*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Creative fun in
the palm of your hand.
Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/mindexplore4
Review Requests: OFF
415 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
I just go with the flow.
Favorite Genres
Psychological Thrillers, Drama, Certain Romance
Least Favorite Genres
Sci-Fi is painful for me to read. Nothing personal but it's not my thing
Favorite Item Types
Static
Least Favorite Item Types
Novels
I will not review...
Novels because I don't want to commit to it. I'm struggling to finish my own books. A novel is too much for me
Public Reviews
Previous ... -1- 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 ... Next
1
1
Review by Dominique
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)

This 'fire' sig is much smaller than our other review sigs
Hello Moarzjasac !!
Thank you for sharing your poem with me, I thoroughly enjoyed reading your words!
Keep in mind; I am not a professional, my suggestions are just that, suggestions. Do what you feel is right for your writing! Any advice given is with love and a desire to help you become the best writer you can be.


GRAMMAR & SPELLING:
I didn't notice any glaring grammatical errors or spelling mistakes, which is awesome. Good job! One thing -- so very small and silly that I noticed -- was a double space instead of a single "I keep on traveling"


WORD CHOICE:

You had an excellent word choice, avoiding boring, dull language.


RHYME & FLOW:
These lines: "She glitters like diamonds yet she cuts just like glass. As she pokes in the fragments of the years that have passed." Those lines had an incredible rhyme, rhythm, and flow to them. They outshined the whole poem. They really did. Then, you followed through with another line that was similarly great, "Words have been spoken Opportunites lost It is all a changing regardless of cost" That line was a good follow up from the previous one. I'll get into details of it more a bit further down, but as far as rhyme and flow, you did awesome.*Smile*




POSITIVES:

My Favorite Part: I loved the 2nd half of the poem. Basically from "she glitters..." to the end.


CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM:
What I liked least: I wasn't a fan of when you used a. Like in these two spots: "It's all a changing." "I keep on a going"
My Suggestions: The first half of the poem didn't seem to match the 2nd half to me. I love them both, but one rhyme and one doesn't. The 2nd half rhymed and flowed really well and the first half didn't rhyme at all. It doesn't really have to rhyme throughout so really there's nothing WRONG with your poem, but it just stood out to me and seemed misplaced.


EMOTIONS:
It reminded me of: That yes, we always do think the grass is much greener on the other side. But life is wonderful right where I stand. (or sit, precisely.)


CREATIVITY:

It was extremely creative and original. I loved reading your words and thoughts.


HELD MY ATTENTION?:

You held my attention and piqued my interest into wanting to read more of your work.


Image #2177652 over display limit. -?-

Image #218642 over display limit. -?-

WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  [E]
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Four time Quill winner!
by Maryann


Image #1389515 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
2
2
Review by Dominique
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)

This 'fire' sig is much smaller than our other review sigs
Hello runoffscribe !!
Thank you for sharing your essay with me, I thoroughly enjoyed reading your words!
Keep in mind; I am not a professional, my suggestions are just that, suggestions. Do what you feel is right for your writing! Any advice given is with love and a desire to help you become the best writer you can be.

GRAMMAR & SPELLING:
I didn't notice any glaring grammatical errors or spelling mistakes, but I wasn't nitpicking for grammar really due to the style and unfinished nature. But I didn't see anything spelled incorrectly.


WORD CHOICE:

You had an excellent word choice, avoiding boring, dull language. You kept me interested in your writing, and I was attentive until the very end. You didn't stick to using simplistic, overused words. You definitely have used a thesaurus in your lifetime and it shows.


APPEARANCE:
Well, it was a little messy in terms of the layout I suppose, but I don't at all hold that against you considering it's not even a finished piece. For instance, just one thing that stuck out to me, and I don't know if this was intentional for personal style or not -- the beginning has a ton of indenting, but the "paragraphs" are only a sentence or a line long/ Then you intent again immediately after. There's nothing WRONG with that, and this is really just my style preference kicking in but it seems distracting almost?


POSITIVES:

What I liked most: I loved the beginning section up before your 'notice'. That part is my favorite section. I admire your writing style and the metaphors you used so fluidly.
My Favorite Part: "Count quotation marks and don't rest on an odd number." and "Interrogate your punctuation, rigorously." -- Those were my two favorite sentences. I absolutely loved them. I think they were clever and display your writing skills even in an unfinished piece.


CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM:

What I liked least: Now, this is less of a criticism and more of a misunderstanding. I didn't really get anything in the second section about the ONStlye. While I can appreciate your writing, I didn't fully understand what I was reading to be able to appreciate it and properly evaluate it. That's not exactly your fault though, so this isn't so much a criticism as a statement.
My Suggestions: Keep writing! Finish this piece, you're doing great!


EMOTIONS:

It made me feel: Actually, I was going through a bit of a struggle with my writing and somehow this gave me some encouragement.
It reminded me of: my life and struggles I have as a writer.


CREATIVITY:

It was extremely creative.


HELD MY ATTENTION?:

You held my attention from the first sentence until the very end.


Image #2177652 over display limit. -?-

Image #218642 over display limit. -?-

WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  [E]
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Four time Quill winner!
by Maryann


Image #1389515 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
3
3
Review by Dominique
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hey, ridinghhood--p. boutilier ! We meet again. How are you? Turns out, we're swapping reviews because I am after you now in the 'I Write in 2019' forum.

Wow. That's my initial reaction. I was immediately sucked in. I read this slowly, sucking up the words as I would for an intense novel. Although this is just the beginning, a mere paragraph, I can see this going somewhere. I hope you turn this into a novel. I see you wrote short story. I suggest forget about calling it a short story. It has the feel of a novel. I can't explain how or even why, it just does. It was interesting and seems like it would be a great thriller / dystopian / drama mix novel.

The main character will play a large roll in how this story plays out. I am interested to see where this will go.

It's clear you're a talented writer. I look forward to reading more of your writing.

GROUP
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  (E)
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Four time Quill winner!
#1300305 by Maryann


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
4
4
Review by Dominique
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)

This 'fire' sig is much smaller than our other review sigs
Hello {suser: !!
Thank you for sharing your story with me, I thoroughly enjoyed reading your words!
Keep in mind; I am not a professional, my suggestions are just that, suggestions. Do what you feel is right for your writing! Any advice given is with love and a desire to help you become the best writer you can be.

GRAMMAR & SPELLING:
I notice a lot of grammatical errors. Commas and basic structural or punctuation errors mainly.

