*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/n2journey1
Review Requests: OFF
550 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... -1- 2 3 4 5 6 7 ... Next
1
1
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is the only way I can participate right now... so please enjoy some gps for the auction.
2
2
Review of Evolution of love  
for entry "two babies
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
I loved this. I saw it highlighted in the Blogging Bliss Newsletter. It is aa beautiful analogy of our life on earth and the mystery of what is to come - with our Father being all around us. What a beautiful way to express it. I hope you don't mind but I would love to share this with my church. I think they would love it too.

I know it's your blog - and so it's what's comfortable for you, but the only reason I didn't give it a 5 is that it would be more easily read if it was spaced between paragraphs due to there being so much dialogue.

Keep writing!

Nita
3
3
Review of I Remember  
In affiliation with Reviewing Reviewers ~ ON HIATUS  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Smiley1456 },
I found this story on the review request page. I hope you enjoy WDC as much as I do.

Short Story Critique

*Flower1* Beginning:
Having a son who served in Iraq twice, I'm always interested in soldier experiences. The first thing I noticed was that the story begins in present tense. It is an interesting story that reads as though it might be true.

*Flower2* Characters:
I like the characters and feel their loyalty towards each other. It's easy to sense that they may be lifelong friends.

*Flower3* Structure:
The story has a very clear beginning, middle and end. It is easy to stay with the flow of the story. The only part that seemed unreal was when the nurse divulged that Victor had died. I think that would not happen in reality.

*Flower4* Dialogue:
Dialogue is realistic. It sounded very much like the way I think voices in war sound. Conversation in the hospital also appear realistic (except the above mentioned conversation with the nurse).

*Flower5* Settings/Descriptions:
I was unable to determine which war from the story so didn't get a sense of time. That seems irrelevant since it could be any war the way it's written.

*Flower6* Manuscript Presentation:
I found no problems with punctuation, spelling, or grammar. I did feel that skipping a line between every line detracted from the story. It caused it not to flow as well as it could.

*Exclaim* OTHER COMMENTS:
I realize this is the beginning of a larger work, but I was wondering if Charlie would ever have recognition of Victor's last words ("Remember the skies"). I did feel that the first of the story was more realistic than the conversation with Charlie and his family. It feels a little forced - but then, I suppose it might because of what Charlie has experienced. I can tell you that I enjoyed reading this piece and hope that you continue on with writing it.

Thank you for posting your story for the readers of WDC. Keep writing!


*Heart* Reviewing with Attitude! *Heart*
Joy in the Journey!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **



4
4
In affiliation with Reviewing Reviewers ~ ON HIATUS  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello PlannerDan ,
I appreciate you allowing me to read your story as well as review and rate it. I hope you enjoy WDC as much as I do.

Short Story Critique

*Flower1* Beginning:
From the first sentence, I was entranced by your story. This reader identified with the early years that you describe in the first few paragraphs.

*Flower2* Characters:
I could see the young couple that you were making a decision about buying a Christmas tree when you didn't have money. The timeframe that you are talking about - young people with a new commitment to each other - and bills that you had never had before, is familiar to so many people. Some who continue their commitment through the years, and some who don't.

*Flower3* Structure:
I liked the way you broke the periods of time so that it was evident that time had passed for the young couple.

*Flower4* Dialogue:
There was not a lot of dialogue because it was not needed. The dialogue that is included is relevant to the story and draws upon the personalities of the characters in the story.

*Flower5* Settings/Descriptions:
The year is not so evident - but the fact that 30 years pass lets us know the timeframe.

*Flower6* Manuscript Presentation:
I liked the way you formatted this story. I did not find misspellings or grammatical errors. Nice job!

*Exclaim* OTHER COMMENTS:
I loved this story. I identified with it since my hubby and I bought a $30 tree also in 1972, the 2nd year we were married. The first year we had a real tree that died all over the floor and we found needles for 6 months. After that it was an easy decision to get a newfangled tree and pay a whole $30 for it. That was an expensive tree then. We just threw ours away a few years ago. It was beginning to shed all over everything. *Smile* Our new one is not nearly as full or nice, nor does it have the sentimental meaning to us.

This was a great story. In this day of disposable marriages as well as trees, you have stood the test of time. Good work on a lot of levels.

