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101
101
Review of Id Found Me  
Review by Radler Zpheitor
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Thanks for entering round four of "Invalid Item" .



When I judge a contest, I look for the best story that is within the rules of the contest. However, my reviews while judging mimics my regular reviewing style, which means (or at least I hope it does) I will have suggestions and comments to help improve this story as well as other stories. In other words, please do not be discouraged by my reviews in regards with the contest outcome because the review is supposed to be helpful and critical rather than a sole judging assessment.


words used: 181


Plot:

a person is attacked by their own character. This is a great plot that's simple enough for a story of this limited word length with enough power though to be thrilling in this same amount of space. The problem with the plot is that it depends so much on the description of the item rather from the story itself. This is good and bad. Why? well, the good thing is that you ended up utilizing the description of the item to its fullest potential. The bad part is that if this story didn't have a description before it the story would be a bit harder to understand. Basically, I'm saying that the story should be enough space to get your story across without the dependence of the description. I think you could of made the plot a little more clear in the telling of the story which I will go over next.

The Story Told:

I love how you tell this story! it's very riveting and action pack but with that said the beginning is very confusing especially your first few sentences(technically first three sentences):

“That’s right, Mr. White, scream for me.” I did. I knew this creature.

Why is this confusing? the speaker is the person narrating and when you say "I did" it gets confusing with the action that is taking place.

I think you need to start from a more solid place in order to limit the confusion in the beginning of the story. How? well I think if you start your story with the dialogue: “You’re not real!” the flow of the story my come out a bit better. from there you can talk about the monster being your written creation and then go into how its popping out of your story. To me it would make a bit more sense.

Also, when you describe the monster I think you need to do it a bit more vividly. is the face mangled? do they have fangs? is it like the blob? whichever it is I think you need to say that instead of saying man-like. Sorry, but Man-like isn't that scary.

the ending of this story also gets confusing between who is actually speaking between the narrator/mr.white/I/and the creator (yes I understand most of these things are the same being but you need some way to keep them separated better.


Nightmare Factor:

this story is scary but also has the potential to be even more scary. WHICH IS GREAT! also if you ever get a chance after the contest I think it would be worth making this story much longer. It would be easier with more words and I bet you make it turn out great.

Randomness:

the idea is good but the structure of it is very confusing and could use a better sequencing of events.


Thanks again for entering and good luck!



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102
102
Review by Radler Zpheitor
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Thanks for entering round four of "Invalid Item" .



When I judge a contest, I look for the best story that is within the rules of the contest. However, my reviews while judging mimics my regular reviewing style, which means (or at least I hope it does) I will have suggestions and comments to help improve this story as well as other stories. In other words, please do not be discouraged by my reviews in regards with the contest outcome because the review is supposed to be helpful and critical rather than a sole judging assessment.


words used: 186 words by my count. Please remember to add a word count in your item somewhere or in your post in the forum.


Plot:

a person warns the reader/audience of the voices in their head. I thought this plot was very clever. and I thought you emphasized the back and forth fighting within a person fighting an inner conflict of evil quite well.

Title note and comment:your title works quite well but I think it could be better. instead of revealing the information that you do with this title you created you might want to try something more along the lines of: "This is Your Warning" "Be Afraid" "It's Almost Upon Us." these titles add a bit more scariness to the story since it is warning the reader as well as anybody else that might be in the story themselves.


The Story Told:

the problem with I see is the setup of your story. I like your ideas within this story very much as well as with some of the things you explain in it. However, I think you need to set it up more so that the person in the story doing the fighting within their head is warning another person inside this story. Be it a person on the street, many people on the street, him walking into a police office trying to turn himself in, or maybe at the post office trying to get his picture up on the wall so he will be arrested on site and thrown into jail. Or you could make it a letter (aka email-seriously what is a letter) type of a story to warn all the people in the neighborhood to run if they see you. If you did something like that it would need to start a bit differently: "I wrote this to inform you I am an animal..." or "If you see me please lock me up" "I here to inform you I've been killing people..." you need some type of reasoning for this person to be telling people "Just GO" at the end of your story.

"I watched my own hands do appalling things to my brother," you do this a few times and no that it is wrong. But I think it would be better if you described what they did instead of using a label of sorts. What do I mean by label? well appalling things could be a number of things, sticking pins in every pore (this is impossible but fun to in envision) then have electric currents going through the persons body until their eyeballs popped. So think describe instead of labeling broadly.

Grammar and Dialogue:

"HE see’s who I see,"- this should be "HE sees whom I see,"- it is sees instead of see's because see's would translate to "see is" which would be a bit confusing.

a few times you have some words that clutter up your sentences which disrupt the flow of your wonderfully swift and hectic sentences.


Nightmare Factor:

as I said before this is a little scary but I think if you added some more scary descriptions to this story it would really soar.


Thanks again for entering and good luck!



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103
103
Review of I See Through You  
Review by Radler Zpheitor
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Thanks for entering round four of "Invalid Item" .



When I judge a contest, I look for the best story that is within the rules of the contest. However, my reviews while judging mimics my regular reviewing style, which means (or at least I hope it does) I will have suggestions and comments to help improve this story as well as other stories. In other words, please do not be discouraged by my reviews in regards with the contest outcome because the review is supposed to be helpful and critical rather than a sole judging assessment.


words used: 87


Plot:

someone sees through the intentions of another. I thought the pot was a good one. Very solid.


The Story Told:

the thing you need most in this story is more. This is actually a great skeleton for the story it just needs a bit more meat on it so that your idea can get fully through to the reader. For the most part the why this is happening or the why this person doesn't want to be a vampire isn't seen in this brief story. Without this why in the story something happens but it doesn't seem like a big deal. You need this why to make this into a scary story.

Also, if you double your word count you get 174 words. this is still 26 words below the word count restriction which is quite small in most respects. So I'm saying it needs more and I'm most certain the more you would add to this story the more impressive it would be.


Grammar and Dialogue:

appearing to say, "I want to eat you." - since you are talking about eyes appearing to say this line I think it should be in italics instead of in quotes. Why, and is it that important? eyes aren't audible (except for a squish here and eyelid suction there) and to me putting things in quotes usually mean the act of making an audible sound. It is important because if you have it in italics you get a double meaning thing going on between the eyes talking or the person thinking the eyes are talking. It isn't really definite and adds a nice little layer of ambiguity in this little story.

the last line of this story confuses me a bit. Did you want some more along the lines of: "It was too late, I was a vampire."

