see this as being really scary if you told this from the point of view of one of the people in the diner at the time of the savage attack. Then again I think it is very scary that this guy is becoming a killer and the way you describe these horrible beatings.

Randomness:

to be ultra picky (yeah I have levels of picky-ness) I think you could fix up the second paragraph a bit more because to me it seems to be a bit flat compared to the other parts. Maybe have the other patrons scream, wet their pants, pray for God, throw up, and maybe ask the guy why he is doing this. This would possibly ad a bit more scariness to this story. Either way I think you did a great job!


Thanks again for entering and good luck!



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87
87
Review of Happy Family  
Review by Radler Zpheitor
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Thanks for entering round Six of "Invalid Item" .



When I judge a contest, I look for the best story that is within the rules of the contest. However, my reviews while judging mimics my regular reviewing style, which means (or at least I hope it does) I will have suggestions and comments to help improve this story as well as other stories. In other words, please do not be discouraged by my reviews in regards with the contest outcome because the review is supposed to be helpful and critical rather than a sole judging assessment.


words used: 192 words is 8 below the 200 limit. Do you need to use those 8 words? No, I wanted to scare ya though. Probably didn't work it was kinda lame. NICE JOB!


Plot:

Jeff Dunham did some horrific things to his own family. This is a good plot idea. It is simple and as the capability to produce a scary story. The one problem with this stories plot is the absent of a driving problem. I understand you could argue that the figuring out of the unresponsive family would be the problem to solve in this story but to me it seems very passive and makes the story seem like a description more than a story. You need some cause of pissed off aspect by your main character that these dead people aren't taking back to him. or maybe he starts eating one of the people because they aren't talking back to them. This story just seems to be a little stagnate without a driving first.

The Story Told:

I think you could of used a different name than Jeff Dunham because of the association or close association to Jeffrey Dahmer. I understand you meant to do this association but it doesn't make the story scarier because you used a name that is associated to a real live person that did things of the same nature. It is more of an indicator of what to come. I knew from the name alone what this was going to be about, this actually dwindles the stories ability to have a surprising and terrorizing element, which you seem to try to conceal in this story. So, you might want to change the name to not give away this association.

the way in which you told this story I feel like nothing much has happened. Why is this weather thing so important? it doesn't seem to create enough of a scary element or drive the plot forward enough. It seems to me like another laughing point but I don't feel that it creates a driving aspect to this story.

To me this story has no middle. It has a clear set up of people watching TV and it has a clear ending of him laughing at the situation that happens but you don't explain or show the middle of the story since it is non-responsive people. So you need a more cause and effect line and not really an effect and then the cause actually shone at the beginning of the story since the name you chose for the story.

Grammar and Dialogue:

"Offended by the lack of reply, Jeff turned to his son, speaking with a whisper." I think you might want to rearrange this sentence or break it up and make it two sentences. The real problem in this sentence is the first segment. You could take out the "lack of reply" because you can assume this is why he whispers to his son.

something like this:

"Offended, Jeff turned to his son and whispered."

I think it is a bit more clear when you cut down the extra words in the sentence. Also, since it is a small word count you want to try and be less wordy when you don't need be. For example the end of that sentence you have "speaking with a whisper" which I cut sown to "whispered." You don't need to add every aspect of the actions in short pieces like this one do to the limitations.

".... But Jeff Dunham couldn’t..." this little part I took out of the dialogue because it doesn't make sense for the main character to talk in the third person. I think you could say "Your dad..." if you wanted to use the third person but using his actually full name seems odd and not really the crazy odd that you might be trying to represent. It's more confusing odd.

Nightmare Factor:

To me this isn't scary. I think because of the association of the name and of the not knowing of what he did to make these people so not living. Its almost like a guy is in his house watching TV with dolls. It isn't that suspenseful to create that scary finish you try at the end.

Randomness:

as I said before you need more of a driving problem or suspense to get the reader into this story so it doesn't seem as flat.

Thanks again for entering and good luck!



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88
Review of Room Service  
Review by Radler Zpheitor
In affiliation with  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Thanks for entering round Six of "Invalid Item" .



When I judge a contest, I look for the best story that is within the rules of the contest. However, my reviews while judging mimics my regular reviewing style, which means (or at least I hope it does) I will have suggestions and comments to help improve this story as well as other stories. In other words, please do not be discouraged by my reviews in regards with the contest outcome because the review is supposed to be helpful and critical rather than a sole judging assessment.


words used: 187 words. You ever see that movie? (Got to love Samuel L. Jackson he is in everything.) oh yeah, the contest. yeah you are under the word count. YIPPY!

Side note: as I was reading your story I noticed that you had a modification at 12:06 am 11/28/09 which is passed the deadline of the contest yet you posted before the deadline. I'm not going to disqualify this time but if it does happen again I will. However, if this does happen again and you send me an email that you want to post it for the next coming weeks do to being rushed or whatever I'll probably let you do that. I'm a pretty good procrastinator myself.

Plot:

room service personal goes AWOL on an innocent hotel person. I thought this was a great idea for a plot. GREAT IDEA! It is simple to make within the limitation and I thought it was very plausible and horrific. I feel that the more real a situation could be the more possibilities of being scary. Yes, monsters and stuff could be scary but give me random people going nuts for no reason anytime. If you scare people enough that they can't go into a hotel any more because of your story I think that is AMAZING (and I'm probably a horrible human being, oh well).

