*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/munky6/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/2
Review Requests: OFF
146 Public Reviews Given
146 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Honest but not cruel. My aim isn't to completely destroy your will to live and write... but equally if something isn't right I'll tell you. My reviews are often very rambly, but in great detail.
I'm good at...
Grammar... if you need a proof reader I'm the person for you!! A range of writing styles... poetry, short stories, scripts... I love reading all of these! Highlighting the positives as well as the negatives! It's important to know what you do well and what works in a piece (often it's hard to see it yourself).
Favorite Genres
Confessional writing, exploring personal experiences and emotions. But anything really, I'm not fussy...
Least Favorite Genres
Erotica and romance (purely because I don't read any in order to give a knowledgeable opinion on it for reviews)
Favorite Item Types
Poems, short stories. character summaries or plans etc. - the bare bones of an idea. I also really love reading scripts! As a scriptwriter myself I'm always keen to see other people's styles.
Least Favorite Item Types
Longer stories because I don't have enough patience for them unless they're really gritty.
I will not review...
Erotica Anything racist/homophobic/ prejudiced... you get the idea. This includes any satire mocking these topics.
Public Reviews
Previous ... 1 -2- 3 4 ... Next
26
26
Review of Cheesy.  
Review by
Rated: E | (4.0)
Whilst I understand the idea of these contradictions being linked, I don't fully understand your intentions/ the meaning of the poem beyond this? Perhaps clarify in an extra stanza or just in your description.

However, I really love the structure of the poem and the way you have conveyed very usual images is individual and intriguing. Don't put yourself down so much!

Keep Writing :)
27
27
Review of Whisper's  
Review by
Rated: E | (2.5)
The meaning of this poem isn't very clear to me however it has some wonderful imagery and some lovely techniques!

One question/suggestion: your phrase "whisper's echo's" doesn't make much sense to me... do you mean 'echoes of a whisper"? 'whisper's echoes'? I'm afraid it is confusing and therefore detrimental to your piece as I spent far to much time frowning over your opening sentence instead of becoming entangled in the complexity of the rest of your poem. If anything, it is just grammatically incorrect.

Perhaps you just need to re-edit this poem? there are a few moments such as "thats" needing to be "that's" which suggest perhaps this is a first draft?

On a more positive note, I really love your alliteration in "sang a song" and the conciseness and emotions created through "made sure I did not know the chorus" is immensely powerful.

Keep Writing :)
28
28
Review of Christmas  
Review by
Rated: E | (4.0)
this is a really uplifting short story (although I clearly read this at the wrong time of year haha). You've excellently created endearing characters, who we immediately love and empathise with; I think everyone feels like or knows someone like this mother and daughter.

My only suggestion (which is, to be fair, rather a big one) is that I personally feel the story could have ended with "the real meaning of Christmas". The final two paragraphs feel redundant where you are overly describing what everyone already knows about Christmas. the individuality and endearing moment is quickly lost with a very traditional and stereotypical image of Christmas to finish. Of course, this is your work and to delete two paragraphs is quite a lot. Perhaps you could miss out the penultimate paragraph, using an ellipsis to join "real meaning of Christmas...Sitting around" and you could already add a clarifying statement about the time lapse?

sorry if that didn't make much sense, I'm trying to convey my feeling as clearly as possible and fear I've rambled a bit.

Overall, your piece is cheery, well written and engaging. You've used a range of sentence types and vocabulary (whilst not complex, it suits the characters and mood) immensely well.

Keep Writing :)
29
29
Review by
Rated: E | (4.5)
Simple and sweet, a nice uplifting poem.

Perhaps you could add another syllable in the final line? For me it felt unnaturally short. Perhaps adding "just" or "far"? Equally, the penultimate stanza's final line "so my mouth will not frown" feels clunky, however I'm not entirely sure how I would change that.

I love the simple language and how it conveys everything concisely, much like a child would see the world. You have excellently captured a child's perspective which can be more challenging than many realise. I especially love the anaphora of "I like the little butterfly".
30
30
Review of Winter Fade  
Review by
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a great poem. I especially love the rhyme scheme and how it is unpredictable but equally rhythmic. I like that you have used internal and (external? is that a thing?) rhyme.