Actually, I dont have any other suggestions because I'm not quite sure what you mean by "I was it"

Nightmare Factor:

this isn't that scary because the person that gets bitten isn't scared but more whinny than anything. this makes it a bit funny in my eyes (specially nowadays with vampires being super-saturated in books, movies, and television shows). It's almost as if you are saying, "NO PLEASE! not another vampire story!"

Randomness:

when planing a story for a contest always am above the word count then cut down the excess of the story. And when a contest has a very small word limit always meet that limit as close as possible.


Thanks again for entering and good luck!



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104
104
Review of Garage Sale  
Review by Radler Zpheitor
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Thanks for entering round four of "Invalid Item" .



When I judge a contest, I look for the best story that is within the rules of the contest. However, my reviews while judging mimics my regular reviewing style, which means (or at least I hope it does) I will have suggestions and comments to help improve this story as well as other stories. In other words, please do not be discouraged by my reviews in regards with the contest outcome because the review is supposed to be helpful and critical rather than a sole judging assessment.


words used: 193


Plot:

A girl discovers a nice gory garage sale.


The Story Told:


"A small arrow on the sign pointed to a house at the top of the hill, where Tabitha could see the sun just about ready to dip below the horizon."- this is more about something to ponder because two hundred words isn't a lot of words to write with. Is all of these words completely necessary to the plot.

I think if you tighten your beginning up and add a more eerie tension as your main character walks up past the empty cars as well as silence as she walks into the back yard there would be more of a haunting feeling. remember in brevity writing everything should be part of the story even descriptions.

Your sequence of events was great! Nice path of "A to B" without any weird letters thrown in there.

"There was a strange odor,..."- I think you should describe this odor a bit more than saying strange odor. for instance: "An odor of animal flesh and motor oil rouse from the barn." or you can have the character do that inner thought thing again: Whats that smell

Grammar and Dialogue:

"Tabitha drove down the long dirt..." I think this should be "a long dirt road" because it is the first time you mentioned it. I could be wrong though.

"...read, ‘Garage Sale’."- I'm not a hundred percent sure but I think this should be a colon instead of a comma after read and then the quotes aren't needed as well. So it would look like this:

...read: Garage Sale.

I could be wrong though and I think the way in which you have it now is also acceptable.

"To Tabitha’s surprise, there was no one there,"- I think you should do the italics inner thoughts for this line since you've used it effectively in other spots of your story.

little spelling typo: carring should be carrying


Nightmare Factor:

I think you needed a bit more scary factor to this story. it was scariness at the end but it needed more to balance out the beginning. Or maybe at the end you have her trying to run or lose a limb with a swipe of the ax as she tries to run away. It just needs a bit more but other than that it was very well done.


Thanks again for entering and good luck!



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105
105
Review of A Haven  
Review by Radler Zpheitor
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Thanks for entering round four of "Invalid Item" .



When I judge a contest, I look for the best story that is within the rules of the contest. However, my reviews while judging mimics my regular reviewing style, which means (or at least I hope it does) I will have suggestions and comments to help improve this story as well as other stories. In other words, please do not be discouraged by my reviews in regards with the contest outcome because the review is supposed to be helpful and critical rather than a sole judging assessment.



words used: 197


Plot:

The plot is solid and simple which is perfect for a short micro-story like this one because you have less of a chance of going over the word limit.

Title note and or pondering: is this still a haven? to me it doesn't really sound like it. You might want to try a more involved title that suggests this use to be "a haven" something like "we use to be safe here" or "The day our love failed" or "Conquered Love"


The Story Told:

I think you could of rearranged the events of this story differently. For me there was too much set up and not enough ending. You want to make the story a bit more balanced overall, plus most of the back story that you have in this little story isn't as needed as the scary element to it. What do I mean?

Well from: "We’ve been hiking..." to "We had just made love." you use 81 words of this 197 word story (41 percent). Most of these 81 words are back story of why these lovers go to this spot to get away and not about the horror that they see when they get there. Don't forget, two hundred words aren't a lot so you must be brief with some of your points you want to make. One way in which you can make it easier is to not go back and forth in time as you did in the sequencing of the story.

you had some minor typos. Also, some of your sentences are awkward do to some wordiness.

Nightmare Factor:

I think this could of been scarier if you got to the scary parts of the story faster as well as have more of the scary parts throughout the story.

Randomness:

"...,like bark being ripped off a tree..."- nice description


Thanks again for entering and good luck!



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106
106
Review of Prisoner 56  
Review by Radler Zpheitor
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Do I need a reason to review?

Overall-I think this poem is great! I love the meanderings of the lost criminal mind in their cell. It's a very scary thought that this prisoner is so lost that they don't even know why they are in the cell in the first place. Well put together in between the mind as well as the thoughts of being locked up in the cell. One general comment of the whole poem is that I would like some smaller lines in this poem (this is more of a style thing and I happen to like short lines over longer ones). Even though smaller lines is more of a style issue I think that shorter lines could be better for this poem because then some of the lines could show the meaning a little bit more clearer. In this review I will show some instances in how you could rearrange the poem a bit different but it doesn't mean you should (more of a translation of how I see your lines could be and some food for thought for this poem and other great poems you might write).

Title

I like this title very much. It is straight forward and to the point, as well as giving the reader a bit of wonderment in what will be happening in this poem before reading it. All of these things make a great title and really adds to the poem. THANKS! (I LOVE good titling)

Rhythm/Structure

I think your rhythm is well done. It's both hectic where it needs to be, for this dwindling mind, as well as easy to follow and read. I did find some points in where you could leave out some of the words, for instance:

"I cannot even recall the reasoning of my existence in this desolate location." - this line could be cleaned up a bit, some of the words make it a bit muddled on the tongue when you say it out loud. Mostly, the "I cannot even recall..." gets a bit stuck on the tongue with the word "even" It's not really necessary to be said as well. I would write this part of the line as well as the whole line a bit shorter.

"I cannot recall the reasoning of my existence in this desolate location." well I only took out even but truthfully as I said before, in this review I would also shorten your line length differently. For this one line I would make it two or three lines:

"I cannot recall the reasoning
of my existence in this desolate location."

"I cannot recall the reasoning
of my existence
in this desolate location."


another three line variation:

"I cannot recall
the reasoning of my existence
in this desolate location."


Notice: in all of these line interpretations I try to have each line have a certain subject pertaining to it. I was told that lines are for the "eyes and meaning" of the poem by some much better poets than myself. It's been making more and more sense to me now as I read more and more poetry. There are many other lines in which you could do this throughout your whole poem. Plus, I think having these shorter lines would make the separation from one "Tap. Tap. Tap." to the next one have more space with would I think would intensify their purpose.

even though this isn't a rhythm problem I think it would help to discuss this now:

"Why? Does anybody remember who I am, where I am, who?"- in this line the "why?" doesn't seem to belong with this line and to me it makes this one line confusing. the "why?" to me seems like it should be next to the tapping, with prisoner 56 questioning the "why" they are doing it and then the next meandering thought of their thoughts come in. However, after writing this I discovered that the "Why? Does anybody remember who I am, where I am, who?" is really the thing that needs to be broken up to help out this situation and I'm sorry about the confusion:


"He never sleeps. Not one night,
always tapping, always tapping.
Why? Does anybody remember
who I am, where I am, who?"

"He never sleeps. Not one night, always tapping,
always tapping. Why? Does anybody remember
who I am, where I am, who?"

"He never sleeps.
Not one night, always tapping,
always tapping. Why?
Does anybody remember
who I am, where I am, who?"

"He never sleeps.
Not one night,
always tapping,
always tapping.
Why?
Does anybody remember
who I am,
where I am,
who?"

here are some other variations of those same three lines of the second stanza. notice how I construct the meanings of certain lines with my assessment in where I think they belong or how they could be written in different forms of lines. in the last line of this same stanza you have "I am called by Prisoner 56..." this fragment seems wordy to me. I would actually write it line so:

"For now I know only that I am Prisoner 56..."

I end up taking out "called by" which to me seems a bit redundant. and the character to me would be more direct with this thought. there are other ways in which you could write this line as well. You have a few other cases like this and I think those lines could be shortened as well.

Randomness

I think if you end up making shorter lines you could add a couple more "Tap. Tap. Tap." to make some nice subject transition. It is a great tool to use for this reason and I think you've used it nicely in where you have it but you could add more if you have more space between those actions. This is more so it doesn't seem too redundant and more like that interval of spaced annoyance.

One last thing: in my opinion I think the stanza that starts with "He never sleeps...." should be the last one of this poem. It will make an awesome cycle from title to the ending of "For now I know only that I am called by Prisoner 56..." which would linger and resonate within the readers mind. To me it would make the conclusion and the meaning of the whole poem as powerful as the concept you tackled with your well placed words.

THANKS FOR THE READ!


Keep on Trucking



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107
107
Review of It is snowing  
Review by Radler Zpheitor
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a great 55 word story.

you set the mood of the story very well with out much description through the interaction and non-interactions of the characters in the story. Well done.

I have one correction as well as one question:

“Mom” , silence was interrupted. - in this line you have the comma outside the quotation marks and it should be inside instead. Why? I'm not completely sure it's one of those rules that loss the meaning over years of writing evolution. The way I think of it, well to remember it is you always need some type of punctuation to start a quote (unless it is the beginning of the sentence like with this line); also, you need some type of punctuation to notify that you are closing the speaking of the line which happens inside the quotes and then you put the end quote. This is how I've rationalized the use of this punctuation and usually it keeps me in the bounds of the laws of grammar (silly laws, whoops, no-one saw that).

“Mom,” silence was interrupted.

the question I had: I was wondering why you had all the dialogue in this story in italics? I'm not saying its wrong or anything like that. I was just wondering why you did that. Thanks for the great read!

GOOD LUCK IN THE CONTEST

Keep on Trucking

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108
108
Review by Radler Zpheitor
Rated: E | (4.0)
overall- this is a great piece of hilarity in a Monty Python type of tone. I think that you did a great job on this story, especially since you don't speak English on a regular basis which is astounding for something this funny.

I hope I was able to pick up on the things that you were worried about with your story (the use of some words and some other things)

It is a great story either way and one that should be enjoyed by many especially for people that love dogs.


GRAMMAR/SPELLING/DIALOGUE

"Matters of discord were settled by a simple act of licking each others chops or a good wagging of tails were acceptable, even a sniffing here and there was ample."

for this sentence I would change around the end of it a bit:

"...good wagging of tails; even a sniffing here and there was acceptable."

I took out "were acceptable" because you are state in the beginning this is how the dogs settle a discord. Then I replaced "ample" with "acceptable" because it is a better word to use there.

"...and the other dogs have to find it." this line could be shortened a bit to "for other dogs to find." or to "for other dogs to find it."

the leader of the pack->should have the marks around it like you have for ‘the pack is all’ so it should look like this-> 'the leader of the pack'

The Top Dog in this community was really the dog amongst dogs no dog would dare disobey his rule.->this sentence needs to be in the paragraph above it and is much like one of the sentences in the paragraph above it. So, you could either combined it with that sentence or replace it with this one or use this one instead of the other one.


Only the ‘legends of the dogs’, which came through the ages.-> this last segment after the comma doesn't make much sense and I think it needs a few more words for it to work

all over among the gentry.-> I don't think you need "among" here because "over" and "among" kind of are the same in meaning in this context.

One of these ‘legends’ is the rendition of - The Wall.

"Eventually, a call of nature took"-. took isn't the best word to use here you need something more along the lines of summons/beckon/notified.

",their building skills left much to be desired."- left much to be desired doesn't fit too well here I think you want something more along the lines of not being good or was done poorly. I mean it kind of works but not really also.


I hope I didn't confuse you too much in this review. If I did confuse you please email me and I'll hopefully explain it another way so it makes sense.


THANKS FOR THE READ


Keep on Trucking


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109
109
Review of Fat Mikey  
Review by Radler Zpheitor
In affiliation with Rainbow Madness ~ Reviews and...  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Is your work sitting in your port and being neglected? Chatterbox Review Central will gladly come into your port and review as much of your work as possible in one week. If there is something specific you want looked at, feel free to let us know. Fill out the survey and become the next port to be reviewed "Invalid Item" .


Overall- GREAT JOB! very well done 55 word story. you should be very proud of yourself. Many people say it is too hard or that you can't do a story in 55 words but yet you are another person to prove this notion wrong.


GRAMMAR/SPELLING/DIALOGUE

I do have some suggestion in which you could do to tighten up your story and also with the tightening allow you to have some more flexibility to add a few things.

