There are not many poems that make me read them twice, and then usualy it's to try to make sense of something badly writen. In your case it was for the sheer pleasure of hearing those words once more in my head.
This has a really good feel to it, I like the set up and the characterisation. I think you might want to look at the dialogue; it's good, but perhaps a bit stilted. Try reading it aloud and see what you think.
Remember this is just my opinion so feel free to ignore it.
Hi, I really liked this piece. It has the bones of a really good story.
I would suggest, and remember that this is just my opinion, that in places it is perhaps a little over egged. For example: The love that usually swam within his baby blues now seemed to be in an all out war with some dark force. You are telling the reader about an all out war, where perhaps you could simply say, His eyes, normally filled with love seemed troubled.
I am constantly battling in my own work with over description and embroidery, so it’s a subject I know well.
This made my stomach churn with sympathy, a truly beautiful piece of work. The humanity and eloquence with which you told this story was truly remarkable.
Thank you so much for sharing a great piece of literature.
Mike Day
PS, may I be so bold as to recommend a piece of my own? A story called "A Shopping Bag" it isn't a patch on yours but I think it carries some emotion.
What a great Christmas story. I have a soft spot for Christmas stories of all kinds. I didn't spot any grammar errors and the narrative was warmed by the glow of fond memories, bravo.
If I may be so bold I would like to recommend one of mine you might, I hope, enjoy called
A shopping bag (E) A very short story inspired by a woman I helped outside a department store one Christmas. #1367354 by Mike Day
I love the darkly, horrifying end; or lack thereof. The images are beautifully graphic. My only two niggles are the too quick line about loosing a man earlier and the phrase “grabbing the leg of one of my partners for support. Pulling him off balance, he in turn grabbed the third of us and we all slid downhill... fast." The third of us, sounds awkward to me (In my oh so humble opinion)
Overall a great piece of writing, I look forward to reading more.
Welcome to WDC, I hope you enjoy it here as much as I do. I'm a recent Newbie as well,if there is anything you need help with, feel free to give me a shout. If I don't know then I will learn something new finding out.
I liked your piece, it had more than a touch of H.P.Lovecraft about it. The story felt like it needed to expand a bit, perhaps playout the growing sense of despair a bit more. (All my comments should be taken or discarded as you see fit)
A couple of minor items: under the age of 6 lie (lay) dead in their beds.
This is great, I run a boarding kennels and cattery and have a jack russel (small dog) and a Great Dane (Huge, ten stone) and a ginger cat who thinks he owns the place. Your description is warm and very familiar to me. A great piece of writing.
Hi, you clearly have a great imagination. The rest is just craft, if you have the stamina and the will, you can learn anything you need.
A couple of suggestions, remember this is only meant in a spirit of helping a fellow journeyman writer:
1/ Try to look at your work from the point of the reader, you may know where they are meeting but no one would really say "we are coming to pick you up two clicks away from here"
2/ Remember realism, no one can get a helicopter ride from Siberia to Iraq. Soldiers on active service don't get told about their next mission until they are safely back.
3/ Minor one but anything that disturbs the readers flow is bad news, "are" should be "our"
4/ Read some of the masters of description like Hemingway, he cuts away every word that doesn’t help to build the story and image, for instance "eating dead wolf" Most wolves would object to being eaten whilst still alive.
It's always hard to hear criticism, even constructively meant but remember no one ever made it as a writer without learning from someone.
I hope you take this as the help it was intended to be.
You had me wrapped up in this story from start to finish; the only thing that could have made it better for me was if I had written it myself.
The weaving of his thoughts around the song which in turn gave counterpoint to the pain he was feeling was masterfully done. I will stop gushing now, Well-done! And happy New Year.
In all honesty, and I’m a forty year old Englishman with the usual hereditary stiff upper lip, I had to wipe a tear away, wonderful. I thought the flow and imagery were just right, it gives a beautifully different perspective on an old woman in a lonely chair, bravo.
Very, very good. I like the images and how the story rolled on to its jaring conclusion. If I can make one suggestion, Its so powerful that you could leave the outside of the letter blank. It might be less jaring and punch home your message.
I liked this story, it ticks the box in my mind labled (nice twist), if I were to have one sugestion, it would be this; when she burns the photo, a part of her would still perhaps be doubtful, so I would have skipped the bit about protective clothing. Just a thought.
All the best
Mike
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