Thank you for posting your story for the readers of WDC. Keep writing!


*Heart* Reviewing with Attitude! *Heart*
Joy in the Journey!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **



5
5
Review of day by day  
Rated: E | (3.5)
WOW! A revenge poem! *Smile*

I would do a little work on this poem. Since it rhymes I would break at the rhyming words, (stay in line 1, say in line 2, hate in line 3).
Line 4 could break at the word, "not," line 5 after the word, "scar."
Line 6 is troublesome with no rhyme. I would find a way to make it rhyme mid way through finding a word that rhymes with "past."

Thanks for allowing me to read, review, and rate your piece.
Nita
6
6
Review of Office Bitch  
In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
This made me laugh - for each of us has, at some point, dealt with the Office Bitch. I had a real round a couple of years ago with some in my office who decided to harrass me. I work in an elementary school and the guidance counselor said that she couldn't believe it but they did everything that she taught against in anti-bullying classes!

I hope you were able to overcome - and outlast your OB. :))

Your rhyme was good - length of lines were good and uniform. You stuck to the subject and spoke plainly. I really liked this.
Nita
7
7
Review of Slick...  
In affiliation with Blogging Circle of Friends  
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Hmmm, Your last verse tells a different story of love... love that cripples rather than making you feel free and good about your life. I have never thought of love quite that way - but, yeah... I have seen what you mean.

At first I thought you were going to be flowery about love... showing how much you were loved and did love. I have to say, this is much more painful - but also much more interesting.
Nita
8
8
Review of Salt...  
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
WOW! That is really powerful! Hurt so deep that a professional would have to come in and scoop out the pain... and yet, the rest of your poem says it right... we can't scoop it away. We have to live it - and in time, we learn. I think many of us have been there at some point - feeling pain that you wish you could surgically remove. You have stated this well.

I hope your life is better now.
9
9
Review of See me...  
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
I like this poem. A few years ago you asked me to review your work. I reviewed one at that time, I think. I never saw this one. So now, I have to ask... Why? (Because you said I could.)

It seems that you are very driven in your program. I have to admire your dedication and your ability to stay with it long enough to develop such muscles and tone.

I used to marathon walk - and sometimes had astronomical blisters. People could not understand why I did that either. To me, it was an escape from my world. My husband and I were not getting along - and I could walk and think - and feel good about what I was doing.

I think I'll go back and read some more of your work.
Nita
10
10
In affiliation with Reviewing Reviewers ~ ON HIATUS  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Smile* Hi, my name is Nita (Journey Back to Writing! ). I am glad I found your essay. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it. I've read and commented below and I hope you find something useful. *Smile*

General Impressions
I loved this. I have been married 42 years as of this coming February 6th. It has not always been an easy road - for it's never easy to put someone else before "self."

Favorite Parts
"There are no short cuts. Intimacy happens only in the bedroom? Really? If it doesn’t happen every room of the house, it won’t happen there either. It cost you something. Pay attention."

GRAMMAR:
Nothing stood out as being out of place

SPELLING:
No misspelled words.

Here are some comments that I have made regarding your work:

Your text:
God says he wants to know us intimately as a bride. I remember how I pursued my bride. I have found out that real intimacy comes after thirty-eight years of marriage and learning how to live with each other.
My Comment:
So many people forget that, in order to make things work, they have to look at the long range plan - and some have to make a long range plan.

Your text:
"God’s word to us says we should pray for them. If we pray for our enemies, certainly a discontented spouse might be a good bet too."
My Comment:
Sometimes it would be easier to cut them loose and start all over than to work at something - but the reward is in the work.

Thanks for sharing this item! I try to review only things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. (Life is too short to read bad literature.) Please discard any comment that you did not find useful with my blessings. *Heart*
The more we write, the more we grow as writers. Please keep on writing - and follow your Muse!

Journey Back to Writing!

11
11
Review of Alex Lella's Blog  
for entry "My Pride
In affiliation with Blogging Circle of Friends  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
What a wonderful post - and it sounds like you have lived a full life.
12
12
Review of The Wall  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I love this.
My favorite part is,
"Holes and gaps forming has already begun,
Through those spaces has her sweet encouragement run.
Urging me to try, to push, to fight,
Call on my heart's strength and give it all my might!"

