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1
1
Review by Myles Abroad
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hello Norbanus,
Hope you're keeping well.

THis is another great chapter! The figurine mystery gets unrarvelled and what a tale. Brilliant imagination, From CIA links to Cosa Nostra, you certainly cover a wide range.

Plenty of action too, with the investigating duo trapped in Oscar junior's house. And how could they not intervene when the creep was being abusive. Great scene. you did a nice job here with the action.

You interleave the burgeoning relationship, throughput this chapter, each experience they as one more development point in their affection towards eac other.

You also show the start of an untangling of the insurance fraud. How deeply was Nancy involved?

Once again you end on a cliff hanger. Seems all their careful preparation for a trap may be in vain.

This Chapter has everything. Like I said, brilliant!

I spotted a couple of typos. Sorry to hear about your sister. Sounds like someone who was good to you. who shared an interest in your writing. I think you're hard on yourself. You grammar is excellent. Most of what I find are typo's or missing words. I do that all the time and my wife sometimes comments my word count would be double once I included all the words I mean to say! Even when I read it over I don't see all the missing words, my mind places them there.

Any way, below is a few of these I found:

"...gun out, and pointing..." Either drop 'and' or use pointed?

"theirimpeccably" their impeccably?

"... sit down, I try to..." i'll?

"... wanted figurine back..." missing 'the'?
""Let me grab few things." Two open quotes and missing 'a'?

"He glanced out the window make sure..." missing 'to'?

"Rebecca was already on her toward..." missing 'way'?

"...what he's done so" you hit a carriage return here and the next line continues the dialogue.

Again, an excellent chapter and until next time,

Mark
2
2
Review by Myles Abroad
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hello Norbanus,

This is a great chapter. A lot is revealed. Micheal and Rebecca do some impressive double teaming on Melvin and get great intel from him. So Micheal's Dad ran some special operations in the war. That's certainly interesting and explains Mr. Banks' involvement.

Learning Oscar Moore's name still leaves the investigating duo a bit in the dark. Father and son share the same name. Their quest resumes but Mr. Banks might have a word or two to say about that.

I really liked Dexter. Sarah's one hell of a cook. It comes in handy for manipulating people!

Great job! I noticed a few typos, things I'm always doing myself.

"I have conducted a search two, Rebecca." missing 'or'?

"Michael handed negative..." missing 'the'?

"punctuated now and then the sound of machinery." missing 'by'?

"steal those things Sarah" missing 'from'?

"gave it Major Hall as a reward" missing 'to'?

"Sarge's promise riches" missing 'of'?

Brilliant chapter!

Until Next time,

Mark
3
3
Review of Chapter 16  
Review by Myles Abroad
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello again Norbanus!

Hearing from you earlier reminded me to finish the last few chapters of this intriguing tale. Actually I read them months ago when I noticed you posted them up. I'd been checking from time to time anxious to know how all the threads tie together. So I'll review each chapter as before.

So Melvin's part in this sorted affair is beginning to get untangled and both Michael and Rebecca are continuing to gell together as an investigative team, not to mention the sexual chemistry that's developing. Nice job with the teasing and innuendo!

What I find remarkable with your writing is ayour characterization. You do it through dialog, action tags and mannerisms. You develope unique traits for each character, even the minor characters like Lloyde. The way he allows himself to be walked on, his good natued barbs speak volumes of his chacter. Great showing! Melvin is the same, eyes cast to the floor, ashamed subservient or afraid.

As always, the story flows effortlessly, the dialog so natural that it appears to drive the story forward of its own will.

I found a few typos below. Hope you don't mind. In no way did they detract from the story, but I only point them out in case you want to know.

"Rebecca grabbed last piece..." missing 'a'

"...looked every bigt of it." typo

"He motioning them toward..." motioned

" Rebecca picking up ..." picked

"Good thing, too. Lloyd's pointed to..." Lloyde. Also maybe 'Good thing, too.' Shouldn't be here as this parts from Rebecca's POV and she doesn't see what's on the page at this point.

"Lloyd pointing to the door..." pointed

" Lloyd heartily approved of the change in his friend, since Rebecca came into the picture." Maybe this sentence doesn't belong here or can be written in a way that reflects Rebecca's POV.

"when he paid off." missing was?

"Melvin's his eyes blinked." Delete his?

"I don't do stuff like do that." Delete 2nd 'do'

""You always were weak little..." missing 'a'

That's about it. Again, thanks for the great read and I'll get onto the next chapter.

