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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/miralms
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20 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of My Curse  
Review by MiralMS
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Dunkle,

Your poem exerts a dark and powerful attraction; the sheer simplicity of its lines echo the stark emotions within the narrator's head. Anyone who has ever felt (even fleetingly) suicidal can relate to the flow of thoughts within this poem.

I'm not sure what meter you've employed and frankly, I'm not an expert to judge, or to tell you that it's critical to follow one or the other. However, I do have a few minor suggestions which hopefully don't disrupt your intended word count and/or your chosen meter and structure:

1. Not sure I understand how the title "The Curse" fits the strongest sentiment in this poem.

2. In these lines:"My eyes settle on the knife
sitting in the sink.
It's a rather large knife."

I think it would sound better to say, "A rather large knife" and do away with the "It's" at the beginning of the line.

3. "of me picking up that knife
and cutting a line
across my arm,
watching as my blood
coats the knife
and drips down
onto the kitchen floor."

How would these lines flow if you said instead:
"of me picking it up
cutting a line across my arm
watching my blood
coat the knife,
and dripping down to the kitchen floor."

Again, if this doesn't mess up your desired structure you can also do away with words like, "as", "onto", etc.

On a more personal note, I hope this poem doesn't reflect your current or continued mental state. If yes, please reach out for help from someone you trust and try to treat yourself with compassion.

I hope all of this helps in some way.

Keep writing,
Miral









*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
2
2
Review by MiralMS
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Anne Marie,

Your poem has a fun and upbeat tone to it; very motivating with its exuberant expression! It conveys well the different ways in which you can step out of your comfort zone and realize your ambitions and desires. This kind of message never gets old!

However, I do have a few minor suggestions:

1. Perhaps I'm being dense here, but not sure what a 'Reviver' is...would that be something like an accelerator? Moving into high gear?

2. In the flow of these verses, I'm assuming that the Reviver is the inner motivator and speaking to the person's impulsive/creative side. If so, then the first two lines of the first stanza don't really fit in. They are the voice the individual is using to welcome the Reviver ("Go ahead, make my day") while the rest of the poem is in the latter's voice.

3. The 3rd line in the 4th stanza: "Make a good decision" sounds a bit out of tone with the rest of the (almost-reckless) spirit of the poem. However, I do think it sounds a bit like poet Mary Oliver's famous, "Tell me, what is it that you 'plan' to do with your one wild and precious life?" which is a line I've always loved. Not sure if that's the interpretation you'd hoped for, though.

4. In the 5th stanza, "A new day has begun, Your dreams have been fulfilled". I don't want to sound pedantic here, but is the Reviver trying to tell the person that he/she has already achieved his/her ambitions at the dawn of a new day?

5. I love the powerful line, "No more wondering if"! Not sure how it links to the following one, though, "You have won, it's your gift". A query on the same lines as #4.

Hope this helps in some way. Free to accept or discard my recommendations, of course!

Keep writing,
Miral


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
3
3
Review of Resolution Day  
Review by MiralMS
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Terrence,

What a great poem for the new year, for the first month of the new year...quite frankly for any plans of major change!

I'm not trained to judge how a poem is supposed to read in iambic pentameter or any other rhymes, but I'm sure you've followed it just fine. What I enjoy about this poem is the upbeat tone and the subtly humorous lines making fun of unrealistic, self-deluding resolutions, that carry the verse so well to a simple yet powerfully self-aware conclusion.

Keep writing!

Best,
Miral
--
4
4
Review by MiralMS
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi Elle,

Enjoyed reading your story for various reasons. I loved its realism, for one thing. I appreciated the little details of how Ben was efficiently able to take care of Mason. You may or may not have a particular incident or personal experience in mind on which you based this, but your story really conveys a powerful universal theme of humanity in the midst of brutality. I also admire your brevity which skillfully conveys the descriptions of the happenings, as well as Mason's reactions, his thoughts and emotions.

Just a couple minor suggestions, though I honestly couldn't tell if you were keeping to a strict word count per any rules of the contest you submitted this to...in that case this advice may not really work.

--Could Mason's Mom have a couple more lines of dialogue? As in, would it help the story proceed even better toward its ending if she talks a bit more to either her son when Ben first brings him home, or maybe asks Ben a couple questions about himself even though she's quite dazed by his gorgeous presence?

--Is it possible to describe Mason's emotions of joy and anticipation either when Ben says goodbye, or just after he's left? As in, he certainly felt he was doomed, but maybe you could add a few more words to mention the emotions that would be churning around in his mind?

