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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/munky6
Review Requests: ON
132 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
Honest but not cruel. My aim isn't to completely destroy your will to live and write... but equally if something isn't right I'll tell you. My reviews are often very rambly, but in great detail.
I'm good at...
Grammar... if you need a proof reader I'm the person for you!! A range of writing styles... poetry, short stories, scripts... I love reading all of these! Highlighting the positives as well as the negatives! It's important to know what you do well and what works in a piece (often it's hard to see it yourself).
Favorite Genres
Confessional writing, exploring personal experiences and emotions. But anything really, I'm not fussy...
Least Favorite Genres
Erotica and romance (purely because I don't read any in order to give a knowledgeable opinion on it for reviews)
Favorite Item Types
Poems, short stories. character summaries or plans etc. - the bare bones of an idea. I also really love reading scripts! As a scriptwriter myself I'm always keen to see other people's styles.
Least Favorite Item Types
Longer stories because I don't have enough patience for them unless they're really gritty.
I will not review...
Erotica Anything racist/homophobic/ prejudiced... you get the idea. This includes any satire mocking these topics.
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review by
Rated: E | (3.5)
I really loved this poem! It's so warming and joyful! I also love the rhyme of the poem, which you have created very seamlessly and naturally.

I do have one suggestion (though it is quite a complex/large one):

I personally felt that the difference in syllables created a very discordant rhythm (which prevented those wonderful rhymes shining through). The penultimate stanza felt especially discordant, even on the second and third readings of the poem, becomes there are just so many syllables! Perhaps cut "beloved" from the first line, and for the second you could change "wildest of quakes" into "a wild quake". By cutting down the syllables it makes this stanza less unnatural with the rest of the poem, and it flows easier by itself as well!

On my first reading, I also personally felt that the third stanza was slightly unnatural to read, because of the shortness of syllables naturally in "pursuit". However, on the second reading I managed it just fine so perhaps play around with the line but if you don't want to change it I don't believe it is detrimental to the piece.

Having said that, I really loved this poem. I especially loved your final line, with the use of "what wonder!" (a less coloquial English phrase, but amazing nonetheless!) really emphatic and emotional. Although, take note that I believe you don't need the comma after "day," as it is part of the main clause, rather than a separate clause. I also really loved the repetition of "ours and ours alone" which was very melodic and intimate!

Overall an excellent poem!

Keep Writing :)
2
2
Review of Taytum Willows  
Review by
Rated: E | (3.5)
I really love this character plan, it's a great start to begin a story!

I do have a few suggestions:

- the tragedy of the whole of her family dying in a house fire - whilst it does add backstory (and could potentially be her fault for the accident, adding another dimension to the story) - I personally feel not everyone should have died. Perhaps one of the members of her family survived, but with life alternating injuries? This would add an aspect of her life 'before' the fire and create tension between her and real-life characters

- perhaps in your plan create some potential scenarios? For example, 'what would be your desert-island soundtrack' silly ones all the way to 'if there was an apocalypse what would be your game-plan'. Having varied questions that are unrelated to the narrative really helps build genuine characterisation. I'll have a look online for resources for you and send them through after this, if you'd like!

However, having said that, this character does sound really interesting and has lots of potential to lead an epic story! I especially love the characteristic of being resourceful and inventive, as that will keep the reader on their toes!

Keep Writing :)
3
3
Review of Just a Stick  
Review by
Rated: E | (4.0)
I really like this poem! I love the form and how you have centred the poem on the page to give it such an elegant look! I also love your use of punctuation, which is really varied (especially for a poem!)

I do have one suggestion: you use the word "just" slightly too often for me. Perhaps that was intentional, to highlight the smallness and averageness of the "stick" but for me it became a little too repetitive and therefore a bit boring. Perhaps instead try "only" or "merely", or simply cut out the word completely. Not saying you can't use the word in the poem (I especially do love when you use it in that first line) but just... not so often.

Overall, though, this is a really outstanding poem! Its joyful and hopeful, and also slightly humorous. A great success!

Keep Writing :)
4
4
Review of Saving the Moment  
Review by
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a great poem! I love the rhythm of the poem, and the overall story is breathtaking!

Your final line is especially amazing, with the question really surmising the pain and frustrations of the entire poem.

I have one suggestion, that on your first stanza, you give "just so" its own line. I felt that would really emphasise those words and make them more meaningful.

A really incredible poem!
Keep Writing :)
5
5
Review by
Rated: E | (5.0)
I really loved this poem. Short, sweet, and melodically joyful! In fact, I can't really find any flaw in it at all!

Keep Writing :)
6
6
Review by
Rated: E | (4.0)
This poem was really beautiful. I love the use of rhyme, which is really fluent, and I also love overarching theme of seaside and sealife.