She had never been happier, drink in one hand and the other on Adam's curly locks she pressed her lips on his and grabbed his keys to drive. ---> Like for instance, in this sentence. After 'curly locks,' you either need a period or if you wanted to push the sentence into one, a semicolon (;).

Adam stumbled to the back seat of the car. And she motioned him to come to the front. ---> This would be better as either one sentence or two sentences but erase 'and'.

She sighed and looked up at her psychologist. "I.. I... was... drunk.. " ----> After drunk you only put two periods instead of 3.

But still [add comma] she was afraid to get close to anyone in that room.

I'm sure everyone told him I am a threat to his existance. ---> existence

The doctor exhaled deeply and was about to call it when she heard a soft beep of a heart beat. --> heartbeat

A confused look creeped on her face. ---> crept

Well that explains a lot. She thought. ---> Well, that explains a lot, she thought.

But still [comma] she couldn't comprehend the words coming out of the officer's mouth and on top of that in a car wreck.

The officer [add comma] not at all surprised with her response [add a comma] briefly answered,

Jason heart tightened like a fist. ---> Jason's

But He was paid to do his job, even if it meant keeping her away. --> this was clearly, a typo.
"Sorry Jason, But I can't do this anymore," --> another capital mid-sentence. Here, there's more than that though. The sentence should be written as such: "Sorry, Jason. I can't do this anymore."

"Hey [add comma] you okay? You zoned out there for a second."

Tina, not the person she wanted to see and the last person she wanted to be noticed by. So she quickly snuck out the back. --> I suggest: Tina. Not the person she wanted to see, and the last person she hoped [something in place since you just used wanted] to be noticed by.

Adam not at all amused with Tina just half grinned. --> Adam, not at all amused with Tina, just half grinned.

Adam thought for a moment, and realized he didn't know who she was. ---> No comma after moment.

"How can you not know [comma] baby?"

"How about tonight you and me have our own little party." ---> you and I

"Adam [comma] what's wrong?"

"I'm fine [semicolon or period] just go home."

First an alcoholic, now a addict. ---> an addict

The agreement was that she see Jason for 6 months and she would be clean. ---> sees

The fact that she killed on [one?] person and injured her boyfriend to the point where he didn't remember who she was?


"What are we doing?" Adam half dazed asked. --> Adam, half-dazed, asked.


"Babe [comma] slow down, [period or semicolon] you are drunk."

She caressed his bleeding forhead. ---> forehead

"911 [comma] what's your emergency?"

"Um Um, Ahh, Help us please. It hurts real bad." ----> This would be written: Um, um. Ahh... (or period) Help us, please! It hurts really bad.

"Okay [period] can you tell me where you are?"

She looked up, [remove comma] and stumbled for a moment.


Her eyes opened at the sight of Adam still lying there unconsious. --> unconscious

She could here the woman on the other line, but she couldn't respond and she just laid there, Her hand still holding the phone. -----> This would be written: She could *hear* the woman on the other line, but she couldn't respond. She just laid there, still holding the phone.




You keep adding 'and's' and 'but's' that are unnecessary and mess with the flow of your writing.


CHARACTERS:

The characters were believable.


APPEARANCE:
In between 'sections' where you divided it by "---" it seemed choppy and didn't flow into the next. I was confused because you used that and also chapters.


POSITIVES:

What I liked most: The story line was excellent. It has a lot to offer and a ton of potential. I was interested in the characters and plot.


CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM:

What I liked least: Grammar could use grooming.
My Suggestions: I'm not an EMT or anything, but I do know that they use certain terminology. Maybe consider referring to the injury as a "puncture wound" or saying "punctured the skin" or something along those lines instead of stabbing her side. This is just a suggestion, as I said - I'm not an EMT!


Image #2177652 over display limit. -?-

Image #218642 over display limit. -?-

WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  [E]
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Four time Quill winner!
by Maryann


Image #1389515 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
5
5
Review of Blindfaller  
Review by Dominique
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)

This 'fire' sig is much smaller than our other review sigs
Hello IceSkating SugarCube !!
Thank you for sharing your story with me, I thoroughly enjoyed reading your words!
Keep in mind; I am not a professional, my suggestions are just that, suggestions. Do what you feel is right for your writing! Any advice given is with love and a desire to help you become the best writer you can be.

GRAMMAR & SPELLING // WORD CHOICE:
In the beginning, before I was sucked into the story, I noticed a little bit of awkwardness with wording more than anything. Once the story stole my attention, I wasn't paying attention to spelling or grammar anymore - which is a good thing!


CHARACTERS:

The characters were believable.
Sara was humble for someone passing away. She reminded me on my grandmother when she had breast cancer -- she didn't make a fuss, didn't want to tell the world. People like that are so strong. It's easy to want to fold and grab everyone's attention when you're in that much pain and in a situation such as Sara but she didn't seem like that at all to me. She seemed to have a sense of peace. Maybe it was because she had family there who love her.

Becky is strong and there for her mother no matter what.

Skip is believable as well. He's in the situation where his mother in law is dying. Does he want to go there every day? No. But he's a good man for keeping his feelings to himself and being there for his wife in her time of need. He doesn't have to -- especially when it was made clear seeing her is hard for him. But he would have been kind of a jerk if he ACTED on those thoughts. Having them isn't bad -- it's what you do with the thoguhts that count haha.




POSITIVES:

What I liked most: This story was beautiful and horrifyingly sad - everything a Cancer story should be. I lost my mother to ovarian cancer at a young age (17) so I related to this story in more ways than I wish I did. You hit the nail on the head with the emotions, in ways that only someone with experience really could. Cancer is a terrible thing especially when it's taking over someone you love. The way this is written is incredible. You captured me right away and stole my attention.
My Favorite Part:


CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM:

I have nothing negative to say. Great story!



Image #2177652 over display limit. -?-

Image #218642 over display limit. -?-

WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  [E]
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Four time Quill winner!
by Maryann


Image #1389515 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
6
6
Review by Dominique
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Prosperous Snow . I am writing this review because I saw you in the forum for the contest 'I write in 2019'. Also, I am a Power Reviewer.

Your poem was short and sweet for the 24 syllable contest. I always struggle to find the words to write an entire qualifying review for a poem of this length. I'll do my best though.

You wrote a really great poem here. You managed to say quite a lot in such few words. I had to look up the prompt in the dictionary because I never heard the word progeny before. I love learning new words, so I appreciate the help. It can be hard to get an entire poem in such few syllables but you did it well. The message is strong too. It has a lot of meaning and history within only 24 syllables.

