*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Creative fun in
the palm of your hand.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/missy0201/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/2
Review Requests: OFF
482 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
I pick the item apart and give as much feedback as I can about potential problems that may need to be addressed.
I'm good at...
Most grammar and punctuation issues.
Favorite Genres
Horror, Supernatural, Suspense, Thriller, Dark, Ghost, Non-sense, Comedy, or anything relating to these.
Least Favorite Genres
Erotica, Fanfiction, War, Military, Spiritual, Religious, Nonfiction, Arts, or anything relating to these.
Favorite Item Types
Short stories
Least Favorite Item Types
Poetry, Novels
I will not review...
I'll not review any item that has not be edited to the writer's best ability, or that I find impossible to read and review because of an abundance of grammar and punctuation mistakes that I feel the author could have corrected during editing.
Public Reviews
Previous ... 1 -2- 3 4 5 6 ... Next
26
26
Review of The Night Crawler  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


Hello, Vivian . *Reading*

The story: Trisha is enjoying the late evening air that's blowing in from the Pacific. She'd daydreaming about the caves that cover the cliff-front a few miles away. She focused her imagination on the rumors that Japanese soldiers were still hiding in them. She was snatched from her peaceful meditation by an arm forcing her body into her unseen assailant. He forced her into her house and tied her up. She was forced to watch as he piled the table full of food. Once the table was piled high, he took her into the bathroom and shut the door. Moments later she heard a door slam and went to investigate. All of the food was gone from the table when she entered the kitchen. She made her way to the door and locked it. As he rested against it, a knock came from the other side. *Smile*

Suggestions:

I just have one thing that I wanted to bring to your attention. I noticed that you use some of the same words over and over within the same paragraph, and closely together. It's best to try to avoid that. It can be very distracting to the reader. Try to find another way to express the objects that you're trying to show the reader.

*RollEyes*


Thoughts: I'm always up for a good horror story, so when I saw this in your port I had to give it a read. You have a very nice writing style, and everything seems to flow well from one event to the next. You've paid very close attention to the details of what was happening, and showed them very well to the reader. I can only imagine how much of an impact her discovery that the rumors were true will have on her life. Thank you for an enjoyable read. *Reading*

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing. *ThumbsUp*

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. *Delight*



"Newbie Help And Support Group on hiatus "Newbie Welcome Wagon
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
27
27
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


Hello, Prosperous Snow Moving Forward . *Reading*

The story: K.C tries to tell her aunt Lora that there is a ghost inside the refrigerator. Although there seems to be proof of its existence, Lora believes it's the work of K.C.'s imagination *Smile*

Suggestions:

she hadn’t cleaned my fridge out
You have a typo here. 'my' should be something like 'the' or 'her'.

It emits weird noise
You have a typo here. I think you mean 'It emits a weird noise.'

frozen lima bean
You have a typo here. 'Bean' should be 'beans'.

exorcist to dispel the ghost
'Dispel' doesn't seem to fit in with my image of K.C. She speaks like a normal teen, so I was surprised that she didn't use something like 'get rid of'.

wetting neatly on the floor
I don't know how it could be neatly wetting the floor. It sounds pretty messy to me.

in the bathtub
You may want to consider just calling it a 'tub' because you've mentioned the bathroom, and by adding this second 'bath', it seemed to break the flow a little.

lavender scented bubble bath
You may want to consider changing 'bubble bath' into 'soap'. The way you've written these last few sentences, you've used the word 'bath' 3 times, and you should try to avoid using the same words close together, and especially within the same paragraph. Try to find another word to use that will let the reader know what you mean.

Lora glance quickly at her niece
I think you mean 'glanced'.

so after you’re finished you’ll both be hungry.
I think that this is just repeating the idea of what K.C. making two sandwiches mean. It really doesn't do anything for the story.

In the meantime,”
Typo. You're missing the beginning quotation mark.

You may want to go back through the story and check your punctuation to make sure it's correct, specifically your comma placement. I think there are a few missing or in the wrong spots.

You also may want to consider going through and removing all of the adverbs that you can. You've not overused them, but they're not necessary to help your story along. I could see in each place that you used one that they could either be completely removed, or a minor change could be made.

*RollEyes*


Thoughts: I was looking for a fun little read when I happened upon this story. The title and description caught my attention, so I had to have a look at it. I enjoyed getting the chance to read it, but my only complaint is that it was over too soon. I really wanted to know if Lora ever found out the truth. I think you ended it well and at a good place. Even though it's not needed, I could see you doing so much more with this story if you chose to lengthen it. Thanks for an enjoyable read. *Reading*

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing. *ThumbsUp*

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. *Delight*



"Newbie Help And Support Group on hiatus "Newbie Welcome Wagon
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
28
28
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


Hello, jsj55049. *Reading*

The story: Kath and Amy set off to see the Bell Witch Cave that they've heard so much about growing up. The story has intrigued them to the point that they want to learn more about it. The tour of the cave didn't fulfill their expectations, so they went back that night hoping to see the witch, or anything else they'd heard about. While they're in the cave, they find out more than they had wanted to know. *Smile*

Suggestions:

from an Indian burial mound
I think that you mean 'ground' here. That's what we call them here in Tennessee anyway. *Wink*

pulled into traffic once more and once more headed towards
Here you have 'once more' close together in this sentence. I think you can get rid of one or both of them. I think it sounds better without either of them.

A sign said welcome to Adams, population was 566.
I'm not sure if you're quoting the sign, or informing us about it. I think it would work better if you just quoted what it said. Perhaps something like this: A sign read 'Welcome to Adams, Population 566.'

There it is, 430 Keysburg Road.
Is this an internal thought? I think it would sound better as one and put in italics so the reader doesn't get confused.

hallway but a vicious, verbal and physically abusive spirit ever to wreak havoc on one family.
This part is off a little because you are telling us what type of spirit she was, but the way it's written doesn't help to support the havoc on the family. This would be better: 'hallway, but the most vicious, verbal, and physically abusive spirit ever to wreak havoc on one family.'

Then she wouldn’t leave until John Bell died and buried in his grave.
I would remove 'then' because it slows it down some, and the sentence needs a little work because it doesn't fit just right. My suggestion: 'She wouldn't leave until John Bell died and was buried in his grave.' This lets the reader know when the haunting stopped.

Some say his death too was under suspicious circumstances
I'd suggest removing 'too'. It takes away from the flow and slows down the events.

When you are separating one person's dialog into two or more paragraphs, you don't need to put the quotation marks at the end of each paragraph until the last one. You just place them at the beginning.

There’s also believe the cave
My suggestion: 'They also believe the cave'.

One person, who didn’t believe in ghost said so out loud and was slapped
This sentence seems a little bulky and uneven. Maybe something like this would work better: 'One person who said they didn't believe in ghosts was slapped...'

In those twenty-eight years he owned this land
You have 'owners' in the first paragraph, but you have just 'he' here, and the way it's written seems off. Think about something like this: 'In the twenty-eight years they owned this land...'

quiet after Chris spoke
It may just be me, but this gives me more of a feeling that she hadn't been talking much, but we just read a whole story by her. I'd like to suggest something more like 'quiet once Chris finished speaking.'

Kath lagged behind but caught up to thank Chris. She got into her car and waited for Amy to get in.
To me this reads as if Kath was lagging behind, but she caught up and waited for Amy, who hadn't gotten there yet. I don't have a suggestion for this, but it seems like something is missing.

trespassing on her property?”
I think you mean to use a period here instead of a question mark.

Good, then it settled
Typo 'it' should be 'it's'

how they’ll sneak in
Here you're changing tense. I think you mean 'they'd'.

keeping near the large tobacco plants
You don't need 'tobacco' here. We know what they are because you said they were in a tobacco patch.

They decided against turning on the lights. They clicked on their flashlights and started walking through the first tunnel.
These two sentences seem to be contradicting each other. Did they use lights or not? If there is suppose to be some time lapse between them, the reader should know that.

louder and louder which turned into
Suggestion: 'louder and louder until it turned into'.

a mist of white just hung in midair before them and began transforming ever so slowly in a shape of a women. Mesmerized, the girls stared until the face finally materialized
'a mist of white hung in midair in front of them and slowly began to take on the shape of a woman. Mesmerized, the girls stared until the face materialized.' It's best to try to cut out as many adverbs as you can when you edit.

He called it in and gave her the nurse instructions on the treatment.
My suggestion: 'He called the nurse in and gave her the instructions for the treatment.'


