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482 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
I pick the item apart and give as much feedback as I can about potential problems that may need to be addressed.
I'm good at...
Most grammar and punctuation issues.
Favorite Genres
Horror, Supernatural, Suspense, Thriller, Dark, Ghost, Non-sense, Comedy, or anything relating to these.
Least Favorite Genres
Erotica, Fanfiction, War, Military, Spiritual, Religious, Nonfiction, Arts, or anything relating to these.
Favorite Item Types
Short stories
Least Favorite Item Types
Poetry, Novels
I will not review...
I'll not review any item that has not be edited to the writer's best ability, or that I find impossible to read and review because of an abundance of grammar and punctuation mistakes that I feel the author could have corrected during editing.
Public Reviews
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51
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In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
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Hello Winnie Kay , *Reading*

*UmbrellaR*This review is given on behalf of "Showering Acts of Joy Group*UmbrellaR*


The story:Rebecca watches the sun rise above the mountains and longs to move on, but before she can do that, she needs to break through to Ted. She moves through the house as he wanders from one room to the next trying to get through to him. At the sound of a knock on the door, they both look out to see who it is. It's his partner from work. He's a policeman but Ted hasn't been to work in a while. Jim has come by offering to take him to the station for a visit, and shares some news about an investigation. When he leaves, Ted goes back to the kitchen to set alone. Rebecca finally gets through to him, and it brings a smile to his face. *Smile*

Thoughts/feelings:You've done a good job with this story, and I enjoyed reading it. You use some good descriptions that make it an emotional piece. I felt like I could connect with the feeling of both Rebecca and Ted, even though I've never been in Rebecca's position. The conversations were believable and real and I didn't have any problems separating each character in the story. I couldn't find anything to comment, or offer a suggestion on. Good job. *Reading*

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing. *ThumbsUp*

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. *Delight*



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#1814944 by River

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52
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
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Hello, dog pack:saving4 premium renew ,

I lucked upon this forum while I was looking through your portfolio for something to review. You've done a great job with this forum. It looks nice and inviting for all of the members. I enjoyed the way you used a poem to introduce the members to the forum. I found it very inviting and fun. The rules were friendly and showed how much you care about each person that enters the forum. Overall, I believe it is a lovely place with a nice atmosphere where everyone will be treated with love and compassion. I looked through some of the posts and saw that there are a variety of conversations, so I see that it is being used as you intended for it to. I think that you have created a nice, friendly place for all of your members to gather and talk about whatever is going on in their lives, and anything else that may be on their minds. I wish you and your members the best of luck in all that you do. Thank you for seeing the need to make a place where the writers with disabilities can feel free to be themselves and help each other. You are a great inspiration to WDC. Keep up the great work. *Reading*


This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing. *ThumbsUp*

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. *Delight*

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#1814944 by River

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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, A. P. Enderson . I'd like to welcome to WDC with a review of your work. I hope you enjoy being a part of this wonderful site as much I do.

*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*

The story: Joy has been living in an isolated facility underground for ten years. She was taken from her home at the age of seven and hasn't seen her family since then. Alone in her room, she thinks about them and wonders if they miss her, or even remember her. She often wakes in the night from terrifying nightmares of a man who is after her and tries to kill her. She has a secret though. She sneaks out of her room in the early morning hours and roams the empty hallways just to add some excitement to her otherwise boring existence. During one of her missions she is surprised by another girl. They begin to form a friendship during the early morning hours while they roam the hallways together. One night while they are hunting for a way to escape their prison, they come upon the body of dead boy who is wearing the same uniform as them. Hearing people outside the door, they hide and wait for the chance to leave. They find out that the boy was shot because he was trying to escape, but this doesn't stop their searching. Joy starts to see the man from her dreams in the hallways during the day, and in her room at night. When the second chapter ends, Joy is face to face with the man. She then realizes that he wasn't just a man in her nightmares who wants to kill her. *Smile*

Observations/suggestions: *RollEyes*

What are their lives are like up there? (You have one extra 'are' in here that should be removed.)

I slowly move it around, then slowly, the lock becomes becomes undone. (You use 'slowly' and 'becomes' twice in this sentence. You should remove one of each)

but it’s something else colors it red (Consider removing 'it's'.)

When you are editing, pay close attention to your word choices, and don't use the same word twice in the same sentence or paragraph. Try to find another word or phrase to describe it. I saw a few places that you need to look over and rework to fix that in your story.

I noticed that you use a lot of adverbs in this story. Most publishers recommend using only one per every 300 words, but it's better if you can actually not use them at all. I found a very helpful article on the subject that I think can explain why better than I can. I'm adding the link for you to check out.

Writing Blunders  


Thoughts/feelings: You did a good job on these first two chapters. I enjoyed your writing style and felt that it flowed well and was easy to follow the story. I was drawn into Joy's story and wanted to read more of it. You did a good job with your descriptions of her surroundings, thoughts, and feelings. The only things that stood out to me as I read through it was what I commented in the suggestions section. Thanks for this great read, and I look forward to reading more of this story in the future. *Reading*

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing. *ThumbsUp*

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. *Delight*




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54
54
Review of She Hunts  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello J. Marie Ravenshaw , *Reading*

*UmbrellaR*This review is given on behalf of "Showering Acts of Joy Group*UmbrellaR*


The story: Meridiana, a vampiress, is sitting in a bar waiting on her next victim. She spotted a man a few stools down the bar. Looking up from his drink, he noticed her and was drawn to her beauty. Her hunger rose inside of her until it was almost unbearable. She turned down his offer of a drink and claimed she was hungry instead. They left the bar and headed to an alleyway where they both finished the night satisfied. *Smile*

Observations/suggestions: *RollEyes*

was nursing his beer for all its worth (This reads a little off to me. Maybe a tense change? You may want to consider taking out 'for all its(it's) worth', or changing it to 'for all it was worth'.)
reign her hunger in ('reign in her hunger' seems to flow a little easier to me. It may just be because it's a phrase I'm used to though.)
'Mustn’t let it get out of control.' (since you put this in italics, I don't think that you need to also use commas to set it off as a thought.)
slowly, hoping they hadn't changed color. She slowly swiveled on the barstool and looked up toward the man. A slow (In this part you use some form of slow 3 times. It's best to try not to use the same word over and over again in the same paragraph. It's redundant and draws too much attention away from the story.)
You seem to use 'slowly' quite a bit in this story. Some other words that you might consider would be: sluggish, decrease, delay, gradual, laggard, lazy, unhurried, easy)
'Too bad I can't have all of him.' (Here's another place where you used italics and commas.)
She laughed, let him sink to the ground, straightened her clothing, and started to walk out of the alley toward the busy road. (I feel like there is too much going on in this one sentence. Perhaps something like this: she laughed as she let his body sink to the ground. She straightened her clothing before she walked out of the alley toward the busy road.)