~ Dominique ~
GROUP
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  (E)
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Four time Quill winner!
#1300305 by Maryann


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
7
7
Review of Honing the Craft  
Review by Dominique
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hey Tinker !!!
I'm reviewing on a cell phone so excuse any errors. Sorry.

Wizards and Bards is an incredible poem! I enjoyed reading your work.

The first two lines captured my attention right away and made me want more. You have perfect rhymes here. Scribed/tribes and tales/wales were excellent and smooth contributing to flow and ease of reading.

Your dropnote containing notes of the poetic form was so informative. I appreciate that. I learned a lot from it!

GROUP
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  (E)
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Four time Quill winner!
#1300305 by Maryann


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
8
8
for entry "Intruder
Review by Dominique
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)

This 'fire' sig is much smaller than our other review sigs
Hello Carly !!
Thank you for sharing your story with me, I thoroughly enjoyed reading your words!
Keep in mind; I am not a professional, my suggestions are just that, suggestions. Do what you feel is right for your writing! Any advice given is with love and a desire to help you become the best writer you can be.

GRAMMAR & SPELLING:
You did great with grammar and spelling. I just want to suggest one thing for clarity. In your sentence: "Before I could grab her shots rang out and I dropped to the floor." I would suggest adding a comma after 'before I could grab her' You don't have to, it wouldn't be wrong if you didn't but just for clarity and smooth reading, I do suggest it.

WORD CHOICE:
You didn't use any extravagant words, but seriously, this is for a 75-word contest! I am impressed. You got across so much in such few words. That takes talent.

CHARACTERS:
With the word count limit, it's damn near impossible to get to KNOW a character. But... within a few words, I did learn that your character had a child that meant the world to her. By saying, she moved without thinking shows that her daughter is important to her. Some may think, well duh, that's her daughter but that doesn't necessarily mean anything. There's abusive parents, selfish parents, parents who would save themselves first, etc. So it shows character.

EMOTIONS:

It made me feel: Wow, this short little piece had me worried the second the child was mentioned. It was.. I would say unsettling before that moment. But when the child was mentioned, it pulled at my heartstrings especially as a mother. I just pictured my own son. It's definitely a devastating scene. I think this could be great if extended upon and free of word limitations.



Image #2177652 over display limit. -?-

Image #218642 over display limit. -?-

WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  [E]
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Four time Quill winner!
by Maryann


Image #1389515 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
9
9
Review by Dominique
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)

This 'fire' sig is much smaller than our other review sigs
Hello again, K5Rakitan !!
Thank you for sharing the rest of your story with me. I thoroughly enjoyed reading your words!
Keep in mind; I am not a professional, my suggestions are just that, suggestions. Do what you feel is right for your writing! Any advice given is with love and a desire to help you become the best writer you can be.

GRAMMAR & SPELLING:
I didn't notice any glaring grammatical errors or spelling mistakes, which is awesome. Good job!
or
I did notice some spelling mistakes.
I did notice quite a few grammatical errors in your writing. I suggest going back over your writing and remember to edit, edit, edit!

-- "Oh gee. [comma after oh, ]
-- ...so log your time through the Clockify app [ADD COMMA] and I'll check in with Mokuba periodically to make sure you're reporting accurately."
-- She did so [ADD COMMA] and Roland swabbed it with alcohol...
-- "I don't know [ADD COMMA] and I don't want to know."
-- They rode an elevator to the top floor [ADD COMMA] and Roland quietly opened the door to an executive parlor.
-- Kaiba shoved Joan backwards and pinned her to the bed. [THE WORD IS BACKWARD. NO S]
-- The room burst out clapping [ADD COMMA] and Seto strutted up the center aisle, his white trench coat swishing with his stride.
-- He's been on the front lines since day one [ADD COMMA HERE], proving to me that taking risks pays off.
-- "I did, [REMOVE COMMA] for tomorrow night. It was her earliest opening."
-- "OMG! You were right, [SEMICOLON BELONGS HERE, NOT A COMMA] he's sooooo cute!"
--I know you're doing the whole 'pretending' thing [ADD COMMA] but obviously I'm not convincing you.
-- "Bye Michelle, don't wait up for me," --> [SHOULD BE WRITTEN: Bye, [COMMA] Michelle. [PERIOD] Don't wait up for me.]
-- They made their way down to the parking lot [ADD COMMA] and Mokuba opened the passenger door to an electric blue Tesla Roadster.
-- ...a giant neon guitar neck sticking out of the first floor awning. [SPELLING: first-floor]
-- He then scanned Joan's ID [ADD COMMA] and they were ushered inside with minimal delay.
-- Once inside, Joan handed her purse over to the coat check person [ADD COMMA] and Mokuba pocketed the ticket
-- Joan waved, [REMOVE COMMA[ but had forgotten the cosplayer's name,
-- "Yo [COMMA HERE] Mokuba! How's it hanging, man?
-- Mokuba sat down [ADD COMMA] and Joan plopped beside him. --
-- "Someone stole my bicycle [ADD COMMA] and Mokuba offered me a ride home," Joan said.
-- "Aw [ADD COMMA] that's sweet.
-- Some stud's gonna knock them up anyway [ADD COMMA] and it might as well be me!"
-- They have too many unmarried women already [COMMA] and I don't have the skills most of them want in a wife.
-- "Hey [ADD COMMA] boss!" she yelled.
-- Laura gave them two thumbs up and then danced away backwards, blending into the crowd. [BACKWARD]
-- They then ordered fresh [ADD COMMA] fizzy drinks and headed upstairs.
-- He kidnapped me when I was a child to lure my brother into a duel [ADD COMMA] and stole our souls in an attempt to resurrect his dead wife."
-- ...and offering him the position of [AN] art director?"
-- "Yes, well that's [AN] established fact. The other established [REMOVE ESTABLISHED THE SECOND TIME] fact is that you hired
-- The shock had worn off [ADD COMMA] and the violation from so many absolute strangers was sinking in.
-- "Ah [ADD COMMA] ha! It's Joan," Seto said.
-- He helped Joan into it [ADD COMMA] and buckled it tight, tucking her wayward breast out of sight.


WORD CHOICE:

The word choice fit for the genre and type of story. You did slow down SLIGHTLY on saying 'whore' this 'whore' that every other sentence like you did in Part 1. It was still scattered into the story, but it was nice to at least have it toned down. The story is meant to show prostitution in a positive light, so throwing around a demeaning word every sentence doesn't exactly do that. I mentioned all that to you in the Part 1 review.