*RollEyes*


Thoughts: I really liked that you used this piece of history to center your story around. It seems like you have some of the main facts covered, and enough imagination to fill in the rest. I enjoyed the story very much. That being said, I think it does need quite a bit of editing to smooth it up and add the fear that you're looking for. A lot of it seems stiff, especially the conversations. Kath's and Amy's isn't so bad, but the main one that really needs a bit of work is when Chris is telling the story. She doesn't seem to have much of a personality, and I would think that since she gave these tours a lot, she would have developed certain places where she emphasized the story, and add some personal touches. She seems stiff and inexperienced. The whole story could be a lot better if you showed more of what was going on instead of telling it. I'd love to see this story told so that it will scare the pants off of anyone who reads it. You have a good outline, and all of the key information that you need in the story. I believe this story can be so much more than it is, and it is well worth the time you spend editing it. If you decide to edit it, let me know, and I'll gladly return to review it again for you. *Reading*

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing. *ThumbsUp*

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. *Delight*



"Newbie Help And Support Group on hiatus "Newbie Welcome Wagon
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
29
29
Review of Fighting Myself  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


Hello, LG back to the writing board . *Reading*

The story: After Sarah comes home from school, she follows her normal routine before she goes in search of her two best friends, Billy and Steve. She finds them on the ground fighting as usual. She scolds them and demands an explanation, but neither give her one. She has some serious news that she has to tell them, and it breaks her heart to have to share the news. When she leaves, Steve tells Billy the truth about what's happening. *Smile*

Suggestions:

thought to herself as she stood by watching Billy
The flow is off a bit right her. I'd suggest removing 'by' to make it 'thought to herself as she stood watching Billy...'

feed the cat and check on her then off to play with the boys
This is a series of separate events, so you need a comma before 'then'.

was such a tom boy, always
was such a tomboy; always

wear pretty dresses but Sarah did not have time for all that
The 'but' is separating two complete sentences, so a comma goes before it.


Sarah when did you get here?
Sarah, when did you get here?

Billy meekly asked
I'd suggest removing 'meekly' or moving it to after 'asked'.

Oh it ain’t nothing, we were just playing
Oh, it ain't nothing. We were just playing

Unsatisfied with the answer she knew
Unsatisfied with the answer, she knew

What took you so long anyways Sarah?
This is a direct address, so you need a comma between 'anyways' and 'Sarah'. 'What took you so long anyways, Sarah?'

loved to act like so. Talking like such was only one of the ways she used to show off her older status.
You may want to consider changing 'so' to 'it' to help the flow, and remove this last sentence. You're just repeating what you've already told the reader, and this seems more like you're trying to explain why she does this to us.

What are you talking about girl?
This is another direct address, so a comma goes before girl.

Steve hated when he thought
I think you may be missing a word here. 'Steve hated it when...

Sarah what is going on
This is also a direct address, so a comma is needed after 'Sarah'. Sarah, what is going on?

as he pulled her closer, Steve always the protector
as he pulled her closer. Steve had always been the protector.

said good bye and walked away
said goodbye, and walked away

Dad and mom were talking last night and mom
Dad and mom were talking last night, and mom

*RollEyes*


Thoughts: This is a really fun story to read. It got a little sad when Sarah told the boys her news, but I think it has a wonderful ending. I really enjoyed it. The only things that I could find to comment on was dealing with punctuation. Some of the flow is off a bit, but I think that is just because of the punctuation. You may want to consider combining words such as 'did not' into 'don't' to smooth it a little, and making sure there aren't any extra words hanging it up. I did also notice that you've broken up a sentence with a comma in some places where it may be better to put in a period so it's two sentences instead of one. Otherwise, it was very fun to read. *Reading*

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing. *ThumbsUp*

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. *Delight*



"Newbie Help And Support Group on hiatus "Newbie Welcome Wagon
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
30
30
Review of The Three Swords  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


Hello, Drake . *Reading*

The story: Tyler Grant is a seven year old boy who is starting a new school. He doesn't seem like other kids. He has nightmares, and his head fills with noise. On his first day of school, he thinks he sees some kind of strange creature, and gets into a fight with a boy named Lance because Lance was bothering a girl in the class. The teacher takes Tyler's side, and the rest of the day is uneventful until his mother takes him and his brothers to the nearby park. He sees the creature again. *Smile*

Suggestions:

I was a little confused about the tense you were writing in as I read the first couple of paragraphs. You seem to move from past tense into present tense. I'd suggest going back over it and removing or changing anything that points to the past tense such as 'appeared', 'heard', 'felt', and the passive words such as 'was', 'had' and 'couldn't', just to name a few. Since the rest of the story seems to be focused on the present, you should use words such as 'appears' and 'hears', feels' along with 'is', 'has', 'are', 'could', etc.

blonde curly hair as opposed to Tyler’s black curly hair
In this sentence, you let the reader know that you are comparing their hair, so there is not need to repeat 'curly hair'. You're just repeating yourself. I'd suggest something like this: 'blond, curly hair, as opposed to the black waves of Tyler's.'

Using the part of your sentence that I used in my last comment, you should try to avoid using a word more than once in a paragraph. Always try to find another word that means the same thing, or rewrite a sentence so that you don't need to use that word again. Just in that one sentence you used 'curly hair' twice. If you'll notice in my suggestion, I rearranged that part and substituted 'waves' for 'curly hair'. You may find a better way to describe it since you know exactly what you want to say.

gets off the bed with a determined look
'with a look of determination' seems to fit better to me, but see what you think about it.

immediately runs into what the brothers affectionately
What I want to point out here is your use of adverbs. Here you have two close together which is distracting to a lot of readers who know they shouldn't be used no more than necessary. Most publishers recommend that writers only use one per every 300 words, and it's best to avoid using them at all. Most of them can be deleted without any problems, but sometimes a sentence will need to be rewritten to get rid of them. You can get out of the habit of using them if you focus on looking for them when you edit. Eventually your mind will catch them when you're writing and after some time, you'll find you've stopped using them quite a bit, or not even using them at all. If you need more information on it, here is a link about adverbs and adjectives that you may find helpful:
Writing Blunders  


Their father kissed Tyler on the cheek and tucked
This is another tense change with 'kissed' and 'tucked'. I see some more places, so try to go through the story and check all of your verbs to make sure they're used in the correct tense for the story.

high in the air hit the bad boss
'high in the air, and hit the bad boss' Just a typo here.

Tyler and the mommy would wait
Is 'the mommy' just a typo? Do you mean 'his mommy'?

always good to do things for the teacher
The way you have this written, it seems more like and internal thought, and it should be put in italics so it doesn't confuse the reader. If you don't intend it as an internal thought, you could just add something like: 'he knew it was always good...'

something strange happened/something bad happened
We don't need these to tell us when something 'strange' or 'bad' happens because you tell us what has happened, and we can figure out if it was 'strange' or 'bad' for ourselves. This is just repeating information, and it doesn't help to paint a clearer picture for the reader.

Red.
What does this mean? Did Tyler see red because he was so angry about what Lance did, or was it Lance that saw red because Tyler stood up to him? Unless one of them has a serious temper problem where they snap at the least little thing, I don't feel that this works very well.


*RollEyes*


Thoughts: This is a good idea for a story, and children are fun to work with. They seem to be able to see things that older people can't, and have great imaginations. You seemed to do a lot of skipping back and forth between the present and past tense, but I'd recommend that you write it all in the past tense. I think it would not only work better, but I think it would help the flow. The flow doesn't feel quite right, and that may be the reason. I think there is something interesting at the end of the story, but a lot of it's not really clear to the reader. I found myself wondering what was going on and why. What did they set up? Why did they set it up? Who are they ahead of, and why is it so important? These are some of the questions that you really should address in this area so the reader doesn't feel let down when they finish reading. I'd suggest copying this into a writing program to make all of your changes so you don't lose the original until you're sure you're satisfied with the edits. *Reading*

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing. *ThumbsUp*

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. *Delight*



"Newbie Help And Support Group on hiatus "Newbie Welcome Wagon
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
31
31
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


Hello, J. A. Buxton . *Reading*

The story: The reader is plagued by a few different dreams about their first car going missing. In each dream they know where they parked it, but when they go back to retrieve it, it's gone. There's another recurring dream that is mentioned about an elevator that in some ways was connected to the car dreams. *Smile*

Suggestions:

The only thing that I found that seemed to throw off the story was the repeated phrase, 'The car is gone!' It seemed unnecessary, and I felt that it brought the part before it to a complete stop which upset the overall flow. *RollEyes*


Thoughts: This is a good story, and I enjoyed getting the chance to read and review it. I liked the dreams, and you did a good job with most of the descriptions. I would have liked to have seen you expand more on each dream and give me some idea of how you felt when you found the car gone during these time, if you happened to find it in any of the dreams, or maybe hint a little about why you would spend so many nights dreaming about the car going missing. I know there is a word limit, and I think you did a good job considering that it had to be kept short. I felt also that it could use something to lead from one dream into the next to smooth it out a bit. It seems kind of like a list of your different dreams instead of you connecting the dreams on a more personal level that the reader can really connect with. You have provided some of this when you tell about where the dream takes place, and give a small bit of information, but it seems a little stiff. I think it's well work taking the time to go through it and add more detail to those places, and smooth out some of the little bumps when you get a chance. Thank you for a nice little read. *Reading*

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing. *ThumbsUp*

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. *Delight*



 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1717656 by Not Available.

"Newbie Help And Support Group on hiatus
"Newbie Welcome Wagon
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
32
32
In affiliation with Reviewing Reviewers ~ ON HIATUS  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello, Winnie Kay . *Reading*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


You are being rewarded by "Reviewing Reviewers ~ ON HIATUS [E] for giving such awesome reviews! Keep up the great work. If you'd like to contact us or request a review of one of your own items, feel free to visit "Reviewing Reviewers Public Forum [E] and let us know!