I also love the imagery you create. Your choice of language and the juxtaposing semantics of both nature and city scapes is wonderful.

I only have one suggestion (which may be irrelevant if you are using a particular metre): I do not like that you used "'cross" instead of "across". It broke the rhythm of the poem and felt out of place as you didn't do this for any other words in the poem. If you had done so for other words ("across" on the 7th line for instance) then I wouldn't have minded; I think it is the fact that it is stand alone that makes it feel unnatural in the poem. Of course, as I said, if you want a particular syllable count to the line I understand why you have done this - but even then... is there a way or rephrasing the sentence to avoid cutting syllables this way?

Overall, though, I really love this poem. I don't know whether this was intended but I felt it was really moonless, which makes it really individual. What I mean by that is I could read it happily or sadly (or really any emotion) and each time it makes sense and feels fresh. This is something incredibly special and exciting.

Keep Writing :)
31
31
Review of Duck  
Review by
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
I really like this story. It was very gripping and the twists and turns were really exciting! I love that the protagonist is so likeable and seemingly normal but as the piece goes on he is revealed to be more and more unusual and insane.

However, I found your writing style rather rushed. I don't honestly know why other than that you use a lot of complex sentences which cover a broad range of topics and tones within a single paragraph. But then again, I wouldn't recommend splitting it into more paragraphs as then the short story will feel bitty.

I don't really know how you can slow the pace, but I feel the pace does need to be slowed in order for the audience to fully appreciate the story and your descriptions.
Keep Writing :)
32
32
Review of Chrysalis  
Review by
Rated: E | (4.5)
I really love the hopefulness of this poem. Far too often both queer fiction (and my own really-life experiences) become weighed down by negativity and seriousness. the hopeful tone you take is so uplifting and fresh and reminded me that queerness can be beautiful just as much as it can be scary.

In terms of your formatting, perhaps you could give another line break between the first and second lines? The poem looks strange on the page because the first two lines are joined but the others aren't.
Alternatively, if you want to embrace the strange formatting, perhaps you could let each line become further and further spaced apart? So the first two lines are touching but the final two lines are several spaces apart?

Apart from the visual look of the poem, I really love it!

Keep Writing :)
33
33
Review of Plastic World  
Review by
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a really well thought out and executed poem. I especially love your use of "nip nip/ tuck tuck" and how you've twisted a common phrase into something shocking and new.

You're structure is both individual and engaging without becoming sporadic or distracting from the meaning of your words. the final line as a stand alone is especially moving as it introduces an unnatural pause to really emphasise your final point.

The only line I disliked (and this is completely out of personal choice) was "evolve/ android". For me, I associate 'evolve' with positivity which juxtaposes your intentions for this piece. More important for me, I associate 'android' with the phone and this immediately shattered the world you created and the careful imagery with a completely unrelated thought. whilst I'm sure not everyone would make that associated, perhaps you could rethink your choice or words? It might be something as simple as "evolve/ turn into androids" just to clarify the distinction and enhance your intended meaning.

Apart from those two small words, the poem really interested and moved me.

Keep Writing :)
34
34
Review of Alone  
Review by
Rated: E | (5.0)
Wow. This is absolutely incredible (also, hi again. Thought I'd check out some of your other works). I love the slow depletion of paragraph length, beginning with really complex structure and descriptions but trailing out into just the one word sentence; it is both visually stunning and moving.

I have only really one suggestion and it is incredibly pedantic; because of the formatting of Writing.com, I feel your piece would look much more visually appealing and natural if you don't indent your paragraphs. this is especially because of your single line paragraphs which, when indented, look incredibly strange.

Really, that point is more a case of navigating the website than any writing skill.

Keep Writing :)
35
35
Review of My Angelic Demon  
Review by
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is a really interesting story. I love the main character; I immediately aligned with her and rooted for her.