SOMETHING ELSE TO LOOK AT: Your writing is flooded with adverbs! Especially ones ending in -ly. Adverbs and weak adjectives can ruin writing.


CHARACTERS:

The characters were believable to me because I know how the sex industry is. But they seem like anime characters or something, I don't know if that's what you were going for. If this is anime then you depicted them perfectly.


POSITIVES:

What I liked most: I like how Chapter 10 was an action scene. The beginning was great then it started losing my attention in the middle. The ending action scene brought me back.


CREATIVITY:

The story is unique and has a set of qualities that differ from regular fiction or Erotica.


HELD MY ATTENTION?:

You held my attention in the beginning and the end. The middle lost me for a moment.


Image #2177652 over display limit. -?-

Image #218642 over display limit. -?-

WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  [E]
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Four time Quill winner!
by Maryann


Image #1389515 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
10
10
Review of The harsh life  
Review by Dominique
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)

This 'fire' sig is much smaller than our other review sigs
Hello K.HBey !!
Thank you for sharing your poetry with me, I thoroughly enjoyed reading your words!
Keep in mind; I am not a professional, my suggestions are just that, suggestions. Do what you feel is right for your writing! Any advice given is with love and a desire to help you become the best writer you can be.


GRAMMAR & SPELLING:
The description of the poem is filled with errors, so I'm assuming you filled it out in a rush. I always tend you rush through those without much thought as well, but it's the first thing many people see and often determines whether they will continue reading. For example, it wouldn't be difficulties hardens - it would be difficulties harden. Also, within is spelled wrong. The actual poem is written well! The one spot in the poem I couldn't help but stumble on was -- you wrote a hash life but the poem is titled a harsh life so I wondered if it was a typo as well.


WORD CHOICE:

Your words are chosen well. They have a strong effect on the reader.


RHYME & FLOW:
Obviously, rhyme is not a topic here, but it flowed well.


APPEARANCE:
The cover image is incredible. I love it. It grabbed my attention long before I read a single word. Also, centering the poem and adding italics, made the words stand out. I was much more inclined to read them when they appear interesting.

POSITIVES:

I love this poem. Even though it's a bit darker, it drew me in from the first sentence. Lost within such maze jeopardizing paths - I love that line. It sounds like someone stuck, trying to find their way in life. The mind in foolish, rejecting wisdom -- this is another powerful line. So often people reject wisdom and stray to less sensible paths in life. The ending is strong. Tomorrow has no sun -- the present fades - that line stuck with me as well. Great use of literary tools throughout the poem .


CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM:
My Suggestions: Proofread because you're an excellent writer!


Image #2177652 over display limit. -?-

Image #218642 over display limit. -?-

WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  [E]
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Four time Quill winner!
by Maryann


Image #1389515 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
11
11
Review by Dominique
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)

This 'fire' sig is much smaller than our other review sigs
Hello Lisa Noe Kittyluv um Puppyluv !!
Thank you for sharing your story with me, I thoroughly enjoyed reading your words!
Keep in mind, I am not a professional, my suggestions are just that, suggestions. At the end of the day, do what you feel is right for your writing! Any suggestion I make is done with love and a desire to simply help you become the best writer you can be.


Image #2193786 over display limit. -?-

GRAMMAR AND SPELLING:

There was quite a few grammatical errors in your writing. I suggest going back over your writing and remember to edit your work! My comments are in square brackets.

1. I grew up knowing my grandma was a Native American [period]

2. She is from the Cherokee tribe, [either a period or a semicolon belongs here] I am proud to be descended from her.

3. She had a hard life, [this comma should be a semicolon instead] people were rude and mean to her because of being what they considered as different.

4. I loved to hear the stories she would tell about her brothers and sisters, [remove the comma here] if I recall correctly [and add the comma here instead] there were about thirteen in the family.

5. She was a Christian of the highest standard, [semicolon belongs here, not a comma] I was so truly [consider removing 'truly' and remember that many -ly adverbs may seem like they'll strengthen the meaning, but they really weaken your writing] proud of my mamaw.

6. People would try to make her feel less than others because she was a native American. I will never understand that. [you don't have 'native' capitalized here]

7. She had that beautiful thick black hair, brown [add comma] perhaps black eyes and that wonderful dark skin.

8. But of course [add comma] I didn’t.

9. [Consider removing the word 'as'] As I looked like my father, who had blond hair, blue eyes, although he did have nice dark skin, but it just wasn’t as dark as mamaw’s.

10. She died in 1993, [you guessed it, semicolon] I miss her greatly.

11. It should go without say [saying] how much I miss him.

12. I am glad to be descended from the Native American people , They, in my mind, are a good and descent lot of people. [spelling: decent] [Also, you have a typo with 'people They' It seems you either meant to put a comma after people - which would then mean there's an extra space and they should be lowercase, OR you intended to write a period which would then need to be changed to a period and an excess space removed]

13. They are kind to our earth, and to Nature. [you have nature capitalized here, but it's not a proper noun]

14. In the past, when they killed a Buffalo, [they should not be capitalized] They would use every single piece of it to survive, [this should begin a new sentence and added on with the sentence after] they used the meat for food.

15. [this should be connected to the previous sentence] The skins for clothes, blankets, hides, for tents, and so on.

16. They took from [the word 'the' is necessary here] earth what was needed to survive and no more.

17. I am surely proud to be part of their heritage. ['surely' weakens this sentence.] [A stronger way to end this, would be I am proud to be part of the Native American heritage.]

** SOMETHING TO REMEMBER: When you go to put a comma, check to make sure you aren't separating two complete sentences. In those cases, it calls for a semicolon instead. **




WORD CHOICE:

The major thing that stood out to me was your excess use of adverbs. Adverbs and weak adjectives weaken our writing and could turn an award-winning piece into a mess. [I do NOT mean your writing is a mess, I'm just using it as an example]. I struggle with losing adjectives, so I understand. It's why I can point it out - I spend hours researching how to improve my writing.

A sentence that stuck out to me as weak was "They do not waste what they use to survive." Now, this is such an important sentence. You don't want it to sound weak or boring. Even changing it around slightly can change the impact. Maybe consider: The Native Americans value their belongings. Never wasting resources, they cherish life's gifts and are awarded natural survival instincts. ---> It doesn't have to be that at all, but you understand the point.


POSITIVES:

What I liked most:
This was an inspiring story about your life and family. Your love and emotions shine in this story! It doesn't mention in the genres that it's a true story, but I would assume it is. Right from the start of the story, you mention being proud of your grandma. She sounds like a strong woman, and someone to be proud of. Wow, thirteen in a family is a large family! Your great grandmother wasn't mentioned, but she was a saint!!! haha. I have one child and wear myself thin; I can't imagine having thirteen! Your grandma sounds like a wholesome lady who deserves great respect.

Another reason I appreciate this story is because of the message about not mistreating people. This is a lesson on discrimination and the true character of those that people judge.



Image #2177652 over display limit. -?-

Image #218642 over display limit. -?-

WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  [E]
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Four time Quill winner!
by Maryann


*Delight**Star* "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group Superpower Review Raid! *Star* *Star*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
12
12
Review of Cookies and Magic  
Review by Dominique
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)

This 'fire' sig is much smaller than our other review sigs
Hello Jacky !!
Thank you for sharing your short story with me, I thoroughly enjoyed reading your words!
Keep in mind; I am not a professional; my suggestions are just that, suggestions. Do what you feel is right for your writing! Any advice given is with love and a desire to help you become the best writer you can be.

GRAMMAR & SPELLING:
For the most part, everything was written well! There were only 4 small spots I'll point out to you. Great job.

1. Mom laughed, “Honey, they’re made with flour not flowers!
-----> There should be a comma after flour to read as Honey, they're made with flour, not flowers!

2. Come on, we’ll make them together!”
-----> Come on can be considered a full sentence which would mean the comma after it would really be a semicolon.

3. “You have to do me a big favor Honey!” Grammie said.
-----> Before Honey, you should have a comma just like you put a comma after honey in the sentence example before, at the start of the sentence. The ending makes no difference and should still be set off with a comma.

4. “No, Grammie. I wasn’t expecting to see the fairies, like you said, but Mom still doesn’t make cookies like yours.
-----> There shouldn't be a comma after fairies, only the one before 'but' is necessary.


WORD CHOICE:

Your word choice and tone matched the story perfectly and everything flowed well into each other. I read the story with ease. You captured my attention and kept me interested.


CHARACTERS:

The characters were believable and likeable. The little girl was adorable. The closing was cute and I can totally picture that part happening in real life. Grandma's cooking usually is better haha


CREATIVITY:

This truly was a unique story. A plus on creativity. For such a small piece of flash fiction, it captured so much in such few words. You've truly managed to achieve flash fiction which can be difficult.


Image #2177652 over display limit. -?-

Image #218642 over display limit. -?-

WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  [E]
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Four time Quill winner!
by Maryann


Image #1389515 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
13
13
Review by Dominique
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)

This 'fire' sig is much smaller than our other review sigs
Hello The Man From The Arch !!
Thank you for sharing your story with me, I thoroughly enjoyed reading your words!
Keep in mind; I am not a professional, my suggestions are just that, suggestions. Do what you feel is right for your writing! Any advice given is with love and a desire to help you become the best writer you can be.

GRAMMAR & SPELLING:
Here are areas to be noted:
1. As the Sr. Louis Blues won their first Stanley Cup [ ADD A COMMA HERE] I couldn't help but reflect on my childhood.
2. You see [ADD COMMA HERE] I was in grade school when it was built.
3. Of course [ ADD COMMA HERE ] one of the things people were curious about was many wondered what they would do if that got to the top and they were 20 ft or so off?
4. It does actually move and can stand up to 150 mile an hour winds. [mile-an-hour]
5. If St. Louis ever gets those kinds of winds [ ADD COMMA HERE ] they will have more to worry about than just the arch coming down.
6. My life has taken me hundreds of miles away from my hometown [ ADD COMMA HERE ] and yet there are still those childhood memories.


WORD CHOICE:
The sentence, "Of course one of the things people were curious about was many wondered what they would do if that got to the top and they were 20 ft or so off?" is a bit wordy in my opinion. There's nothing wrong with it grammatically aside from what was pointed out, but reading it is a mouthful. By changing around the wording slightly, you could make it into a smoother sentence for readers.

POSITIVES:

What I liked most: This is a short yet sweet paragraph of your reflections. This could really be added onto significantly and turned into something great -- even a memoir.
My Favorite Part: My favorite was the closing sentence, where you mention how life has brought you many places yet your childhood memories will always be with you, in other words.


CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM:

My Suggestions: I suggest using Grammarly, a grammar checking software to proofread your work. Grammarly is incredible and my extra set of eyes when writing.


CREATIVITY:

It was creative and original in the sense that it was your own life and memories.


Image #2177652 over display limit. -?-

Image #218642 over display limit. -?-

WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  [E]
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Four time Quill winner!
by Maryann


Image #1389515 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
14
14
Review of Sweet #9  
Review by Dominique
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)

This 'fire' sig is much smaller than our other review sigs
Hello Fivesixer !!
Thank you for sharing your story with me, I thoroughly enjoyed reading your words!
Keep in mind; I am not a professional, my suggestions are just that, suggestions. Do what you feel is right for your writing! Any advice given is with love and a desire to help you become the best writer you can be.


GRAMMAR & SPELLING:
With poetry it's always a bit difficult to comment on because people do things a particular way and in poetry, it's not right or wrong to use/not use proper punctuation. If you did mean to use punctuation throughout the entire poem, you're missing commas. If not, everything is perfect.

WORD CHOICE:
You had an excellent word choice, avoiding boring, dull language. Your words drew me in and grabbed my attention.

RHYME & FLOW:
Your poem was not a rhyming poem, which is fine. It flowed naturally and freely. *Smile*

POSITIVES:

What I liked most: The positive, motivating message. It was an inspirational poem.


EMOTIONS:
I love how you say you will boldly live with the consquences and how you are basically the reason for everythnig that happens in your life because you have the power to make your life better or worse. This is a strong message.

CREATIVITY:

It was extremely creative and original


HELD MY ATTENTION?:

You held my attention from the first sentence until the very end.


Image #2177652 over display limit. -?-

Image #218642 over display limit. -?-

WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  [E]
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Four time Quill winner!
by Maryann


Image #1389515 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
15
15
Review of Summer Falls  
Review by Dominique
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

This 'fire' sig is much smaller than our other review sigs
Hello beetle !!
Thank you for sharing your story with me, I thoroughly enjoyed reading your words!
Keep in mind; I am not a professional, my suggestions are just that, suggestions. Do what you feel is right for your writing! Any advice given is with love and a desire to help you become the best writer you can be.