The story: Alice is a single woman who lives alone with her cat, Max. Her life seems quiet, ordinary, and peaceful. When she finishes putting her work things away and changed into her lounging clothes, so turns on her computer. While she waits, she hopes that the guy she talked to the night before will be online. Sure enough, he is, and they start talking. Eventually she leaves the conversation to feed Max and thinks she hears a strange noise. Something about the conversation between her and her new friend starts to go through her mind. Once the cat is fed, she returns to the computer to read over their messages. It was her worst nightmare come true. She checked the locks again and grabbed her pistol before calling the police. By the time the police arrive, it's too late to prevent the tragedy that they find at her apartment. *Smile*

Suggestions:

flipped the light switch
I'm not really sure that you need 'light' here. Of course, she could be flipping any kind of switch, but since she just entered a dark room, I assumed it was the lights.

positioned her purse onto its designated
This seems a little off to me because I associate 'positioning' with moving something around until it's exactly where you want it. This feels more like she has a place for it, so that's where she put it down. I think something such as 'settled'(arranged) her purse 'into' its designated...

that guy Larry is back
This feels a little more formal than the rest of her speech in these lines. You've used contractions in the rest of it, so this seems to stand out.

the can half open, and listened
A couple of little things bothered me here. I'm guessing that she was using an electric can opener, and those things are kind of loud, so unless the noise she thought she heard over it was even louder, she might not have heard it until she was finished opening the can. Another thought I had was how did she get the lid open to get the food out if it was only half open. Unless she pried that sucker open she couldn't have done it, and it would have been a little harder to get the food out. She'd have to spend time scraping it out.

Suddenly, the figure aimed
I can see so many other possibilities that would work better than this adverb such as 'As she watched', 'Before she could blink', etc. Or you could just remove it. I'll admit that I do have a serious fixation on adverbs. *Laugh*

was her loaded .38 she purchased
Perhaps 'was the loaded .38 she'd purchased' would work better. I assume that the gun is hers since she bought it.

as she gripped the gun.
This would be a good place to give us a little glimpse of the gun. Something like 'as she gripped the (description) handle.'

apartment unit just as shots
Maybe 'apartment complex' since you have a 'police unit' would work better.

step against the wall
Can you step against a wall? It sounds a little confusing and awkward. Perhaps something like: 'go stand by the wall.'

and slowly removed
I know you know what's coming here. *Wink* You could try something like: 'and slid the', or just remove it.

*RollEyes*


Thoughts: I enjoyed this story, surprise ending and all. Poor Alice. It's a shame that she was trying so hard to get her life back together, and a simple little typo did her in. I liked the individual personalities that you gave each character. You did a good job with that. I could tell that Officer Daniels was pretty worn out with dealing with her, and what he considered her overactive imagination. The pacing was nice, as well as the flow, and I didn't feel there was too many things that distracted me from enjoying it. I got a little nit-picky during this review because it's a wonderfully written piece, and I'd like to think that I've given you a review worthy of all of the wonderful reviews that you give others. It's very well written and is appropriate to today's technology. It seems like there are a couple of good lessons to be learned from this story. You can never be too careful when it comes to dealing with people online. You don't know who you are talking to when you meet someone in a chat room, and it's best to always try to protect your personal information. There are some dangerous people out there. Thank you for writing this story, Winnie. I hope I'll get a chance to come back and visit your port again. If you decide to edit, I'd be happy to come back and read it again. *Reading*

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing. *ThumbsUp*

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. *Delight*



 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1717656 by Not Available.

"Newbie Help And Support Group on hiatus
"Newbie Welcome Wagon
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
33
33
Review of A Morning Visitor  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*Candlev*


Hello, Toby . *Reading*

The story: A man goes in search of an old flame. When he doesn't find her where she used to live, he does some checking and finds her new address. He goes to her house and sits in his car for a while before he makes up his mind to go and see her. Memories run through his mind as he debates on knocking on the door, and then he hears her voice. Looking through the picture window, he finds her and sees what changes have happened in her life and how happy she is. *Smile*

Suggestions:

You may want to go through the story and change the formatting by separating it into several paragraphs, with a blank line between each, to make it easier to read without the reader getting lost.

Go over your story and look for comma errors or missing commas. It's a common mistake and they are easily overlooked.

(attached to the two big arms) (I don't think this is needed since I automatically realized that the feet must belong to the man with the big arms.)

*RollEyes*


Thoughts: When I saw the description of this story, I had to read it. It wasn't anything like I thought it would be, but it was good. You did a good job writing it from the first person point of view. I did question the need in describing things over and over. It made him sound a little threatening which wasn't what the story was about. I liked the ending. It was a nice change from what I would have expected. Thank you for writing it and sharing it with the WDC community. *Reading*

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing. *ThumbsUp*

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. *Delight*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


GROUP
Newbie Help And Support Group on hiatus  (E)
Group dedicated to helping newbies learn their way around WDC
#1767965 by Tiggy

"Newbie Welcome Wagon
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
34
34
In affiliation with The Dark Society  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello, LovingTim . *Reading*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


The story: Some boys are playing soccer in the playground and keep getting interrupted by smaller kids getting in the way. The game is ended when one of the players looses his balance and falls to the ground. One boy runs to his side to help him while the others stand around waiting for the nurse to show up. Sam eventually goes over to where the injured boy is to see what's wrong. As he checks out the situation, he realizes that blood is pooling around his face, and this motivates him to get everyone inside the building before they get swarmed by zombies. *Smile*

Suggestions:

playground and the little kids chasing each other it (playground, and the little kids chasing each other, it)

“Watch out,” ("Watch out!")

steps and then he went down (steps before he went down)

crowds and every kid in range (crowds, and every kid in range)

four of us and while I kinda (four of us, and while I kinda)

“Should’ve ran the brat over.” (Should've ran the brat over,")

play ball with but he wasn’t (play ball with, but he wasn't)

you know that right? (you know that, right?)

with her raven dark hair (I feel that you are repeating yourself by using 'raven' and 'dark' to describe her hair. I understand 'raven' to be black, so it would be dark.)

you’re right and stick by me (I wasn't sure exactly what is meant here. Should Sam stick by him because he is right, or stick close to him so he'd be able to get through the crowd?)

he was kidding but there was (he was kidding, but there was)

They weren’t related at all but Jake and Charlie (They weren't related, but Jake and Charlie)

14-years-old; short, dark blond hair; brown eyes (fourteen year olds; short with dark blond hair and brown eyes) The way you have it written, it sounds like short is describing their dark blond hair. Most of the time numbers need to be spelled out in these types of situations.

like his mom with this skin (like his mom with his skin)

It was one a telling difference between the two of them (This sentence isn't clear. Some words may be missing.)

shade was best and nap (shade was best, and nap)

Nothing. I’m just nervous you know?” ("Nothing. I'm just nervous, you know?")

quiet at night and the only reason (quiet at night, and the only reason)

because bleeding meant you were hurt (because it meant that you were hurt) Try not to use the same words close together like this or even in the same paragraph if you can help it. Find a way to either leave one of them out, or find another word to use instead.

*RollEyes*


Thoughts: I enjoyed this first part of your story, but I didn't think that the last two lines were needed. You covered the 'why' pretty well in the last paragraph. As you can see, all of my suggestions are just minor errors that you may have missed during editing. Since the majority of them deals with comma usage, you may want to consider taking the comma class that is offered through New Horizons. It really helped me. I liked the characters, but Michael's personality didn't seem to come across as well as it should have to me. I couldn't figure out if he was mean, or he just wanted everyone to think he was. You used some good descriptions, and you did a good job of setting the tone and staying with it. I felt it was believable, but check over some of the conversations to make sure they are clear enough, and each person has their own voice. Thanks for the enjoyable read. *Reading*

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing. *ThumbsUp*

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. *Delight*



GROUP
Newbie Help And Support Group on hiatus  (E)
Group dedicated to helping newbies learn their way around WDC
#1767965 by Tiggy

"Newbie Welcome Wagon
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
35
35
Review of Lionel Train  
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group ...  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hello, luminous1 .

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


This is your last review from me for your gifted package in "Hopes, Dreams & Wishes Auction. Hope you enjoy. *Smile*

The story: A man has visited a toy shop in order to try to get his son's toy train repaired. When the shop owner tells him that it can't be fixed, he decides that he will try to do it himself. As he works on it, he remembers when he'd first given it to his son. The man doesn't get the train repaired even though he struggles with memories of better days and regrets over what he's lost. *Smile*

Suggestions:

The toy had been broken beyond repair. Accord to the man with the curly black mustache, sitting behind the oak table with scratchy yellow paint that read Toy Repair Shop. (I like how you start this, but with the period between 'repair' and 'accord' (I think you mean 'according') the reader isn't sure if this was determined by the apparent shop owner. It leaves an incomplete sentence because I'm asking myself 'According to this man, what's going on?' I think the sentence need just a bit of work because it sounds a little bunched up. Perhaps something like this: According to the man with the curly black mustache, the toy had been broken beyond repair. He studied it as he sat behind the oak table with the words 'Toy Repair Shop' written in scratchy yellow paint.)

her fur coat shivering and the sound (her fur coat shivering, and the sound)

When he gets home, does he make a fire or just look at the fireplace and stove and decide against it? Wouldn't it be freezing cold in his apartment?

You write that the smoke from the toy shop choked his lungs, but he goes home and lights a cigar?