The Story Told:

I think you had a nice beginning to this story. It makes a lot of sense and is very unexpected. The problem that I see with this is there is no indication that this guy was going back into his room after being here. I think this would of made this story a bit scary. I understand you were going for the random sneak attack but I think you could of used the filthy room to your advantage. What do I mean? well if you have him enter the hotel room and it is a complete mess then have him wonder about room service coming I think this makes the attack more scare and poignant to the reader. I mean, who hasn't left a hotel room in a mess? If anyone says, "they never left a mess," most likely they never been to a hotel room before. So, I think if you add this little element of dirtiness to this story you will produce a scarier story.

As I said before I like your beginning but I also think you have a lot of extra information there that isn't as important. I do like the idea of saying that there is a reason going into the room. That is well done and you are right in this random act of violence is scary (I might of been a little to pushy with my dirty room idea and I'm sorry about that). I got another idea for your story. It would be cool if you had one cleaning person inside the room and another one that ends up behind the guy (aka the one in the hall way and then they take him into the room) this would really increase the scary factor since it would seem like they were attacking an innocent bystander.

Anyway, I think your middle is a bit rushed. She stabs him a few times and yet he is ok and screaming. It seemed to be going over the line of scary to, "I think he should be dead, why isn't he dead?" This isn't the point you want to cross because the reader starts questioning things which is never good. I was hoping for a slower torture with the room service person teaching all that would enter the room tho not mess with the cleaning crew (sorry about the horrible pun it was unintentional). Maybe tie the guy to the chair spry cleaning products all over their cuts or scrub their skin until their muscles show. Make the guy their cleansing of humanity (I guess it's good I'm not unstable, that would be a bad thing).

Grammar and Dialogue:

the only thing I would do a bit different is not use so many adjectives. Sometimes they get in the way of a sentence. Usually you add something of this sort to illuminate something or give information to the reader about something important. Also, you use the adjectives to create differences in sentences to produce a variety of sentence lengths to keep the reader interested.

Nightmare Factor:

this is scary but I think you were too violent too quick. You need to slow down the action in the middle part as I said before to get this crazy situation to be illuminated to the reader.

Randomness:

I thought you did a great job in this story but I could be tightened up a bit and slowed down. Also, to me the middle part with the knife got a bit repetitive. I think you needed to vary the action between john being scared as well as the lady being crazy to really encapsulate this situation. A bit more emotion instead of movement for john would also help out.


Thanks again for entering and good luck!



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89
89
Review by Radler Zpheitor
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Thanks for entering round Six of "Invalid Item" .



When I judge a contest, I look for the best story that is within the rules of the contest. However, my reviews while judging mimics my regular reviewing style, which means (or at least I hope it does) I will have suggestions and comments to help improve this story as well as other stories. In other words, please do not be discouraged by my reviews in regards with the contest outcome because the review is supposed to be helpful and critical rather than a sole judging assessment.


words used: 200 words on the dot. NICE JOB!


Plot:

a scary creature lurks into a room to eat a child's fear. This was a great choice for a plot. It isn't complicated which makes it easy to fit within the 200 word limitation. Also, it has a scary factor in it already that has survived the test of time (well as of so far. Hee Hee Hee)

The Story Told:

You have a nice beginning of this story as well as sequence of events following it to make this a well crafted and complete story. I think your first paragraph is great for setting up this monster and the description of the monster works very well with constructing a scary being.

the only suggestion I have for how you wrote the story is that it seems very separated. What does this mean? Well, I feel that your crafted organization has produced segments from each paragraph to the next to the point that the distance of the events are too far apart. Wow, yeah that is ultra picky isn't it? Well, Yes and no. What this story needs is a bit more of the child's fear growing throughout the whole story. Right now we only have it in the second and third paragraphs but they are only there because the monster is so close. So, what I'm saying you need the monster to sense the fear at the being so it is this reason why the monster is going into the room. Without this notion of the fear in the very beginning the fear that comes up in the second paragraph is a bit more comical because of why the child woke up (to make it more scary you need to have the noise be a scary noise and not a comic situation. I thought it was really funny that the toy ruined the monsters stealth). other than that notion of keeping with a tension of fear I think you did a great job in developing the story.


Grammar and Dialogue:

"The creature hissed like a snake, looking around the dark room and making its way to the bed of a sleeping child." - this line is a bit excessive in my eyes because you have already developed the darkness of the room. I think you could shorten this line a bit and then maybe add something about the monster smelling the child's fear here instead of seeing the child. You set up the creature being scary awesome, but as I said the reader doesn't get a good sense that it wanted the fear until it smells it in the second paragraph which should really be here. it would make this scary tension a bit stronger with the looming and the reasons.

"..., mad with its stealthy entrance being ruined by a mere child’s toy." - this sentence is a bit wordy. However, this isn't the real reason why I'm point it out. I think "with" should be "that" so that this sentence makes a bit more sense. I could be wrong though cause grammar isn't one of my strengths. This sentence is a bit wordy and I don't think you need to mention the toy in the end of this sentence. It's a bit of extra information and in a story of such limitations extras only get in the way.

