This was said very well. The writing exposes your feelings and there is no question what you mean. You bare your soul in this, "I stay with you for all the wrong reasons...and the fear...."
The imagery is very good...I can see a woman sitting there wondering and afraid.
A few of the lines are forced to make it rhyme but a little tweaking could do that a little more freely.
I like it.
Thanks for allowing me to read it.
nita
This was cute.
One suggestion, you put your dad's comment in a place that makes it seem that the day is over and then you resume talking about the day, which made it confusing.
Also, you might make it a little more realistic, i.e., how your mom leaves the room and how you are removed from her leg.
I really liked this piece and a little more realism will make this a 5 piece. (And I do understand that you are exaggerating as a small child does. It just doesn't work in those places quite as well.)
This is really good! There are some times that dialogue would fit better than a 3rd person telling it. Dialogue would give it more action, as would making sure that you are not in a passive voice in the telling of it. Active voice almost always denotes more action.
This is a great piece of work though!!
Thanks for letting me read it!!
Nita
What an unusual piece! I really enjoyed reading it. Your imagination is tremedous and your ability to express it is phenomenal. Where are your other pieces?? I'm sure this is not the first you have written because it is awesome!
The only think I would add is a period a the very end.
A great read!!
Nita
First Impression: My first impression of the first 2 lines was that it was going to be a piece that would have more contrast.
Imagery: Imagery is weak here. It does not really evoke images.
Flow: It doesn't flow well but could be made to do so.
Rhyme Scheme: Free verse - rhyme not applicable.
Word Usage: Word usage is fine. It is a very simple piece telling of the loyalty of your friendship. It does that well.
Overall Impression: My overall impression is that this could be edited into a poem that flows more freely and accomplishes the goal that you set out (I think) to set - to have your readers "feel" that your friendship is eternal. With a little tweaking, you can put feeling into it. After all, poetry is written to make people feel. Right now you are telling them--make them feel it.
Try a period after audience in the first paragraph. Then make the next part a sentence also.
Read your work through a stranger's eyes. Read it out loud and silently. Start thinking of new ways to word sentences - rearrange words, Don't be wordy just to stretch the piece but also use more words if more are called for.
I suggest you sign up for the Short Story Newsletter. It gives good tips for writing short stories.
The ending "Ding ding!" is great...leave It begun off...Ding Ding shows that it began.
Nita
You need to find a focus...you do get across that the character's life is dull but you need to say it and move on. Don't dwell on it. The first & second paragraph are supposed to be contradictory, but shouldn't be repetitive.
Take it one paragraph at a time and read it as a stranger would read it.
I really like the line: "I could tell you a million of those moments of the top of my head. That's what my life is, a series of ‘you had to be there' moments." Perhaps you can use that as your opening sentence...it has the right amount of UUMPH to make the reader want to move on in the story.
I really like this. This is a very thorough piece exploring a tortured soul bereft, by his own making, of love and passion, a punishment of some sort (as intimated by the line, "I must have this reality."
Line length is good for readability. It makes me think of relationships gone bad and the sadness and sorrow of them.
I really like the first 3 lines of the 3rd stanza. We all, at times, lie to ourselves to make ourselves happy.
Great imagery!! Such a vivid explanation of pain! I really like this poem. It peaks my interest and leaves me wanting answers. Did she break off a romance? Did she die? The last lines seem to imply death.
The only changes I would make are in pulling out the extra return between the 2nd and third stanza.
Paragraph 4 - 2 l's in lot
Paragraph 5 - "She decided we meaning her, I and Grandmother" should have a comma after we to give the sentence definition. Her should be she.
"We went to a few favorite spots, we won some and lost some that was always the way it went at the beginning of our trips." This is a run-on sentence. You could use a semi-colon after spots and that would work.
How did she do it? I screamed in my head. Needs quotation marks before how and after it?
Rose we have to get Grandmother out of here and Out of Vegas now! She has Vegas Fever and I am loosing this round and the war. This should be in quotes.
This piece is wonderful. I truly enjoyed it. I would love to have met that spunky woman!
Nita
A good history lesson. It needs work as a poem...too staunch...lacks feeling.
I live about 10 minutes away from Chancellorsville. It is quite a place to be...I live closer to the Wilderness - where troops burned alive when the woods caught on fire.
It was interesting to read this about my "back yard."
Thanks!
I think your time frame is not realistic. 40 is defintely not old in the business world. Men (and some women)in business are just coming in to their own in the ir 50's and early 60's.
Most women in their 50's do not have wrinkled hands.
It is a good story, but I think it could use some work on time frame.
This is a captivating story. It doesn't always read smoothely but it is interesting. The last sentence of paragraph 4 seems to have a word missing.
This is "sort of" believable. 3 or 4 days is a long time for a child to be on a bus with no one noticing and him not having money for food and water. Just a thought...might need to shorten the hospital time to make it a little more believable...or explain Benjamin's ability to survive.
Line length is a problem. My feeling is that it would read more smoothly if the lines were almost cut in half. It would be far easier to read and to follow the meaning. If you keep the line length, then you need to do something about the line that reads, "but it seems to no avail."
What a thought provoking piece. I truly enjoyed this but was left feeling saddened by this poem. That is what poetry is supposed to do...make us feel.
I liked the repetitive lines that give emphasis to the loneliness of it. It doesn't invoke the child...it evokes questions of where this child is today. Is he happy? Sad? Alive or dead?
Nice line length. Good word usage.
A good read.
Thanks.
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