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Poetry Reviews
2 of 5
"Rainbows ribboned across sunlit skies
and I splashed in muddy puddles"
I like this line combination a lot but I think it would flow better with some different different punctuation.
"Rainbows ribboned across sunlit skies;
I splashed in muddy puddles,"
I think I mainly did this change to take out the "and" connecting these two lines. Actually, the punctuation probably isn't necessary if you just took out the "and" anyway but I think the punctuation is a nice touch. For some reasons I don't like "and's" so it might be some mental distorter I have and not really a poetic hindrance.
It took me a long time and a discussion with one of my friends on wdc to wrap my mind around this poem. I understood what the poem was saying in getting beyond the past memories and regrets of life to be able to continue on with life. However, in the formation a confusion happened and I was wondering what your intention was. I liked how most of this was actually a split second or whatever duration of time, inside a persons head and that you separated this issue with the elongated line. My point of wondering-confusion is right before the the closing line. To me, these lines:
"climbing to new heights
unburdened by the weighted terrors"
shouldn't be inside the elongated line or outside the elongated line but in a different transitional state since they are the new forms of continuing life (also it would break up the twirling and spiraling that I think you described really well but continued with a bit excessively).
So the actual question: what is your intention with those two lines I just noted? are they a transition from the past into the present? or are they just a sag way?
I like the imagery of the poem however it seems to hide some of the meaning of the poem at times.
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Poetry Reviews
1.5 of 5
sometimes I find a small poem in a persons port and have to review it. This often happens to me when doing auction reviews and I simple count it as .5 of one of the reviews. It's a good thing, you end up getting more reviews overall. More bang for the buck as they say. WHO ARE THEY? oh yeah the review:
Overall- after reading this poem the first time a huge smile washed over my eyes and I was simply delighted by this tightly woven poem before me about some big animals. The image that you created in these 8 quick lines was great and humorous.
In your construction of this little poem I loved how you used certain words that sounded a like as well as looked a like creating an easy to read mind twisted rumbling deep in your brain.
Great Job with all of that.
suggestions:
I think this poem could use some more punctuation or even different punctuation.
inelegant elephants - in this line I would actually put it in parentheses. Why? i think it would be a nice little gesture because the elephants don't know how they act so I think it should be a side note that is hushed so they couldn't hear it. It's almost like your joking with them before they show you their power in the next 4 lines.
Where you have the period in the 4th line I would make it a semi-colon. (I'm starting to notice a trend on my own reviewing that I like punctuation however I feel like I'm not always doing it right. I tend to do it as breath marks and phrasing as in how music is written since I've been doing music much longer than writing). Why the semi-colon? I think that this piece is one thought in general dealing with the elephants and think it shouldn't be stopped in a completely thought in the middle but more as a giant pause.
I loved the wording and the imagery and the funny and confused elephants.
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Poetry Reviews
1 of 5
I think I know what you are trying to portray in this poem but I think its getting very confused. Why, is it confusing? Your conclusion stanza (the third one) is complete and rich with meaning. However, the first two stanzas seem to be teetering onto something different then the outcome in the third stanza.
(please tell me if I'm viewing your message wrong and if so help me out with your meaning so I can try and help you the best I can.)
I think you need to pick out your focus for this poem before the flow of the lines and word choices could be teased closer to completion.
How to do this?
First of all, you need to decide if you want to do a comparison between the way in which people see things in cities and the way in which people see things in the country. Or if you want to talk about how people must look deeper to understand the importance and beauty of things.
If you want to do the second option that you conclude very nicely in the third stanza; you shouldn't, do a compare and contrast with city and country ideologies. Why? Personally I think it gets confusing with your final statement and the connection doesn't quite work in the contrast of thought. You could use both of the ideologies in needing people to understand the real beauty or importance of things by needing to look at things deeper but you should do this in say how in the city you have to do such and such to understand the deepness of things and in the country you have to do it such and such to understand the deepness of things. SO you need to not do as if they are confuting methods but different methods of looking deeper.
Now if you want you could do the whole comparison of the city world and the country world and how those different groups of people in those areas view things. Which is fine as well, but like I said before, it wouldn't go along with the conclusion made in the present third stanza.