I noticed that you use a lot of adverbs in your descriptions. It's been recommended by publishers that you limit your use of words ending in -ly to one every 300 words if you have to. Reading through this story, I couldn't see where any of them helped to move the story along. It often helps the impact of the story if you use stronger verbs instead. I believe that in another review that I did of your work I included a link that deals with adverbs and adjectives, but I'll include it in this review so you don't have to go looking for it. Writing Blunders  




Thoughts/feelings: I enjoyed reading this story. It's like most other vampire stories without any surprises, but you use some good descriptions and showed the characters and their intentions well. Apart from the suggestions I made above, you may want to go through the first two paragraphs and reword a couple of sentences to remove 'was' to make it a little more active. These were the only ones that I found that felt like they stalled the story a little bit. The conversations were believable, as well as the characters and their intentions. Overall, good job. *Reading*

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing. *ThumbsUp*

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. *Delight*



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#1814944 by River

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55
55
Review of Prisoner of Love  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello kymee , *Reading*

*UmbrellaR*This review is given on behalf of "Showering Acts of Joy Group*UmbrellaR*


The Poem: In the beginning she is expressing how she feels about the relationship. Then she tells of some of the ways he used her and admits that she's to blame also because she let him do it. This moves on to anger as she warns him about the way that he lives his life and the consequences of those actions. In the end, she has made up her mind that it is over and the biggest reason that they couldn't be together. *Smile*

Observations/suggestions: *RollEyes*

The first thing I noticed was the flow. In some places, despite the syllable count, it seems to work. Your syllable count isn't consistent in each line, so it is affecting some of the flow. I'd try to go back through it and work on it to see if you can get the same amount of syllables for each line. I'm not sure which count would be best for this poem, but you have several lines where you use 6, 7, or 8. All of the lines don't have to have the same syllable count. You could alternate between two counts by having the first and third line having one count, and line 2 and 4 having another count. There are several patterns that you can use, abut the main thing is to try and stay consistent in that pattern. I know that sometimes it can be hard to get the count just right and still keep the meaning, so just try to keep the lines as close as you can to help it flow. If you can't, try to find another pattern that will work for it.

You wrote:

I don’t want to be a victim
I’m tired of being used.
Every time I feel something
I feel I’m being abused.

Examples:

I can't be your victim
I'm tired of being used
When I believe something
I feel I am abused
(You had used the word feel twice in one sentence. I changed one of them in this example because I didn't think it worked with both of them together.)

I don't want to be your victim
I am tired of being used
Every time I believe something
I begin to feel abused
(Here you used being twice in this part which I felt threw off the flow a little. I changed it some just to show you how it could be changed.)

The next thing that I noticed was how well the rhyming was done. According to the way the rest of the poem is written, the last words of these two lines should rhyme. They are kind of close, but just not enough. What makes it really noticeable to me is that the rest of the words that you rhyme are so closely matched.

my car and for sex.
and discarded what was left.

With these two, you have used the same word, which doesn't seem work too well either.

has affected my own life.
threatening my freedom and life.



Thoughts/feelings: This is a very emotional poem. I can sense the anger, pain, and confusion that you were going through during that time. I can tell also that despite all of the anger and pain you still cared about him. I feel like even though you wanted it to be over, and had plenty of reasons to end it, you were still unsure if it was what you really wanted. It feels like in some ways you were trying to reach out to him and hoped he would see what he had done and would change. I could connect with this poem. It's really hard for me to narrow it down to just a few emotions that you were going through because if you've ever been through it, you would know that there are quite a few more that are mixed in with the main ones. Good job. *Reading*

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing. *ThumbsUp*

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. *Delight*



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#1814944 by River

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Rated: 18+ | (2.0)
Hello bobscott ,

I'm Missy and I found this chapter of yours on the Review Request page and wanted to give it a review.*Reading*



This review is being submitted by a student of Dynamic Reviewing. Thank you for allowing me to read and comment on your writing.

The chapter: In this first chapter, we meet Robert. He's an average family man with a loving wife, two daughters, and one on the way. After spending years working as a stock boy in a grocery store, he took an electrical course. He applied for electrician jobs and one called him for an interview. At the interview he was hired and then had to face quitting his other job. He dreaded making the change since he was comfortable where he was, yet he was excited to start his new job and life. *Smile*

Observations/suggestions: *RollEyes*

The first thing I noticed before I even began to read it, was the formatting. It's all over the place which makes it a little hard to read. I would suggest that you go through it and make it uniform. The biggest problem that I have seen so far is how far each paragraph is indented. In the first few, the paragraphs start near the end of the line, or middle. I wouldn't indent the conversations, but you should put a space between each speaker, and also one between each paragraph. As far as I can see, most of these problems are in the first two parts.

In the first part the story seems to back and forth between information. I would consider starting out telling about Robert's life, in order of what happened, and then moving on to the phone call.

I would switch the places of the paragraph about the caller ID and the one below it to show the reader that you have moved on to what is happening after he finished school. It's important that you keep events running in some type of order. Here is where the reader meets Robert for the first time, and learns a little about him. It's hard to focus on what is going on with him when there is something else thrown in between the introduction. I would add something about the phone ringing and him picking it up, then what the man on the other end said before Robert looked at the caller ID.

When he was looking at the caller ID box and didn't recognize the number, that could have been because of any number of reasons. It could have been a tele-marketer, an old friend, a wrong number. So, was there a name that showed up, or was it a private or unavailable number that would make him question who it was? If there was a company name, then he should know the name of the businesses where he applied for a job, so he would have then been pretty sure that the call was about a job. There's still more to think about if the call has been made from a cell phone, because that could be anyone he knows, so how could he be sure?