All of us have areas of our lives where we sometimes need someone to encourage us - to cheer us on in the dark times.
I hope your love is still cheering you on after all this time.
Nita

13
13
In affiliation with Reviewing Reviewers ~ ON HIATUS  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello landpilot
My name is Nita, Journey Back to Writing! . I found this piece on WDC as a result of reading the kind note that you sent to me regarding my son. Welcome to WDC.
Nita


*Flower5* Reading the Poem:
I have read this piece over a number of times. Even though you are calling it a poem (so I'm using the poetry template), I believe it would qualify more as prose.

*Flower1* Story:
The writer is expressing how he believes that Jesus looks at us - and the feelings and emotions that He has towards us.

*Flower2* Emotional Appeal:
As I read this piece, I have an urge to pray and to be closer to the Lord.
You have written based upon the Holy Scriptures and because of that, the Spirit of God draws us to Him through your words.

*Flower4* Fresh language:
Even though the piece is based upon the scriptures, the wording is very contemporary. I love it when you say, "Hey, I promise you I will make daily arrangements for you to eat and have shelter and clothing, just like I care for my animals." I could see Jesus walking along and talking to someone today in just those words.

*Flower5* Imagery:
I had no problem imagining the Lord Jesus kindly and lovingly expressing Himself to me or to anyone else in these words. When the writer talks about the Last Supper, I can see Jesus telling me (or you), "I have been in a human body just like yours, and I do feel your aches and pains and know weariness. And let me tell you just how loneliness and despair feels, as I have been there 2008 years ago. I had 12 of my best buddies and closest friends desert me in my greatest time of need. And because of that experience I promise you regardless of how bad things look, I will never desert you, or abandon you.The bottom line is I love you and would be willing to die for you again." It is not at all difficult to see both the scriptural time that Jesus walked the earth and spoke these words and see Him today walking and talkng with us.

*Flower6* Sound:
I thought this piece sounded just right. Nothing seemed forced. It appears to be a very natural conversatin with Jesus taking the lead and expressing who He is (as both man and God).

*Flower1* Structure:
As I said before, I think this is structured more like prose than poetry. I liked the double line spacing. It made it an easy read.

*Exclaim* OVERALL IMPRESSIONS:
I loved this. I felt that the writer has a close relationship with Jesus to be able to write this with such feeling. I think it's a powerful piece that is faith building.

Thank you for allowing me to read, rate, and review this piece. It was a pleasure and an honor.


*Heart* Joy in the Journey *Heart*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
14
14
Review of The Beach  
In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Nice poem - the ending took me by surprise. I thought it was a poem about a lost love affair. Even when you introduced the child, I didn't really see it as it was. The death of a child is always a fresh to the mother.

There were a few places that could use work. What does "peached" mean? Were you stretching to make it rhyme or is it a term that I'm not aware.

"I am alone, quiet and draw nothing in my trap
As I see him in thoughts and dreams, I hear a clap"
seems to be contrived to get your rhyming pattern.

Also, in the 4th verse, "I feel his presence (misspelled), but not in sight" - I would reword that perhaps to, "but not his sight"

You have chosen not to use only a little punctuation but I think the poem would read more smoothly with punctuation at the end of lines.

Thank you for allowing me to read your work. This piece has a great deal of emotional depth. Keep writing.
Nita
15
15
Review of My Psalm  
In affiliation with God's Way Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Not that this called for review - for how can you review prayer and praise? You have pourned out your heart to the Lord. It is evident that there is relationship there between you and Him for how else can you speak His language of love for Him?
This is not a real review. It touched me. That is enough.
16
16
In affiliation with Reviewing Reviewers ~ ON HIATUS  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)

I love the ending. Thank goodness she wasn't leaving one hell to walk into another. Prophet was a good soul who helped her escape the abusive mother. He could have been a whole different kind of person.

For your consideration:
"neither knowing the others." Others' should show possession - since it's talking about the others' reasons.

I liked the way you ticked off the time - creating tension with it. I also liked the way the mother's voice is interupted by Nyanla's jumping from the window - but she can hear her as she jumps.

