|Here are a few things I found, they are a recommendation only. Hope it helps. BTW, I'm not an expert...by far. I love the concept of the story though.
1. "several doors and a floor away" seems somewhat awkward, took a minute to get meaning.
2. " Dr. Lamb exhaled taken back but not surprised" May consider a comma after exhaled. It seems choppy.
3. “Of course, I do…Not exactly, we never met,” he barked. “Hey babe…Lets do some business. How ‘about a cigarette? They don’t let me smoke in the hole…” May try a little description of his actions over his words. Too many words are making it confusing.
4. "I gave it to him on a Monday said don’t dent it and went to Syracuse New York…” Add comma after Monday and replace said with told.
5. THis paragraph is difficult to follow...a bit.
"Jessica de Rabbit, not a bad babe but she was drawn out to be that way…What a sorry story. If I feel sorry for anyone it’s her. Poor thing never stood a chance. I mean after what was done to her on the cutting room floor…Who wouldn’t be like that? She’s a onetime movie star who’s on the down and out. A real jinx though, Slim should’ve known that after what happened to her ex-whatever Rodger…And then Jessica says something like ‘Cheese it! It’s the fuzz!’ but before anything could happen I got four wolfhounds slamming me to the floor. They say I killed and ate the goose mentioned earlier. I tried to explain it to them but the pack scattered…Couldn’t get a corroboration for my alibi.”
6. Is this a different doctor with Big Bad? "Dr. Jill Elk told"
7. The 1st para in 3rd section is too "long"? Not sure if thats the right word. The para needs to be separated into parts of where the doc discusses owlf first. The BB talks about his changes...ect.
I really enjoyed it. It was a pleasure to read for the most past. I would just consider a few edits. I hope this helped.