Bye-bye now. (I honestly can't imagine any kind of electricion ending a conversation like this, and since the guy has a rough voice, I can't picture him as a softie.)
Yep! Jess type in “Prodigy Electric” (Did you mean just instead of Jess? I would imagine that they would be the only electric company by that name in the state since most companies like that use the owners name in the title, or try not to name it after another company, so I don't see the need for him to add that it's the only one. Try to keep the conversations realistic. Don't add extra information that you think the reader should know.)

into the study/game room (Consider calling the room by one name.)
grins. The two men were working on a breaker box. (grins, working on a breaker box.)
and thrown in box in the ground (sewn together, thrown into a box, and buried in the ground.)
the restroom for minute (the restroom for a minute.

Try to avoid using the same words in the same paragraph, or close together. find another word to use instead.

grandparents rent houses (Rent houses doesn't sound right. Maybe you can find an easier way to describe them.)
Jess so long as you check out (Just as long as you check out)
hugged and kissed Lisas stomach (hugged and kissed Lisa's stomach)

In section 5 you don't have to write in every single tool. Just put it under tools for the job. This is too much information, and you are telling the reader what you want them to know instead of showing them just enough to see the list for themselves.

on the street. I think they (on the street, I think they)
nervous,” He answered “terrified (nervous," he answered. "Terrified)
laughed liked a might mad scientist (laughed like a mad scientist)
He held the drill beside his head. He gripped it with both hands and the bit pointing toward the ceiling. (he held the drill beside his head like a gun, the bit pointing toward the ceiling.)

going in but, decided to (going in, but decided to)
in a towel and shaking her head (in a towel shaking her head)
about he was secretly (about it, he was secretly)
It was so much the place or the people he would miss. It was (It wasn't so much the place or people he would miss, it was)
he got there slid open (he got there they slid open)
was very dark yet, everything (was very dark, yet)
filled with feeling of dread (filled with a feeling of dread)



Thoughts/feelings: As a first draft I think that you have made a good start on your book. It doesn't seem that any editing has been done, so you may want to think about taking care of that before you get many more reviews. It's always best to make sure that you have edited your stories as much as you can before you post them. Most serious reviewers won't read very far if it doesn't seem to have had any editing done to it. I have to admit that I struggled through this chapter. The way you have the first part set up made it choppy and hard to read. I couldn't get comfortable while reading it since none of it seemed to flow smoothly. In your descriptions, You used too much detail. All the reader needs is enough to help them paint a picture in their mind. Most of the conversations were mostly believable. I can't see how much further you could really go with this story since you seem to have written so much of it here. I would suggest picking this chapter apart and maybe turning it into a couple of chapters, or more if you wanted to. I can see how part 1 and 2 can go together, and part 3 isn't even needed in this chapter. He could meet Mike at the start of a new chapter and go through learning about the job, then a chapter going back to his home life, etc. I think you did a good job setting the tone and mood for the chapter and the tense and point of view stayed consistent depending on what was going on at that point in the chapter. I like the characters personalities, but I didn't find them to be very real at times, especially where Mike was concerned. The majority of the conversations that felt real were the ones that Robert had with Lisa. I would suggest that you pick this chapter apart a section at a time when you edit it. I think it will make a good story once you get some work done on it. I can tell that you have some talent, but it does take quite a bit of work and patience to refine it. You may want to think about copying it into a writing program on your computer so you will have easy access to it when you have some time to go through it. Don't give up. Keep writing and you will improve more everyday. I'm constantly learning how to improve my writing, and my style is constantly changing and developing into something better. If you do decide to edit this piece, I'll gladly come back and review it again. *Reading*

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing. *ThumbsUp*

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. *Delight*



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#1814944 by River

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Review of Behind Her Mask  
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello rebecca drennan ,

I'm Missy and I found this poem on "Please Review.*Reading*



This review is being submitted by a student of Dynamic Reviewing. Thank you for allowing me to read and comment on your writing.

The poem: This poem is about a woman hiding her true feeling from the world. She goes about her life showing all those around her what they expect to see, but when she is alone, she is able to be her true self, and give in to the pain in her heart. *Smile*

Observations/suggestions: *RollEyes*

The first thing that caught my attention was the meter of your poem. I counted the syllables, and they were inconsistent which caused it not to flow as smoothly as it should. The lines range from 6 to 10 syllables, but quite a few of them were at 8, and that seemed to work well for this poem. You may want to focus on each stanza, adding or subtracting a word where you need to.

This is where the count is the most inconsistent.
What a pretty
Mask she’ll wear
Inviting smile
Skin so fair

Lips pale pink
Sweetly grin
Her voice is soothing
Like a violin

I would suggest something like:
What a pretty
Mask she will wear
Inviting smile
And skin so fair

Her lips pale pink (Her pale pink lips)
Do sweetly grin
Voice soothing
Like a violin



Thoughts/feelings: The title suits this poem very well. You stay consistent with the subject throughout the piece, giving the reader a glimpse into her public and private feelings and actions. I enjoyed reading your poem. It's a very emotional piece and while I was reading it, I could understand what she was going through. I've been there a few times myself, so I know how it feels. You did a good job with making the lines rhyme without if feeling forced. I liked how you used the first four stanzas to show how she presents herself to the world, and the rest to show the side of her that only her mirror sees. I didn't find any mistakes with the grammar and since punctuation is by choice, I couldn't find anything wrong with that. Your form is good and consistent, each line capitalized. This was a nice read. Good job. *Reading*

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing. *ThumbsUp*

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. *Delight*



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#1814944 by River

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In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello Sandy~HopeWhisperer , *Reading*

*UmbrellaR*This review is given on behalf of "Showering Acts of Joy Group*UmbrellaR*


The story: Arial spent a lot of time visiting her grandmother in Mississippi. Her grandmother allowed her to play wherever she liked except of an old rundown mansion that people in the area believed to be haunted. As she grew up, she dreamed of the old house and wondered if the stories were true. When she was grown, her grandmother had been moved into a nursing home, and while visiting her, Arial decided that she would finally go to the mansion and check it out for herself. It was deserted and grown up. She found a way inside and was engulfed in darkness. She heard a voice that seemed to help her find her way and lead her to a specific room of the old house. The voice led her to an amulet, and beckoned her to take it and protect it. Before she could find her way back out, she grew more frightened, and looking in her pocket for her rosary to comfort her, she found it gone. A fog surrounded her, and just when she thought she would die there, her hand grasped a vial of holy water that she had gotten a few weeks before. She opened it and splashed the fog which disappeared. *Smile*