"I took out a snowball and hit him square in the forehead."- this sentence is very good but I also think its a bit long for a 55 word story. Not in the sense that the word count in this sentence is too long but more in the sense that some of the things are minutely redundant. lets pick it apart to see.

"I took out a snowball and hit him square in the forehead."

if you notice I marked one section bold and two sections blue. the bold section I think you can shorten to "I threw a snowball" plus taking out a snowball isnt the same as the action of throwing a snow ball. You can change this to hurled/launched/heaved and any other action of throwing to get the point across (Your choice, your story). the other part that I have marked in blue seems redundant to me specially if you change the first part of the sentence into a throwing motion, the "hit him square" and "forehead" is the same thing for all intensive purposes and I thing you could shorten it so you could then use words other places. so the full sentence would resemble:

"I threw a snowball and hit his fat forehead."

this reduced the sentence from 12 words to 9 and you could get it to eight if you use a semi-colon:

"I threw a snowball; hitting his fat forehead."

and without the extra bolded fat then it would be 7 words in the sentence. all of these words that are being freed up I think you could use in the next sentence to show fatt mike running towards you or getting made and letting go of the other kid or so on. that part is a bit vague from the hit of the snow ball to the face to the slamming (instead of slamming what about spears- you know when you run and dive on top of someone- just a suggestion)

anyway, besides the shorting of this sentence to create more room for other things I think this is great and also I dont think even what I suggest is needed. Just remember if you do change something.

ALWAYS RECOUNT YOUR WORDS AFTER CHANGING SOMETHING.

thanks for the read and good luck in the contest.

Keep on Trucking.


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110
110
Review of Expectations  
Review by Radler Zpheitor
In affiliation with Rainbow Madness ~ Reviews and...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Title

to me there is a miss between the title. More so because I want to mean more than it does. I get that you mean to not have certain expectations or to watch out for expectations because they don't always steer you the right way. How about something like "Experiences" to me this is more poignant with your poem in a little lesson to people that experience doesn't always bring around the same expectations.


Structure

"Dive low and dig deep,"- I like this line a lot and thing its well done but I would like to suggest a alternate way to write it which you don't have to take.

"Dive low; dig deep"

this is how I would write the line. I think changing the "and" to a semi-colon gives a different fell to the line and almost more active. As you will notice in some of my own poems I like to get the little words out of the way to let the bigger ones breath. Oh yeah, the comma at the end of the line isn't really need. In some of your other poems as well this also is the case. It's not that it is hurting the poem but more that it doesn't whole a purpose either way. In other words you don't need punctuation at the end of each line if the punctuation doesn't serve an actual separation.

"such scare," -these two words seem to slow your rhythm a bit. Which I think you can fix a couple of ways:

"to scare,"
", such scare,"

you could also make this a dialogue line:

prevail, "Such scare,"
prevail, "Such scare!"

there are many other ways to fix this line, it slows down as an after thought between "prevail and such" which needs some sort of clarification.

If you remember from my last review I said I wouldn't mention capitalization. Well, I have a reason to now, since you capitalize "And" in the third line of this poem you should probably capitalize the first word in the third line of the last poem I reviewed. Or you can take down the capitalization of this poem. either way, it is better to be consistent to justify yourself for when someone asks you why or why not you did or didn't do something (more for a style bases than anything).


randomness

I like the meaning in this one as well however I don't think this poem is as strong as the other one I reviewed. Why? well mostly because of the word "flamboyance" It makes a nice shoot off from the rays of the son but I don't think it has enough meaning to hold true the point of difference and nonconformity that you are trying to pursuit in this poem. Well, it is unexpected but I think the poem can prove to have more meanings than intended with another word besides "flamboyance"

Another little but powerful poem


Keep on Trucking


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111
111
Review of Irony of Wisdom  
Review by Radler Zpheitor
In affiliation with Rainbow Madness ~ Reviews and...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Title

This title is great for this little piece. It has a part in the various pieces in the poem as well as pointing the reader in a direction of the poem, however it doesn't badger the reader with only thinking one thing.


Structure

this poem has one technical flaw in the third line:

'ideal!', the ripe exclaim, - in this line the problem is the first comma. When using quotation marks you need a comma before the quote but in this case that doesn't apply since it is the beginning of the sentence. However, quotations don't need any punctuation after you close them because the punctuation inside the quotation is that notification. In your line it is the exclamation mark.

'ideal!' the ripe exclaim, - so the line should look like this instead. some people would also say, that you should capitalize "Ideal" as well as "The" but since it is a poem I usually don't comment on capitalization and only mention it because someone else might. When I do comment on capitalization when reviewing poetry it is more with people staying consistent with how they have it then if it is technically right or wrong.


Theme

I think this is a great little observation in a small but powerful poem with some even more wit to it than realized. Since, wit is usually something shot back at someone for something another says, your double meaning with using this action of "spiting" creates a delightful response in practicing what the line hails as good wisdom.

A very well done creative poem!

THANK YOU for WRITING AND SHARING

OH YEAH, welcome to WDC


Keep on Trucking


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112
112
Review by Radler Zpheitor
In affiliation with  
Rated: ASR | N/A (Review only item.)
This is for a package from "Invalid Item" .

Your friend Marsha Musselman gifted you four reviews.

Hope you enjoy them!



Poetry Reviews

2 of 2



overall- I think this is a great poem from your youth even though it was during a hard time for you. I've read it and thought of some suggestions for the poem (mostly dealing with the flow of the words which is understandable like you say in one of your other poems from your youth) but instead I'm doing something else with this review. Or I hope I can be a bit persuasive in the matter.


Youth poems and editing:

I understand you don't want to edit the poems in your folder of your youth because of the feelings in them and you don't want to disrupt those feelings. However, I don't think it would hurt those feelings if you harnessed them with your poetic knowledge you have acquired throughout the years. fixing things don't hurt the feelings but helps them to become more clear after the fact. Now it may hurt going back to those poems or may help going back to those poem to see how far you've grown from them and both of these things are import.

Now in editing your old stuff, I do think you should keep the older copy. Just because you edit something it doesn't mean you discard what you once had. In a poem anthology I have they have a couple poems next to their revisions and possible explanations of those changes. This is a great way to do things to keep homage of your old as well as bring its beauty out more with a different perspective from when you wrote the poem. I hope that you reconsider against what most of use do in letting old stuff never changing unlike the perspective of the aging mind. Just remember your perspective might of changed and your feelings in the situation but the expressions are all yours no matter what.