My suggestions:

- I do slightly dislike your structure. Not hate, and it didn't detract from the flow of the poem, however I felt that it made the poem's appearance on the page slightly odd. On the one hand, your stanza structure is fairly strict and traditional, on the other hand you have used ~ simples and your final stanza is irregular (in that, if your first and last were both three, then that would create a chiastic structure, however the fact that two stanzas at the end are three lines makes it feel imbalanced).
I'm not sure I've explained that very well, feel free to ask me more questions about that

- the line "just like when I saw you then" felt a lot of nothing. There are a lot of substance words you are using to make up the metre, but that don't actually add much to the story. Perhaps change "then" to "my friend"; it would still create a nice flow to the line but would communicate a deeper meaning rather than simply locality and time.

HOWEVER, I really love your use of language at its peak. Lines such as "satin ribbon...spool" create lovely alliteration and use somewhat obscure words that we might not see in our everyday. I also really love your use of punctuation, only using it for emphasis rather than grammar.

Overall, a pretty amazing poem! I love the narrative, well achieved for a poem, and overall any of the negatives are mostly easily adapted.

Keep Writing :)
7
7
Review of Lost at Sea  
Review by
Rated: E | (5.0)
this was amazing!

Firstly the rhyme and rhythm are so natural!

But more importantly, the story itself was engaging and the characters really well formed for such a short piece. I was somewhat relieved that you didn't miraculously save the couple, as it made the poem more believable.

Overall an amazing piece I can't fault!
8
8
Review by
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hey there! Thanks for the request...

First of all I really love your subject matter. It's not something I've really read about before outside of non-fiction, and especially not in a poem so this in itself really made your poem stand out to me.

I also really love your use of language - your vocabulary is simultaneously casual but scientific, creating this really interesting persona in the poem!

I do have a few suggestions:

- Firstly, I find that at times your structure and form can become quite... stodgy? "For this being my 2nd low power tremor in magnitude" was a very randomly long sentence, for example. The rhythm of the poem was completely lost, with too many syllables which disrupted the flow. As a reader, it took me a very long time to compute this line compared to the previous lines which flowed so wonderfully. I feel like part of the problem here is that you have used participles instead of just using a main verb. Try instead "For this was only my second power tremor" Although I understand you need the rhyme, so play around with the sentence a bit. There are other places where this is a problem again, so go back and read through and check you're not becoming too bulky with your lines

- you have a big lack of punctuation. I don't know whether it was purposeful or not, but even if it was I'm afraid it doesn't quite work for me. In many places, you have missed out commas between clauses and lines which made it really hard to follow the poem
In shorter or more simplistic poems, leaving out punctuation can be very effective! I'm afraid it doesn't work with this poem because of its length and complexity of sentences.

On a more positive note, I really loved your penultimate stanza! The rhyme felt much smoother and less forced than in previous moments, and the alliteration was very effective!!

I hope my review has been helpful for you. It really was a very engaging piece, and if you fine tune those minute mistakes it will really be a five star poem!

Keep Writing :)
9
9
Review by
Rated: E | (4.0)
This was such an interesting descriptive piece. I really loved the dissociative way you have described the environment, making something as familiar as our own homes feel other.

I especially loved your description of all the trinkets filling the house; your use of imagery and language really created this suffocating feeling for me.

I did notice a few things to improve:

- grammatically, I don't think "though near without fail someone slips out" in paragraph 5 makes much sense to me. Perhaps there is a spelling error somewhere?

- I found near the end of the piece I began to loose focus; I feel as though you begin to become quite repetitive near the end. Although you address new ideas, I found I struggled to be as engaged near the end as I was at the beginning. Perhaps shorted your paragraphs so you repeat yourself less, so you can still cover all the things you want to say? Or perhaps go back to the end of the piece and have another edit, make it more engaging??

However, I really loved this piece. I don't normally read much prose on this site, so it was a nice break for me!

Keep writing :)
10
10
Review by
Rated: E | (4.5)
The description in this piece is amazing! I wish there was more of it (although I understand that you wrote this as a 100 word piece).

However, I do have a few suggestions, although these might be difficult to achieve with your word limit:

- I feel like you need some longer sentences in there; you have plenty of short sentences and one or two medium ones, but since there are no longer sentences the paragraph feels very.. itty bitty?? If that makes sense?? The paragraph doesn't flow very well. Even if you just introduced a semi-colon between two of your sentences, this would make a massive difference to the flow of the para

- on a similar note, your use of punctuation is a bit stale. Lots of full stops and commas and the one semi-colon. Perhaps this isn't helped by the length of the piece, though

- finally, more in a presentation point: perhaps have double spaces between paragraphs, as the paragraphs feel very squished and small. Just by doing this the piece will feel much longer, making it more pleasurable to read and look at on the page

HOWEVER this piece is amazing and all of my previous points do stem from the shortness of the piece. Part of my problem with the length is that your writing is just so good! I want moreeeeeeee!