Nightmare Factor:

This story could be much scarier. I actually find it comical. Sorry. The problem is that this scary monster has these funny rode blocks that it encounters on its way to eat the child's fear. Unless you were trying to make it so the monster was suppose to be scared thing instead of the people in the story. That works but I think that most people would find that funny than scary. However, I'm bit of a warped individual but that is neither here or there. As I said before you need the scary tension to start in the first paragraph and to make this scarier I would take out the squeaky toy as well as the calling of mom. Or you can say how mom doesn't come because she isn't home which would make this a nice scary element to it. Its a good scary it just needs some more scary elements.


Randomness:

I thought you did a great job. I was thinking after writing this last part that maybe you needed a few more words to get the scary element out more for this piece. This problem often happens in this contest. The hardest thing is trying to figure out how to make something scary in a small limit of words when most scary stories are long slow pieces. nice job though.


Thanks again for entering and good luck!



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90
Review of Realization  
Review by Radler Zpheitor
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Thanks for entering round twenty-one of "Invalid Item" .
This review is not the sole aspect of the judging process and my judging reviews mimic my regular reviews;
so, I try to make these reviews to be helpful and critical rather than a judging assessment.
Thanks again for entering and Good luck!



number of lines: 28 line is under 32 lines. IN THE CLEAR. NICE JOB!


Prompt

you took the prompt as a person realizing that they do not have their love anymore which has made their mind lost to the darkness of night and their heart (and 'being') lost into pieces. to me this was not a revolutionary interpretation of the prompt. However, with the additive of having the person that was in love not realizing that they lost their love by the remembrance of a missed touch brings the use of the prompt differently. In other words, I like this little aspect that you added to make this prompt your own.

Overall

this poem is a well constructed poem with a story feel to it. I like how most of the rhymes aren't noticed but felt which is an ability I wish I had in my own poetry. The construction is fine and the images are good but for some reason I think there could be a bit more. Why? well the images and everything are good and so is the set up of the situation but to me is almost feels like this poem is going through the motions. What do I mean by that? Well, I've played the trombone for many years. One of the things conductors yell at you for is playing notes without feeling. You can play the notes perfectly in the perfect spot and not miss a beat but the energy would still need to be there to turn those notes into music. To me this seems you are playing some great notes but I'm not feeling the swell and energy of the emotion of these notes. I think it is a great construction and rhythm but I need to feel more of your heart inside this piece.

Title

I love this title! It tells you what is going on inside this poem without being used within the poem. It also illuminates the little aspect of the prompt in which I think you did so well in adding to make this poem different.

Structure

as I said before I like the structure of this poem. The build up of the image and then what that image is within the memories of this relationship. then the climax of the person not being there with the shadows reminding the person that it is no more.

I think that the beginning is a bit long in some sense. In what sense? well, I understand you have the first and last stanzas constructed the same so that this women is in a complete reflection of her heart ache. However, I like the idea of cutting out the first stanza and maybe inserting another stanza of pain or anguish or an image of the devastation of the persons heart to help this poem show this pain that has been endured. I'm not saying the first stanza is bad just that I like the idea of her standing there with the reflection out right. For me it seems to be a stronger starting point.


Line Suggestions

you have memories in the last line of stanzas two and three. I kinda like this and I kinda don't. I almost want to take these two stanzas and bring them together so they dont seem like mirror images of each other. Not much happens differently in these two stanzas and I'm not completely sure if the extension of this idea is the way to go or not. I'm teetering back and forth on this issue.

"Then moving shadows on the wall" to me I don't think the "then" is needed for this line. Why? well I think the moving of the shadows does enough to emphasize the turn that will be following.

Randomness

I like the poem but I also think there could be a bit more. Don't just go through the emotions. Make me want the emotions of the heart ache. WHAT? Yes! you should make me want to have such a heartache because than I knew that the love that preceded it was that amazing.


THANKS FOR ENTERING!


Keep on Trucking



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91
91
Review of Somber Succor  
Review by Radler Zpheitor
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Thanks for entering round twenty-one of "Invalid Item" .
This review is not the sole aspect of the judging process and my judging reviews mimic my regular reviews;
so, I try to make these reviews to be helpful and critical rather than a judging assessment.
Thanks again for entering and Good luck!



number of lines: 22 lines is under 32 lines (I think). Good Job!


Prompt

I like how you used this prompt. You have the ultimate giver of "self" tumbling down into their own device with their contemplations of when they will get a chance to be helped and loved and given to. Its a nice representation of the fall of the bleeding heart and not just in love of intimacy but also with love of humanity in general. This adds a large amount of depth to the meaning of this well crafted poem.

Overall

You have a great flow with this poem and you can barely notice the couple rhyming at the end of each line. I wish I had this ability to do this feat with my own rhyming poems but it doesn't come that naturally to me. I think this poem could delve a bit more outside the naming or general labeling of the problem and situation with some more images or with some more metaphors within this poem. It would add another element to it and create a nice balance but it is quite good how it is now.

