*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Get it for
Apple iOS.
Creative fun in
the palm of your hand.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/msbiggs
Review Requests: OFF
39 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
I give in depth reviews that cover a lot of areas. I will correct some spelling errors and tenses, but I like to focus on how your story is working, such as plot and characters. I am honest, but I like to be positive and encouraging. I also like to re-review items that I have already done if you have made changes.
I'm good at...
Short stories and novels/novellas primarily, but if you have an article or essay that you'd like proofed, I will do that as well.
Favorite Genres
Romance, Thriller/Suspense, Horror/Scary.
Least Favorite Genres
Fanfiction -- I want something creative and original.
Favorite Item Types
Short stories are my favorite to review.
Least Favorite Item Types
I won't do any of the interactive works on the site. Such as interactives, word searches, campfires, etc.
I will not review...
Anything that is pornographic or extremely violent. I also won't review anything that is hateful, spiteful, etc against another person, group of people, races, religions, politics, etc for any reason.
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Ink Stained  
Review by Bernie
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
This pulls at my heart strings and makes me want to hug the poet and tell them to not hang such importance on someone who doesn't matter so. There is something terribly heart breaking about a relationship ending. Thank you for sharing this as I think many of us can relate to this.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
2
2
Review of The Wilted Mask  
Review by Bernie
Rated: E | (3.0)
For my template


*Vignette6* What I like:

*Burstb* I love the emotion you've conveyed in this piece. You use strong language to help convey imagery and emotion. I think my favorite part is the very last part:
the last hurdle that I must
overcome, is to only let
go of my brothers neck
and instead take hold of
his hand and to lift him
up beside me into the
brilliant morning light.


I just love the imagery that it conveys to the reader.


*Vignette6* What I suggest:

*Burstg*
One answer to your questions,
the answers to my questions.

This part seems a little awkward to me. The first part I like, the second I'm not quite sure?

*Burstg* Now, while I really loved the last half of the last part of the poem, ...is to only let go of my brothers [sic] neck and instead take hold of his hand and to lift him up beside me into the brilliant morning light. That just seems to be more direct and to the point than the rest of the poem. The rest of the poem seems to be experiencing loss or some kind of traumatic event, with the mention of train line.


*Vignette6* My overall thoughts:

*Bursto* I think you have an awesome start to this poem, I think it just needs some tweaking to make it flow and work better. It's right on the cusp of being something really good. Again, you have wonderful wordsmanship and that alone makes me want to see you work more on this and future (other) writings. I think if I have anything to really suggest, would be to make the end feel as if it belongs, because it seems a little out of place with the rest of the poem.

If you could let me know if you update it, I'd love to reread it and check it out again.



- Bernie

*Exclaimr* I didn't realize that this expired already! I've been busy this week and thought I still had a couple of days. I still wanted to do the review and you don't have to worry about the GPs since it was obviously my fault!




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
3
3
Review of End the Cycle  
Review by Bernie
Rated: E | (4.5)
For three hundred words, I think it's great all the emotion of frustration and helplessness one can get. I love that you were able to get me, the reader, to feel sadness for a character that we find out did it to herself. I think because we see that she learned from her mistakes and that she wants better for her life and that she wants to strive for it!

I could totally see you taking this and creating a story from it. Maybe where she does end up and what she ends up doing and if she accomplishes any of the goals she sets for herself. In my heart I hope that she does and becomes a happy with her life.

Thank you for sharing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
4
4
Review by Bernie
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi Penny!

Got this through a random review (hence why I'm reviewing Chapter 3 instead of Chapter 1 first), but I'm going to go back and read the others too. I think this is very interesting and you definitely have me curious as to the overall plot of your story.

I also want to commend you on choosing the First Person POV over using Third Person. It's definitely a lot more difficult to use, but I think with the type of story you're going for, I think this works.

I have a couple of suggestions for you:

*Vignette6* I grabbed the knob from the ceiling and pulled down, a latter fell down and I looked at Ahren nervously.

It should be "ladder" instead of latter. Latter is a version of late as in time or placement. For example, latter is also used with former. Where former is early in time or placement.

*Vignette6* He probably wouldn't even come up here and the curiosity is really killing the cat right now.

Just change to "was" instead of is to keep with the tense you've been using throughout.

*Vignette6* I give him a reassuring smile and he sighs in relief.

