This review is your Big Bang Package from "Invalid Item" !
FIRST IMPRESSION: This is a chapter from a fantasy story.
THOUGHTS: Though I didn't read chapter one of this story, I didn't have any trouble in chapter two's review. I enjoyed your creativity, and I found this chapter really captivating. Nice work.
FAVORITE PART: I liked the way this chapter began with suspense and excitement.
As it moved on, I really felt that you gave a good glimpse of Torin's personality. Your readers could 'see' the children playing, and the area of the market. I liked all of the small details which you added. These enhanced the way that the story unfolded, without the feeling of being rushed. Nice work!
I was pleasantly surprised to learn that Torin had real powers! I liked the way you had him fly to the market! It wasn't until the middle of your story that I realized he was a Mage.
I liked the conversation between Torin and Kenton. I thought it was a great way to end the chapter.
You chose good names for your fantasy story, by the way.
SUGGESTIONS: You requested for this review to focus on what corrections could be done for improvement. With that in mind, the following is what I found might help....
In your first sentence, you wrote: Torin screamed as he walked through the halls of the Archium "Screb bla fla bin craw".
I would at least add an exclamation point at the end. I didn't feel that Torin had been screaming. You might also consider making the Riall words in caps.
In the second sentence, you wrote: A few people who spoke Riall turned and looked at him with shock, one girl even looked like she might throw up.
I would break that up into two sentences, or reword it to something like: A few people who spoke Riall gasped in shock, and one girl even looked like she might throw up.
I think this part could be changed a bit: It's not like he was a total lay about, he ran the school's vast library and that was a lot of work. But the truth was he delegated much of that work to the students who work there.
You used the word, 'work', three times. Also, I really don't like beginning sentences with the word, 'but'. It might read better as something like: It's not like he was a total lay about. He ran the school's vast library, which was a lot of work, but the truth was he delegated much of that work to the student staff.
I would add a comma after, 'but', in this part: The masters were always shown respect as they walked the halls of the Archium but this was different.
In this sentence, you wrote: Torin had something much different than respect, it was a mix between fear and wonder.
I think I would change that to something like: They gave Torin something much different than respect. It was a mix between fear and wonder.
Here you wrote: He knew what they said about him, he knew the stories and the rumors because he started most of them.
I would change that to something like: He was familiar with the stories and the rumors which they said about him because he started most of them.
Here you wrote: With the new term starting soon the halls were packed with students both new and old.
I would put in a comma between the two different ideas. ...Something like: With the new term starting soon, the halls were packed with new and old students.
The same goes for this: Off near a small grouping of trees he saw a young boy and girl playing.
Off near a small grouping of trees, he saw a young boy and girl playing.
And...The boy chased the girl with a stick poking her and laughing.
The boy chased the girl with a stick, poking her and laughing.
I noticed several sentences throughout your story, where you might add a comma to separate two ideas. I will show you one more, but I'm sure you get the idea.
The main issue with your story is the lack of commas.
Here you have: The boy was bigger than her and she could do nothing but run from him.
...Might be: The boy was bigger than her, and she could do nothing but run from him. Or, you might change it to something like: She could do nothing but run from the very large boy.
Here you wrote: The sun was shining bright today and there were people everywhere. I would change the word, 'bright', to 'brightly'. It's an adverb which described how the sun was shining.
I would break this up into two sentences... His power did not reside in his legs, his arms or in anything so mundane, his power lay in his mind and in his words.
I felt that a few of your sentences seemed just a bit too long. Here is one example:
Once he came to rest, he just laid there and took an inventory of his body and found that nothing was broken and the only thing hurt was his pride.
There are many ways which you might improve this sentence. Perhaps one way might be: He took inventory of his body while he laid there, and found that the only thing broken was his pride.
In addition to the missing commas in your story, I also noticed several run-on type sentences.
Here is one: The other fact that made them a little weary of him was his age, only Torin knew how old he really was, but most people suspected he was well over seventy despite his young appearance.
That could be broken up into two sentences, or you might reword it...Such as: The other fact that made them a little weary of him was his age. Only Torin knew how old he really was, but most people suspected he was well over seventy, despite his young appearance.
The weary people suspected he was well over seventy, despite his young appearance.
The period is missing at the end of this sentence: "Giving books a second chance at life is something I highly approve of"
This sentence seems too long, and it doesn't read quite well. She blushed even more and Torin laughed, there something so entertaining about making this young girl blush, if she was anything but an innocent and kind hearted girl it would not be as much fun.
I would add a 'was' after the word, 'there', and before the word, 'something'.
The period is missing at the end of this one as well: Sarah returned with three books, two small and one rather large "Here we are Master Tarsis, three very special finds for you"
I have a suggestion for this sentence: He had a few hours to kill before he had to go teach that introductory class... You wrote a similar line before he went to the market. I would change this to: He still had a few hours to kill...
Here is another sentence which is missing a period at the end: "I wanted to talk to you"
I won't point out anymore of those, but I would suggest that you reread your story, and take notice of other similar incidents. Remember that the period comes after the quotation marks.
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