In the parlor, there were papers scattered on the counter, dishes filled up to the brim of the sink, and the burning smell from the stove-top wafting through the air. (This sounds to me like the dishes are in the parlor, and something has been left to burn on the stove-top in the kitchen.)

watched the hustle of businessmen and peddle of automobiles (I don't think you mean 'peddle' here.)

I was busy doing the taxes or cleaning the dishes or taking out the garbage or (You may want to either take out all of the 'or' but the last one, or put commas before them)

I forced the broken half's together (halves)

He sat on the mud couch (Was the couch made of mud? I think this is in the parlor, and they wasn't usually used as rooms to remove muddy or wet clothes. They were most of the time only used to entertain guests.)

Before he answered (Before I could answer)

He shrugged and we left (He didn't whine or get upset about not getting to play with his new toy, ahd having to leave it behind?)

once attached would old the piece (once attached, it would hold the piece)

Stepping off the chair (Rising from the chair)

there was nothing, but the box (there was nothing but the box... You only use a comma before For, And, Not, but, Or, Yet, and So when it connects two complete sentences. You don't use a comma before 'So' if 'that' follows it or is implied.)

head-ache (headache)

frost forming on my lips and my hands losing the ability to feel (frost forming on my lips, and my hands losing the ability to feel)

to seep the numbing cold through my body (to let the numbing cold seep through my body)

telephone on the dial (telephone on the hook)

at a sign of rebellion (at any sign of rebellion)

Here's a couple of articles that you may find helpful when you edit.

 
STATIC
Creating Motion in Fiction  (13+)
How to apply show don't tell principle and adjust the pace of the story
#1357824 by Joy

"Invalid Item

*RollEyes*


Thoughts: I liked the story, but I was a little confused throughout it at times. I figured the boy had died and the father was remembering some memories, but some things didn't seem to fit where you put them. I get that the boy died in the fire, but when you mention how the apartment looked when the man returned, it didn't sound like it had been burned. It just sounded nasty. You may want to give that more detail if you want to show that to the reader. In the ending, the sheriff tells the man it will be okay, but then changes his story in the next response. I felt like something needed to happen to change his mind between everything being fine, and the boy dying. If he knew the boy was dead, how could he say that everything was fine? Another point is that he saw smoke coming out of the windows on that floor, so I'm wondering how that is possible without the windows breaking out. It seems to me that if the fire was so out of control that the boy died and couldn't get out, then there wouldn't be much left of the apartment for him to live in. I also didn't get how newspapers had anything to do with the post office, so you may need to explain that a little more. Overall, this is a good story, and you have a good base to work with to make it really stand out. *Reading*

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing. *ThumbsUp*

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. *Delight*



"Newbie Help And Support Group on hiatus
"Newbie Welcome Wagon
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
36
36
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group ...  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello, luminous1 .

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


Congratulations on being gifted half of my package in "Hopes, Dreams & Wishes Auction Here is the first of your two reviews. I hope you enjoy. *Bigsmile*

The story: It's Valentine's Day and Alex is standing in Wal-mart trying to find the perfect gift for his new girlfriend, Tori. He's well known for his inability to give a good gift, so he's worried about what he should get her. After much debate with himself, he makes up his mind, pays for his purchases, and leaves the store. After hurrying to his car in the downpour of rain, hoping to get to Tori's house on time, his car won't start. When he finally beats it into submission, he has to go back into Wal-mart because he forgot to get the flowers he bought, but they were gone. He's now got a short amount of time to get to Tori's house, but the weather gets in his way. He finds himself sitting out the wind and rain on the side of the road. He's now late, and to beat it all, the old woman in the car behind him can't get her's started. She comes to him for help. From there, things seem to continue on a downhill slide, but things eventually turn around for him. *Smile*

Suggestions:

She is so beautiful. She has russet hair in a disheveled bun that fires out in every direction. She has sparks in her eyes that light up everyone around her. She could get the shiest person in the room to talk to her. (This sounds more like a list and is a little too stiff. Perhaps something like this: She's beautiful with her russet hair pinned in a disheveled bun, firing out in every direction. The sparks in her (color) eyes lights up everyone around her, and her personality draws even the shiest person to her side.)

but she didn't care and I didn't care (but neither of us cared)

fields were so mushy that brown footprints were tracking throughout the typically spick and span white Wal-Mart floors. (Every Wal-Mart store that I've seen has a large asphalt parking lot, so I wouldn't think there would be a lot of mud tracked in. Well, I guess they could if a lot of the shoppers walked through the fields to get there, but why would they, and their feet would probably be pretty clean by the time they crossed the parking lot.)

ran out of the store for my truck. (I think you may have meant 'car' here since you go on to talk about a Camero in the next paragraph.)

buying a stereo system and radio (I don't think you need to mention 'radio' here. I think that it's included in 'stereo system'. When I think of a stereo system I think of speakers, radio, amp, and whatever else they can find to go with it.)

needed to buy a new engine, but engine's cost a fortune (I can see where you're going with this part, but it doesn't feel like it works with some of the other things you have written. They say the car used to be a piece of crap and so they had spent several thousands of their savings to fix it up. It was bought at a junkyard, so it may or may not have ran when they bought it, but I would think that it would have needed to run before he invested so much in making it look good. Is there some reason the engine is failing now?)

I was about to pull out when I stopped. (This doesn't sound quite right. Why did he feel the need to check for the flowers?)

The clock read 7:20, and I was supposed to be there at 7:00 (The time doesn't work out right. When he went back into Wal-Mart, he had 30 minutes to get there on time. I'm guessing by the time he got back to his car, he may have had around 20 or so. Next he sits on the side of the road for several hours, but here it sounds like he is only 30 minutes late.)

I flipped it off, and the pitter-patter (I flipped it off. The pitter-patter)

igniting her car engine, but her blue Chrysler Neon's wheels didn't move ('igniting' makes me think of setting it on fire. Why would the wheels move if the car wouldn't start?)

put on repeat, and it turned off (put on repeat before she (gave up and) turned it off)

“I do,” I said. “Would you be willing to take a look at my car?” “Let me take a look at it for you.” (This conversation doesn't feel real to me. First of all, he can't even seem to keep his car running right, so how can he say he knows anything about getting a car running? She asks him to take a look at her car, then he offers to take a look at her car. His second response should probably be something along the lines of him agreeing to look at it for her.)

pulled open the engine, examining it (I think you mean that he pulled open the hood to examine the engine before checking everything else.)

She ignited the car and the wheel still didn't turn (She tried again to start the car, but the motor wouldn't turn over.)

my newly painted bright yellow Camero, (When you talked about him fixing it up before, I thought that was sometime not long after he'd gotten the car. How long has he had the car?)

Later that week, I found a 1985 Camero (I found my... Otherwise, it looks like it could have belonged to someone else and he stole it.) *RollEyes*


Thoughts: I enjoyed the story and you did a good job writing it. The poor guy seemed to have quite a few problems considering how much effort he was trying to put into giving his girlfriend a nice valentines day. There seemed to be several inconsistencies as far as the time line went through all of it. I wasn't sure of his age, so later on it caused some confusion about when he'd gotten the car and had the work done. I thought he must have been at least in his twenties since he used his savings to fix the car up. If he had the thousands of dollars while he was still in his early teens, why did his parents buy him the car? Couldn't he have taken his savings then and gotten a better car instead of pouring all of that time and money into what seems to have been a piece of crap? The flow wasn't quite right in a couple of places. I think I noted them above, but one really sticks out in my head, but I don't have any suggestions on how to rework it. When he talks about hating his car because it either runs or he's left in a cornfield seems a little wordy and stiff. Otherwise, it's a good story that needs just a little going over to help build up the story and make it clearer in some places. I'm glad that everything worked out in the end. I'd hate to think that he went through all of that for nothing. Don't be discouraged by my review of your work. It is a really good story that I'm glad I had the chance to read. *Reading*

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing. *ThumbsUp*

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. *Delight*



GROUP
Newbie Help And Support Group on hiatus  (E)
Group dedicated to helping newbies learn their way around WDC
#1767965 by Tiggy

"Newbie Welcome Wagon
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
37
37
Review of The Eyes of Death  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


Hello, Prosperous Snow Moving Forward . *Reading*

The story: Nora finds an old quilt in her back yard. She folds and places it on the table on her patio. Once her outside work is finished, she heads off for a relaxing bath before her husband gets home. While she's soaking, she hears a scream. Going to investigate, she finds a door that she'd locked opened, and the quilt on the floor. She ventures outside and comes across a body. *Smile*

Suggestions:

Nora picked up the tattered (Nora picked the tattered)

stains that covered the blanket (stains covering the blanket)

I gave to Jane before (I gave Jane before)

full trash bag to the garage, she put it in the black plastic trash (You should try to avoid using the same words so close together. As short as this story is, you would be better off to not use any of the same words like this for objects. Try to find another word that describes the same thing like 'garbage can'.)

front door, checked the patio door (This is the same as I mentioned above. You could fix this by writing something simple like this: front door, then the one leading out onto the patio.)

she had locked it (she'd locked it)

Going into the house, she locked the front door, checked the patio door to make sure she had locked it, went into the bathroom, and ran a hot bubble bath. (Although this may be technically correct, I'm not a fan of run on sentences, especially in something that is meant to be in the horror genre. It reads like a list of things she did instead of pulling the reader along as she went through these simple movements. I'd suggest that you break it down into several smaller sentences. That will also help the flow. Most of the time, long run on sentences only ruin the flow, and add nothing to the story.)