I know this might not be a typical review for you but it's also not a typical reviewing job for myself. I just feel that once the source direction is clearly perceived that I can do my best with the individual lines them self.
I hope this helps you with the direction of this poem.
The reason I gave this rating is because of the way it seems like two different poems instead of one. The whole thing is I like both different poems I see in this one poem but I don't really see them as being together. I will raise the rating though if you fix this up or if you tell me I was completely wrong about the meaning of the poem and need to go back and read it again.
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Poetry Reviews
5 of 5
This is my favorite poem of yours I reviewed. I thought you used this form to it's fullest potential and I'm glad you went out of your comfort zone to produce it.
One reason for me liking this poem more then the others is it doesn't have rhyme in it. I tend to not rhyme in my poems because I feel rhyming is out of my comfort zone and I don't think I do it well. One day I hope I can branch out as you did to a form I'm not comfortable with. Granted I've been trying new forms but mostly ones that dont rhyme. But enough of me.
I love how you set up each stanza with the two syllable introduction, being a connective point as well as a connective point two the stanza before it.
the only thing I don't particularly like is the second to last stanza. Why? I feel that the first two lines are redundant of the last two lines of the stanza before it. Actually maybe its the repeat of the word "heaven" falling to close to the "heaven" in the previous stanza throwing things of balance. I'm not saying it makes it completely bad and that it needs to be changed completely, just that it seems noticeable and if you have a solution for this recurrence then go for it otherwise leave it alone.
otherwise I love this poem and all it's depictions of the lovers in their bed.
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Poetry Reviews
5 of 5
Overall-this is a great emotionally charged poem of lost that swells from past colors that remind the persona of that love being gone from them.
you use "green eyes" in the first and the third stanza to stay with your color theme I would take the green eyes out of the first stanza since that is the blue stanza. The color blending isn't that great for these early stanzas because it causes some confusion to the reader and the theme get ruined overall.
"Brown hair hasn’t been brushed With no reason to make an effort"
this line I put bold seems to be a bit out of the rhythm of the whole poem and I figured out some other alternatives that seem to flow a little better however I don't know if they go with the mood of your poem.
"With no reason for an effort"
"No reason, to make an effort"
"The last gift she had given"- I would make these bold words into "gave" instead. It rolls of the tongue a bit easier and gives a nice little pause before the you have to read the next line.
Despite the few little picky things I found I think this poem is outstanding in the way it's told and shown and doesn't need much work except the enjoyment of an occasional read from time to time.
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Poetry Reviews
3 of 5
overall- the setting of this poem is amazing. what you did in these three little brief lines is not just explain the atmosphere of the place but also the emotion of the church all together.
However after you do these first three lines you need to have some of that punctuations nonsense you hate so much. I really don't know which one I would actually put in here but I was thinking colon but it could probably also be a semi-colon.
In sticking with your usual non-punctuation ways I think that's the only actually punctuation you need for certain because of the huge subject switch from the atmosphere of the church to the action of the people in the church. It's not that you need to show there is a difference just that there is a natural halt that needs further emphasis.
Other than that I think this poem is a great little piece and shows the reader a very illuminated picture that captures the spirit of the moment and the ritual.
this is a very fitting title, it encompasses a ritual that has been in many cultures that have honored this time of year through some sort of festival being it agricultural and or spiritual. Also, with your poem you bring out the meaning of what the plants are actually doing in their rotation that we don't see from earth. It's great how you construct this to be a dance between the people and the planets embarking on a dance of a joyous time.
Structure
I like how you constructed this with the almost repeating line in this half refrain style, that goes perfectly with how people would be doing this in a dance and each turn becomes a new view from a different area.
randomness
the imagery is wonderful and moving and the ending has a nice strong philosophical line. I think you did an outstanding job in constructing this wonderful poem.
since this is your first time with this contest. I've decided to help you out.
"What is it like underwater?"
"It's absolutely beautiful here,..."
For this contest if you use it's it means that you are using it is. Basically, what I'm getting at is that you repeated it and is.
"One place not found on land."
"Watch your step, don't wanna..." - you repeated not because don't has not in it.
"...but will be back."
"...would be this sub flooding,..." you repeated.