Final thoughts:

Sorry this wasn't a review review like the last one I did. I just hope that you can take yourself back into that time with your current mind and make those moments from long ago shine brighter with experience and knowledge.


Side note: I like your "epic poem" you thought you were writing in your folder as well. and I want to give you some advice about it. Which is take your "own advice" and answer that poem back with another poem from yourself. then read them in sequence. You may be amazed.


Thanks for the great READS!


Keep on Trucking


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113
113
Review by Radler Zpheitor
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Prompt

I liked your use of the prompt. The imagery you use along the tree limbs and how the whispers don't get touched and almost not heard is amazing. Also, with the use of this field that is devoid of t humans gives an awing breath release wrapped around the gasp of an ancient haiku. Very well constructed and felt.


Suggestion

I do have one suggestion which is a bit strange in some sense but hopefully I can make it clear enough to make sense. In the third stanza you have this fragment overlapping line one and two:

"-with/words of newness-"

The problem I see is that these words need to be new to make sense in the poem with the title, however, in another sense they cant be new because it is a whisper of God and therefor must always be present. So to me "words of newness" doesn't quite get that feeling of God always being present and words being new to the person in the poem (of course I'm being ultra-picky because this poem is so good). So my suggestion is to change this to something about "awareness" instead of "newness" so that these whispered words could hold true in both of these principles of being new to the person as well as consistent with God always being present.

"-from/unknown awareness-"
"-with/new awareness-"
"-with/anew-ed awareness-"

like I said before I'm being ultra-extremely picky about your poem since I think it is GREAT!

Thanks for sharing this AMAZING read and good luck in the contest.


Keep on Trucking


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114
114
Review of Justice  
Review by Radler Zpheitor
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is for a package from "Invalid Item" .

Your friend Marsha Musselman gifted you 2 reviews.

Hope you enjoy them!



Reviews

2 of 2



Technically this is a third review however the first one wasn't seen publicly because it was a comment only review. So, I felt like doing one more review to fulfill my auction obligation. So lets get reviewing.

Overall- I understand this is an opinion on a subject but I think you should do more with it. I think this is good start to being a nice essay discussion about our legal system. This is a big subject and to take on a subject of such magnitude it needs to be a bit more in-depth than how you present it. However, in this brief essay you did bring up some great concerns and I think you should attempt to expand on them a bit more.

the reason why I gave this opinion of yours a 3.5 is because I think you could of elaborated on your thoughts and insights a bit more, instead of just saying one statement and then moving on. I'm not saying that your opinion is wrong or write, bad or good, just that I would like to read more of it to understand your overall feelings of this situations, about your feelings towards the justice system, and if you think there is another way in which to go about the legal process. It would be a joy to read and understand so someone should discuss the situation with you.

things I like and agree with:

"It is more likely that they were just trying to sway the jury to their side."- the true of the matter is this is the point of the prosecutor and defenders job. Justice is suppose to be cared out in the assignment of the information by these people. Is this a good or bad thing? there are many ways to go about this explanation and in a review isn't the time to state my opinion on the matter. But I like what you are getting at.

I also like your main point with your simply stated question: "Justice?" it makes the reader thing more deeply about the issue than just thinking about this one situation but "justice" as a universal term.

Final thoughts:

I thought your opinion was clear and to the point however I would like to see a lot more because I think you have more to say about the issue at hand and would like to hear it.

thanks for the read.

Keep on Trucking











Keep on Trucking


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115
115
Review of Missed Good-Byes  
Review by Radler Zpheitor
In affiliation with  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)

Overall- I think you did a great job with this poem specially since you don't usually write poetry. Maybe you youse try it more often.

Here are a few suggestions that you could either take or disregard in the creation of your poem. Don't forget these are just my own thoughts and your decision is the one that really matters in how you want your feelings to be reflected in this poem.

Suggestions:

"Whom I never said good-bye" at the end of this line I think you need some punctuation. Why? well this idea kind of stops on this line and I don't think it goes to well into the next idea conceptually. It works together it just needs some stopped here. I would use a semi-colon because this line is connecting to missed good-byes but they are separated. I was thinking a period at first but I think that might be too much so a semi-colon should be fine.

the line below I think could be handled a bit different punctuation wise as well:

"To my friend,
Just a kid,"

Instead of the commas I think you could parenthesis:

To my friend
(Just a kid)
Who left it all behind.

I think this represents the statement you are trying to make a bit better (plus I have a fascination with well placed parenthesis in poems). It almost like it points it out well making it a side thought at the same time.

"...happening," in this line I would take out the comma. This is more of a style thing plus I think while doing this you should make the next lines punctuation "I wish it wasn’t so," into a semi-colon instead of a comma so both the lines would kinda look like so:

"I wish it wasn’t happening
I wish it wasn’t so;"

well now thinking about it you might still want to keep the first comma however I think the second one would work better as a semi-colon. Why? well, with the next statement coming up I think there needs to be a greater amount of pause because its more of an intimate moment. Since it is more intimate, there needs some more time to say this and gather yourself which I believe the semi-colon produces.

“I love you”.- the period should be inside not outside the quotation marks.

"And know that I miss you."- this ending line needs to be a bit stronger with emotion. I think its a good line but the "that" doesn't do much. Its more of a blemish or an eyesore in this very emotional poem. There are a few different ways to vanquish this "that." One way is through a punctuation representation, like in music rest and space sometimes make the best sounds and meaning:

"And know- I miss you all." I added the all just for some more emphases.
"And know...I miss you"
"And know...I miss you" also sometimes some formatting can change the expression of a line.

the other way is with adding some words instead of "that":

"And know how much I miss you." there are other words too you could probably think up but these were the only ones I could think of at the moment.

Final thoughts:

I know this poem was hard for you to write but I think you did a great job and that all the people in the poem would be proud to be mention in this dedication to them.

Thanks for the read.


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116
116
Review by Radler Zpheitor
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I saw a review of this essay/story/question answer on the public review page. I started reading it and decided to review it since I read it. Since I read this story I decided it only makes sense to review it so I am.

I think it's great you want to get more connected to your Native America ancestry and that you are learning about them through the group on WDC. I also think you did a great job in presenting why you want to learn more about this heritage in this essay and I hope you enjoy your journey on the way through your learning. This wasn't the reason why I wanted to review this story. The reason why I wanted to do this review is because I wanted to explain something about the other side of your heritage.