I especially loved "its lustrous surface". I'd never seen "lustrous" used in that context before and it was really engaging and interesting! You use a great range of intriguing vocabulary throughout which is often a failing in many works on here so well done!!

Keep writing :)
11
11
Review of Strange  
Review by
Rated: E | (4.0)
This was a really engaging story! I'd love to see you make it into a short story or even a longer one!

I especially loved your matter of fact tone, the way you introduce a talking spider into the scene so casually as if we should expect it! it almost created this sense of comedy to the scene which I love!

One suggestion: I think that "I think you'll find tis case worth your time" should be on the previous line, without a new paragraph. In the previous sentence, the spider is the subject. You haven't changed subject so you don't need a new paragraph.

Overall, this is a really engaging and unique piece!!

Keep Writing :)
12
12
Review of Laundry Detail  
Review by
Rated: E | (4.0)
I really loved this story. It was funny but also had some interesting messages about taking help for granted and family life.

The only thing I am confused about is names. Who are Brenda, Henry, Nicole and John? Are they other members of the family? The children and the husband are clear to me, with the dialogue and the descriptions of them (you naturally got this information into your piece without making it clunky, by the way) but before this paragraph about the chores being done they aren't mentioned?

Apart from that I really loved it!

Keep Writing :)
13
13
Review of November  
Review by
Rated: E | (4.5)
I really loved this poem! I love the rhyming, which, although simple, is really engaging and feels really natural within the poem. I also love your use of language, especially "wintered white". I thought that was a really interesting way of describing the colour of leaves!

I have one suggestion (although quite a big one):

I feel as though I need another stanza? The second stanza is amazing but to me it isn't bringing the poem to a close but rather building momentum. I have absolutely no idea what you would put into a third stanza, though, rather unhelpfully.

Really this poem is so amazing that I just want more of it!

Keep Writing :)
14
14
Review by
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
The idea itself is good however I don't think as a summary it is very engaging or exciting.

A few suggestions to improve:
- shorten this
- clarify the point of this book... is it a teen drama, a romance, is it sci-fi or mystery (he's coming back from the dead), or is it just a religious story; at the moment, from your summary I can't really tell
- somewhat linked to the previous point: prioritise your description. At the moment, the first introduction to your story is focused around school and your character looking forward to a bright future however... is that the point? whatever you want to be the most engaging point of this summary, put it first.
For me as a reader, I found the mystery of Liam's scenario far more interesting than the previous section, but I have to wade through the unclear and sporadic descriptions of school life and a preoccupation with religion before I reach that bit... this is the bit that makes your story interesting! Highlight it!!!

Overall, the idea isn't bad and I'm sure if I was handed this book I would love to read it... but with this summary? I quite frankly would just put the book back on the shelf without reading it.

I hope this has not completely crushed you! You have some really amazing moments here but you just need to clear away the clutter.
15
15
Review of Touching Angels  
Review by
Rated: E | (3.5)
hi there! I thought this poem was really interesting and it has some great imagery!

I did have a few suggestions:

- in terms of presentation, perhaps don't have the dotted line before your final two stanzas; you don't need a physical line to create pause because that's what a stanza break does; I feel like this sort of format is great for children's poetry or epic poetry, but for such a short poem it feels slightly ridiculous

- On a similar note, the poem as a whole feels very rushed. Perhaps you could introduce an extra stanza of imagery, or change your stanza length...

- As a suggestion, near the beginning of the poem I was very confused as to where I was... we begin talking about a blue sky, but then we are up a mountain... perhaps help this transition with a 'pan' over to the mountain, which would also help give the poem that much needed substance

Overall, though, I thought this was a wonderful poem! I love your opening stanza, with the imagery of the blue sky so vivid for me! A great way to open the poem! I also especially love the image of the sun painting halos on you.

Keep Writing :)
16
16
Review of So Glued!  
Review by
Rated: E | (5.0)
A great poem! I love the cheery rhyme and tone, and the subject matter is fabulous! You've made something boring and typical interesting and fun to read!

Keep Writing :)
17
17
Review by
Rated: E | (4.5)
I really love this idea!

I don't know what the frickety frack the show is that you are referring to but the idea is great even without that knowledge!!!

(one point: maybe check over your spelling and grammar for this post, it's a bit messy here and there)

Good luck writing this story!! :)
18
18
Review by
Rated: E | (4.0)
I really loved this poem it was really endearing and sweet.

I especially loved your form; the sporadic line length, putting it in one long stanza, really made it intriguing to look at and to read! it gave it this really unpredictable but melodious rhythm which I love.