Here's a couple of articles that might help with getting more bang in your story.
 
STATIC
Creating Motion in Fiction  (13+)
How to apply show don't tell principle and adjust the pace of the story
#1357824 by Joy

"Invalid Item

I think you may want to go back through this story and check some of your punctuation. *RollEyes*


Thoughts: This is a good basis for a really chilling horror tale. I like the ideas that you've presented, and think it's a great start. Being a fan and writer of horror, I felt a little let down. I'm not the best writer, but I do know that there is no way you are going to capture the reader, build tension, and produce any type of fear in 258 words. These things take time to draw them out, you need to show the reader what's happening instead of telling them. This story 'told' the story. We should see the story. I was left with some questions an the end. Who was Jane, and what did she have to do with the quilt? Why did Nora find this quilt in her yard? How did she know where the scream came from, and why did it take so long for her to hear it? I get the shock effect at the end. It's a good concept for the story, but I'm wondering what happened? Why is she there? What did it? All I know is Nora found a quilt, went about her business, heard a scream, and found her body. These questions should be answered by the end of the story no matter the size. I like the story, and I'm glad I had a chance to read it. Like I said, it does have a lot of potential to be great. If you decide to edit it, I'd like to come back and read it again. *Reading*

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing. *ThumbsUp*

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. *Delight*



"Newbie Help And Support Group on hiatus
"Newbie Welcome Wagon
"Invalid Item

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
38
38
Review of Waiting  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


Hello, Kaelhyn . *Reading*

The story: A mother sits in a hospital waiting room waiting for news about her son who is having surgery to remove a tumor from his head. Across the room sits her husband. Their relationship has become strained and they've separated, but she wishes for his comfort but doesn't feel that she has a right to ask it of him. He leaves the room and she finds herself starting to cry. As she's trying to gain a little control, he comes back with drinks. He gathers her into his arms and they try to rebuild what they had and come to terms with what wen't wrong. The doctor soon comes into the room to update the couple on their son's condition, and so their attention is once again returned to the reason that they are there. *Smile*

Suggestions:

The silence was followed by rapid construction of walls (It seems like you have moved to past tense in this section. Perhaps: 'Silence follows the rapid construction of walls'.) *RollEyes*


Thoughts: I enjoyed reading this story. I thought you did a wonderful job writing it. The characters were believable as well as the situation. You have a very nice writing style that helped the story to flow smoothly and added to the emotional impact. The pace was nice and I had no problems following the story or what was happening. You used some very nice descriptions which made it easy for my senses to connect with the surroundings and people. I felt bad for the mother because she thought that it wasn't right to ask for comfort from her estranged husband, so I was glad when you brought them back together. This story is very emotional from a few different aspects. I felt I could connect with this woman, and she is a great character for this story. You've shown that even though she feels week throughout all of this, she is stronger than she believed. Thank you for a very enjoyable read. *Reading*

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing. *ThumbsUp*

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. *Delight*



FORUM
Hopes, Dreams & Wishes Auction  (E)
Auction to help Newbie Help & Support, Newbie Welcome Wagon and The Newbies Academy Group
#1858225 by Tiggy

"Newbie Help And Support Group on hiatus
"Newbie Welcome Wagon
"Invalid Item

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
39
39
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


Hello, Jace . *Reading*

The story: The prompt for this story is a little blue stress relief ball with a smiley face. Although there is some mention of the ball, this story centers more on the man using it. He has graduated from college with a degree in Biochemistry. After searching for a job in his field, he finally gets one with an unfamiliar lab. He spends his days trying to develop his ideas on DNA which focused on creating a 'smart drug'. The idea was for it to target diseased cells without harming anyone. During his experiments, he stumbled upon a different type of side effect that he hadn't considered. *Smile*

Thoughts: You have written quite a story for this prompt. You have done a great job of writing it. I couldn't find anything that needed to be pointed out that could improve it. I really enjoy your writing style, and you do a wonderful job of editing. This story flowed very well and swept me along the story. I thought it was very believable and a realistic possibility. I liked the personality of the main character and his thoughts about himself. I got a nice chuckle out of the part about his college graduation. I enjoyed the seemingly laid back personality of the character, and his down to earth attitude. Considering his education and employment, I would have considered him a dull character, but you made him so that the reader could relate to him. The problem that he set out to solve, and the discovery that he made were very unique. I could believe that there were scientists out there working on those very things. There seems to be an underlying truth to this story about our society and the way it's managed which lends more believably to it. I enjoyed getting the chance to read this story. Thanks for writing and sharing it with all of us. *Reading*

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing. *ThumbsUp*

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. *Delight*



GROUP
Newbie Help And Support Group on hiatus  (E)
Group dedicated to helping newbies learn their way around WDC
#1767965 by Tiggy

"Newbie Welcome Wagon
"Invalid Item

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
40
40
Review of Joshua  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


Hello, Greg Stevens . *Reading*

The story: Joshua is a 17 year old boy in his second year of college. He's intelligent, gifted, and somewhat different from other people. He is dating a girl named Elizabeth, who cares for him very much. She wants one of her friends to meet Joshua because she believes that they are a bit alike and would get along. As time goes by, Elizabeth begins to worry about Joshua. He seems to be withdrawing further from everyone. She talks to her friend about it, but there is nothing he can do. After a few conversations with Joshua he realizes that something just isn't right with him. Eventually, Joshua attempts to commit suicide and ends up in the hospital. It's there that he finally realizes that everything he'd been imagining had now come true. *Smile*

Observations/suggestions:

meticulous than necessary for young man in college ( meticulous than necessary for a young man in college)

gave me a chill in the back of my neck (gave me a chill on the back of my neck)

but it in this case it was actually mid-evening (but it in this case it was actually mid-evening)

*RollEyes*


Thoughts/feelings: Well, I have to say that this is a very unique story. You did a good job of telling it in first person. It is well written and believable. The person who is telling the story does so in a way that it was hard for me to see him as just an ordinary collage student. You set up his personality well by the language and tone you set, and by mentioning some key points about his interests and reactions. I thought it could be easy to relate to Elizabeth and her concerns. She watched Joshua transform from a somewhat normal teen, into someone constantly living in fear. He became so paranoid that he felt his only escape was through death. I felt sorry for what he was going through and how it effected his life. You did a good job describing the people, places and events throughout the story, and the conversations were realistic. I would have no problem believing that this had really happened. As a matter of fact, it has more than likely happened in some form somewhere. This is a good story that I enjoyed reading. Thank you for allowing me to read and comment on this piece of your work. I look forward to reading more of it in the future. *Reading*

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing. *ThumbsUp*

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. *Delight*



GROUP
Newbie Help And Support Group on hiatus  (E)
Group dedicated to helping newbies learn their way around WDC
#1767965 by Tiggy

"Newbie Welcome Wagon
"Invalid Item

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
41
41
Review of The Jesus Lizard  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


Hello, Nixie . *Reading*

The story: In a house already overcrowded with pets, a mother takes her son to the pet store. There they purchased a Jesus lizard. Once they were given instructions on how to care for it, they took it home and got it settled in. Since they were told it ate crickets, they had to make weekly stops at the pet store for its weekly supply. One week they went to a different store when they were informed that they also needed to give it vitamin C. Armed with this new knowledge and directions, they went home. On another trip to get more crickets they learned that it was not too big for the crickets and needed another food source, which they came to terms with as long as they could. *Smile*

Thoughts/feelings: I enjoyed reading this story. It was fun to read about the experiences that this family went through with the lizard. You told it in a laid back style which made it fun to read. I liked the humor that you used. It was a believable tale. You did a good job with the descriptions and even though most of the characters didn't have a name, you did a good job of picking out a feature that set them apart from each other. Everything seemed clear and it all flowed well. I'm glad that I had the chance to read it. Good job. *Reading*

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing. *ThumbsUp*

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. *Delight*



GROUP
Newbie Help And Support Group on hiatus  (E)
Group dedicated to helping newbies learn their way around WDC
#1767965 by Tiggy

"Newbie Welcome Wagon
"Invalid Item

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
42
42
Review of Monster Justice  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


Hello, BIG BAD WOLF . *Reading*

The story: This story is about James, a human, in a world filled with creatures of all kinds. He has found himself in a sticky situation. He is helped by a werewolf who takes the blame for a crime that has been committed against a judge and his son. *Smile*

Observations/suggestions:

and start writing (and started writing)

owned by a prominent man (You may want to consider changing 'man' to something that will describe him better. I'm sure you are wanting to surprise the reader later on when you tell what he really is, but I felt that by calling the creatures men, it led to some confusion as I read further into the story. You may want to consider just introducing them as what they are.)

two men stand in the dining room (You may want to consider changing 'men' to something vague such as 'figures' since one of them isn't a man.)

Somehow you need to let the reader know in the first part that the human's name is James. It is a bit confusing when the next part starts out with 'James'. I was left wondering for a few moments just who James was and what he had to do with anything. You don't want to give the reader any reason to stop reading, and unfortunately, I found quite a few things that stopped me along the story.