Observations/suggestions: *RollEyes*

home.She could explore to her heart's content.She (You need a space between both of these periods and 'She'.)
could be heard at times in the night (Was this on any particular night? Any certain time?)
people had died under shady (you have an extra space between 'had' and 'died'.)
She was coming to visit with Grandmama a while at the nursing home she lived in now that she was unable to care for herself. ( This sentence seems to just run on and becomes a little confusing. You might can reword it into two sentences to help it flow better and easier to understand.)
posted as being Dogwood Drive (posted Dogwood Drive)
Who would have thought tree shade could make such a difference? (Consider putting this in italics to make it a thought.)
peeling white paint that had covered the mansion built with heart-pine cut from the land it was built on by Caleb Mason himself. (peeling paint that covered the mansion. Caleb Mason had built the house himself from the heart-pine that grew on the land.)
What made me think the front door would be open (use italics to show this as a thought. You can then do away with 'she said to herself as'. You can replace the rest of it with 'when she found...'.)
Stop being a baby (Italics for thoughts)
light that darned candle with she was clutching so tightly? (light the darn candle she gripped in her hand)
The voice had said she'd find something to light the candle with to her left, didn't it? (The voice didn't say anything about something to light the candle with. Does she just assume that was what it meant?)
housed in a velvet lined wooden box with the initials E. M. M. carved in the side. The stone gave off a red glow (How does she know the box is lined with velvet if she hasn't opened it? Where did the stone come from?)

I noticed that you used quite a few adverbs and adjectives. It's a good rule of thumb to not use them any more than you have to. They don't add anything to a story. I have found an article on using them that I think is very useful. I'm adding it for you to look at in case you want to learn more about avoiding them.


http://www.writersdigest.com/writing-articles/by-w...


Thoughts/feelings: This has the makings of a really good horror story. An old haunted house is always a good place to start one. You never know what lies inside. I did find some things that I wanted to touch on besides the suggestions in the above section. I really didn't come away with feeling anything about the story. It's lacking a lot of missing details and information to draw me into the story and Arial's life. Everything you have written is a good base, you just need to fill in the gaps that are left, and draw out the fear and dread that she felt and the house gave off. You have some long sentences that I believe would give it more of an impact if they were shortened or divided into shorter sentences to speed up the pace so the reader doesn't get bored. I found it a little strange that she just happened to have a vial of holy water in her pocket that she just happened to know to throw on the fog. It wasn't believable. When you mentioned her being catholic, I felt that it was the wrong place to add that information about her background. It would have done better in the beginning when you were creating her character and her background. Once we had learned that about her in the beginning, it would have been more believable and made more sense that she was looking for her rosary. From the ending you have, there seems to be quite a bit more of the story to tell. You have introduce a new character, Father Frank, and have left the reader with the questions of what the amulet is, what it does, who it belonged to, and why she was chosen to receive it. You may also think about coming up with some more specific details to add to the ghost stories to give the reader reasons to believe that this is more than just a house that is supposed to be haunted. Did anyone see or feel anything strange when they were near the house?. Since this is a work in progress, I hope that I have given you some help and ideas to help you finish developing it into a great story.*Reading*

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing. *ThumbsUp*

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. *Delight*



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#1814944 by River

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59
59
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Adore Living Life♥ , *Reading*

*UmbrellaR*This review is given on behalf of "Showering Acts of Joy Group*UmbrellaR*


The story: This is a new twist on the old tale of the The Three Little Pigs. It gives a look into their lives and their individual personalities. Their mother wants them to move out because it is just too crowded with all of them living together, so one by one they find their own homes and set to work on fixing them to suit their tastes. The big bad wolf is portrayed as a misunderstood door to door salesman who doesn't have much luck when it comes to making the sale. One by one he visits each one of their homes hoping to sale them specific items that he believes they would want. With the first one he fails. When he scopes out the second one, he finds a heartbreaking surprise. With the last one, his luck seems to turn around, and he believes that at long last, he has found true love, but it seems that before the relationship can go very far, it will be doomed. *Smile*



Thoughts/feelings: I enjoyed reading this story. it's a nice twist to an old tale. I enjoyed the way you gave each of the pigs their own personality and lives. The fact that you mad the wolf into a misunderstood character was very funny. You seemed to move things right along with the original version, while adding great details that separated it from something normal, into something fun. The only thing I have to comment on is that while I was reading it, it felt a little stiff. You may can soften it up and help the flow by changing things like I am, do not, etc. to I'm, don't, etc. I couldn't help but feel also that it could use more detail to help the flow because it moves from one thing right into another without seeming to end one part before beginning the next one. I would have liked to have gotten to know all of the characters better, but did like the personality that you gave to Flowerina. It worked very nice that she had all of those friends, especially the female wolves. I liked that they were willing to beat up Ralph to protect her. You brought new life to this classic that I'm sure would entertain children of all ages. *Reading*

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing. *ThumbsUp*

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. *Delight*



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#1814944 by River

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60
60
Review of CHARLIE HEART  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hello Charlie Heart , *Reading*

*UmbrellaR*This review is given on behalf of "Showering Acts of Joy Group*UmbrellaR*


The story: In this chapter, Charlie wakes to Ginger preparing breakfast. But before he can enjoy his meal and company, there is a knock at the door. It's the elusive Mrs. Perkins who has come to call. It seems that Cassie has changed Mrs. Perkins mind about Charlie. During their conversation, Charlie realizes what Cassie has been up to, and why he hasn't heard back from her. *Smile*

Observations/suggestions: *RollEyes*

falls the her thighs (falls below her thighs)
my houses I’m afraid (my houses, I'm afraid)
squat dance naked in my apartment and (squat dance, naked in my apartment, and)
a little taken back (a little taken aback)
you are isn’t my (You are, isn't my)


Thoughts/feelings: What a turnaround and surprise. I liked how you keep adding things and bringing everything together. The chapters are short, but you seem to pack quite a bit into them. It's an easy read, and highly entertaining. So far I haven't seen anything that stands out as needing a lot of work. You have the occasional typo, and a few comma mistakes, but I can't find any thing else wrong. I was surprised enough when Mrs. Perkins came to see him, but to learn that after all of that snooping that Cassie did while Charlie was away, she used it to get to Mrs. Perkins life insurance policy before Charlie could. I'm enjoying the way you tell this story. It's keeping me on my toes throughout each chapter. I think it would do well if you publish it. It was nice to see that Ginger stayed over with him, and I bet that it was awkward when Mrs. Perkins showed up out of the blue. I had hoped that the sneaky little worm that he is, would have been able to get that policy, but I can just imagine what was going through his head when she told him about Cassie. Good job. *Reading*