"Wait for me..."
"...headed for ocean floor." you repeated.
I think this is a nice little story. However, you have a few repeats which is not good for the contest.
Also, it's a bit choppy and could be a cleaned up a bit for fluidity.
maybe if you cut down on the sentences and produce some more dialogue then you might be able to finagle this story out a bit better.
I think its a pretty good job for your first attempt.
even though this is meant to be nonsensical it does create a tragic and emotional depiction.
you can feel the fear and confusion and the hurt and the brutality which might come but might not as well.
I like the hectic bouncy rhythm of the short snip bit lines showing this and that.
It's like you don't know whats coming up next but in a good and fun way
but the thing that does com up is horrifying.
"I am" I think you should make this "I'm" because I think it rolls a bit better then using "I am" then again I tend to use contractions more often in poetry anyway since you're suppose to be speaking it instead of strictly reading it.
I don't think you need those long exstended hyphens in the poem either. They don't add anything substantial and seem more annoying taking away from this great little poem.
Theme
Now to the better part of the review. I think this is great how you captured the existentialism love in a Sartre sense. You did a great job in showing the one sided loving of one with another through a delightful candy and wrapper metaphor. Also, I like how you described the wrapper as a formless piece that is only used to be discarded. very well done.
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Poetry Reviews
4 of 5
overall- I love the journey of this little poem and how you constructed it.
"my grandmother sought warmth;" - this should be a semi-colon or a regular colon. Why? the period, to me, breaks up the next idea in a bad way. How bad? it makes the next part seem like extra information and irrelevant which it isn't.
there is one thing about this poem I don't really like that much which is the ending. "on my sleeves."- seems to be one line to much and I think you should end the poem with "and memories" or "and many memories." I mean what you are doing with the sleeves works but the way the poem feels seems to want to end a line earlier.
Like I said before, I love how you constructed this poem in tightly woven pieces developed from one generation to the next through the evolving quilt. well done
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Poetry Reviews
3 of 5
This poem is great and most of my suggestions listed before are quite minor and my not even matter. One great element is the title. It works so well with this longing for another time that was easier and much more fulfilling with less responsibility. Titles are important to me in general and I think you did a great job in connecting that with this poem.
"Escape from a hectic world,..."- I added a comma after world and I think if you change the " a " in this line to "this or the" it will flow a bit better. the " a " seems to mess with the flow a bit because of how it's stressed (or its my mind playing tricks).
"...steps beyond reality;" you had a period at the end of this line and I think it could be a semi-colon instead because of how it goes into the next line. I'm not really sure but umm yeah.
"Clock's tick..."- I like the line but the flows not there even though it would be great as a irregular pacing which it is in, I think it needs some commas as well, to make the irregular more apparent.
"..., just for a single day," - I have this problem too, as do many people. "Just" is a horrible poem word in this type of phrasing and I find it everywhere. I through it into my own poems too and when I go back to read it I slap my head and yell NOT AGAIN. its just one of those words that we use in are speech that shouldn't be in poems. I think there was an instance when I left in a "just" with was being used more of a reflective pause as in "It's just," I mean I'm still not fond of it that way but It worked. "Just" is a weird word that I think we over use in pauses. anyway, I'm done complaining about "just."
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Poetry Reviews
2 of 5
Overall:
I think you did a great job on this very difficult form. Your rhymes weren't overbearing and seem to keep the flow going throughout the poem instead of being central to the overall meaning of the poem.
I like the refrain line that you used:
"I remember July."
Being as simple as this one, but with complete vagueness doesn't force the issue of trying to relate meaning to the line. Also, seeing that we are beings of time and for most people we have experienced more then one July. This allows the meaning of this one single refrain line to move with the following lines instead of trying to have the other lines live up to a line that cant quite be conceptualized by the other lines.
suggestions:
"Sun rays teased bare skin," this is only five syllables not six.
the last two lines of the poem are really hard to speak out of the mouth and I think could use some fixing but truthfully I don't know how to fix it. I was thinking a hyphen after "be" or "my" but I'm really not sure.
I think you did a great job on this very difficult form and wish you well in the contest.
