Overall Impression/Emotional Impact:
I was totally seduced by the minimalist, raw edge I felt from the language! I appreciate, in my observation- I beg you to entertain, how the crude boiled down language has reached its complete and sincere essence. Words, but sharp weapons at the same time.
Form, Format, Rhyme and Meter (as applicable):
I always am a believer in the possibility of your piece benefiting from this!!
Artistic Voice and Imagery:
In my mind, Voice was clear, loud and precise.
Grammar, Spelling and Mechanics:
A++
Suggestions:
Humbly I might dare to suggest you explore subtle ways to tighten the pure gold you have already refined, with rhythm, or rhyme; something of the sort...
The unsettling though very poignant language are very effective in illustrating the changes!
Form, Format, Rhyme and Meter (as applicable):
The varying line lengths and strategic use of ellipses, effectively delivers us as readers the stages of transformation.
Artistic Voice and Imagery:
Your voice definitely shines through your imagery that's really good.
Grammar, Spelling and Mechanics:
A+
Suggestions:
Incorporate a bit more sensory details immerse the reader maybe..
I can really see a very nice piece here! A tad of editing to free it a bit from unnecessary weight.
Overall Impression/Emotional Impact:
I liked how the piece explores the duality and the plethora of experiences of life! I'm all ways a sucker for any thin existentialist!
Form, Format, Rhyme and Meter (as applicable):
The rhythm and rhyme of each stanza really gives it a nice readability, plus an easy flow for the reader.
First off love the style, no caps, no punctuation strait to the brain!
At first it made me feel rushed, which is in tune with the theme. I enjoyed the poem very much. Haven't been in school for what seems ages!
A loose suggestion, space it out a bit, there's a couple of lines in the end that can make two, it might make it sharper or just not what you wanted. This might help in keeping that feeling of rush back to routine.
I truly found this piece profoundly enjoyable. I was easily invited into the plot from the start. The interactions though short, just the perfect amount I felt, were very credible!
I enjoyed the poem very much. I am talking about the piece I feel under is stiff structure and either unnecessary word repetition or an interesting tool to use.
"We need to cut some fat!" do this and what the piece bloom!
Keep going!!! Nothing constructive for now, I bid you Adieu!
Right off the bat (excuse the cliche) I must admit I love your style, crudeness and reality as it is!
The imagery was on point though lacking the character's view. I felt a bit robotic, a news caster if you get my point.
We need the authenticity you've brought here to the table two show in the dialog an example: “LILA! GET UP! LILA! LILA!” the woman’s screams pierced his ears. His stomach turned. He turned over shaking, his hands on the pavement, pulled himself to his feet."
A mother would say the child's name, but mostly pet names they might have, my bay, you name it.
Overall, it's well structured, very coherent, well written! I must admit there's a lot of "fat" that might refine the story.
With nothing else to contribute, KEEP Writing! I say adieu!
Actually, the US is metric, I saw it somewhere not a week ago, I´m half latino half American, so, imagine it gets a bit confusing at moments!! Or dare I want to bake some lemon cake brought by an auntie from the States whose kind enough to send when someone travels. Down here at least in the American school i went was metric, but I'm up the creek without a paddle back in the States...
I was very impressed, caught, relieved, after losing your fantastic poem. Finally, a caught up to it!
The structure, in its own beauty towards an indelible truth. Math, ever truthful in its beauty it never lies. I don't have more that praise! Well done!
I can really see a very nice piece here! A tad of editing to free it a bit from unnecessary weight.
Overall Impression/Emotional Impact:
It's an interesting piece planted in the drab, repetitive, within the mechanical labor of the simple mundane moments. Human moments
.
Form, Format, Rhyme and Meter (as applicable):
I see a lot of buried potential, rhymes and rhythms eager to blossom. I am no teacher much less a person capable of any kind of educated advise.
Artistic Voice and Imagery:
I felt the tedium of the moment from the first line, a little bit if tempo, more rhythm may bring the voice up to par with the imagery.