I'm not Jewish in any way or form however I've studied the people and the religion through various philosophy and sociology courses throughout my college carer. One of the most fascinating about being Jewish is that it is both a religion and a heritage. What does this mean? well there are usually two aspects of being Jewish the one involving the religious obligation and the other involved with the social aspects. Usually if someone is Jewish this aspect of their life supersedes their national or country of origin that their ancestors come from and you can't really say that all Jews come from Israel because the concept of this country isn't that old in a historical sense. I think the reason for this is the nomadic nature of their history as well as the Holocaust and other tragedies that happened to the Jewish people. So I'm saying their are many people that are purely Jewish in a more social/heritage form (as in almost a national pride of culture and foods and all that stuff) and in a strictly spiritual religious association as well with the the other social/heritage aspects.

I wish you luck on your quest of learning and hope you produce more writings to accompany it.

thanks for the read.

Keep on Trucking


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117
117
Review of The Big Race  
Review by Radler Zpheitor
In affiliation with  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
This is for "SHERRI'S SIZZLING SUMMER AUCTION CLOSED"  package you bought.
Thanks for your participation.


Short Story Reviews

1 of 2




Overall- this is a very funny story. I think you came up a great idea with this plot and that now you have time to go back to the story you should extend it and make it a bit stronger.


In your request of me, to review this short story, you asked me two things. Tense help and the other in making this story stronger. I think I have some ideas that will help you out in this story.

Suggestions:

I think the best or easiest way to fix this story with its tense as well as with making it stronger is in structuring the story in a different way. Why? well, for the beginning of this story you have the referee waiting at the finish line. This waiting is a very passive thing and it doesn't really engage the reader all to well in my eyes. So what do you do? You start with the betting would be the best thing for many different reasons.

One: this story needs more attention placed on the runners of the race.

Two: the ambiguity you write with about the objects in which the characters are betting with is intriguing. It makes the reader want to know what they are betting with, which is a very good thing. Plus, the features of the characters make another interesting notion to the reader so they want to read on further.

Three: having the characters betting is more active then a guy waiting for the characters have the betting.

four: doing it this way would allow you to use the referee as the point of view for the story which might be a fun idea (you don't have to try this and in fact it might be a lot of work and is more of a side suggestion).

five: It would make the beginning and ending wrap up nicer in this fashion since you will be starting and ending with the racers instead of starting with the referee and ending with the racers.


other suggestions: I think you should do some more descriptions of the funniness of the runners. I understand this was a story that was written in a short amount of time but now that this ideas skeleton is down I think you can build on it. You need to describe more of the people running or trying to run. Maybe how it looks like slow motion, maybe how their bodies move instead of their cloths, maybe have the falling be more of a slow motion accident of them tripping over their own excess body jiggle. All of these things will make this story more funny.

Final thoughts:

some of your descriptions are good but I think you need to suggest more towards how these people look instead of images of other types of falling. for example you mention in this story about one guy falling like a foot ball half-back. I think this takes away some of the fun of this story instead of adding intensity. Plus, the more active description of the racers will help with the tense issue you are concerned about.

other than some things I think this story is hilarious and worth some working over to make it longer.

thanks for the read.


Keep on Trucking


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118
118
Review by Radler Zpheitor
Rated: E | (4.0)

hey Ben

I came to your poem randomly and decided to read it and see if I could help ya any. HOPE I CAN.

overall- I like this poems idea and as usual you have great rhythm and timing to the whole poem. This is not where the minor probably I see in this poem.

The problem I see is that it seems very disconnected. You have the set up of the people on the bus for two stanzas and then you talk about the gods and fates separately for two stanzas, well actually more for almost two since you use the last two lines or the last line to bring the poem back to the beginning story. This set up is fine and all but to me it seems dis-conjoined. I think you need to have the mythical parts and the story parts more interlocking than as separate issues. I understand this maybe hard to do and that you might have a lot to rewrite if you do make such a switch but I do think it will turn out better overall.

One suggestion:

maybe if you use the meeting of Zeus and Europa as a comparative love story with the one that doesn't happen do impart of Zeus falling in love with Europa. The only thing is I think these stories need to be happening side by side to get the right relation or one stanza your love that doesnt happen then the next one the one about Zeus and his own love. I think this will work a bit better then having this one story and then this other thing happening.

a different suggestion for towards your present poem:

I'm not that great with meter overall but to me this line seems very long:

"What happy times might we have shared if we'd been made aware, "

its kind of visibly longer than all of the other first lines so I was wondering if it might be off a bit. I could be wrong because sometimes the visual aspects of the meter doesn't always show but this one even seems a bit longer when I was reading it. So I just wanted to point this out.

Final thoughts:

like I said before the two stories seem to separate and need to be either intertwined within a stanza as in the first two lines are about the bus story and the last two about Zeus or you could do an interlocking with the first and third be one topic and the second and third another.

I don't know if the these reorganizing thoughts will help you with your poem or not but I hope they do help in some way.


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119
119
Review of Just The One  
Review by Radler Zpheitor
In affiliation with Rainbow Madness ~ Reviews and...  
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Title

this title is fitting, however I think if you had a different title from the repeated part of the poem it would make the poem even better. The poem is good as it stands and I like it very much but I think the if you reword the title into something that is almost like the repeated line say maybe like it but not in the same words and or if it was completely different. I mean you could call it "I Found You Once" or "Instances of You" or "A Collection of Moments"

Something with a bit more collecting all of these one times together so that they add up to more (are math jokes allowed on this site, I think I might be in trouble *Bigsmile*)


Rhythm

I think this has a great rhythm throughout this poem and you did a great job with it. However, I don't think you need the extra repeated line of "Just the one"

Now I'm not a huge fan of repeating in poems in general. however I think you did a wonderful job in the lines that end with "just the one." but the repeat of that line after that first "just the one" spoils your brilliance of having a repeating line that doesn't seem too repetitive which is very hard to do well in my opinion.

other than those single lines of "Just the one." I think this is great!

you might want to change the "I said just the one"-

I said, "Just the one." this may make the repeat of that line unneeded or maybe it wouldn't work. Truthfully I can't decide either way but merely a suggestion.

randomness

just wanted to have some fun. I think this poem would also work well in a different structure (this doesn't mean I want you to change it, truthfully I like yours a lot, just a thought for another poem that might be like this one) Plus sometimes people get stuck in their ways and only see poems in that way so I like to shake things up a bit just to provoke different variations of thought. Ok, so I might be bored but really Im not.

my idea was instead of making this poem into couplets try some shorter lines for fun:

"I was fishing in a bed of roses, when you came along.
You asked if I had caught that many, I said just the one."

here is your first stanza:


"I was fishing in a bed of roses,
when you came along.
You asked if I had caught that many,
I said just the one."

or you can divide it further:


"I was fishing
in a bed of roses,
when you came along.
You asked me
if I caught many,
I said just the one."

this can be one stanza or two stanza:

"I was fishing
in a bed of roses,
when you came along.