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Poetry Reviews
1 of 5
overall- I like this poem a lot. I like the journey of the singular moment meaning most in life to the "I" in this poem. It's a philosophy that I hold dearly myself.
sometimes I feel that the little words in this poem stubble the pace and flow however they also work at certain times. Just be mindful of using that one extra "the or my or etc..." when reviewing this poem.
"Once I captured your beauty as a memory to grasp"- the problem in this like is the double focusing of "memory" and "grasp". Whats wrong? well they are both very close in conceptual meaning in what the "I" in this poem is telling about the sea, however, a memory is a retention of the idea and a grasp is more of an understanding. basically I'm saying you need to use one or the other instead of both. These to words have actually locked up the whole conceptional meaning of the poem for me. Why? well if you go through your whole poem as a memory that's all it is to the "I" but if you go through it as a "grasp" its an understanding of life through what has happened. also you used "Once" in the beginning which is recalling in the first place. once this is fixed I think this poem will work much better in its design. changing that first line you would also have to change the next one for rhythm issues. Also with the first stanza, you might want to italicize it as a reflective moment so then you can tell the rest of the poem in a present tense voicing.
"for you- body and mind." I would put a hyphen after you for pacing purposes.
"A ship in the distance,..."- this part of the stanza seems to be a a take away from the poem analogy. I understand what your trying to show with the vastness of the ocean, its just that you haven't mentioned anything about man made things until this point and it seems a bit out of the blue.
"In the masses of time, the brevity is one I cherish,"-did you mean: "In the mass of time, this brevity is one I cherish,"
"Standing, the drops"- you might want to take out theit makes this awkward to say and not needed.
final thoughts: as you saw most of this review is about the first stanza and actually if you took it out it wouldn't be a huge concern. I fine that many people try to do introductions for there poems and that their introductions end up to get in the way of the body of the poem.
As I said I like the poem but it could use some work. I think I'm going to give it a 3.5 to entice you to work on it a bit more so then I could look at it again and then raise it up to a more deserving rating. probably one star more or higher.
I think this great haiku could benefit from a better title than just having haiku. I mean, its important to have it say haiku to an extent but I think it would also have another word to give the readers further insight into this great haiku.
Structure
You did a great job in making crafting this poem with nature but with adding a great personification of the trees that shows the true meaning to this haiku.
I do have one suggestion which is simply changing the comma in the first line to a semi-colon. Why? I think it shows the focus of the coldness of the loving experience instead of the reader resorting to it being a loving experience.
Theme
the only think that sort of doesn't fit 100% but I think is great is the word "mourn" its almost as if the branches don't realize what is going to happen and could only feel the cool instead of the soon to be romantic experience.
actually after reading it again I think I actually understand this haiku's satirical nature, of love being so cold and detached even in the height of the loving experience because you might only be loving them for the physical sense.
randomness
On thing I was wondering is why you have "Winter" capitalized? I don't know all the grammar rules and I'm not sure if it's suppose to be or not(maybe be I should check that out).
first of all, before starting the review. When you posted this poem in the contest forum you messed up and the link didn't work. Here's the contest link, so you don't have to go looking for it "Invalid Item" .
on to the review:
I like the point you're making, in that vacation isn't just a place or a certain requirement of time
but in reality the change of the working days habitual monogamy and stress.
It reminds me of all the stressed people getting home from a horrible vacation.
a suggestion or two:
"The place we visit just does not matter;" this line is a bit awkward because of the word "just" I typically find the word "just" to be a great flow disruptor so I usually stay away from it. However, I often end up using it and consequently often end up replacing it because of the same problem.
your last line is great but a bit awkward to say and I have no idea how to fix ti without disrupting the flow of it.
I wish I could help ya with that one but simply have no clue how to.
one philosophical conundrum or question with your poem:
I understand that a vacation is a break from work as you said but in reality you also need a break from your non-work as well if your not employed. You need a break up of the usual activity that moves your day so you dont get rutted into the same feeling as the work day feels. I think this is way so many people have problems when they retire from a career. They have no clue how to change the sameness of their non-working pattern into a more active one with little sparks of abnormalities.
thanks for the read.
dont forget to fix the link in the forum if you haven't.