In some places it seems a bit wordy which causes the flow to falter. You should check all of your passive words such as has, had, was, were, to see if they really are needed. I noticed some places where they could easily be removed to make the flow better. It also seems that in places you have added things to try to help the reader understand and see what you want them to. We don't have to see every little detail to get the picture. A good example of some of this is the opening of the story. I found it hard to get past without having to go over it a few times to get what was happening. This is an example of some things that I would do to help word it better:

(In a large house owned by the prominent judge, two figures stand in the dining room looking at its dead owner. The end of a (how were they shaped?) horn stuck out through his mouth. As they watched (how did they watch?), his blood pooled onto the floor.)

There are a few places where you can add more detail to a passage like this. I pointed out two places, but you should do more showing instead of telling when you are writing. It paints a clearer picture and draws the reader further into the story. I've found some items that may help you get a better idea about some of the areas that I felt might need a little attention to help the story really pop. I've found them really helpful in my own writing.

 
STATIC
Creating Motion in Fiction  (13+)
How to apply show don't tell principle and adjust the pace of the story
#1357824 by Joy

"Dealing with the Passive Voice?
"Invalid Item

*RollEyes*


Thoughts/feelings: This is a really interesting story. I liked how you threw one human into a world of creatures. You showed a human side to the werewolf that made him a likable character. The ending was a surprise because I thought that the fiancee and sister were the same person. This may just be a slip, but the werewolf did have a picture of James' fiancee and said she was his sister, but in the end, you tell us the werewolf had been holding a picture of a different woman. I was left wondering who this other woman was and if this is a different picture, why would he have a picture of James's fiancee and claim that she was his sister. If it's not his sister, why would he wait and use this as an excuse to kill the judge? If he wanted him dead for some reason, why not just go ahead and do it since he killed himself anyway? While I was reading, I found a lot of places where more detail was needed to really set this story apart from just a typical story. It's really unique and I can see that it would be an excellent story with a bit more editing and focusing on the flow and details. Right now it just seems like a quick story that you rushed to get written. If you decide to edit it, I would like to come back and read it again. You have a great base to work with. Thanks for allowing me to read your work and offer my opinion for your consideration. *Reading*

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing. *ThumbsUp*

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. *Delight*



"Newbie Help And Support Group on hiatus
"Newbie Welcome Wagon
"Invalid Item

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
43
43
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


Hello, Absent Minded Professor . *Reading*

The story: A man is taken to a seafood restaurant by his friends. He doesn't like seafood, so there is nothing for him to eat. While one of his friends sits stuffing his face, another one asks why he doesn't like seafood. The whole room goes quiet so they can listen to his answer. He tells of how he was traumatized as a child, and how it led to his dislike. The story leaves everyone wondering why he came to a seafood restaurant. *Smile*

Observations/suggestions:

because the place looks (because the place looked)

who I shall dub “the Dim Sum tour guide (who I dubbed "the Dim Sum tour guide)

if many of the dishes are seafood (if many of the dishes were seafood)

a quiet had come over the restaurant (a quiet came over the restaurant)

I was just too naive think that (I was just too naive to think that}

and she gives me a look of disgust (and gave me a look of disgust)

not even on our table are (not even at out table were)

I relished the spotlight and launched into my storytelling with gusto. (After this sentence, you go into a lengthy dialog about why he doesn't eat fish. You need to put that in quotation marks so the reader knows that he is speaking out loud.)

which was 6pm incidentally (which was 6:00 p.m.)

You should go through the whole story checking all of your punctuation and making the story more active. You use a lot of passive words such as has, had, was, etc. They are very noticeable and take away from the story. Most of these words can be deleted without it changing anything, but in some places you may need to rewrite the sentence to omit them. There are times when they need to be used, but try to use them as least as possible.

I don't think there is a lot of problems with the grammar, but some of the tense is off. I tried to find as much as I could to help you.

*RollEyes*


Thoughts/feelings: This is a unique tale. You make it sound realistic and the conversations are believable. I enjoyed reading this story, and found it a bit humorous. You did a good job writing it, but it does need some editing. I know you were looking mainly for grammar and tense comments, and I tried to focus mainly on those aspects. I hope this review will help you to get a little closer to your writing goal. Thanks for the entertaining story. *Reading*

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing. *ThumbsUp*

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. *Delight*



GROUP
Newbie Help And Support Group on hiatus  (E)
Group dedicated to helping newbies learn their way around WDC
#1767965 by Tiggy

"Newbie Welcome Wagon
"Invalid Item

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
44
44
Review of WLTM IRL  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


Hello, Jeff . *Reading*

The story: A vampire named Anton learned his way around the computer and internet to find victims. He enjoyed toying with them before meeting them and later killing them. He had been quite successful until he set up a date with Kerry. He felt confident that this new victim would be as easy to manipulate as all of the others, but he found himself on the other side of the internet seduction game he liked to play. *Smile*

Thoughts/feelings: I enjoyed reading this short story. You did a good job writing it. I did find a few adverbs which I though wasn't needed, but you seemed to stay within the limits of one per every 300 words. This was a creative vampire story which I found believable and frightening. You put a new twist on vampires searching for prey that was refreshing and new. It reminded me that not everything on the net is not as safe as what we would like to believe. Although the story is good, I would have liked to see more detail and been drawn into the story. I wanted to feel everything that was going on. I thought you did a good job when you described the scent between him and Marta on the beach. I could imagine her and how his attentions could make her feel. Perhaps a little more conversation while he is online talking to his victims would paint more of a picture of how exactly he was able to seduce these women since he wasn't able to use his normal methods. Otherwise, this is a really good story that has a good message to it. You shouldn't believe everything you're told by people on the internet, especially when you're looking for a relationship. *Reading*

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing. *ThumbsUp*

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. *Delight*



GROUP
Newbie Help And Support Group on hiatus  (E)
Group dedicated to helping newbies learn their way around WDC
#1767965 by Tiggy

"Newbie Welcome Wagon
"Invalid Item

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
45
45
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


Hello, Jeff . *Reading*

The article: This article is full of helpful and encouraging advice to help participants of NaNoWriMo get through the month. It offers advice on maintaing your word count throughout the month and gives examples of some of the different strategys the writer can use to keep them from falling behind on their novel, and how to get ahead of the word count and find time to relax. It also offers suggestions to keep the writer from getting burned out while they are trying to reach their goal of 50,000 words for the month. He suggests ways to relieve the stress that can cause you to give up on the project. *Smile*

Observations/suggestions:

Which would means you could be done (Just a little typo here on 'means'.)

and if you've build up a buffer (A typo here, I think, on 'build'.)

but that doesn't mean you're going (I don't think you need 'but' here.)
*RollEyes*


Thoughts/feelings: I found this to be a very enlightening article about participating in NaNoWriMo. I considered trying it this past November, but I didn't think it was something that I was really ready for. After reading your article, I know that I was right. I may have to reconsider when it rolls around this year. You have provided quite a few tips to help writers get through a demanding month of writing. I can't even think about trying to write 50,000 words in one month because I have a hard time writing every day. I enjoyed the different ways that you broke down the word count so that the writer didn't have to feel pressured to write more than they were able to in one day. You took into account their schedules and problems that may come up. I thought you did a good job by mentioning how stressful it can be and that it's important for the writer to find some time to do something to relax them. You gave some really good advice about not being tempted to read back over your work each day. I find that I've developed the habit of going back through all of my stories before I add more to them, and I can understand the need during the contest for the writer not to. You've done a good job writing this article, and I found it very informative and honest. I like the style that you have written it in. It makes it easy to read and understand, and paints a clear picture of the differences between just writing, and writing for NaNo. Thank you for taking the time to write this article. I'm sure many people have found it helpful. *Reading*

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing. *ThumbsUp*

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. *Delight*



GROUP
Newbie Help And Support Group on hiatus  (E)
Group dedicated to helping newbies learn their way around WDC
#1767965 by Tiggy

"Newbie Welcome Wagon
"Invalid Item

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
46
46
Review of Good Ol' Boy  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


Hello, Deb . *Reading*

The poem: This poem is told form the point of view of a cowboy who recounts some of his failures to be the man that he was meant to be. As he's in bed dying from cancer, he realizes that the time has come to put his faith in God and seek forgiveness from him. *Smile*

Observations/suggestions: *RollEyes*

I can see that for the most part you are alternating between 8 and 7 syllables. I did find a few lines where it was off by one according to the pattern.

watches over me all day long (watches me all day long)
I'd screw up and she'd get mad (though I'd screw up and she'd get mad)
but I had more'n my share of fights (but had more'n my share of fights)
These are just some examples of ways you could work them into the right count.

As I read through it, there seemed to be a few bumpy lines that threw it off a little that you may want to think about. Take a few minutes and read it out loud to yourself. The first stanza flows well, and if you use that tempo as you read through the rest of the poem, it should be easy to catch those little hiccups.

In the last two stanzas, your words rhyme a little, but not enough to fit in with How well the rest of them rhyme. It throws it off a little bit.


Thoughts/feelings: You've done a good job writing this poem, and I enjoyed getting to read it. It has a wonderful message for Christians. It shows that no matter what you've done, God is there watching over you, helping you, and ready to forgive your sins. Being raised a Christian, the message that you are sending rang through loud and clear. Nice work. *Reading*

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing. *ThumbsUp*

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. *Delight*



 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1788766 by Not Available.