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing. *ThumbsUp*

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. *Delight*



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#1814944 by River

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61
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Review of CHARLIE HEART  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello Charlie Heart , *Reading*

*UmbrellaR*This review is given on behalf of "Showering Acts of Joy Group*UmbrellaR*


The story: This is about a man named Charlie Heart who scams dying people out of their life insurance. He spends most of his time in hospitals and nursing homes, visiting the patients in hopes of finding just the right people to scam. he doesn't have a conscience, and isn't worried about the repercussions of his actions. He's cynical and heartless in his pursuit of money. He does have a few redeeming qualities when it comes to his friend Bruce. *Smile*

Observations/suggestions: *RollEyes*

Chapter 1
more annoyed of the flipping (more annoyed by the flipping)

Chapter 2
She is kind of girl (She is the kind of girl)

Chapter 3
a forty nine story high apartment building (a forty-nine story apartment building)
If anything in is this world (If anything in this world)

Chapter 6
about how his wife becoming (about his wife becoming)
To contrary belief Contrary to belief)
Hips, legs, should-blades (Hips, legs, shoulder-blades)
I am actually surprised to see her still standing there. You should find another way to let the reader know that this is not Cassie)
I work at nuclear (I work at a nuclear)
ramble when Im drunk (ramble when I'm drunk)
takes me big complete (takes me by complete)
on what she saying (on what she was saying)

Chapter 8
reading for amateur movie (reading for an amateur movie)
pointed to one general direction (pointed in one general direction)
He say he’s safe now (He says he's safe now)
tongue is un able to find (tongue is unable to find)
the midgets get up (the midgets gets up)
control her their lives (control of their lives)

Chapter 9
a little taken back (a little taken aback)
actually a good at it (actually good at it)
hovers above you lips (hovers above your lips)
we remain crouch (we remain crouched)
trying to through me over (trying to throw me over)
thick lips into mine (thick lips onto mine)

You should go back and check your comma placement throughout these chapters.


Thoughts/feelings: This is a really unique story. I don't think I've ever read anything quite like it. I mean that in a good way. I honestly didn't know what to expect after the first chapter, but I obviously couldn't stop reading it since I have already gone through half of your chapters in this review. I couldn't find anything major wrong with it except small little little things that I noted above. I was just going to jump to a chapter and review it, but after some thought, I decided that it might be best to at least read through it and find out a little bit about what it was about. I'm glad I did, otherwise I wouldn't have had a clue about some important things in chapter 9 that could have been confused for mistakes. You change the point of view a couple of times, but after I read through it again, I realized that this wasn't a mistake. It was actually linked to the seminar in chapter 8. I thought that was a great way to tie the chapters together and remind the reader of his experience. So far it seems that this may be an important part of the story, and will begin a major change that he will go through. Against my better judgment, I honestly have to say that I like Charlie, and I'm hoping that he will find some meaning in his life. You have done a good job of writing it so far, and I look forward to reading the rest of the story. *Reading*

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing. *ThumbsUp*

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. *Delight*



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#1814944 by River

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62
62
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello elizjohn ,

I'm Missy and I chose to review this piece of your writing because found it on the Review Request page and thought I would help you out with a review.*Reading*



This review is being submitted by a student of Dynamic Reviewing. Thank you for allowing me to read and comment on your writing.

The story: This story is about two different families be connected by one tragic event. It seems to be told in two parts. One from each family's point of view on the events that have taken place regarding the tragedy. In the first part, a mother receives a phone call from he son Joe telling her that her other son, Cyrus is dead. The mother is grieving at her loss but is also feeling guilty because she wasn't there. The pain of watching Cyrus die was too much for her to bear. Her son Joe tries to comfort her and ease her pain, guilt, and concerns. In the second part, a wife receives a call from her husband letting her know that Cyrus is dead. She is holding a picture of her daughter that she misses very much. She feels a sense of relief at knowing that Cyrus is dead, but also still feels anger and has unanswered questions, but in the end feels that justice was served. *Smile*

Observations/suggestions: *RollEyes*

stayed at his bedside the night (stayed at his bedside that night)
Tuesday the latest. (Tuesday at the latest.)
I don’t want any circus (I don't want a (it to be a) circus)
it was here where she would mark (This felt more like you are saying that she will mark their height instead of it being where she did mark their height.)
She wiped the tears that fell still (She wiped the tears that still fell)

You may want to consider going back through this story and taking a closer look at your comma placement. I noticed quite a few that I had questions about. I also noticed that you used a lot of adverbs throughout the piece. I have found a great article that deals with adjective and adverb uses that I have found helpful. I'm passing it along to you in case you could find it helpful too.


http://www.writersdigest.com/writing-articles/by-w...


Thoughts/feelings: This was a touching piece from both sides of the event. I enjoyed the way that you separated it as two different events that also came together to form one complete picture of the tragedy. I did feel that there was still quite a bit of the story left to tell. I was left with quite a few unanswered questions about exactly what Cyrus had done that killed the girl and how this led to his execution. Without some of this background, I was left wondering if he was even guilty of the crime since Paul made the comment that he maintained his innocence until the end. I felt that the tense and point of view suited the piece and lent to the emotional impact and my feeling about the characters and the events. You did a good job with the dialog as a whole. I found it believable throughout both parts, but I did question some of conversation between Sabrina and Paul, but I didn't have much to go by to determine how long it had been since their daughter was killed except for one mention of a decade at the end. Had they had enough time to get past the worst of their grief? You did a good job with the details. I could imagine each character and their actions. You did a good job of painting the picture of each person and their individual grief. Even though you did a good job with writing these parts, I felt that there was still more to the story. With the back story filled in, I believe that it can be even better. You have a nice writing style that made it easy to read. *Reading*

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing. *ThumbsUp*

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. *Delight*



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#1814944 by River

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63
63
Review of Umbrella Elevator  
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello Michael Romeo ,*Reading*

This review is being submitted by a student of Dynamic Reviewing. Thank you for allowing me to read and comment on your writing.

