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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/munky6
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47 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review of Norman  
Review by Madeleine
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is hilarious and genius! I love your play on the idiom "elephant in the room" to create humour and I also love your rhythm of the poem to really help it flow.
Keep Writing :)
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2
Review by Madeleine
Rated: E | (4.5)
this is adorable! I love it!
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3
Review by Madeleine
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I really love the imagery of this story! It's creepy, colourful and engaging. However, I did find that I struggled to follow the final paragraph. Perhaps it was your aim to create confusion as to the setting - is this dream or reality? - and time - is this a flashback? or is this present? - however I found that I very quickly lost interest in the story during that final paragraph because of the ambiguity. Perhaps if you split it into smaller paragraphs and used more explicit language to explain what is going on?
Keep Writing :)
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Review by Madeleine
Rated: E | (4.5)
I like this poem a lot. The rhyming scheme perfectly reflects the child's thoughts and feelings by making it sound like a nursery rhyme. I also really love the story and idea as a whole; it is somehow exciting, funny and endearing all at the same time.
However:
"worstest" isn't actually a word and (whilst this could be to reflect the child's language) it felt very clumsy and disrupted the flow of my reading.
Also, who is "Phil"? Is he your brother, your friend, someone else? Perhaps add something like "Brother Phil" or "Uncle Phil" etc. in order to stop this confusion.
Keep Writing :)
5
5
Review by Madeleine
Rated: E | (3.5)
I really loved the story of the meteor shower; it is something arguably average and unexciting which you have made to sound thrilling!
Perhaps you could include even more imagery? Your imagery and description is excellent, so including more of it might bring this piece up to the next level.
However, I strongly dislike the final paragraph; it feels at odds with the themes and ideas of the rest of the story and feels more like a speech or lecture rather than a story of a wonderful experience. If you want to keep the themes and ideas in that paragraph, perhaps add in these themes earlier on so that they don't seem so stand alone when compared to the rest of the story.
Overall, a great story! I especially liked how you made it so personal with the characters of yourself and your wife and how familial and positive the environment was due to this.
Keep Writing :)
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6
Review by Madeleine
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I really love the emotions and the imagery in this piece! You have brought to life the emotions of the character excellently!
However, I do feel that you need to go back over and look at your grammar. I feel like you have not gone back and edited this, and this is just a first or second draft, as there are several grammatical mistakes. Watch how you use your commas and make sure to use participles along with a main clause rather than just as a stand alone sentence as it doesn't make sense.
Keep Writing :)
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Review of The Rosebush  
Review by Madeleine
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This is such a genius take on making a scary story! I love how you have turned something so mundane into something dangerous. I even felt a shiver go down my spine when you talked about the soil beneath the bush!
Suggestion: Perhaps you could, after "foundations so you are safe" go to a new paragraph, reapeat "You are safe" and then follow that with "Or are You" to really build the tension?
Overall a great piece!
Keep Writing :)
8
8
Review of The Spring Fling  
Review by Madeleine
Rated: E | (4.0)
I really enjoyed reading this hopeful and cheery poem. I especially love "You see it in every face" because it suddenly moved my brain from 'ah spring' to 'ah people' and made me feel part of something; it effectively broadened the gaze of the poem without being awkward or even having to start a new stanza!
However, I do have a few suggestions:
- "There is many different sights" "is" should be "are" because it's plural
- Your eclipses is mistyped (",,." not ...)
- I think "it makes your head swoon" might work better as a separate sentence to the previous line, with either a full stop or, if you don't want to end-stop the line, perhaps a semi-colon?
- perhaps the final few phrases at the end of the poem could be imperative rather than direct address? It might make your final phrases more impactful

Overall a really wonderful poem. I loved the imagery you gave me and the broad spectrum of things you looked at from passing time to people to weather.
Keep Writing :)
9
9
Review by Madeleine
Rated: E | (4.5)
Very clever!
I love that you haven't used punctuation or capitalisation, as it makes the whole poem flow in a way that is hard to achieve, especially with such a small word limit!
I also really like how you made zest italic, it changed my tone of voice from just calm and loving and into passion and intoxication, very cleverly already set up by the choice of word.
Assuming that there is no rule about form of the poem: might it be an idea to separate "my lover" as a separate stanza? I personally read it and then paused for a beat before going on (no clue why) and found that the lack of space made me read it a bit awkwardly. Try it out, it could just be me being weird.
Keep Writing :)
10
10
Review of Lion Of Judah  
Review by Madeleine
Rated: E | (4.0)
I really loved all the description in this piece; you really painted a picture in my mind of all the places you went and the sensations you felt! I especially love your second paragraph and how the tone shifts from love and into something dangerous with just that simple "Suddenly it was cold".
