Do I need a reason to review?
Overall-I think this poem is great! I love the meanderings of the lost criminal mind in their cell. It's a very scary thought that this prisoner is so lost that they don't even know why they are in the cell in the first place. Well put together in between the mind as well as the thoughts of being locked up in the cell. One general comment of the whole poem is that I would like some smaller lines in this poem (this is more of a style thing and I happen to like short lines over longer ones). Even though smaller lines is more of a style issue I think that shorter lines could be better for this poem because then some of the lines could show the meaning a little bit more clearer. In this review I will show some instances in how you could rearrange the poem a bit different but it doesn't mean you should (more of a translation of how I see your lines could be and some food for thought for this poem and other great poems you might write).
Title
I like this title very much. It is straight forward and to the point, as well as giving the reader a bit of wonderment in what will be happening in this poem before reading it. All of these things make a great title and really adds to the poem. THANKS! (I LOVE good titling)
Rhythm/Structure
I think your rhythm is well done. It's both hectic where it needs to be, for this dwindling mind, as well as easy to follow and read. I did find some points in where you could leave out some of the words, for instance:
"I cannot even recall the reasoning of my existence in this desolate location." - this line could be cleaned up a bit, some of the words make it a bit muddled on the tongue when you say it out loud. Mostly, the "I cannot even recall..." gets a bit stuck on the tongue with the word "even" It's not really necessary to be said as well. I would write this part of the line as well as the whole line a bit shorter.
"I cannot recall the reasoning of my existence in this desolate location." well I only took out even but truthfully as I said before, in this review I would also shorten your line length differently. For this one line I would make it two or three lines:
"I cannot recall the reasoning
of my existence in this desolate location."
"I cannot recall the reasoning
of my existence
in this desolate location."
another three line variation:
"I cannot recall
the reasoning of my existence
in this desolate location."
Notice: in all of these line interpretations I try to have each line have a certain subject pertaining to it. I was told that lines are for the "eyes and meaning" of the poem by some much better poets than myself. It's been making more and more sense to me now as I read more and more poetry. There are many other lines in which you could do this throughout your whole poem. Plus, I think having these shorter lines would make the separation from one "Tap. Tap. Tap." to the next one have more space with would I think would intensify their purpose.
even though this isn't a rhythm problem I think it would help to discuss this now:
"Why? Does anybody remember who I am, where I am, who?"- in this line the "why?" doesn't seem to belong with this line and to me it makes this one line confusing. the "why?" to me seems like it should be next to the tapping, with prisoner 56 questioning the "why" they are doing it and then the next meandering thought of their thoughts come in. However, after writing this I discovered that the "Why? Does anybody remember who I am, where I am, who?" is really the thing that needs to be broken up to help out this situation and I'm sorry about the confusion:
"He never sleeps. Not one night,
always tapping, always tapping.
Why? Does anybody remember
who I am, where I am, who?"
"He never sleeps. Not one night, always tapping,
always tapping. Why? Does anybody remember
who I am, where I am, who?"
"He never sleeps.
Not one night, always tapping,
always tapping. Why?
Does anybody remember
who I am, where I am, who?"
"He never sleeps.
Not one night,
always tapping,
always tapping.
Why?
Does anybody remember
who I am,
where I am,
who?"
here are some other variations of those same three lines of the second stanza. notice how I construct the meanings of certain lines with my assessment in where I think they belong or how they could be written in different forms of lines. in the last line of this same stanza you have "I am called by Prisoner 56..." this fragment seems wordy to me. I would actually write it line so:
"For now I know only that I am Prisoner 56..."
I end up taking out "called by" which to me seems a bit redundant. and the character to me would be more direct with this thought. there are other ways in which you could write this line as well. You have a few other cases like this and I think those lines could be shortened as well.
Randomness
I think if you end up making shorter lines you could add a couple more "Tap. Tap. Tap." to make some nice subject transition. It is a great tool to use for this reason and I think you've used it nicely in where you have it but you could add more if you have more space between those actions. This is more so it doesn't seem too redundant and more like that interval of spaced annoyance.
One last thing: in my opinion I think the stanza that starts with "He never sleeps...." should be the last one of this poem. It will make an awesome cycle from title to the ending of "For now I know only that I am called by Prisoner 56..." which would linger and resonate within the readers mind. To me it would make the conclusion and the meaning of the whole poem as powerful as the concept you tackled with your well placed words.
THANKS FOR THE READ!
Keep on Trucking
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