However I do have a few suggestions?
- try to vary your sentences more. Introduce a few dashes and commas and semi-colons. You seem to favour simple sentences quite a lot which makes for a dull read, no matter how good your descriptions and language is.
- the sentence "I blushed as the lights signalled for me to cross" doesn't sit right with me. It suggested that she was blushing because of the light, not the man. Perhaps try "I blushed - struck by the stranger's looks - as the lights signalled for me to cross." or some other variant.
- when Sebastien returns with the mother in his arms, could you focus on her emotional response? the brevity of that moment - he arrives and you move on immediately to his speech - detracted from the relief and building tension of the scene. Perhaps "mother in his arms. I couldn't help my cry of relief as I rushed to them... I felt this.... my hands were shaking... etc" Explore her emotional reaction to the mother, not just Sebastien. See how they differ or are similar.
- finally, perhaps this is because it is simply a stand alone and if you were to expand it into a series or novella it would be clearer but... I felt that the twist at the end was clumsy. You have mislead the audience to such a degree that the final shock "OMG he's a daemon" is more confusing or ridiculous. You need to at least hint a bit more so that the audience can be satisfied ('I knew it') or shocked ('man, I should have seen that coming!').

With these additions your piece would easily be a five star, however it is already so incredible. I can see you have great talent for inventive new ideas and exploring possibilities which is really exciting. I might head over to your profile to check out some of your other work as well.

Keep Writing :)
36
36
Review by
Rated: E | (5.0)
This was so beautiful! There is this really poignant mix of happiness and grief which gives this a really individual tone and outlook. I especially love those last few lines because until that point the relationship between narrator and "Gene" is a mystery. The reveal of that relationship is therefore so much more heartfelt and touching than if you had revealed that right from the start.

I also really like the rhyme scheme. It's something I often struggle to read because often the rhyme scheme feels forced, with words stuck at the ends of lines just to create a rhyme. Your rhyme is completely natural and unforced, with all the words chosen making complete sense which is a real achievement.

Keep Writing :)
37
37
Review by
Rated: E | (4.0)
This was so hopeful and uplifting!

I love the direct address, it immediately engaged me and made the poem seem so much more personal.

I also love that you didn't use a strict meter or traditional structure because it gave it this lovely feeling of flowing

Two suggestions:
- regarding that flowing feeling, could you take it even further? The best example I can give you is the final line "Just call out my name and I'll be near my dear"; could you disrupt this line? Perhaps split it into two lines or add a side thought in the middle? Or perhaps shift a section of the line further across the page or in a different font etc. ?

- could you separate the opening two lines? For me, I felt that I left a reasonable pause after "down today" and I needed a moment to process and appreciate it. Perhaps starting a new stanza or even placing it in italics or in speech marks will make I stand out more separately from the poem

These points, however, are incredibly minor and nitpicky. This poem struck me as incredibly talented but also hopeful and intimate.

Keep Writing :)
38
38
Review by
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
This character planning is meticulous and inventive!

I love the sound of Alice.

I have a few questions for you to help further the character:
- does Alice want friends or is she happy driving forward in her career?
Perhaps she could begin her journey not wanting friends but along the way she unwittingly makes some?

- you said that Alice is neat and tidy; might it be interesting to show the audience another perspective of that? Perhaps she goes outside and when in company she is organised, but could you show the audience a glimpse of her at home in her pjs or in the middle of the night or in the midst of an emotional crisis? Whilst I love that the character is driven, on the surface this may irritate the audience that she appears so perfect (even though she isn't, which is evident in your outline). Being able to physically show those imperfections as well as emotionally is crucial for aligning the audience

- finally, what are her long term aspirations? Yes, she wants to expand her career but to what end? Is there some major event she especially wants to lead? Is there a new book she is writing that she needs funding for? Your idea is good but vague... tell me more specifically what her main goal, which will drive the narrative, is.

These were just questions to get you thinking even more but I can tell from your plan that you are incredibly talented and you have really thought this story out. I really love the character and see a lot of my mother in her (which made me laugh, in some cases you described her to a T) and I feel like every audience member knows someone or is someone like this. In that she is so relatable.

Furthermore, even though these are just rough descriptions, I really love your righting style. You keep your sentences varied and use a range of language which kept me engaged enough to read through something as (don't hate me) uninteresting as a plan.

Keep Writing :)
39
39
Review by
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is such a beautiful poem. I love the imagery and the parallels drawn between the narrator and the geese.
My only dislike is that you use the word "geese" so much. Perhaps you could mix it up with "bird" or some kind of metaphor? I know the poem is obviously focused around them but, just like getting bored of repeating a name too much, I feel that you have slightly overdone it.
I really love the recurring theme of the nightgown as well and how simply but effectively you conjure the image of the narrator.
Keep Writing :)
40
40
Review by
Rated: E | (3.0)
I love the story and idea, and you really build the tension. I like that this wasn't written like a traditional nightmare story of "And then I woke up and it was all a dream, phew!" but rather "is this a dream?" "is this a dream?" etc. The uncertainty and tension in the story kept me reading.

However, I feel that there are multiple errors throughout the piece. Is English your first language? Perhaps go back and correct a few grammar mistakes. I'll list a few of the major ones below:

- you dip in and out of tenses. Either stay in perfect or stay in present. For example "Sometimes, he covers.... he took it off" Are you in present or past?

- your word order is sometimes a bit clumsy: "Something was missing in his life and what was that he couldn't figure it out" would read better and more naturally as "Something was missing from his life but he couldn't figure out what" and could even be sampled down further to "Something, he didn't know what, was missing from his life."
There are a few other cases where your word order is strange, most notably that you keep putting the verb "was" in the wrong place.

There are a few minor errors where what you've written makes sense but isn't very natural English.

Go back and re-edit the piece and it would be a five star! I love the character and the story, and the description you have (ignoring any grammar errors) is really exciting.

Don't let this get you down! Keep writing! :)
41
41
Review by
Rated: E | (3.5)
This poem is written quite cleverly.

I really like your use of language, using a combination of almost religious but also scientific language; it creates this really individual tone.

Perhaps you could add in a final stanza? I felt that the ending was very sudden and unexpected, and therefore rather unsatisfying. Perhaps you could end with what your point is about animals giving birth: what are you trying to say with this poem?

If it helps: try to explain the whole point of the poem in normal speaking. Why did you write it and what were your initial intentions. Then put those words into a final stanza!

Overall, a really clever and engaging piece.

Keep Writing :)
42
42
Review of Pippa  
Review by
Rated: E | (4.0)
It's a great story, and even without description (as flash fiction) I felt really invested and could really vividly imagine the scenario.

One question and/or pointer: who is Gerald? At first I thought there was only two characters, however you have three names? Perhaps make a greater distinction between who is speaking and add a description of some kind of movement so that we can tell that there are three characters more easily?

Ignoring that slight confusion, I really love this story. It would be something great to turn into a short story or a series of mini episodes? Do you write in screenplay format, because your style of writing would certainly suit that.

Keep Writing :)
43
43
Review by
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I love this story so much. The concept is so original, and the description is fantastic! I can't really even offer any constructive criticism, I'm just blown away by the whole story!

Having said that... I have one really stupid suggestion... could you change her name? This sounds ridiculous but the name just felt really clunky in the story???? I don't even have any other reasoning and it's probably just me reading it funny.

But yeah, this piece is so beautiful. I immediately aligned with the character, and could immediately feel what was coming.

Keep Writing :)
44
44
Review of The Fury  
Review by
Rated: E | (4.5)
This gave me actual chills. The way this poem so effortlessly conjures such vivid and violent imagery is absolutely incredible. I love your rhyming scheme and rhythm, and I love that (even though you have a rhyming scheme and rhythm) you haven't been afraid to play around with punctuation and vocabulary.

One suggestion: the lines "Let none defy in tepid protest,/ The power held within your war chest" I feel like each line needs a few less syllables. maybe cut out "tepid" and "war"? I can't give any reasoning except that it felt wordy.

Other than that, I couldn't fault this poem at all. it is thrilling and violent and also somewhat calming.