Title

I LOVE LOOKING UP WORDS! this means you have a good title. HEE HEE HEE. I didn't quite get the whole title until I read through the whole poem. Succor is a bit of a weird word when it is standing alone and I think your poem really fell into this words meaning perfectly. Not that the poem was weird but that this poem really illuminated the meaning of this word.

Structure

I was impressed by your rhyming ability since I didn't notice the rhyming couplets at first (which is an embarrassing but also a awe-full feeling when you realize the rhymes are there)

The only major suggestion besides the one I made before is the order of the stanzas. I think you should make the first stanza the second stanza and the second stanza the first. Why? well to me you have a wonderful question answer type aspect of this poem and or you describe a situation and then the persona elaborates on that. If you switch those first two stanzas this patter becomes apparent and it actually as an amazing flow for stanza too stanza because of your closing lines feed into the beginning of the questioning lines.


Line Suggestions

"I should forsake others and just worry about me."

apparently I'm getting known for pointing out the usage of "just" most of the time I find that it is more in the way than a helpful word. I think you could take out just from this line because i don't think this line needs the pause in which "just" creates. I might be reading it differently though or I might hate that word but either way it's "just" a suggestion (grumbles at self for using the word)


Randomness

I think you did a great job with this poem in presenting the prompt and in constructing your poem around this idea.



THANKS FOR ENTERING!


Keep on Trucking



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92
92
Review of Electric Children  
Review by Radler Zpheitor
In affiliation with  
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
Thanks for entering round five of "Invalid Item" .



When I judge a contest, I look for the best story that is within the rules of the contest. However, my reviews while judging mimics my regular reviewing style, which means (or at least I hope it does) I will have suggestions and comments to help improve this story as well as other stories. In other words, please do not be discouraged by my reviews in regards with the contest outcome because the review is supposed to be helpful and critical rather than a sole judging assessment.


words used: you said 196; and I say 222. sorry but your item is disqualified for prizes since you went over the word count. But you still get a review so it isn't a total loss. I guess, well, I'm a bit annoying and long winded but at times funny so it might equal out. HEE HEE HEE


Plot:

there isn't a plot to this story because it is a description of a land and not a story (it is a great description of these beings in this futuristic world). A plot is the driving force of the story and simply the problem and solution of a story. This story doesn't have this aspect making it a description and not a story. You need something to happen within this story, which could be a number of things: maybe a robot kid attacks a parent for not being perfect, maybe two different robot kids fight, or maybe you can show how these robot kids dont have feelings to their parents for a social commentary about our society. Which ever it is you need something to happen and not just a description of the story.

The Story Told:

as I said before you need some events to have this to become a story. I think this is a wonderful start of a much longer story. The vision of this robotic world is very vivid in your writing.

Nightmare Factor:

this isn't really scary yet because nothing is happening for a person to be scared about. Basically, its describing a mangled face without saying how it became mangled or describing that this various aspects of a person being frighten without talking about the reasoning for being frightened.

Randomness:

I think you should extend this into a longer story and not let this description sit and fester with out a home in another story.

Thanks again for entering and good luck!



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93
93
Review by Radler Zpheitor
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Thanks for entering round five of "Invalid Item" .



When I judge a contest, I look for the best story that is within the rules of the contest. However, my reviews while judging mimics my regular reviewing style, which means (or at least I hope it does) I will have suggestions and comments to help improve this story as well as other stories. In other words, please do not be discouraged by my reviews in regards with the contest outcome because the review is supposed to be helpful and critical rather than a sole judging assessment.


words used: 200 words on the dot!


Plot:

A person's mind plays tricks on them while they are sleeping from watching scary movies. But ending that it was something instead. I liked this plot a lot and thought it was a great idea. It takes the contest name literally with a twist at the end.

The Story Told:

To me this is more of a poem than a story. Why does this matter? It matters because it should be a story because that's what the contest ask for (I'm most known on WDC for my poems so that was a bit awkward for me to say because I like poems).

You actually have a nice story within this poem type style you just need to take the actions of movement and make them into more complete sentences. A poem can have a story in it and often my own poems have a story in it but the style and technical aspects of writing sentences is much different than the writing of poems.

I think you did a great job as a poem story though with great images but as a short micro fiction story it needs organization and stronger sentence structure.

Nightmare Factor:

the description is a bit scary but not completely scary. It seems a bit cerebral and not as alive with terror as it could be. If you made it seem to be more outside the character's mind I think this story would be more scary.

Randomness:

you might want to read about the WDC content rating section which I have linked below.

http://www.writing.com/main/view_item/item_id/1971...

In brief, having a content rating can only help you on WDC. Some people seem to misunderstand the reasoning for this system, for the most part it is for WDC to insure that younger members do not read items, that is deemed by society, as unsuitable for these younger minds. It isn't a controlling aspect on your writing or how you should be writing but a safe guard for WDC. How does this system help you? well, if you don't have a content rating that means it doesn't get sifted into the searching part of WDC (or at least thats how I think it works) so this means your item will not be viewed by the system because it doesn't have a rating to be sorted. What it boils down to is less views of your items which boils down to less views of your port which is never fun. SO please have a content rating for all your items to insure you are being noticed on WDC in their rules and so you can share your writing in the community.

Thanks again for entering and good luck!



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94
94
Review by Radler Zpheitor
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Thanks for entering round five of "Invalid Item" .