"Newbie Welcome Wagon
"Newbie Help & Support Writer's Hideaway

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
47
47
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


Hello, Oldwarrior . *Reading*

The story: In this first chapter, we meet Monday Von Stiehl. We learn a bit about his family history, and how he came to be born and raised in America in the early 1800s. He's born into military life, and when his parents die, he is cared for by one of his father's friends until he is 16 years old. At this point, the old man dies leaving Monday his few possessions. Monday has dreams of escaping the military life and striking out on his own to see the world, but first he needs to get a horse. An army officer talks him into challenging a preppy lieutenant for his horse. With nothing to trade except his freedom, he decides that it's worth the risk. The challenge is made and Monday loses. He then finds himself a soldier in the army for the next year, and the worst part is that he will have to serve under the same lieutenant that he challenged. *Smile*

Observations/suggestions: *RollEyes*

I will save for a later. (I will save for a later (date, time) or 'for later'.)

The Keen is for you as it be Irish (I feel like his accent changes in this section.)

Iss is goot Anna (I kept stumbling here because you were writing 'is' as 'iss', so it wasn't making sense to me. After a lot of thought, I thought that you may have meant 'this is good' so you may want to change the first word to something like 'dis'.)

It seems to me that everyone (I think you may mean 'seemed' here since you are speaking of the past.)

At leasy women were his only vice (Typo. Do you mean 'least'?)

Major a nasty look as we left the room (Major a nasty look as we left. By adding 'the room' on the end, you are just repeating yourself. Since he was being guided out of the room, we know that he is leaving the room.)

Double check your comma placement.


Thoughts/feelings: You did a good job of writing this story. It was entertaining and I enjoyed reading it. You did a good job with the dialog, especially when you needed to use accents to give us a better look at some of the other characters. The story was believable and well written. When I read your description, I though this would be a story about the old west. I didn't expect for it to begin in a military setting, so that left me to wonder if it is going to move on to a western, or stick with his military career. I guess I'll have to read on to find out. *Laugh* *Reading*

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing. *ThumbsUp*

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. *Delight*



 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1788766 by Not Available.

"Newbie Welcome Wagon
"Newbie Help & Support Writer's Hideaway

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
48
48
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group ...  
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Hello, JonnyKia .

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


The story: A soldier wakes to find himself and a fellow soldier trapped in a partially destroyed office building. His friend is stuck in a curious mound in the floor, and when he tries to free him, the leg separates from his friend's body. The noise brings the enemy to investigate, and while he hides, he watches as the enemy devours his friend who is unable to get away. Just when he thinks they are about to get him too, he hears the sound of gun shots and is relieved when the enemy flees. We follow him as he tries to catch up to the rest of the soldiers where they have cornered the leader. *Smile*

Observations/suggestions: *RollEyes*

I have been here before (I've been here before)

for I had not yet had (for I'd not yet had)

"Shut the ---- up, if they hear us we’re ------ dead,” Smith said calmly (In this situation, I don't think I would be speaking calmly. Maybe wispered harshly, grunted, or something like that. They're in a bad situation, and Smith is in a worse one, so he would be anything but calm.)

I leapt down to his level due to the uneven surface (When I read this, they seemed further apart than you first led me to believe. From the way I've read this, I didn't see how it was possible for Smith to put a hand over the other man's mouth to shut him up.)

I didn’t understand why the terrain was an Earthly substance (I don't really understand why either. I don't think you gave a good enough explanation. Was it something the spiders did? Were they on the bottom level of the building? They couldn't have been in the basement since there were cubicals and desks. If the spiders somehow managed to cause it, how did they do it? I don't think earthly needs to be capitalized.)

inside of an old abandoned (inside an old abandoned)

cubicle walls were still intact, but there were only three walls standing for each office (I think you need just a little more detail here. How is the cubical walls still standing if each office only has three wall still standing? If the walls to the offices were destroyed, wouldn't it stand to reason that the room wouldn't be as intact as it seems? It would take a lot of damage to destroy the walls, so I would imagine that when the damage was done, quite a bit of the rest of the main area would be messed up.)

My neck was tilted up towards the ceiling in order to keep my back straight because even though we were in dire straits, selfishly, I still didn’t want to pull a muscle. (I don't think this is needed. It doesn't add anything to the story.)

Although I didn’t know who our enemy was or what we were facing (It seems later on that he did know what they were facing. I think at this point it would be a good idea to put in a little information about how it all started or what they were dealing with.)

and this is definitely who our team was looking for (then this must be who out team is looking for. The first part of the sentence seems like he is a little unsure, so he needed to put the pieces together.)

we locked eyed (we locked eyes)

until something rescued us or we were eliminated completely (until we were rescued or had eliminated the creatures. As you have this written, you are giving away the ending of the story, and not giving your character the hope that he needs to believe that they will succeed. If he thinks they are all going to die, why keep fighting?)

and with this I knew the area had to be clear (and realized the area had to be clear.)

“Smith must’ve carried me up here. Bastards killed a hero.” I thought to myself. (Put thoughts in italics so it's easier for the reader to separate them from normal dialog, and this will get rid of the need for using a lot of tags after them.)

(not something a normal human would do, but times had changed) (I thought these were a specially trained military team. Of course a normal human wouldn't do it, but this guy is supposed to be trained, so this is his job. From looking at the last part, was this something that he had been forced to do?)

I could see towards the end a couple of soldiers jet right where the hallway bent into a curve (Where the hallway bent into a curve on the other end, I saw a couple of soldiers jet right.)

I was the only guy left, or so I though (When did he think he was the only guy left? Was it when he saw the other guys disappear down the hallway? If it was, is he talking about being the only one left in that room? If he's talking about being the only one left alive, why is he thinking it after he has seen more men? It seems something like this would work better just as the other men started to shoot and he realized that he wasn't alone.)

I knew exactly what was coming next. Some of the demons that had escaped were able to cloak themselves to seem like their surroundings, similar to a chameleon or a walking stick. Once I saw the walls move and I confirmed I wasn’t on an acid trip I immediately opened fire. (How can he know exactly what was happening, and describe it, yet feel like he is on drugs when he sees it?)

The rifle shouted (The rifle sounded)

revealing the inside contents of the demons, these parts being uncloaked. (Here's an example of you telling the reader what happened instead of showing. You're repeating yourself. Just keep it simple with something like 'uncloaking the inside contents'.)

and then I spit on the beast, although most of it was blood (before I spit a mouthful of blood on the beast.)

As I turned around the corner (As I turned the corner,)

we had cornered the schemer into the room (the schemer was cornered in the room.)

He yelled and laughed simultaneously, (You need to find something else to describe this. It's a bit wordy. You show that he is yelling by having his dialog in capital letters, but you need an exclamation point on the end. I don't think he needs to be capitalized here.)

I turned down and to my horror (I looked down and to my horror)

furiously and rolled around the room (Did he fall on the floor to roll around the room, or was he just moving around the room trying to get them off of him?)

I lied on the unforgiving floor, (I lay on the unforgiving floor)

I noticed that you use quite a few adverbs in this story. Most publishers recommend that you only use one for every three hundred words, but is best to not use any. I found a great article that helped me, and I hope you will find it as useful as I have.

Writing Blunders  

There were some places where you missed a comma, so be sure to check for those when you edit.

I've found some other articles that I think that you may find helpful to look over while you're editing. They cover some of the most common problem areas for writers.

 
STATIC
Creating Motion in Fiction  (13+)
How to apply show don't tell principle and adjust the pace of the story
#1357824 by Joy

"Dealing with the Passive Voice?
"Invalid Item


Thoughts/feelings: This is an interesting story. I thought the conversations were realistic, and the story was believable and stayed true to a military/action theme. I had several questions and comments as you can see, but I mean no disrespect to you or your writing. I just want to help you to reach your goal as a writer. Writing isn't quite as easy as it looks. Well, writing isn't too hard, but writing something that will capture its reader's mind and draw them in, is hard. I see a lot of potential in your work, so I wanted to offer you the best that I could in this review. I'm glad that you invited me to review it for you. One other thing that I would like to mention is the item rating that you have placed on it. You may want to consider changing it from 13+ to maybe 18+ because you do use quite a bit of foul language and violence which I'm sure will get more graphic as you edit.

You may find it helpful when you edit this story to copy and paste it into a writing program on your computer to work on it a little at a time. I usually start with one paragraph at a time. I work it over until I'm as satisfied as I can get before I move on to the next one. Once I've gone through all of them, I go back through the piece looking for things that don't work, punctuation, or anything else I might find. Best of luck to you as you edit. Feel free to let me know when you have edited to your satisfaction, and I'll return to go over it again if you want me to. *Reading*


This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing. *ThumbsUp*

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. *Delight*



"Newbie Welcome Wagon
"Invalid Item
"Newbie Help & Support Writer's Hideaway
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
49
49
Review of The Guesthouse  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


Hello, Jeff . *Reading*

The story: Antonia has left home for collage, but once there, she's not happy about the way the dorm is set up. She decides that she will try to find a place off campus to rent. She finds what she thinks is the perfect place. It's a guesthouse owned by an older man who rents it to collage students in order to supplement his small income. The room is small but furnished with everything she needs. It's connected to the main house by another door that leads into the kitchen. After a few months, she makes a new friend, and they become best friends and study partners. When Antonia invites her back to her little apartment to study, the other girl notes the address and warns Antonia about some rumors that she has heard about other girls who have rented the place. Antonia doesn't believe what she tells her, and goes back. That night she hears strange noises and spends a sleepless night, jumping at every noise she hears. The next day, she fusses at her friend for telling her the stories that caused her to be awake all night, and in her tired state, she forgot one of her books back at the apartment. She goes back to retrieve it and while she is there, her friend calls with some disturbing news. This gets her attention, and she hurries to get her things together to leave, but before she can, she learns about the owner's terrible secret. *Smile*

Observations/suggestions: *RollEyes*

crept toward the wall that had made the scraping sound (I think you mean 'where she'd heard the scraping'. As it is, it sounds like the wall made it, but a wall can't make a scraping sound.)