Keep Writing :)
45
45
Review by
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This poem is so powerful. I am always a bit nervous when I see that a poem is very long, as they can quickly become boring or waffly, however yours is beautiful and well constructed. Every line is just as powerful as the last and it really builds a terrifying but equally hopeful and powerful story. I have a few suggestions, though:
- firstly, I do not personally like the use of the photo. The placement of the photo is intrusive so, if you really want to keep the image, perhaps place it at the beginning or the end rather than slotted awkwardly after the first stanza? I myself feel that the photo is redundant, as your imagery and emotive language tell the story enough - the poem speaks for itself, it does not need photography to aid it.
- the final lines break the rule, and I love that, but perhaps you could take that further? Perhaps you could separate the final line "I lock you in, then press/ 'Delete'" just so, to really emphasise that it is the end of the poem and to exaggerate the break from the pattern. There is nothing wrong with it as it is, I would like to acknowledge that, however I feel like you could really push this poem to its limits.
- finally, I'm not a fan of your choice of word "a cursed mind" in your opening stanza. I don't know why (my brain is funny, so bear with) but I feel like (unless you pronounce it in the traditional English) its monosyllabic nature doesn't quite fit in the line. Perhaps try "tortured mind" or "imprisoned mind" or something of the sorts? I can't really properly justify the change, but I thought I'd mention it nonetheless
Ignoring my (rather pedantic) points, your poem is incredible and uplifting and equally terrifying. It is a daunting glimpse into a haunted soul, and equally a hopeful glimpse at a promising future. The contradicting emotions the poem evokes, the empathy, and the general imagery, are awe inspiring.
Keep Writing :)
46
46
Review by
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Wow. I really love the theme and the narrative of this poem. I especially love how the ending is phrased as if the lover is returning from death, even though it is the narrator turning to death; the ambiguity of the final stanza especially made the ending all the more hard hitting.
One suggestion: perhaps split the opening stanza into two? Maybe "our reunion.//My spirit aches for him" might be better, as I naturally gave a pause and the focus of the poem has shifted, so it felt awkward to immediately rush into the line.
I love the line at the end of that stanza "I implore you, sweet death" really hit hard and summed up the emotions and aim of the poem in general.
Keep Writing :)
47
47
Review by
Rated: E | (4.5)
I really love this poem. Although I've never been heartbroken, the emotions really hit me and nearly made me tear up.
One suggestion: maybe change "My heart wouldn't be broken" to "would not"? For me, I felt I needed an extra syllable in the line for it to flow nicely.
Ignoring that point, this was a faultless piece and really communicated the emotions; the spite, the loss and the still lingering love all come through excellently.
Keep Writing :)
48
48
Review of Malfeasants  
Review by
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is beautiful. Truly amazing. In fact, I don't think I have many other words beyond that. Not a very helpful review, I suppose, but this really evoked such strong emotions within me. Amazing.
49
49
Review of Fire Hands  
Review by
Rated: E | (3.0)
I love the idea of this story, and the description and imagery is really lovely.
However, I did spot a few errors:
- you keep flicking between past and present tense: "she screamed until her throat becomes sore" should be "became sore", this occurs several times throughout the piece so perhaps go back and have another edit
- the sentence "People running away..." doesn't make sense as it doesn't have a main clause. Change "running" to "were running" or "ran" or add in another clause such as "she looked up to see people running..."
- similarly, in the sentence "she looked down at her burnt clothes, smoking coming from everywhere", either "smoking" needs to be changed to a noun "smoke" or add a noun to make it an adverb "the smoking fire" "the smoking embers" or something of the like
- still about that sentence: perhaps you should add in a colon "She looked down: her burnt clothes, smoking embers coming from everywhere..." or change the sentence as it feels quite clunky

Overall, there are several more grammatical errors. I have a feeling that either this is your first draft, unedited, or English isn't your first language. Either way, go back and edit it, as the errors are detracting from what is an absolutely wonderful concept, with really thrilling imagery. Hone down the language, and it would certainly be a five star piece.

Keep Writing :)
50
50
Review of What I Am  
Review by
Rated: E | (5.0)
I absolutely love this! It's so positive, and incredibly well written. The flowing structure worried me when I first looked at the poem because I thought it might disrupt the narrative of the poem, but it just adds to the idea of your thoughts flowing out in one big segue.
Keep Writing :)
84 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 4 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/munky6/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/2