GRAMMAR & SPELLING:
I didn't notice any glaring grammatical errors or spelling mistakes, which is awesome. Good job!


WORD CHOICE:

You had an excellent word choice for the theme and age group.


CHARACTERS:

The characters were believable. They were young girls trying to find themselves and their sexuality. Their parents are upset and kick them out and they run off together. This is very believable as it happens literally every day out there, in ALL relationships - not just same-sex ones. Their immaturity and youth shows in their character with their personality and actions.


APPEARANCE:

The warning up top was good for those who wouldn't want to read this topic or genre. Spacing and formatiing was done well.


CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM:

What I liked least:
My Suggestions: I think this may have to be rated a bit higher, especially since you used the F word and as you mentioned, there's implied underage sexual activity. There's nothing wrong with these things at all, but it should just be rated accordingly.


EMOTIONS:

This story was perfect in the sense that this is exactly what it is like for many couples in same-sex relationships and the intense struggles and emotions they encounter. You portrayed this excellently without it seeming overdone. Even down to the couple feeling overwhelmed by the relationship moving at a rapid pace for their age. Great job.


CREATIVITY:

I love this story. Yes, there are many stories out there about young couples finding their sexuality, but this help a sense of uniqueness because of the real feelings which shine through the story.


HELD MY ATTENTION?:

You held my attention from the first sentence until the very end.



Image #2177652 over display limit. -?-

Image #218642 over display limit. -?-

WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  [E]
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Four time Quill winner!
by Maryann


Image #1389515 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
16
16
Review by Dominique
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)

This 'fire' sig is much smaller than our other review sigs
Hello K5Rakitan !!
Thank you for sharing your story with me, I thoroughly enjoyed reading your words!
Keep in mind; I am not a professional, my suggestions are just that, suggestions. Do what you feel is right for your writing! Any advice given is with love and a desire to help you become the best writer you can be.

GRAMMAR & SPELLING:
I didn't notice too many glaring grammatical errors or spelling mistakes, which is awesome. Good job! I did make a list of things I did notice. I just want to say first, it may seem like this list is huge, but they're all such minor errors or simple fixes. Don't get overwhelmed by the 'length' of the list.

Chapter One:
- Polyamory too. ---> Polyamory, too.
- It was their fifth date and he had invited her to meet him at work,... ---> fifth date, [add comma] and
- familiar face in the room: his wife Laura. ---> it should be written as his wife, [comma] Laura
- Marc kissed Laura [add comma] and Joan exchanged nods with her.
- “I wasn’t. That was just for . . .” they passed a few technical phrases ---> They should be capitalized

Chapter two:
- it’s a historic landmark ---> historical
- Rob shook a wavy lock out of his eyes. ---> I'm not sure, but did you mean 'look' instead?
- guest appearance on our next livestream, bro?” ---> live stream
- her confidence faltered [add comma] and Matteo put a reassuring hand on her...
- “Practically [comma] the entire staff does.
- “Actually, kinda. It’s May Day and that’s . . . never mind, ---> capitalize never mind and add a comma after May Day
- ...dramatic entrance with his arms crossed [comma] and his death glare...“Thanks -- for giving my brother a warm welcome [comma] everyone.
- “Oh that? We need to get permission from the city... ---> Generally, after the word 'oh' there should be a comma when used in cases like this.
- Seto took a step forward [comma] but Mokuba caught his arm.

Chapter Three:
- That’s the base price [comma] and you charge extra for
- who was completely at ease and in fact [comma] seemed to be enjoying the show.
- I work from home and stay ahead of schedule [comma] so I don’t drop behind if something comes up.”
- “You came all this way [comma] and you have no words
- Seto obliged. “Hello [comma] Marc.
- “Oh [comma] I’m so doing that for Halloween now.”
- “Do a good job [comma] and you just might get a
- She offered her hand [comma] and Roland shook it.
- Mr. Kaiba may request of you will be performed ---> that* you
- “In any case [comma] madam,
- ! Seto Kaiba your boss?” Laura asked. ---> depending on meaning and intent this should either be 'Kaiba, your boss' or 'Kaiba, you're boss'
- “Well, we’re polyamorous [comma] and it’s not like it’s some big secret.”
- closer to the bodyguard, offering challenge. ---> a challenge
- “So you mean if he was diagnosed ---> were
- eto’s limo pulled up [comma] and the driver handed

Chapter Four:
- her dirty clothes into her backpack [comma] and they headed out the door.
- an aspiring author, a vlogger, and one of his art students. ---> blogger?
- They were about Joan's age, twenty five, not Marc's forty four. ---> twenty-five, forty-four
- She did so [comma] and her green polka dot panties popped into view.
- Oh [comma] isn't that cute
- tell my wife how rude you were to me and my girlfriend." ---> my girlfriend and me
- "Hello [comma] Mr. Aurelio.
- "Hello [comma] Ms. Saunders
- o was ask nicely [comma] and I could have helped him with that problem."
- th multicolored butterflies [comma] but Marc wasn't satisfied. Joan bought the dress for herself [comma] and they continued searching through other stores.
- Marc bought the blue dress [comma] and they settle
- Are you sleeping with him [comma] or do you need to crash on my couch?"
- He has my number [comma] but I don't have his."
- Then his finger froze [comma] and his eyes darted rapidly over the text.

Chapter Five:
- Joan slipped her hand into Mokuba's [comma] and they began strolling
- Laura a try [comma] and it worked out. Then she introduced me to a friend who became our video content manager [comma] and he's amazing
- He's a frontrunner in the industry [comma] and we
- afterwards --> afterward
"OK [comma] then. There are lots
- walked beside her, feeling awkwardness in the swing of ---> the awkwardness / awkward


WORD CHOICE:

You had an excellent word choice, avoiding boring, dull language.
I learned a few new words, including 'glom' which I thought was possibly a typo at first. An extensive vocabulary (which I unfortunately lack in some aspects) is key to writing well. Although it was a slang word as I learned, it fit well within the piece.

Suggestion: huge seemed to appear many times, and I saw you did a great job of trying to switch it up. Another synonym which may or may not work for certain places could be colossal

Also, I understand you were trying to shed light on sex work, but I was having a difficult time understanding how using the word 'whore' a million times accomplished that. As someone who is an ex-escort myself, I know that at least in America, the term whore is derogatory for sex workers and represents a woman who sleeps around for free. In America, sex workers do commonly go by the term 'hoe' but 'whore' is disrespectful to them. Could be a cultural difference, I'm not sure, but I figured I'd point it out as I have a past with the lifestyle.