In the following suggestions, it seems like you changed tense during and after this conversation between Hillary and Antonia. watch for those tense changes.

“I’m sorry,” Hillary says, (I think you mean 'said'.)

Antonia sighs (I think you mean 'sighed'.)

Hillary grins. (I think you mean 'grinned'.)

Antonia gets her keys out of her bag (I think you need 'took' or something similar.)

She stops another student as they hurry by (She 'stopped' another student as they 'hurried' by.)

Antonia is just stuffing her economics textbook (Antonia 'was' just stuffing)

She smiles when she sees Hillary’s (She 'smiled' when she 'saw')

looks like she’s going to be sick ('looked' or 'felt' lake 'she was' going to be sick)

Antonia hangs up the phone and rushes for the door (Antonia 'hung' up the phone and 'rushed')

She makes her way down to the basement and rummages (She 'made' her way down to the basement and 'rummaged')

With relief, she finds them at the bottom of one of the boxes, pulls it out and turns to leave. ('Relieved' that she's 'found' them in the bottom of one of the boxes, she 'pulled' it out and 'turned' to leave.)

She rushes up the stairs, then screams and falls back as Mr. Kearns suddenly appears (She 'rushed' up the stairs, then 'screamed' and 'fell' back as Mr. Kearns suddenly 'appeared')

Antonia falls back down the stairs and lands (Antonia 'fell' back down the stairs and 'landed')

This tense change seems to go on throughout some of the rest of the story. Another thing that I want to bring to your attention is that you shouldn't use the same word over once in a paragraph. Try to use another word or phrase that means the same thing. I've seen that you have done that in several places throughout the story.

I've noticed throughout the whole story that you use quite a few unnecessary adverbs. Most publishers recommend only using one for every three hundred words, and only if you really need to. It's best if you can do away with them all. I don't think I saw any that actually improved the story. I'm going to share a link with you that I found very helpful. I hope you find it as useful as I do.

Writing Blunders  

surgical implements, power tools, and everything in between (Here I think that you could be just a little more specific. What kinds of surgical implements and power tools? Surely he doesn't have every single thing in the world down there in that small room. What is everything in between? Show me what she is seeing that is so scary.)


Thoughts/feelings: You did a good job writing this story, and I enjoyed getting to read it. The conversations felt realistic and believable. I enjoyed the pace you set. I felt that it really brought the story to life, and Antonia seemed to be the typical disbelieving teen. You did a great job of showing the interactions of all of the characters in a realistic fashion that helped to draw me into the story. I love horror, and you do a good job of writing it. I was wondering what was going on once Hillary told her about the rumors. The ending wasn't a real surprise as I read on, but the story did keep me wanting to keep reading. You did well in setting it up and finishing it. You used some good descriptions that helped to show me what was going on, and drew me into Antonia's character. I was hoping that by some miracle Antonia would make it out and turn him in. Thanks for the great read. *Reading*

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing. *ThumbsUp*

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. *Delight*



 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1788766 by Not Available.

"Newbie Welcome Wagon
"Newbie Help & Support Writer's Hideaway

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
50
50
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group ...  
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Hello, C.M Emerson .

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


The story: The story begins on a typical morning for Holli. She is getting ready for another day of school when her mother confronts her about an email she has received from Holli's principal. The subject of the email is that Holli has three failing grades. Her mother decides that she will have to stop cheer leading, which Holli's life revolves around since she is the captain of the squad. She's very upset when she leaves for school, and calls her friend on the way. She is going to be late for class, so she decides to stop and get a frappe. As she is leaving, a text comes in from her friend asking where she's at. In the next moment her life is forever changed. *Smile*

Observations/suggestions: *RollEyes*

The first thing that I want to comment on is the formatting of this chapter. When everything is written so close together without spaces, it makes it hard to read. My suggestion would be to put a blank line between each paragraph and each line of dialog to make it easier to read and review.

Is that why I am so stiff (Is that why I'm so stiff)

Taking a long stretch I pop several joints (taking a long stretch, I pop several joints.)

three feet away from my window (outside my window)

is always swarmed with (Tense change. is always swarming with)

sends the birds to flock away (sends the birds flocking away)

Of course I'm up, did (of course I'm up. Did)

my book bag. Which (my book bag, which)

after school today. And, I just so (after school today, and I just so)

It is simple enough (It's simple enough)

When you are describing the bedroom, you are doing more telling of what the room looked liked instead of showing. I feels more like a list of things and their places in the room. You want the reader to get a picture of the room. It may not be exactly the way you see it, but it is best to give the reader the room to see it for themselves. You may want to try scattering theses details throughout the beginning of the story while she's in her room. For example, when she goes to the closet to put on her outfit, this would be a good time to let the reader know that it isn't really a closet, but a pole that runs across the room. You also may not want to refer to it as a closet, but instead something general like where her clothes hung from a pole attached to each wall.

You also use the color purple to describe everything. You should avoid using the same word more than once in a paragraph. You can state all of this in a simpler way. For example, you can have her comment that she chose to decorate her room in several shades of purple because it is her favorite color. From the lavender walls, to the lilac rug covering the hard wood floor. I actually didn't get a picture of the room until you said it was a typical teenage girl's room.

Then by the door a white computer desk with my laptop and school books (Here you are basically repeating yourself from earlier when she grabbed her books off of the desk and put them in her bag. We already know that she has a desk by the time you get to this part. If you want to make sure the reader knows it's white, that would be a better time to add that hint. A good rule of thumb is to not spend too much detail on things that are not necessary to the story. You don't want the reader's attention focused on what her room looked like unless it's playing a major role in the story, and then find ways to spread it out and give hints so the image can develop in the reader's mind.

Once again purple runs wild when you are describing her car. I get it. Her favorite color is purple. *Smile* It may be better to let the reader know that her mother had it custom made in her favorite color since we already know that purple is her favorite color, that is what the reader will see.

In order to pay for my Convertible (In order to pay for it, You don't have to refer to it as a convertible here because you already said it is a convertible. You are just repeating yourself. Don't try to over explain anything to the reader. The beauty of a story is that it allows each reader to develop their own picture of what's going on in the story. It may not be exactly as you picture it, but we aren't supposed to see it as you do. Everyone sees things their own way, and the more you can draw them into the story, the clearer the picture will be. With too many details, you are telling the reader that you don't trust them to imagine the surroundings, objects, or other important things in the story.

My mother is the best real estate agent around. (I don't think you need to state this unless it's important to the story. If you feel that you have to use it, you may want to rephrase it and put it somewhere else where it flows into the story better.)

Oh no, the full name, I'm in trouble (This seems like a thought, so you may want to put it in italics to off set it from her mother speaking.)

You can hear the fear in my tone (The way it's written, I don't hear anything until you tell me I do. I think you are wanting 'I' instead of 'you'.)

just what am I going to do about it. (Is this a question?)

You will report directly (you'll)

The team does not need you (doesn't Check your conversations for these places where you can keep the conversation from feeling stiff.)

I can't not go to practice and lead my team. I can't not (you should put both of the words 'not' in italics to put more stress on them.)

This is a crisis major (major crisis)

of my classes and that evil witch (classes, and that)

OhMyGod (You need to separate and punctuate this depending on how you mean it.)

My whole world, just crushed (world just)

I turn my head to my left and I can't see. I can barely hear metal crunching. (This doesn't sound right. I've been in bad accidents, and everything seems to slow down to a point where everything is amplified, and everything is clearly seen and heard. If she can't see or hear anything, how does she hear the woman screaming, or the sirens. She could only hear herself screaming in her head.)

I can't hear anything anymore. Everyone left me. (If you are planning a novel, I would leave out this part. It makes it sound like the story is over.)

With everything formatted as it is, it was hard for me to get more specific about some areas, but I'd like to offer you a couple of links that may help you to smooth out the rough edges and put some better details into the story.
 
STATIC
Creating Motion in Fiction  (13+)
How to apply show don't tell principle and adjust the pace of the story
#1357824 by Joy

"Invalid Item


Thoughts/feelings: This seems to be a good start to a story. You did a good job with the dialog. It seemed natural, and provided quite a bit of information that the reader needed. I do think that you could use more detail to help draw the reader further into the story. It's more like a telling of facts. I didn't feel that the ending had the impact that it should have, and sounded fake and forced. Overall, I liked the story, and best of luck to you as you edit. *Reading*

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing. *ThumbsUp*

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. *Delight*



"Newbie Welcome Wagon
"Invalid Item
"Newbie Help & Support Writer's Hideaway
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
148 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 6 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/missy0201/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/2