You asked me
if I caught many,
I said just the one."

I think I like it better as two (I added me and took out a few words to re organize the flow to put it in this form just to show you how it would look). anyway I was doing this just to show you how the line length ends up changing the inflection and mood of the poem and is something you might want to consider or just listen to me babble about. either, way I enjoyed the read.

Great JOb!

welcome to WDC!

Keep on Trucking


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120
120
Review by Radler Zpheitor
In affiliation with Rainbow Madness ~ Reviews and...  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Title

I like the title I think it works well as an overall theme. Well, you do need to capitalize the second two words but besides that I think it works out fine for this poem.

overall- there confusing part for me is why you repeat most of the poem. I don't understand if you are trying to create some emphasize to the poem or if you did that by accident and didn't realize it or any other reason for having most of the poem repeated. If this was suppose to be lyrics instead of a poem it would make a bit more sense. As far as repeating goes, I'm not a huge fan of it in general; however it is fine to do and do not let anyone to tell you otherwise.

Now with your repeating I think it is a bit much because you repeat most of the poem. Usually when repeating you only want to repeat a single line or two unless it is for a song which usually has a chorus which is the repeating section. Anyway, I think your words do fine the first time around and do not need any repeating to help it along.

I think taking it out will make the poem as a whole work a lot better and make the idea a lot more cohesive.

thanks for the read.

welcome to WDC.


Keep on Trucking


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121
121
Review of Point Blank  
Review by Radler Zpheitor
In affiliation with Rainbow Madness ~ Reviews and...  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Title

This title might be a bit off but truthfully I cant really tell. Its vague enough to be encompassing the poem but also not quite to the point enough to give a good reflection to the poem. This is fine but I would like to understand why you used this title for this poem? It's not that it is wrong it just seems like there is more to it than there is and I was wondering what that might be.

Rhythm

in this poem the rhythm of your lines seem to be about the same but I think the flow from line to line is a bit choppy. What do I mean? well each line has its own thought which is fine but these thoughts do not carry themselves to the next lines because of the way in which you start each line. starting each line with "the, I, your...etc" brings a new starting point to each line disconnecting the lines by line feel which intern makes some of your rhymes feel forced. for instance:

"A panic strike with tactical precision.
I rush to judgment, an immediate decision."

these two lines the first two lines of the poem are fine because they are connected quite well through your meaning so it doesnt seem that forced. However, the next two lines:

"The pit of your stomach, the pit of despair,
The feel of the phantom limb that's not there."

these lines seem a bit forced since their meaning is disconnected. Making it obvious why you had to go this wrote with the line to create a rhyme that follows. Usually, you want to make it so the rhyme isn't apparent but there still, you usually do this with a good set up to the ending word. I'm not great at this at all since most of my poems don't rhyme however, many people on WDC are good at it and I think its worth while to read some of these poems to see how hidden their rhymes are in their poems constructing.

also with this idea of meaning and rhymes and rhythm and lines I think you need to look at each of your stanzas and notice how the top two lines is about one thing and the bottom two about other things. I think it would be a better presented these things in a more weaved fashion so the meaning distinction isn't that apparent which I think will also make the rhyming not as apparent. instead of having the rhymes next to each other why not try having the rhymes every other line so they don't seem as apparent. I'm not sure if this will work with this poem but you might want to try it with another.

The other thing with this structure is that I don't think it conveys the feelings in this poem that well. I almost seems a bit too happy for me and I think if you used a slightly longer line it might turn out to be a bit more in the emotion you are trying to establish.


randomness

Basically I'm trying to point out that the structure of the poem and the meaning of the poem should be considered together instead of not. they both work off each other and gives the poem a better strength to the poems meaning as well as the flow and so forth.

Other then that I think you did a good job with how you used the words you did but I think that they could of been set up a bit better.

thanks for the read and welcome to WDC


Keep on Trucking


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122
122
Review of Hawk  
Review by Radler Zpheitor
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is for "CRC's Back To The Grind Auction"  package you bought.
Thanks for your participation.


Poetry Reviews

2 of 3



overall- I like the depiction of the hawk about to come down from the branch to get its food on the ground. I think you do a great job with explaining what is happening second by second as well as the way in which you describe each second of attack.

Suggestion and other comments:

overall I think you need to organize the structure of your stanzas a bit differently. you do a great job of having a main idea of each stanza and then the following parts talk about the actions or that main topic. I think you need to separate the main topic so it is all alone. For instance:

"On a dead branch, perched,"

"On a dead branch
Perched:"

with this line I would put perched on a line by itself (as seen above). It not only singles out the main idea on the top line but also the main description of the hawk on the branch in the second line below it. Also this really homes in on this birds action of waiting in my eyes. I used a colon because that's what I would probably use in that case but whichever punctuation you feel most comfortable please use. I do have another issue with this stanza and this phrase, I understand you are foreshadowing with the dead branch but I don't think it works that well with the bronzing leaves. It makes the tree seem dead when it might be fall. I think it would be a bit better if you talked more about the claws digging into the live tree instead of it making the tree dead. However, the bronzing leaves has a great visual with the feathers of the hawk so it would be a said thing to lose. It doesn't matter either with a change or with out a change it was just something I needed to comment on.

I think you should change all the other stanzas like I did with the first one since they all have the same type of set up. But that's if you think it will help the poem. the only one that is a bit tricky is the last one:

"Examining beneath claw-trap," since it isn't exactly like the other stanzas I would make it like them because I like the rhythm you developed throughout this poem.

"Examining claws
Trap beneath,"

something like this to mimic the different variations of that theme you kept throughout the other stanzas.

other then this little structural suggestion I think you did a great job with this poem.