When I judge a contest, I look for the best story that is within the rules of the contest. However, my reviews while judging mimics my regular reviewing style, which means (or at least I hope it does) I will have suggestions and comments to help improve this story as well as other stories. In other words, please do not be discouraged by my reviews in regards with the contest outcome because the review is supposed to be helpful and critical rather than a sole judging assessment.


words used: you said 200; I say 199. Whats one word? Well, one word over is a disqualification. Good thing you went the other way (HEE HEE HEE).


Plot:

a guy spends his Tuesday night ripping apart a human. A nice simple plot perfect for this type of story specially with the amount of space you have.

The Story Told:

For the most part I like the sequence of the events in this story and think you did a fine job of fleshing them out. My only story telling suggestion is that you might want to consider some dialogue for this story. Why Dialogue? well, dialogue is usually shorter so you can save space and then add a little more extra of whatever. Also, it is a bit more interesting for the reader to experience a dialogue instead of being told that some thing is happening as you did here:

"He began to beg for mercy, telling me about his family, etc."

now this isn't saying that you did something wrong and this is just as right as using the dialogue. However, I find dialogue very interesting and think it is better in producing these moments within a story. Plus it gives the reader a change of pace form the narrators voice. I'm not saying narration is bad just that a change of pace is often a good thing. That's just something else to keep in mind when writing a story.

Also, I think you could of had this person capture their victim or do the whole "bad guy divulging their plan to the good guy" in this story. This would help make this story a bit stronger. Usually reasons why someone would do such a thing will create a more disturbing image than if you don't have a reason (or that's my thoughts on that issue).

Grammar and Dialogue:

"I found it amusing, hearing his screams of pain and terror as I slowly and meticulously removed the last of his fingernails with my trusty set of pliers."- this sentence is a bit wordy and could be chopped down a bit and maybe even into two sentences. I feel a bit lost in this sentence do to the length of it. Also, another issue comes up within this sentence that happens throughout your story. Adverbs-those little action helping words that end in -ly are not as helpful as they seem. Usually you want to limit your usage of them because they often cause too much clutter and most verbs should stand alone. How much is too much? I'm not sure, truthfully. I was told that they shouldn't be used in abundance (yeah I'm trying to figure this one out myself).

Another thing that comes up a few times and is in this sentence as well is redundancies.

"I found it amusing, hearing his screams of pain and terror"

this one isn't to bad but is an example too. hearing his screams is a bit redundant for a short story like this one because of the limited word count. So I would do it more like:

I found it amusing, his screams of pain and terror"

notice I took out hearing. Why? well, you hear them without saying that you are. Specially, in a story of such brevity, it might seem a bit weird but it works.

"slowly and meticulously removed" in this part of the fragment I would remove "slowly" and keep "meticulously." Why? well meticulously is a slow action all together so you don't need to modify this modifying word. I know it doesn't mean slowly exactly but if you are doing something meticulously you are very detailed and precise so you must go slow making "slowly" not needed. So beware of words that are very close in meaning so you don't over do things in this way.

Some other sentences also need some fixing do to extra words that clutter up the sentence making it a bit hard to read.

Nightmare Factor:

This is a scary piece because this guy is doing these actions for no reason. However I think you need to show more that he is doing this for no reason. Or that this is his routine as if he was going to a movie on a certain day of the week (or having a game night. Oh yeah, nice choice of day! defiantly not a weekend hobby, HEE HEE HEE).

Randomness:

I think at times you get very caught up in your descriptions. sometimes it's better to be simple and less cluttered. I use to have this same problem.

Thanks again for entering and good luck!



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95
95
Review of Sanctum Sanctorum  
Review by Radler Zpheitor
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Thanks for entering round five of "Invalid Item" .



When I judge a contest, I look for the best story that is within the rules of the contest. However, my reviews while judging mimics my regular reviewing style, which means (or at least I hope it does) I will have suggestions and comments to help improve this story as well as other stories. In other words, please do not be discouraged by my reviews in regards with the contest outcome because the review is supposed to be helpful and critical rather than a sole judging assessment.


words used: 195 words! That is under two hundred. Or well I think it is.


Plot:

a person succumbs to their deathly nightmares because it is better than real life. It is a good idea with this combination of plots however to really get this point across I think you need a bigger venue. What, venue? I mean a story with more words. Why? well, to really get these combating views you need to make it so that both of them are seen clearly to the reader. Which means showing the horrors of realities as well as the horrors of the nightmare that the main character decides to succumb to. This would be done in a fashion that would show them both as horrible choices but the nightmare to be a better one than the persons own memories.

The Story Told:

the vague descriptions of this story don't get the point across of what you are trying to say in the description of the item. I think if you cut down on the vague description and bring forth two concrete instances: one of a disturbing memory and another of the horrific nightmare then it would be easier for the reader to understand what is going on in this story.

Grammar and Dialogue:

"...the lost screams of a thousand others to my ears." This is the second time I've judged this contest and I understand the whole one thousand screaming souls reference as well as most people but it is a cliche and it bogs the story down a little bit in my eyes. In most of my writing I try to stay away from cliches unless a character in my story is someone that likes to use them. Now staying away from a cliche doesn't mean you shouldn't use the concept it just means don't write it the same exact way as it is normally thought of.

Nightmare Factor:

some of your description looms around the notion of scary but isn't quite there. It is a bit of a miss on the scary notion because of the vague way in which the evens and descriptions mingle together which conceals the main idea of the story making it hard for the reader to understand what is going on.

Randomness:

you might want to pick a less complicated plot for a story of this length so you can get the idea down within the limitations of the word count.


Thanks again for entering and good luck!



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96
96
Review of TV Snacks  
Review by Radler Zpheitor
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Thanks for entering round five of "Invalid Item" .



When I judge a contest, I look for the best story that is within the rules of the contest. However, my reviews while judging mimics my regular reviewing style, which means (or at least I hope it does) I will have suggestions and comments to help improve this story as well as other stories. In other words, please do not be discouraged by my reviews in regards with the contest outcome because the review is supposed to be helpful and critical rather than a sole judging assessment.


words used: You said 194; I say 193 but I'm usually off in some direction. Good Job!


Plot:

a dog's fleas gives a girl a tape worm. This was a well thought out plot and I think you did a good job telling this story. Thanks.


The Story Told:

If you read some of my reviews of the other entries you my see me point out the usage of the words pertaining to the story. I had a philosophy professor in college that made these test that you couldn't finish. His justification was it's a part of your assessment in how wisely you use your time. I guess I look at these stories the same way. Use the words to push the storyline and the scary issue of your story because that is part of the assessment. You did a good job with what you wanted to get out onto the page but you also had a few additives that could be left out:

"...patted the space by her feet with the other."- this ending phrase is a a very well done transition to bring the reader to the dog but I think it takes away too many words which could be used elsewhere.

"Molly gazed back, the bond between the two communicating to Piper she wasn't getting Cheese Doodles."- to me this sentence seems a bit awkward and could use some simplifying to make it a bit more clearer. I would of mad this into dialogue instead. I love when pet owners talk to their dogs (LOVES TALKING TO DOGGIES).

Molly gazed back, "Sorry, but no cheese doodles for you"
Molly gazed back, "Silly Puppy! My cheese doodles...not yours!"

this would save a few more words to have fun with.

"She’d call the Vet tomorrow for Frontline." just a couple questions: Is this going to help make this story scary? Is this helping the plot? then it is in the way. I understand this would be needed for a longer story or maybe a story that continued into the next day but this isn't going to continue and the tape worm issue wont be helped by this either (however it is great product placement, just joking around).

you have many other instances with small movements that seem to take up words more so then push the scary plot in my face. Try limiting the amount of little movements of objects because they take up words. Remember, short story writing isn't like novel writing because of the limited space and purpose of the writing.

Nightmare Factor:

A few things made this story a bit less scary then it could be. I like the premise of the bugs infesting the girls body but I think you need a different bug. A tape warm isn't really scary and they actually eat your food and not your body. A more gruesome parasite would be fun to scare me and the other judge.

I think the beginning took a little too long. It was a well done set up but in this amount of space it took to long to get to the scary part. If you read your story and most of it is setup and the ending surprise isn't scary enough to hold its own then you need to make the beginning shorter and the ending have more impacting with a more scary element.

Randomness:

I liked your story and thought it was a good idea but the execution could of been a bit more concise to fit this limiting space. How you have it written now would be a great start for a story in the 1k word range. Why? well now you could take the rest of your time developing the main character getting a bit sicker and thinner due to the tape worm or more scarier parasite. Think about expanding this story,you might want to try it out!


Thanks again for entering and good luck!



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97
97
Review of Grove Hills Road  
Review by Radler Zpheitor
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Thanks for entering round five of "Invalid Item" .



When I judge a contest, I look for the best story that is within the rules of the contest. However, my reviews while judging mimics my regular reviewing style, which means (or at least I hope it does) I will have suggestions and comments to help improve this story as well as other stories. In other words, please do not be discouraged by my reviews in regards with the contest outcome because the review is supposed to be helpful and critical rather than a sole judging assessment.


words used: 200 words! WELL DONE!


Plot:

a ghost car ends up running a car off the rode. I think this was a very interesting plot. I was a simple one to tell for the limited space and I thought you adhered to it quite well.


The Story Told:

I think you could of arranged this story a bit more effectively. As I said in many of my reviews last week and I'm sure I will say this again this week when you have limited amounts of space it is usually best to keep the story in one motion. What do I mean? well flash backs take a lot of words so when you have so few to work with (unless the whole story is a flash back) then it would be best not to use this writing technique. You didn't really write a flash back but you wrote an OH YEAH or BY THE WAY in the middle of the story (basically pointing out to the reader something they should know). this takes away from the story of john racing down the street and is a bit distracting. I think if you didn't talk about how everyone in town knew about the ghost car you could of had an awesome surprise to the ending of your story. REALLY! you would of fooled me easily. Also, you would of had 66 words to work with which is one third of the words in this story. Think about all of the great things you could of added to this well thought out plot. You could of described the mangled people in the tree, you could of described the sinister laugh of john as he disappeared, you could of described the trees laughing as the people died, and much much more horrific things to scare me with.

