Hello again... I absolutely love this little gem! Again, the rhyming scheme you used was wonderful and creative. With only a couple of grammatical mistakes, I think you did a great job with this poem. This is one of the first poems I've ever read that compelled me to keep reading. Maybe it was the subject, maybe it was your writing style but both were awesome. I don't know why but I thought of "Alice in Wonderland" when I was reading this. Very unique and original. Great job, Lianne and write on!
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UniquelyMe
"To know is nothing at all; to imagine is everything."
- Anatole France
Hi Mist. Great job but I have a couple suggestions. I think when you're writing a poem where the majority of the words rhyme, it's a good idea to stick to that rhyming scheme throughout the piece. For a few examples of what I mean, "...I was down" and "to carry on" don't rhyme. Then, "...my regards" and "...feel naught" also don't rhyme and sounds a little odd. What I liked was your choice of subject and the way you wrote about it. Friends are one of the most important things a person can have and keeping them is just as important. I think you conveyed that point beautifully in your word choice. One of my favorite lines is, "The faster I ran, the lonelier I got...". It's very powerful. Also, "I flew like a song..." is a great metaphor. The flow of this poem was natural and overall, I definitely liked it.
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UniquelyMe
"To know is nothing at all; to imagine is everything."
- Anatole France
Awesome job, Shaara! I love poetry slams and this is a perfect example of one. I actually read this, out loud, three times because it sounded so good. What's really cool about this slam is that there is this unique rhythm to it created by your use of syllables. I've tried numerous times to write a slam that sounded like this and failed but you did it with ease and grace! All I can say is, "This is freakin' great!"
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UniquelyMe
"To know is nothing at all; to imagine is everything."
- Anatole France
Hi Russel! This story is extremely well-written. Your sentences make sense and are easy to read. The way you wrote, "the tick, tick, ticking of my engine..." demonstrates your knowledge of "showing" and not "telling" the details of a story. That, alone, takes a lot of practice and talent. Also, I loved the plot and the idea behind the story. I think I almost knew at the beginning of the story what the twist at the end was going to be. It's one of my many curses. I always seem to spoil the endings of movies and books for myself You did a good job foreshadowing as well. All in all, a great story which I think is perfect as flash fiction. Write on!
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UniquelyMe
"To know is nothing at all; to imagine is everything."
- Anatole France
Greeting and Salutations, Walker! I did like you story but it needs a little improvement. Now this is just a review and it's not meant to offend, I'm just being honest. I'll start with what I liked about it. I loved the vampire theme and I think your story was definitely original, which is hard to accomplish nowadays with all the other vampire novels out there. Also, I was compelled to keep reading which means you did a good job with the suspense factor. My favorite part was that she didn't know she was vampire until she bit someone. I thought that was very clever. Now here are my suggestions for improvement. When I finished reading the story, my first impression was that you repeated the name "Gracie" a bit too much. Since the story was basically only about her, you can use "she" instead and your readers will still know you're talking about Gracie. Next, the sentence, "Then it hurt was a lot more" and the one after, just doesn't make sense because of the grammatical errors. I think you might try writing, "The pain increased significantly. She would've gladly taken the burning in her whole body over this!" instead. Does that make more sense to you? Next, I'm not quite sure what you mean in this sentence, "Not as bad as before, but just that it can’t be put in the back of her head." It also doesn't make sense. Finally, my last critique is that instead of repeating the phrase, "inhuman speed", try to come up with another way of saying it, like maybe, "unnaturally fast". You also said, "human speed" at one point which again, is like repeating the same phrase over again. I think when you repeat words or phrases in story or poem, it kind of shows a lack of creativity or that you didn't know what else to write. That's it for my suggestions and I think overall, you did a good job with this story. Write on, Walker!
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UniquelyMe
"To know is nothing at all; to imagine is everything."
- Anatole France
Great job, Meo. Your use of metaphors, like "a liquid silver curtain for hair", is amazing. They're very original. My first impression after reading this was that I loved it. These types of stories, with demons, Angels, God, etc... are my favorite. Your characters are definitely believable because you humanized them, for instance, Satan's daughter was acting like a typical teenager. The plot was very creative and well-written. You were able to keep me interested until the very end. Overall, I liked this a lot and think you should expand on it, turning it into a short story.