Finally, although I definitely wouldn't know what was your strongest motivation for telling this story, I think this would make a great first chapter for a novel if you ever think of writing one. If not for anything else, Ben's strong, enigmatic personality would make for a great character in such a novel--keeping the reader guessing about how he really feels about Mason, how his values were formed, and why he stands apart from the crowd.

Hope my thoughts helped you in some way! Keep writing!

Best,
Miral
5
5
Review of It Comes Forth  
Review by MiralMS
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Siena,

I think this is a really strong first chapter! The description of Fay's labor and her daughter's birth was especially powerful and vivid.

I think the dialect for the characters' conversations is very creative.

I like the creatures described as the 'flits'. To me, it'd be great if you could briefly mention more 'fantastic' beasts--the wolves sound too common to me. Also, Fay believes that there are demons in the river, so maybe it would help if you wrote in a bit more detail as to how disoriented she is, or how she fights her fears or intense thirst to approach the river knowing how dangerous it could be.

You might want to revisit the description of the form of the demon. For instance, if it's around 30 feet tall, the river waters may not be as high as its calves. If it's featureless, would it have lips; or if it's made up of shadows, how would its arms swing by its sides, etc.? Or maybe it's just because I'm having troubling imagining its form in my head at this time.

Finally--and of course it's fully up to you--you could even divide the above into two chapters. To me, you could start a second chapter after the sentence, "How apathetic fate is". Obviously I have no clue how long each of your chapters are/will be, so again, it's your call!

Hope this feedback helps in some way! Eager to know how the rest of the tale unfolds. What adventures await Anja?

Best of luck,
Miral
6
6
Review by MiralMS
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi Cappucine,

I really enjoyed the poem, especially the rhyme and the way you kept the rhyme going without it sounding inane. I think the imagery of an individual (the poet, narrator) observing and mentally cataloging all the changes that the summer rains have wrought on the interior and exterior landscapes is very eloquent!

I interpreted 'the rains of summer' also in another way: the downpour as a metaphor for a major event that transforms things in and around the poet. Would you say that he/she experiences mixed emotions following the event--the green garden is a positive sign, while the other changes are mostly negative? To me, this poem describes the worlds of change/chaos and stillness/stasis that exist at the same point in time in a subtle way.

Would you say that the narrator/poet is simultaneously detached from what is happening around him/her, but also recognizes and acknowledges the changes happening within?

Can't think of any other feedback to provide you. I hope you find this review somewhat insightful!
7
7
Review of What if  
Review by MiralMS
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Katie,

I think this poem is incisive and hits at the sentiments that are more like platitudes. As in, my interpretation is that words like 'hope', 'understanding', and 'forgiveness' are often tossed around without any regard for one's actual situation until they just become empty words. If my interpretation is correct, your poem is a powerful reflection on living life knowing that there are no easy solutions/answers.

Minor suggestions: Not sure how consistently and correctly the punctuation is for the different lines. I mean, should there be commas breaking up some of the lines, and periods at other places? You could even try grouping and splitting the three lines for each sentiment into individual stanzas to convey the anguish more powerfully, but that's just my two cents.

Hope this review helps, and you keep on writing!

8
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Review of Fighter  
Review by MiralMS
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi WriterAtHeart,

You've definitely captured the struggle that a wounded girl faces almost every day--trying to hide her constant agony from the world and succeeding with nearly everyone but a true friend. Anyone with a disorder and disability--whether permanent or temporary--can relate to the way most people deride them for being incompetent or unmotivated, and that unfortunate judgment comes thru very clearly in the last three lines of your second stanza, and in all of the third stanza.

Just a couple minor comments and questions:

-I think it should say, "Little did she know herself" and not "knew herself".
-Why is "they" enclosed in double quotes in the last line of the second stanza? It may confuse the reader as to what is being referred to here.
-Should it be "back on her feet soon", or "back on her legs soon"? Asking because I may not have interpreted the meaning of that line accurately.

Keep writing!
9
9
Review of Winter ride  
Review by MiralMS
Rated: E | (5.0)
What a lovely, lyrical sonnet! So true, and thus so evocative of a winter wonderland. I particularly appreciate the two ending lines which to me talk of the unique and fleeting nature of beauty and enchantment.

Just a tiny bit of confusion: Not quite sure how the quail in the brush was disturbed though, because up to that point the verse talks about a calm, peaceful sleigh ride and doesn't indicate that the horse pranced with a sound.

Would love to read and learn more from sonnets such as these.
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