I would of switched the second and third sentences in your story. Why? well the description of the trees make it dark and then adding dark on top of that makes it frighteningly eerie. Sometimes its amazing how much the order of the sentences change the mood of a story. always try playing with sentences to see what it does to the story.
Grammar and Dialogue:

"And then, of course, there were the stories…" this is a huge indicator and not needed in such a brief story. I feel it is more of a waste of words. However, if this was a long story I would probably say NICE LINE.

this interrupting with the second and third paragraph changes the point of view of the story in a disruptive way. It makes it so the writer is overbearing and the reader gets brought out of the story that you developed up until that point.

you could start the story with the third paragraph which wouldn't bring the reader out of the story with the interruption.

Nightmare Factor:

to me the factor of scariness was ruined a bit by the overbearing foreshadow(other know as that OH YEAH factor). For shadowing is fine but in scary stories I think they need to be extremely subtle and in stories with this many words I think it is a think to stay away from unless you do it in one or two words.

Randomness:

I really liked your plot and it is written pretty well but I think it was too much for this limited space and should of been more of a shock and horror ending.

Thanks again for entering and good luck!



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98
98
Review of A sister's love.  
Review by Radler Zpheitor
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Thanks for entering round four of "Invalid Item" .



When I judge a contest, I look for the best story that is within the rules of the contest. However, my reviews while judging mimics my regular reviewing style, which means (or at least I hope it does) I will have suggestions and comments to help improve this story as well as other stories. In other words, please do not be discouraged by my reviews in regards with the contest outcome because the review is supposed to be helpful and critical rather than a sole judging assessment.


words used: you say 200; I say 198 but umm it all fits. Great JOB!


Plot:

a dead sister takes her brother with her at her funeral. You put this plot together well and you made it seem easy which makes the story better overall. GREAT JOB!

The Story Told:

As I said in my reviews of a few other entries, having a person tell their demise in the first person is a weird technical uncertainty because they would have to be a ghost to tell the last part. or to past out the story to another. However, you moved this story well in this way as well with the others but it is something you should consider for future stories. Usually, the first person method of writing (in my perspective) is great to show the characters true self because the whole story is in their perspective. First person is a very one sided form of writing and that dimension is great for showing how the character views the world. To make their personality shine. Anyway, I thought your sequence of events were great and the story goes by very quickly. there are a few things I would change which pertain to how you tell the story but also with grammar so I will do that next.


Grammar and Dialogue:

"The preacher had just started the sermon when I heard someone lightly call my name."- I think this could be written a bit differently. when you say this sort of direction "...I heard someone lightly call my name" and then you have the name being called in a dialogue tag it is technically redundant. I think if you simplify this a bit more you could squeeze out a few more words which you can then use elsewhere.

"The preacher started the sermon but I heard someone/something else..."

then you would put your call after it. Or if you want you can take out the whole name calling and just state that he heard his name without actually producing the dialogue line.

"I fell into the hole and landed on my back." in this sentence I would chop off the and and what follows it. Why? well limited space means you get to take leaps of faith with the reader. You usually want to keep them close to the next action but basically you can't say everything due to the limited space.

"I looked up and there was my sister, smiling"

this is the next sentence and is a good place for that leap. Actually, there is a way that you could add the action the last sentence with this one to save space.

"She was wearing a yellow dress.

The same yellow dress my sister was wearing."

these two sentences have the same redundancy as the speaking than talking. don't forget you are using the narration of the main character so I would leave it as:

She wore the same yellow dress as my sister.

this frees up a bunch of words you could use elsewhere and doesn't repeat in the story.

I like your description of action but I think your dialogue could be a bit more emotional and strong. Also, why not make the brother the drunk driver that got her hurt. or how about it was indirectly the brothers fault and this is why she comes back for him(I'm a bit twisted at times but it's all good, I think). but the way that you have the dialogue now falls a bit short compared to your lines in between the dialogues.

Nightmare Factor:

I like how the last line goes because it is crushing his mind with something so devastating it's inconceivable. It makes it very dark. However I think you could of brought in the reasoning for the accident as well as some more description of her nasty face. also there could of been a scary reaction instead of a smile from the older brother. So it is scary and dark, I mean my sister is scary enough in real life.

Randomness:

thanks for the read!


Thanks again for entering and good luck!



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99
99
Review by Radler Zpheitor
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Thanks for entering round four of "Invalid Item" .



When I judge a contest, I look for the best story that is within the rules of the contest. However, my reviews while judging mimics my regular reviewing style, which means (or at least I hope it does) I will have suggestions and comments to help improve this story as well as other stories. In other words, please do not be discouraged by my reviews in regards with the contest outcome because the review is supposed to be helpful and critical rather than a sole judging assessment.


words used: you said 199; I say 193 but in all reality it's under 200 words. Well done!


Plot:

a neat little package of population control and food production. Yes you did hit my heart a bit with this social experiment since I am a sociologist by degree. It isn't easy to get a social horror written out in an effective way but I think you did a great job. I tried this once for this contest and it didn't hold to well because of the limited space. I think you did a good job in presenting the ideas to bring the plot together but I think you also needed more room to complete this story with the maximum effect. So there are a few things I would do differently when trying to get this type of idea across which I will discuss in the next section.