The story: A hit-man is sent to kill a doctor When he arrives to visit his mistress. He slips on a wet spot on the floor and wakes up in a hospital a few days later. He is being cared for by the doctor he was sent to kill. He tries to kill him again, but fails once more. The doctor gets a chance to tell him where he is and how they both got there. They both seem to be in between heaven and hell. *Smile*


Thoughts/feelings: I thought this was an interesting story, and I didn't see any grammar or punctuation mistakes that stood out. I did feel that it didn't flow as well as it could have because you used such short sentences and very few details. I had trouble following it because it seemed to leap from one event to another without giving me any idea about what had happened to cause the problems that the man was now facing. I was left with many unanswered questions all throughout the story, and the ending just led to more confusion about what had happened in the bathroom that killed them both. Why was he going to kill the doctor? I believe that if you work on fixing some of these things, it could be a better story. I like the idea behind it. I'd like to read it again if you decide to edit it. *Reading*

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing. *ThumbsUp*

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. *Delight*



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In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Hallgerd ,

*UmbrellaR*This review is given on behalf of "Showering Acts of Joy Group*UmbrellaR*


The story: Lord Sisil kidnapped Perbeck on the eve of his wedding to Lady Milsenti. He carried him off to an island where he left him to either die or wait for someone to come and kill him. A fisherman happened by after Lord Sisil left, and Perbeck tried to convince him to take him to the other shore. When he continued to refuse, Perbeck waded out into the water pleading with him. The fisherman warned him to get out of the water or the angels would get him, but with a new determination, he started to swim across the water to find his love. The creatures began to attack him, and just when her thought he was going to die, Lord Sisil returned. Near death, he was pulled from the water. *Smile*

Observations/suggestions: *RollEyes*

was a single spot of civilisation (was the single spot of civilization)
ruffled the tiny hairs on his back. (ruffled the tiny hairs.)
bare rock of the island at the ring of water and (bare rock or the island, at the ring of water, and)
in mind and I will not be crossed (in mind, and I will not be crossed)
despairing the he hurled stones (despairing, he hurled stones)
Stop coming after like the idiot you are (I think you are missing a word in here.)


Thoughts/feelings: You did a good job writing this story. The conversations seemed real, and the characters were easy to distinguish between. I could imagine each character and the world around them. I was trying to figure out what the angels in the water were, and all I could come up with was something that resembled a jellyfish, but you may need to add a little more information about them. Is there a legend of some kind about them? That might give the reader a little bit of knowledge as to why everyone seemed so afraid to go into the water. You did a good job with the ending. After everything he had gone through, he finally realized that he did love Lady Milsenti. *Reading*

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing. *ThumbsUp*

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. *Delight*

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.

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#1768032 by Tiggy


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65
65
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Freelanceink ,

This is a review from "Showering Acts of Joy Group *Reading*


The story: This appears to be a scene in which Peter has challenged Darby to a duel over a young lady's honor. *Smile*

Observations/suggestions: *RollEyes*

Your verb tense isn't consistent throughout the scene which causes some confusion. Since most of it seems to be written in past tense, I would recommend changing the present tense verbs to match.

Examples:
Darby stepped forward, the early morning mist wafting about him. (Darby stepped forward, the early morning mist wafted about him.)
The gray tendrils suddenly slide sideways (The gray tendrils suddenly slid sideways)

I found myself confused as to who was speaking during their conversation, and exactly what they were saying. I think it would help if the thoughts were in italics so the reader would be able to distinguish between what is spoken and what is just internal dialogue.

So bright, so young, so beautiful—so…honest. (I didn't really see how this fit into the scene.)

That’s your father’s pride talking. (Is this a thought? Whose father is this?)

flickered green-silver, green-silver. (this is a repeat that could be changed to: flickered from green-silver, to silver-green. One of these could also be taken out.)

His slate eyes looked startled. (Why? Did something surprise him? Did Darby shoot him? Did he shoot Darby?)


Thoughts/feelings: This is a nice little scene, and I like the overall feel of it. I do feel that it is lacking some important information to help close the gaps in the readers mind. I was left wondering if they both were in love with the same girl, or if she was Peter's sister. You used some good descriptions that I enjoyed reading. I believe that with a few tweaks here and there, this can be an even better story. *Reading*

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing. *ThumbsUp*

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. *Delight*

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.

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#1768032 by Tiggy


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66
66
Review of Ruby's Interview  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Soloscript ,

I'm reviewing your story because it is an entry in the "Show, Don't Tell Contest OLD


The story: *Smile*
You did use all 25 of the required elements in the scenario.

I felt that you only used a couple of the senses to their full potential. I believe that some work needs to be done to increase the sense of taste, and smell.

Passengers oozed through the doors, filling each compartment.
Nice imagery in this sentence.


Observations/suggestions: *RollEyes*

she could take remove her jacket, (she could remove her jacket)

There was quite a few adjectives scattered throughout the piece that I felt could be replaced with more descriptive words to enhance the scene.

This is a link that I've found very helpful when dealing with these problem adjectives. I hope it helps you as much as it has helped me.


http://www.writersdigest.com/writing-articles/by-w...

Thoughts/feelings: I felt that you did a good job with the conversations and internal dialogue. The scenario was creative and entertaining. I enjoyed reading it, and good luck in the contest. *Reading*

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing. *ThumbsUp*

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. *Delight*



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#1768032 by Tiggy


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67
67
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello BScholl ,

I'm reviewing this because your entry in the "Show, Don't Tell Contest OLD

The scene: I feel that you used at least twenty-three elements. I'm questioning the twenty-fifth because it seems like the man is in the room with her and I'm understanding the scenario to mean that she is in the room by herself. I also questioning the twenty-second one since it's not clear if this was one of the same men from before since there was nothing to indicate that she recognized him as being one.

I could see that you did seem to use some form of all five senses in your scene. *Smile*


Observations/suggestions: *RollEyes*

I felt that in places you could use a little more showing, and less telling.

You only have one place that I noticed where you use taste, and I thought it could use a little more description of how the cert tasted.

The pleasant peppermint swirled on her tongue. (The cool mint coated her mouth and tongue.)



Thoughts/feelings: This a very creative scene that I enjoyed reading. I liked that you added her breaking the heel off off her shoe, causing her to fall. It was a unique idea to have aliens interviewing people just so they could harvest them to eat. Thank you for sharing your work with us, and good luck in the contest.