However, I do have a few suggestions
- "I wasn't sure what awoke me, and now, I'm not altogether..." You don't need the commas, they just confuse the sentence. If you want to, perhaps use a semi-colon between "me" and "and"?
- I found the random capitalisation of "HIS" and "ONE" a bit odd and it disrupted my reading flow heavily; I appreciate you want to make the words stand out but could you find another way of doing so or make it a motif throughout the piece?
- The final phrase doesn't need to be in quotations, or even capitalised. In this case I think that less is more and it was be more impactful as certain and personal than shouted and bold
- "I must have fallen asleep. Though I do not know..." comma or semi-colon not full stop; the second sentence is dependent on the first
That aside, this was an incredibly emotive piece; even for someone like myself, a non-believer, the beauty of this story struck me and inspired me to live each day the way I love and to be the best I can be. Truly wonderful!
Keep Writing :)
11
11
Review of The Furnace  
Review by Madeleine
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Wow! Great piece! I love the ending as well, because it perfectly frames the wife as truly evil, to attack her own children. I love the tension throughout the piece and how the reason for the speaker's worry isn't at first made clear.
The only flaw: I think that you either need an 'and' between "I turned, bolted for the steps" in your final line, or move "I screamed" forward so that you make it a longer sentence (did that make sense to you? I don't think I phrased that very well, sorry.)
Keep Writing :)
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Review of Free Will  
Review by Madeleine
Rated: E | (4.5)
I really loved this poem! I thought yours summaries of what time means really resonated with me, and I could comply empathise with the emotions in the poem.
Although I myself don't believe there is a God, your poem still created a beautiful piece of imagery and made me feel hopeful for my future by simplifying it down to something so aesthetic and containable.
Keep Writing :)
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Review of For Debbie  
Review by Madeleine
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is incredibly romantic and beautiful! As someone who values friendship over romance, I would not naturally see from your point of you, but how you write about your wife completely resonates with me as how I feel for my closest friends and family - the fact that this still impacted me despite that difference shows how amazing you wrote it!
Incredibly wonderful!
Keep Writing :)
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Review of Made for Me  
Review by Madeleine
Rated: E | (4.5)
I really love this poem; at first it appears long, which for me was immediately off-putting as I find poetry quite a challenge to read - however the flow of the poem, the rhythm and the kind of rhyme scheme really helped to keep the pace of the poem so I whizzed through it rather easily.
It's an incredibly poignant piece as well; everyone can associate with love, whether that be for yourself, for someone else, romantically or platonically etc. and yet the way you have written this is individual and personal, not cliche at all.
I think you made a spelling mistake in "far rom here" as in "far from here" which was the only mistake or flaw I could really find in the poem so well done!
Keep Writing :)
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Review of LUCK N LIES  
Review by Madeleine
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
This poem gives off an eerie and creepy feeling (in a good way). I love the ending with "luck and lies" because the two shouldn't really mingle and yet they do. I also love that you are using direct address throughout the poem, as it makes the threat of whatever the fantasy creature is to be a lot more close to home and unavoidable than if it were in third.
I only have one suggestion: "My courage drips from 'tween your teeth" for me felt awkward. Perhaps you could change it to "my courage drips between your teeth" - same amount of syllables but a little easier to say. That said, the awkwardness of the line did successfully add to my uneasiness, so if you were going for creepy and not-quite-right then you certainly achieved that through this line!
Keep Writing :)
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Review of Wake  
Review by Madeleine
Rated: E | (4.5)
To be honest, I'm not really sure what this poem is about but even without that clarity this poem successfully gives me feelings of unease and a lack of belonging, as if the speaker is stuck somewhere in an in-between places.
I really love the opening "it wasn't about the rain making the tarmac slick" because it created such an incredibly image in my mind and yet, because of the negative, my mind was also rejecting the image; it immediately made me at odds (in a good way) and hooked to the poem.
Side note: I really love your username
Keep Writing :)
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Review by Madeleine
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is really amazing. Incredibly moving and emotional, the feelings and imagery are communicated incredibly clearly. It's also a very relatable poem; the way you have written it communicates love (which hopefully everyone can feel) and also loss and pain (which very many people have experienced).
I only have one suggestion:
Perhaps add a "No," before "let her go barefoot" or break from the stanza and give "let her go barefoot" it's own stanza. I don't know why, but I feel that I needed a pause or a breath before reading the line, and adding either of those things will hopefully provide that.
Apart from that, this is an absolutely fantastic piece of writing and you should be incredibly proud.
Keep Writing :)
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Review of The Creature  
Review by Madeleine
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a really sweet story, and really full of hope and makes me feel calm.
Thank you for sharing!
Keep Writing :)
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19
Review by Madeleine
Rated: E | (4.5)
I really love this poem, it's absolutely incredible.