The Story Told:

Your events were well planed and I think you choose the write scenarios for each scene of this story. However I think you needed to sow different aspects of these scenes than the ones you wrote about. What do I mean? First lets state the three scenes in this story: the depressurizing of the elderly couple, the shipping of the depressurizing old people, and finally the supermarket.

I think you took to much time on the elderly torment. I'm not saying it wasn't good because it was a very heart felt and traumatic scenario. The problem I see is the reader doesn't know that they were sent there too get this done to them for population control or whatever you felt was the reason. So I think you need a gathering scene before this. Have them get caught for being too old (have you ever heard of Logan's Run or Soylent Green? same type of issue). Anyway, you need to set up that these people are sent here to this machine because they are old or whatever reason so that you can make the dark connection of this issue more present. Also, the whole depressurizing scene is 102 words which is 52.84 percent. That is a lot of your story and I think if you add a bit more in the other sections the darkness of the story would be felt a bit more.

Remember, when you have a word constraint like this one you need to vary your descriptions of things so that they are balanced and you only should describe something that pushes the plot.


Grammar and Dialogue:

"...began to depressurize the room."- minor typo, you missed the period at the end of this sentence.

I haven't known this too long and I'm still getting my grips around the issue, but adverbs aren't a good thing. I was told that you should use them but not to excess. What does this mean? I have no clue. However, I think you use a quite of few adverbs. Those are the words that end in -ly (a few in your story desperately/slowly/physically). Apparently, verbs should be strong enough to stand alone most of the time and sometimes with an adverb friend. I guess they are loners, silly verbs and their solitude.


Nightmare Factor:

The nightmare aspect of this piece isn't quite there and you need to make it so the reader feels the danger of all the people in this society going through the same fate as the older people in your story.

The ending could be a bit stronger as well her being hungry isn't that horrible. Everyone gets hungry. You need to make the connect from this younger shopper being happy that there aren't any old people around to be in the isle. Or maybe over the intercom an older person is found and the shopper is happy that they are taking away and says "taste ya later." Something a bit more evil then just the lady shopping and being hungry.

Randomness:

I thought this was a great for the amount of space you worked with. Thanks for the read!


Thanks again for entering and good luck!



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100
100
Review of Crimson Vengeance  
Review by Radler Zpheitor
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Thanks for entering round four of "Invalid Item" .



When I judge a contest, I look for the best story that is within the rules of the contest. However, my reviews while judging mimics my regular reviewing style, which means (or at least I hope it does) I will have suggestions and comments to help improve this story as well as other stories. In other words, please do not be discouraged by my reviews in regards with the contest outcome because the review is supposed to be helpful and critical rather than a sole judging assessment.


words used: you said 200; I say 198 but I think you counted the title which isn't included in the word count. Either way it is 200 or under and ALL GOOD! Hope I didn't worry you to much!


Plot:

in a crypt he meets his maker which is his brother. Very nice twist of darkness in this gory story. It's to the point but with a twist making it easy to work around. Well done!

The Story Told:

I liked the sequence of events. Very straight forward and you didn't go back and forth in time except in a brief dialogue line which is technically not going back in time but mentioning something from a different time. Worked out well.

I would of liked this story not to be told in the first person. Why? well, it isn't a huge deal (since you did work it well for this story) but how can a character write something that they die in if they aren't a ghost? It's a logistical argument which is neither here or there because the way in which you present the story.

I do think you could of shorten some things into dialogue instead of actions. For example:

"I gazed upward, silently pleading for an end to the anguish, but no relief could be found in those hollow sockets."

you could shorten this line a lot then add some description of what he does to the persons body instead of talking about the pleading. so something like:

"Please don't... I don't deserve this..." He ties my arms down and peals of a layer of skin from my back.

These two lines I wrote is 21 words. the same as yours. The difference is how the pain is shown. You a term "anguish" well I use a description of "anguish." either way is fine and I wanted to give you a bit of food for thought in how you can make the images a bit stronger to the reader (which I hope I did).

In a brief story such as this one you need to be choosy with what to describe, for instance:

"Though the morbid parody of a man never once moved its dry, cracked lips, a crescendo of maddening voices resonated within my mind."

this sentence is a nice description, besides the confusion before the first comma. I think if you took out "though" and "once" this sentence would work even better. However, I wanted to get my point across the usage of this description. To me this line isn't as important as the actually advance and torturing of the live brother. Or instead of being vague about the reason why this revenge is about to happen would help out in attaching the quality of the fear in which the reader should be feeling for the main character. Or you could bloody him up a bit more, making the attack a bit more gruesome.


Grammar and Dialogue:

"was the only thing I managed to stutter through trembling lips,"

this line could be shorten. Why? well with these actions of trembling as well as stuttering the reader gets that this character is scared. You don't need to notify the reader that they are scared since you showed it quite well in their actions. What do I mean by notify?

"was the only thing I managed to" this little fragment isn't needed since you know the person is scared through their words in combination with their actions. So more like this:

I stutter through trembling lips,- this also leaves out some words which can be used elsewhere.

Nightmare Factor:

This has a good scary factor but could use even more of the visual torment. Am I sick? Quite so, maybe... Whoops.


Randomness:

Thanks for the read! GREAT VISUAL AT THE END.


Thanks again for entering and good luck!



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