Suggestions:
I really like the piece, I has great potential, I suppose you probably had certain guidelines to respect if it is for a Contest Entry. Spend some time with!! Keep it up!!
Emotional Aspect. A very clear state of bitterness, of heartache, and disappointment. I was envolved in these emotions while reading, but a tenacious feeling that the piece has much more to express. I felt that if your intention was to shoot for the essence of this poem, it needs a bit of "Setting". The "Set" is pretty clear. In my humble opinion it needs something to complement the months (seasons) and help move it along.
It was easily relatable, heartbreak, a clueless partner, and disappointment. Though the line:
" ... roughly ushering my senses
along a tainted monastery stream
awash with memories of untested depth."
For starters is fantastic! So good that it kind of stands alone from the rest of the poem. It holds the essence of what the piece can becom.
Overall Assessment
I think love what the piece can become a smidge more than its' present state. It's my kind of poetry, the imagery, drabness, and authenticity are on point here! Definitely I'm interested in seeing what it becomes! Keep it up you have talent.
Overall Impression/Emotional Impact:
I felt the despair and urgency wrapped in the impotence of the whole affair,
Form, Format, Rhyme, and Meter (as applicable):
It needs a bit of polishing especially in the form, in my opinion it would help convey the emotions.
Artistic Voice and Imagery:
I'm not too fond of everyday words in a poem, like "Those", "Things". In my humble opinion if those words were changed for others it will give the piece so much power.
Grammar, Spelling and Mechanics:
too many words in one line
Suggestions:
don't explain yourself, the poem should be enough. Over all, you have a real jewel here!
Well I'm in a bit of a bind economically for the moment, I really believe that finally I'm where I should be to at least fulfill my 6 year old dream of seeing a book with my name. I would happily pass on the next day!! With the cancer in the lymph nodes its pretty much a lottery. I am pretty capable of paying my way under normal circumstances, but life is a shady dealer sometimes and I can't afford it on the 31 of March. I really feel at home. If I have a little luck and am able to resolve my issues before, I shall inform you of it and this will be no longer needed.
Overall Impression/Emotional Impact:
I believe that there is a lot of potential lying in the poem's essence. Emotionally it's a tidal wave of Nostalgia! Intelligently conceived from deep introspection is easy to see.
Form, Format, Rhyme, and Meter (as applicable):
We are good here. I love it when the structure is used in tone with the words. Gives it a lot of attitude in my opinion.
Artistic Voice and Imagery:
I enjoyed it, well paced, and on the money with the theme. The imagery was fantastic! lines like:
"Ghostly shadows
float,
like wispy swirling tendrils
of lazy gray smoke,"
Boom! Fantastic! I was reminded of H. P. Lovecraft. Where I was forced to contemplate how sometimes a sour memory may discomfort us as much as a deep fear of things that will never be again fading.
Grammar, Spelling and Mechanics
Can't say much here, it looks ok!
Suggestions:
I feel that in this stanza:
"until
some faint
impression triggers
a vague sense of recognition,"
Needs to be looked at a bit. "impression triggers" I feel like it breaks with the wonderful imagery and language you were giving. Words such as , " inkling precipitates ".
javascript:updateLine('MushroomR', '88');* Overall Impression/Emotional Impact:
Pretentious to even mention how this piece evokes me emotionally!It reads like something Trent Reznor would love! (Nine Inch Nails). This poem would be a swift fist to the throat with very little changes. The essence is already there.
javascript:updateLine('MushroomR', '88'); Form, Format, Rhyme, and Meter (as applicable):
The fourthline, I quote "Imagine saying that to someone who doesn't give a fuck about you," this line needs to be worked on. So much meaning, intention, emotion hidden in everyday verbiage.
javascript:updateLine('MushroomR', '88'); Artistic Voice and Imagery:
You defiantly have something here!!
javascript:updateLine('MushroomR', '88');Grammar, Spelling and Mechanics:
Nothing to fix in this area.
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