Just change give to gave and sigh to sighed to keep with the tense you've been using throughout.

*Vignette6* "Man, you really had me thinking you were dying of some attack or something. Don't mess with my head like that." He groaned. I looked down nervously.
"I won't. I'm sorry."
"What was that all about? What was in the diary?"

June 18th 1990. That was all that came to my mind. Rather, that was all that occupied my mind. I shake my head and laugh it off.

"Really, it's nothing. Don't mind it. We should go back to studying."

Ahren furrowed his eyebrows. He probably sensed something was wrong. I'm just grateful he didn't bring it up. He just stood up and nodded.

"Yeah, you're probably right. Miss Sinclair will kill us if we don't finish this shit in time."

I stood up and nodded. Ahren started walking towards the latter. I took this opportunity to quickly grab the diary and shove it into my jeans pocket.


Just a suggestion in this part to kind of help keep it easier to read, but after each grouping of conversation, separate it from the next line or paragraph. Just to make it easier to read and follow. Kind of like how I broke it up.

I'm really interested in your story so far. I think you've done well in giving the reader the feel of suspense and intrigue. Something happened and you've managed to arouse curiosity as well. I'm looking forward to reading the rest of the chapters!

Thank you!

Bernie


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
5
5
Review of The Holy War  
Review by Bernie
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Derek!,

I think you are off to a very good start with your story. I just have a few suggestions to make your story really come together and make it even better.

*Vignette6* The sky above was full of tumultuous, dark, ragged clouds.

Just remove the last comma and put an "and", so it would look more like: "The sky above was full of tumultuous, dark and ragged clouds." I think this fully completes your sentence and makes it sound better.

*Vignette6* From a distance, one could see a human figure like trying to find shelter. Even though it was quite a distance one could easily tell it was a man.

First, I think the "human figure like" should've been "human-like figure"? I'd suggest cutting out the "like" and having "human figure". I included the second sentence because although it works, it doesn't seem to work right. I suggest merging the two sentences together.

*Vignette6* It was a story house covered with green leaves and branches which had intertwined,...

Just noticed that the number of stories was missing!

*Vignette6* The door was slightly opened, inside the house it was looking like a lion's den.

I think opened should be "open" and I would remove the comma and add "and".

*Vignette6* The man was dressed in a black priestly rob; he looked scared for his own life.

Should be robe instead of rob.

*Vignette6* He stood on the entrance contemplating on whether to continue walking in the rain or take a shelter in the creepy old house. As a man of God, he recited the Holy Communion and got in.

It should be "He stood at the entrance..." and in the next sentence, should be "walked in" instead of "got in".

I hope you don't get discouraged, because just reading this has made me very interested in your story and I hope to see that you continue it! I think you definitely have a great start here. If you have any questions or would like any future help, please just let me know! I wish you the best of luck on your journey! *Smile*


Bernie


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
6
6
Review of Summer Snow  
Review by Bernie
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is a very cute story! Your description peaked my interest and I'm very glad to have read it.

I enjoyed the main character and her romance with her angel. They have a very sweet and lovely relationship and I'm very curious to see how they met. Will you be writing a "prequel" to this? I would love to read how they met and how he helped her.

I also enjoyed your writing style. You are descriptive, without being overly so, giving the reader a very nice image and the story just seems to flow very nice and smooth.

Thank you for posting this. *Smile*
7
7
Review of Unrequited Love  
Review by Bernie
Rated: E | (4.0)
I connected well with this poem. There's been a time or two when I had a guy friend who I crushed on and I had felt the same way, and of course nothing happened, mostly because I never said anything due to the fact I didn't want to lose the friendship.

I do have some suggestions to help strengthen your piece. *Smile*


*Bullet*I think the second stanza should be moved to the end. I think it would yield to a kind of surprise ending to the reader.

*Bullet* Then I think that stanza should be worded maybe something like:
         As much as I love you, the pain that it causes me,/knowing that you do not love me.

*Bullet* The first stanza, you can remove the "And yet..."

*Bullet* I think the third stanza, first line, should be reworded to something like: I've never met anyone quite like you.

*Bullet* The fourth stanza, first line, should be reworded to something like: You have healed all my wounds.

*Bullet* The same stanza, but the fourth and last line should be reworded to something like: It means so much to me/with the way in which you care

*Bullet* Maybe with the last stanza, merging it in someway with the the second stanza that I suggested making it into the last stanza.