I like the title a lot. When seeing it, you wonder whats going on at this lot, with this lot, (if you don't know what a lot is then)or what a lot is? it intrigues the read.
Rhythm
your flow is great! the first two lines are blissfully groggy with a scary sort of morning confusion as if I just woke up in the morning.
Theme
I like the message in the end but have one complaint about the ending. Since it says that the trees fog the beauty of the woods does this mean that the fog can't be just as beautiful as the wooden scene? or can there not be beauty in shrewdness?
I understand that these are kind of irrelevant to the poem itself but I like to bring out how good poetry also creates more then what the poet intends to write and that its fun to linger on not just what is there but what else it might elude to.
I'm not going to lie, at first I didn't get this story (and to sound really arrogant)
that doesn't happen often to me.
I like the story much better that I understand it and think it could use some tweaking
that could make it even better.
first of all I would taker away that space in the beginning sentence (apparently, I'm psychotic with spacing and it makes my eye twitch a bit, its not that much of a big deal, just me being picky).
you have the word Fresh capitalized and I don't think it should, unless you thought, you put a period before it instead of a comma.
I think you should make the sentence:
"A neighboring cross casts a shadow."- as its how paragraph. truthfully and known of this is actually your fult but where the sentence got cut off in the lay out made me misunderstand the line.
the one thing that really messed me up is the use of "birthday." typically in these situations you wouldn't use hat word and instead use visit or something along those lines. now if you want you using it once works but saying it again doesnt make sense because birthdays only happen once a year and not every week.
I like the idea your trying to portray and I think that you do a pretty go job with it but it needs to be cleand up a bit so it's easier to understand.
I think you should start this story with the wolf and not the old man since the wolf is the man character. how can I do this with limited complications? Just have the wolf watching the old man walk down to the river instead of stating that the old man is walking down to the river. in doing this you can put more emphasis on the main character aka the wolf.
"Looking up, the man searched for a way to locate that voice."- this whole paragraph is confusing because there are many things not said that needs to be said as well as the way you wrote it is confusing. some things to think about to fix this paragraph: the reader already knows the wolf spoke however the character doesn't know it, so you have to make the character be confused but you don't need to point out the wolf again since the reader already knows the wolf is trying to talk to them. When you did this it seemed redundant and also confusing.
"suddenly the wolf found its advantage." you've used this statement a few times and I don't understand what it means. What advantage? you need to actually say what it means to be doing telepathy because it doesn't make sense to a reader.
"As the wolf watched,..." this whole paragraph is confusing because of the sequence of events. Also, there is to much going on at once. you should split up the main ideas and elongate them with character moment and description.
specifically some of your sentences are confusing like:
"If there was any movement signaling that it could be caught, it ran away, vanishing into the shadows."
"A young dark boy saw the wolf coming out of the candy store and gave a yelp."- this needs to be a new paragraph. when reading this sentence it seems to me that the wolf came out of the candy store and I think you meant to say the boy coming out of the candy store. This is also a major jump of scenery and is very confusing.
"Dolvine Wolves are considered, by superstitious people,..."-whats going on here (this whole paragraph) it looks like there is some random research going on dumped in the middle of nowhere. If you put it in a news article or a tabloid that the kid was reading it would make sense. But this information in general makes no sense what so ever.
I think your trying to chase a demon or spirit (like in that movie Fallen) but I really cant tell whats going on.
the story is interesting but very fractured and confusing. It seems very cut up and the holes in between the story are not filled in at all. you need to connect your basic information and your sequence of events in a non-confusing way. I know you can do it and I think you need to spend some more time on this story because I think it can come out pretty good.
I gave it a lower rating and probably should give it an event lower rating because of how confusing the story is. I know you can write less confusing and think the story has a lot of potential once you take out the confusion. If you do this then I would be happy to clear my rating and give you a better one.
good luck
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I like the title a lot and think its a great idea. the only thing that I like to do that others sometimes disregard, if you put the title in the item itself to have it bold or a different color or something. For two reasons: one I think titles are very important and should be more then just the topic of the poem at times. With this philosophy the title is always apparent, not only a part of the poem but also separate as well. second reason deals with the title not being actually read in as in the poem because I think that can cause confusion at times. So it should be disconnected with significance
Structure
I like how you have the poem laid out I think it works well with the theme.