Until Next Time,

Mark
4
4
Review of Tried & True  
Review by Myles Abroad
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Kjo,

Saw this posted up on 'Please Review' and thought I'd take a gander and am really glad I did. I really love this kind of story. Filled with detail that imbues nostalgia, it's written about a life that's dear to my heart. My Grandmother grew up in the 'hollers of Virginia', her family having settled there with Daniel Boone's second expedition. She, along with some of here brothers migrated to Ohio in the '20's to work in Dayton's factories. Eventually the rest of the family followed. I grew up hearing them talk of their life.A hard life, one of discipline that formed a closeness, a deep respect for family values and a deep faith in God. Even though their own lives improved, that generation still stuck with with their values with an iron disciple.

The detail in this story is really well done. Loved you metaphors, example: 'eyes the color of molasses' and so much. I could easily picture the house, the farmyard, the river. Loved the mention fireflies and the sound of the whippoorwill.

Despite having a lot of characters in this story you give enough and perspective of Cora's insight into each of her children that I didn't get confused by them. You introduced them gradually through dialog, Cora's thoughts and even physical description. This was well done.

This was written in the past tense, from Cora's POV. At various times you provide flashbacks. For the most part these transition well without drawing any confusion. However, In the second paragraph, I initially thought Avery Jr was in the kitchen with her. After reading on, I realized he wasn't. May I suggest that you insert a 'had' in '...Avery Jr. who, with caution in his voice questioned her' to be '...Avery Jr. who, with caution in his voice had questioned her'

This is a fantastic story but I have one more suggestion and that's all it is. This story is consistently told from Cora's POV but there are two instance where it's telling veers away from Cora. The first occurs with Jack, when Cora tells him about she and Avery's early life on the farm. Up to this point, you expressed Cora's perception of what her children thought, but now it's directly what Jack thinks.

The second instance is when Cora overhears their conversation, and at this point the reader transported to the room where the talking takes place by the your physical descriptions. In my opinion, you could either switch POV's for the duration of the conversation, or keep it in Cora's doing it as she would only hear their voices. Using the second option, though, the reader shouldn't be informed of Billy's intention to move in with her. That could be included at the end in a conversation.

These points are minor and only a suggestions. This story stands beautifully as it. I loved the the upbeat ending, her faithful hound doing his duty.

Keep on writing. I'd love to read more like this!

Myles Abroad


5
5
Review of Lost  
Review by Myles Abroad
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi MarieV,

Found this on 'Read and Review' and it caught my eye. I really enjoyed this very well written piece.

I enjoy the slow, the imagery your writing invokes. The central message that others pay for the greed, ambition and arrogance of others. You're right and it continues, but we have a responsibility to always question, to challenge those with the presiding opinions.

The Titanic is a prime example of arrogance gone afoul, and the victims of that tragedy thankfully are remembered.

There are a couple of suggestions I have:
1. Is there a missing 'they' in the sixth sentence: "Even though now are on..."
2. In the fourth paragraph, maybe "...greedy, will never survive." would sound better with "...greedy, we will never survive."

Of course you can ignore these as you know what's best for your own story.

Thanks for sharing and keep on writing.

Myles Abroad

6
6
Review of Her  
Review by Myles Abroad
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Jogan!

Hope you are keeping well. I saw this item posted on 'Please Review', so I thought I'd stop by and have a read. I'm glad I did!

A very introspective read. You took me down the path of someone suffering from a classic case of 'beer goggles' and his realization. I though the last line was poignant, "Or maybe I did, and I didn’t care enough to remember." To me, it represents that the narrator was looking for something to overcome his doubts of self worth, in short, his experience was solely based on his needs not hers.

You do a good job of bringing the reader into the narrator's state of mind. Your use of language is excellent, the flow engaging, abrupt when needed, delicate when the narrator's pleasure is expressed. Soothing.

I do have a couple of suggestions that may improve an already well written piece. Anything I say can be taken with a grain of salt. I'm by no means an expert and most of what I say has been pointed out to me as I've made my own journey in writing.

As I already said, you do great job of pulling the reader into the narrator's head space. I believe the reader would be further engaged if you engaged his physical senses more, sounds, smells, touch, etc. And you do this really well in places such as:

"...static was dancing down my spine where the pads of her fingers kissed my neck..."

"Her hands brushed off the nape of my neck..."

"I felt a frigid rush of air as the door creaked open,"

These are excellent, laced with feeling, except it's not done enough. Maybe it's because you don't do it in the opening paragraph and from the start I'm not fully engaged. You could interlace sentences at the beginning to describe, the crush of people at the bar, the smell of stale cigarette smoke, the din of voices of the beat of music as you describe later.

Another suggestion is to avoid the use of words like feel, think, etc. These words distance the reader and you are now telling the story instead of showing it. For example: "I felt a frigid rush of air as the door creaked open," could be rewritten as "Frigid fingers stole down my neck as..." This is more immediate.

When speaking about being immediate, try to avoid the passive voice. For example: "...static was dancing down my spine..." could be rewritten as "...static dance down my spine..." Less words and the feeling is in the here and now.

Those are my thoughts. Of course, you know best for your story and style. This is a great read as it is.

Thanks for for sharing it. You have a gift. Keep on writing!

All the best,

Mark
7
7
Review by Myles Abroad
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello K5Ratikan,

I'm reviewing the chapters you posted for "Kaiba's Prostitute" as you requested. Firstly, let me apologize for the delay in getting back to you. All the thoughts I'm postiong are my opinion only. I'm by no means an expert and anything I point out are merely things I've learned along the way. I certainly mean no harm in any of my comments. I hope to be constructive in everything I say.


Maybe it's both a generational and geographical thing, but I'd never head of Seto Kaiba so I won't be able to comment on issues pertaining to the overall context of the story. However, I can comment on the story as it is and I felt I didn't need to know much background to understand the interplay between the characters. You did a good job of conveying enough information in the story without losing someone like me with no prior knowledge of the background story.

The story's pace is very good. It's very dialog dependant which moves the story along quickly. Your descriptions are subtle and concise preventing the reader from getting mired in details. I found it easy to imagine the background, but I did live in the bay area at one time so that may have helped. For example, I know what Caltrain is already, but someone else may not know and could be left wondering at the lack of description. Just a thought, and most would assume it's a commuter train.

The dialog is excellent. You do a great job in being able to distinguish the characters by their manner in speaking. For example Rob Fletcher's surfer accent alone makes me picture him as a laid back guy, casual dress, tanned and long haired.

You use the third person point of view, multi-viewpoint, to narrate the story. For the most part this is good but you tend to slip quickly to someone else's POV and and you lose your connection with the narrating character. For example, when Joan and Marc are shopping, you are narrating from Joan's POV, but for a brief instant you switch to the security guards POV describing how he sees, Joan, Marc and Roland. It jars you from Joan's headspace briefly but you lose an overall sense of connection. This occurs numerous times when Sato goes to the office.

The tense is in the past and it was flawless. Your grammar is excellent. Nothing stood out to me as being wrong.

I assume the story arc relates to Joan acting in the role of Sato's prostitute, the development of their relationship and the impact their assignation has on Joan's other relationships. Like you said in the intro, you'll be showing polyamory relationships in a good light, as you already have. The plot so far closely follows that arc. Both Sato and Joan are well introduced as the main characters and their first one-on-one encounter is about to happen. That all works well.

You create an atmosphere of acceptance for poly-amourism and Sato, a foreigner, views it as strange. I presume he will come to see its advantages. THis is only a story but my only reservation would be that while some may be happy with that kind of relationship, I think most are wired towards monogamy, and jealousies and hurts tend to rise in situations like this. I would think it to be a little unrealistic unless you showed how poly-amorous can also go wrong. That's only my opinion, though. You know best for your story.

That's all I have. I enjoyed reading these chapters. The time flew by as I immersed myself in the world you created. Great job and keep on writing. You show great talent.

Until Next Time,

Mark
8
8
Review of Chapter 15  
Review by Myles Abroad
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi Fred,

Great chapter! Lots going on here. We touch bases again with Oscar, the Sarge and Melvin. Something's coming and Melvin has something important to tell Sarge. A lot of questions.

Someone's tailing Rebecca and her and Michael's relationship takes a deeper turn.

You round it up with another cliff hanger. Poor Sarah's been burglarized again. Just what did her husband get involved with?

The dialog between Oscar and his Dad was brilloiant, gritty and delivered an tone of contempt. The story continues to move at a great pace. I have no problem imagining it play out in my head and you leave enough suspense to keep me involved.

I found a few typos and whatnot. Nothing big.

"Just his once," should be "Just this once,"

"complained he was a bully when he uses.." maybe use "used" or "complains" to keep tenses consistent.

"...and tried to learned finesse..." should be "learn"

"He never saw the man in the evergreens beside the road." This last sentence in Oscar's POV shouldn't be included since he didn't see Melvin he can't know to comment.

"I always knew when you aren't telling me the truth." Should you use "know" instead of "knew"?

"as she ran to her for her car," delete 'for her'

"No sigh of Michael." should be sign

"The tips of her fingers resting lighted on his arm" delete resting.

Really enjoying this and looking forward to the next chapter.

Talk soon.

Mark

9
9
Review of Chapter 14  
Review by Myles Abroad
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi Fred,

Now I've caught up again. Great chapter and really liked Rebecca's backstory. I felt bad for her. So unfair that she was harassed like that and on top of that made to feel like she was emotionally unstable by the authorities. That man ruined her life. Sounded like he had inside police information. So, is this Ethan character turning up again in her life. Sounds like it especially with way way she was recommended to Sarah.

Great mystery going on here. The dialog is brilliant once again and it flows really well.

I spotted a couple of things. Nothing big.

It seems from this point, "They headed up the stairs to her apartment arm in arm." there is a shift in POV from Rebecca to Micheal. If you placed stars before this sentence you would clear that up.

"Michael dr0ve his car..." typo should be "drove".

"They insisting that they meet me before I'd go inside." should be "insisted".

"Of course, I lost my job when I ran off mid lady like that," should that be "midday"?

"After few minutes.." missing 'a'.

"...it made feel strangely vulnerable that Michael knew." missing 'her'

" When he did so, bubbly voice poured forth." missing 'a' before bubbly.

That's all I got. Looking forward to your next installment. Again, sorry for the delay in getting back to you.

Talk soon,

Mark


10
10
Review of Chapter 13  
Review by Myles Abroad
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi Fred,

I've been away on vacation for the last while so I haven't been able catch up with your story. It's great to get back to it and you bring me back into an intriguing mystery. So Albert was being pressured to sell. Seems like maybe whoever wanted that land also thought it they could get rid of Michael and Rebecca at the same time. Kill to birds with one stone, so to speak. Now they've just walked into something else. You leave another cliff hanger. Excellent.

I love the dialog and it flows really well and totally believable.

I only noticed a couple of minor issues.

"Past the outerbelt, he turned off on off on a State Route 17..." delete "off on a"

"He noticed her stare, and that her eyes didn't hold any distaste. She just seemed curious." This veers into Michael's POV. I think you could use "He noticed her stare" and drop the rest and then his dialog.

"The Ohio Corporation Department..." Missing the opening ".

You're building a great story here. I'm really enjoying it.

Talk to you soon after I look at your next chapter.

Mark
11
11
Review of Chapter 12  
Review by Myles Abroad
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Howdy Fred,

A much anticipated chapter and it delivered. Somebody has it in for Rebecca. Is it someone other that Oscar? Hmmm. Rebecca doubted Michael again and I was there with her, saying where did Michael come from. Why does he always show up. I do believe he's genuine but I can see why Rebecca would be suspicious. You have done a good job in building this tension.

You've left a cliff hanger again. I'm hooked.

I've spotted a couple of items but please these are only suggestions and in no way meant to be a criticism. Your spinning a fantastic tale and whatever mention certainly doesn't take away from that.

First scene, Rebecca's POV was perfect. Second scene is Michael's POV It takes a few sentences to know it's Michael's POV instead of Rebecca's. If you could start the scene showing it's from Michael's POV it would clarify this. Maybe something like, ("Are you all right?" Michael asked, his heart in his mouth seeing Rebecca crumpled in on herself.) Or something like that. You'd word it better, I'm sure, but right away the reader knows this scene is in Michael's POV. Also "Tremors were coursing through her." can be taken as Rebecca's POV and I initially thought the scene was in her POV until the next sentence. Also from, "He hadn't laughed at her and his caring prompted..." until, "I can certainly understand that." is in Rebecca's POV along with, "She felt safe, protected in his arms and wanted to stay there. But nagging questions were starting to fill her mind, and the non-stop, honking of a horn reminded her of where they were."

"She had not been so frightened been since..." delete 2nd 'been.'

"I just scream and jumped..." screamed

"...but however was doing this..." whoever instead of however.

"Because my anonymous caller said I'd find answers that case..." missing 'to' before 'that'

"...is you good, solid instincts." your instead of you

"... who might want poleax you?" should it be "... who might not want to poleaxe you?"



"... but he would never take chance." missing a close quotes at the end of chance.

That's all I have. Like I've said, I'm enjoying your tale and it's a pleasure reviewing it.,

Cheers!

Mark
12
12
Review of Chapter 10  
Review by Myles Abroad
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Morning Fred,

Excellent chapter! The relationship between Michael and Rebecca deepens as the plot develops. Their trust issue are minimized as they pursue their leads in the missing angle. It seems no matter where they turn the art dealers are in cahoots with Oscar's people or the powerful Sicilian family. Seems the grandfather made off with the original piece and his sins are catching up with his family. Intriguing tale.

I've listed a few things I noticed.

You slipped into Michael's POV from "Yes, I do," Michael admitted." to "Where do you live?"

"His rotten childhood was something he rarely thought about, and when he did it was never pleasant."This sentence is from Michael's POV and you can probably delete it. He explain it in dialogue anyways.

"Since I didn't know who that is..." I think the tense here is wrong. Should be either "Since I don't know who that is..." or "Since I didn't know who that was..."

"She Shrugged." lower case s on shrugged.

"... has a long-standing reward for its turn." Should that be 'return'?

"...name embossed on it. This little gallery..." Missing " before 'This'.

"Michael drove into an alley then park behind..." Should be 'parked'.

"This is a better than average copy. - Missing close quotes. Actually, you hit a new line in the middle of the lady's dialogue.

"...is of made of ..." delete the first 'of'.

It could just be me, but I found this line a bit confusing, "Rebecca knew everything about this woman and her shop was designed to create an effect..." Rebecca doesn't know this woman so should you rather say "Rebecca didn't know anything about this woman, but her shop was designed to create an effect..." or something like that.

That's all I have. Keep it coming. A great read!

Cheers,

Mark
13
13
Review of Chapter 9  
Review by Myles Abroad
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Good morning Fred,

Excellent chapter. You created an excellent sensually charged scene with a bit of humor mixed in. The bit where Tony and especially Sarah interrupt them is hilarious.

Being pedantic, though, you switch back and forth between POV's through this scene, You start with Michael, then Rebecca when she wakes and back to who ever is in action. In a scene like this I can see how showing how both feel seems important but to maintain the third person POV you'll need to choose one.

I really love both characters and the way you have continued to develop them. There's still a wedge of distrust between them that I believe will get worked out as the story progresses. It's great conflict that drives the story along.

This line kind of threw me. "I thought you were the detective." This line kind of threw me. At first I though she meant she though whoever was waking her was a detective, instead of a slur. Might be less confusing if she said, "Some detective!" of course that's just my opinion.

I only spotted one typo.

"For the next few minutes vanished behind them until slowly..." drop 'For'.

Good ending. How will Michael react? Will Rebecca even believe him. The trust issue between ratchets up.

Really enjoying this and thanks for posting these chapters up.

Cheers!

Mark
14
14
Review by Myles Abroad
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Greetings!

I came across this in please review and had a peak. It captured my attention and it held me to the very end.

It's exceptionally well written and I didn't noticed any grammar issues.
It reads like a tale told by a shaman. That same tone. The theme that resonates is that it's the inner beauty that counts and not the contraptions of power or materialism. It's poignant when the God acknowledges her beauty only after he observes her kindness and joy. Hers is a lasting beauty.
The style of writing is with an omniscient narrator. One doesn't connect with the main characters but that suits this type of story which places more emphasis on conveying a moral.

I enjoyed reading this and can't suggest anyway to improve it.

Thanks for sharing and keep on writing.

Mark
15
15
Review of Jack's Solution  
Review by Myles Abroad
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hiya Robert,

Great story! At first I was thinking he was going to take out a perpetrator. I guess he did, but I didn't guess it was him. Clever twist and should have picked up on the fact that he met 'daddyo'.

The pace was really good and the story flowed seamlessly. You had me from the start, trying to anticipate where you were leading.

Your details of sixties money, music, dress and hair styles was well done and seemed authentic. I bet the cabby nearly went himself with a five pound fare!

Your characterization and dialog was brilliant.

I picked up one issue you might look at:"Objects surrounded it marked.." Should this be, "Objects surrounded it, marking..."

As always, you spin a really good tale. It fits the sci-fi genre and I wish you good luck in the contest.

All the best,

Mark
16
16
Review of Chapter 8  
Review by Myles Abroad
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Howdy Fred,

Three quick scenes that move the story along and well as few more questions. So sarge, Melvin and Michael's grandpa all served together. It seems Fast Eddy double crossed Sarge on the figurine and maybe with his wife. Seems Sarge wants to get some revenge. Sarah better watch her back.

Then we're back to the embezzlement and I'm still trying to connect how this factors in with everything else, especially since a file went missing. I'm sure it'll all come together nicely.

I wonder who is tailing Esther, now. Melvin or a hired goon? Ester may have stepped into a lot more trouble than she bargained for.

I noticed a couple of things. Suggestions I make are just that, suggestions based on my opinions. It's word story and you know best.


"...why he had stayed in touch all the Sarge all these years..." should be "...why he had stayed in touch with Sarge all these years..."

The following are Ester's thoughts and shouldn't be in Rebecca's POV. "Ester groaned. She should have just told Roger about this and let him handle it. That's what bosses were for. But it was too late now. She'd made a mistake, and she was the one who would pay if the crook got away."

"Neither saw the man watching from a car parked beneath a gnarly elm nearby." If told in Rebecca's POV the above sentence can't be used because she's not aware of the man watching her. Use it the the next scene where the watcher makes reference to them appearing not to see them.

Looking forward to the next chapters.

Cheers,

Mark
17
17
Review of Chapter 7  
Review by Myles Abroad
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi Fred,

Enjoyed your next installment. I really love the interplay between your characters. Three very distinct voices. The pace is great and this chapter flew by. I spotted a couple of things.

"...then put, the statue..." I don't think you need the comma.

I'm a bit confused with this, "Michael tapped the photo nearest him. "But none have that shiny spot on the backside." He paused and pointed at the figurine. "But the actual statue does."" The original has the shiny spot, right? So the pictures are of the original and the replacement in police custody doesn't have the shiny butt. I think in the above statement you have it switched around or I could be completely mistaken.

"... Like you probably 'em on the way..." I think you're missing 'ate'
"...and toward the door." I think you're missing 'walked'

Enjoying the ride!

Mark
18
18
Review of Chapter 6  
Review by Myles Abroad
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Greetings Fred!

Enjoyed Chapter 6. Seems Oscar really has it in for Rebecca. Creepy that she flees and he removes the evidence, showing he was there all along.

Interesting new information on Michael. His unconventional tactics got him 'suspended' and his actions suit the personality you have portrayed him to have. That's well done!

Again you're dialog is great. You have this half trusting argumentative banter going on between Rebecca and Michael that keeps me transfixed with the tension.

So Oscar has to be someone Rebecca knows. I'm still thinking maybe he's Nancy's ex. We'll see.

I've made a couple of notes and found some typo's. Again, anything I point out might not be right so pick and choose what use!

Just being picky here, but when Michael arrives on scene, he hasn't been told about the knife sticking through the spider and yet he tells Rebecca about it. Maybe to can say, Rebecca filled him in on what she saw or something like that, unless it's deliberate and Michael knows because he did it.

I could be wrong, but I thought in the previous chapter you said she lived in a one room apartment.

A couple of typos:

"Michael would find out and doubted her ability even more." 'doubt' instead of 'doubted'

"They two laughed," Maybe, "Both, laughed,"

"But, she used her monotone voice and blank stare to worried him." Should be 'worry' instead of 'worried'

"I broke every limit on the way here." missing 'speed'

"The hard edge to Michael's voice added to his tough and mean." missing the last word in the sentence (countenance?).

"But what she'd just failed to pull the door closed?" missing 'if'

"Okay, what is it haven't you told me?" delete 'is it'

"She knew, was why this hearing had him worried." missing 'that'?

"She owed her at least one more." should 'She' be 'He'?

"...watch I parsimonious son of a bitch go up in a blaze of glory!" 'the' instead of 'I'.

Until the next chapter!

Cheers!

Mark
19
19
Review of Chapter 5  
Review by Myles Abroad
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hello Fred,

Noticed you posted Chapter 5 and I jumped into a read of it. Interesting. Seems you're thickening the plot. Insurance fraud and is it related in some way to the figurine. I'm intrigued. Rebecca's interaction with Ester and Dexter is really good. The dialog is strong and in Rebecca you show a strong character, personable, competent and perfectly suited to the role of an investigator.

You leave this chapter hanging.Rebecca is stirring things up. Is she going to feel the pinch now or could the intruder be Michael? Looking forward to finding out!

You maintained the POV perfectly and the yarn moves along at a great pace. AS I've already said, your dialog is brilliant.

I picked up on a few typo's (very minor stuff) and a couple on confusing pronoun issues that could be down to my own denseness.

"...she had to an update Ester..." delete 'an'

"... to investigate for one their executives..." 'of' missing before 'their'

"Ester bit her lower." lower lip?

"...think he smart enough..." he's
"She'd known Ester from her first day on the job," It could just be me, but I find this a little confusing, do you mean Ester's first day on the job or Rebecca's?

"But I would have taken a lot of planning to pull it off." Replace 'I' with 'it'?

"...to manipulate in the computer to pocketed fifty grand..." maybe "...to manipulate the computer into pocketing fifty grand..."

"...she found Ester's nervousness annoy and contagious." should be 'annoying'

"I'll pick up data files if you have them ready." 'the' missing

"actually a convert stable" should it be 'converted'?

That's all I have. I'm really enjoying the story and keep it coming.

Cheers!

Mark
20
20
Review of Chapter 4  
Review by Myles Abroad
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hello Fred,

Another interesting chapter. You give good insight into both the main characters by showing they interaction with co-workers and friends. Both exhibit the same drive to get something done, with a casual attitude towards the lesser disciplines of life and work.

I can't help but wonder if Oscar will turn out to be Nancy's husband. That would explain his dislike of Rebecca. Taking him down will kill two birds with one stone.

A small pronoun confusion in, "When she'd first started her free-lance business, Nancy had..." the previous sentence you're narrating about Nancy but I presume the 'she' in this clause refers to Rebecca, If that's the case replace Rebecca with she.

Also in the next paragraph it's a little confusing who's career skyrocketed and whose ex-husband. I presume Nancy's but you might need to reorganize it a bit for clarity.

At this point, something discordant happens in the flow of the dialog. You refer to Nancy's ex and then there seems to be tension between them. I'm wondering if a sentence or two was deleted where maybe Rebecca brings up Nancy's ex in conversation.

Two small typo's.

"Are coming to the baby shower for Karen on Thursday?" missing 'you'.

" A look of horror her face and Nancy waited a full ten seconds..." missing 'crossed' after 'horror'?

This is well written and just a couple of small issues I found. You have me hooked and I love the way you're builing the characters.

Until Next Time,

Mark
21
21
Review of Chapter 3  
Review by Myles Abroad
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Greetings Fred,

Had a read of your excellent third chapter. What I really like about this is the dialog. I've said this before but this is your strong suit, delivering believable dialog that's packed with plot info and characterization. I've walked away from this read feeling I know Michael, Rebecca and Sarah.

Some of the questions from the previous chapters were answered in this chapter: Sarah is Michael's mom and he's a cop.

Oscar Moore has some sort of vendetta against the two main characters. It seems to be personal with Rebecca and more like a mafioso hit on Michael based on his grandfather's past. Unfortunately for Michael it looks like the Pandora's box of his grandfather's past is going to be opened.

I picked up on a few minor niggles:
"It's more of administrative leave." Should it be, ""It's more of an administrative leave." ?

"...but not it's the same one." switch 'not' and 'it's'.

"I had to leave it open Felix..." missing period after open.

"Though Rebecca smiled at her explanation, but..." Maybe drop though.

"...about four inched long..." inches?

"Michael ordered out on her." I'm not sure, but should this be 'out to her' or simply 'ordered her."?

"You should probably consider even take a vacation..." maybe, "You should probably consider taking a vacation..."

"...intending show him clearly," missing 'to' before show.

"...the subject, If this..." 'If' should be 'if'.

The following fit more into Michael's POV than Rebecca's:" Obviously he'd touched a sore point, with her, but he needed her to understand that the chances she'd taken today were both foolish and dangerous. And that shouldn't be repeated." Rebecca might guess at Michael's reason for his concern but she doesn't know.

"...take me to store, tomorrow." missing 'the' in front of 'store'

""And don't need..." Missing 'I'?

I'm really enjoying the read. It's promising to be another of your classics.

Cheers!

Mark
22
22
Review of Chapter 2  
Review by Myles Abroad
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Good Morning Fred,

I hope this mail finds you well. Congratulation on getting your yellow folder promotion.

I read your much anticipated second chapter. I'm really enjoying this. You're developing Rebecca's character really well. A woman with trust issues, brave, a little impulsive, resourceful and decent. Michael is cool, measured, considerate and thick skinned. He compliments Rebecca.

Michael must be a PI, maybe an ex-cop. Sarah is known to the cops. Who is she to Michael, a relation, good friend or client?

The anonymous tipster has to be the same person that tried to kill them, but why?

What makes your stories interesting is the questions you leave dangling. Take that and your excellent character development and it drives me to read on.

You maintained the POV really well until the end. You switched in and out of the protagonists viewpoint seamlessly. In the last scene, though, you switched to Michael's POV but then drifted back to Rebecca at the sentence, "Rebecca got none of the hoped-for answers..." Another point about Michael's POV is that he wouldn't be referring to the cop as the 'pock marked one' since he seems to know them well. He'd refer to them by name or nickname showing his familiarity. At this point in the story, that section is probably best left in Rebeca's POV. That just my opinion. Your story, you know best.

I picked up on a couple of typos. Nothing major. It's really hard for the author to spot these. If you're anything like me, when I reread what I've written I automatically see words that aren't there but should be. One thing I started doing recently, if you have Word, you can have it read your story aloud. It sounds awful but if you follow along you'll hear typos. Something to try. Anyways, the ones I picked up on are below.

"The man glanced at nearest the duct." should be "The man glanced at the nearest duct."

"Rebecca scrambled up, pulling her maroon sweat down as she positioned..." Is 'sweat' meant to be 'sweater'?

The second scene starts with "across the street..." Capitalize 'across'

"...a tingling hot sensation shot right to here." Should that be 'her' instead of 'here'?

"...turned them to watched as parts of the buildings caved in." Should be 'watch'?


So thanks, Fred, for sharing your story and I look forward to the next chapter.

Cheers!

Mark
23
23
Review of Chapter 1  
Review by Myles Abroad
Rated: E | (5.0)
How are you Fred?

I see you've posted the first chapter of 'Rebecca'. I've been looking forward to your next yarn and the first chapter sounds promising.

I'm hurled right away into action. You build the tension well as she sifts through an abandoned building stringing out a back story and crucial details about Rebecca North. It's good the way you intersperse this with the plot, holding the reader's attention.

You introduce a protagonist, but I get the feeling from his actions (or inaction) and his statement of reassurance, that he's not a bad guy. Maybe someone on a similar quest.

The building is being torched and the door being locked, sounds like someone wants to get rid of her, the man or both. Was she set up by the tipster and what's so important about the figurine?

You end the chapter brilliantly, leaving the reader in suspense.

So good first chapter. Good hook, plenty of information, tension and then a good ending. Up to your usual standards, Fred!

I found a few typos:

"...and took something from the behind the seat." delete first 'the'.

"Finally, still long enough to snap the image." I kind of stumbled over this. Can you rephrase maybe "Finally, he stood still long enough to snap the image." or "Finally, he showed his face long enough to snap the image."


"...gave pause to listened for the man. " should be 'listen'.

"...finding the figurine. ahe couldn’t do it." Either "She couldn’t do it." or leave this sentence out. I don't think you need it. I believe the context already implies it she she won't leave.

"Not ever a rat-squeal followed..." should it be 'even'?
"...this room like the others." maybe "this room looked like the others."
24
24
Review by Myles Abroad
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hello Robert,

Saw this in 'Please Review' and thought I'd take a look. Your stories are always a great read and I wasn't disappointed.

I was expecting something dark but I was pleasantly surprised with a lighthearted tale appropriate for valentines day. Being a vampire doesn't sound a bad option once you have the gorgeous Susan around.

You developed Sir Jeremy and Stephen very well giving them distinct voices. My thoughts immediately went to Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson.

The first line grabs and puts you right into the Jeremy's head. Who hasn't been repulsed by garlic breath at one time or other.

You dialog is good and as I said already this lends to the distinct nature between Sir Jeremy and Stephen. The pace was good and this story had me the whole way.

There was only one issue I was initially confused with but that could just be me. In the following:

"Mr. Marsden cowered behind her in their farmhouse kitchen. Jeremy sympathized.

His friend, Stephen, leaned close and whispered,..."

I was confuse who 'his related to, was it Mr. Marsden or Jeremy. Of course it becomes clear but that moment of confusion could be fixed if say:

"Mr. Marsden cowered behind her in their farmhouse kitchen. Jeremy sympathized as his friend, Stephen, leaned close, whispering..." or something like that.

Great story though and good luck in the contest.

Mark
25
25
Review by Myles Abroad
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello clown,

Thanks for the compliment of asking me review your poem.

I'll have to qualify this by saying I don't know much about poetry. In fact, next to nothing, most of my writing experience in prose. I am part of a writing group where most of the the members are poets so I have some points I can make from listening to them critique each other and the odd comment I might make.

Overall, I like the theme in the poem. For me what stands out is the sentiment that we travel down a road in life sharing in a common belief, but yet knowing deep down it's wrong. These things will catch up on us. While no one concerns themselves with the 'right or wrong', eventually we all have to account for our own actions.

The third stanza is very strong. I can feel the beat as we all march to a 'correct' script and yet is it correct? The heart on the sleeve is a good imagery. The other thing about this stanza is that the words are unique to it.

I like the first two stanzas but they can be improved with different word choices. 'Fall' is used in both stanzas and I know the poets I've listened to try not to repeat words. The repeating sound -all in both stanzas resonates as a repetition.

The last stanza sums up the poem and does a good job with that. I'm not sure about the timing in it but it works for me. Someone more knowledgeable than me can give you better advice.

I enjoyed reading your poem. I only wish I could give you better advice.

Best Regards,

Mark
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