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing. *ThumbsUp*

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. *Delight*



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#1768032 by Tiggy


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68
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Review of Chloe's Cabinet  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello 🌓 HuntersMoon ,

This is a review from "Showering Acts of Joy Group *Reading*


What I liked: This is a tale of a young woman who has returned to her childhood home. The story centers around the bedroom that she hasn't been entered in seven years. It remained just as she had left it, and brought back the memories of her life there. Her main memory seemed to be of an old cabinet which she and her father had found at an estate auction. They had gone looking for one because she needed more room for her things as she got older. After the cabinet was put into her room, she started having nightmares, and strange noises woke her up at night. Even now as an adult, it still had the same effect on her. Before she went to sleep, she places a prototype of a personal protection system that they had been developing at a leading robotics company, on her nightstand. she woke up later to the sound of an electrical discharge and the smell of smoke. *Smile*

Grammar/Punctuation: N/A *Quill*

Observations/suggestions: *RollEyes*

appreciate all that her parents had done (appreciate all her parents done.)
Chloe Howard had left this room (Chloe Howard left this room)
The house has been built (The house had been (was) built)
early 1940's and closets (early 1940's when closets)
expansion had made her beg (expansion made her beg)
day they had gone looking for (day they went looking for)
themselves at looked like (themselves standing in front of, looked like)
he said looking at the creepy (he said staring at the creepy)
she had felt that only a teenage (she had felt, the kind that only a teenage)
to glow in dim light. (to glow in the dim light)
attraction was but they ended (attraction was, but they ended)
creaking slowly open woke (creaking open woke)
They had searched the cabinet (they searched the cabinet)
he father had suggested but (her father had suggested, but)
"Well hon, I'm ("Well, hon, I'm)
I'm off to bed and (I'm off to bed, and)
nightly ritual that they had shared. (nightly ritual they had shared.)
Pushing back, (pulling back,)
Chloe worked (She worked)
that she had been working (that she'd been working)
She set it up on the nightstand (she set it on the nightstand)
overactive imagination but she (overactive imagination, but she)
looked to the cabinet. (looked at the cabinet.)


Thoughts/feelings: You did a good job of telling this childhood fear and carrying it into Chloe's future. Knowing that they had bought it at a spooky old house gave it an extra bit of an eerie feeling. It had my mind guessing as to what might be living in it. I thought that it was great that you ended it with both her and her dad finally getting to see what she had only feared. The only thing I couldn't understand was after all of those years of nightmares and fears, why did she seem so calm once she saw the monster? I would have been terrified knowing that something like that had been lurking around for all of those years. Overall, good job. *Reading*

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing. *ThumbsUp*

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. *Delight*



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69
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Review of Nuclear Dupe  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello vbrandon ,

This is a review from "Showering Acts of Joy Group *Reading*


What I liked: This is a story that isn't quite what it seems. In the beginning you are led to believe that this is just an encounter between two guys, Ron and Jack, and a girl, Sirilak. She is working on a computer in the break room of their work place. It seems apparent that these two guys are enjoying the view, and trying to make conversation with her to pass the time until her father comes to pick her up. At the end of the story we learn that everything that has happened wasn't real. *Smile*

Grammar/Punctuation: I noted these with the rest of my observations and suggestions. *Quill*

Observations/suggestions: *RollEyes*

Sirilak had high silver boots and a fat silver pen she loved to tap. (Sirilak wore (thigh-high, knee-high) silver boots and held a fat silver pen that she loved to tap.)
If either men had bothered to look, (If either man bothered to look,)
her white skirt had silver sparkles and her white underwear was embroidered with silver rabbits. (they'd have noticed that silver sparkles were scattered along her white skirt, and the same color rabbits decorated her panties.)
They bothered, and were bothered more (This doesn't make sense to me. You lead me to believe that they didn't bother to look, now they have been looking the whole time?)
Ron actually pushed out his (Ron pushed out his)
it was freezing and he was (the freezing temperature, and he started to become)
It also had the only wired (It also housed the only)
Jack meant 'interview' him. (Even thought Jack said interview, Ron knew from his tone that he meant something else.)
The girl looked around at the mention of her name. She had been studiously designing something. (She'd been studying the design in front of her, but turned around at the mention of her name.)
"Silver rabbits," Ron thought. "Tricks are for kids." (You should surround the thoughts with apostrophes or use italics to show that this is his thoughts, and it wasn't said.)
visitors' pass just until (visitors' pass until)
A rose hint spread (A rosy blush spread, A rose hue spread, A hint of rose spread)
who had broken a vase (who broke a vase)
Ron, determined not to abuse his superhuman vision, stared through the panel of glass on the break room door. Through the slit over Sirilak's exposed shoulder, Chung's Beetle passed the bay windows across the hall. (Ron stared through the panel of glass in the break room door through the slit over Sirilak's shoulder. As he watched, Chung's Beetle passed the bay windows across the hall.)
ready to leave." Ron said (ready to leave," Ron said.)
with that one." Ron (with that one," Ron)
"Crazy trouble." Jack ("Crazy trouble," Jack)
I must get her home, now. (I must get her home now.)
made a right the way Chung (made a right, the way Chung)
along the tile, to the base (along the tile to the base)
table, up the leg and to a silver square taped underneath, (table and up the leg to a silver square taped underneath.)
numbers and a familiar name stamped across its surface. (He saw numbers and a familiar name stamped across its surface.)
Knocks, pings, growing to a roar (Knocks and pings growing to a roar.)
Light switched red; lit the hallway in a mix of sun and exit signs; (The light in the hallway turned red in a mix of sun and exit signs)
his shoulders tensed; "Trouble," his back said. (his shoulders tensed, and his back stiffened in warning.)
became honeycombed, blinding light (became honeycombed with light)


Thoughts/feelings: I enjoyed the subject of the story and the characters. I always like an unpredictable ending, which you gave me. I did find it a bit hard to understand what was actually going on for the first couple of reads though. The flow felt a little off, and I hope that some of my suggestions may help to smooth it out a little for you. I was confused at the end for the most part because it felt like it just dropped without warning. I really didn't understand how the fifth and sixth sentence in the last paragraph fit in. Maybe if you ended it there and moved the last sentence down to another paragraph and added him waking up to see a teacher standing over him or something, it may make it a little clearer that it was a dream. I thought that there were several possible ways that you could make this into a longer story if you ever feel the need to. Overall, good story, and thanks for allowing me to review it. *Reading*

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing. *ThumbsUp*

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. *Delight*



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70
70
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello super sleuth,