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This is such a little gem. You were actually able to keep my attention and keep me reading all the to the end, which for me is sometimes a challenge! I love the idea and concept of the story and you did a great job showing me the characters instead of telling me about them. The flow of the story is consistent. The only critique I have is to make Jaime talk/act more like a sophomore in high school. In other words, show her young personality in your word choices and dialogue. I hope that makes sense. Overall, I think you did a great job and you're a great storyteller.
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Stone, I love it! Great job getting all that emotion into such a small poem. I definitely think this could be the beginnings to an awesome story, or even just a longer poem. After I read it, you left me wanting more! My favorite phrase is, "Pretty little stranger, who led me to danger..." and it's a great one. I just love the sound of it. My favorite part of the poem is the 4th stanza down; it sounds like someone I know. Vulnerable, caved in, selfish... Anyway, overall you did an awesome job but like I said, I would've liked to see the poem be a little longer.
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Hi Awestling! What an awesome analogy that is! In the beginning of the story, you wrote a little in the passive voice, which even though I'm not an expert, should try to be avoided. So, for instance, instead of writing "dawn is seeping...", write "before the dawn seeps into my world." And maybe, "The brisk air passes through the window and embraces the morning." My favorite lines are the ones where you described the sun and moon: ..."the burning sun overtakes the piercing moon." and "...the haunting moon and the wild sun.". I also loved the phrase, "...the ceasing war that is day and night.". Overall, you did a great job and keep it up!
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Good job on the rhyming scheme Lianne. I like the flow although the way you structured it is a little odd, which is OK if it works for you. One suggestion I have to is to write with a little more emotion behind you. What I mean if you chose words that carried a little more emotion in them, your poem would be more exciting and leave the reader wanting more. Is the poem about how which way direction you take in life is a lot like flipping a coin? That's the meaning I took away from this piece. And if it, that is a very clever analogy... very original. Anyway, great job and WRITE ON!!
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Hi there. My first impression of this poem was that it's very powerful, especially the phrase, "ocean's of despair". But I think you could of used that evoke more emotion. Especially in a piece so short, you want to try and get readers feeling the poem. I did like the flow but I think changing the structure a little would make it easier and more interesting to read.
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Hi Abby! This is short but sweet. I loved the metaphor, "...plunged to her passage of freedom." I liked the protagonist, Alecia, but thought you could've gave me some more info about her. I was able to picture the father perfectly, with a beer belly, cigarette hanging out of his mouth and a beer in his hand. So good job with that. The other suggestion I have was to make it a little longer so you can tell more of the story. Your word choice was good, with thrashing waves and driving winds. Overall, good job and Write On!
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UniquelyMe
"To know is nothing at all; to imagine is everything."
- Anatole France
This was so powerful it brought me to tears. I absolutely loved this piece and how it was based on a true story. You evoked so many emotions in me that I started to cry! That takes a lot of talent. I can relate so much to the beginning when you wrote about the kind of day where you want to call in sick and go to the beach. And the line, "No, sunshine and seagulls are reserved for life, gray clouds and darkness are meant for death is so true. You used, "snapped them there...", when talking about the barrette and I think that was perfect instead of saying "put them there...". It's a good example of your word choice in the story, which is excellent. When you talked about the "gray matter" in her skull, I actually cringed. You brought out a physical response in me, so great job! Also, I noticed you used the word, "damaged" throughout the story and I was just wondering why you chose that word instead of hurt or injured. Finally, my favorite line overall is, "I dissolved then, a human river, coursing over the street and collapsing into myself." You're creativity really shows through here. The protagonist of the story was very relate-able and you wrote her so that I was able to feel what she was feeling. I have absolutely no complaints or suggestions! Great job, Jenna and Write On!!
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UniquelyMe
"To know is nothing at all; to imagine is everything."
-Anatole France
Hi Lyndo. I have to say, this was one of the best flash fiction pieces I've read in a while! You did a great job building suspense and you foreshadowed perfectly. I could picture the little sister’s deranged face exactly in my head. And the ending wasn't too predictable. There were a few grammar errors that can be easily fixed and they're aren't severe enough to bring down the quality of the piece. You should enter this into a contest here on WDC, it's of great quality! Write on, Lyndo!
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UniquelyMe
"To know is nothing at all; to imagine is everything."