Theme
"and toy soldeirs run everything.
Where the government is not corrupt."
philosophically these lines confuse me. Especially when you bring in the no wars issue in the lines below this one. I understand your being clever in that they are "toy soldiers" but I think it causes a lot of confusion instead of making the reader think about the issue at hand. Plus toy soldiers could also be seen as mindless robots that just follow and not think which would not be a utopia playground in my eyes. I like your idea your portraying I just think you should use a different toy than that one.
you could use the line in a different place saying that "toy soldiers are only used to fight with invisible guns and heighten imagination of violence but always ending with a friendly partly near the Tonka Trucks." I like the idea of the toys and the utopia but I think you could run with it more with some great description like you showed in your poem "I will fight for you."
SO I'm asking for more in that long crazy explanation.
randomness
I'm a huge fan of expressing the need for more youthful activities in the adult world and feel that it could help out people in understanding the pointlessness to some actions.
Parts of this poem are simply great.
You push out your feelings in a great descriptive way
with how you feel about your love.
the one thing that I feel brings down your poem is the repetitive lines. Now first of I will say I'm not a huge fan of this technical method for poetry, however I've found a few instances on wdc in which I like it. In your poem I like it to a certain point but to be honest it gets overly apparent bringing down your greater lines.
"I can still fight. I know I can win"- in this line I think if you take out: "I know I can win" this stanza becomes so much better and in reality I think you should start the poem with this stanza.
the passion is so much stronger and your yearning for this girl is so more apparent then with the repeating "I..." statements.
The stanza that starts with "Your brown eyes..." is so blissful that I dont understand why she doesn't take you then.
basically I'm saying the passion of this piece is in your descriptions and not in the repeating lines. Don't forget about that whole cliche about saying I love you too much that it means nothing but if you say it once to that person and mean it it means so much more.
Being a person of severe brevity, I was grateful, when I first came across your bite size poetry contest. To be able to convey a point in a brief space efficiently is just as important as writing long poems and prose. Sometimes, I think people forget, the strength of brevity in the singular word, placed perfected along others evoking a whole volume of meaning.
I thank you, for myself, and others that cant get passed a certain word count.
For the non-poet, check out my favorite story story contests of brevity.
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I think the title is very fitting for this poem. however, I think it also gives away the ending. I'm not saying that's wrong to do but just a suggestion to think about.
Rhythm
I like the piece after the first edit you did by cutting the lines shorter. I think there are some more that you can splice in half to make the pace even better.
actually now that, I'm looking at this some of the lines could be cut even shorter still.
The man who has many fears
chases his own soul through this world.
He has to fight to stay away from evil and pain.
The man who has
many fears
chases his own soul
through this world.
He [has to] fight
to stay away
from evil and pain.
you could change the [has to] to [must]
these stanzas are the same word for word but when you say them out loud the rhyme has changed in the different use of the structure. Now the job of the poet is to place those words in the correct structure to create meaning not only with the words but the order and pacing they are said. this is way I asked you to cut down the lines the first time, now this time it can be done again however be conscious of keeping a word in on line or another.
For instance, the first line of this can be done many ways:
"The man who has many fears"
"The man-
who has many fears"
"The man, who has
many fears"
"the man
who has,
many fears"
notice the different placement of the lines do to the voicing and pace of the words because how they come about in the lines at different points.
Theme
I think the poem is great in meaning and just needs to work a bit on its form. I would also love a bit more but then again more might ruin the poem as well.
great job so far and it has the potential to be more.
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Poetry Reviews
10 of 10
I like how you found three different keyboards for this Acrostic.
The three different types are portrayed nicely and I was very surprised with the last one and thought it was very clever.
I have to problems with this poem and they come at the end of it. The last two lines seem to have a disruptive flow to it.
the third to last line could do with out the word "right"
It seems to get in the way of the line and also it seems to me to be an unneeded filler that causes more confusion than not.
The last line gets flubbed because of the beginning of the line starts with "day by day" however I don't have a good suggestion for a different word to be used but I think there needs to be one.
Otherwise, I enjoyed this poem a lot; it made me laugh.
Keep on Trucking
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