I think these suggestions could make your poem have a much more powerful punch. You can reword the suggestions anyway you'd like, as they are only suggestions. *Smile* I think you've really got something here as the topic is something that many females, both girls or women, go through in their lives. Once you reword it a little bit, it will definitely stick out.

If you do reword it, I'll re-read it and I'll even give you another review. *Smile*


- Bernie

** Image ID #1389441 Unavailable **
8
8
Review of My Basement  
Review by Bernie
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello!! *Smile*

I think your story is very well written! I just have a few suggestions as to help clean it up and make it run smoother. I will also raise your rating to better suit the fixes, just let me know! *Smile*

My Suggestions:

*Note2*It is an uncomplicated task that some people complete with effortlessness.

I think you should remove "effortlessness" and replace it with "little effort".


*Note2*But some people have not witnessed the eerie crypt that my family insists as referring to as my basement.

I think you should change it to either "...the eerie crypt that my family insists is my basement." or "...the eerie crypt that my family insists on referring to as my basement.


*Note2*spine- chilling

Just fix the space between the dash and chilling.


*Note2*But that does not disturb you half as much as the old- fashioned baby doll sitting on a miniature chair with its two glistening eyes staring at you.

I think you should start the sentence off with something like: "That wouldn't disturb you half as much..." Also, fix the space between the dash and fashioned.


*Note2*Now that your heart is beating loud enough you feel as if it is coming out your ears, you scamper to the freezer and hastily grab the bread and sprint up the stairs faster than you ever thought was humanly possible.

I only suggest this change because at the beginning of the previous paragraph you mention that the heart of the character has returned to a normal pace. I think that you should change the first part to: "Now that your heart is back to beating loud enough..." Just to show that moving through the junk has started to scare the character once again.


“Would you go and check d see if the freezer is shut?”

I think you should remove the "and" from and move it to go between "check" and "see".


I also think that you should choose which format you would like to discern between paragraphs. It's not easy on the eyes to have both kinds, so you must choose between non-indented paragraphs with a space between paragraphs, or indented paragraphs with no space between the paragraphs.

Otherwise, I think this was a very well written short story! I think it showcases very well how people can be frightened of their own basement. The fact that there are happy child themes on the walls of the basement is even more creepier than if it had been just cement gray.

I hope this story did well at school! *Smile*


- Bernie

** Image ID #1284499 Unavailable **
9
9
Review of White Lies  
Review by Bernie
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello!

I really enjoyed your story! I loved the characters and well you built them and the plot so quickly and so well! The only things I found were some strangely formatted returns, so I'm just going to point them out for you!

She could feel her cheeks getting hot and she knew she must have been blushing furiously.

There is a return between getting and hot.

Cars zoomed by and she wondered what she would say if someone she knew saw her.

There is a return between knew and saw her.

And they had the same warped sense of humor.

There is a return between same and warped.

She had to admit to herself that his manners were refreshing and she wondered to how far he extended them.

There is a return between wondered and to.

The problem was that even though her husband and she barely spoke, they did occasionally dine together.

There is a return between did and occasionally.

On the outside she hoped to sound sexy.

There is a return between she and hoped.

He reached into his back pocket, pulled out his wallet, and handed her a business card.

There's a return between business and card.

This card would lead her to his door tomorrow night, and who knew what other doors would then open.

There is a return between who and knew.

He watched Alyssa drive out of the lot and then rested his head momentarily on the steering wheel.

There is a return between then and rested.

She didn’t need to be at work until 9:00am and she was considering not going in at all.

There is a return between to and be.

When she got down to the kitchen and saw the ¾ empty bottle of whiskey, coke stains in the white sink, and dirty dishes piled up on the counter above the empty dishwasher, she decided going to work would be a great way to spend her day.

There is a return between she and decided.

He grabbed hold of both her wrists and held them over her head, and then he pressed his lips hard against hers, his tongue forcing open her lips in search of hers.

There is a return between over and her

She heard herself moaning and felt herself molding to his body, applying counter pressure against his pelvis. As her nails dug into his back, she nibbled his left earlobe.

I think there is supposed to be a return between the end of the first sentence and the beginning of the second, because there was a huge space in between.

She reached for his belt buckle and struggled to release it.

There is a return between to and release.

He led her to his bedroom.