All in all, a very good story. It's well written and believable.
One change I would make is to link the next installment at the end.
Keep writing!
Nita


17
17
In affiliation with Reviewing Reviewers ~ ON HIATUS  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is a very good second installment. I enjoy the dialogue between the two girls. It makes me want to read the third installment. Nyanla is believable and so is Lois. Mrs. Mitchell's preocupation to the bacon burning is just as it would be in a real household. I think you have portrayed the anger that Lois has towards Nyanla's mother very well.

On to read the third installment!
18
18
In affiliation with Reviewing Reviewers ~ ON HIATUS  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I enjoyed this story- although I'm not sure "enjoy" is the proper term to use. It is the story of child abuse, the very thing that is a scourge on our nation. I loved how Nyanla was protective of her brother and sister.

Even though, "Although she had a different father than they, whom she’d never met, she didn’t consider them to be half of anything," sets off "whom she'd never met," it is awkard to read. Perhaps this could worded in a way that flows more smoothly.

Paragraphs are indented but quotes in that paragraph have a line skipped before them that is not necessary. Dialogue doesn't have to be on a separate line - only 2 different people speaking needs to be placed separately.

I plan to read the next installment of this story.
Thanks for writing about such a painful scenario.
Nita
19
19
Review of The Sound  
In affiliation with Reviewing Reviewers ~ ON HIATUS  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
What a great story! I thoroughly enjoyed it.
There were places that seemed too redundant (his talks with himself when he hears the noise) but all in all the story was very good. You used dialogue well and characters were believable.

My favorite paragraphs were when he was assessing the cost of his time at the apartment and when the shippers brought in all the things he had left at home. Every parent at one time thinks of shipping a gazillion GI Joes, cars, and small toys that you can step on in the night to their child's new home. Most of us just don't do it.

Great work!

20
20
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
These are the funniest c-notes I have seen on WDC!!
Keep creating!!
Nita
21
21
Review of Traitor's honour  
In affiliation with  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Ok, here is a critique... edit of this piece. The first time, I was too interested in the storyline. This time I read it for punctuation. There were some places, just as you said, that need attention.

I really enjoyed reading this.
Keep writing!!

Here is the edit:

PART 1
Paragraph 1: remove comma after Caligula. Sentence 2 is an incomplete sentence.

Paragraph 7: …The German guard craning his neck for a view, (place comma here)

Paragraph 8: … He was drowned out by thousands of voices, rising in unison, (Remove the comma after voices.)

Paragraph 18: Then rose slowly, eyes fixed on Caligula’s smooth face. (Then HE rose slowly…)

Paragraph 20: And I though you always visited because you enjoy having your Emperor upon your lips.” (though – you meant thought?)

PART 2:

Paragraph 1: Sweat beaded on his forehead, despite the damp February air (Remove comma after forehead).

PART 3:

Paragraph 3: Now! (should be an exclamation point).

Paragraph 6: Remember to capitalize “little boot” in this section.

Paragraph 21: The wounded man drop to his knees… (should be “dropped”)

Paragraph 25: end the sentence with a period or exclamation mark!

Paragraph 30: comma after fallen

Paragraph 31: quotes after period.

You've done it again! You wrote an interesting piece that is unusual and unique!! I enjoyed it immensely!!
Nita
22
22
Review of Traitor's honour  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
This is really good!! It is fairly easy to read - appears to be historically correct - and the grammar and punctuation is good!
I did notice a couple of run-on sentences but they appear to be the way people speak so it wasn't worth correcting.
I really enjoyed reading this!!
23
23
Review of Hobson in the pit  
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Short Story Critique


*Flower1* Beginning:
Strong beginning! Right away the reader is thrown into the pit with the protagonist.

*Flower2* Characters:
Strong "Indiana Jones" type of character who has a sense of humor about the predicament in which he finds himself.

*Flower3* Structure:
The beginning of the story catches the interest of the reader. The middle has the protagonist trying not to end up like the skeleton that shares the area with him. The ending is good but doesn't go into enough detail about what is beyond the bricks. I realize that you were in a throw-down so you were limited probably in length.

*Flower4* Dialogue:
Dialogue is appropriate for the setting and the story.

*Flower5* Settings/Descriptions:
"He grabbed the satchel and tore it from the rat gnawed strap," is a great description! I never was certain if he ws in a well or a pit.