APPEARANCE:
Author's notes are great, but I suggest using a dropnote for them.




CREATIVITY:

It was extremely creative.



Image #2177652 over display limit. -?-

Image #218642 over display limit. -?-

WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  [E]
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Four time Quill winner!
by Maryann


Image #1389515 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
17
17
Review by Dominique
In affiliation with CLOSED - Mental Health Writers...  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hey horserider !

EMOTIONS:
The emotions in the words were felt through my reading. Especially with 'a few days have passed since the last desperate thoughts'. I can relate to this feeling. Those breaks, however small, within a time of despair can be bittersweet... because you feel a little bit better but it's almost like you know it's not going to last. It can be overwhelming.

MESSAGE:
So throughout the entire poem, you capitalized Hope. I assume it's a person since you wrote you saw Hope walking BUT I also can't help but think you're using the word hope as the actual meaning as well. If so, it was well played within the poem. I think that was brilliant. In each place the word is used, it literally can mean (and makes sense) as both a person and the meaning 'hope'.

CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM:
- I think it would sound better if you wrote: "downward spiral" rather than 'spiraling'.
- I suggest instead of leaving a space between the first letters to make them stand out, to bold them instead. you can even bold them with a color but adding a space and breaking up words doesn't look right.





MHWA Group Sig 1

GROUP
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  (E)
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Four time Quill winner!
#1300305 by Maryann


"CLOSED - Mental Health Writers Alliance


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
18
18
Review of 68 Minutes  
Review by Dominique
In affiliation with CLOSED - Mental Health Writers...  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hey 🌓 HuntersMoon !


Message: wow. This poem holds such a strong message. Thank you for spreading awareness on this issue. You're 100% correct, not all abuse is obvious or committed by adults. And the thing is, so many times it's looked past and ignored. You mentioned how the bus driver turns a blind eye and it's so true. Bullying gets ignored-- by bus drivers, teachers, counselors, other students. It can feel very hopeless for the child. I wouldn't necessarily say I was bullied or singled out in school but kids are mean and yeah, there were absolutely times when I was picked on and not part of the "cool crowd" because I did my own thing and didn't care about being popular. But I've been it and I've witnessed people really getting the worst of it. And even with me, when I was in school I was a really sensitive kid so when I did get picked on, I'd come home crying. I can't imagine the kids who are severely bullied and beat up at school, how they feel.

Appearance: I love the cover image. It was such a great representation of your writing. Even though it's obviously not a pleasant photo, it works perfectly for the poem and shows the violence among the younger generation.

Favorite: I absolutely love the stanza "kids will be kids at least that's what they say but I don't want to be a kid if this is the price I have to pay." That was a really strong stanza.

Rhyme and Flow: You used the rhyme scheme of ABCB throughout your poem. I liked it because it wasn't too much. At first, I actually didn't even pick up on it. It flowed well.

Overall, this was an excellent poem and a powerful message! Thank you for sharing this with the community!



GROUP
CLOSED - Mental Health Writers Alliance  (GC)
A supportive 18 and over writing group for those with mental illness and their advocates
#2146090 by Charlie 🌈

MHWA Group Sig 1
"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
19
19
Review by Dominique
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Wow. This is a beautiful poetic expression about yourself. I love it. It flowed right out of my mouth wonderfully without any flaws at all. It rhymed well and nothing felt forced. The one spot though and this is something so silly but each time I read this poem, I kept adding in (without meaning to) the word "so" where it says is a tiny frail girl who's not doing [so] well. I'm not saying you should run and change it but I don't know.... my natural instinct kept adding the word there and even when I tried to read it without it, I kept accidentally adding it there. So maybe it flows better with it there or maybe I'm nuts *Laugh* that'll be for you to decide. I hope you have come to the conclusion that you didn't do anything wrong and it's definitely not your fault. I can relate to the words in this poem a lot and I know many women who can. I hope you have found the strength to move forward and if you haven't yet, I hope you will soon. *Heart*


GROUP
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  (E)
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Four time Quill winner!
#1300305 by Maryann

"CLOSED - Mental Health Writers Alliance


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
20
20
Review by Dominique
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hey! I found your poem under Read & Review and it's my honor to review.

Flow and Rhyme: Your rhymes were all perfect rhymes. None were off or near-rhymes like many like to try to pull off. The flow was exceptional, floating right off my tongue onto the next line freely. There were no awkward spots or pauses, everything went naturally when read the very first time.

Appearance: My first glance at the poem was with confusion. I'm not sure what the first line is or if it was a note you meant to get rid of but I just ignored it. My second glance was the lines in between each. There's absolutely nothing wrong with this but I think it would make it look nicer if you also center aligned it with the spaces. It's a personal preference with poems and one you don't have to choose to agree with but I think it makes poetry look more appealing.

Description: This was a wonderfully unique description of seasons changing. I love it. This poem deserves to be published if it's not already!!!! This is an excellent poem and really SHOWS the reader the seasons changing.


GROUP
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  (E)
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Four time Quill winner!
#1300305 by Maryann


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
21
21
Review of Within You  
Review by Dominique
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey, I found your poem in the Read and Review Section. It was a pleasant read and flowed naturally for the most part. I do have a few suggestions. The first two lines of the poem ends with the word "spring" - I think switching it up would help. The lines separately sound great but it doesn't flow well when placed so close together. The rhyme scheme works well with this poem. You used AABB throughout the entire poem and didn't stray from it. In stanza prays/lay is a bit off the rhyme because prays and lays rhymes or pray and lay but you wrote prays / lay. It's not a huge deal though but I just thought I'd point it out. Other than the minor spots that I pointed out, it was a lovely poem. It has beautiful imagery. Stanza two is strong and truly powerful speaking of an elder's final breath. Stanza three, line one: I'm not sure the "a" is meant to be capitalized. Powerful words. Wonderful poem. I enjoyed reading this and would love to read more of your poetry in the future. Keep up the great writing.

GROUP
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  (E)
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Four time Quill winner!
#1300305 by Maryann



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
22
22
Review of Rain  
Review by Dominique
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I saw your story on the I write forum and am glad I did. I was immediately drawn in and interested in the story. I'm NOT at all a Sci-Fi fan and I loved the story, which is definitely saying something. Normally, I'd be bored to death reading Sci-Fi and that wasn't the case at all. I was interested and wanting to know more about their language and all about this other life. My favorite part was their language and the way you found a way for them to communicate and learn a common form of communication through the tablet. The ending where he pointed to rain for his tears was a huge improvement and a great ending too. I was a small but exciting twist when he fell into the cavern area. It left me wondering. I figured the other life would be down there so that part wasn't at all surprising but it's okay, I still enjoyed it. Great job, good story. Good luck in your contest!!!