This is a review from "Showering Acts of Joy Group *Reading*


What I liked: The telling of this introduction from this girl's point of view is refreshing. It doesn't make it sound the same as other stories about vampires. The background into the family was just enough to make me want to know what had happened. I liked the resourcefulness of the vampires to find a way to blend in with the people around them. *Smile*

Grammar/Punctuation: You have some misplaced commas. *Quill*

Observations/suggestions: *RollEyes*

confined in the coffin. (confined. In the coffin is just repeating what you have already told.)
padding on the walls of my coffin all of my (padding on the walls, all of)
daylight paused a threat (posed a threat)



Thoughts/feelings: This introduction had a different feel than any that I have read. You provide the reader with a glimpse into this clan of vampires by describing hardships that they face on a daily basis. It almost makes me want to feel sorry for them. You seem to have gone ahead and solved some of the key elements and questions that might arise throughout the rest of the story. I did feel that there was just a little too much detail in a few small places. It didn't take from the flow much, but it was a little bit of a distraction. You have done a good job with this part of your story. *Reading*

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing. *ThumbsUp*

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. *Delight*

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71
71
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello J.A.,

This is a review from "Showering Acts of Joy Group *Reading*


What I liked: I liked the way Katie referred to those common little lights as her "friendly lights". It made the story feel more real. I especially liked the ending. It gave me the impression that she was being warned of what was about to happen before it did. It seemed to bring out the rest of the story. *Smile*

Grammar/Punctuation: Nothing that I noticed. *Quill*

Observations/suggestions: *RollEyes*

they all had disappeared. (they had all)
began to notice the chill (feel the chill)
All she saw a dark (saw was a dark)
voice about a whisper (voice above a whisper)
arm an inch off the table (arm only an inch)
which was at the level of just below (which was just below)
unhealthy appearing face (unhealthy looking face, the unhealthy face)
she had start in (had started)


Thoughts/feelings: You did a good job with the details and actions. The flow was good, and it felt very realistic. It was an enjoyable story that captured my attention and led me through her struggle and discomfort during her whole experience. The ending was a surprise, but it gave a whole other life to the story. Good job. *Reading*

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing. *ThumbsUp*

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. *Delight*

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#1768032 by Tiggy

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72
72
Review of Chat Part One  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello rebelkitten,

This is a review from "Showering Acts of Joy Group *Reading*

Posted in the "Newbie Help & Support Writer's Hideaway

What I liked: you did a good job of leading the story with her waking up with a hangover. You left some mysteries as to why she was there, what he wanted with her, how she got there, and will she get away. This has plenty of room for additions to the story. *Smile*

Grammar/Punctuation: Nothing major that I found. *Quill*

Observations/suggestions: *RollEyes*

drink last night?" She (she-shouldn't be capitalized)
would rid herself (rid itself)
"Who are you?" She screamed. (she screamed-she shouldn't be capitalized)
but it was not use. (no use)
but her limps felt heavy (her limbs)
There was a desk beside the bed she was on with a laptop on it. (Beside the bed was a desk with a laptop on it.)
surged with in her (within her)
what he or she's intentions (his or her intentions)
"Who are you and why am I here?" She asked.( she asked: she shouldn't be capitalized, and it needs to be moved up beside her question.)
First, i have (I have)


Thoughts/feelings: You did a good job writing this Part. I did feel like it could use a little more detail in some places and a little less telling of some things. One example that I would like to point out is where she figures out that she is tied to the bed, you don't need to add that she was tied to the headboard and foot board. When someone is tied to a bed, our minds automatically add that into the vision that is forming in our minds. I enjoyed reading this part, and I look forward to reading more of it. Good job. *Reading*

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing. *ThumbsUp*

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. *Delight*

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Newbie Help & Support Writer's Hideaway  (E)
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#1768032 by Tiggy

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73
73
Review of Human  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello Kiya,

This is a review from "Showering Acts of Joy Group *Reading*


What I liked: The story itself was very good. The fact that he was as close to human as any robot could get was a nice touch. It gave him a big advantage over everyone and other robots even though Veronica didn't seem to notice. I was happy to see that her attitude toward Scott changed from mistrust and anger to caring or perhaps love. The descriptions of what she saw through his memory chip were a great addition. I liked how through that part of the story, she learned that he was much more than what she thought he was, and how much he loved her. *Smile*

Grammar/Punctuation: No errors that I noticed *Quill*

Observations/suggestions: None *RollEyes*

Thoughts/feelings: I enjoyed reading this story because it seemed to bring out the good and bad in people. You did a good job of writing it, and I couldn't find any way to improve it. The flow and conversations were good. I felt sad for her when she found out that he was just a robot, and I could understand her anger and pain at feeling that she had been tricked and lied to. Good job. *Reading*

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing. *ThumbsUp*

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. *Delight*

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Newbie Help & Support Writer's Hideaway  (E)
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#1768032 by Tiggy

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74
74
Review of Trick or Tweet  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello Tom,

This is a review from "Showering Acts of Joy Group *Reading*


What I liked: The story idea was very unique and realistic. I liked the different ways that you used technology to control our lives and the dangers that could actually happen in our society. The things that you came up with were amazing and frightening. I'm sure that as technology gets better, all of it could become possible. It has a good message that we should be careful about our dependency on it. *Smile*

Grammar/Punctuation: None that I noticed. *Quill*

Observations/suggestions: None *RollEyes*

Thoughts/feelings: It was a very entertaining and thought provoking story. You did a good job of telling it from John's point of view. I was swept into his and Carolyn's lives. It's a believable story that is well written. I try to stay away from long pieces, but I'm glad that I decided to read this one. Good job. *Reading*

This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing. *ThumbsUp*

Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing. *Delight*

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Newbie Help & Support Writer's Hideaway  (E)
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#1768032 by Tiggy

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75
75
Review of Precious Moments  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hey Quilin,

This is a review from a member of"Showering Acts of Joy Group. *Delight*


I enjoyed reading this story. I liked the way you wrote it. The style was different than I'm used to, but it seemed to fit the piece. It is so simple yet feels a little complex at the same time. I thought that you did a good job fitting it into the word limit and still giving it enough to keep my interest. I don't see how that it could be improved by adding anything else to it. Good job.

If you would indulge me, these are just some observations I have made. Feel free to use or dismiss as you see fit. *RollEyes*

stream not too far off. (not far off, (or) somewhere close by)

Thank you for sharing this with us. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer. Keep up the good work and best of luck with all of your writing. *Reading*


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#1768032 by Tiggy

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