I like that you have kept the lines short, giving the poem the disjointed feeling of thoughts flowing (you know how one thought flows into the next and the next and often thoughts end up unfinished)
I also love the repetition of "Focus" and how you have made it bold; I read it just as I would tell myself to Focus, so well done for achieving my inner voice!
I also love the imagery of being upside down on your bed. It's something very mundane and very relatable and you have ingeniously made it seem much more important and personal than it is. Every little moment in this poem is important, hence the stress on focusing on these moments, on each word on the page, on each moment in life.
Keep Writing :)
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Review of Interpretation  
Review by Madeleine
Rated: E | (4.5)
I really love this piece! It's really clever and doesn't give anything away! I love your use of dialogue as it is very natural, not forced or trying to ram in plot points or context to explain things (did that make sense??)
However, I personally found the last few lines to be a bit of an anticlimax. Perhaps you could build up to an explanation something like "And then it all began to click into place..." and you could always do a sequel or something or just lengthen it. I especially think the final line seems random and unrelated to the previous feelings and emotions; if you want to keep that as a final line, perhaps introduce some internal monologue to show her thought process to get to the conclusion that she wants to become a psychiatrist.
Sorry that rambled on.
Anyway... I really did love the piece, especially the first half for its comedy but also its creepiness (a great balance between the two, something which I often struggle to find)
Keep Writing :)
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Review of In The Rain  
Review by Madeleine
Rated: E | (4.5)
I really love this! It's romantic and funny without being cliche plus I really love the rain imagery especially near the beginning.
I do have a few pointers:
- in your opening paragraph, I think the sentence "Every time I turn my head..." should perhaps start as a new paragraph, as it doesn't flow very well following the previous sentence as it is
- the sentence "When I turned back to the woman, she still stood gaping at me, wide-eyed, in a state of shock, I guessed" seems very overcomplicated. You could make it much cleaner either by splitting them into lots of ickle sentences or cutting the "I guessed" at the end and adding in a "she WAS still stood"
Overall the piece is really amazing :) I especially love, having gone back and reread it since the beginning of this comment, the imagery of her blue eyes and how that begins and ends the piece. It really leaves me with strong imagery of the woman and of the man's mindset as well.
Keep Writing :)
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Review by Madeleine
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is an incredibly moving poem. The anaphora is, if a little in your face, emphatic and emotional. I love that you end-stopped the entirety of the second half of the poem, creating this disjointed feeling to an otherwise rhythmic poem. I interpreted this as physically alone, those abandoned or in poverty or in other terrible scenarios however I could also interpret this as emotional alone. I found it interesting that you used the pronoun "He"; specifying the gender of the child helped bring forward a stronger image of a child - a boy - alone in the dark, however also disrupted by train of thought as before that I had been visualising a girl. it in no way ruined the poem, but perhaps is is something to think about?
Keep Writing :)
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Review of The Bird  
Review by Madeleine
Rated: E | (4.5)
I really love this poem; it's incredibly calming and hopeful, helped by the genius rhyme scheme and regular stanzas. It's a beautiful story in itself, well thought up!
Keep Writing :)
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Review of Winter Feelings  
Review by Madeleine
Rated: E | (4.0)
I really love the poem and this is often how I feel about winter (although, then again, I do really love it). I love the half-rhyming scheme which gives it a lovely rhythm and enables me to easily read the poem without making it boring. I also really love the adjectives you use, especially "dark, dank weather"; "Dank" is a word a very rarely see used, so I especially loved that you didn't just stick to the stereotypical adjectives.
However, I do have a few suggestions:
In the final stanza (unfortunately, my least favourite section of the poem) I feel that you could have phrased things a bit better. "O winter will you last so long" might sound better as "Oh, winter why do you last so long?" or "Oh, winter, you who lasts so long,". Also, the final line "And spring would put on me it's kiss" might work better as "And spring would gift me it's sweet kiss" or something of those lines. Those lines feel clunky when compared to the elegance of the rest of the poem (perhaps you were so amazing for the rest that the mediocracy of the final lines stands out terribly)

Overall, a really wonderful poem with tones of humour and of sadness - a bittersweet mix which I really love! I could really put myself in the emotions of the speaker and really sympathised with them.
Keep Writing :)
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Review by Madeleine
Rated: E | (4.0)
I really like this poem, especially the rhyming scheme which mostly feels completely natural to the story. I also love the "silliness" of the second stanza, and I personally interpreted it quite creepily, like a nursery rhyme gone wrong kind of thing. I also really loved that each stanza wasn't quite the same, although there was still a familiarly to each of them due to the rhyming scheme, because it kept me as a reader on my toes, keeping me intrigued and thoughtful rather than just chanting out words.
Keep Writing :)
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