Oh yeah one other thing. I think you could give this a better title not that yours isn't good but more commanding of the events that's happening. How so? maybe "Feeding Time" or "The Natural Course" I think that's all I can think of at the moment.

thanks for the great read.



Keep on Trucking


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123
123
Review of Lady Awaits  
Review by Radler Zpheitor
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is for "CRC's Back To The Grind Auction"  package you bought.
Thanks for your participation.


Poetry Reviews

1 of 3




Overall- I love the imagery you have in this poem. It creates a great picture of this lady dress to the best for a man to come and get her. I like how you describe her body as well as things related to her body as you did with the "Lady's fragile china cup" this gives a great depiction of the lady and her actions at the same time.


Suggestions:

Now you told me before starting this review you would like a way in which to make this poem stronger. Now the problem with this poem isn't the words you use or the imagery that you produced. The point that isn't clear is the point of waiting you are trying to produce. you use the words "she waits" between each stanza but I think you could produce a better outcome of this without using these words. How? you need some more elements of time in this poem as well as more length to the poem. To create ore time into the poem I think the poem needs to be longer. Maybe start with the lady getting ready, maybe have her do some more things around the house before he comes in, maybe describe some more of the surroundings so you can get some more words in so the poem becomes longer.

You also need some more elements of time within this piece to have passing of time. Now you told me before hand that you want the lady in this poem to seem like waiting but not a nervous wait. To do this is a bit tricky yet I think it could be done. So, what do you do? well instead of having her show the passing of time you have the things around you showing the passing of time. For instance:have her hoops swing at steady intervals, have her dress crinkle under a gentle adjustment, have something about dust settling on something, make the tea kettle start from unboiled to boiling point, have a change of light through the window, have some more doors creek about when her man comes in. Basically you need to add all those little utterances of life you don't notice until you are waiting for them and then when they happen you cant have the character react to them but just wait for this guy to come. Also, the "she waits" in between each stanza makes it seem that see is a bit annoyed that she is waiting so I think it would be better if you took them out or at least didn't have so many of them. For instance if you decide to start with her getting ready then you wouldn't have the "she waits" at the point until she was at the point of waiting.

I think what you have is great but I don't think it conveys what you want, as we discussed before this review. So, don't element these great parts but add much much more to make this poem stronger than it is now.

thanks for the read.



Keep on Trucking


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124
124
Review of The Mountains  
Review by Radler Zpheitor
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is for "CRC's Back To The Grind Auction"  package you bought.
Thanks for your participation.


Poetry Reviews

1 of 5





Overall I like this string of haikus. I think you did a great job in keeping with the nature theme that is in the typical haiku form. I think these four work well together, however I think you could of made each haiku a bit more individualized so that each one of the haikus could stand alone.


Suggestions:

I think this poem would work even better if you swap the first and last stanzas with each other. Why? the last stanza sets the stage a bit better in my eyes. You get this sense of the importance of this one single mountain standing alone looking out over the kingdom of nature. Plus, "Finally breathing" is a great line to end on. It is a complete exhale of the enlightenment you get from the words you present to us.

With this switch you could switch the middle two stanzas too but I actually like them as is. But play around with different combinations to see which one feels right for you.

I do have some line suggestions:

well the first one isn't a suggestion just a point of reference. In your first stanza you talk about the crisp mountain air I want to point out that mountain air is thinner then the air below. You probably knew this but I was wondering if taking thin air in would fill the soul as much as other air? more of something to ponder about one day and is actually very thought provoking.

"Nothing to forget"- I would change this to "Nothing to regret" Why? well I think it flows a bit better and describes the simply life and melody of a bird a bit better. Then again I'm a pretty negative person sometimes so you might not like how it fits.

"Green is the color"- how about "Green growing color" or "Growing green color" why? well I think it does more with the line. I dont thing you need to use the word growing for sure but I think this line could bring a bit more power into this stanza. and I think growing does that by giving a bit more movement and purpose to the green color.


the only other thing I think you could of done with this poem was give some more prevalence to the mountain itself. You are really talking about the actions around the mountain or the beauty around the mountain instead of this mountain being beauteous itself. I think that your stronger statements are not quite about the mountain which is why I said this poem is about the surroundings of the mountain.

You could give the nature the voice instead of the onlooker aka the writer or persona in the poem the human traits. for instance:

"The crisp mountain air"

this statement is a human reflection as well with most of the statements in the stanzas. Meaning that it is more of the person looking at this area instead of this land being the mountains area. I hope you understand what I mean and if you don't just ask me and I'll try and explain it another way. Anyway, I think the mountains should be the voice of itself instead of a person reflecting on it in order to show the real beauty of the mountains of the land. Either way it works but I think this would add a different element to it all together.

thanks for the read.


Keep on Trucking


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125
125
Review of Good Conversation  
Review by Radler Zpheitor
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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Your friend Ben Langhinrichs gifted you 2 reviews.

Hope you enjoy them!



Short Story Reviews

2 of 2




Overall- I love the interactions and the feelings in this little meeting of two people. It was brilliant in its routine action but even better with the well development of the characters.

suggestions:

Actually wait I just notice I got the characters mixed up in my head so this doesn't apply that much however I think you need to do this paragraph that I mention a bit lower a bit differently

you might want to have the bartender poke his head into the conversation or something once more maybe asking if they want another or telling kyra something else she always has to be told. Not really a big deal or anything I just think he should make another appearance before the ending. Actually you could use him to fix a different issue. What issue is this? the paragraph that starts with:

"Rob’s ears perked up...."


this part of the story gets confusing. How so? well I think its two long. How dare I, right? well its too long for a more minor character to be so concentrated on. I mean hes important but it gets a bit to involved with the mind set of this bartender listening in. Plus I think you could divulge the information you want to say in a bit less detail. he knows to much of the teachers mind with is a bit awkward since you said that the bartender only knows her on the surface. its more of an information drop than Rob being amused that she never says she is a teacher. I think that's the only thing you really need to get across.

overall thoughts: I think this is great and I'm sorry the review is a bit confusing since I read the names wrong of the characters. However that might mean that the other guy in the bar wasnt mentioned much but I wouldn't read my misread in that way. But I do think it helped me to figure out that this great story just needs that one little change of shorting up that long diverting paragraph from your great feel for an occasional interaction of a person at a bar.

Great Job!



Keep on Trucking


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