|Hello, JonnyKia .
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The story: A soldier wakes to find himself and a fellow soldier trapped in a partially destroyed office building. His friend is stuck in a curious mound in the floor, and when he tries to free him, the leg separates from his friend's body. The noise brings the enemy to investigate, and while he hides, he watches as the enemy devours his friend who is unable to get away. Just when he thinks they are about to get him too, he hears the sound of gun shots and is relieved when the enemy flees. We follow him as he tries to catch up to the rest of the soldiers where they have cornered the leader.
I have been here before (I've been here before)
for I had not yet had (for I'd not yet had)
"Shut the ---- up, if they hear us we’re ------ dead,” Smith said calmly (In this situation, I don't think I would be speaking calmly. Maybe wispered harshly, grunted, or something like that. They're in a bad situation, and Smith is in a worse one, so he would be anything but calm.)
I leapt down to his level due to the uneven surface (When I read this, they seemed further apart than you first led me to believe. From the way I've read this, I didn't see how it was possible for Smith to put a hand over the other man's mouth to shut him up.)
I didn’t understand why the terrain was an Earthly substance (I don't really understand why either. I don't think you gave a good enough explanation. Was it something the spiders did? Were they on the bottom level of the building? They couldn't have been in the basement since there were cubicals and desks. If the spiders somehow managed to cause it, how did they do it? I don't think earthly needs to be capitalized.)
inside of an old abandoned (inside an old abandoned)
cubicle walls were still intact, but there were only three walls standing for each office (I think you need just a little more detail here. How is the cubical walls still standing if each office only has three wall still standing? If the walls to the offices were destroyed, wouldn't it stand to reason that the room wouldn't be as intact as it seems? It would take a lot of damage to destroy the walls, so I would imagine that when the damage was done, quite a bit of the rest of the main area would be messed up.)
My neck was tilted up towards the ceiling in order to keep my back straight because even though we were in dire straits, selfishly, I still didn’t want to pull a muscle. (I don't think this is needed. It doesn't add anything to the story.)
Although I didn’t know who our enemy was or what we were facing (It seems later on that he did know what they were facing. I think at this point it would be a good idea to put in a little information about how it all started or what they were dealing with.)
and this is definitely who our team was looking for (then this must be who out team is looking for. The first part of the sentence seems like he is a little unsure, so he needed to put the pieces together.)
we locked eyed (we locked eyes)
until something rescued us or we were eliminated completely (until we were rescued or had eliminated the creatures. As you have this written, you are giving away the ending of the story, and not giving your character the hope that he needs to believe that they will succeed. If he thinks they are all going to die, why keep fighting?)
and with this I knew the area had to be clear (and realized the area had to be clear.)
“Smith must’ve carried me up here. Bastards killed a hero.” I thought to myself. (Put thoughts in italics so it's easier for the reader to separate them from normal dialog, and this will get rid of the need for using a lot of tags after them.)
(not something a normal human would do, but times had changed) (I thought these were a specially trained military team. Of course a normal human wouldn't do it, but this guy is supposed to be trained, so this is his job. From looking at the last part, was this something that he had been forced to do?)
I could see towards the end a couple of soldiers jet right where the hallway bent into a curve (Where the hallway bent into a curve on the other end, I saw a couple of soldiers jet right.)
I was the only guy left, or so I though (When did he think he was the only guy left? Was it when he saw the other guys disappear down the hallway? If it was, is he talking about being the only one left in that room? If he's talking about being the only one left alive, why is he thinking it after he has seen more men? It seems something like this would work better just as the other men started to shoot and he realized that he wasn't alone.)
I knew exactly what was coming next. Some of the demons that had escaped were able to cloak themselves to seem like their surroundings, similar to a chameleon or a walking stick. Once I saw the walls move and I confirmed I wasn’t on an acid trip I immediately opened fire. (How can he know exactly what was happening, and describe it, yet feel like he is on drugs when he sees it?)
The rifle shouted (The rifle sounded)
revealing the inside contents of the demons, these parts being uncloaked. (Here's an example of you telling the reader what happened instead of showing. You're repeating yourself. Just keep it simple with something like 'uncloaking the inside contents'.)
and then I spit on the beast, although most of it was blood (before I spit a mouthful of blood on the beast.)
As I turned around the corner (As I turned the corner,)
we had cornered the schemer into the room (the schemer was cornered in the room.)
He yelled and laughed simultaneously, (You need to find something else to describe this. It's a bit wordy. You show that he is yelling by having his dialog in capital letters, but you need an exclamation point on the end. I don't think he needs to be capitalized here.)
I turned down and to my horror (I looked down and to my horror)
furiously and rolled around the room (Did he fall on the floor to roll around the room, or was he just moving around the room trying to get them off of him?)
I lied on the unforgiving floor, (I lay on the unforgiving floor)
I noticed that you use quite a few adverbs in this story. Most publishers recommend that you only use one for every three hundred words, but is best to not use any. I found a great article that helped me, and I hope you will find it as useful as I have.
There were some places where you missed a comma, so be sure to check for those when you edit.
I've found some other articles that I think that you may find helpful to look over while you're editing. They cover some of the most common problem areas for writers.
"Dealing with the Passive Voice?"
Thoughts/feelings: This is an interesting story. I thought the conversations were realistic, and the story was believable and stayed true to a military/action theme. I had several questions and comments as you can see, but I mean no disrespect to you or your writing. I just want to help you to reach your goal as a writer. Writing isn't quite as easy as it looks. Well, writing isn't too hard, but writing something that will capture its reader's mind and draw them in, is hard. I see a lot of potential in your work, so I wanted to offer you the best that I could in this review. I'm glad that you invited me to review it for you. One other thing that I would like to mention is the item rating that you have placed on it. You may want to consider changing it from 13+ to maybe 18+ because you do use quite a bit of foul language and violence which I'm sure will get more graphic as you edit.
You may find it helpful when you edit this story to copy and paste it into a writing program on your computer to work on it a little at a time. I usually start with one paragraph at a time. I work it over until I'm as satisfied as I can get before I move on to the next one. Once I've gone through all of them, I go back through the piece looking for things that don't work, punctuation, or anything else I might find. Best of luck to you as you edit. Feel free to let me know when you have edited to your satisfaction, and I'll return to go over it again if you want me to.
This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing.
Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing.
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .