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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/murphyco
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1,047 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review by celticsea
Rated: E | (4.0)
Thanks! I passed!
2
2
Review of Wake Up!  
Review by celticsea
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Ken, it’s just me, Colleen. Lol. I was wondering when we would be presented with your Earth Day poem, and I am happy you did not disappoint. Your message is on target and your last line is priceless. (Too bad he won’t read it.)

If I had to critique I would say your rhythm is a little inconsistent, especially in the fourth stanza. (But I played around with my own rhythm so it’s like Gary Coleman calling Napoleon short. )

Good luck with the contest!
Colleen
3
3
Review of A Road To Follow  
Review by celticsea
Rated: E | (5.0)
Ken,
This reminds me a bit of "The Road Less Traveled." Are the choices we make actually choices or are we just following some course previously set out or simply laid out as we go - one foot in front of the other with each step a new possibility? Life is a very strange thing and I like the way you have played with it. Have you gone astray? Who am I to say?

Well done with the form and good luck with the contest!

Colleen
4
4
Review of Devolution  
Review by celticsea
Rated: E | (5.0)
Let me guess...you are a Trump supporter? Lol. I thought of going here, but did not have the guts. You have done a great job expressing the polar opposites of the president and the president-elect.
5
5
Review by celticsea
In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Flashramey,
Is this based on your experience and if so, which part did you play in this? I know in your bio you said much of what you wrote was you, and this definitely sounds like a true story. You have expressed the anguish of the mother quite well in your poem. I know she did the right thing at the time even though she still seems not to have forgiven herself for her choice. I do hope the child would have been excited to know she had an older sister and to have the opportunity to get to know her.

Thank you for sharing such honest emotions with us!
Colleen
aka celticsea
6
6
Review by celticsea
In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
AuthorS,
I did start to read your third chapter of the book you are writing, as you requested, but after I got about halfway through I had trouble keeping track of what was going on. Let me preface this by saying I am not a fan of fantasy. I prefer realistic or historical fiction.

I do have a few suggestions based on the reading I did. First of all, brush up on your editorial skills. Capitalizing the start of tags - the king said, e.g., and putting periods before the tags - "...we are to discuss today.' He said as the young servant filled his cup," is a distraction for me. There are words being capitalized that should not be capitalized as well. Getting a short lesson on such punctuation will help others when they are trying to read what you write.

I do think you have a good idea for your story; I just find it very difficult to follow. There are so many different characters being introduced, and then after all the discussion about the decision to be made, even with the threat of chopping off everyone's head, Maurice says he's already made up his mind.

Maybe it would be better as two chapters?

Again, I do admit to struggling with this genre. I would suggest you slow down the scene a bit, and maybe simplify it a little as well.

Best of luck with your book and better luck finding someone who is more a fan of this genre!!
7
7
Review of SONG OF LOVE  
Review by celticsea
In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Tubelsaviz,

It took me until the middle of the piece to realize the pattern you were weaving with your poetry. I suspect this is a particular form where the last word becomes the first word of the next sentence and there are about ten syllables per line? If this is, it would be good to add a note at the bottom of your post to let people know the name of the form and how it works. If it is not, perhaps you should create one because I like the way your poem flows with the pattern you've presented.

I think, at least in my opinion, to strengthen this poem I would make each stanza focus on a certain sense - like the gaze and what it sees, like sound - and the song the voice is singing, instead of mixing them together throughout the stanzas. There just seems to be a lack of organization, or center it around the song your heart is singing, and continue the thread of the song throughout. Just a thought.

I do love the passion you have expressed.

Might I also say welcome to WDC and keep on writing!!

Thanks for sharing!
Colleen
aka celticsea
8
8
Review of What It Takes  
Review by celticsea
In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Mizz Jones,
Everyone should have an Aunt Frances like yours! She sounds like such a wonderful, down-to-earth woman who clearly had her priorities straight! You have shown us through your words how she treated children like people and how her cooking and sense of humor made such an impression upon you. Your poem is filled with great descriptive language bringing the reader into your experiences. I am glad your aunt lived a long, full life and I glad you were able to have her in your life as well!

Welcome again to Writing.com!! Check out the multitude of contests which give you a chance to hone your skills as well as potentially earn gift points!!

Write on!
Colleen
aka celticsea
9
9
Review of The Well Lit  
Review by celticsea
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Winchester Jones,
Congratulations on your co-win! You have done an awesome job seamlessly incorporating the prompt words into your story. Your dialogue is believable and your development of the sad character Ray is done well through his own actions and others' reactions.

Well done!
Colleen
aka celticsea
10
10
Review by celticsea
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Charlie and Cinn (and are your related to Cinn and Charlie?)
What a very sad situation for the speaker in this poem, even though there is a bit of hope in the end. You set the scene right away with your title, and then your well-chosen words present a picture of what seems to be a very troubled young adult. The grandmother seems to have somewhat of a clue as to what is going on, but still believes in the speaker.

If that is what this poem is about, you have done a great job. I don't know whether this is autobiographical but it certainly rings genuine. The language sounds real and the rhyming is good.

I don't really have any major critique. I would just recommend perhaps playing with the last stanza a little.

Well done!
Colleen
aka celticsea
11
11
Review of The Birdwatcher  
Review by celticsea
In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Countrymom (aka Julie),
What a sweet poem about what I suspect is a longtime companion of yours? I can definitely relate to Jewel's antics as we have a male Siamese/Ragdoll mix that should never have been an outside cat, but he wanted it so badly there was no stopping him! Unfortunately he has done more than just look longingly after the birds, but also fortunately most of the birds are smarter and quicker than he is.

I do hope this poem is autobiographical because I like the thought of the company the cat can give you! Thanks for sharing your words and for the smile the reading it gave to me!

Hugs,
Colleen
aka celticsea
12
12
Review by celticsea
In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Rhychus (fun name),
Congratulations on your win in today's Writer's Cramp. You have let us experience each of the senses with great imagery. Your rhythm and meter are spot on, and you definitely communicate the situation well of this child who never knew his father. I can relate to an extent as I didn't meet my father until I was 17 and didn't have much contact with him after that. I love the line "Naught for the face that resembles my own."

The only critique I have is with the fact the newspaper is musty. I would expect the musty smell with an older paper and I didn't get the sense from the poem that this happened in the past, but it could just be my interpretation.

Thanks for sharing your talent and congratulations again!!
Colleen
aka celticsea
13
13
Review of Untitled 2  
Review by celticsea
In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Well done with your senses poem! I do hope this time will never occur for you (or that it is not based on experience), but you clearly have brought forth each of the senses without having mentioned any of them directly! I cannot say I have a favorite line because I think each is well-articulated.

Good luck with the contest!
Colleen
aka celticsea
14
14
Review of Nature's Grace  
Review by celticsea
In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Dave,
What a great job you have done with a very difficult form! We were just admiring the hummingbirds in a friend's backyard this weekend, so I know it is too difficult to capture the beauty of those flitting creatures. Your words flow and fit the form perfectly.

Well done!

Colleen
aka celticsea
15
15
Review of Memorial Day  
Review by celticsea
In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Sabrina,

What a beautiful tribute to Memorial Day and to Longfellow as your poem not only commemorates those who served, but the poet who wrote so eloquently about it. Your poem has the same tone as "Decoration Day," while altering the rhyming pattern. My favorite verse is the first, as it reminds me of walking through Arlington Cemetery.

Congratulations on winning the Cramp and for sharing your talents!

Colleen
aka celticsea
16
16
Review by celticsea
In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Dearest Ken,
Happy Columbus Day! I can't (and can) believe you have over 1100 community recognitions. What a great contribution you are making to WDC. I, on the other hand, have all but disappeared. School has taken a front seat in my mind and life, leaving little room for thought beyond lesson plans. That's okay because teaching gives me the paycheck that pays the bills allowing my daughters to go to college and become a veterinarian, a Combat Systems Officer in the Air Force, and a yet-to-be determined calling. Ha ha.

But I did see your challenge this morning and I had to take advantage of it. (A three-day weekend gives me a little room for extracurricular thought.) The mention of the Redskins was an added incentive. Many of my relatives are big fans, so when they are not playing Denver, I too will pull for them.

As to your poem, "Under the Sign of the Wolf," there are phrases in it I truly love and then some I feel could be stronger, to be consistent with the poetic language throughout - unless changing the flow was intentional. My two favorite lines or phrases are these:

An hourglass perches
on one corner,
the sand lying motionless
as if time has stopped.

and,

A framed picture of a wolf,
singing its silent song
to a moon that never sets,

I love how you have created the images in my mind. *Smile*

The two parts I feel could be strengthened are:

I perch, owl like,
on the edge of my swivel chair,
as my mind absorbs
the puzzle pieces that surround me.

and,

The clank of spray cans,
the sharp tang of paint,
the movement as I watched
deft strokes cage this creature of the night.

I understand what you are saying there, but the images created in my mind, at least, are not as strong. The words, to me, are not as convincing. Overall, it is a strong piece, but the choices for words could be stronger in parts.

I hope you are well!

Hugs,
Colleen
17
17
Review by celticsea
Rated: E | (4.5)
Huntersmoon (aka Ken *Smile*)

You have done a great job, as usual, with your entry into the latest Pond Poetry contest. Your words are strong and on point, truly inspired by the link provided. Your syllable count and rhyme are perfect. I stumbled a little with the rhythm primarily in the last two lines of the last verse, but overall, you have succeeded in creating another winning piece.

Hugs,
Colleen
aka celticsea
18
18
for entry "Pinwheel" 
Review by celticsea
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Joy,
It's fun to see the different contests and activities in which others are participating. There is so much offered on the site many of us don't even know about! I love pinwheels! This reminds me I need to find the one I have for my classroom before the kids come in on Wednesday! A school social worker recommended it as a good relaxation tool because of the process you go through in order to make the wheel turn (If you are not relying on the wind!). And she was right!!

My favorite line in your piece is the second one. How well you have personified the pinwheel! I also like how the pinwheel is seen as celebrating the change of seasons. You have done a great job following the form for the Triquain. Thanks so much for sharing your talent and congratulations for completing the I Write challenge!!

Colleen
19
19
Review of Coffee  
Review by celticsea
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Christine,
I am reviewing your coffee piece, after just brewing my own cup, because I am not comfortable reading the entry you posted for I Write. You would think by the age of fifty-six I would lose my inhibitions, but scars from the past still haunt me. So, I chose a much safer piece and one to which I can quite easily relate.

I like how you have written this piece as if you were having a relationship with the cup of coffee. I am sure many people feel the same way about their cups of Joe, and I like the idea of paying tribute to something so much a regular part of our lives. You provide very specific information about your ritual and what it means to you.

There are a few sections where I gave pause while reading. One is, I don't think this is a complete sentence: "When I fill the kettle, no - already when I see the kettle sitting there, waiting for me in its black and silver sleekness." Also, you say it's not a special mug, but then you say, "I use it for all my coffee cups during the day and one of the things that make it special to me is this particular coffee I am preparing just now."

Thanks for sharing this fun piece! Great job carrying out this summer endeavor!
Write on!
Colleen
aka celticsea
20
20
Review of Molly  
Review by celticsea
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Jordan,
You have made quite the entrance into Writing.com with this very powerful piece of poetry. Bullying is unfortunately an extremely relevant and prevalent topic and you seem to know its effects quite well. I hope this is from observance and not autobiographical.

The story line rings very true; I think you have done a good job relating the sequence of events. Most of your words are well chosen. I do question your use of the word "greedy" in the following couplet, "Molly had goals. Molly had dreams
But each one was crushed by greedy teens." I don't think greed is the driving force in bullying behavior.

As far as your end rhyme, you maintain a consistent pattern throughout. Toward the end you use more of the near rhymes which you might want to fix if you come back to this piece. My last suggestion would be for you to work on your rhythm. Personally, so this is a matter of my opinion, if I read a poem that starts out with a particular meter, I want to hear the meter continued throughout the entire piece, for the most part. It's okay for you to be one syllable short or over, but the ears want to hear the consistency. I do think it's okay to change it up in the last verse, as you have.

Overall, this is a good piece which covers an important topic. I hope you find plenty to keep you occupied and inspired on this site. There are contests galore and many people who are willing to help you develop your skills.

Thanks for sharing your talents!
Colleen
aka celticsae
21
21
Review of Winter Colors  
Review by celticsea
Rated: E | (3.5)
NRB,

I am reviewing your poem because you reviewed a piece in the prior mission and then I chose your port to visit in the current mission. This all gets so complicated!!

First thing I noticed was how well your rhyme scheme worked. You have perfect rhymes in your abcb defe ... pattern. You also have a fairly consistent meter. However, although it is okay to vary your meter length on occasion, you should try to maintain it consistently throughout. For example, in your first verse you use 6677, and then you start out the second verse with 66, but then change to 96. Of course it is okay not to have any meter at all, but with a rhyming poem, once you set it up, the reader's ear anticipates the rhythm to continue.

Your words are playful. I like the way you personified the sun. I might change the title however because your poem is less about "Winter Colors" and more about the sun's romp.

Of course all I have said is just my opinion. Thanks for sharing!!

Colleen
aka celticsea
22
22
Review by celticsea
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Spidey,
I can't tell you how timely my happening upon your list is. As a teacher, my summer is almost over. The only time I get to read much - other than school-oriented materials - is during the summer, and I have been enjoying that hobby. But I am about to go on vacation and need another novel to grab my attention.

I love the idea of a list, and I may even use it myself, from this point forward, so I know what I have and haven't read. And, what I have started, but couldn't finish. When there is so little time for pleasure reading I choose not to waste it on something that is uninteresting. I also really like how you have given the links for the books. You went above and beyond, making it very easy for the reader of your list to find the a recommended title.

Thank you very much for this great tool!
Colleen
aka Celticsea
23
23
Review by celticsea
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Dawn,

Your piece was the third one to come up for me in the random read. The first I had already reviewed (what are the chances of that?) and the second was the name of a contest.

Overall, I like the story. I think it's funny how the patient talks himself through the session and leaves without the therapist saying anything. I also liked how he talked himself into finally fulfilling his New Year's resolution, albeit eleven months later. I was a little confused with the first sentence, and had to reread it several times to make sense of it. I guess he was hoping for the bed-like couch. The parenthetical about the old-school style of taking notes doesn't seem necessary to me. The reader gets the picture with your first description. These are minor issues, but in a flash fiction story, as you know, with the limit on the number of words, it's good to be able to get rid of superfluous material.

Thanks for sharing your talents!!
Colleen
aka celticsea
24
24
for entry "The Welcome" 
Review by celticsea
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Joy,
Yuck!! I think I would have left a memo as well!! It is quite the challenge to create a scary story in only 100 hundred words. I must say I was sufficiently horrified by your brief tale, so good job! There is so little to critique because it develops well and it is easy to see how carefully you chose your words. There are only two parts which I would consider changing. One is "entwining his body to mine." I am not sure that is exactly the image you are trying to conjure up in the reader's mind. Would it be more like latching onto my neck? The other is "Serrated words sliced me like a chainsaw." I do like the image of the chainsaw, but I don't know how the words would be serrated.

This, of course, is merely my opinion. Overall, great job!

Colleen
aka celticsea
25
25
Review of The Artist  
Review by celticsea
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Ken,

Four verses? Are you an overachiever!!! You tell the tale of this tortured artist quite well, and it doesn't seem forced, despite the form. I am not sure how he transitioned so easily from madness to sanity, why it took him so long to recognize the obvious, but perhaps it was a matter of age giving him the voice of reason. I didn't count the syllables, but they seem right, and your end rhymes follow the scheme required. You did a great job with the internal rhymes between lines 1 and 2!

Great job with this extremely difficult form. I wonder if the person who invented it ever wrote more than one?

Keep up the good work and best of luck with the contest!
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