Overall Impression/Emotional Impact:
I felt the despair and urgency wrapped in the impotence of the whole affair,
Form, Format, Rhyme, and Meter (as applicable):
It needs a bit of polishing especially in the form, in my opinion it would help convey the emotions.
Artistic Voice and Imagery:
I'm not too fond of everyday words in a poem, like "Those", "Things". In my humble opinion if those words were changed for others it will give the piece so much power.
Grammar, Spelling and Mechanics:
too many words in one line
Suggestions:
don't explain yourself, the poem should be enough. Over all, you have a real jewel here!
Well I'm in a bit of a bind economically for the moment, I really believe that finally I'm where I should be to at least fulfill my 6 year old dream of seeing a book with my name. I would happily pass on the next day!! With the cancer in the lymph nodes its pretty much a lottery. I am pretty capable of paying my way under normal circumstances, but life is a shady dealer sometimes and I can't afford it on the 31 of March. I really feel at home. If I have a little luck and am able to resolve my issues before, I shall inform you of it and this will be no longer needed.
Overall Impression/Emotional Impact:
I believe that there is a lot of potential lying in the poem's essence. Emotionally it's a tidal wave of Nostalgia! Intelligently conceived from deep introspection is easy to see.
Form, Format, Rhyme, and Meter (as applicable):
We are good here. I love it when the structure is used in tone with the words. Gives it a lot of attitude in my opinion.
Artistic Voice and Imagery:
I enjoyed it, well paced, and on the money with the theme. The imagery was fantastic! lines like:
"Ghostly shadows
float,
like wispy swirling tendrils
of lazy gray smoke,"
Boom! Fantastic! I was reminded of H. P. Lovecraft. Where I was forced to contemplate how sometimes a sour memory may discomfort us as much as a deep fear of things that will never be again fading.
Grammar, Spelling and Mechanics
Can't say much here, it looks ok!
Suggestions:
I feel that in this stanza:
"until
some faint
impression triggers
a vague sense of recognition,"
Needs to be looked at a bit. "impression triggers" I feel like it breaks with the wonderful imagery and language you were giving. Words such as , " inkling precipitates ".
javascript:updateLine('MushroomR', '88');* Overall Impression/Emotional Impact:
Pretentious to even mention how this piece evokes me emotionally!It reads like something Trent Reznor would love! (Nine Inch Nails). This poem would be a swift fist to the throat with very little changes. The essence is already there.
javascript:updateLine('MushroomR', '88'); Form, Format, Rhyme, and Meter (as applicable):
The fourthline, I quote "Imagine saying that to someone who doesn't give a fuck about you," this line needs to be worked on. So much meaning, intention, emotion hidden in everyday verbiage.
javascript:updateLine('MushroomR', '88'); Artistic Voice and Imagery:
You defiantly have something here!!
javascript:updateLine('MushroomR', '88');Grammar, Spelling and Mechanics:
Nothing to fix in this area.
I was taken into the conversation, although in my opinion it needs to relax a little, I have the same problem. I mean it's not easy to pin down different characters mannerisms, mood, education, ext. Especially in a day to day scenario.
I found this line quite stiff: “I told you I’d do it. Why does it have to come up all the time? I’ll get to it.”
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| (4.5)
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