There is a return between to and his.

He undressed her just as quickly, but then entered her slowly.

There is a return between just and as.

“You’re not the only one who told a lie yesterday. I’m not an accountant. I’m a P.I.”

There is a return between a and lie.

“I’m going to throw up.”

I think there is an extra space before this, as it's nice quite lined up with the rest of the paragraphs.

And as she turned back to her car she realized she had just told another white lie.

There is a return between she and had.

I think I caught them all, but they will no longer distract from your story. *Smile* Welcome to the site and I will look forward to seeing more of your work!

- Bernie

** Image ID #1284499 Unavailable **
10
10
Review of The trap  
Review by Bernie
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This was a really neat story. I liked how you started it off (probably my favorite part). I love little details like that, so stuff like that always sticks out. This was really good and I like how it covered so much in such little time (With me, it would've taken ages.).

I just have a few things and they aren't major. Just a few spelling errors.

*Note1* All of the "it's" which talk about the beast. For example: "It stood on the bank of the frozen lake, thin tendrils of mist billowing forth from it's nostrils, deep blue eyes scanning the lake that spread before it."

It should read:

"It stood on the bank of the frozen lake, thin tendtrils of mist billowing forth from its nostrils, deep blue eyes scanning the lake that spread before it."

It's refers to it is. Its shows possession of whatever "it" is.

*Note1* "Just a little farther she thought."

This should be:

"Just a little bit farther, she thought."

*Note1* "The beasts ear piercing cry rung within her ears, her fear almost making her lose sight of the task at hand, but to do that would mean all was done in vain, but none of that mattered now she was there, all she had to do now was survive."

This should be "The beast's ear piercing cry rang within her ears. Her fear almost making her lose sight of the task at hand, but to do that would mean all was done in vain. None of that mattered now, she was there and all she had to do now was survive."

*Note1* "Then they collided, the sheer weight of the beast threw the helpless girl off her feet but the sharp claws dug into her shoulder, panced lanced through her body and she let out a cry as the thick crimson liquid spewed from her shoulder."

Should be:

"Then they collided; the sheer weight of the beast threw the helpless girl off her feet, the sharp claws dug into her shoulder and pain lanced through her body. She let out a cry as the thick crimson liquid spewed from her shoulder."

*Note1*"A deep thunderous crack resounded through the air, and the monster reeled back in pain, blood shot forth from it's side as it frantically searched for the hidden attacker."

Should be:

"A deep thunderous crack resounded through the air, and the monster reeled back in pain. Blood shot forth from its side as it frantically searched for the hidden attacker."

*Note1* "Two more shots followed the first and the monsters neck exploded, tiny bits of flesh plastered the girls face and flowed spray out."

Should be:

"Two more shots followed the first and the monster's neck exploded. Tiny bits of flesh plastered the girl's face and (blood?) flowed out."

*Note1*"The girl stared in horror as the last of the beasts blood beat out onto the snowy ice, staining everything it touched with a dark crimson, she stared at the thing as the last twitches subsided and the beast lay still, then, and only then did she feel safe enough to give into her own injuries and the weakness that was quickly claiming her body and mind."

Should be:

"The girl stared in horror as the last of the beast's blood beat out onto the snowy ice, staining everything it touched with a dark crimson. She stared at the thing as the last twitches subsided and the beast lay still. Then, and only then, did she feel safe enough to give into her own injuries and the weakness that was quickly claiming her body and mind."

This was a really good story and I was really glad I read it. If/When you fix these minor things, I will be happy to change it to a 5 Star rating. *Smile*
11
11
Review of Untitled  
Review by Bernie
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
ooooo I like it! I'm not sure for a title yet...maybe I'll suggest one once you've written more of the story, which I'm really liking at the moment. I hope you continue to write some more!!
12
12
Review of If I  
Review by Bernie
Rated: E | (4.5)
Beautiful poem. Your love must be someone special :)

- Bernie
13
13
Review of My statics...  
Review by Bernie
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Unratable.)
very neat and organized :) I like the little dealie at the top lol
14
14
Review of Lust & Gluttony  
Review by Bernie
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
this is a good story :) Almost made me think of myself in the fact that I'd be on a date and it would mess up bad like this...though nothing of the sort has happened to me...as of yet. lol but I enjoyed the story and keep up the good writing :)
14 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/msbiggs