|Hello bobscott ,
I'm Missy and I found this chapter of yours on the Review Request page and wanted to give it a review.
This review is being submitted by a student of Dynamic Reviewing. Thank you for allowing me to read and comment on your writing.
The chapter: In this first chapter, we meet Robert. He's an average family man with a loving wife, two daughters, and one on the way. After spending years working as a stock boy in a grocery store, he took an electrical course. He applied for electrician jobs and one called him for an interview. At the interview he was hired and then had to face quitting his other job. He dreaded making the change since he was comfortable where he was, yet he was excited to start his new job and life.
The first thing I noticed before I even began to read it, was the formatting. It's all over the place which makes it a little hard to read. I would suggest that you go through it and make it uniform. The biggest problem that I have seen so far is how far each paragraph is indented. In the first few, the paragraphs start near the end of the line, or middle. I wouldn't indent the conversations, but you should put a space between each speaker, and also one between each paragraph. As far as I can see, most of these problems are in the first two parts.
In the first part the story seems to back and forth between information. I would consider starting out telling about Robert's life, in order of what happened, and then moving on to the phone call.
I would switch the places of the paragraph about the caller ID and the one below it to show the reader that you have moved on to what is happening after he finished school. It's important that you keep events running in some type of order. Here is where the reader meets Robert for the first time, and learns a little about him. It's hard to focus on what is going on with him when there is something else thrown in between the introduction. I would add something about the phone ringing and him picking it up, then what the man on the other end said before Robert looked at the caller ID.
When he was looking at the caller ID box and didn't recognize the number, that could have been because of any number of reasons. It could have been a tele-marketer, an old friend, a wrong number. So, was there a name that showed up, or was it a private or unavailable number that would make him question who it was? If there was a company name, then he should know the name of the businesses where he applied for a job, so he would have then been pretty sure that the call was about a job. There's still more to think about if the call has been made from a cell phone, because that could be anyone he knows, so how could he be sure?
Bye-bye now. (I honestly can't imagine any kind of electricion ending a conversation like this, and since the guy has a rough voice, I can't picture him as a softie.)
Yep! Jess type in “Prodigy Electric” (Did you mean just instead of Jess? I would imagine that they would be the only electric company by that name in the state since most companies like that use the owners name in the title, or try not to name it after another company, so I don't see the need for him to add that it's the only one. Try to keep the conversations realistic. Don't add extra information that you think the reader should know.)
into the study/game room (Consider calling the room by one name.)
grins. The two men were working on a breaker box. (grins, working on a breaker box.)
and thrown in box in the ground (sewn together, thrown into a box, and buried in the ground.)
the restroom for minute (the restroom for a minute.
Try to avoid using the same words in the same paragraph, or close together. find another word to use instead.
grandparents rent houses (Rent houses doesn't sound right. Maybe you can find an easier way to describe them.)
Jess so long as you check out (Just as long as you check out)
hugged and kissed Lisas stomach (hugged and kissed Lisa's stomach)
In section 5 you don't have to write in every single tool. Just put it under tools for the job. This is too much information, and you are telling the reader what you want them to know instead of showing them just enough to see the list for themselves.
on the street. I think they (on the street, I think they)
nervous,” He answered “terrified (nervous," he answered. "Terrified)
laughed liked a might mad scientist (laughed like a mad scientist)
He held the drill beside his head. He gripped it with both hands and the bit pointing toward the ceiling. (he held the drill beside his head like a gun, the bit pointing toward the ceiling.)
going in but, decided to (going in, but decided to)
in a towel and shaking her head (in a towel shaking her head)
about he was secretly (about it, he was secretly)
It was so much the place or the people he would miss. It was (It wasn't so much the place or people he would miss, it was)
he got there slid open (he got there they slid open)
was very dark yet, everything (was very dark, yet)
filled with feeling of dread (filled with a feeling of dread)
Thoughts/feelings: As a first draft I think that you have made a good start on your book. It doesn't seem that any editing has been done, so you may want to think about taking care of that before you get many more reviews. It's always best to make sure that you have edited your stories as much as you can before you post them. Most serious reviewers won't read very far if it doesn't seem to have had any editing done to it. I have to admit that I struggled through this chapter. The way you have the first part set up made it choppy and hard to read. I couldn't get comfortable while reading it since none of it seemed to flow smoothly. In your descriptions, You used too much detail. All the reader needs is enough to help them paint a picture in their mind. Most of the conversations were mostly believable. I can't see how much further you could really go with this story since you seem to have written so much of it here. I would suggest picking this chapter apart and maybe turning it into a couple of chapters, or more if you wanted to. I can see how part 1 and 2 can go together, and part 3 isn't even needed in this chapter. He could meet Mike at the start of a new chapter and go through learning about the job, then a chapter going back to his home life, etc. I think you did a good job setting the tone and mood for the chapter and the tense and point of view stayed consistent depending on what was going on at that point in the chapter. I like the characters personalities, but I didn't find them to be very real at times, especially where Mike was concerned. The majority of the conversations that felt real were the ones that Robert had with Lisa. I would suggest that you pick this chapter apart a section at a time when you edit it. I think it will make a good story once you get some work done on it. I can tell that you have some talent, but it does take quite a bit of work and patience to refine it. You may want to think about copying it into a writing program on your computer so you will have easy access to it when you have some time to go through it. Don't give up. Keep writing and you will improve more everyday. I'm constantly learning how to improve my writing, and my style is constantly changing and developing into something better. If you do decide to edit this piece, I'll gladly come back and review it again.
This is my personal review of this piece of your work. These remarks are for you to either use or discard as you see fit. If you do not agree with any of my comments, feel free to delete this review. Since you have your own writing style, Please practice safe editing.
Thank you for allow me to read and review your writing. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer like yourself. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing.