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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/micn480
Review Requests: OFF
3 Public Reviews Given
Favorite Genres
Sci-fi, Fantasy, Action/Adventure
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Black Box  
Review by R. Frink
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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I am intrigued about the black box and would be interested in reading more. I enjoyed the scene and hope you continue the story.

Some suggestions/criticism:

I noticed a few typos here and there.
EX:
No be on your way before something dangerous comes along.

I think you meant to say "Now" instead of "No"

Now be on your way before something dangerous comes along.

EX:
I heard his companion release and exasperated sigh before approaching us.

I think you meant to use "an" instead of "and"

I heard his companion release an exasperated sigh before approaching us.

I look forward to seeing more of this story. *Smile*
2
2
Review by R. Frink
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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This is a great start to a promising mystery. You do an excellent job of painting a scene and the characters so far have been interesting.

Some suggestions/criticisms:

There's a few minor typos, like missing commas and word usage.
EX:
As we sat down in my office, I couldn't help by feel embarrassed by the mess of paperwork covering my desk.

Here, I think you meant to put the word "but" instead of "by"

As we sat down in my office, I couldn't help but feel embarrassed by the mess of paperwork covering my desk.

EX:
After a few moments she looked back at me and assured me she was fine.

Here, I believe you need a comma between "moments" and "she"

After a few moments, she looked back at me and assured me she was fine.

Lastly, for better readability, I would suggest to indent paragraphs and/or place an extra line between paragraphs.

I look forward to reading more of this story. Keep up the good work!
3
3
Review by R. Frink
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This was a great start! *Smile* The chapter was fun to read from start to finish and left me wanting more at the end. My only advice would be to work on "Show, don't tell." There were a few instances where I felt you could have gotten your point across through the character's actions instead of just telling the reader.

For instance, when you describe Izzy's love for sweets, instead of saying
She was delighted when she found out that not only did it contain the usual alcohol, but it was also stocked with an assortment of sweets

You could say something like
Her face brightened when she found out that not only did it contain the usual alcohol, but it was also stocked with an assortment of sweets

However, this is a very minor criticism. Overall, I find your writing quite enjoyable. *Thumbsup*

Can't wait for more!

Hikari Okami
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