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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/moit
Review Requests: OFF
29 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Lament  
Review by MOiT
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Finnley!

Things I liked: I love the layout of the poem. The last line was great. I myself tend to write poetry with a last line that just SCREAMS. Lovely.

Things to improve: I thought I heard him pray. That he had understood. This line doesn't make much sense. Is be praying because he understood? What did he understand.

Over all it was very nice. Keep writing.

Cheers,
MOiT
2
2
Review of Lavender  
Review by MOiT
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello G Money!

Things I liked:
I loved the emotion in the story. I could tell how much your aunt meant to you and I am very sorry for your loss.

Things to improve:
Honestly, nothing needs improving in this story that I can find. Keep writing.

Cheers,
MOiT
3
3
Review of The Green Cat  
Review by MOiT
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello timceaser!

Things I liked:
This story was just too cute. I myself have a tom cat and I could just see the mannerisms of the green cat outside the window. I also couldn't imagine being without my cat. =)

Things to improve:
Just one grammar issue.
The cat meowed outside the window, it was starting to rain, and I heard the distant reverberation of thunder on the plains.
The cat meowed outside the window. It was starting to rain and I heard the distant reverberation of thunder on the plains.

Cheers,
MOiT
4
4
Review of Clipped Wings  
Review by MOiT
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hello tseawolf87!

Things I liked:
The suspense was exciting. I love a good thriller.

Things to improve:
Suddenly a bird hopped itself on the curb next to Keith and jerked it's head about in every which direction like birds tend to do, flapping it's wings a few times in a welcoming gesture.

Suddenly is unnecessary here. Just start the sentence with "A bird.."

apple red 1983 Jeep Cherokee Laredo
Every detail of his car is unnecessary. His old red jeep would be sufficient. The same thing goes for the girl's mustang. It only needs to be called a mustang.

"You stupid bitch," Keith snapped, delivering a hard blow to the girl's head, knocking her out and leaving her lifeless underneath him.
This line confused me a lot. I thought she was dead. You might want to add near lifeless to that line and perhaps give Keith a crowbar or something? I don't think he could knock a girl out with one punch to the head.

A bird perched itself on the trash can where the maggots and larvae were starting to migrate towards.
This sentence is confusing as well.
A bird perched itself on a nearby trash can that had become a migration spot for maggots and larvae.

In the line right after that, you wrote it's when the word should be its.

It's = it is.
It's = ownership.

Cheers,
MOiT
5
5
Review of Her  
Review by MOiT
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello The Milkman!

What I liked:
I can imagine the woman you are talking about. She also seems very beautiful.

What you could improve:
Some of the punctuation didn't make sense to me. Especially the ellipse at the end. Was there a reason for that?

Overall, I liked the poem very much.

Cheers,
MOiT
6
6
Review by MOiT
Rated: E | (4.0)
The title of this poem was what initially coerced me to read this poem. I am a firm believer in that quote. I also loved the rhyming couplets. They made the poem flow very well -- a nice read. This poem is also very true, especially for "traditional" marriages.
7
7
Review of Where Were You  
Review by MOiT
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
The last line kicked me in the you-know-what. That was a brilliant way to end the poem. The feeling through the body felt like the speaker was giving up and allowing (her?)self to be walked upon. But as it turns out, that is not the case. I hope your friend gets through her divorce with as little bloodshed as possible.
8
8
Review of Shadows  
Review by MOiT
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This poem is really interesting. I liked it a lot. I've never thought of a shadow in that light (so to speak). But the poem itself flowed very nicely. I understood what you were saying very easily and I found it an amusing read. The rhyme scheme also fit very well. Nicely done.
9
9
Review by MOiT
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
The imagery in this poem was incredible. It brings the image in my mind, of the starving children in other countries that aren't thought of enough, in vivid detail. The message is also loud and clear. If we, who have the power, don't step up and do something about the problem of poverty, it's not going to solve itsef.
10
10
Review by MOiT
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I'm not very big on rhyme, but you might want to rhyme the 2nd and 4th lines of the first stanza, just to go with the rest of the poem. Other than that, the poem reads very well. The lines
"So shallow words they speak
When they want a lay" really made me laugh.
11
11
Review by MOiT
Rated: E | (4.0)
You have quite nearly got me in tears. That was a lovely piece. Oh my. I think we all, at one point in time or another, have experienced how Ollie feels. There is always an Anna Montgomery we envy. But at the same time, we all have a Frances who means something. This story was very true to life. I enjoyed it very much.
12
12
Review of ~My Love For You~  
Review by MOiT
Rated: E | (4.0)
Wow. That was really powerful. I'm not a mother, but I have one, and I can only imagine how easy it is can be to love someone you haven't even met. Thanks for sharing.
13
13
Review by MOiT
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
The first sentence of this story made me laugh. But the rest didn't seem to flow very well. It seemed too much like a record of events. He did this. He did that. A bit more description might be helpful. I did like the random stabbing though. (I have a strange fetish with knives, don't ask. lol) But perhaps you could go a little bit deeper into Rita and why she wanted a divorce.
14
14
Review by MOiT
Rated: E | (5.0)
As a writer myself, I have to say GOOD FOR YOU. I myself, am not a big fan of forwards, but I have also pondered who originally wrote the beautiful pieces I recieve as forwards. And I could only imagine the devistation I would feel if I recieved a forward of my own work credited to "anonymous". Is it so hard to at least add the original writer's name who put the blood sweat and tears into that piece? Honestly. I'm glad you posted this. This sort of thing needs to be said.
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