*Flower6* Manuscript Presentation:
There were a couple of places that need correction. In the 1st sentence, "...landed on his backon the floor..." Separate "back" and "on." I don't think you need the word, "above" in the following sentence: "henchmen above pushed the heavy stone across the opening." "“Lovely, “he whispered..." Put the quote after lovely,. The formatting looks good.

*Exclaim* OTHER COMMENTS:
As usual, I enjoyed your story. You show a great deal of talent with each piece that I read. Keep writing such good fiction!

I hope you found something worthwhile in this review. Please remember that your work is your own; only edit what you can change and still feel ownership.

*Heart* Joy in the Journey! *Heart*
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
24
24
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello,
I'm Journey Back to Writing! . I was looking for a Rising Star member to review and found you. I read your Christmas program and loved it but it wasn't in WDC for a review - so I found this piece.

Short Story Critique

*Flower1* Beginning:
I was intrigued by the title of this piece. Striking through he word "autobiography" because it couldn't be spelled right was adorable and hooked me. The first paragraph sounded just like my great niece was writing it. Adorable!

*Flower2* Characters:
Anne Marie is a little girl who is writing this assignment for her teacher. She is loveable in her simplicity!

*Flower3* Structure:
This story is structured like a child wrote it - which is the intent of the author. I think the author got into a child's mind on this one!

*Flower4* Dialogue:
There isn't dialogue per se but it sounds very much like a little girl telling the story.

*Flower6* Manuscript Presentation:
Strike throughs on words that a child would have trouble spelling is ingenuous. It makes the work much more believable. Words that are not struck through are almost all spelled correctly. *Smile* "Bodys" is more than likely spelled exactly as you meant to (rather than bodies). Short choppy sentences are very childlike. The writing is simple and unadorned by words that an adult would use. When larger words are used, they are struck through, sometimes after a few attempts to spell them.

*Exclaim* OTHER COMMENTS:
I loved this. It is just the right length since children do not draw out their writing. I love the way the writer jumps from the hosptial to adults telling her how much she has grown and riding a bicycle. In the end, she really doesn't tell much about herself, which is precisely the way a child writes. I work in an elementary school. The kids often write me notes and many of them look like this. You have done a great job!

Thank you for allowing me the pleasure of reading this piece!
Keep Writing!

*Heart* Joy in the Journey! *Heart*
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
25
25
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Mrs. Populatery ,
I am reading your story again and rating and reviewing because you asked me to after I had stated that it was too difficult to read. Here are my new findings:

Short Story Critique

*Flower1* Beginning:
I really like the way your story begins. It sounds very realistic for a middle school student. Most kids think the last day of school is long and boring - and that it is excruciating to sit there all day. You tell that well!

*Flower2* Characters:
Your characters are strong, especially Seronny, your protagonist. I like Kyle and your dialogue with him is really good. I like your description of the "Black Widow" when you are talking to him and described her for the readers.

*Flower3* Structure:
Your story structure is good. I like your beginning and ending of your chapters. I love the end of Chapter 1 where you profess to never have to wear a padded bra again because you are a young lady leaving middle school... humorous!

*Flower4* Dialogue:
I love your use of dialogue! Now that you have used proper punctuation, it's easy to follow your story. You have lots of good dialogue that enhances the telling of your story.

*Flower5* Settings/Descriptions:
I don't have a strong sense of setting. You describe the teacher but not the room, other than you are looking out the window. You say that it is the year 3,000 but it sounds very 2,000ish.


*Flower6* Manuscript Presentation:
There are words that are misspelled that spell check will not catch, such as, sense instead of sense, “Bright in early!” instead of "Bright and early!" You use "their" instead of "they're," "abroad" instead of "aboard." You need to read your manuscript over for yourself and make those changes.

*Exclaim* OTHER COMMENTS:
There are areas where your verbs don't agree. The opening sentence of the 2nd chapter is such a place. Black Widow strolls... Kyle walked (present and past tense).

I really like your story. You did a great job with your dialogue. You have created an interesting story that makes the reader want to read more. I'm really glad that you didn't get angry when I said that I would read it after you cleaned it up. It's a good story and worth the read. I see a lot of potential in your writing!!

Great Job!
Keep Writing!

*Heart* Joy in the Journey! *Heart*
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
171 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 7 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/n2journey1