I also really love your opening sentence. The rhetorical question really encapsulates the mood of the poem as a whole and the imagery of fair wings is stunning!

I do have one suggestion:
Throughout the poem, the subject is ambiguous. First, it begin as if from a narrators perspective, making general points. Then, the focus turns to the girl, and then to the boy. Instead, perhaps maintain focus on the girl...
"Were there Fairy Wings fluttering in her heart/ as she came to know him?"
"And shh... her lover won't say it out loud to any but her, but he feels the same"

through this, all the characters (even to an extent the narrator) is created through their relationship with her. This makes the poem seem much more personal as the reader feels more attached to the main subject, and it also makes it a more fluent read (it's not natural in most language to jump subject to subject without either a paragraph/stanza break or a connective).

Hope this suggestion helped! Of course, the ambiguity of the subject of the poem isn't entirely detrimental! You could go the other way and really emphasise it to make the poem really purposefully ambiguous if you wanted!

Keep Writing :)
19
19
Review of First time  
Review by
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
This is so wonderful.

Your use of incomplete and 'incorrect' sentences really beutifuly conveys the emotions of the narrator in a refreshing way. I especially like "Didn't resize" for the powerful imagery it conveys to me and the wonderful power imbalance is introduces to the narrative.

One suggestion: whilst the incompleteness of the sentences is for the most part is excellent, something about "was mess" in your fourth line (instead of having a qualifier (??) such as "a") was disruptive and uncomfortable for me to read. Perhaps that was your intention? However, I would suggest adding "this" or "a" or just changing it from a noun to an adjective "messy".

Overall, your poem is short, sweet, and clever.

Keep Writing :)
20
20
Review of Siblings  
Review by
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is hilarious! The conversation is fast paced, inventive, and genius!

Keep Writing :)
21
21
Review of Cheesy.  
Review by
Rated: E | (4.0)
Whilst I understand the idea of these contradictions being linked, I don't fully understand your intentions/ the meaning of the poem beyond this? Perhaps clarify in an extra stanza or just in your description.

However, I really love the structure of the poem and the way you have conveyed very usual images is individual and intriguing. Don't put yourself down so much!

Keep Writing :)
22
22
Review of Whisper's  
Review by
Rated: E | (2.5)
The meaning of this poem isn't very clear to me however it has some wonderful imagery and some lovely techniques!

One question/suggestion: your phrase "whisper's echo's" doesn't make much sense to me... do you mean 'echoes of a whisper"? 'whisper's echoes'? I'm afraid it is confusing and therefore detrimental to your piece as I spent far to much time frowning over your opening sentence instead of becoming entangled in the complexity of the rest of your poem. If anything, it is just grammatically incorrect.

Perhaps you just need to re-edit this poem? there are a few moments such as "thats" needing to be "that's" which suggest perhaps this is a first draft?

On a more positive note, I really love your alliteration in "sang a song" and the conciseness and emotions created through "made sure I did not know the chorus" is immensely powerful.

Keep Writing :)
23
23
Review of Christmas  
Review by
Rated: E | (4.0)
this is a really uplifting short story (although I clearly read this at the wrong time of year haha). You've excellently created endearing characters, who we immediately love and empathise with; I think everyone feels like or knows someone like this mother and daughter.

My only suggestion (which is, to be fair, rather a big one) is that I personally feel the story could have ended with "the real meaning of Christmas". The final two paragraphs feel redundant where you are overly describing what everyone already knows about Christmas. the individuality and endearing moment is quickly lost with a very traditional and stereotypical image of Christmas to finish. Of course, this is your work and to delete two paragraphs is quite a lot. Perhaps you could miss out the penultimate paragraph, using an ellipsis to join "real meaning of Christmas...Sitting around" and you could already add a clarifying statement about the time lapse?

sorry if that didn't make much sense, I'm trying to convey my feeling as clearly as possible and fear I've rambled a bit.

Overall, your piece is cheery, well written and engaging. You've used a range of sentence types and vocabulary (whilst not complex, it suits the characters and mood) immensely well.

Keep Writing :)
24
24
Review by
Rated: E | (4.5)
Simple and sweet, a nice uplifting poem.

Perhaps you could add another syllable in the final line? For me it felt unnaturally short. Perhaps adding "just" or "far"? Equally, the penultimate stanza's final line "so my mouth will not frown" feels clunky, however I'm not entirely sure how I would change that.

I love the simple language and how it conveys everything concisely, much like a child would see the world. You have excellently captured a child's perspective which can be more challenging than many realise. I especially love the anaphora of "I like the little butterfly".
25
25
Review of The Shot  
Review by
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is adorable! The whole dialogue flows excellently and is really funny

Keep Writing :)
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