- Anatole France
Welcome to WDC and your poem is oh so true! Great job with the rhyming. I love the way you structured the piece, too. It flows very naturally and at a quick pace, which almost sounds like a slam, if you know what that is. I didn't notice any spelling or grammar errors so I really don't have any suggestions for improvement. Overall, great poem. Write On.
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UniquelyMe
"To know is nothing at all; to imagine is everything."
- Anatole France
Scribbler, great job! The flow of this poem is so natural, which can sometimes be hard when writing free-form. The words you chose to use evoked emotions in me and that takes talent. Also, I like how you used some alliteration in the 7th line down. Overall, this was a great piece. Write On!!!
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UniquelyMe
"To know is nothing at all; to imagine is everything."
- Anatole France
This little piece of writing genius actually brought tears to my eyes. Your ability to evoke emotion in your writing is incredible. I also love the way you show things in this piece, like "shimmering water", "feathered feasters", and the line where you describe the birds of Swan Lake was so on point that I could see them right in front of me. Also, I liked how you wrote from the POV of the protagonist friend, Wilma, and not the protagonist herself. Great job overall and I honestly don't have any suggestions, except for a couple grammatical errors. Write on!!
UniquelyMe
"To know is nothing at all; to imagine is everything."
- Anatole France
I love your choice of words in this piece. For example, "sourceless torment..." and "silent curiosity..." give the piece style. This poem is an excellent example of how word choice plays a huge role in evoking emotion in a piece. I could feel the emotions coming from your writing and that takes talent. Good job with that. Your title is great because it corresponds to what you're writing about. And also, the way the poem flows as your reading it is very natural. Although, I do have a couple of suggestions. The way the poem is structured is a little confusing and I would think about structuring it in a more natural way. The other suggestion I have is to try and stay from using the same phrase too close together in a short poem like this. For example, "Thoughts swirl endlessly..." and "...your swirling thoughts.". Otherwise, this is a great piece.
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UniquelyMe
"To know is nothing at all; to imagine is everything."
- Anatole France
Hi Glynndah. This was such a cute little piece. I, myself, am trying to write fantasy, much like this, and you do it with style and grace. I especially love the part where the pixie is talking about Pixie Sticks. Your imagery is great as well, for instance, "...his pointed white teeth glowing faintly in the moonlight..." was a great example of imagery. You also did a great job writing in an active voice and not a passive voice. All in all, awesome job!! Write on....
UniquelyMe
To know is nothing at all; to imagine is everything.
- Anatole France
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I lost my father three years ago and can absolutely relate to this poem! I love your word choices and the emotion evoked by them. I also wrote a poem about his death and found it very cathartic. Great job and write on!
Except for a few grammatical errors, this was absolutely awesome! Great use of imagery and the emotion conjured by your word choices... I couldn't make it better if I tried! Great job and write on :)
No wonder you were published... you're use of detail and word choice were amazing. You gave us just enough info to get us interested and intrigued but not enough to give the story away! With all the vampire novels out there, I would think it a challenge to come up with a story that has yet to be told but you did it with grace and originality!
I would like to add that I'm working on my first novel and it is also a fantasy/horror/crazy with demons and gods and many other strange creatures. I find a lot of similarities between mine and yours, which I think is really cool! So, I would welcome any feedback that you could offer me! Anyways, Great job and by the way, I'm buying your book! Write on...
Another beautiful piece of poetry! I love how the end of the poem reveals that he/she is dreaming. I wrote a similar piece a few years ago and was taken aback when I read yours because you choice of phrasing and the way you convey emotions is amazing! Write on.....
I like your story idea and concept but because of the grammatical errors and incorrect sentence structure, it was difficult to read! Here are a few examples of what I'm talking about:
In the 1st sentence, you wrote "a old school" and it should be "an old school"; then "...suddenly closed down a five years after..." needs the "a" removed; then you should have ended the sentence after "...no one ever went to fix it up.", instead of continuing it with "...after it closed down MANY YEARS." That does not make sense and you're just repeating what you said previously about how "...it closed down a five years after..."! That whole first sentence is enough to throw anyone off and then the "...group of teenagers were DONE school..." needs to be corrected! "A group of teenagers were done WITH school..."! Anyway, if you'd ever like any advice about grammar, structure, etc... let me know because I've tutored English in the past!
Write on because you can only get better when you write.... A LOT! :)
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You did a good job foreshadowing as well. All in all, a great story which I think is perfect as flash fiction. Write on!