GROUP
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  (E)
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Four time Quill winner!
#1300305 by Maryann


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
23
23
Review of Curiosity  
Review by Dominique
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)

This 'fire' sig is much smaller than our other review sigs
Hello Dreamy Wood !!
Thank you for sharing your story with me, I thoroughly enjoyed reading your words!
Keep in mind; I am not a professional, my suggestions are just that, suggestions. Do what you feel is right for your writing! Any advice given is with love and a desire to help you become the best writer you can be.

GRAMMAR & SPELLING:
I did notice quite a few grammatical errors in your writing. I suggest going back over your writing and remember to edit, edit, edit!

It [ wasn't ] wan't that hard to break into the cellar.
The door, heavy and stuck. [ sentence fragment ]
...skipping over the final two, [remove comma] before the ground leveled out.
Through my shoes [comma] I could feel a slight change
but underneath that [comma] there was a faint scent
...lit somewhere to my right [comma] and I felt rough skin
Why are you down here?, [remove comma ] I wanted to
"Oh, okay!" Katie giggled awkwardly [comma ] and I
The light in front of me grew larger, but it's flickering quality remains. [you switched tenses for remains. It was be remained. ]
Katie had a couple of inches on me, [no comma ] and was
for the tips [but shouldn't be in caps ] But it wasn't her appearance that had me [doesn't make sense and there's a period after startled ] startled.to grace her shoulders.


WORD CHOICE:

You had a ton of adverbs especially -ly adverbs which weaken your writing. I suggest using a thesaurus and spicing up your writing.



OVERALL OPINION:

I think this has a lot of potential. Check your grammar and spelling. You can use a tool like Grammarly to check the grammar for you. I also suggest a thesaurus.



Image #2177652 over display limit. -?-

Image #218642 over display limit. -?-

WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  [E]
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Four time Quill winner!
by Maryann


Image #1389515 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
24
24
Review of Bayou House  
Review by Dominique
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (2.0)

This 'fire' sig is much smaller than our other review sigs
Hello Isabella !!
Thank you for sharing your story with me, I enjoyed reading your words!
Keep in mind; I am not a professional, my suggestions are just that, suggestions. Do what you feel is right for your writing! Any advice given is with love and a desire to help you become the best writer you can be.

GRAMMAR & SPELLING:
The grammar was almost difficult to read. I HIGHLY suggest using a grammar checker in the future such as grammarly to edit your work. There was so many errors that I didn't even get thm all in the editing process. Below is a copy of your story with my suggestions added in red.

Mother, father, brother [add comma] and sister ( [ remove space ]not including the cat and dog). [sat shouldn't be capitalized, and there shouldn't be a period here. This is one sentence.]Sat by the fire to cook their hot dogs, Smores, and also to ward off the occasional wind from the mountain's lake in the summer season. After eating, the mother thought it would be fun to tell a ghost story since the children were now old enough. I can't be certain [makes no sense]if be told be before, here [again, makes no sense-->]through story goes:
[Remove space between quotation and T]" There is an old mansion in the bayou of Louisiana. [missing an article]Mansion was built by a pirate who was reported to [incorrect grammar for the entire sentence] have hid some of his treasure in his house. The treasure was never know to have been found after the pirates death. The[ locals ] local believed the old pirate watched over his treasure even after death. Years passed, and the waters[crept] creeped further up the land causing damage [comma] not only to the land[comma] but also to the once beautiful mansion itself. One day[comma] a weary traveler came upon [article] old mansion to rest for the night. He was sleeping soundly when he heard a sound,[ the sound should be set apart and in italics] rap. He listened for a minute and heard nothing. He was just about to go back to sleep when he heard it again[comma] but louder, Rap, Rap. This time [article]young gentleman,[doesn't need comma] got up from the sleeping bag he laid down on[doesn't make sense] a very worn, French coach and looked around the room a moment. Tired as he [makes no sense]was give up soon and laid back down. Before he could lay his head down, he heard even louder Rap, Rap, Rap. By this time the young man was on edge and decided he would leave if the noise [continued] continue on. As before [comma]the noise stopped. He was just about to sit down, when he heard louder than ever, Rap..Rap.. "
The mother, looking at her two children, [this part doesn't make sense]knew that had become drawn into the story and time was now.
She jumped at the[ children ] Childern's at this time while saying "Raping Paper!". [wrapping paper is spelled this way if you're speaking of r]
Once the [children's ]children hearts returned to their normal pace, the mother told her children that because of all moisture over the years that the[wallpaper] wall paper [grammar] had finally was coming lose [loose]from walls and making the [rapping]raping noise. [remove "that"]That the young gentleman tore out of house [comma ]drove away, never to visit that place again.


WORD CHOICE:

I suggest going back through your writing with a thesaurus; they are our best friend! Avoid boring, dull language. Get rid of overused words! It would truly improve your writing to spruce up the wording a bit.


CHARACTERS:
I really don't have too much to say about the characters because you didn't give the reader a chance to get to know them


POSITIVES:

What I liked most: I like the idea of the story. It could become something really great if edited well and rewritten


CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM:
My Suggestions:
*BulletB* Use Grammarly for grammar and spelling
*BulletB* Use a thesaurus
*BulletB* Reread and edit your work


CREATIVITY:
So, the idea of the story was creative and a really great foundation. Build from that foundation and it could become an original, wonderful story.

Overall Opinion:
The plot of the story has potential, but it was butchered with grammatical errors. The language was dull and filled with overused words. Don't be discouraged though, there are programs like Grammarly that will correct grammar and spelling for you. There are also free classes sometimes through WdC that you can take for grammar.

Image #2177652 over display limit. -?-

Image #218642 over display limit. -?-

GROUP
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  (E)
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Four time Quill winner!
#1300305 by Maryann


Image #1389515 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
25
25
Review of One of Those Days  
Review by Dominique
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This was an interesting short flash fiction but did have a decent amount going on in such a short amount of words. I like how you left off the ending, making the reader wonder and question what could possibly happen next. It kept me interested and wishing I read more to and find out the ending of the story.

GROUP
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  (E)
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Four time Quill winner!
#1300305 by Maryann

"CLOSED - Mental Health Writers Alliance


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
230 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 10 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/mindexplore4